Married mistress of a married man - psychology of lovers' relationships: what to do if a woman falls in love with a guy and he has a wife

In this article we will tell you:

The imaginary attractiveness of being a mistress
9 good reasons why it is dangerous to be the mistress of a married man

Any woman who has found herself in the position of an “alternate airfield” will tell you why it is dangerous to be a mistress. It would seem that the word “mistress” has something that the words “spouse”, “wife”, etc. do not have. It contains love, and it is through love that these vicious, but so sweet relationships are created.

However, the status of a mistress threatens not only hair torn out by a jealous wife. For a woman, this situation is also fraught with moral torment, because she has to come to terms with the fact that the person dear to her heart does not belong to her, and every meeting takes place under the cover of secrecy. We’ll talk further about why it’s still dangerous to be a mistress.

Why do wives cheat?

Many perceive male adultery as the norm, attributing everything to physiology and polygamy. They have many signals: they want change, they want to express sexual energy and just have fun. Many people don’t even think that a guy’s betrayal counts.

But girls are usually treated more demandingly, and therefore they are accustomed to hiding an affair more carefully. Let's figure out where it comes from. The usual “excuses” for men are unacceptable here:

Sexual attraction at the level of instinct - women are more likely to focus on feelings and emotions.
Novelty is repulsive, because they are attracted to stability.
Self-affirmation - no, because only a guy can assert himself, and for a girl such a reputation will only become offensive.

It is interesting to note that the real reasons are strongly related to the marital relationship. Common reasons why a married woman falls in love with a married or single man:

Poor relationship with your spouse, lack of affection, care, tenderness and sense of security. Psychological discomfort.
Lack of attention: the husband does not notice the new haircut or new clothes. He spends all his time in the garage under the car or in the company of his friends, leaving his wife to while away the lonely evenings.
Revenge. What if the man has already been caught in adultery? Of course, many go through this stage, forgive, try to forget, but subconsciously there is a certainty that the traitor should be punished.
Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Sometimes the spouse stops performing marital duty altogether or performs it, caring exclusively about his own pleasure - no foreplay, prolonged caresses, romance or gratification of sexual desires. The second common option is satiety with monotony.
Lack of emotions. Sometimes it happens like this: boring, the same, stable. I want adventure, like in a romantic film - an explosion, a storm, but at home everything is ordinary. Everyday life eats up men too - they stop expressing their feelings, which leads to a complete emotional vacuum in the family.
Finding the perfect love or a prince on a white horse. Often marriage occurs after an unplanned pregnancy or for other reasons, when they hoped for “endure and fall in love.” But all the years of marriage they are looking for that one and only.
Love. An outburst of intense mutual feelings can lead to an affair.

Olesya

I was a deceived wife. Moreover, it is extremely arrogant and cynical. I won’t give details, believe me – it’s a very ugly story. Divorced. Married men flock to me - but as soon as I remember how many tears I shed because of this rat, I can’t even think about sleeping with a married man.

I admit, I made a mistake once too. I felt neither happy nor unhappy. I just didn’t care – we had a great time together. We rode bicycles, went to the pool, went to a cafe, he taught me extreme driving. But my conscience got the better of me, so the relationship didn’t go far and remained at the level of flirting. However, I am a little ashamed of this, because I will have to answer for everything in this life.

What do you think about this?

Reasons why a married man loves a married woman

Most husbands are not going to divorce. As I noted, they do not see anything wrong with betrayal, so they treat their mistress with ease, as temporary entertainment.

If a girl is unmarried, she intuitively hopes for the continuation of the relationship and its legalization. She has a lot of free time that can be spent on calls, messages, meetings. They are more interested in gifts and constant attention.

A married woman, on the contrary, is different:

Unpretentiousness: she is satisfied with her current situation, she does not want to change anything.
The desire to give all the love and tenderness, she is an experienced woman, she already knows a lot, she does not strive to play a role that is inaccessible.
The need to hide relationships. She will not gossip or tell her colleagues and friends.
Material considerations. It’s simply impossible to give expensive gifts - after all, how will she tell her legal husband about the new acquisition.

The right to choose

Should I have a lover or not? It would not be worth talking about this topic, since it is akin to how a man will think about whether he needs to date someone or not. Each person has his own right to choose when he independently decides how to develop his love sphere.

However, the reality turns out to be a completely different position. Men only think that they choose whether to have mistresses or not, but life shows that this society influences the mood of each individual.

In all centuries, there have been prostitutes who gratified the lustful desires of men. At all times, women have been trained to serve the male sex. Throughout the ages, men have been indoctrinated with the idea that they are polygamous. Even if you ask a modern person (both a woman and a man) whether a man can cheat, why a man cheats, or whether it is necessary to forgive a man’s infidelity, many will answer with cliched phrases that have also been implanted in the heads of society:

Who isn't cheating now?
A man is polygamous and tends to sleep with many women.
Only a henpecked man and a loser cannot have several women.

If you look at what information is given on TV, you can follow one idea: “Every successful man should have a mistress. And the richer a man is, the more women he should have.” We are talking about men who must be married. The idea of a harem is being promoted, which is prohibited by Russian law, but every man is allowed to create one unofficially.

We can say that a man does not have the right to choose, but the choice he must make is imposed on him. And in order to understand whether you personally need to have a mistress, you should start considering the question with why you need her.

What does a married woman want from a married man and why does she prefer him?

In general, the reasons are similar. But jealousy is mixed in. Bachelors have a strong sense of ownership; they are not used to sharing a girl with anyone, even if the legal spouse is claiming. They will express dissatisfaction in every possible way; in case of a breakup, they may even threaten or blackmail.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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A lover who has a spouse will not be jealous, because he himself is in a similar state. He will not make a scene, blackmail, or publicize a secret affair, because he will have to divorce his wife first.

Another “minus” of bachelors is that they need a lot of free time spent together. In addition, the lack of commitment leads to the fact that they have a less regular sex life and uncontrolled sexual intercourse becomes more frequent.

Another advantage of married people is that they are reliable, accustomed to keeping their promised words, and acting appropriately, in accordance with the situation.

We conclude: if a lover and mistress are both married, they are more confident in each other and know how to relax and distract themselves from everyday problems together.

Pauline

Mistresses themselves choose this path, but in the end they are not the only ones who suffer! Moreover, you cannot build happiness on someone else’s misfortune. It's a pity that some people forget about this. I myself was a mistress against my will (the guy hid it, and somehow I didn’t think to look at my passport). Everything became clear when I persuaded him to take out a loan for a car (to him). That's when it came to the passport. Only then did I understand why he didn’t want to deal with the paperwork for a long time, and especially didn’t let me in. We broke up instantly. I'm not used to taking someone else's.

How to deal with a married lover

Girls should be careful and not leave traces of their presence, and also not count on too much. In 95 percent of cases, he will not get divorced and will not propose marriage to you. I will give specific recommendations.

Behavior rules

Insist on meetings on neutral territory.
Never use his wife’s things - do not use perfumes, hygiene products, cosmetics.
Do not call first, do not write SMS or messages on social networks. Your best option is not to leave any written evidence of affection.
Don't demand too much: family is always more important.

If you are confused and find yourself in a difficult situation, I recommend signing up for my consultation. I will listen to your problems, give advice and recommendations.

Valentina

It’s good for that woman who knows how to live for herself, her beloved, and not get hung up on anyone: it doesn’t matter whether he’s a husband or a lover - one hell of a lot! You need to think about yourself, don’t adapt to anyone. Although I myself understand that this may even be very difficult - for myself, for example. But I am absolutely sure that this is the secret of our female happiness - not to dissolve in a man like sugar in tea!

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Benefits of being a lover

This is an easy relationship - there is no need to give reports, promises, you can break it off at any time. No guilt, only freedom.
A rich experience. How can you find out the type of man that suits you if you don’t try to get closer to him?
Have a nice stay. The beloved on the side receives more entertainment, cafes and even trips to resorts than the legal spouse. Enjoy life without obligations.
Rest from household duties. You will open the buttons on the shirt, and someone else will sew them on. How to cook borscht, wash socks, iron suits.
Fresh emotions, including from extreme sports.
Material support. Often a man strives to provide for his beloved. You can expect even such large gifts as a car or an apartment from a well-to-do businessman.

Dasha

It's all in the past for me. In general, I’ll tell you, there is nothing more disgusting than watching him get ready to go home after sex. So he begins to discreetly look at his watch. Then it's noticeable. Then he sighs sadly. The view is incredibly pathetic. With anguish he says that it’s time for him. Then he puts on his underpants and shirt, looking around guiltily. And he even buttons his fly with a guilty look... Poor, unfortunate creature - there is nothing more unhappy in the world. He is forced to stomp to his unloved wife in the hated “family hearth”. When he knew that I was watching from the window, I walked slowly, as if I had weights on my legs. I think the pace was picking up around the corner...

Why do guys have relationships on the side?

Any person gets tired of monotony, and the male half of humanity has never been monogamous. Causes:

Mental rejuvenation. This is especially true for people aged 45+. They are interested in younger girls, they make them feel young and reckless.
I want to get away from my wife's nagging. The spouse nags on various issues, while the mistress is ready to listen with understanding.
Aesthetic pleasure: in the evenings he is greeted by a beautifully made-up, well-groomed lady in sexy lingerie, and not slippers, a robe and curlers.
New sensations in bed. Sex with the same partner for 10-20 years often leads to decreased libido.
Revenge on the wife if she committed adultery.

Advice for a married lover

In connection with the reasons for betrayal, I want to emphasize that you will not replace his family, but only several areas of his life. Therefore, 95% of the time he will not abandon his wife. Do not spoil your and his nerves by demanding a divorce, blackmailing, contacting your wife.

Ask a question

Maria

And I feel good! And I'm telling the truth! I have a gorgeous married lover, a very stately, handsome, brutal man, a businessman. We've been with him for 6 years. He came to me, twice specifically wanted to stay, he had a fight with his wife, but I talked to him seriously and said that my wife was alone and for life. And I sent him “to the stall” with my own hands! I don't need a husband, I'm very comfortable with him. He comes like a seal whenever I want; does what I want. I am loved and happy, but if I married him, these meetings would lose their brightness! I would have to look after him, wash him, cook him, wait for him - why do I need this, I don’t have time to do this, I’m in business and I’m all about work! And so he comes clean, happy, washed and fed to my home with fruits, flowers and champagne. The evening was a success! We go on vacation, he pays for everything, he tells his wife that he is going on a business trip. Buys me gifts. At the same time, I don’t need him as a husband...

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Recommendations if a married woman falls in love with a married man

In this situation, it is necessary to understand that both partners are in an equal position. Adviсe:

Respect his personal space, then he will take care of yours too.
Set boundaries and agreements – when and where meetings are scheduled, how communication will take place.
Take care of your family and value it above all else - lovers can change, but children will always remain.
Don't get involved with your spouse's friend/colleague, this will lead to the connection being quickly revealed.
Hide your emotions in front of your husband. If he is attentive, he will notice the shine of his eyes, increased attention to appearance, and a loving smile when reading an SMS.
Make sure you have a good alibi. This could be a club you go to with a friend. A great option is going to the gym 3 times a week.
Label gifts, but don't hide them. Tell us about your mother’s birthday present or your own purchase with the bonus you received.
Correspondence and calls - only at work using a company computer/phone. No personal gadgets.
Wash away the smell of men's perfume and the aroma of aftershave lotion.

Kate

Happy? No. I was happy, I know what it looks like, I can’t deceive myself. “Happy” looks different. But this state is certainly preferable for me. As they say, “this is the worst situation, but all the others are even worse.” I am independent, I like to live alone, I don’t even want to think about living together. This completely cuts off the possibility of any union. I was there recently, and under very good conditions, and I don’t want to go back there. My lover is very good, my relationship is excellent. Thank God, he doesn’t offend his wife either...

How to get away from the family

This is a rare occurrence, but you can achieve a divorce following these recommendations:

Act quickly. An impulsive decision is made in the first months of falling in love.
Find out more about personality, habits, activities, preferences.
Become a friend, listen to complaints, give advice.
Collect information about your wife and be better than her - externally, intellectually.
Give him what he doesn't get at home.
Don’t dismiss your problems; if you want to help, he will become interested himself.
Don't focus on finances.
Any contact with the legal spouse is prohibited.

Ksenia

I can say about my sister - she is an eternal lover after a divorce. She got divorced at 25, now she’s 40, she kept jumping around and yelling at married men: I don’t need my husband, someone else’s suits me. And then she turned 40 years old, and she decided to play with the family. She became pregnant from him (he has two little children in marriage), and for some reason she assumed that he would be happy about her pregnancy and would come running to her. He, of course, showed her the middle finger, and now he doesn’t come to her at all. And she is crying, poor, unfortunate thing. At 8 months, fat, no one needs, in snot and tears, she is preparing to give birth to fatherlessness.

Is it possible to avoid betrayal?

To rule out adultery, give your spouse:

a varied sex life - don’t be afraid to experiment in bed;
a stable life with its own foundations;
aesthetic pleasure - visit the beauty salon and gym more often, do not forget to put on makeup before dinner together;
do not give reasonable reasons for jealousy.

With such a life partner, a faithful person will not want to turn to the left.

Danger No. 7. The desire for motherhood

Sooner or later, a woman thinks about children and motherhood. Procreation is its main function. But it is unlikely that a married man will become a normal dad for her child. He can help financially, but, you see, the child needs a father nearby - both physically and emotionally. Therefore, both the child and the woman will receive less energy, attention, and care from him.

And against the background of this, a child with such parents will initially be in need; by default, he will come from not only an inferior family, but also from an inferior environment. He and his mother will miss the presence, the faith, the support.

I also wrote about what absolutely cannot be tolerated in a relationship?

Summary

A man takes a mistress because:

he misses sex and vivid erotic experiences with his wife;
the relationship and marriage have cooled down emotionally;
he tries to catch youth by the tail;
he proves his status to his friends;
he does not have very high moral values;
his wife does not understand what her husband really needs.

Ask yourself questions:

What prompted me to enter into a relationship as a mistress?
What do I give and what do I gain by being in a relationship with a married man?
Will I be comfortable continuing a relationship where I am the lover in the background? Or do I want more: family, home, children?

To end a relationship with a married man:

If you have the courage, say directly that you are tired of this life and want more. Or end the relationship with a short word: “Sorry!”;
give yourself a few days of loneliness and sadness to move to a new stage;
love yourself: you deserve more than scheduled meetings and flowers as an apology;
remove things that remind you of him from your home and phone;
get angry! And use this energy to start a new phase;
do not rush into a new romantic adventure;
remember, any separation is painful. Don’t demand happiness and joy from yourself the very next day. Would you agree to a relationship with a married man?

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Danger No. 9. Law of Equilibrium

Point 9 can be described in one word - karma. You may not believe in it, but it is the same as the law of equilibrium in space. A woman who takes someone else's property will have to pay for it. And often - with your personal happiness. At the moment when she is with a married man, she does not build her strong relationship, being on equal terms with a free man. While her heart is busy, she lives in the illusion that someday he will be with her. And according to the boomerang law, what you broadcast to the world is what you receive.

This realization may not come immediately. A woman can even leave/exit the love triangle and start building a relationship with a new man. But some time will pass, and her new partner may also have a mistress. And then this woman will begin to experience the feelings that the wife of her former lover experienced.

Dear ones, remember: every woman deserves to be a queen, but it depends only on her. How to avoid getting into such a situation, how to understand what mistakes you are making and how to increase your self-esteem, you can learn in our free online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation.” On it you will learn to understand the psychology of men, you will see the mistakes that you made in relationships, you will be able to look at yourself from the outside and remember a little that you are still a queen, not only externally, but also internally.

I hope the article was useful to you. Share your opinion in the comments. Sincerely, your Alla Pilipyuk!