Communication with people occupies an important place in our lives. Without it, love and family relationships, friendships, work, and business would not be possible. As a rule, people who master the skill of constructive communication achieve great success in their personal and professional lives. But how can you learn to communicate constructively? What does the concept of “constructive conversation” even mean? You can find answers to these and other questions in our article.
What is constructive?
In order to understand what a constructive conversation means, you must first know the meaning of the word “constructive.” Constructive is actions or reactions that are aimed at solving problematic problems, normalizing relationships and improving a difficult situation. The opposite of constructive is destructive. If a person uses profanity, insults, baselessly accuses other people (that is, engages in activities that take up time and lead nowhere) - this is a destructive person.
The main differences between these two varieties
Constructive judgments contribute to self-development, while destructive ones destroy aspirations and cause mental wounds. The main feature of valid criticism is the provision of valuable advice for correcting mistakes and improving performance.
Negative reproaches are based on insults and aggression; such appraisers are not responsible for their words, which hurt and reduce self-esteem. If you encounter such an individual, try to avoid communicating with him, this way you will maintain your calm and your confidence will not suffer.
Actions that do not relate to objective judgment:
- Intimidation. Not allowed: “If you don’t clean your room, you’ll go hungry.” Allowed: “Clean up the house, while I prepare dinner.”
- Insults. You can’t: “You look very bad, haven’t you washed your hair again?” In general, one should not evaluate external data.
- Subjectivity. Don't criticize your friend for her taste, dreams and goals.
Constructive conversation: the meaning of the word
Often we communicate with people in order to have fun, have a good time and share our joys and experiences. But what to do when we are faced with a complex task that requires a competent solution? In such situations, a constructive conversation comes to the rescue, which makes it possible to find a mutually beneficial solution and suggests a direction for achieving a particular goal. Many people mistakenly believe that constructive communication is necessary only in professional activities. In fact, it plays an important role in family relationships. It is unlikely that you will be able to solve the problem of your family member if you resort to destructive conversation techniques.
What is the difference between constructive dialogue and normal conversation?
We think you already roughly understand what a constructive conversation or dialogue means. But this raises another question: how does constructive communication differ from ordinary communication? Well, let's try to figure it out.
The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted, and, of course, in the style of the conversation itself. The essence of constructive conversation is the orderly discovery of truth, which shapes a person’s worldview. A conversation that has no purpose is just chatter. Such chatter is aimed only at the exchange of information between people. This means that as a result of the dialogue, a person is left with only positive or negative emotions.
A characteristic feature of a constructive conversation is a mutual desire to achieve mutual understanding, and until this goal is achieved, the interlocutors will continue to communicate. This means that upon completion of such a dialogue, a person’s point of view on a certain issue should change.
Rule #1
Orderly and respectful communication is the foundation of constructive conversation. People are able to discuss issues openly only if they see that the other person is closely involved in the conversation. Ridicule, shouting, sarcasm or simple inattention simply discourage the desire to communicate, and thereby violate the main goal of a constructive conversation - finding a result that would suit both parties.
This is an extremely simple rule, which, unfortunately, is not always followed. Some may say, “I’m definitely not like that. I always listen to the other person." Perhaps this is true. But “listening to the interlocutor” and “hearing the interlocutor” are completely different things.
Below we will share with you other important rules that every person who wants to learn how to have a constructive conversation needs to know.
Time frame
The most important thing in solving a particular problem is its timeliness. Very often people start talking about what has already happened: “Yesterday you didn’t take out the trash”; “You should have told me about this right after it happened”; “You should have brought this a week ago.” Such phrases will not lead to a solution to the problem. They will lead to the person starting to get out and look for excuses.
Remember that the past cannot be changed. You can influence the present and the future. Talking about the past will only be appropriate when you are analyzing mistakes that should be avoided in the future. For example, if your child does not do his homework on time, you need to first figure out the root of the problem: did he not understand the task, did he not have time due to being busy with other subjects, or simply did not want to do them? By finding out the original cause of the problem, you can prevent it in the future.
When is criticism appropriate?
It’s worth expressing your opinion about a person’s work or actions if you want to help him and not to insult or offend him. If a person posts the result of his activities online or presents them to colleagues, he should prepare for comments in advance, listen to them carefully and thank them for the help provided. When evaluating any subject or activity, a critic needs to determine whether he is the target audience and whether he has the right to evaluate this work, since there is a possibility that the shortcomings he identifies will be insignificant and will not affect anything.
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Criticism is allowed to those people who will subsequently interact with the opponent and deal with his unfinished mistakes.
The main feature of all judgments is the relevance of the opinion and the understanding that it will benefit the person being criticized and will not offend him. This behavior should be followed when commenting on a person’s appearance. It’s stupid to assume that she will immediately make an appointment with a stylist just because she was told about it. Criticism should be where without it complete failure can occur.
Choosing the right interlocutor
Subordinates discuss among themselves the decisions of their management: some are not satisfied with the reduction in time allotted for a lunch break, others are unhappy with the air conditioning that does not work in the heat, others are not satisfied with the lack of a trash can in the office, etc. If they simply discuss this among themselves, they will ultimately achieve nothing. It would be more constructive to address such questions directly to your superiors (if there is a specific proposal).
How to respond to comments
First, realize that they help us develop if we listen to them, calmly listen to advice and extract something useful from it for ourselves.
You should not take any statement with hostility, if working on the project took you a lot of time and you put a lot of effort - this does not mean that the result of your hard work is ideal. Respond to critical comments with dignity, acceptance, and calm.
Also, you should not make excuses to critics; it is better to silently listen to advice and recommendations, answer questions if necessary, and then, after thanking all participants in the dialogue, leave the room.
Using facts
Quite often we hear the following phrases: “You don’t understand anything about this”; “I’m sure it will be more correct this way”; "I know better". On the one hand, a person wants to give weight to his opinion, but in reality such phrases are absolutely groundless and have no basis in argumentation. It has already happened that people do not always know how to correctly use the available facts.
For example, to the question: “Why should we go on vacation to country “A” and not to country “B”?” the answer follows: “Because I think so.” This phrase is familiar to many married couples. It’s just not entirely clear what exactly a spouse means by this. Is vacation in country “A” cheaper? Or is the nature and conditions better there? Never forget about specifics and arguments!
Why are we so sensitive to criticism?
Many studies have concluded that praise has a positive effect on the result, but various types of comments have a negative effect. We react to reproaches more sharply and remember them faster than compliments. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is evolution. During the evolutionary period, we learned to quickly respond to negative stimuli. In the wild, such signals portend mortal danger, so it is necessary to respond sharply to them in order to survive. Now everything has changed, but we react to troubles in the same way - emotionally and strongly.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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The next reason why we are overwhelmed with emotions when someone criticizes us is a new experience. We have a negative attitude towards stimuli that are unusual for us.
Solve the problem, don't change your interlocutor
In life, many people very often try to change those around them to suit themselves. You should try to get rid of this trait as quickly as possible. Understanding the fact that you are unlikely to be able to change another person can prevent a huge number of problems that may appear in the foreseeable future.
You are faced with a specific task. Let's consider the problem that we mentioned earlier - the child does not have time to complete his homework. In such a situation, there is no need to break your child and try to re-educate him in a rather rude manner. A child may not do his homework not only because he is a hooligan and a slacker. Perhaps he is too busy training. Or tutors take up a lot of his time, and because of this he simply does not have time to work on other subjects. There is a possibility that he simply does not understand this or that topic. As you can see, there can be many reasons. The main thing is to identify the problem and try to solve it.
What notes should you not pay attention to?
We often express our opinion, we do it involuntarily, we do not strive to ensure that our point of view is objective. Sometimes we don’t want to help someone at all, we simply talk about our thoughts, tastes, experiences or hobbies, and we can also throw out a flurry of negative emotions on a colleague.
Nowadays we are very susceptible to criticism, we face it everywhere.
- Internet. On social networks, people leave comments to each other, some are positive, others are aggressive. You shouldn't take them seriously.
- Policy. Our television screens often broadcast debates between political figures, who, despite their status, subsequently turn to shouting and sometimes to personalities.
- The science. A community of scientists can become divided over differing opinions on one specific issue.
Don't pay attention to judgments that are intended to hurt or offend you. They are untrue and unfounded. In any group of people you will find a like-minded person who will support you and give valuable advice and recommendations.
Constructive criticism
Constructive conversation - what is it? We think we have already dealt with this issue. Now it's time to look at the concept of constructive criticism, as it goes hand in hand with constructive conversation. As you may already understand, constructive criticism is balanced and reasoned criticism that does not contain insults or other signs of destructiveness.
If you want the person to take your comments into account and correct their mistakes, your criticism should be free of any aggression. On the contrary, the conversation should take place in a positive tone. Structure of constructive criticism:
- Praise.
- Criticize.
- Praise.
Now let's look at all this with an example. Let's say you are the head of a department. One of your subordinates, who has never let you down before, did not fulfill the work plan. Let's imagine that his name is Igor. How to act in such a situation?
- Start with a positive assessment. Example: “Igor, over the past months you have shown good results. Through hard work and perseverance, you have become one of the best members of our department.” Having heard such approving words, your subordinate will be ready to discuss points that need to be improved.
- Discuss what needs to be changed and improved. Example: “At the same time, you still have room to grow. This month you only completed half of your plan. Let’s discuss what you can do to improve this indicator next month.”
- End the conversation on a positive note. Example: “I think with your abilities it won’t be too difficult for you to solve this problem.”
On this we propose to finish our article. Now you know what constructive conversation means and how to conduct it in your personal life and at work. We hope that our publication was interesting to you and you learned a lot of informative information!
Tips for parents
I will list several recommendations that will help teach a child how to properly respond to objective and biased judgments of outsiders.
- Convey to your child the importance of remaining calm. He should not contradict the teacher, make tearful excuses or behave aggressively.
- Contact him often so that you know about all the abuse he is subjected to. Be honest with each other.
- Teach him to stand up for himself and respond correctly to destructive judgments.
- Don't raise a perfectionist and don't tell him that he is to blame for something. Bring your life experience, when you made a lot of mistakes, he should understand that every person existing in this world had to make mistakes.
Adequate perception of all comments and assessments of critics is the key to stable career and spiritual growth. Without self-improvement, you will not be able to lead your work and family life.
