A difficult person has a personality trait that complicates the process of constructive communication. Such a person cannot be called evil; in most cases, he does not deliberately act to your detriment and does not pursue clearly negative goals. To better understand what we're talking about, imagine a disabled person holding up traffic on a busy stretch of sidewalk. On the one hand, this irritates other passersby, on the other hand, a disabled person would be glad not to create traffic jams, but physical limitations dictate conditions for him. A person with conflict is not disabled, but he is also limited by a subjective view of the situation, that is, he is mistakenly confident that he is right. Building communication with a difficult, conflict-ridden person is not easy, but it is quite possible.
Responding to aggression with aggression is the easiest way. But it is completely unsuitable for establishing contact, since aggression will lead either to a direct clash or to a complete severance of relations.
Ignoring the conflictant is not a solution suitable for everyone. Often people are forced by duty to intersect and work with every visitor, even if he makes a scandal and shakes his license. For others, profit, or even the future of the business, may depend on a deal with a conflicting person. If you do not have the right to ignore an unpleasant interlocutor, do not despair; talking confidently with difficult people is not difficult, provided you have the right preparation. The preparation process must include:
- Development of a complete strategy for business negotiations. If the negotiations are unplanned, then develop a template model of behavior in the event of aggression on the part of the interlocutor.
- Psychological training aimed at maintaining calm in any conditions. Your task is to learn to switch attention, relax the body, control emotions and master a set of techniques for quickly getting out of a dangerous situation.
Keep calm
The behavior of the aggressor is always provocative and aimed at throwing you off balance. When this succeeds, the process of uncontrollable escalation of the quarrel begins, since two unbalanced individuals are already involved in it. There is no hope for any constructive resolution to the dialogue in such conditions. What gives you peace of mind?
- Immunity to provocations. People call this “like peas hitting a wall”: the opponent pours negativity and does not receive any return, in the end he simply gets bored, runs out of energy, or a more promising object of attention appears.
- The ability to reason soberly. In a “hot” situation, when your opponent loses the ability to foresee the consequences of his actions, you retain it and gain an advantage.
Try to wait out the first emotional storm. For most people, strong emotions subside very quickly. In addition, when you respond to shouts and attacks calmly, correctly and to the point, it produces an unexpected effect. From the contrast, the interlocutor may suddenly come to his senses and even apologize for his behavior.
Don't argue or object
Objections are always met with hostility, even if they are fair and justified. It makes sense for a person who is open to discussion and is able to admit that he is wrong to object. If the interlocutor is hostile, divert the conversation from the direction of “who is right” to the direction of “what can be done”, offer accessible solutions to the problem that can be applied in life. Attacks and accusations will have to be ignored; discussing them would be a big mistake.
Never make excuses, it will do nothing, it will only prolong the conversation. Your goal is to quickly end the conflict, which means you need to achieve mutual understanding.
Change what you can
What we like, sometimes we don’t like at all, and vice versa. This, in turn, causes friction, struggles for dominance, and bad mood. And if feelings get in the way, the work becomes harder. All logic goes to hell, you lose focus and fight over something that isn't worth it. In such cases, it is better to take a step back and change the direction of the conversation, instead of giving in to emotions.
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Act confident
The aggressor should not show fear, confusion and confusion, because he will perceive them as signs of his superiority. Please note that in a conflict situation, a person is betrayed by nonverbal behavior, no matter what he tries to portray outwardly. Therefore, self-confidence must be either real or very well established. We recommend enrolling in psychological courses to develop self-confidence if you are not sure that you can handle it. Another option is training in acting or the psychology of influencing people. This is an opportunity to understand the general principles of dealing with difficult people and learn to take on any role, regardless of the situation that may come your way, including the role of a self-confident person.
Tools of nonverbal behavior:
- gestures;
- facial expressions;
- posture and posture;
- rate of speech;
- breathing rhythm;
- sight.
Distance yourself
Happiness is contagious, and unfortunately, so is unhappiness. Therefore: get rid of everything that hurts you now. If you yourself are upset, unhappy, nervous or stressed, do not burden yourself with additional negative emotions. You better think about who or what is right for you right now. It could be little things like a cup of tea or a refreshing nap. A bad mood is aggravated by the negative radiation of another. Common grief is not half, but double grief! In professional jargon, this is called “negative escalation.”
Respect your interlocutor
No matter how difficult it may be to communicate with difficult people, remember that your opponent always has the right to both error and your understanding. In most people, a respectful attitude awakens a response even in moments when the blood rushes intensely to the head. This means that you can end a conflict with just one tone of voice. Not sure how to maintain a respectful attitude until the end? Treat your opponent like someone who has had a seizure on the street. You don’t feel negative towards people when they feel bad, right? Aggression is also an attack akin to a disease.
Psychologist Sergei Klyuchnikov
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Intersecting with conflicting people is another group, the so-called “difficult people,” whom each of us has encountered in our lives.
This term was coined by the American psychologist R. M. Bremson, who called his book: “Dealing with Difficult People.”
Based on this work, we can identify several types of difficult people, people with whom communication can easily turn into conflict, aggression, cause negative emotions and give rise to problems.
Among them there are two large categories:
I. Active conflictants:
— Aggressiveists, divided into categories such as “steam rollers” or “Sherman tanks” (rude, unceremonious people acting with pressure and rage); “ snipers ” (people who like to say barbs, use irony, mock, weave intrigues or machinations).
“Explosers” (people prone to outbursts of aggression not out of malice, but due to the characteristics of an explosive, quickly excitable temperament and unstable mood).
- Know-it-alls, a type of difficult person who is convinced of his superiority over others and manifests himself either as “bulldozers”, pushing aside everyone who comes in their way, or as inflated “bubbles”, filled with the consciousness of his hyper-awareness and “sense of self-importance.”
- Maximalists, difficult people who insist on their own to the end and demand that others satisfy their own desires and make concessions, even when this is not necessary.
- Secretive, keeping all negative feelings to themselves, but at the most unexpected moment releasing them on you in an aggressive form.
II. Passive conflictants:
- Complainers who prefer to blame fate and complain about circumstances instead of acting, as a result of communicating with such difficult people, there is always a residue of their own guilt for all the misfortunes that have befallen this poor person;
- Silent people, from whom you can’t squeeze a word, and who love to piss off other people with their silence, who remain at a loss as to why they are silent;
- Overly flexible, always saying “yes” and promising support: but, nevertheless, at the decisive moment, prone to evading promises;
- Eternal pessimists, always anticipating failures and loving to talk about it out loud, as if programming a similar turn of events in other people (they experience great discomfort and anxiety when they talk about something in an affirmative form);
-Indecisive (“stoppers”), afraid to make any decision for fear of making a mistake and therefore postponing it until the very last moment;
- Innocent liars, entangling their every action with such a powerful system of lies that it is impossible to understand the essence of the matter;
— The last type of difficult people are false altruists, who on an external level do good to you or another person, but in their hearts regret it and periodically express their dissatisfaction, demanding compensation for their altruism.
To protect yourself from “difficult people,” psychologists first of all recommend overcoming a wide variety of negative feelings that arise when communicating with them, which is understandable: after all, any difficult person carries a strong negative charge that is easily transmitted to us.
If you feel that you are dealing with a difficult person, you must immediately take control of your emotions and gather yourself internally and mobilize.
Then think: do you need this contact and headache or not?
If you need it, but not so much as to experience big problems because of this communication, then maybe it makes sense to avoid contacts in time?
But if you need it, then, while maintaining balance, try to find the key to each of the types. Get into a similar key state with whomever you are dealing with.
Dealing with Difficult People:
When dealing with difficult people, such as active conflictants, you need to be a strong, calm and confident person, show reasonable restraint at the initial stage and then fight if necessary.
With passive conflictors, the key on your part is patience and flexibility to bring them out of their conflict shell.
It is useful to ask yourself the question: what is the reason for this person’s “difficulty”, why did he become like this? If you are able to eliminate this cause, be sure to do so.
Also try to understand whether he is always difficult or only when communicating with you? But then, maybe there is some fault or mistake on your part that needs to be understood and eliminated.
Then you need to choose the right strategy for dealing with the difficult person and implement it consistently.
If you want success, do not give in to the energy of "difficulty" and "heaviness" emitted by this person. On the contrary, try to charge him with a “lighter” energy, exactly the opposite of the main quality of the difficult person, given his variety.
Oppose the aggressor with the calmness of force, behind which your ability, in case of emergency, should be discerned to issue much more powerful aggression, skillfully held by you for now, or to “cut it off” with murderous humor.
You can contrast a know-it-all with irony or a demonstration of even greater knowledge on your part, expressed with an emphatically modest intonation, against the background of which his self-confidence looks comical.
For the maximalist, demonstrate restraint and patience, against the background of which his inflated demands will not look serious.
Show the secretive and unexpectedly explosive person that you are completely open and do not seek to intrigue or manipulate.
Encourage the complainer and joke a little about his habit of taking everything in gloomy tones, blaming others.
Try to get the silent person to talk by finding mutually interesting topics.
Try to catch an overly flexible person in the unreality and lack of sincerity of his promises and get from him not a mechanical, but a completely responsible attitude towards his words, forcing him to fix his attention and consciously repeat several times what he actually promises you.
The poison produced by a pessimist can be neutralized by the medicine of optimism, which you must radiate in communication with him.
Just try to respect the reasons that gave rise to his pessimism: otherwise, you can very easily offend his vulnerable personality.
With an indecisive person, it is also useful to use tactics of encouragement and tuning to strengthen the will - such a person needs to be specially trained.
Innocent liars need to be exposed, doing it gracefully and subtly and involving other people in this process.
A false altruist must be able to show the unselfish shade of his internal psychological accounting and give him several striking moral arguments.
American psychologist D. G. Scott, in his book “Methods of Conflict Resolution,” identified several of the most effective methods of communicating with “difficult people”:
1. Realize that a person is difficult to communicate with and determine what type of person he is. 2. Do not fall under the influence of this person, his point of view, his attitude: remain calm and neutral. 3. If you do not want to avoid communicating with such a person, try to talk with him and identify the reasons for his “difficulty”.
Try to find a way to satisfy his hidden interests and needs.
Use a collaborative approach to resolving conflicts that begin to emerge after the difficult person's behavior has been categorized, neutralized, and brought under control."
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Add positivity
According to the basics of psychology, it is seriously recommended to compliment difficult interlocutors. The main thing is that it does not look like ingratiation. Anyone can appreciate direct and honest friendliness, but no one likes sycophants. In addition, ingratiation can be perceived as a sign of weakness, and even then the opponent will definitely begin to finish you off. To avoid this, follow these rules for dealing with difficult people:
- Maintain dignity in everything.
- Smile openly, but not ingratiatingly.
- Don't try to calm your interlocutor, just talk to him in a positive way.
- Tell the truth. If you give a compliment, it should at least be similar to the truth.
How to Deal with Difficult People
Difficult people have negative effects on us because their negative emotions are transferred to us. If contact with a difficult person cannot be avoided or we do not want to break off relations with him forever, we can try to neutralize him.
American psychologist D. Scott in his book “Methods of Conflict Resolution” suggests:
- determine what type “our” difficult person is;
- remain calm and neutral so as not to be influenced by the negative emotions emitted by him;
- Depending on the type of conflict person, choose a “key” for him.
Don't make important decisions until the incident is over
If a conflict arises with a client or business partner, under no circumstances allow decisions to be made until it can be resolved. Take time, postpone key meetings, use self-regulation methods after communicating with a difficult person. Time dulls emotions and provides an opportunity to rehabilitate.
If it is impossible to stall for time, rely on an apology. Any person, even the most conflicted, can get into your position, because mistakes happen to him too. It is important that you do not try to make excuses, get away with it, or find others to blame, but openly and honestly admit the problem and offer something as compensation. Any trifle can be compensation; the gesture itself is important here: you missed something, you added something - now everything is fair.
In the case of the most stubborn opponents, you will have to not only apply generally accepted communication tactics, but also use your personal charm. However, in the end, if you really try, the deal is more likely to go through than get cancelled.
Communication is a process that we encounter every day that helps us not only survive but also lead a luxurious life. And the acting studio helps develop communication skills to ease the difficult career path to the top. Sign up for a trial lesson
Chapter 1. Choosing an interlocutor
To live your life wisely, you need to know a lot. Remember two important rules to begin with: You’d better starve than eat anything, And it’s better to be alone than with just anyone.
Omar Khayyam
People differ from each other not only in their innate individual traits, but also in their developmental characteristics associated with the course of their lives. A person’s behavior depends on what family he grew up in, how and who raised him, what school he attended, what his profession is and what his environment is like.
People are different, regardless of the reason for the differences. Just as the appearance of one person is different from the appearance of another, so the psyche of everyone is different from the psyche of others. However, some similar traits by which a person can be classified into a certain category of similar individuals can be tracked if desired.
It is useful to know the typology of people in any circumstances. This is especially important in crises and critical times, when a lot depends on such knowledge. For high-quality and constructive communication, understanding the characteristics of the interlocutor’s character is one of the necessary conditions. What personalities surround us? Communicating with whom gives the greatest burden? Let's look at typical categories of “difficult” personalities.
To begin with, a short excursion into the history of the issue: how to sort people “into categories” and single out labor-intensive comrades among those classified?
