Do you enjoy being the person who avoids conflict at work? How important are your relationships with colleagues? Even if you try to avoid open confrontation, you still influence the situation and climate in the team on an equal basis with your more militant colleagues. If you think that by not rocking the boat or raising controversial issues you are helping the work, you are mistaken. Any team, especially a startup, needs conflict and disputes. Such encounters allow us to understand difficult situations, hear different points of view and find solutions to problems. There is, of course, nothing pleasant in sorting out relationships, but it’s not for nothing that they say that “the truth is born in a dispute.” If conflict is not your thing, then we will help you get out of this situation with dignity.
Many people hate hassling with coworkers. They are sure that disagreeing with the general opinion can offend someone and destroy working relationships in the team. They are afraid that someone may not like their idea, and someone less confrontational will take their place.
Sitting silently on the sidelines, you, of course, remain everyone’s favorite quiet person who agrees with everything and does not interfere with anyone’s life. But you do this at the expense of your own growth, because your idea could greatly help the company, even if it goes against the general line. You do this by making the wrong decision, which can have a very negative impact on the company, and you know it. You are not doing anything good for yourself or the company you work for. Isn't it a big price to pay just to be nice to everyone?
Being nice doesn't mean staying silent and doing nothing. You can be non-confrontational and still express your opinion, discuss uncomfortable issues and help your company move forward. The whole secret is how you present your opinion and under what sauce.
To change your thinking a little, just think not about how often you agree with everything, but about how often you bring something of your own to work moments. If you just agree with everything, then you are just hands that do all the necessary work, but do not receive any development. Start offering your ideas, then you will become a brain that not only does mechanical work, but also grows and develops. And to understand how to present your opinion so that a storm does not break out, just follow the following tips.
Use "I" or "A" instead of "BUT"
Try to use more “I’s” or “A’s” in your reasoning, because for you to be right, it is not necessary for someone to be wrong. If you hear something from a colleague that you do not agree with, then do not prove to him that he is a fool, but simply express your opinion as a counterweight. “You think that a night at a club is the best idea for a corporate event, but I think that an outing with the whole department will be more useful and interesting. How do you think?" Yes, your colleagues will have to think, but this way you will not turn a reasoned argument into a quarrel.
Non-conflict person
It is generally accepted that conflicts are something abnormal, bad, and unpleasant. But it is impossible to avoid situations of conflict in everyday life and in relationships with other people.
Each of us needs to organize a space within and around us that is comfortable for us.
This inevitably requires the ability to defend one’s interests, negotiate with others about more comfortable conditions for oneself, refuse, and most importantly, it requires the ability to understand one’s feelings and needs, as well as the feelings and needs of others.
Therefore, it is important to be able to recognize conflicts and be sensitive to your emotional discomfort, as well as to have the tools to resolve these conflicts.
Imagine someone stepped on your foot on a bus. You feel uncomfortable. It's painful and unpleasant. This is a conflict. It happened.
Then each of us, to varying degrees of awareness, answers the question: “How can I deal with this discomfort, how should I deal with this conflict?” This is a reaction to conflict.
You may allow the person to continue to ride on your leg , fearing his reaction, afraid that he will be upset, offended or angry at the message about your discomfort and request to get off your leg.
In this case, you are choosing to bottle up your feelings and sacrifice your interests for someone else's. And if this becomes your main strategy, you risk constantly walking with crushed legs. This is a reaction of excessive restraint and courtesy.
Or, on the contrary, you can attack and shout at a person who , perhaps, completely accidentally stepped on your foot. Then your legs will be fine, but people around you may begin to be afraid of your openness.
The examples given above reflect rather extremes in the choice of reaction, such as an over-open expression of aggression or an over-restrained expression.
You can choose the middle and tell the person that he stepped on your foot, it is unpleasant for you and you would like him to get off it. In this way, you try to maintain a balance of directness and restraint, and a balance between taking into account your interests, feelings and needs - and the feelings and needs of the other.
Similar to this example, in the process of interacting with other people, we constantly “step on each other’s toes” and intentionally or accidentally cause each other emotional discomfort. And this cannot be avoided, it is part of life and part of relationships with other people.
Most often, we associate conflict resolution with the need to quarrel, the desire to find out what is right, to find the culprit. This is partly why we try to avoid and ignore them.
What if you look at conflicts as attempts to reach an agreement or as an opportunity to make your relationships better and your working conditions more comfortable?
After all, what a conflict is is a contradiction between the expected and the actual. “I want it this way, but he wants it differently,” “I want it right now, but right now it’s impossible.”
Where to begin? I think you need to start with being able or learning to recognize your emotional discomfort in a given situation.
Sensitivity to physiological discomfort is very important to us. After all, if we do not have pain sensitivity, we will not be able to notice how our legs are being crushed over and over again. Only when we get home, we will wonder where we got the bruises from. We need to be sensitive to some of our body's signals of discomfort. For example, the feeling of “sucking in the pit of the stomach” signals us that we need to go eat. Pain in some part of the body may signal a malfunction of organs and systems.
Sensitivity to emotional discomfort (ED) is also important. ED can tell us that our emotional needs are not being met, that something around us is not as we would like.
Simply put, it is important for us to be able to notice when someone has “stepped on our foot” or “pushed us with their elbow.” Because if you don't feel it, you can't change it.
So, if you understand that the words of another person cause you resentment, irritation, anger, if your boss's endless requests to stay longer than usual or take on the obligations of another employee drain and exhaust you - this is a conflict for you, and you will have to choose what do with it.
In the method of positive psychotherapy there is the concept of “key conflict”. This, in fact, is the decision that you make in a situation of conflict: a choice between two ways to cope with the emotional tension within you - to contain it or to speak openly about your feelings.
If you use openness and openly state your feelings (I feel bad) and desires (please get off my feet), then you have the opportunity to resolve such conflict. For example:
- “I understand your request, but I will not go to work on Saturday because it is my day off and I am going to spend it with my family”;
- “I’m offended when...”;
- “I’ll be angry if...”;
- “I want to ask you not to do this to me.”
Of course, this does not mean that restraint is an unnecessary ability. There are situations when we need to control our feelings.
However, if in response to microtraumatic events you restrain your aggression too often, the “container” will overflow, and then it usually looks like a breakdown, an explosion. Excessively suppressing your emotions and desires can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction with your life, work or relationships.
Sooner or later, the free space in the container where you put your dissatisfaction, irritation, resentment, anger will end, and, most likely, you will dump everything that has accumulated on the person at once. And instead of a constructive dialogue and the opportunity to come to an agreement, you end up with a scandal, in which it is most often difficult to hear each other.
In addition, some of your frustration and tension may go to the wrong person. Simply because at some specific moment his words became the last straw of your patience.
By openly telling a person what you don't like, you give him the opportunity to hear you and change his behavior.
After all, sometimes people step on their feet accidentally and may not notice that their actions are causing discomfort to someone.
Imagine possible situations
When you disagree with your opponent, you should not start a verbal fight. Just ask to imagine a hypothetical situation in which your scenario or your opponent is chosen, and think together about what it will entail. “You say we should offer people this opportunity. Now let’s imagine what our campaign will ultimately look like.” At such moments, protective reflexes turn off and logic turns on. Not for everyone, of course, but for reasonable people for sure. What's the result? You offered your solution to the problem and avoided a fight.
January 18, 2018
Alexandra Grebenshchikova (Sasha Kudos) University teacher, associate professor, candidate of pedagogical sciences, Unified State Exam expert in English. Poet, traveler, blogger.
- facebook.com/aleksandra.grebenshchikova
Tell me honestly, were you taught as a child that arguing with other people is bad? Have they told you: stubborn means ugly? They taught to give in to others: “If they took the doll, don’t worry, if they play with it, they’ll give it back, we have to share.” What about the eternally lonely egoist?
I was told, so I learned from childhood that swearing is bad. It's better to never do this. You have to be educated and wise, even to your own detriment.
However, everyone fights sometime. Conflict of interest is one of the most common forms of interaction between people. Nevertheless, for a long time I managed to remain a well-mannered and wise person. Although, it happened that we had to swear, sometimes even make a row. Then I was tormented by remorse: ugh, how ugly it turned out. I didn’t decide to solve anything, and I even had a fight. Or, on the contrary, I resolved the issue, but I had to swear so much that now nothing makes me happy.
One day I grew out of the childish dress of stereotypes and began to set my own rules in my game. I'll tell you a story that taught me how to turn scandals into constructive negotiations.
A story about a conflict with paint
I'm taking theater classes for adults. Imagine: amazing experiences twice a week! But one day they painted the floor in our practice room. It was impossible to stay in it - the smell of paint was so bad that you couldn’t breathe. Our manager said that it was possible to replace the premises, but only for the second part and in an hour. We felt sorry for wasting the time we had paid for, so we decided to study in a room with a painted floor, opening the windows. Just an hour...
However... My throat was sore and my nose itched. Instead of studying, I sat and “warmed up”, trying to drive away thoughts: “Sasha, don’t escalate the situation. My throat hardly feels sore anymore, and it doesn’t smell as much like paint. What are you, sissy? Look: everyone is busy with work, no one stinks. Concentrate on the task! There are only forty minutes left to wait..."
Are you familiar with this kind of internal dialogue? Like, what are you doing? Move over, it’s not difficult! Tea, no sugar, won't you melt? Or here’s another: “Sasha, come on! What, are you going to start a scandal? What are you, a brawler? What will people think? You are a decent woman, and also a wise one.”
Surely you have hung a similar label on yourself more than once, hiding behind wisdom or intelligence. Personally, this was my favorite script. It was, but it was broken.
Sitting then in the hall that smelled of paint, I suddenly thought: “What nonsense!” And I went to find out.
I will omit the conversation with the manager of this institution, since the essence is not in words. From the entire rather banal dialogue, I want to quote only one phrase from my interlocutor:
-What's wrong with this? I spent the whole day in this room, opening the windows and ventilating them. And in general, I am a non-conflict person!
What about me? I'm nothing…
I am a non-conflict person!
This is what we have been taught for so long, and what we often teach our children! Be non-conflict, correct, invisible. Convenient for everyone, but not for yourself. Sit quietly, don't jump out. Breathe the smell of paint, but remain good and correct. It’s a shame to think about yourself; you need to take care of the peace and comfort of those around you.
In my story with the freshly painted room, only I suffered from my “goodness”. And somewhere in her office, such a non-conflict female manager was sitting calmly. Unable to even defend her own interests, she, apparently, was equally disdainful of all her work. For her salary, she preferred to be comfortable and non-conflict. I ventilated the hall and took the administrators out to work in the paint-smelling hall. They greeted visitors, coughing. They also “moved forward” for their salary. The manager has “moved”! What can we say about us, the visitors! Just an hour to breathe paint - nonsense!
What a wonderful story that could have been! Everything is peaceful, friendly, safe. The cash register is full, the people are wise and understanding. Slightly out of their minds, however, from the toxic fumes of the paint, but they sit in a room unsuitable for study and keep quiet. But I turned out to be a conflicting figure.
You ask: “Sasha, what are you talking about now? About the fact that brawlers are better than non-brawlers? Scandal, friends, and will you be happy?
No. I'm talking about the fact that you need to learn to hear yourself and protect your interests. About the fact that if you hear yourself, value yourself, then you will live happier and more comfortable. That learning to protect your interests means taking the first step. It may seem like an action to spite others, but in essence it is a step towards oneself.
One more small detail: format. It's how you do it that matters. All of the above is true only if the protection of personal interests takes place in the format of constructive negotiations, and not a hysterical scandal. Let me brag: over time I learned this. It doesn't always work out, though. In the case of paint, it was a success! I'll tell you how it works.
One, two, three - and queens!
Step one. Stop, hear yourself!
When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation (like with paint) or forced to fulfill someone’s request, but it bothers me, I ask myself: “Sasha, will this be uncomfortable for you? If there is an opportunity not to do this, what will you do?”
I compare such situations to wearing shoes half a size smaller. You can wear it, but not for long, and then you will have to treat calluses.
This also includes “catching” yourself in internal dialogue from the series: “it’s a shame/inconvenient to swear!”, “You’re decent!” etc. If I come to the conclusion that this situation does not suit me, I simply move on.
Step two. Pause, think about your options.
I don’t like scandals, I prefer constructive negotiations. To make them possible, a short pause is needed. It allows you to stop being indignant, since indignation is an empty emotion, wasted energy. In addition, a pause gives time to think: how can I solve the issue.
There are many possible solutions:
- Consciously agree to all the conditions, because in the end my benefit will be greater or I do not have the strength to litigate. Let it be as it is.
- Agree to the terms, but ask for compensation.
- Refuse the conditions, since your interests are more important. As a result, the agreement must be terminated.
If I decide to refuse my terms or agreements, I immediately think about: what will suit me as compensation for my inconvenience? If I refuse, under what conditions?
By being honest with yourself and making friends with your inner fear of conflict situations, you will spend only a couple of minutes thinking about your actions. Very important minutes. A short but useful pause will give you the opportunity not to break into a scandal and decide: what do you really want? When the choice is made, move on.
Step three. Resolve the issue immediately!
If I choose to sacrifice my interests and leave everything as it is, then I do not enter the negotiation stage. At first glance, it seems that nothing has changed: what difference does it make whether you sit in a smelly classroom consciously or unconsciously? But there is still a difference. Let me admit that I don’t want or can’t enter into any negotiations, but at least I can hear myself. And I no longer waste my energy on indignation, because it was my choice. Why be indignant now? Agree, this is already something.
I note that once you learn to hear yourself and defend your interests, you will use this method of getting out of a conflict situation less and less.
If I choose the second or third option, it means that I need to interact with the second party. Don’t throw a tantrum, but engage in constructive negotiations. And this is where the fun begins.
To prevent negotiations from turning into a scandal, I use the following settings:
- I'm going to talk to .... to resolve the issue in my favor. Not from the position: “I’ll send him to heaven for a star”!
- I clearly know what I want in this situation. I thought through the terms of compensation/refusal in detail. And not like this: “I’ll get into a fight and we’ll sort it out.”
- I do not want to argue. I communicate to improve conditions/return money.
- I respect my interlocutor and therefore conduct the dialogue in a neutral manner, without insults.
- And once again: this is not a scandal. I want to resolve my issue.
Having discussed all the conditions with the interlocutor, I agree to them and move on to the details. There is no place for further indignation.
Very important! When a general agreement is reached, I clarify the small details: when, where and how the conditions will be met. And not celebrating a victory: “Hurray! I won! I'll tell my friends! By the way, where are my medals?!”
Then I say goodbye and sincerely thank the interlocutor for his professionalism/ability to understand my position. I got what I expected, not only thanks to my arguments and the art of negotiation, but also thanks to the desire of the other party to resolve the issue.
That's all, my dears! It's not so difficult: to defend your interests without getting into a fight. Especially when you try it.
By the way, in my story with paint, the result of communication was money transferred to my card that same evening as compensation for the inconvenience caused. I won’t lie, it made me happy. Although the main thing is not this, but the remaining aftertaste.
Quote on Twitter
Still, it’s nice to be able to hear yourself. And be able to defend your rights without scandal.
It’s so calm inside when you are there, your conscious decision is there, your choice is there, your benefit is there, and you agree to the price you pay.
One more thing. Any interaction between two people is an unpredictable process. Moreover, not all of us know how to act diplomatically. So it will not be possible to completely eliminate banal scandals. Even if we seem to be quite “pumped”, they can happen. Well, this is also an experience.
Secret life hack
You probably noticed that I repeated the point three times that I am not making a scandal, but resolving the issue in my favor. It is very important. Often in negotiations of this kind there is a strong desire to move on to more weighty arguments. If you don’t want a scandal, don’t lose your constructive attitude. A little lifehack will help you with this: come up with some trick that, if necessary, will help you return to the desired state. For example, take a pen and do not let go of it during the entire conversation. Or keep one hand in your pocket.
For example, when I know in advance about upcoming negotiations of this kind, I take sea pebbles with me. I hold it in my hand while talking as a reminder of what purpose I am pursuing.
That's it.
Py.Sy. Friends, share in the comments how you manage to resolve difficult situations in your favor without falling into a scandal. If you are interested in learning how theater courses have improved my life, put “+” in the comments - I’ll write it!
Self-development #Mindfulness #Relationships #Psychology
Ask about consequences
Direct, open-ended questions will be extremely useful when discussing work issues. If a decision is made that will change the company's strategy, then ask your colleagues to think about what consequences this change will bring. “Our service is of interest to the general public. Let’s transfer it to the executive segment and start shoveling money.” Ask your colleagues what the reaction to their actions will be. I think the answer is obvious: “Many will refuse to use our service and will go to competitors. Do we need this? This way you will show that you are not against the general line, but there are shortcomings in it. That is, you will express your opinion and not start a protracted conflict.
Screening filters. Calm, non-conflict character
The complete filter looks like this:
Calm, non-conflict character, ability to smooth out conflicts, calm an angry husband. Not a brawler, not a bully, not harboring a grudge, not vindictive, not mean.
Let's start with a calm, non-conflict character.
It’s unlikely that anyone wants to live with a hysterical, brawling, grumpy woman, for whom conflict is normal, and sometimes the only form of communication with others.
How to identify this? It is clear that while there is an acute phase of “love” between you (hormonal frenzy or a demo version), the woman will not show you her scandalousness, but will carefully hide it. Therefore, observe how a woman communicates with others: relatives, colleagues, friends. That is, with people for whom there are no acute positive feelings. Does she scream, is she arrogant, does she make cutting jokes? Or does he speak calmly, with a smile, softly and kindly?
How does she react to minor conflict situations (pushed in public transport, stepped on, said something negative in line, etc.). A calm, non-conflict person simply will not pay attention to such trifles. He’ll think, “What a fool you are,” and move on without saying a word. Or he’ll turn it all into a joke (even better). The brawler will immediately get involved in a conflict, start yelling, swearing, and sometimes fighting. Brawls involving women on public transport or in queues are not uncommon. You can safely project a woman’s behavior onto yourself: this is exactly how she will behave with you at the slightest conflict, when the hormonal frenzy or demo mode ends.
Look at how she interacts with the service staff (or servants, if there is one). Are sellers, waiters, taxi drivers, and hotel maids rude? Women often try to demonstrate their power in this way, to show “I am taller than you.” We understand that this is nothing more than lack of culture and cheap show-off. But ill-mannered women don’t know this. And thus they give themselves away completely.
Pay especially attention to how a woman reacts to your comments, reasonable demands, and to those moments when you outline your rules. An adequate woman takes this calmly. Takes note of comments and requirements and follows them. If something is unclear, she calmly asks what she should do in a given situation. The brawler does not tolerate any comments. Even if she is in a state of “love” (hormonal frenzy or demo version), then a “dielectric breakdown” is quite possible, as a result of which a tub of slop will pour out on you. Yes, comments and demands often force women to take off the mask of a loving kindness and show their true, scandalous and conflicting face.
Look how a woman communicates on social networks. It often happens that in the real world people behave calmly and respectably because they are afraid of condemnation and an aggressive response. At the same time, the same people on the Internet communicate rudely, with scandals and obscenities. Being in the illusion of anonymity and safety, brawlers take off their peaceful masks and behave naturally. Therefore, compare the way she talks to you and the way she behaves in the comments. Please note that more cunning people, even on social networks, behave differently depending on where they write or comment. On their page they are cultured girls. But as soon as they retreat to some neutral groups, a stream of obscenities, dirt, and insults begins. This is especially evident in women’s forums and public pages. On her page, she is modest and faithful, a candidate for an ideal wife. And on the forums he boasts about a bunch of sexual partners, depraved behavior, manipulating men and the like. Or he gets into trouble with men in men's groups. On his own page he posts texts about the right wife, and in his public pages he mocks “suckers” who remain faithful to one man all their lives and insults “goats” who want a faithful, obedient wife and a healthy family. In a word, she behaves like a cheeky girl, and not like a decent wife. The same goes for communicating with friends (in front of whom there is also no need to put on the mask of a decent woman). Sometimes I’ve seen that on a woman’s page everything is “like in the theater,” but as soon as you go to the pages of her close friends, you find obscene comments from this very woman. Greasy memories under some club photos, swearing at former partners, dirty discussion of current ones. They don’t even go personal - they discuss it in the comments, they are not ashamed. Therefore, it is better to compare a woman’s behavior in different places on the Internet.
We remember that a form of conflict can be not only an attack (scandal and screaming), but also a reverse reaction - deaf silence, resentment, tears, leaving, disappearing, ignoring. Both of these forms are equally bad for relationships. It is impossible to live with a lady who is constantly in a state of silent resentment.
Observe how the woman’s parents and other close relatives communicate with each other. If a scandal or a protracted, intense conflict (sawing) is the norm in a woman’s family, then there is a high probability that the woman will behave the same way with you, taking patterns of family behavior from her mother. If a mother nags her father, then the daughter most likely also “chainsaws.” Or another option, the opposite.
I knew one woman for whom family scandals were the norm. The mother there did not know how to speak calmly at all. She raised any question in the form of yelling and swearing. For example, if she complained that the baseboard had fallen off, she did not calmly tell her husband, “Sing, the baseboard has fallen off.” She immediately started yelling: “Are your eyes on your ass or something?!” Can't you see that the baseboard has fallen off? Damn quitter! Others are normal men, they see everything and do everything, but you are an idiot, good for nothing!!!” And this happens all the time, literally on every issue. Many times a day. So her daughter, my friend, about whom I started talking, had a character about which people say “knocked down by a dust bag from around the corner.” She was completely immersed in herself, as if she had renounced the world. Which, however, is understandable: living in such a family, you will either go to a mental hospital, or you will distance yourself from reality and plunge into your own world. The bad thing is that she practically never left this world and no constructive dialogue was possible. Any comments or rules simply hung in silence.
If, on the contrary, in a family all issues are resolved calmly and thoroughly, then this is a good sign.
The ability to smooth out conflicts and calm an angry husband is also very important. This is how nature created us, that a man is suited for combat, and a woman is suited for the family hearth, where a man returns after this fight to rest and lick his wounds. Often problems outside the home are serious, and therefore the husband may well come home angry. This is precisely why a woman’s skill in extinguishing conflicts and calming a man is required. Women have unusually well-developed emotional intelligence and speech, and therefore she has many ways in stock to calm an angry husband. However, for women who are inexperienced in this matter, I conducted two webinars: “How to extinguish conflicts and a man’s temper” and “How to put up with a man.” Look for both on the channel “Being a Woman. To be with a man."
If a woman does not know how to extinguish conflicts, this is bad. It’s doubly bad if she inflames them even more, making fun of the man’s worries and problems, reproaching him:
“The husband was reprimanded, and the wife scolded him and called him a klutz.
— Due to the crisis, my husband’s business income fell, and his wife gave a lecture on the topic “Why do all normal men earn decent money, but I am forced to live with a loser?!”
— The husband noticed that there were dusty window sills in the house and reprimanded his wife. She, instead of taking a rag and wiping it, and not making mistakes in the future, began to swear.
How to identify this trait? It’s as simple as that: watch how she behaves with you when you’re angry. Does he try to calm you down, somehow smooth out the tension? Or, on the contrary, does he begin to be indignant, sarcastic, swear, reproach?
As in the previous paragraph, how the woman reacts to your comments is very important here. Calm or conflict? Let me remind you that silence, resentment, and ignorance are also a variant of conflict. Even if your remark is unfair, a normal woman will first calm the man down, and only then tell the already calm man that the remark is unfair. A stupid woman will immediately rush into battle against an angry man - with the predictable result in the form of a full-blown scandal with all its consequences.
Here, too, I advise you to look at the family where the woman came from. Does the mother smooth over the father’s anger or, on the contrary, add fuel to the fire?
Not a hack. In one fairy tale, a scandalous heroine was punished by a sorceress in such a way that when she began to swear, disgusting toads jumped out of her mouth instead of words. To avoid getting into trouble with such a woman, pay attention to her vocabulary and behavior during conflict. How does she react to conflicts? Does he start swearing like a shoemaker, waving his arms and throwing himself into a fight? Or is he calmly and judiciously trying to solve it?
She doesn't harbor a grudge, she's not vindictive, she's not mean-spirited. Living with a vile, vindictive woman is a complete disaster. And here there is a risk not only of getting an unnecessary conflict. Here the danger is already physical: starting from the fact that a fighting bull with a pipe or knife will be set on you and ending with a false denunciation of rape. In a less traumatic, but also severe version: breaking glass, smearing feces on a door, puncturing car tires or causing scratches. Ladies aged from 20 to 70 (!!!) years old told me (boasted!) about all this! The latter was just breaking her ex-husband’s windows and smearing the door with feces. So we see that any age is submissive to a vile, evil character.
How to identify? Very difficult. Personally, I avoid secretive, silent people. You never know what's on their mind. Even an ordinary brawler, who in one impulse dumps all the garbage that has accumulated in her on you, is much better than a silent and vindictive person. In my book “Man and Woman: War or Peace?” I described this type of women in the chapter “Muddy”. She can hate you fiercely and remain silent. And strike the blow not in the form of verbal dissatisfaction, but in the form of a setup, a trick. Therefore, I try to deal only with those people who directly say what they do not like, and conflicts are resolved as they arise and in an adequate form. And they don’t accumulate them to the point of animal hatred towards you, in order to then cause physical harm to you, your freedom, your property.
It happens that women themselves brag about how cleverly they took revenge on their previous man. Sometimes this can be extracted from them during communication. It is clear that it is better not to have anything to do with such people at all.
You can ask mutual friends and colleagues about the woman. They may know something about the lady's similar tricks.
Pay attention to the little things: is a woman capable of meanness and revenge over little things? Pay attention to how a woman behaves during a conflict: she decides everything on the spot or harbors a grudge. Is she inclined to harm other people on the sly: friends, colleagues?
Here are two stories about how men had relationships with scandalous women (the texts are given in the author's edition).
First story:
I was kind and affectionate with my BZ. I helped her as much as possible, both financially and in reality (any matter), but she doesn’t respect everything. I talked to her about this topic. He warned me not to talk to me in “that” tone, not to be rude. But it was all in vain, all the conversations and persuasion worked for 3-5 days, then all over again. Whether I was too soft, or she is like that, I just don’t understand. I caught myself thinking that I didn’t feel like a man with her. In the sense that I’m kind of insecure with her. In my life I can be harsh in my statements to other people, but with her I tried to restrain myself so as not to say anything unnecessary or offend her. It was not uncommon to have an irresistible desire to say, “Aren’t you crazy, madam?”, but I remained silent simply because I was afraid of resentment and separation. It's really strange. It seemed to me that a woman should somehow inspire, encourage me to do “things,” like some kind of banner or flag, but in reality it turned out that not only was I struggling with my “innate” insecurity, but also her pressure on me was like a kind of test. I felt like I was constantly being checked for lice. A permanent attempt to carry out an inversion of dominance. And it bothered me. I thought: “Is it really impossible to just live peacefully together and give each other happiness? Why do I constantly have to prove to her that I’m a HUSBAND and that I won’t bend?” In a word - tired. The last straw was that at one event where I was helping her, she again began to speak in an imperious tone and criticize what I was doing. Although I did it because she needed it. I spent my time, my day off, to help her prepare for the event, but instead of thanks I received humiliation. That’s exactly how I felt her reproaches—as humiliation. This humiliated me both in my own eyes and in the eyes of the people there. A little later I left without waiting for the end of the event. It was on Saturday. Today, Monday, I found out that she was tired of “this”. She doesn’t like that I’m offended by the words she said.
Second story:
I'm 37. She's 29. Single mother. The child is 6 years old. We met three years ago. The first year she sought me out herself. Then, when I began to have feelings for her, scandals and quarrels began. Several times she left and returned. We lived together for about six months. A year ago she went back to her mother. Didn't like, didn't pay attention. A year of guest relations.
In April, he proposed to her as best he could. I still haven't received any answer.
This summer we went on vacation to St. Petersburg - me, her, my child from my first marriage, her child. Children are 4 years apart. Mine is older.
There were fights between the boys, but this was normal communication, because after five minutes they were friends again as if nothing had happened. However, she was very offended that my older, stronger man did not make concessions for her little son. If the three of us are with the boys, then everything is fine. If she appears, then immediately there are quarrels and scandals, both among the boys and among us.
Last week, via SMS message, I finally received answers from her (it took a whole day for her lengthy answers to become specific), she will not live with me, she will not move from her mother to me.
Last Saturday I gave her the phone number for the speech therapist she needed for her child. Instead of gratitude, she dumped a lot of dirt on me about the fact that during the three years of our relationship I cheated on her. I asked her to trust her friends less, since she was my choice and I didn’t run after other skirts. The dirt got worse. To the point that I apparently even slept with this teacher, a speech therapist. I stopped communicating with her.
This article will be included in a book about correct, healthy relationships.
To be continued. You can search for already released parts by typing the words “dropout filters” into the site search.
Understand the reasons
Many conflicts arise because people see the same situation differently. If you do not agree with the chosen path of development, instead of making trouble and swearing, it is better to try to understand what is behind this decision. Perhaps you misunderstood the management's intent. “Why did they cut our bonus? The boss took our money.” In fact, the funds are simply invested in business development. And, most likely, the boss invested more of his money than you. Once you find out the reason, you will see the whole situation more clearly.
Why are emotions needed? Emotions help determine the presence of a problem, the need for:
1. Survival . Namely: what is safe and what is dangerous. Everything seems to be clear here: if you get burned, fall, hungry, cold - it’s unpleasant, which means it’s life-threatening, and vice versa.
2. Adaptations . This includes: protecting one’s own boundaries, successful behavior patterns, high social status, financial well-being and pleasant appearance, excellent skills, deep knowledge and awards.
It is more clear with social and financial status : the higher they are, the more pleasant and calm a person is, his adaptation increases. This is why we all strive so hard to earn more, to occupy not the last place on the career ladder, and to start families. A person in need, an unemployed person experiences negative emotions, stress, now it’s clear why? Because his survival is at risk, this is biology... It’s the same story with appearance, skills, knowledge
But with protecting your own boundaries and behavior patterns, the situation is like this:
In childhood, we act in accordance with natural laws: if we are unhappy, we cry, if we are happy, we rejoice, we laugh. When interacting with others, we act on the same principle. And everything would be fine if it weren’t for EDUCATION!
Reasonable parents intervene in the natural course of the child’s thinking, a very adaptive way of thinking, and begin to form a non-conflict person, convenient for parents and for society. How many times are we told: “Don’t cry!”, “Hush!”, and the like.
Moreover, many parents decide that a child, starting from kindergarten age, must “figure it out” on his own. Deal with conflict situations with peers and other adults.
That is, on the one hand, regular prohibitions on expressing anger , on the other hand, the absence of correct and adequate models of behavior SHOWN by parents for resolving conflicts in different situations .
3. Self-development and self-realization . Here there are common “torments” about the correctness of the chosen profession, life’s work, or hobby. Unfortunately, many parents, not excluding you and me, control the desires of their children; the banal “I want” is replaced by the impressive concept of “anti-want,” that is, the parent begins to convince the child to give up his desire. And so on almost every desire. As a result, we grow up (there are exceptions) without our own idea of the desired path in life, relying on the will of our parents. And then we are often dissatisfied.
