Psychology of relationships between a married man and his mistress

You won't surprise anyone with cheating anymore. Some even believe that all men and women cheat, and there are no more honest ones left. This is not true, but there is still a grain of truth in it. Infidelity has become commonplace. The most common connection is between a married man and a single woman: the psychology of the relationship of such a couple is extremely simple. They depend on each other, they need just such a painful romance. Although they don’t want to admit it to themselves.

Reasons for external connections

The main reasons for the appearance of a “third wheel” is a person’s desire to compensate for the lack of any components in a marriage:

Mediocre sex. Physical intimacy becomes monotonous over time, turning into marital duty.
Lack of romance. Everyday routine consumes partners, causing a feeling of fading of the tender feelings that were inherent in the beginning of the relationship.
Lack of communication. Spouses minimize or reduce communication to discussing exclusively everyday issues.

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A person selects conditions in which he will be comfortable. In a relationship with a mistress, one is attracted by the possibility of obtaining the missing elements necessary to create an internal, cozy atmosphere of stability.

An understanding, caring woman who is always open to sexual relationships wins against the background of a cold wife who is mired in family concerns. Being comfortable and attractive are the main advantages on which her relationship with her lover is built.

Psychology of the connection between a married man and his mistress

In order for a lasting connection to occur, the relationship between lovers must be more than just a fleeting manifestation of passion. They are based on certain mutually beneficial conditions.

From the woman's side

Mercantile interest comes down not only to obtaining material benefits, but also to moral satisfaction from the awareness of some superiority over a rival. As a rule, such women are driven by the desire to increase their self-esteem.

The practical side of such relationships is characterized by the fact that caring for a man is not limited to the daily routine: cooking, washing, ironing. The beloved is already well-groomed and well-fed.

It is beneficial and convenient for a married woman to have a married lover who also hides the relationship, keeping it secret.

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It often happens that a girl has no idea about a man’s marital status. However, when this fact is revealed, she becomes a hostage to the situation. In this case, the woman feels dissatisfaction with her position and a natural reluctance to share her lover with her wife.

From the man's side

Psychology considers the emergence of a relationship between a man and his mistress primarily as a way to escape from everyday problems and difficulties in relationships with his wife. Instead of establishing contact with his wife, a man will prefer to avoid the troubles associated with this in a simpler way.

An affair on the side can be explained by a desire to break up the routine and monotony of marriage. Even without looking at the fact that everything is going well in family relationships, a man strives to get more vivid impressions and emotions.

Where does he go?2

If you ask women from 20 to 70 what qualities they value in men and what kind of prince they would like to see next to them, then each will note the classic qualities:

rich;
not stupid;
“handy”, that is, he knows how to do everything around the house;
a good father to children;
generous;
caring.

The idea of an ideal prince does not change; he is a brave fellow with whom he can go to the mountains or to the ends of the world. Absolute harmony occurs when partners share all responsibilities among themselves, try to alleviate the lot of the other, and do not dump their share on the spouse. At some point, everything shifts, the wife becomes the head of the family, giving instructions, dumping everyday life on her husband, leaving only pleasant and easy things for herself.

She is tired, she feels bad, she has no strength, her head always hurts. The second option is that women are simply spoiled by a man and let loose, confident that he will not go anywhere. Everyday life drags along like a quagmire, and in this quagmire, a strong and independent man’s nerves begin to fail. A star appears, light in the window, joy and lightness in the form of a mistress.

How do men treat their mistresses? Like a holiday, a small cozy bright holiday, where he is not rude or rude, he is happy, greeted with a smile, and seen off with sincere sadness. Wives partly guess about the state of affairs, but it is not always possible to awaken in themselves lightness, liveliness, and the desire to be a star for him.

He runs away to where it is better. There they wait and hope that he will come. But here they know what’s coming. And the difference in feelings about one’s own importance fuels interest in relationships. No one knows how long everything will last, but as long as the attitude of the new passion does not change, the man will hold on to the breath of fresh air in the face of his mistress with his hands and feet.

Peculiarities of behavior of a married partner

Relationships that involve a lack of commitment between married lovers become the key to a long-lasting relationship. However, the emergence of claims from one side or another begins to spoil them. As a rule, a woman who initially agreed to play a supporting role sooner or later begins to want to take the place of her legal spouse. Rare and short-term dates are no longer possible, which often leads to demands to end the relationship with his wife.

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Since a man needs to escape from his problems, he seeks what he is deprived of in marriage: satisfaction of his needs, tenderness, care and attention. Most often, relationships with a married lover are at the level of promises and cannot be further developed. He has already constructed a model of his life in which the state of things suits him. He does not intend to make any adjustments or fundamental changes to the already formed comfortable conditions.

Relationship with a married man: doomed or there is a chance

Having agreed to the role of a married man’s mistress, a woman wages a daily internal struggle and experiences conflicting experiences. You can, of course, raise your self-esteem and console yourself with the fact that the chosen one prefers communication with her to a quiet family way of life, but after each short-term meeting he hurries home. After his departure, the feeling of superiority fades, and the sense of the value of one’s personality begins to arise in doubt.

When thinking about the future, you need to answer yourself:

Is a self-sufficient woman who has not lost her self-respect ready to be part of someone else’s relationship, wasting her life in vain? Do you agree to fight or prefer to be content with the moment?
Is it possible to experience happiness in the future, to calmly perceive the life of a man with two families?
Was the choice conscious? How likely is it that the relationship is just a convenient one, without any responsibility?

At first, an affair brings only positive emotions, vivid impressions and a feeling of kinship with your partner. However, as it develops, dependence on the person may arise. This situation causes abandonment of oneself, complete immersion and focus on the interests of the partner.

READ How to survive a breakup with your lover: advice from a psychologist

As you become attached to it, the following begin to appear:

Decreased self-esteem. Acceptance and perception of yourself as a backup option.
Intense jealousy. Not only to his wife, but also to the thought of another potential rival.
The emergence of conflict situations due to the need to return to the spouse after a date.
Persistent desire to prove his superiority over his wife.
Loss of interest in one’s life, social circle, interests, work, which leads to internal destruction of the individual.

If a secret relationship lasts for years with your tacit consent, then the chances that your lover will leave the family are practically non-existent. The psychology of a married man is based on stability, and sudden changes contradict it.

For a woman, the decision to take someone else’s husband away from the family should be a balanced and conscious step. At the same time, she must be ready to compete with another woman, to waste effort on destroying the family.

It is important to honestly answer yourself whether it will be easy for her to live with suspicions and fears that the man may find another passion later. Is her intention morally and ethically correct?

How to properly break off a relationship?

A break with a lover often brings a lot of emotional distress to a woman. The consequences of ending a relationship can be dangerous for the state of the nervous system and lead to breakdowns, serious depression, and disorders. After the husband returns to his wife, the abandoned lover begins to think that she has been abandoned or betrayed, and even thoughts of suicide appear. There are often cases when a breakup ends in suicide attempts, deaths, and serious mental disorders.

To prevent the separation process from causing serious pain, psychology suggests using simple recommendations:

make new acquaintances, even try to start an easy love affair (it is better not to repeat a bad experience - it is recommended to enter into a new relationship with a man unmarried);
go on a trip or on a long vacation (it is advisable to go far from your usual places - a change in the previous way of life will have a positive effect on the state of the psyche, new impressions from the trip will significantly muffle mental torment);
do not delay the breakup - it is better to separate abruptly, without long separations (be sure to delete all contacts from the phone), it is recommended to avoid even short, fleeting meetings that only bring unpleasant discomfort;
think carefully about the separation - determine all the advantages of ending the extramarital affair, outline new plans.

It is also important not to hate your lover's spouse. Meetings and showdowns with your legal wife will end in tears, and the reason for revenge will lead to problems with the law.

If both lovers are married

An outside relationship involving a married lover and a married mistress is characterized by a connection that does not complicate life.

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This state of affairs is beneficial for many reasons:

Both partners meet solely for sex. They realize and understand this, which eliminates the need to invent any excuses or justifications.
There is no need for courtship or long conversations, as this takes a lot of time.
The atmosphere in such couples is calmer, as there are no misunderstandings or quarrels.
Partners have no desire to destroy each other's legal family, while a lover free from marital ties may demand a more serious relationship. Marital status eliminates such difficulties.
In such relationships, partners will do everything possible so that no one suspects their connection.
It is easy to end such a relationship. In this case, there will be no scandals, tears or complaints.

But when both lovers are not free from marital ties, such an amorous conflict can lead to a far from peaceful ending. If one of them decides to move to a new level of relationship, it could end in the destruction of both families. In this case, there will be more affected parties.

Why do such relationships end?

A secret life cannot be maintained for years, although there are exceptions. Often, lovers' relationships end. And there are good reasons for this:

One of the partners eventually begins to demand more than just sex and secret meetings.
Expectations and reproaches arise. This behavior is more typical of women who forget that they are dating lovers and begin to behave as if they are official women.
Feeling tired or frustrated. If a person becomes satisfied with a relationship, then he will be ready to break it off.
The appearance of a new mistress or lover. If someone gets a brighter and more interesting partner for a love affair, then their relationship will collapse.
If one of the partners begins to create problems and burden you with some unnecessary things.
If the partner is not interesting in himself, except for sex.

When a lover is an outlet

The psychology of relationships between long-time lovers over time moves into a state where the initial passions subside, and the man is drawn to the woman out of habit. She created a special cozy atmosphere for her lover, so he feels more comfortable on the side than in the family:

she is undemanding;
I am sincerely glad to see him;
ready to listen and support in any situation;
does not make claims and does not provoke conflicts.

Such an idyll can last for years, but on condition that the girl is silent and patient. As a result, a relationship with a lover becomes like visiting a psychotherapist who helps relieve tension, talk it out, and restore peace of mind. In the current circumstances, the husband does not consider any future prospects with this woman; he does not want to change anything, since he knows firsthand what family life is.

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What does a man expect from his mistress, why does he need her?

If you look at divorce statistics, in many cases men blame their ex-wives for not living up to their expectations. What are these expectations and why is a man so confident that a woman can give it to him? A man wants to see a well-groomed, cheerful and gentle young lady nearby who will not burden him with her problems. She should always be in touch with him and never refuse sex. Some believe that a mistress should also not be a fool in order to have something to talk about, but these are already rare requests from individual aesthetes.

In fact, in a marriage after the birth of a child, it is very difficult for a woman to meet such requirements. She is tired, sick, perhaps also working, but she needs to serve her husband and create comfort in the house. Not all men want to help with the baby and housework. So it turns out that a sad and tired wife can no longer satisfy her husband in any way. Hence the betrayal.

Male psychology is such that the stronger sex does not like to spend a long time understanding the reasons; he simply does what he likes and avoids conflicts. This is how the main reason for the appearance of a mistress arises - dissatisfaction in the family.

Routine relationships prevent a man from relaxing after work and enjoying family life. Moreover, the wife is tired and angry - what kind of romance is there? Therefore, it is easier for a man to find a girl on the side and have a good time than to help his wife solve family problems.

Often in a family, after several years of living together, spouses feel cold towards each other. If a man is a temperamental lover by nature and really loves female attention and affection, but does not receive it from his wife, then he will definitely find a woman who will provide all this to him in the best possible way.

you may also be interested in: Why do men cheat?

A mistress can also be a friend with whom it is pleasant to discuss some issues related to work or common interest, while the spouse is far from these topics. Such a connection can last for years, because when people feel good together, they have no need to be separated.

When the choice is between family and kept woman

When a wife finds out about her husband’s infidelity, he is left with a choice: go to his mistress or save the family.

According to statistics, most often a man prefers to stay married because:

You have your own furnished housing, your everyday life has been established, and there is no desire to lose it and build it all over again.
They have common children. Despite a problematic relationship with his wife, a man will not abandon his children if he is a caring and loving father.
The influence of relatives is felt, who instill and paint unseemly prospects for change.

The psychology of a married man in relation to his mistress is such that targeted demands, instructions, provocations of conflict situations, as well as constant reminders of promises to divorce will not lead to the desired effect.

This will lead the man to the idea that a relationship with his mistress is not only not very different from his situation with his legal wife, but will also bring him even more problems in the future.

Who are you, homewrecker?

Wives always imagine a woman from the cover of magazines in lace lingerie, stiletto heels and stockings, with long hair and sharp claws, greedily looking at a simple worker from a factory. Reality breaks all stereotypes. Often this is an ordinary woman with a neat hairstyle, an ordinary figure and sad eyes without sparkle. Why sad? Yes, because there is no happiness. There is no one who will warm you for at least an hour, there is no man in the house and not even a hint of his presence.

Of course, there is always the described category with greedy eyes, but they are one step higher and do not look at a simple guy and family man with 20 years of experience. The moral side of a relationship with a married man should be lowered immediately and not brought up, arguing “how could she do this insidiously.”

There is a connection, it happened, and you need to figure out how the perpetrators of the love triangle themselves treat their mistresses and who has a better chance of continuing the relationship. The mistress herself may be even more unhappy than the wife who finds out about the betrayal. She has no happiness in her life, only work and maybe children, but sometimes there are none, just a cat. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, He appears.

The one she dreamed about at night, or someone simpler, willing to have sex and a relationship, no, that’s what’s important if there’s no one. He comes to her, caresses and hugs her, spends time in bed, discusses exciting topics and goes back. Often he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t promise anything, is silent and looks guilty, because he’s leaving for the legitimate one. The beautiful story of “living happily ever after” falls apart every time the door slams and loneliness reigns in the room again.

How can a mistress become a wife?

By acting gently and carefully, you can influence a man, showing him the advantages of a future life together, in which there will be no new problems. You need to build a line of behavior in such a way that he himself wants to stay.

Dramatic changes in life are scary. Before you decide to transfer the relationship from the status of lovers to the status of a married couple, to build a strong, long-term relationship with a married man, you need to act slowly.

First of all, you need to show respect for his decisions, give him the opportunity to choose, allow him to do as he considers necessary. Pressure or imposing your opinion is a waste of time.

In addition, you should not:

burden with your problems;
criticize, ridicule or speak negatively about his spouse, thereby disrespecting his choice;
start quarrels, showing your jealousy;
insist on dating when it is really impossible;
show impatience, exert pressure or attempt to manipulate through whims or unreasonable insults;
intrude, look for random encounters.

How pregnancy will affect

A woman on the side is attractive because it is easy to get distracted with her, she does not create difficulties. The relationship between lovers is characterized by a pleasant pastime, but a pregnant woman is a delicate situation for a married man. A complexity arises due to which the main meaning of an extramarital affair is lost.

One should not assume that this child will be of more importance to a man than existing children. There is no need to hope that in this way you can apply pressure and begin to manipulate his feelings.

Experiencing ease of communication, as well as a feeling of gratitude towards an understanding, patient and attentive lover, a man will make a conscious choice that he will not regret later.

I fell in love with someone else's husband, what should I do?

If a woman is not ready to part with her ringed gentleman, she will have to learn several rules of secret relationships.

The main thing is to come to terms with the fact that she will be in last place after his family, friends, work and hobbies.
She shouldn't call or text him after hours. He will get in touch himself when it is convenient for him.
She will have to internalize with her whole being that he does have sex with his wife. That she most likely is not sick, not ugly, not mercantile to the point of disgust, and does not have a crocodile character. It’s impossible to even imagine this type of woman, let alone share shelter with her and raise common children.
It is important to remember that with such a connection, lovers do not go on vacation together, so as not to meet his friends. And she will have to celebrate the holidays - not only the New Year, but also her birthday - alone or with friends.
It is necessary to be aware that a man can have many mistresses, and not to be deluded by his position as a desired woman, since a lover can easily find a new passion.
She should always look great, hide her robe and tracksuit away. Don’t get hung up on your lover and don’t be afraid of losing him. One of the best time-tested medicines is self-development. The successes achieved in this field inspire and distract from worries.

And in general, sometimes it’s useful to look at yourself from the outside. One way or another, any experience develops and enriches – even this one. Perhaps, in a relationship between a married man and a single woman, the psychology and solution to the problems of this relationship will be found after some time and will be non-trivial.

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