Constructive communication: concept, basic rules and features. Communication with people

Communication with people occupies an important place in our lives. Without it, love and family relationships, friendships, work, and business would not be possible. As a rule, people who master the skill of constructive communication achieve great success in their personal and professional lives. But how can you learn to communicate constructively? What does the concept of “constructive conversation” even mean? You can find answers to these and other questions in our article.

What it is?

Constructive communication is the ability to convey your thoughts to your interlocutor objectively, without any value judgments, with respect for someone else’s point of view. Simply put, this is the ability to speak, listen, and most importantly, hear your opponent. At the same time, it is important to manage your emotions without showing a violent reaction to what your interlocutor said.

If you feel tension in communicating with others and find yourself in conflict situations almost every day, then you need to be more attentive to such a category as communication culture. Get ready for the fact that you will have to reconsider a number of moral and ethical values, as well as acquire some useful skills.

Table 2. Transition from “You statements” to “I statements”

What prevents constructive communication?

Constructive communication is not as difficult as it may seem. However, without noticing it, people can create barriers to meaningful dialogue. Key negative factors in communication can be described as follows:

• A value judgment about a situation or person. You can never be completely sure that the other person completely shares your views. That is why it is important to speak with facts, without giving arguments for or against.
• Words denoting obligation. By telling a person “you should...”, you are setting him up against you in advance. Nobody likes to be subjugated. Talk to the person so that he himself wants to fulfill your wish.
• Intrusive questions. If a person does not want to disclose some information to you, you should not interrogate him. This will not lead to success, but it can cause a serious conflict.
• Diagnosis of behavioral motives. Don't try to convince a person that he is acting a certain way for any specific reason. “You are afraid”, “you are jealous” and other phrases, even if they are true, can offend the interlocutor and cause an attack of aggression in him.
• Denial of the problem. Even if the situation seems trivial to you, it can be of decisive importance to your interlocutor. Have respect for other people's experiences.
• Move to another topic. Even if you are terribly uninterested in what the interlocutor is talking about, you should not change the vector of the conversation. This is tactless and offensive.
• Competitive moment. Often, when listening about someone's successes and achievements, people try to outdo their interlocutor, demonstrating their superiority. This does not characterize a person in the best way.
• Commanding tone. “Do”, “bring”, “say” and other words in an incentive mood turn the interlocutor against you and heat up the situation. Everything you want to achieve from your opponent must be in the form of a request.

Typical mistakes of negotiators

• Irrational escalation

Escalation is common in auctions, strikes, trade campaigns, price wars, and competitive acquisitions. During the negotiation process, the party/parties bargain in an effort to achieve success, but irrationally do not take into account the possible reaction of the other party/parties.

• Anchoring

The initial position of the parties at the beginning of negotiations acts as an anchor that will slow down negotiations when circumstances change and prevent the achievement of an agreement.

• Referential behavior

The form of the proposal often determines the parties' willingness to reach an agreement.

• Use predominantly readily available information

Many people are more inclined to rely on available data than on what is actually needed to make a decision. A thorough search for relevant information and data analysis is required.

• Overconfidence

Excessive confidence in the success of a position favorable to you. Overestimation of the likelihood of dominance, arrogance, and underestimation of the role of the other party lead to a loss of flexibility, which prevents the achievement of the desired agreement. Often, excessive confidence forms an exclusively approach from the position of “bargaining is not appropriate here,” which directs the negotiation process towards a dead end.

• Cognitive distortions

A large set of systematic thinking errors that in one way or another affect the thinking and behavior of negotiators.

What else prevents constructive communication?

Communication with people is not always constructive. The following factors can become obstacles to a productive dialogue:

• Discussion of the past. Even if the problem was relevant no earlier than yesterday, there is no point in returning to it. Events that have occurred cannot be changed, but they often become the cause of conflicts. It is possible to turn to the past only if the existing experience will help in solving current problems.
• Wrong choice of interlocutor. Sometimes a person begins to discuss a problematic issue with someone who in no way can contribute to its solution. The powerlessness of the interlocutor in this matter can be perceived aggressively, and therefore a conflict on this basis is inevitable.
• Trying to change others. If you have a specific problem, then you should focus on fixing it, and not on trying to change your interlocutor.

Barriers to communication

Why doesn’t constructive communication always work out? Psychology explains this by the existence of barriers, among which it is especially worth highlighting:

• Avoidance barrier - avoidance of contacts due to the fact that the interlocutor may have a negative impact. This feeling can be based both on personal hostility and on objective factors.
• The barrier of authority is associated with the fact that some people have unconditional trust due to their social status or personal characteristics. All others are deprived of such favor.
• A phonetic barrier is a banal failure to perceive the interlocutor’s speech. This may be related to speaking speed, volume, speech impediments, or voice timbre.
• The semantic barrier is related to the vocabulary that the speaker uses in his monologue. Even if a person is talking about a serious issue, using slang terms or slang expressions can turn off the listener.
• The barrier of shame and guilt arises from self-doubt. A person is embarrassed to express his thoughts, which is why it is simply impossible to build a constructive dialogue with him.

How to relieve emotional stress during a conversation?

Constructive communication requires a cool mind, and excessive emotionality will be inappropriate. This leads to loss of control over the situation and serious conflicts. To relieve tension, you can use the following techniques:

• Do not build a defense or use offensive tactics. If you understand that you are being unfairly accused, do not criticize your opponent in response, because this is a demonstration of a low level of culture. It’s also not worth defending yourself and making excuses, because this is a sign of weakness. The most reasonable solution is to calmly and thoroughly explain your point of view.
• Identify the source of negative emotions and try to eliminate it. It is quite possible that the aggression is not directed specifically at you, but is associated with some external stimuli. Try to solve them and calm your opponent.
• Demonstrate openness and willingness to understand your interlocutor. Even if the person is aggressive and angry, you must demonstrate your ability to listen. By allowing your opponent to speak out, you can count on further communication in more even and calm tones.

Technique 1. Emotional-informational management of the situation

Using the technology of managing and filtering information received from other people, you can not unwind emotions, but transfer them to a rational level. Most often, potential conflict increases where information is distorted during transmission along the “chain”. It is necessary to immediately cut off barriers to possible distortion or determine where bias and partiality in assessing the situation are possible.

If you neglect the norm of information management, you may encounter a “self-winding” effect. In this state, a person independently draws conclusions from his own words, gradually increasing their emotional intensity. Therefore, you should keep in mind the need to obtain answers to questions and, in a situation of pre-conflict or conflict communication, act according to the following algorithm.

It is necessary to cope with the emotional background of the situation. You can try to control the behavior of your interlocutor through sentences: “let’s sit down and talk,” “drink water and calm down,” “first calm down, then we’ll talk.” In this situation, a distraction from the situation can be effective: “wait, I need to make one call,” “how much time do you need to present the problem?”, “are you comfortable if we invite colleague N. to the conversation?”

Do not allow conflicting information to distract from your main activity, that is, determine the rating of the significance of the situation for you.

Get your questions answered! It is necessary to find out what happened (only facts without emotions are important) and who are the witnesses to the events. It is important to talk to the “first information person” and not to intermediaries who may misrepresent the information.

Based on the information received, determine what the consequences of the development of the situation are and whether it makes sense to get involved in it.

Understand the motivation for the parties’ actions and make a preliminary forecast of the consequences.

Give a way out of the negative energy with which the situation is “charged” from your own consciousness. According to the famous psychiatrist K.M. Bykova: “Sadness that is not cried out in tears makes the internal organs cry.” Any defense methods are justified here, especially if you are not the culprit of the situation.

Basic conditions for constructive communication

Human life is inextricably linked with communications. With their help, we transmit and receive important information, solve issues of varying degrees of importance and complexity. To extract only benefits and positive emotions from interactions with people, a culture of communication is necessary. It means the following:

• Your interlocutor must be perceived as an equal. Regardless of whose social status is higher, who has the right point of view, you need to be respectful and dignified.
• You need to respect the other person's right to their own point of view. Even if you consider it fundamentally wrong, you do not have the right to force your interlocutor to come over to your side.
• The importance of the personality and actions of the interlocutor cannot be underestimated. What he does is his life experience and moral values. These categories require respect.

Negotiation

Negotiation is communication between parties to achieve their goals, in which each party has equal opportunities to control the situation and make decisions. In a narrow sense, it is considered as one of the methods of alternative dispute resolution. In a broader sense, negotiation is the communication interaction of people or social groups. In the process of communication, various types of information are exchanged between communication participants.

Today, any person living in society is a person negotiating. Negotiation is a fact of our daily lives, the main means of getting what you want from other people and resolving disagreements. Nowadays, we increasingly have to resort to negotiations: after all, another option for solving problems between people is conflict. Every person wants to participate in decisions that affect them; Fewer and fewer people agree with decisions imposed by someone. Although negotiations happen every day, they are not easy to conduct properly.

Techniques for constructive communication: 8 rules

It would seem that what could be simpler than communication? From early childhood we perceive and reproduce speech. However, in order for communication with people to be pleasant and useful, you need to be guided by the following rules:

1. Speak your opponent's language. If this is a simple person with an average level of education, you should not throw dust in his eyes with complex terms and sophisticated expressions. And vice versa. If the interlocutor is a head taller than you, you need to strive to look decent and not get lost against his background.
2. Emphasize your respect for your interlocutor in every possible way. This should be manifested not only in words, but even in gestures and facial expressions.
3. Look for common ground with your opponent. If you find that you have something in common (life circumstances, character traits, etc.), it will be much easier for you to build a dialogue.
4. Be interested in the problems of your interlocutor. If he wants to share something with you, be sure to listen.
5. Let your opponent speak. Even if you fundamentally disagree with his point of view, he should be able to say whatever he thinks about it. Then you will have the right to present detailed arguments.
6. Use the rule of “verbalization of emotions.” Speak out what you feel. This will relieve tension and allow trust to be established.
7. Be specific. If you have options for getting out of the situation, be sure to present them. Otherwise, you should not continue the dialogue, because it will lead you to a dead end.
8. Don't perceive your interlocutor negatively. If he does or says something wrong, don't attribute it to his personality traits. Consider this erroneous behavior caused by coincidence.

Thinking like a strategist

Have you ever wondered how the mindset of a millionaire or a successful entrepreneur differs from the mindset of an ordinary person? Why do some people succeed in everything in life, while others cannot achieve a promotion even with an excellent education and work experience? Everything always starts with a thought. And the ability to think is decisive in any field.

How do these short, homely men think, next to whom the beauty queen walks? How do ugly women manage to get real Apollos as husbands? How does a boy from an orphanage become a millionaire? What is the secret of success? When there are no prerequisites, when no one helps, how do they manage to achieve their goals? Let us examine in detail the thinking of a strategist.

1. See the goal, consider it comprehensively.
2. Realize the degree of importance for yourself.
3. Assess your real capabilities, taking into account the complete lack of luck and help from other people. For strategists know that in this life they can only rely on their own strength.
4. Calculate options for the development of events.
5. An important rule of successful people: you should always have a backup plan. Plan b". If it doesn’t work out right away, they will use this fallback option. It is also worth developing a plan “B” - and so on at least until the middle of the alphabet. Often people achieve their goals not on the first try and not on the second. Sometimes it takes the thousandth option to get all the way to the end.
6. Next comes a promise to yourself that you will not give up. Now that the options have been calculated, you don’t have to be upset about failures. The strategist foresaw this and prepared a plan B. There is no disappointment component. Emotions can lead you astray. They are good in certain situations, but not here.
7. A strategist knows how to make emotions serve him. There are only two options: eliminate them completely, using reason rather than feelings, or use them. You can hang a photo of your least favorite fat relative on the refrigerator - and this will force you to stick to your diet. Every day you can remember your difficult childhood in poverty and go to work, climb the career ladder. Man considers himself a rational being. But when his emotions control him, he looks no better than a kitten chasing its tail in rage. Destroy or subjugate: this is what successful people do with their feelings.
8. Next, the strategist’s thinking comes into play and the details are thought out.
9. The implementation stage begins. The strategist at this stage continues to be guided by his own plan. Analyzes it. Makes adjustments if necessary.

At first glance, this seems like a simple task. But in reality, such discipline is not possible for everyone. It’s good if there is a person around who can teach this by example. If not, you can always take the heroes of films and TV series as an example. Sherlock Holmes thought constructively. He is a model of impartiality. Another example is the image of Sheldon Cooper from the popular TV series “The Big Bang Theory”. His thinking is borderline fantastic.

Listening Techniques

The features of constructive communication are so numerous that mastering them requires some time and further regular practice. Interestingly, you will have to learn not only to convey, but also to perceive information. In this regard, the following listening techniques are distinguished:

• Active (reflective) listening involves constantly reflecting information. To show your interlocutor how attentive you are to his words, you need to constantly ask some clarifying questions. This will demonstrate your respect for your opponent and will also allow you to maintain attention without losing the thread of the conversation.
• Passive (non-reflective) listening involves full concentration on the information. At the same time, you do not interrupt your interlocutor or interfere in his monologue. To show your opponent that you are paying attention, periodically nod your head to show that you are listening and understanding.
• Empathic listening involves empathizing with the other person. You must not only understand his emotional state, but also share it and demonstrate it in every possible way.

Convince

Constructive communication helps develop a conscious understanding of the need for action to achieve results. To do this, you need to formulate your vision of the situation. A person must come to the conclusion that he needs to do it the way you want him to. The first stage of persuasion is repression. It consists of refuting your opponent’s arguments, proving the inconsistency of his beliefs. After a refutation, it is necessary to introduce your arguments into his consciousness. This is called substitution.

Persuasion scheme:

• proving the inconsistency of the interlocutor’s ideas by demonstrating negative qualities;
• demonstrating the positive features of your idea.

Otherwise, the interlocutor may agree with your arguments, but act according to his own vision.

Empathic Listening Technique

If you want to build constructive interpersonal communication, it is recommended to master the technique of empathic listening. It implies compliance with the following rules:

• Set yourself up to listen. This means that at the time of the dialogue you should forget about your own problems, events around you, and emotional experiences. Clear your emotional background to understand and accept the feelings of your interlocutor.
• Reacting to your partner’s words, convey in your monologue everything that you were able to feel. The more accurately you capture the emotion of your interlocutor, the closer and more trusting your relationship will be.
• Be sure to pause after answering. This time is allotted for the interlocutor to think about your words, collect his thoughts and continue the dialogue. Do not perceive this as “awkward silence” and do not try to fill this time period with some of your own thoughts or statements.
• Empathic listening is understanding and accepting the emotional state of the interlocutor. But under no circumstances try to explain the nature and reasons for his experiences.

Using facts

Quite often we hear the following phrases: “You don’t understand anything about this”; “I’m sure it will be more correct this way”; "I know better". On the one hand, a person wants to give weight to his opinion, but in reality such phrases are absolutely groundless and have no basis in argumentation. It has already happened that people do not always know how to correctly use the available facts.

For example, to the question: “Why should we go on vacation to country “A” and not to country “B”?” the answer follows: “Because I think so.” This phrase is familiar to many married couples. It’s just not entirely clear what exactly a spouse means by this. Is vacation in country “A” cheaper? Or is the nature and conditions better there? Never forget about specifics and arguments!

How to teach your child constructive communication

Communication with a child is, first of all, an educational process. Of course, in kindergarten or school, a child will be taught to speak correctly and competently, and to clearly express his thoughts. However, this is not enough. The ability to listen and respect the interlocutor should be instilled by parents. This process includes several essential components:

• Pay attention to your own speech. It is common for a child to repeat after those around him. That is why he should always have an example of constructive communication before his eyes.
• Build your communication with your child as you would with an adult interlocutor. Of course, you shouldn’t operate with complex categories, but it’s also forbidden to lisp. In the course of communicating with parents, the child must learn to build arguments, defend his point of view, in order to then successfully apply these skills in society.
• Allow your child to take the initiative. Even if he says something stupid, let him speak, then politely and thoroughly explain why he is wrong. Do not deprive him of the opportunity to argue and defend his point of view.

Speak

“The ability to communicate with people is a commodity bought with money, like sugar and coffee. And I am ready to pay more for this skill than for any other product in this world,” said John Rockefeller.

Proper communication is the ability to say the right words at the right time.

And the higher a person’s position in business, the more expensive his time spent on each specific word.

The manager must:

• direct the actions of subordinates to achieve intended goals;
• express your thoughts and ideas correctly;
• justify your vision in various circumstances.

To achieve your goals, you need to express your thoughts constructively. They should evoke the emotions and beliefs you need. A person holding a leadership position must be able to influence subordinates with words. This is necessary for a successful business.

Rules for constructive communication with children

As yesterday's kids begin to grow up, they begin to rebel, and therefore it becomes increasingly difficult to find a common language with them. Constructive communication between children and adults should be based on the following basic rules:

• Clearly set the boundaries of what is permitted. This needs to be constantly reminded. Although this can be seen as coercive and authoritarian, children should not be able to discuss these rules. Otherwise, they will begin to manipulate adults, establishing their own rules.
• Look for the cause of inappropriate behavior not in the child's character, but in your relationship. As a rule, disobedience, rebellion and other negative manifestations arise when mutual understanding with adults has cracked. Restore trust and only then solve the underlying problem.
• The boundaries you set should not contradict the interests and age-related needs of the child. As you grow older, the rules need to be changed, otherwise the reaction will be very harsh.
• Praise your child for the slightest achievements and successes. This will instill confidence in him and give him an incentive for new achievements.
• The rules of communication with the child must be strictly agreed upon by all people who take part in the educational process. Otherwise, it will be difficult for children to learn and get used to them.
• Punishment must flow directly from the offense. It must also be proportionate to the offence. Otherwise, the child will develop vindictive intentions towards his parents.

Types and classification of negotiations

There are two main types of negotiations:

• positional;
• rational (principled)

Positional negotiations can take place in two forms - hard and soft. The essence of tough negotiations is insistence at all costs on one’s own, usually extreme, position, which mostly ignores the interests of the other side. In an extremely soft version, the parties are ready to make endless concessions to each other in order to reach an agreement and maintain good relations, which ultimately leads to the adoption of a decision that is ineffective for both parties. A more common strategy in negotiations involves a middle ground - a compromise between soft and hard approaches, involving an attempt to negotiate between trying to get what you want and getting along with people. The third strategy is not so common and involves avoiding negotiations: one of the parties deliberately avoids participating in negotiations or making a decision based on the results of negotiations. An avoidance strategy can be used when one of the parties does not have sufficient bargaining power to achieve the most favorable agreement.

In the process of rational negotiations (the Harvard Negotiation Project uses the term “principled negotiations”), the subject and basis of which are the basic interests of the parties, the problem and interests are separated from personal relationships, which allows, based on objective criteria, to jointly develop various solution options and determine the most profitable ones for all. Such negotiations involve a joint search that does not require the parties’ prior trust in each other, since the latter is formed as a result of mutual control within the framework of common work. Since the goal of rational negotiations is the optimal solution, the ratio of the parties' concessions, if any, is not of fundamental importance, since in any case, each of them wins more and loses less than in positional negotiations.

Regarding other classifications of negotiations, they differ in the number and level of participants, the range of issues discussed, the decision-making mechanism, duration, regularity, degree of formality and mandatory execution of decisions made.

Separate negotiations

Separate negotiations (lat. separatus - divided) - isolated negotiations conducted with the enemy in secret from the allied states or without the consent of the latter.

International economic negotiations

International economic negotiations are an official discussion by representatives of states of economic bilateral and multilateral relations with the aim of agreeing on foreign economic strategy, tactics and relevant diplomatic actions, exchange of opinions, mutual exchange of information, preparation for signing treaties, resolving controversial issues, etc. International economic negotiations - the main method of peaceful resolution of disputes and conflicts in international economic relations arising between states, one of the most common methods in international law for developing and deepening economic cooperation between states.