Fear of close relationships: run, fight, freeze?

Many modern people are haunted by fear of relationships. It appears when a person does not have the necessary skills to make acquaintances and form a strong attachment. Such fear can live in a person’s soul for many years, and some do not know how to overcome stiffness and the gradually emerging feeling of despair. When it is not possible to find our soulmate for a long time, we begin to doubt ourselves and believe that something is wrong with us. Let's take a closer look at this problem. It occurs quite often, but almost everyone is embarrassed to talk about it out loud.

What's wrong with being afraid of relationships?

Despite the positive functions of this fear, it can interfere with life and lead to some problems:

1. Loneliness - fear of intimacy can be the main reason that a person avoids relationships altogether or destroys them when they become close.
2. Choosing those partners who cannot be in a close relationship - those who are already in a relationship, who are distant, want only sex, or who do not reciprocate. At the same time, such people devalue those who are available to them and with whom they could have relationships.
3. Frequent conflicts - people who are afraid of intimacy often use conflict to increase distance from another person. When they don't feel secure in a relationship, they provoke arguments to get their partner further.
4. Various addictions (workaholism, gambling addiction, drug addiction, etc.) - due to fear of relationships with people, some people prefer to satisfy their needs through some kind of addiction, that is, they build relationships not with other people, but with some object (work, food, computer, etc.). Which is perceived as safer.
5. Constant separation from other people - those who avoid intimacy tend to break off their relationships even when there is no special reason for this.
6. Cheating in relationships - some people prefer to have several love relationships at once in order not to get close or attached to any of them. They cheat on their partners in order to build distance with them.
7. The eternal search for the ideal partner - those who are afraid of intimacy with a real, living, imperfect person sometimes prefer to live in their fantasies, hoping to meet the best partner, but in the end they never find him, and are left alone.
8. Unmet needs for warmth, care, support, attention, etc. – we all have needs related to other people, we cannot be happy if they are not met.

How to overcome relationship fear

Of course, we definitely need to work on the problem. Fear of relationships needs correction. Without the necessary actions, it is impossible to overcome a phobia and begin to live a full life. How to overcome such a phobia? How to work with it correctly? Below are effective tips to help you regain your peace of mind.

Taking responsibility

Understand that no one will live your life for you! This is why there is no point in reveling in your own personal unsettlement. A serious relationship will not appear on its own. To find your soulmate, sometimes you have to meet many times, encounter unsuitable people, draw conclusions and move on. You cannot stop in your search and assume that life ends there. To start meeting men, in many cases a woman needs to overcome her mistrust.

Free yourself from the past

Unfortunately, even after many years, some people cannot free themselves from the past. It dominates them, dictates its own rules of behavior. Negative experiences greatly limit a person’s ability to gain vivid positive impressions. As a result, the emotional sphere suffers and numerous phobias develop. To be able to accept a new relationship into your life, you will have to work on yourself with the most serious intentions. As long as the connection with the past remains strong enough, nothing will be able to change significantly. True liberation comes when people begin to think differently. It no longer occurs to them to avoid possible acquaintances; on the contrary, they themselves begin to strive to be liked and make a pleasant impression on the interlocutor. Serious changes begin from the moment such a decision is made.

True Forgiveness

As a rule, all phobias are created due to an obsession with some situation in childhood or adolescence that influenced our worldview. You need to try to forgive your parents, accept the lessons that they teach you in due time. True forgiveness occurs naturally when a person feels the internal reserves in himself in order to continue living. A necessary step is to find your own strengths. Each of us has strengths, there is no doubt about that. You just need to find them, love yourself for who you really are. Only then will serious changes begin that bring joy. Having identified his strengths, a person begins to feel much more confident and self-sufficient.

Thus, fear of relationships is a problem that prevents a person from enjoying life and being happy. Sometimes he doesn’t even understand how much he pushes himself into limits. If you also have such a delicate problem, and you don’t know how to deal with it on your own, contact the Irakli Pozharisky Psychology Center for help. A specialist will help you figure out where this constraint comes from and how you can overcome this obstacle. Remember, there is nothing worse than suffering by withdrawing into yourself. There is no need to dive into the whole problem! Open yourself up to a happy and fulfilling life!

What does an neglected phobia lead to?

To be loved and to love is a natural human need

This is important for full and comprehensive self-realization and finding harmony. Denial and avoidance do not make the patient happy; the pain of the past does not subside

Most philophobes deny this; they create their own individual world in which they are comfortable and safe.

The inability to build trusting relationships also affects the sphere of friendships. Along with this comes the awareness of uselessness, unhappiness, and loneliness. And casual acquaintances and superficial communication further enhance the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness of life.

Olga Dulepina - about the stages of relationship development

family therapist

Our fears arise because the fairy tale about love until the grave, which is implanted in us in childhood, has little in common with reality. These are our beliefs, safely swallowed along with our upbringing. But at some point a person discovers that he or his partner does not have enough resources for this eternal love. Dissonance arises, which makes separation very painful.

If we talk about the fear of loss, then a lot here depends on the level of human development. I am referring to the Weinhold therapist couple's concept in Flight from Intimacy. They believe that relationships develop according to the following scenario: fusion and codependency, counterdependence, independence and interdependence.

Only at the last stage do people become partners in the full sense of the word. And at the first stage, a person is often obsessed with the fear of loss. Sometimes it is expressed so strongly that one of the partners is completely absorbed by it and is constantly in negative anticipation. There are no boundaries in a merger, it is unclear who wants what, and everything is done in order to preserve the union at any cost. This is a format of relationship not between a man and a woman, but between a mother and a child.

It is during a merger that people experience a panicky fear of betrayal: we are afraid that our partner will fall in love and may leave us, and this is already lack of self-confidence.

Mature love is unity while maintaining individuality. In such relationships there is also fear, but it no longer fills the whole life and does not turn into a crazy experience that cannot be controlled.

I need to get used to the idea that another person’s body does not belong to me and, yes, he is free to leave.

In such situations, it is a little easier for those who have social connections with several people: in this case, they recognize that they too can fall in love and become interested in someone else.

Therefore, to overcome fears, you must first overcome codependency. When a person has calmed down, become self-sufficient, and has passed the other extreme - counter-dependence, he already knows how to live alone, does not merge with anyone, is morally and materially free, but realizes the need for intimacy - and begins to search and choose. A miracle happens when two mature and psychologically developed personalities meet. This is an ideal partnership: equal rights, duties and responsibilities. No one piles on anyone, each can be alone and easily do without the other, but both decide to live together because they develop each other while maintaining their interests and social environment.

Transformation of a phobia

Unlike other phobias, the fear of men is hidden behind masks, that is, it is transformed. Let's look at how androphobia manifests itself.

Children's and teen events

Antisocial behavior of parents and family disharmony turns into personal disharmony. Children and adolescents with androphobia are characterized by cruelty and aggressiveness. Those around them see them as selfish, but in reality such children do not accept and do not love themselves, since they associate themselves with their parents.

In adolescents, phobia has specific bodily manifestations:

• increased sweating;
• increased greasiness of skin and hair;
• excess weight;
• acne;
• delay in the development of secondary sexual characteristics.

Smells

People are animals, albeit socialized ones. We smell other people, although we are not always aware of it. But on a subconscious level, likes and dislikes are largely related to smells. We are attracted to people who smell opposite to us.

Social background

A woman's lack of self-confidence and disgust for her appearance may be hidden behind a fear of men. In this case, the phobia is represented by a passion for plastic surgery, cosmetic procedures, injections, etc. And also such women tend to compete with other girls.

Morality

Some androphobes, afraid of sex, hide behind morality. They regard sex as something primitive, low, and unworthy. Instead, they choose self-development, asexuality, loneliness, and dangerous entertainment.

Surrogate for intimacy

It is based on the mechanism of sublimation and compensation. For example, a woman can give birth to a child and give all her feelings to him, and not to a man. Someone gets a pet and devotes their life to caring for it. Some people become attached to their parents and live with them for the rest of their lives. Someone becomes attached to an idol and lives in dreams. Someone clings to past relationships in their memories.

Behavior of androphobes

Androphobes expect betrayal from men, impudent or insulting behavior. And they find confirmation of their beliefs. Such women compete with men and try to achieve financial and moral independence. Some women resort to artificial insemination from a donor and rationally approach the choice of the father of the child. Depending on the characteristics of the phobia, the woman completely avoids contact with men or communicates only with subordinates. Or uses men for sexual pleasure and other entertainment. Some women embrace feminism or become lesbians. Others avoid men and potential places where males gather.

Don't let your emotions get the better of you

Excessive anxiety, fears, and uncertainty prevent you from adequately assessing your real feelings and feeling the true attitude of a potential partner. Throw away unnecessary emotions and admit to yourself how you feel about the person who aroused your interest

Learn the important ability to be honest with yourself - this is the only way you can adequately assess why you are attracted to this or that person - whether you really feel sympathy or are you driven by fear of loneliness, whether you are drawn to a potential partner because of his spiritual qualities, or Is it just physical attraction, or maybe it’s difficult for you to surrender to your feelings because you consider yourself unworthy of the object of your adoration? Guided by feelings, not emotions, it will not be difficult for you to understand exactly how the person you are interested in feels about you and whether you should let him close to you

Learning from your past mistakes is wise, but savoring the unpleasant aftertaste that remains after a failed relationship is a real utopia. Open up to happiness, let it into your life - just believe that you, like any other person, deserve to be happy!

Yulia Prikhodko

Reasons for fear of men:

• Personal negative experience of communicating with a man (young man). Most often these are negative first relationships with a young man, unrequited love, betrayal, ridicule of feelings. This is the psychological trauma that turns into a phobia.
• Unpleasant feelings from childhood, when a father, brother, uncle, grandfather treated a girl or her mother insultingly. Silencing feelings in childhood results in hatred of men in adulthood.
• Parental settings. The parents did not allow any communication between the girl and the boys for some reason of their own.
• Extremely negative experience in intimate relationships. It could be rape, one-time sex and goodbye, ridicule.
• MASS MEDIA. An impressionable lady can watch enough programs where men beat their wives, cut off their hands, lock them in apartments, and do not give them the right to vote.
• Raised by a mother or grandmother who judged men.

Philophobia - fear of falling in love

An obsessive state expressed in a conscious or unconscious fear of falling in love.

• philophobes can be moody loners or the life of the party
• may fundamentally not have children or be parents of many children
• be neat or unkempt
• can have a wonderful figure or become obese
• have intimate relationships or refuse sex completely

But everyone is united by one quality - the inability and unwillingness to have trusting relationships with the opposite sex. At the same time, people suffering from philophobia are often not aware of their problem. They lead the lifestyle that suits them. Philophobes build their own personal world, where they feel comfortable and safe. And the higher the barrier between the outside world and the world of the philophobe, the faster the fear of letting someone into their territory, opening their soul, entrusting their feelings and thoughts develops.

In the end, a person finally plunges into his mental loneliness and loses all hope of breaking out of the vicious circle.

Causes

• The unattainable ideal of a partner, formed in childhood. The image of a father or mother who becomes an example, and romantic stories about noble men and beautiful girls form inflated demands on the chosen one.
• Formation in a child of a disdainful attitude towards the opposite sex. Frequent scandals in the family, assault, and betrayal of parents contribute to the development of fear of starting a family.
• Unhappy first love. Romantic relationships in adolescence are always very emotional, and any disappointment leaves a deep mark on the person’s psyche, sometimes affecting the rest of their lives.
• Bad sexual experience. Rape, a rude and cynical attitude of a partner - all this can instill an irresistible fear of further relationships in both men and women.
• Divorce. After a failed marriage, people often stop interacting with the opposite sex, withdraw into their feelings, and blame themselves or their spouse for all problems.
• Loss of a loved one. After death, shortcomings are forgotten, and the image of a loved one becomes ideal. There are no people who have not survived some of these tests, but not everyone becomes philophobes.

The development of fear of love is promoted by:

• inferiority complex
• fear of losing independence
• instability of the human psyche
• inability to take responsibility for one's decisions and actions
• unwillingness to care about someone

A huge contribution to the development of philophobia was made by the aggressive promotion of a consumer lifestyle, the destruction of the family institution and the formation of inflated demands on a partner in men and women.

Treatment

Most often, close friends and relatives notice changes in a person’s character:

• A person tries to spend all his free time alone or is not at home at all, preferring to be in noisy society
• Stops taking care of your appearance or pays too much attention to it
• Expresses a desire to have a family, but does not take any action towards this
• Meeting a potential partner comes down to short sexual encounters.
• Character begins to deteriorate - irritability, nervousness, and temper appear
• Sleep is disturbed
• Mood drops

If you are repeatedly hinted at at least some of the listed signs, and you notice unpleasant changes in yourself, perhaps you should think about changing your life. First of all, you need to realize the hidden fears and benefits of your position. Most likely you are afraid:

• lose freedom, autonomy and independence
• be disappointed in your chosen one
• give up long-term habits
• lose a loved one

There are many other fears that prevent you from having a permanent relationship. Awareness of the problem is the first step to solving it. Good results are achieved through autogenic training to increase self-esteem and create an optimistic outlook on life circumstances, expand your social circle, and change the environment. A competent psychotherapist will help you select treatment methods. If personality changes have become more serious, drug therapy may be needed. Philophobia can be completely cured if the patient himself is interested in it. SUBSCRIBE TO THE VKontakte GROUP dedicated to anxiety disorders: phobias, fears, obsessive thoughts, VSD, neurosis. Article rating: (2

Manifestations of phobic disorder

Fear of men has several varieties. Let's take a closer look at what androphobia actually is.

Fear of a serious relationship in a woman

Modern women are more likely than men to not want to get married. This is explained by the emancipation of girls. Most of them have retreated from the idea of ​​patriarchy and do not want to devote their lives to family and children. They build a career, have fun, and develop comprehensively. In this context, a serious relationship with a man is perceived as a burden. Some women feel so self-sufficient that they see no point in getting along with someone else's character traits, habits, and needs. Such women are afraid that marriage will destroy their lives, interfere with personal self-realization, and deprive them of personal space.

For other women, fear of relationships arises for the opposite reason. They are insecure and do not trust men. Maybe they would like to leave their job and raise children, but they are afraid that the man will not be able to cope with such responsibility.

Some women do not want to enter into a serious relationship because of the myth that a husband's attitude towards his wife changes for the worse. This belief is formed due to suggestibility, stories from friends and stories from the media. In fact, relationships in or outside of marriage depend on two people, and women often change their attitude towards their spouse and themselves. They stop taking care of themselves, take off the mask they wore before the wedding, express constant complaints, and make the main mistake - they try to re-educate the man, becoming his mother.

Fear of close relationships (intimacy)

Fear of intimacy may be associated with a negative first experience of intimacy. Or with rape. In this case, behind the phobia lies a feeling of shame, pain, and disappointment.

Fear of intimate relationships with men can also be indirect in nature. For example, in previous relationships there were often conflicts and scandals, the woman did not love her husband and went to bed in the same bed out of a sense of duty, each intimacy could be called voluntary rape.

In some cases, behind the fear of intimacy there may be a fear of pregnancy or a fear of not pleasing a partner or disappointing him. And this may also hide a woman’s lack of acceptance of her body and complexes. Or parental attitudes about the sinfulness of sex, a ban on relationships with men.

It is important! If a woman suffers from somatic or psychosomatic female diseases, then this can cause pain during sex. Which also contributes to the development of fear of intimacy.

Fear of new relationships after a breakup

Fear of a new relationship arises after a painful breakup with a guy. Especially if the separation occurred on the initiative of a man. A woman develops two beliefs: “all men are assholes” and “there’s something wrong with me.” A woman begins to look for flaws in herself, and sees a former partner in every man. Moreover, because she is fixated on shortcomings, she only meets the same men, which confirms her belief.

Fear of repeating the experience

Parental divorce or personal experience of divorce leaves a negative impression of family relationships. If a woman completely refuses a relationship, then the issue is negative memories of the relationship in general, and not just within the framework of marriage.

If the experience of the parents is to blame, then the girl may not even remember the relationship between her parents. But the girl remembers what her mother told her. And she said that dad was bad and in general all men were dangerous creatures who should not be messed with.

Fear of falling in love

Behind this lies the fear of emotions and the fear of close relationships. A person is afraid of losing control over himself, of being at the mercy of emotions. Such people are used to controlling everything; they prefer to be guided by their mind rather than their heart. Typically, this happens for two reasons:

• strict family upbringing, prohibition on expression and manifestation of feelings;
• mental suffering, after which a person decided to completely abandon emotions.

Such people do not let anyone close to them. Moreover, they can be in a relationship, but the mind never gives in to feelings. Their relationship is always formal and of a business nature. Because of coldness, prudence and restraint, people with fear of falling in love find themselves alone.

It is important! Women's fear of men is rarely presented in one form. More often, several varieties and several reasons are combined. For example, the fear of falling in love is combined with the fear of repeating the experience or with childhood psychotrauma due to the costs of upbringing.

Fear of disappointment

Some women are afraid of being disappointed in a relationship and a man. These fears are associated with an inflated level of aspirations, excessive criticism, inflated demands on men, and the search for an unattainable ideal. Such women are fixated on shortcomings and dream of a relationship without contradictions. Any collision with reality leads to disappointment.

Fear of responsibility

Closely related to the fear of serious relationships. A woman is not ready to care for a man, give birth and raise children. If a girl lives with her parents, then perhaps she is not ready for independent life at all. In this case, we are talking about infantilism.

Fear of Rejection

Associated with uncertainty, low self-esteem, inferiority complex and fear of loss. The girl considers herself unattractive and unworthy. Subconsciously, she expects that she will be abandoned sooner or later. The reason for this attitude towards oneself must be sought in childhood; probably, there was not enough parental love, their acceptance and understanding. The fear of being rejected may be associated with resentment against her father if the girl views his leaving the family as a betrayal, a rejection of her.

How to get rid of the fear of losing a man and the fear of being rejected? You need to understand that with paranoid thoughts you only worsen the relationship. Parting happens for one reason - people's paths diverge. Each person grows and changes throughout his life, not necessarily in the same direction as his partner. Sometimes discrepancies occur. And instead of wasting time and clinging to the past, it is better to go into the future and meet your person. Think about whether your fear is related to dependence on your partner. What to do in this case? Get out of dependent relationships.

Why does fear of rejection arise?

The fear of rejection does not arise out of nowhere. This condition occurs if there has already been a negative experience. At the subconscious and even physical levels, a person experiences discomfort; he strives to avoid such manifestations, sometimes not understanding what is happening to him. Often, all phobias originate from our childhood.

Reasons for its appearance: how is rejection phobia formed?

Receiving a refusal is always unpleasant, hope is destroyed, and self-esteem decreases. Not everyone copes with the difficulties that arise. Nullophobia (nullo - insignificant, unimportant; phobia - fear), this is the name given to the fear of being rejected.

Let's consider several reasons that serve as the impetus for the manifestation of pathological fear of rejection:

Family breakdown, death of parent(s). The fragile psyche of a child is subject to serious testing

The kid feels guilty about what happened: dad (mom) left me because I’m bad, they don’t need me. Simple inattention to the child. Repulsion of the child by parents and older brothers and sisters leads to the formation of confidence in one’s own uselessness

To attract attention, the baby begins to adapt. This behavior also manifests itself in adulthood. Unwanted pregnancy. Emotional worries about this for the expectant mother, attempts to get rid of the child who has not yet appeared, the birth of a girl instead of the expected boy, or, conversely, all this negatively affects the baby’s psyche. Parental overprotection. The desire to protect your child from any difficulties can play a cruel joke in the future. By solving all the problems for the child, parents deprive him of independence. Left without protection, an adult already experiences uncertainty, being refused something, completely loses faith in himself. Breakup of love relationships associated with betrayal; betrayal of friends or business partners. All situations are associated with severe emotional shock. Lack of support from loved ones and prolonged recovery from a depressive state provoke fear of future relationships. Natural tendency to be reclusive. Singles allow into their circle only those from whom they are 100% sure that they will not be rejected. Presence of physical disabilities. The confidence is instilled that one cannot love such a person, and the “ugly duckling” syndrome manifests itself.

These reasons can provoke the appearance of a phobia; the task of the environment is not to leave your loved one alone with the problem.

Why do women doubt their men and how to start trusting a guy?

The first answer that lies on the surface: “Because the woman has already been betrayed, has learned the taste of deception.”

Yes, unfortunately, in most cases this is true: having been burned once, girls are very suspicious of all further attempts to build a trusting relationship. And it’s very difficult for a woman to understand again how to learn to trust a guy.

This fear is one of the primitive, basic ones - after all, in the event of betrayal, a woman can no longer feel safe. How to trust your husband after cheating, for example? After all, your family can no longer be the same.

From a psychologist’s point of view, trust is when each partner gives the other part of the responsibility for himself, i.e. instead of “I”, “we” appears. A woman’s trust for a man is an expression of her love and respect for him.

Behind every great man there is a woman who believed in him (history knows many examples of this). Sometimes women replace their faith with excessive care. Confident that ironed shirts can compensate for her constant jealousy and surveillance, the girl kills the relationship with her own hands.

Another reason for mistrust in a couple can be a woman’s low self-esteem: deep down you constantly think that it’s your destiny to be deceived and that you don’t deserve a good man. Subconsciously, you surround yourself with people who confirm this theory, and it becomes impossible to break out of such a vicious circle. You are betrayed all the time, and you don’t know how to learn to trust your loved one again.

Sometimes overly closed or unemotional men arouse suspicion with their behavior - they are not inclined to show feelings, and thereby put a woman in a state of constant tension.

There are men who can deliberately provoke you to show suspicion in order to make sure of their importance. We will not talk now about pathological narcissists and other unstable personalities.

Of course, if your mistrust is well founded, ask yourself the question: “Is this relationship worth continuing?” But if a man does not give any reason for doubt, and you are constantly trying to find or come up with a motive for betrayal, this is already a good reason to think about your ability to believe.

What to do if the worm of doubt is constantly gnawing at you from the inside? What if the betrayals of other men have left their mark and you don’t know how to start trusting your boyfriend or husband? If you are sure of the reason for your distrust of people, then it is easier to understand what you need to work on. But if doubts come to you again and again, take advantage of the advice of psychologists on this issue.

Live here and now

Appreciate what you have and don't compare your relationships to past ones. Rejoice in the positive moments and finally get rid of the “all men are the same” attitude. No and no again.

By endowing your beloved guy with obviously negative qualities, you will constantly look for them in him. This cannot but cause negativity and tension in relationships.

Get rid of the habit of controlling his every move

At first, this is quite difficult to do. But try to wean yourself little by little from suspiciousness: people do sometimes get stuck in traffic jams, are delayed in the office, and their phones die. The main thing is not to fool yourself with the thought that at this time your man will definitely cheat on you.

Don't listen to stories from friends about unfaithful husbands

Don't create unfounded suspicion in yourself. Don't limit your husband's freedom just because your friend's man cheated on her. The more space you give, the less you want to break out of it. Don't think about how to learn to trust your husband. Since you married him, it means you initially trusted this person. Can your family happiness be shaken because of gossip and stories from overly impressionable friends?

Increase your self-esteem

Pay more attention to the positive aspects of your communication. Stop thinking that you are unworthy of being treated well.

Eradicate the idea that you can get something worthwhile only by earning it. Often such complexes stretch from deep childhood.

Therefore, if you find it difficult to cope with them yourself, be sure to consult a specialist. Our negative attitudes can only get worse as we age and destroy relationships if we don’t get rid of them in time.

Sequencing

If you are familiar with the phrase “I’m afraid of serious relationships with men,” then you’ve probably had to think more than once about how to overcome this fear in yourself.

1. First of all, it is important to identify the cause of fear. If you cannot determine it yourself, then it would not be a bad idea to seek advice from a psychologist.
2. Try to explore your needs and also find out what your partner needs. The girl must determine whether they are ready to move to the level of a serious relationship, whether there is a tendency to cheat, what is their financial stability, whether their lifestyles are similar, and whether there are traits in the guy that she cannot come to terms with.
3. Stop being afraid of what lies ahead, don't think about future obligations. It is possible that your fear arose due to the fact that thoughts appeared about the possible loss of your personality, that one day a child will be born who will have to devote himself, there will be no time left for his own life. In such a situation, it is important to realize that you will not find yourself alone, there will be a loving partner nearby. To make it easier to overcome the fear of the future, make lists in which you can clearly distribute responsibilities, as well as write down the things that you will do together. You can try to start an experiment, see if you can exist together.
4. Learn to compromise and eliminate unnecessary conflicts. If you see that there are scandals in your relationship with your boyfriend at the moment, then it’s time to stop them. It is important to learn to calm down yourself and bring your partner to his senses. Remember that sometimes it is the girl who becomes the source of scandals. Try to look at yourself from the outside, reevaluate your priorities.
5. If you are afraid of future obligations, you can try to test yourself. If you are afraid that over time a baby will appear that will be difficult to cope with, then you can try to babysit a neighbor’s child or even get a job as a nanny.

Treatment by a doctor

For symptoms of heterophobia, group therapy has proven itself very well.

In modern society, heterophobia is considered something shameful and is often associated with a person’s secret homosexuality. Because of this, many people suffering from this disorder are afraid to talk about their problem for many years, which is why their quality of life is significantly reduced.

The following techniques help to effectively combat manifestations of heterophobia:

• behavioral and cognitive therapy;
• group therapy, as a result of which the patient can understand that fear is present not only in him, but also in other people;
• psychoanalysis, which allows us to identify the very root cause of the problem (the presence of a traumatic situation that became the impetus for the development of a phobia);
• psychological support from a specialist and loved ones;
• hypnosis according to Erickson, which allows the specialist to identify the very essence of fear, removing it from the patient’s subconscious.

If psychotherapeutic treatment turns out to be ineffective, a specialist may prescribe psychotropic and sedatives to the patient.

Due to the fact that female frigidity and male erectile dysfunction have a psychological cause, symptomatic treatment of these pathologies is not carried out. Once the root cause of the phobia is eliminated, the physiological problems go away on their own.

The essence of a phobia

In medicine, this phenomenon is described as an overwhelming, abnormal and unreasonable fear of falling in love. Severe rejection of all expressions of love leads to real physical symptoms that interfere with a person's daily life and affect his personal connections with friends, family and loved ones.

Some people suffering from this disease are aware of their irrational state, but find it difficult to control it. And even if a person falls in love, it causes severe emotional shock. Some people are so afraid of love that they cannot open up to anyone.

They do have a serious relationship, but they are not able to fully support it. Their mental well-being often depends on the reaction of their loved one. This keeps them constantly tense and anxious.

Fear of relationships with the opposite sex

Fear of close relationships is associated not only with childhood idealization, but also with a feeling of loss of independence. Long-term relationships mean

• interaction;
• living together;
• common goals and their achievement.

In any case, in order for two separate individuals to make plans together, implement them, live in the same territory, have sex, have children, compromises will need to be made. The key to a good relationship is not to meet a person with exactly the same interests, habits, goals, etc. as you, but the ability to accept your partner for who he is, adapt without harming yourself, find common ground and be able to resolve conflicts .

Philophobes tend to perceive relationships as bondage that should be avoided. This is due to the fact that they simply do not know how to build personal boundaries and all their close relationships really resembled bondage. As soon as a philophobe falls in love, he becomes dependent on this person, which means vulnerable, so fear of relationships is simply a protective measure. Dependent relationships are bad, but in this case you need to work on yourself in order to be able to build healthy, honest relationships, and not abandon them in principle.

It is especially important to talk about the complexes inherent in both the male and female sexes, which interfere with the creation of close relationships. A person may consider himself unworthy of good relationships and thereby unconsciously spoil them

And then a cause-and-effect chain starts: unsuccessful relationship → separation, disappointment → fear of creating new ones.

Male phobias in relationships

1. Fear of sex is the most important male phobia. Everyone is used to thinking that men need sex every day, but in fact, many are afraid of not being as good as their partner wants. Girls should not say the phrase: my ex was an ace in bed. This gives a man a desire to prove that he is better. And when you just have to prove it every time, it’s no fun.
2. Fear of rivals – Men are all owners. And they are very scared that there is someone better than him.
3. Fear of becoming attached is a very strong phobia for men; they are afraid to enter into a serious relationship because they believe that their partner will be a hindrance in their life and because of their attachment to her they will not reach certain heights and will become vulnerable.
4. Fear of loneliness - like all living beings, men are afraid of being alone. Because of this, they try not to let a woman get close to them, so as not to hurt themselves with loneliness after she leaves.
5. Fear of mother is a common phobia. Especially the sons of powerful women grow up to be men who do not start relationships, fearing that their mother will not like his passion.

How to build relationships if you have a strong fear of intimacy?

Don't rush, let your relationship develop slowly and gradually. This will give you the opportunity to take a better look at your partner, understand whether you should trust him, and feel comfortable in this relationship. Decide for yourself what is unacceptable to you in a relationship, what you will never allow to happen to yourself, what you cannot forgive, and because of which you will definitely end the relationship. And be sure to stick with it, even if it gets difficult. This will make you feel safe getting close to the other person. Because of painful experiences, you may see threat where there is none. Therefore, learn to test your fantasies about other people before jumping to conclusions or breaking off relationships. If it seems to you that someone intentionally wanted to hurt you, double-check, ask whether you correctly understood the words or actions of the other person. Instead of breaking off a relationship when problems arise, learn to resolve them. There is no ideal relationship where disagreements, conflicts, and misunderstandings never occur, so you need to learn to cope with such difficulties. Fear of intimate relationships is treated by positive relationship experiences. That is, an experience that will prove to you that relationships are not only pain, but also warmth, tenderness and love. That they are worth the risk we take in entering them

Therefore, it is important to learn to build relationships in which there will be enough reliability, warmth, care, mutual respect for each other’s vulnerability and boundaries.

If you can’t build such a relationship, you go through a vicious circle of disappointments in love again and again, then do not put yourself at risk of repeating another similar painful story, but rather seek help from a psychologist.

Symptoms and treatment

There are times when an adult is simply not ready at a certain stage of his life to take the initiative and start a family or at least a permanent partner. This does not mean that he has a phobia of love and sexual relationships.

Philophobia is characterized by a range of symptoms: constant irritability, short temper and nervousness, insomnia or other sleep problems, combined with bad mood and fear of losing freedom. Proven methods of psychology and psychotherapy will help overcome such symptoms, as well as male and female fears of sexual contact. Therefore, if at some stage of life, for example, after a divorce or breakup, you notice similar symptoms in combination with the fear of starting a new relationship, it is better to immediately consult a specialist. A person suffering from a love disorder talks about wanting to start a family, but prefers to limit himself to light flirting and short sexual contacts without commitment. He suddenly stops taking care of himself or, on the contrary, buys a gym membership and goes on a diet to get rid of figure flaws.

If a philophobe realizes that he has a fear of love, but he does not want to change habits and give up freedom, then the person needs treatment. Patients with psychologically related childhood trauma should see a therapist, as should survivors of abuse. Negative memories and emotions must first be spoken out, and then gradually get rid of this burden.

It is useful for people with low self-esteem to pay attention to themselves and constantly develop: read books, study languages, sign up for dancing, or find another hobby that will make them feel important. You can overcome the negative psychological consequences of divorce, fear of love and kisses in group or individual classes

In severe cases, sedatives, antidepressants or tranquilizers will help. Only a specialist can prescribe pharmacological treatment, who must determine the person’s condition and how much the fear of relationships interferes with normal life.

You can achieve good results with the help of auto-training, which will teach you to look at others and your problems with optimism, to love and value yourself. Sometimes, to overcome the subconscious fear of love, it is enough to meet new people, move or find another job to improve your emotional state and become more open. A problem such as philophobia can be treated well, but only if a person himself wants to get rid of it and is ready to open his heart to his soulmate.