Manfred Kets de Vries
Business coach, psychoanalyst, author of the books “The Mystic of Leadership”, “Leader on the Couch. A clinical approach to changing people and organizations."
Probably everyone encounters such people. Take Lisa, for example.
Whenever she meets Peter, one of the executives of the large retail chain where they both work, she wants to hide in a corner. Because Lisa knows in advance what will happen. Peter's face will be sad. He will start by complaining about the difficulties in his work: stupid employees, unnecessary contractors. Then he will speak out about the authorities, who always oppress and do not think about ordinary people. Then he will move on to a dreary story about his unsettled personal life.
Previously, Lisa tried to translate this stream of complaints into a more positive direction. She reminded me that everything was not so bad, suggested that we treat people more easily and more leniently, and gave advice. But in the end I realized that it was futile. And she simply began to avoid Peter.
This strategy is quite reasonable. A person who is constantly doing poorly not only suffers himself. He becomes toxic to everyone around him.
How people who constantly complain hurt themselves
According to psychologists, Complaining is Bad for your Brain! / M1 Psychology, the habit of complaining has quite obvious physical consequences. When a person endlessly verbalizes pessimistic, powerless experiences, a rewiring of neural connections occurs in his brain. As a result, negative thinking patterns become more stable. And for positive ones - for example, gratitude, trust, a sense of well-being - there is simply no room left.
Over time, those who think negatively all the time become addicted to it. They are attracted to drama as an opportunity to feel sorry for themselves over and over again.
The habit of seeing the bad in everything affects work and life in general. A complaining person clearly sees problems, but most often is not able to deal with them. After all, searching for a solution presupposes faith in success. And for people with an established negative way of thinking, it is more common and pleasant for them to think that nothing will work out.
What does mental pain “scream” about?
Bad mood, depression, despondency, sadness are emotions that have a right to exist. It is impossible to be positive all the time. When something hurts, we go to the doctor. Pain is a sign that there is some problem in the body. Treatment is necessary to prevent the disease from developing further.
The situation with the internal state is exactly the same. If you do not cope with the negative emotions that poison the soul in time, everything can end in severe depression, mental disorders and even suicide attempts. Heaviness in the soul may be a signal that it’s time to:
- rethink your goals and reconsider the current stage of life;
- make changes that you can’t decide to make and constantly put off;
- slow down the pace of work;
- take a break from the hassle and bustle;
- be more attentive to yourself, your feelings and experiences, without pushing them into the background;
- get rid of loneliness and find like-minded people.
If you recognize such signals in time and take measures to eliminate them, then your state of mind will improve quite quickly. Your mood will improve and life will sparkle with new colors.
You should sound the alarm when you notice the following signs:
- Eternal depression. You are constantly in a bad mood. Nothing pleases me at all. You don’t even try to smile at others on duty.
- Lost interest. What once made your eyes burn has now become bland and boring. Neither work, nor hobbies, nor hobbies arouse enthusiasm anymore. Moreover, you even avoid meeting with friends.
- Prostration. You feel like your battery is completely drained. Even if you have gathered the last of your strength and started to work, you immediately stop it. You are unable to concentrate on completing tasks.
- Deterioration in sleep quality, insomnia. At night, sadness and melancholy become even heavier. Anxious thoughts prevent you from falling asleep peacefully. And when you wake up in the morning, you feel as if you had been unloading wagons all night.
- Indifference to one's appearance. Not only have you stopped visiting the hairdresser, but you even simply forget to wash your hair or brush your teeth. You put on the clothes that fall out of the closet first. You don't care at all about your appearance.
- Lost desire to have sex. People who are in close relationships have lost the joy of sex. They stop taking initiative and are reluctant to agree to intimacy with a partner. They don’t even try to act out passion in bed.
- Apathy. You are no longer interested in news from the lives of your friends. You don't care what you're wearing, what you look like, what you eat, etc.
All signs point to you being deeply depressed. And it's time to pull yourself out of it. The article “How to get out of depression” has a lot of useful tips on this topic.
How People Who Complain All the Time Harm Others
It's like passive smoking. You don't need to smoke yourself to inhale harmful nicotine smoke - just stand next to someone who has a cigarette. Other people's complaints are the same smoke.
The human brain is designed in such a way that we unconsciously try on the mood of those people who surround us. We become infected with other people's emotions. The mechanism of empathy is based on this.
From an evolutionary perspective, empathy is a useful quality. She helps us survive. If people around us are afraid, we also feel anxious. And we flee for our lives, without wasting precious seconds to independently discover the danger and get scared. Empathy also allows us to quickly unite with others to protect ourselves from a threat.
But this mechanism also has a downside. If someone around you constantly complains, you may become infected with someone else's negative way of thinking. And before you realize it, you yourself will begin to behave the same way.
When does love turn into pity?
In one of the eastern languages, the verb “to love” is literally translated as “to take your pain upon yourself” (that is, to feel sorry!). Of course, feeling sorry for your loved one is absolutely natural!
But let's look at a typical situation.
Here is a man sitting on the sofa, unsuccessfully looking for a job for the fifth month (which is greatly facilitated by the sofa itself, the TV and beer). Throughout the apartment there is incessant whining and complaints about the “unfair world”, which does not want to let him, a graduate of a construction vocational school, into the chair of the general director of a marketing company.
All this is accompanied by demands: “Cook some soup! Where's my clean shirt? Why didn’t you buy sausages?!”
What should the owner of such a “treasure” do? That's right - shoot it in the neck!
And all women will give exactly this advice in this situation, if we are talking about a friend, the heroine of a talk show, a discussion on a forum...
But as soon as such a situation happens in their own life (of course, I don’t wish this on anyone!), the woman’s views change dramatically - instead of breaking up with a clearly unsuitable man, she begins to feel sorry for this man. Soups are boiled with renewed energy and chops are fried, beer is brought from the stall on demand without the slightest complaint... All whims, spinelessness and lack of initiative, rudeness and even aggression are attributed to the influence of the “unfair world”, as the “sufferer” himself speaks about it.
All the arguments of acquaintances trying to open a woman’s eyes to what is happening are crushed by the iron argument: “But I love him!”
Hmm, friends and relatives think, if such a wonderful young lady in all respects tolerates such a scarecrow next to her, then this, apparently, is truly “love until the grave”! But is it only love that becomes the reason for such all-forgiving pity for a man?
Should you always avoid those who complain?
No. Not all complaints are harmful. There are also productive ones: they lead to the achievement of some result, although not always obvious.
For example, a person may complain to you to:
- Share your experiences and fears. In return, you will give him the support he needs and thus help reduce stress.
- Report an issue that concerns you. So this problem is brought to the surface and becomes available for discussion. And this is the first step towards finding a solution.
- Arouse sympathy and a desire to help. Let’s say that the same Peter could complain to Lisa in order to win her over to his side in some conflict within their organization.
Productive complaints have one thing in common: they are situational and do not occur every day.
Chronic dissatisfaction is completely different. It is endless and has no purpose. More precisely, at one time there may have been a goal. For example, people often acquire the habit of complaining at an early age - in this way they attract the attention of their parents. But then it turns into a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior. And it can even become part of a person’s personality.
This is what may have happened to Peter. Therefore, he ignored Lisa's advice. After all, if he followed them, the reasons for complaints could disappear, and this would threaten his inner worldview.
What happens to us when we constantly listen to someone else's complaints?
Such “complainers” usually know how to make their interlocutors feel sorry for them, and we often become imbued with their misfortunes (real or fictitious) and begin to perceive their problems as our own.
This takes away a significant portion of our energy.
Our emotional state changes, our emotions are now largely determined by the situation in which the other person is.
Feelings such as frustration, guilt and sadness cause hormonal changes in the brain , resulting in:
- Emotional imbalance
- Difficulty solving your own problems
- Decreased concentration
- Negative thoughts
How to communicate with a person who often complains
Unfortunately, attempts to help such people are most often ineffective, if not completely unsuccessful. The problem can be solved with psychotherapy sessions, but the person himself must realize its necessity.
Unless you are a close relative who could persuade the complainer to visit a specialist, your task is first and foremost to protect yourself. And only then, “at a safe distance,” look for a way to help.
Set boundaries
The same Lisa should tell Peter that she is ready to listen to him, sympathize and give him some advice. But I’m not ready to have a repetitive conversation over and over again. For the simple reason that chewing on the negative does not benefit either party.
Remind people that complaining can be productive or not.
Sometimes it’s even useful to complain about something. But complaints must have a purpose. Lisa should ask Peter what exactly he expects from others when he talks about his problems.
It's one thing if he needs help: Lisa is always ready to provide it. But if the goal is solely to complain, and Peter does nothing to solve the problem, then you can report that the conversation is not constructive.
Change the topic to something more positive
This is a way to try to reconfigure the brain of a complaining person from the usual negativity to something good. For example, if someone is complaining about how busy they are, you could say, “Wow, you lead such a busy life! And they are able to cope with so many things at the same time!” Or to the phrase “I get so tired with children,” try to answer with the following words: “Oh, I saw your boy recently, he is so lively and optimistic. He has an amazing smile, just like yours!”
The world is full of difficulties. But at the same time, there are many joys around that you also need to learn to notice. This helps break negative patterns in thinking. And ultimately, it makes life easier not only for the one who complains, but also for everyone around him.
Types of whiners
A Complaining Person Needs a Listener
People who constantly complain can be divided into two categories.
- An inveterate complainer. This type of people does not notice that they whine non-stop. Such a person is always “cold”, sometimes “hot”, sometimes “a lot”, sometimes “little”, sometimes “boring”, sometimes “scary”. By definition, everything is worse for him than for others. He sees everything in black tones. It is difficult for him to enjoy life; he believes that punishment will come with fun. And so it turns out that this individual is only engaged in looking for shortcomings in everything, even if there are none. Considering any situation, first of all, he sees a certain catch. When you first communicate with such a special person, you show sympathy, but very soon you begin to avoid the whiner.
- Aching from time to time. Such an individual complains only occasionally, and at times he may, on the contrary, praise his successes and exaggerate his own achievements. However, the period of boasting does not last long, and such an individual returns to whining again. Such behavior is the result of a lack of internal self-control. Moreover, the complaints and boasting of such persons take on exaggerated forms. When a person whines, she looks like a “beaten dog,” when she brags, she looks like a “funny peacock.”
Those who complain need outside support. They lack healthy self-esteem.
Watch your words
When you begin to control your speech, you will be very surprised how often within 24 hours you begin to cry to your interlocutor for various reasons. At first it will be difficult to completely eliminate such a flaw, but then you will begin to understand that the game is worth the candle, and you will be able to prove to yourself that you are able to remain silent where it would be unnecessary.
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Change your role
Instead of saying that you owe someone something, say it differently. For example, instead of saying, “I have to pick up the kids and my friend from school,” say, “I’m picking up my friend and the kids today.” It seems like they said the same thing, but it sounds different.
People rarely help if someone expresses their problems. Perhaps they can give advice, but it is unlikely that anyone will use these recommendations. Therefore, it is much wiser to teach yourself not to complain, so as not to attract failure. It is then that life will turn the right way towards you, and fortune will do everything so that your complaints disappear and sink into oblivion.
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