Responsibility for your life - how to take it and what are the benefits

Definitely, everyone around us has someone they know who is being hindered by something in their life. He always lacks something for complete happiness. This could be the state and its unimportant policies, a boss who pays little but demands a lot, or parents who did not give an apartment, a car, or education. Such an objectionable list can be continued endlessly.

The people around us are different, but all those who are dissatisfied have one thing in common - they have all shifted responsibility for their lives to others. Maybe you have such a sin too? Let's discuss the question in detail and find answers to it.

What is the meaning of taking responsibility?

Awareness and acceptance of responsibility for your life means that you clearly understand: everything that happens to you, by and large, is the result of your actions and your choices. Yes, today we live the results of what we were achieving yesterday. Work, love relationships, environment, your place in the sun - these are all the consequences of your and only your choice.

There is a good expression in Spiritual Economics: “Let your “yes” be really “yes” and your “no” really be “no.” Whatever is added to this is from the evil one” (NRT, Matt. 5:37). In your life you have to make decisions. If you are looking for excuses and justifications, looking for tips from others, then you are abdicating all responsibility.

What are the advantages

The benefits of taking responsibility for your life:

Independent goal setting and achievement. Awareness of your strengths and capabilities gives you an incentive to take a step towards your desires. For example, you want to eat healthy, but you complain about the lack of time and the high cost of food. Now you can set a goal to earn more or spend less on unnecessary little things in order to order a ready-made menu or buy the desired red fish and avocado.
Self confidence. Nothing gives you more self-confidence than realizing that in most cases you are in control of the situation. For example, you do not depend on your husband or parents for money. You are always able to pay for your own needs and you do not need to report to anyone.
Controlling uncertainty. When a person is characterized by infantility, he is dependent on external factors, people and their mood. By taking responsibility for yourself, you take control of your circumstances. For example, there is a crisis in the country and there will definitely be reductions at work. But you are not afraid of what it will affect you and how you will live later. You yourself begin to prudently look for a new job and learn new skills. You are independent.
Creating healthy and harmonious relationships. A person who is responsible for himself can calmly say “no” to all those people and relationships that are toxic for him and do not bring him satisfaction. For example, you cannot leave a job you hate because you have children and no other sources of income. You live and think that circumstances are against you. In fact, if you think about it, you can study online courses, create a financial cushion and leave calmly. It's all about approach and purpose. You either decide for yourself, or they do it for you, and you just live to the fullest.

Our course “Your own psychologist” will help you better understand yourself and your needs. You will also be able to learn more about how different types of people think and build harmonious relationships with them.

How to get rid of the victim mentality?

What if, having realized the need to take responsibility for your entire life, you set out to get rid of the victim mentality once and for all?

This task is not an easy one, but it is quite doable if you are ready to seriously work on yourself.

MF is not just a character trait, such as introversion or increased emotionality. This is a fundamental part of your perception, and it will not be easy to get rid of it. Even if your victim mentality only manifests itself in certain areas of your life, such as relationships with people, it actually permeates your entire life, which makes it very difficult to get rid of it.

In addition, the MF functions and manifests itself without your knowledge, on a subconscious level, dictating a certain perception within which you react and act. Therefore, in order to get rid of the victim mentality, you will have to not only catch its manifestations on a conscious level, but also work on working on it on a subconscious level.

To get rid of MF, you need to carefully and completely shovel your inner world and throw out from your subconscious everything that formed it and continues to indulge it - your childhood traumas and grievances that you still have not let go of, your limiting beliefs, your inflated sense of self importance, your ideas about justice and injustice, your expectations about other people and much more.

For this work you need to use your subconscious. If you work only on a conscious level, you simply will not get to such deep-seated things as, for example, a charge of grievances and traumas from deep childhood.

In addition, your internal limitations are closely intertwined with each other. For example, limiting beliefs are caused by certain traumatic episodes, and episodes are created by pre-existing beliefs.

Therefore, it is pointless to try to pull out some individual emotions or beliefs from your mind and try to work with them - you need to work through everything comprehensively.

We need a system that would allow us to work through our entire subconscious and eliminate from there everything that forces you to perceive, think and react like a victim.

There is such a system, and it’s called Turbo Gopher .

How to understand that you are not in control of your life

The expression “living someone else’s life” is very suitable here. Yes exactly. A person lives, but not the way he really would like. He does everything according to practice, adopts other people’s behavioral scenarios and is subject to constant influence from the outside.

Characteristic signs that this life is not yours:

Constant desire to criticize. An annoying careerist friend or sister who got married early and immediately gave birth to three children and is constantly on maternity leave. You evaluate them and find flaws in their lives. In fact, there is envy lurking here. Because they live as they want, but you feel that you cannot realize yourself enough and don’t know what to do in life.
Everything is boring. Nothing makes you happy: not a new dress, not a trip abroad, not meeting friends. Nothing. You do not get joy and pleasure from the events that are happening. This can lead to depression in the future.
Feeling of constant irritation. You feel anger and contempt for more successful people. The productive work of colleagues and the joyful conversations of others are annoying.
There is no desire to make plans and achieve goals. There is an idea to change something in your life for the better, but in your head you only think about the most difficult options for execution. You impose an unspoken taboo on simple solutions to your problems.
Only formalities are a priority. Success for you is only money, praise and position in society.

Of course, there are people who are happy to go with the flow. There is less demand from them and they like the position of a victim of circumstances. By the way, psychologists say that the role of a victim is a kind of drug, and individuals experience pleasure from this position.

How to set boundaries:

“What you do is your choice. What I put up with is mine.” Henry Cloud, John Townsend, "Barriers"

Remember, boundaries are “I messages.” They are not about the other person.
Expect resistance from yourself and the other person. You will have to work through your fears and likely “baggage” from childhood or previous relationships where setting boundaries was not allowed or tolerated. When you set boundaries with a psychologically unhealthy person, you may face “revenge” and punishment from him.
Give yourself permission to set boundaries, take care of yourself, and choose your own well-being. Even if you think it's selfish and you feel guilty, work through it and make a conscious choice to stick to your side. Remind yourself that this is what it means to be a mature adult.

Why you shouldn't take responsibility for others to the detriment of yourself

Living in society and creating families, people tend to take on extra responsibility. But how can you be responsible for something that is beyond your control? You can provide help and assistance if the person himself contacts you. But you can’t try to do everything for him.

For example, you can help your son get an education, but you should not drag him by the ears to a successful career. Or here’s another everyday example – an attempt to rehabilitate an alcoholic. Feed him, listen to whining about his difficult fate, take him by the hand to doctors, provide for him and wait for him to come to his senses. Nothing will change like that, you provide comfort and are responsible for it. Why should he change anything?

Do you want to drive a Tesla? Choose Tesla!

“Maria, I’m afraid to take responsibility! What should we do about it?

- clients ask somewhere in the middle of the session.

Understand the main thing: being responsible for yourself is beneficial. In some places it’s even a thrill! You no longer have to wait for your mom to buy a toy or your husband to allocate money for a phone. When you are in charge, you decide for yourself. I wanted it, I made it happen. And what we’re talking about: a new business or a new dress is the tenth thing.

Yes, becoming responsible for your life means being responsible for your actions yourself. But it's not as scary as they make it out to us. Business didn't work out? The new one will be better, taking into account the mistakes. Tired of the dress? I will sell and buy another one. I made a mistake myself - I corrected it myself, what are the problems?

Everything that is in our life depends on us. Both your own apartment with a view of the Kremlin, and a rented one-room apartment on the outskirts are OUR choice, helping to solve OUR problems. For example:

One successfully develops from the comfort zone. The refrigerator is stocked, the apartment is paid for, the person is calm and goes about his business.
The other begins to move only when it is “cooked”. When everything is fine, he lies on the couch, and when stressed, he shows amazing abilities. Naturally, he is constantly in a storm: either he will be fired from his job, or a friend will let him down, or his children will get sick.

We all know a thousand such stories:

I haven’t rested for a long time - I got sick and “rest” in the hospital;
I couldn’t decide to start my own business - I was fired from my stable job;
I got my license, but didn’t get behind the wheel – I had to take my child to specialists.

If we don't go through our lessons calmly, life will tighten the screws to focus us on what's important.

Why is responsibility for other people harmful?

There are a number of reasons for this:

You are violating other people's personal boundaries. Just come in and set your own rules. This is how you can quietly become an abuser.
Spend your time and life energy making others comfortable. Maybe you wanted to take up tennis, but instead you regularly solve all your friend’s questions.
You don’t give your mentee the opportunity to prove themselves. By making decisions for another person, you deprive him of the incentive for development and growth.

Once again: it is good to provide help, and even sometimes without consent, when it comes to life and health. It is not good to patronize an adult and healthy person from all sides. He may enjoy this situation, but why should you live someone else’s life? It’s even more dangerous if it suddenly brings you hidden joy.

There is a great quote in Spiritual Economics: “He who watches the wind will never sow, and he who watches the clouds will never reap” (NRT, Eccl. 11:4). Distribute your resources and capabilities correctly. Otherwise, solving the problems of strangers, you will not notice how your one and only life goes by.

There are three main types of boundaries:

Hard

With this type of boundaries, you have very strict rules of behavior, you tend to avoid affection and act aloof.

Entangling

A person with this type of boundaries tends to form a symbiotic relationship with someone else. You can serve both as an object, satisfying the desires and needs of a loved one, and as a receiving party, expecting that the other person will satisfy all your needs and desires.

Permeable

This is the healthiest type, in which you clearly recognize where you “end” and the other “begins.” However, you can allow someone close to you into the territory within your borders and are sensitive to moments when you can penetrate the borders of another.

A good goal is to develop strong but permeable boundaries. When you realize who you are, what your rights and responsibilities are, and at the same time allow others to be who they are without needing them to be someone else.

How to take responsibility for your life: expert advice

This is probably the most pressing request when contacting a psychologist. Believe me, you can do without a personal consultation. Domestic and world experts have long and repeatedly analyzed in detail the problem of infantilism in adults on all media platforms. Experts in the field of psychology have identified a number of recommendations to help people, following which a person learns to take responsibility for his life and be happy.

The path to your real life is this:

Stop shifting responsibility to external circumstances: born in the wrong place or in the wrong family, no time, unsuccessful marriage, etc. Look for the cause of discomfort not from the outside, but from within yourself;
acknowledge your decisions and their results to others and yourself;
do not shift responsibility onto other people: an inattentive husband, a mother who pokes her nose everywhere; do not say: “he/she is to blame”, “if it weren’t for him/her, it would have been different”, etc.;
stop finding excuses for your laziness and inaction;
there is no need to deliberately look for shortcomings in yourself and blame them for all your misfortunes.

There is a true saying in Spiritual Economics: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NRT, John 8:32). Only by taking responsibility for yourself will you see many opportunities around you. Be the master of your life, and not a slave of circumstances - feel the difference!

Our Life Navigator course will help you hear your inner self. You will learn to quickly find solutions in any life situations and live happily.

What to do when you are aware of your boundaries, but are not ready to set them

“The most difficult thing is to decide to act, the rest is just persistence. Our fears are paper tigers. You can do whatever you choose to do. Take action to change and control your life. And the process itself will be the best reward.” Amelia Earhart

Sometimes you may know what boundaries you want to set, but for some reason you're just not ready to state it.
Own your desire. Say it out loud to yourself or someone else. Record it on paper or computer.
Consider why you find it difficult to set boundaries in this particular case. Seek help if you understand that the cause is your fears, insecurities and psychological blocks.
Take small steps towards setting boundaries. Use “I messages” such as “I don’t agree with this” or “I can’t condone this.” Start voicing and honoring your truth. However, don't make threats. Borders are not threats. Just identify your desires, realizing that this is a process of your self-development. Over time, you will become stronger at setting boundaries by taking real steps to take care of yourself.

If you find that setting boundaries is difficult for you, remember that you are taking care of yourself. Treat yourself with patience and compassion, don't beat yourself up. Do not forget that it is difficult for you for a reason, in due time you will solve this problem. In fact, to help yourself, try setting a boundary like this: “I will eliminate negative self-talk and be patient with myself when making difficult decisions.”

With practice this process will become easier. Keep in mind that boundaries are for you and you don't have to become a slave to them. Don't worry about other people's opinions of them. You have your own deadlines and needs, not anyone else's. Part of the process of setting boundaries is being able to decide for yourself what you will do and when, regardless of what other people think.

“You are the author of your own life story. You have a leading role and can decide how to interact with the “cast” and other “characters”. Without realizing it, you may have allowed the events in your life to write the story for you. You didn't take intentional action to create it yourself. So what are you willing to do to love your life story and create a happy ending that you love?” (Susan K. Young).

Posted by Shari Stines, Psy.D
Source: pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2019/07/take-ownership-of-your-life-by-setting-boundaries/
Translation by Yana Tsyplakova