Listening but not hearing: how we potentially create a rift in relationships

Are you told that you don't know how to listen to people? It’s impossible to “reach out” to you and “no matter what you say,” you still can’t hear your interlocutor.

They ask you: “Listen to the end at least once,” but you can’t do it. Your head is constantly busy with your thoughts.

Then this article is for you.

If you are good at interacting with people, then close this page and calmly go about your business.

I don't want to bore you with incredibly useful communication skills (especially where I reveal the "sixteen secrets of communication"), which I talk about in great detail in this article.

Because they easily help resolve any conflict situations, and bring peace of mind and peace.

Listen and hear - what's the difference?

First, let's figure out what is the difference between the ability to listen to a person and the ability to hear a person?

“ Listen ” and “ hear ” are two close, but essentially very different skills.

The ability to listen is about the ability to listen so that your interlocutor wants to open up to you, speaks to you openly and with pleasure.

The ability to hear is the ability to hear the interlocutor, and not your various thoughts about what he said. Hear exactly what is said, the essence of what is said.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

Listen and hear: similar sound, different meaning. Compare: “Yes, I listen to you, I listen,” and “I heard you.” The first verb is focused on the process, the second – on the result, so it is important to listen and hear the interlocutor, try to understand what idea he wants to convey.

Hearing means not only processing the sound signals that the interlocutor sends us, but also understanding the meaning that he puts into his speech, assimilating the information conveyed to us. The ability to hear plays an important role in preventing and resolving conflicts, since they are often caused by misunderstanding between interlocutors. A conflict, which is often caused by misunderstanding and inability to conduct a constructive dialogue, can be prevented or peacefully resolved at the initial stage if the interlocutors are able to hear each other.

How to learn to listen to a person.

Concentrate.

Put aside all your activities and try to concentrate on what the person is telling you. Maintain “warm attention” to the interlocutor and do not get distracted.

Unfortunately, during a conversation, many “pretend” that they are listening to the interlocutor, although this is not the case, hence misunderstanding and conflict.

Try to maintain contact with a person, a living person, sincere feeling and support.

Don’t object to your interlocutor, even if you really want to, try to take his side (remember the “Perception Position” exercise).

If you don’t understand something, ask clarifying questions to your interlocutor, while being in a state of interest and full attention to him.

https://youtu.be/UsyOQG0i7oE

Train yourself to nod, reflecting the feelings of your interlocutor with your face.

Did you know that nodding is the main element of a person's listening skill. Your nod says that you are “on the same wavelength” with the interlocutor, that you hear and understand him. You understand what he is saying and that you care.

It can be helpful to add any words of “understanding” to the nod, such as: “Uh-huh.” Yes! It's clear. Wow!"

At the same time, your face should express sincere interest in the interlocutor and respond positively to what he says.

Why is it important to listen?

Because this is a valuable social skill that not everyone has. One who is able to listen is special in the following ways:

• He knows a lot about other people.
• He inspires trust and wins over others.
• More often than others, he manages to resolve conflict situations and find competent solutions to problems.
• He seems to be an empathic person - and people in society are drawn to such people. It becomes even easier to make connections.
• He can easily build healthy and strong relationships of any nature (personal, friendly, work).
• Others love him and are often ready to provide mutual support and help.
• Thanks to the fact that he constantly thinks, his brain and thinking are better developed.

Also, a person who knows how to listen is doing himself a favor. Surprisingly, this ability affects mental health! If a person knows how to listen to others (in particular, loved ones), then they will never tell him that he makes someone feel unnecessary and unimportant. He will not think that he is creating tension in the relationship. Because he knows that he does a lot to strengthen relationships and improve the moral well-being of other people. Inner peace and good feeling in the soul. We are social creatures, and it cannot be denied that the microclimate prevailing in our immediate society (which we often create) affects our well-being.

And finally, an interesting fact! Doctors have proven that people who cannot (or do not want to) listen are more likely than others to suffer from a decline in their cognitive functions and the quality of their hearing itself. And these problems, according to statistics, often lead to depression. So learn to love listening - for your own and others' benefit.

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Sixteen secrets of communication for successfully understanding a person

In order to successfully learn to listen to a person, you need to master several secrets/skills, which I will tell you about today.

You may already know some of them and successfully master them, then rejoice at this: “Wow! Well done!”, and start mastering what is not yours yet.

So here we go, sixteen communication secrets/skills:

• It is difficult for me to establish contact with a person and get him to talk. If so, master the Sunshine exercise.
• I keep the conversation going by nodding, expressing agreement, and showing interest. If this is not the case, train yourself to do so.
• I never demonstrate boredom, melancholy, or even indifference during a conversation. If this is not the case, then wean yourself from this bad habit. It's just bad manners.
• I can listen to my interlocutor to the end, even if he is distracted and says obviously erroneous and unfair things. If this is not the case, teach yourself this. Yes, it's not easy, but it will increase your efficiency.

• Whatever feelings arise in me, I do not interrupt the interlocutor, and let him calmly finish speaking to the end. If this is not so, we learn to keep a Diary of Emotions, otherwise it is a disgrace. A person with internal culture does not allow himself to do this.
• If a person interrupts me, I calmly stop. Two people cannot speak at the same time. If this is not so, learn it. If the interlocutor is not well-mannered, why be like him?
• Even if the interlocutor uses prickly phrases, I continue the discussion calmly, carefully and correctly. If this is not the case, pay attention to the article “Magnetic Look”. It will help you. It will teach you to be at peace in any stressful situation.
• If the story goes in the wrong direction, I know how to gently redirect it in the right direction. If this is not the case, then master the “Internal Translator” exercise and learn to do everything with a smile. You will succeed.

• When a person talks about what worries him, I ask about what worries him, and do not turn the conversation to “about my own and about myself.” If this is not the case, set yourself such a task and practice. It's easy and fun.
• When a person talks, my eyes are not away, but always on the interlocutor. If this is not the case, train the “Magnetic Look” and the inner smile. You'll like it.
• I listen carefully to my interlocutor and can almost always repeat all his main thoughts. If this is not the case, practice the repetition verbatim. Important exercise!

• I feel what a person really cares about, and I know how to give him the emotional support he needs. If this is not the case, practice the “Feeling” exercise. The exercise is not easy, but super interesting.

• I listen to smart and business people intelligently, and to worried and worried people with my soul. If this is not the case, during the conversation, think and determine what is important to you and what is important to your interlocutor.
• When maintaining a conversation, I often bring up not negative and conflicting thoughts, but positive ones that bring us closer together. If this is not so, start taking care of yourself and do such simple and important things
• When something is unclear to me in what a person is saying, I don’t lose interest, but ask questions to figure it out. If this is not the case, your emotions are interfering with you, so again the “Magnetic Look”
• I am proficient in the “Repeat-Agree-Add” technique and always use it when necessary. If this is not the case, master this technique.

Activity and passivity

Yes, these concepts are applicable to the topic under discussion. And they are not that difficult to understand.

Active listening is about healthy relationships between colleagues, relatives, lovers, friends, etc. This process requires not just involvement, but some motivation and even effort. Because listening often develops into a dialogue, during which a person has to give feedback not only in the form of emotions, but also in the form of advice and recommendations. Sometimes you have to look for complex solutions, come up with solutions to a problem - which is impossible if you listen without interest and constantly miss the point.

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What about passive listening? This process is not particularly pleasant. A person simply has to listen to someone for one reason or another. But in fact, he has not the slightest desire to do this.

Verb Hear

During the day, we usually hear a huge number of different sounds (if, of course, everything is in order with our hearing): we get up to the sound of an annoying alarm clock in the morning (hear the alarm clock), hear the annoying swifts outside the window (hear the annoying swifts outside the window) or a neighbor from above (hear the neighbor's noise above), and sometimes we hear something like a knock on the roof, or something that no one can hear, and then it turns out that it is the voice of tall grass on the other side.

All these sounds or noises enter our ears involuntarily, even when we do not want it. This is what the verb “hear” expresses.

• transcription and translation: hear [hɪər] - to hear;
• meaning of the word: a person’s ability to hear, to have hearing, or, on the contrary, not to hear:

I think she can't hear you in the crowd. think she can hear you in the crowd.

• usage : when we want to show the fact that we hear something.
• examples:

I heard this song on the radio this morning, can't get it outta my head. I heard a song on the radio this morning and I can’t get it out of my head.

The verb "hear" is also used when talking about listening to a performer, TV or radio announcer, or lecturer:

You have a chance to hear the course of lectures at Oxford University. You have a chance to attend a course of lectures at Oxford University. We are going to the theater to hear that famous Japanese ensemble. We are going to the theater to listen to that famous Japanese ensemble.

In addition, we use “hear” when a lawsuit is being heard in court. The hearing of the case in this case will be called “ hearing ”, respectively:

The matter will be heard on Monday. The case will be heard on Monday.

There are also meanings “to recognize”, “to hear”, “to receive a message/news”; in such cases, “hear” is also accompanied by the preposition “ from ” - when we want to focus on the source from which we heard something, we use “ hear from ”:

Did you hear from your friend in LA? Any news from your friend in Los Angeles? My mom was glad to hear from you. My mother was glad to hear from you.

We bring to your attention interesting expressions with the verb “hear”:

hear a case - consider a case in court; hear a complaint - listen to a complaint; hear of in a roundabout way - find out about something in a roundabout way; hear from horse's mouth – hear firsthand; hear it on the grapevine – overhear, accidentally hear (a rumor reached me); hear me out - listen to me to the end; hear much, speak little - eat mushroom pie, but keep your mouth shut; hear the birdies sing – to be stunned, to pass out, to lose your head with happiness; Hear noise all right, but where is the fight? - What is all the noise, but there is no fight?

As can be seen from the above, in none of the above examples, with the exception of the last, “hear” is not accompanied by a preposition (this is one of the differences ), which cannot be said about “listen”, which is often followed by the preposition “ to ”.

Secret #3: Watch movies

For years, teachers have advised students to watch unadapted English-language films with subtitles to develop listening skills. However, in real life, subtitles do not appear synchronously with the speech of your interlocutor, accompanying his statements, so from the very beginning you need to give up the hope of “spotting” an incomprehensible word in the subtitles, otherwise watching a film will turn into reading from the screen.

Practice has shown that with this method of studying oral speech, students begin to “hear” and understand 20-30% more words within two months than before.

Another useful point: when watching a movie, also break it into fragments corresponding to several sentences (from 2 to 5), which you will play at least 3 times until you can hear and understand everything (in the first stages, it is recommended to listen to the fragment up to 10 times, gradually reducing the number of auditions to 3).

Important: when working on fragments, write down every word you hear on paper. Don't be selective, not just what you think is most important - write down exactly what you hear. And only after listening to the passage several times, having written down each word by ear, can you turn on subtitles for self-test.

In addition, some words may be unfamiliar to you and subtitles will help you “get to know” them. You need to write down each unfamiliar word, find out its meaning and learn its pronunciation.

And after all these procedures, you can watch the entire movie, with subtitles turned on. You will be surprised: suddenly you will realize that you can understand every word! You can even “watch” a movie with your eyes closed: the visual channel of perception will “rest”, while your hearing will be sharpened and it will be easier for you to concentrate on what you heard.

Another little secret that teachers usually don’t talk about: start training your listening comprehension with children’s programs! Why? In children's programs, simple words are heard (“I love you, you love me, we're one big happy family”), they are pronounced loudly, clearly and slowly, and are often accompanied by illustrative videos.

It will also be useful to watch television programs (choose programs that you enjoy) until you master their vocabulary. You can watch TV shows like Friends: the jokes aren't always high-flying, but they're funny, and they're spoken in a way that's clear enough for the audience to hear and understand. The episodes are short, lasting about 20 minutes.

The next stage will be watching full-length action films. As a rule, in these films, the meaning of any complex word is explained by one of the characters: some kind of “nerd scientist”, acting as a kind of contrast to the “macho” main character.

After action films, you can move on to dramatic films, and then to comedies, where it is important to understand the subtext and recognize sarcasm. Dramatic films are verbose and designed for an intellectual viewer, the vocabulary in them is quite complex, the meaning of the words is not explained in the film itself - you have to understand everything yourself.

What gives people the ability to listen?

• By actively listening to what the other person is saying, you can analyze his preferences and interests. Thanks to this, you will have the opportunity to shape the conversation process and lead it in the right direction.
• You will also learn a lot of new and interesting things, because every person is a storehouse of knowledge and experience. It will also help you develop your memory and get rid of absent-mindedness.
• If you are attentive to other people, then they will be attentive to you. By trying to understand what your interlocutor is saying, you are giving him a compliment. After this, the person himself will listen to your opinion.
• Listening to other people is one of the easiest ways to make a good impression on yourself. It would seem that you have not said almost a single word, but you are already considered a pleasant interlocutor.

The ability to listen is the key to success!

Modern psychologists have long been united in the opinion that the art of listening helps a person achieve success in any area of ​​life. Scientists surveyed 15 millionaires, asking only one question: “What quality helped you achieve success?” The necessary condition was to answer without hesitation and in one sentence. Each of the respondents without hesitation noted that listening skills helped them.

So how do you learn to listen and hear?

First of all, you need to have a desire to listen to the person in advance

When we know, or seem to know, what exactly our interlocutor will say, our attention is not focused on the conversation. Tips to help improve listening skills:

Start listening to your interlocutor from the very beginning of the conversation and do not relax your attention until it is completed; put other things aside. Never try to combine several things during a conversation; make an effort to become interested in the topic of conversation. Evaluate what is said by its content, not by the way it is presented. Always remain objective. Don't make hasty conclusions. Pay attention to the point of view of the person you are talking to. Maintain eye contact. Watch your body language, it should communicate to the interlocutor that you are interested. When the interlocutor finishes the story, ask clarifying questions on the topic. Provide a comfortable environment for communication so that there are no distractions. Add affirmative responses, for example, “yes, yes,” “I see.”

In order to master anything perfectly, training is necessary in addition to practice and theory.

In your free time, pay attention to the following practical exercises, and then your ability to hear and listen will quickly reach heights. Exercises to improve your “listening” ability: 1. Take a comfortable sitting position, relax, close your eyes

Listen to the sounds around you. Recognize every sound you hear. How many sounds do you hear in total? This exercise not only helps you learn to hear, but also has a calming effect. Give it 5-10 minutes a day. 2. When conducting a conversation, do not rush with your statements. Listen to your interlocutor to the end, pause

In addition, pausing before your speech will give it importance. 3

Listen to the radio whenever possible. But not musical, but conversational programs. Afterwards, answer the questions to yourself: “What information did you learn?”, “What was the main meaning?” Concisely retell everything you heard to yourself.

Emotional intellect

Scientists have recently coined a new term: “emotional intelligence.” It means the ability to understand the emotions of other people and manage your own emotional state.

When you have a high level of emotional intelligence, you will be able to not only discern the motives of another person, but also feel and understand yourself. For example, catch the moment when it’s time for you to relieve stress or change your environment, so as not to burn out emotionally.

In this state, you will be able to resolve conflicts and find the best solutions in the most difficult situations. In disputes, you will become more aware of what your opponents want and how best to behave with them.

Already, many large international companies are testing the level of emotional intelligence. A study was recently conducted among the largest US companies (Google, Pepsi and others), it revealed that 90% of leading managers have a high level of emotional intelligence.

Therefore, in order to build a successful career you need to have not only a high IQ, but also an EQ. A person with high levels of emotional intelligence is a good empath. He is able to well recognize the emotions of another person, predict his behavior and motivation. Such an employee will be useful in any position. In addition, he understands on a subconscious level how to listen and speak correctly.

A person gifted with emotional intelligence strives to achieve his goals, regardless of failures and setbacks.