6 Signs You Have Empathy Problems

After a stroke, a 49-year-old man from Brazil has changed a lot. He became kind and generous - even too generous. Having met homeless children on the street, he gave them all his money. He left his office job and opened a company selling homemade fries. The business failed: the man gave away most of the food for free. It was only thanks to the close attention of his wife that the family did not plunge into debt.

It turned out that after a stroke the man had damage to the part of his brain that is responsible for controlling emotions and making decisions. He felt a desire to help - and immediately got down to business, without taking into account other factors.

It is no coincidence that the ability to empathize is considered a virtue. Without empathy, we would not be able to go beyond our own self, understand other people's emotions, or create trusting and close relationships.

Empathy also exhausts, misleads and pushes to unfair actions. Guided by the most noble feelings, we often cause harm not only to ourselves, but also to other people.

Poorly developed intuition

People often present you with surprises: they will suddenly be offended, they will betray you, or they will disappear. More than once it seemed to you that this was happening for no reason. In fact, most likely you do not feel well about others and do not notice warning signs in their behavior.

You can consider a person a good friend without noticing that he treats you superficially. You are easy to deceive, that is why there are always so many scoundrels around. People who have poorly developed empathy may themselves behave rudely, without thinking that their actions may hurt others.

You don’t know if you have that same premonition, and you don’t know how to listen to yourself.

Lack of empathy

April 05, 2022

Surely you have all heard the catchphrase: “Happiness is when you are understood.” But, unfortunately, understanding and sympathy are not always the companions of relationships between people. And then such a relationship becomes worse than loneliness. This is reminiscent of a one-goal game. One partner talks about his experiences, and the other is unable to hear and understand him.

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's place and sympathize with him. It should be noted that the level of empathy is different for all people due to various circumstances.

There are several types of empathy. It can be intellectual (rational understanding of another person’s thoughts), emotional (capturing other people’s emotions), intuitive (the ability to predict the feelings and mood of another person).

For specialists in such professions as psychologist, psychotherapist, doctor, teacher, manager, actor, the ability to sympathize and get into a position is an extremely important quality.

A complete lack of empathy may indicate serious disorders of various origins (autistic, narcissistic, psychopathic).

For example, in psychopaths, due to disruption of the normal activity of certain parts of the brain responsible for empathy, there is simply no sympathy or experience that can stop aggression.

People with narcissistic personality disorder are so enraptured by their own uniqueness that they simply have no time for empathy. They use other people for selfish purposes.

People suffering from autism are not interested in other people at all due to a disorder in the structure of mirror neurons, which should normally be excited at the moment of seeing or hearing another person.

Levels of empathy

Low level. These are indifferent people, focused only on themselves, and, as a rule, have problems communicating with other people.
Average level. Most people have an average level of empathy. They are able to hear, understand a person and provide support in a difficult situation.
High level. These are people who are able to feel other people’s emotions better than their own, and who constantly try on someone else’s problems. Due to their responsiveness and hyper-responsibility, such people often become victims of scammers and parasitic colleagues.

I don't feel sorry for you...

Why can some people understand other people's feelings and others cannot? Most often, people unable to sympathize grew up in families in which there was no opportunity to freely express their own and recognize other people's emotions. It has been scientifically proven that the ability to compassion is characteristic even of small children at 9-10 months of age. If the mother is crying, the child may look sympathetically, try to hug, kiss, etc.

Signs of low empathy:

Underdeveloped intuition. A quarrel, a break in a relationship, a betrayal are always unexpected, because a person is not able to notice the harbingers, alarm bells from people. On the other hand, he does not notice his actions, which could easily offend a person.
Suspiciousness. Such a person always seeks verbal confirmation from close people, because he does not feel what is happening: “Do you really love me?”, “Do you think this is normal?” Suspicious people tend to overthink things, make things up, and ask their friends what they think about your relationship.
Measuring another person's feelings with your own emotions. A person with reduced empathy most often has no idea about the feelings of a loved one. Therefore, unexpected breakups often occur in his life. Although, if he had been more attentive to his partner, he would have noticed the “approaching storm.”
The desire to blame a person during a quarrel. “To touch a nerve” by fashioning a whole line of the most offensive words is a characteristic feature of a person with low empathy. The concept that after a quarrel there will be bitterness of resentment is completely absent.
Lack of emotion during touching scenes. Even the most pitiful film and the funniest book will not break through the wall of indifference of a person with low empathy. Such people sincerely do not understand why a neighbor is crying in a movie theater, because it’s just fantastic.

Ways to develop empathy

Actively listen to your interlocutor. This is a very valuable skill nowadays, especially for people who abuse gadgets. It's always nice to talk to someone who can listen without interrupting and give valuable advice.
Peer into the faces of passersby. Try to understand what they feel and what they think.
Read quality fiction. These should be stories about interpersonal relationships with the disclosure and explanation of feelings. For example, Dostoevsky's works introduce the reader to the experience and contribute to understanding the motives of people's behavior.
Watch psychological films. And try to analyze what is happening. They are filmed in such a way that the viewer does not remain indifferent.
Communicate with animals. Their loyalty and gullibility can evoke not only compassion, but also a whole bouquet of the most reverent feelings.

Thus, empathy is an important quality that is the connecting link of relationships between people. Low levels of empathy and emotional coldness in relationships quite often become one of the reasons for divorce.

If this problem is close to you, it's time to change your life for the better.

At your service is a psychotherapist and psychologist-consultant - Andrey Filippov. Consultation is possible both in the office and online Mon-Fri 10:00–20:00 . The cost of qualified assistance is reasonable. Payment is possible in cash and by credit card.

Suspicious

You constantly need to hear from the person that everything is okay. Look to your friends for confirmation that your relationship with your boyfriend is normal. Decipher his actions. Even if your partner directly says that everything is fine with you, this will not completely convince you.

Such suspiciousness is again due to problems with intuition. You need facts and words because you have a problem with feelings.

Read on topic: 9 signs that you are a hypochondriac in a relationship

Why are empathic experiences needed?

The ability to empathize helps maintain dialogue with others, establish business relationships and make friends. An individual with ability fits easily into a company, but a person with limited empathy evokes only negative feelings.

From the point of view of psychologists, it is laid down from birth, when the child reads the mood of adults, facial expressions and gestures. Over time, its level begins to be influenced by social factors that can reduce empathy for another person.

Note. Residents of large cities are less susceptible to other people's feelings than people from small towns and villages. A provincial will never pass by a person in trouble and will definitely help him; a city dweller will not do this.

Development range

There are different levels - from a simple response to a complete understanding of the inner world of a stranger. Someone who has empathy shows it by:

low level – normal understanding of non-verbal signals, facial expressions and gestures, comparing them with those seen previously;
average level – the desire to recognize the emotional state and grasp the cause of the disorder, the ability to put oneself in the place of another individual;
the highest level is the ability to empathize, read strangers well, not try to take on their problems and provide quick help.

Expert opinion. In psychology, it is believed that the average level can be characteristic of most people on Earth; this is a standard feeling.

During a quarrel, you want to offend the person

You do not treat conflicts as a way to find a compromise and solve a problem. This is a fight in which you need to defend and attack. Therefore, you are not trying to convey anything specific, and certainly not listening to your partner, but only blaming. Don’t hold back your expressions and don’t think that words spoken in anger will affect the relationship after you make peace.

If you want to build healthy communication with others, you will have to learn how to conflict correctly. Express your opinion, talk about your own emotions, without attacking your interlocutor.

From empathy to rational compassion

Mathieu Ricard is called “the happiest man on earth.” A Buddhist monk and former doctor of molecular biology has become the subject of pioneering research into the effects of meditation on the brain.

In one experiment, he was asked to look at photographs and empathize with the suffering of the people who were depicted in them. “The empathic resonance very quickly became unbearable for me. I felt emotionally exhausted,” admitted Ricard. Then he came out of this state and focused on the feelings of love and care.

Instead of simply reflecting the other person's pain, love and compassion meditation activated completely different parts of the brain.

Researcher Tanya Singer from the Society. Max Planck repeated this study on 60 volunteers who were not monks. In the first group, participants developed a sense of empathy for others, and in the second, they practiced meditation on love and compassion.

Participants from the first group experienced more stress and negative emotions - the difference was noticeable after just eight hours of training. Compassion meditation quelled empathic stress and cultivated a sense of caring and willingness to help others.

True altruism has little to do with emotional empathy, many researchers believe.

Empathy quickly depletes, limits our circle of concern to one person and pushes us to ineffective decisions. Intense feelings are a poor guide when it comes to moral choices.

So, in a study by Daniel Batson, participants were told about a ten-year-old girl named Sheri Summers with a terminal illness - she was waiting in line for treatment that was supposed to reduce her pain. Participants were then asked to move the girl to the front of the line. When they were simply asked if it was worth doing, they refused - after all, there are other children who need help. But if participants were first asked to imagine how Sheri was feeling, they decided that she was the one worth helping. Compassion turned out to be stronger than justice.

“Sadness must be curbed by all means to make the world a better place,” writes Oxford philosopher and ethicist William MacAskill. Calculation, not empathy, is what is needed if we truly want to help others. It's easy to feel like a noble altruist. It is much more difficult to bring real benefits to people.

Emotions are a poor assistant in the fulfillment of altruistic impulses. Sometimes noble intentions cause great harm.

Donations to Africa support oppressive regimes. Overprotective parents raise neurotic children who are incapable of adulthood. Wars and conflicts are fueled by compassion for the victims.

Reckless empathy for a few can lead to disastrous consequences for all. But while empathy has its limits, it certainly shouldn't be abandoned entirely.

After traveling around the world on the Beagle, Charles Darwin became a staunch opponent of slavery. According to the modern theories of his time, whites and blacks had different origins: the blacks occupied an intermediate level between man and animal, and were treated accordingly.

Before the voyage, Darwin, like many Victorian gentlemen, thought this was quite fair. Only when he himself saw the suffering and humiliation of slaves did his opinion change - he began to consider slavery a disgusting and vile phenomenon. With the help of rationality he would hardly have been able to reach this conclusion.

You measure everything with your emotions

If everything suits me, then everything suits him too - typical thinking of a bad empath. Such a person projects his emotions onto everything and does not allow the thought that others may feel completely differently. Therefore, for those who are weak in empathy, their partners always suddenly run away, although everything was fine. In reality, such situations are rarely unexpected. If you feel your partner, you will hardly not notice that he is unhappy.

When there is too much compassion

The ability to share other people's emotions can become an unbearable burden. Highly empathic people and specialists in helping professions - nurses, doctors and psychotherapists - are well aware of this.

A specialist in the field of rehabilitation programs, Mark Stebnicki, introduced the concept of “empathic fatigue.” Constantly dealing with the grief and loss of others, people experience burnout—feelings of emptiness, physical exhaustion, and loss of interest in life.

Studies of nurses have shown that “compassion fatigue” leads to absenteeism and frequent medication errors.

The hypothesis that empathy encourages altruism has been studied for many years by American sociologist Professor Daniel Batson. “Empathy helps break down the boundaries between one person and another, it opposes selfishness and indifference,” he argues. But the reserves of empathy are not limitless. Fortunately, you don't have to share their emotions to help another person. Much often, a more productive step is to curb your feelings and look at the situation from the outside.

When compassion goes too far, we stop thinking about other people - we are too concerned about our own suffering. For empathy to be useful, it must be contained and directed in the right direction.

One day in Nepal, a young woman named Sita came to me for consultation. Her sister just committed suicide. She was haunted by guilt for not being able to prevent this. Unable to concentrate on anything, she cried for days on end, and when the tears stopped, she fell into a stupor.
During one of our sessions, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “Do you know what it’s like to lose a sister? I won't survive this. Since I was born, we lived in the same bedroom, we did everything together. I couldn't hold her."
Her suffering was so intense that it took me by surprise. I remembered the suicide of my sixteen-year-old cousin. I had to make a huge effort to pull myself together and not burst into tears. The depth of emotional resonance completely amazed me. But I knew that if I cried with Sita, I would not be able to help her.
I managed to calm down and stop thinking about my pounding heart, my eyes blurred with tears, and suppress the memory of my brother. Finally, when the intensity of emotions had subsided, I said to Sita: “I understand your grief. I really understand you. But you are not alone. I also lost a cousin at almost the same age as you. I know how hard it is. But I understood and accepted the fact that there was no way I could stop it. It is not my fault. This pain can be overcome.”
She suddenly raised her head and looked straight into my eyes to see if I was telling the truth. Much to my surprise, she stood up and hugged me, muttering, “I’ll try. Thank you".
From the book “Altruism: The Power of Compassion to Change Yourself and the World” by Mathieu Ricard

Is it good to always empathize with everyone in everything?

Empathy combines positive and negative influences. Being open and sympathetic is beneficial - such people quickly move up the career ladder, smooth out conflicts, and help their neighbors. Such people are less likely to be deceived; they are able to maintain friendly relations for a long time in any situation.

Other advantages include the following:

overcoming the psychological defense of the interlocutor;
a broad understanding of the lives of others;
a rich emotional response to the suffering of others;
development of one's own personality and moral values.

Despite the obvious advantages in everyday life, empathetic individuals also encounter the negative side of empathy. They are subject to constant stress and anxiety, have difficulty accepting tragic incidents, and these people are characterized by moral suffering and rapid burnout. Empaths struggle every day to maintain their inner balance and experience difficulties:

often supporting others, empaths do not receive a response;
empathic people are often susceptible to depression, experience moral exhaustion, and emotional instability;
Excessive empathy is contraindicated for some professions, such as doctors.

Important. Empathy can be misleading, take away your last strength and contribute to wrong actions. Even the most noble intentions often cause harm to others.

In order not to plunge headlong into the inner world of others and not waste energy on overcoming other people's difficulties, empaths must first of all do good not for others, but for themselves.

Boundaries and empathy

One of the highest barriers to empathy (and one of the least talked about) is our inability to set boundaries for ourselves and hold others accountable. Understanding the relationship between boundaries, responsibility, acceptance and compassion helps you become kinder. Being nice on the outside but angry, judgmental and resentful on the inside is not kindness. We need to be less judgmental and indignant about others and take limitations much more seriously.

Many people who are truly compassionate set boundaries for themselves.

The point is that empathy is based on acceptance. The more fully we accept ourselves and those around us, the more compassionate we become. Yes, it is difficult to accept others for who they are when they hurt us, take advantage of us, or treat us badly. If we truly want to learn to empathize with others, we need to start setting limits and understanding that people are responsible for their actions.

Our culture is based on guilt - we want to know who is to blame and how he will pay for it. That's why:

In personal relationships, social and political spheres, we yell and point fingers, but we rarely hold people, including ourselves, accountable. After all, we are too angry and indignant, and we do not have the strength to draw reasonable conclusions and follow them through life.
We are busy blaming others furiously for all their sins, and this righteous anger leaves no room for compassion.

Wouldn't it be better if we were kinder but tougher? Wouldn't life be different if there was less anger and more responsibility? What would change in our homes and at work if we were less judgmental of others and more respectful of the boundaries and manifestations of others’ “I”?