Siblings are... Definition of the concept, features

• November 19, 2018
• Child psychology
• Yulia Abdulbarova

You may have come across this concept while studying psychological or anthropological literature. The question arises: who are siblings? The answer is extremely simple: the term refers to brothers and sisters. In the article we will analyze why it was introduced, what kinds of siblings there are, how family relationships are built between them, and what conflicts are possible.

Application of the term in science

In psychology, siblings are the same brothers and sisters. Many scientific terms in this field are associated with this concept:

• Sibling rivalry or competition.
• Sibling conflict.
• Sibling status.
• Sibling subsystem, etc.

What is a sibling system? This refers to the system of relationships between brothers and sisters in a family.

A similar term has a place in genetics. This is the name given to the descendants of one pair of parents, both human and animal. However, here they are more often called sibs.

My experience with siblings at school

Siblings studying together in the same class are not a common occurrence. The difficulty of working with such children depends, first of all, on their upbringing and character.

If both or one of the brothers or sisters grow up capricious, demanding and not taught to respect adults, then they may behave at school the same way as at home. The teacher will have to resolve controversial situations when one of the siblings has better handouts, a place at the desk, or a portion in the cafeteria.

Particular attention should be paid to siblings who compete even when they face common difficulties, for example, they cannot establish contact with classmates. You must inform your parents and psychologist about this. If necessary, he will diagnose the siblings' attachment and analyze their interpersonal relationships.

The most important way a teacher can help is to organize a preventive conversation with parents and a psychologist who will explain siblings - what it means and what are the features of upbringing and communication with them.

In other cases, it is worth giving children the opportunity to solve their problems themselves. If acute situations do not arise in the family or they are resolved immediately, then the siblings do not show their rivalry at school.

What could they be?

Siblings are brothers and sisters. In science, several categories are distinguished:

• Full siblings. They have common parents.
• Half-siblings. There is only one common parent - mother or father. Here, we will additionally distinguish half-brothers - those who have a common mother, and half-blooded - those who have the same father. In relation to the category of half-siblings, a similar term is sometimes used - “half-sibling”.

Siblings are categories of relatives who can also differ in gender and age, and in relative gender and age. This to some extent depends on national traditions.

For example, among Slavic peoples, siblings are brothers (boys) and sisters (girls). Previously, they also differed in birth order - there were first-borns (first-borns), as well as second-borns, third-borns, quarters, etc.

In modern times, the order of birth of children in a family remains important, for example among the Kachins. There will be kam, naung, la, tu, etc. The Chinese actually divide siblings by relative age. Di is the younger brother, and Xiong is the elder.

Among the Kwakiutl, siblings are separated by relative sex. What does it mean? A sibling of the same sex with a particular subject is called vihu-yaks. If it is a person of the opposite sex - vivaukvah.

What a parent should NOT do in the event of sibling conflict

• Take the side of any of the siblings.
• Assess the child’s behavior (you are acting badly, you are behaving incorrectly, etc.).
• Focus on small squabbles.
• Ignore physical and emotional bullying.
• Offer various actions to regulate the conflict without listening to the children themselves.
• Tell strangers or school teachers or relatives about your family situation.
• Expect from children that they will definitely grow up to be friends (so you can’t quarrel, you are “brothers”).

Character Formation

Siblings are brothers and sisters. There is an opinion in society that the order of their birth has a certain influence on the personality of children. For example, firstborns are most often leaders and responsible people. The youngest children are the favorites of the family, so sometimes they grow up to be selfish. But these are just everyday observations that are not confirmed by scientific facts. Researchers have not yet decided which character traits are influenced by the birth order of children.

But this does not mean that siblings do not influence each other's personalities. Siblings close in age are often characterized by disidentification. Siblings try to be different from each other, consciously or unconsciously. They develop their own identity, different character traits, and choose different hobbies and interests. For example, if the older sister is passionate about music, then the younger brother will try to find himself in a completely different field. Let's say in sports.

The same goes for character traits. If one child loves a quiet lifestyle and spending time at home, then the second grows up to be a daredevil, an adventurer. And an interesting fact. Disidentification between older and younger children is typical for families with two children. In large families, it is observed between siblings of the same sex.

Depth Jungian psychotherapy

Theories serve not only as models of how the psyche works, but also as maps indicating what should be noted: what is important and what is accidental; what is signal and what is noise. Even the best theories are not free from an unconscious tendency to exclude data outside its scope. If there is no theory guiding us, we do not pay attention to what we cannot see. As a result, many patient records do not report the sibling's status at all. In my clinical practice, I am constantly surprised by how often patients talk about previous treatments and avoid sibling conflict. A middle-aged woman explained: “I would like to talk to my analyst about a problem I have in my relationship with my brother. But he insisted that the real problem was my sexual fantasies about my parents." Another woman described how she had previously consulted with a therapist: “we never discussed the fact that I had a twin or my problematic relationship with that twin and yet... being one of the twins had an impact on all other relationships in my life, and is the central starting point in the development of any unresolved conflicts." I wondered whether these examples were the result of neglect, counter-bias, or whether these analysts had developed such attitudes based on their wounds from their own sibling experiences.

In The Primitive Edge of Experience , Thomas Ogden illustrated the clinical story of a twenty-three-year-old college graduate whose relationship with her brother was as if he were “just another tenant in a boarding house.” This patient was treated by Ogden, and yet, strangely, he never conceptualized her lack of emotional connection with him in the context of the transference relationship with her sibling. Moreover, he admitted that he “often forgot that the patient had a brother.” Imagine the analyst forgetting that the patient had a mother! When the therapist takes notes on birth order or sibling dynamics, he lacks a theory regarding the role that siblings may play in mental life.

Donald Winnicott's famous account of the treatment of a little girl named Gabrielle, known as "The Piggle," serves as an example. The case concerns the emotional shock of a baby at the birth of his younger sister. After more than a year and a half of treatment, the mother wrote to Winnicott: “At the time of [sister] Suzanne’s birth, my fears were very strong - had I forgotten to tell you that I had a brother? I was very indignant at his birth, and he was born when I was exactly the same age as Gabriel when Suzanne was born.” Winnicott neglected to ask the mother if she had any siblings, although it is now widely believed that parents may unconsciously repeat their own problematic sibling experiences with their children. Winnicott makes no comment about the mother's dramatic revelation, which also did not affect the treatment.

Winnicott is widely regarded as one of the world's most prolific thinkers, but he can't seem to think about siblings, even when Piggle insists on being called by her little sister's name. As time passes, it seems to us that Suzanne probably played the role of a “shadow sibling” for Pigley. The shadow sibling receives a projection of everything that is unwanted or unacceptable to the person himself. He is both envied and hated for the same qualities.

Consequently, the shadow sibling is the opposite of the ideal brother, a compensatory negative and unconscious image. These shadow images can have an intense but hidden influence on the relationship with the actual sibling when it is not different from the real one.

Elsewhere, Winnicott did draw attention to how the birth of a younger brother or sister may provide an opportunity for an older child to gain experience by which hatred of a sibling may in time be transformed into brotherly love (and also into the understanding that parents - still love each other). This may well be true, but note that Winnicott conceptualizes the sibling experience solely from the perspective of the firstborn.

This transformation of hatred into love certainly seems to apply to Piglet-Gabrieli, whose mother wrote at the end of treatment: “Gabrielle is very close to Suzanne, holds her in her arms with great care, grooms her, often mediates between her and us. We're amazed at how often she wins her over with a distraction rather than a direct attack. Although sometimes she explodes and helplessly succumbs to jealousy, and Suzanne cannot understand anything. The other day, in the midst of a bitter struggle, she suddenly kissed Suzanne and said: “But I still like you.” Suzanne has completely different reactions: she looks at Gabrielle every now and then, ardently and mercilessly trying to destroy her superiority.”

Research shows that Gabrielle's experience is fairly typical. Initial frustration (usually expressed as aggression directed towards the mother and less often towards the child) gradually turns into strong communication.

Such a cultural fantasy promotes a deep sense of intimacy, derived from the combination of kinship and eros, in the person of one, well-known person. Mythology around the world describes many examples of marriages between sister and brother. The most famous are Zeus and Hera in Greek mythology, Isis and Osiris in Egyptian, Izanami and Izanagi in Japanese tradition, or Fusi and Nuwa in China. Jean Cocteau's classic "The Spoiled Child" (Les Enfants Terribles) presents an innocent case of childhood incest that ends very badly. The archetypal image of the beloved brother/sister also appears to be central to ancient Egyptian love poetry: “I found my brother in my bed. // My heart rejoices beyond measure. My sister’s mouth is a rosebud // Her chest is incense.” The Song of Songs gives poetic expression to this unique intimacy: “Ah, why are you not my brother, suckled at my mother’s breast!” (Song of Songs 8:01; JB), and in return, “My sister, my promised bride, you have stolen my heart” (Song of Songs 4:09; JB) The verses give a symbolic expression of this “internal marriage” with the ideal sibling.

Perhaps in its most poignant form this tradition concerns the story of Adam and Eve. In most English versions of the Bible, Adam, the first man , was created before Eve, who was then constructed from his tzela. The Hebrew word "tzela" is usually translated as "rib" but can equally mean "side". In fact, in the Hebrew text of the Bible the word "tzela" appears thirty-nine times and in the vast majority of cases it means "side." If we follow the Hebrew tradition, which reads Adam's tzela as "side", then Adam was not a man. He was first created as an androgynous Siamese twin, in which the male and female halves were joined together - on both sides. This interpretation resolves the apparent contradiction in the second creation story in Genesis 5:1-2, which clearly states: male and female He created them. The view of the bisexual, unrequited state reflects the Jungian view of the psyche as containing both the feminine and the masculine in a primal unity, prior to the division of consciousness into opposites. Fatal divine surgery separated the male and female halves. As a result, Adam and Eve, brother and sister, were able to turn around, come out of the shadows and see each other for the first time, face to face. The tension between the known and the unknown, the breeding ground of love, is movingly expressed in Adam's cry when he recognized Eve: “This time, it's her! Bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh” (2:23). This powerful Siamese twin tradition clearly indicates that, according to the Hebrew version of creation, the natural, original state of humanity is for brother and sister to become husband and wife.

When an internal situation is not conscious, externally it appears as the finger of fate. K.G. Jung

Jung on Brothers and Sisters

Jung did understand the psychological importance of the sibling archetypes. In Answer to Job, he wrote: “Yahweh had one good son and one bad one. Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, correspond to these prototypes, and so, in all times and in all parts of the world, there is the hostile brother motif, which, in countless modern variants, still causes discord in modern families and gives the psychotherapist work.”

Emma Jung gave two lectures on the "brother motive" at the Psychology Club in Zurich, which were lost (sad synchronicity). Jungian psychology draws much of its inspiration from mythology and fairy tales, where tales of siblings and tension abound. For example, in the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, the youngest son, who at first glance seems like a despised simpleton, emerges as the victorious hero 92% of the time. Symbolically, it is interpreted as representing an undervalued, repressed aspect of the personality. Edward Edinger, author of The Bible and the Psyche: Individuation Symbolism in the Old Testament, wrote that the twins Jacob and Esau represent the division in the psyche between “ego and shadow and ego and self.” Siblings in dreams and fantasies are also understood as symbols of various parts of the personality, usually the anima, animus, or shadow. Mario Jacobi did discuss the difference between the external and internal sister in relation to sleep. John Beebe, who initiated the first readings in memory of Ernest Fay (Fay Lectures), writes of his archetypal sibling countertransference as "the transference to a brother, a fellow sufferer, to enjoy a reprieve from the difficulties of growing up, and as a model for the animus, correlated with certain creative aspects personality...experience of the Self...[as] an organ of acceptance." Jung and the Jungians understood the mythical power behind the sister and brother archetypes. But what is the basis of the concepts of “being a sister” and “having a brother”? What is the very essence of the archetypal experience of sisters and brothers?

William-Adolphe_Bouguereau_(1825-1905). Two Sisters (1901)…Virtually every biological system showing a close relationship between genetically close relatives inevitably contains a shift in the balance between the incentives for selfishness and for altruism.

Chapter 2 Sibling Archetype: The Cooperation-Competition Continuum

As a psychologist and anthropologist, I am often struck by the contrast in how siblings are treated in each discipline. Psychology, and especially depth psychology, emphasizes conscious and unconscious conflicts in the context of "child rivalry", "debunking" or even shifting marital conflicts towards what are called Oedipal kinship triangles. On the other hand, in anthropology, brothers are viewed much more positively as the main social "glue" that holds society together. In some places, the union of brothers and sisters is a basic metaphor for how society works. Looking at the whole picture, we can state: brothers and sisters, no matter how much they fight among themselves, must unite to repel an external threat. As the Arabic proverb says: “I am against my brother, my brother and I are against my cousin, my cousin, brother and I are against the whole world.”

Jung taught that every archetype has two opposite poles. The Great Mother represents all the loving and fertile aspects of Mother Earth, as well as the devouring, destructive, regressive dragon: both Mother Mary and Medusa. Additionally, we can view the brother/sister archetype as having opposite poles. At the negative end of the continuum is rivalry, hatred and murderous rage, based on the chronic conflict of dominance and hierarchy depicted in many of the Brothers Grimm's fairy tales, in the stories of Romulus and Remus, Set and Osiris, or the three sisters in Shakespeare's King Lear. Evolutionary biologists have noted conditions when fratricide is expected: "When there are insufficient available resources for the offspring of one generation to survive (or there is a likelihood of resource insufficiency), competition between children can become fatal..." In the animal kingdom, the murderous aggressiveness of siblings is exemplified by packs hyenas, led by a female chosen for her ability to mercilessly kill her own twin sister. Even Medea, before killing her children, killed her brother.

A similar fratricide is described in the Book of Judges, chapter 9, where Abimelech kills seventy of his brothers on the way to establishing a brutal dictatorship. Similarly, the Turkish Sultan Mohammed II kept all the royal brothers and sisters in cages until an heir was produced, after which all the brothers were strangled with a special silk cord. My brother is my killer.

Anna Quindlen provides a poignant definition of the relationship with a brother obsessed with hatred: “The most vivid emotion of my childhood, which I can awaken even now, was hatred of my brother Bob. True, the word “hate”, simple and powerful, like a punch in the stomach, does not even come close to reflecting the feeling that I remember... A virtual spectrum of negative emotions - contempt, disgust, disdain - this is how I remember my life with my brother... There is something so pure and uncompromising in this feeling, like the taste of lemon or the prick of a thorn. In fact, it's almost pleasant when you think about it, in my modern world, where I've learned to cut the rough edges of experience, to be ambivalent, to be ambiguous, to compromise. I hated him. Oh, how I hated him. I can already tell this story because I now love my brother as fiercely as I once hated him.”

On the positive side, there is deep solidarity, closeness and unity with a loved one, shown in the stories of Hansel and Gretel, Apollo and Artemis, Castor and Pollux, Isis and Osiris, the twins in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. In the same savannah, like hyenas and their eternal rivals, there is a true sisterhood. Lion prides are organized around a group of sisters (and other female relatives); male lions may come and go, but the pride continues to operate as a cooperative, a viable sisterhood of lionesses. I think our lives as siblings play out on this “cooperation-competition continuum.” We can probably learn more about loyalty and competition from our sisters and brothers than from anyone else. As one sister put it, “I don't understand how people learn to live in peace if they haven't had brothers and sisters... Everything I've learned about negotiation, territoriality, coexistence, hostility, innate differences, and loving despite knowledge is all me I learned four from them: Bob, Mike, Kevin and Teresa. They were my universe in many ways, even more so than my parents.”

Typology of relationships between siblings

There are several theoretical underpinnings for discussing the quality of kinship relationships. One classification is based on the type of relationship that exists between siblings: intimate (deeply dedicated “best friends”); congenial (warm care, but sometimes irritation is expressed or they are competitive “good friends”); loyal (“blood is not water” – offer help when necessary); apathetic (“never close, even in childhood”); hostile (keeps a distance from deep feelings of anger and resentment). In their groundbreaking book The Sibling Bond, Bank and Kahn developed a more detailed typology of “Patterns of Sibling Identification and Relationships.” This structure is based on the degree of identification (close, partial, distant) and types of relationships. They distinguish eight basic patterns on the cooperation-competition continuum, ranging from complete fusion to unspeakable hostility:

Fused twins : “We are as one, we are the same. There is no difference between us."

Blurry Merge : “I'm not sure who I am. Maybe I can be like you."

Ideal Hero Worship : “I admire you so much that I want to become like you.”

Interdependence, Loyal Acceptance : “You and I are alike in many ways. We should always take care of each other, despite our differences."

Dynamic independence, constructive dialectic : “We are similar, but different. This presents a challenge and creates growth opportunities for both of us.”

Hostile dependence, destructive dialectic : “We are different in many ways. We don't look much alike, but we need each other anyway."

Rigid differentiation, polarized refusal : “You are so different from me. I don’t want to depend on you and I never want to become like you.”

Renunciation, de-identification : “We are completely different from each other. I don’t need you, I don’t like you and I don’t care if I never see you again.”

Contemporary Israeli author Benjamin Tammuz describes an extreme case of the shadow brother, illustrating fused twins: I always wanted everything that my brother had, and all my life I envied him and tried to imitate him... Did I even exist? Was it possible that I was just a dream about my brother?

Leo Tolstoy's early relationship with his brother, Sergei, may serve as an example of a blurred fusion. Tolstoy wrote: “I copied him. I loved him. I wanted to be him."

The greatest tragedy is that too often brothers and sisters take different emotional positions towards each other. One may be an example of idealization, while another of de-identification, another of hostile dependence, while his sibling tries to unite with him. Siblings often find themselves engaged in a complex and hurtful dance of intimacy. Only if siblings are interdependent or dynamically independent can they achieve a happy balance. Sibling relationships are far from static and can change dynamically. As we will see in the next chapter, Cain moves from initial mutual dependence, faithful acceptance, to hostile dependence, and then to polarized refusal and finally renunciation, ending up in a de-identifying relationship with his brother, Abel.

Our families are like home; you get a room that is not yet occupied.

Family niches, polarized identities and debunking.

Sisters and brothers share more in common than any other human being, both in terms of genetic heritage and home environment. They have many similarities both in nature and in education. One would expect siblings to be extremely similar. However, behavioral geneticists have discovered that siblings are no more similar to each other than strangers. “Why are children in the same family so different from each other?”

In my opinion, the most compelling answer to this question comes from Frank Sulloway's Born to Rebel: BirthOrder, Family Dynamics and Creative Lives. Salloway explains the striking differences between siblings using the analogy of ecological niches in evolutionary biology, such as Darwin's finches.

Brothers and sisters both live and do not live in the same family. The firstborn in a family has the opportunity to choose any niche and most of them choose a niche that is typical for firstborns. The second child enters the family when at least one niche is already occupied and he must look for another available niche. If the firstborn's niche is occupied, he will have to look elsewhere. If, for reasons of temperament, disability or illness, the older sibling does not fill the firstborn's niche, that niche becomes available to the one born later, who can now develop the "commanding" characteristics of a typical firstborn. The relationship between siblings will be largely determined by the relative position of the occupied niches in the family system. Each brother also receives a different set of parents who differ in age, experience, wealth, or happiness at the time of each child's birth. To paraphrase Heraclitus: “You can never enter the same family twice.”

When niches are mutually exclusive, each sibling develops a "polarized identity" towards the other. If one is bad, then the other will be good; if one sister is considered beautiful, the other will become studious, perhaps to hide the fact that she feels ugly; if he is his mother's favorite, then the other will be his father's favorite or no one's favorite. Each sibling is formed in the shadow of the other: the identity of one becomes the negative identity of the other. Unconsciously, such a polarized identity takes the form: “I am not what you are.” Polarization will be most extreme for “high-access siblings,” similar in age and gender, who have the greatest need to differentiate from each other.

The niche of firstborns places them closer to parental values, to embody and carry out parental expectations and, therefore, to higher achievements. Salloway explains why firstborns are more likely to exhibit anger and vindictiveness:

Firstborns have more reason to be jealous of their siblings than those born later. Every firstborn child starts life with 100% parental contribution. Those born later share parental contributions from the very beginning. Thus, the reduction in parental care associated with a new sibling never causes the same degree of distress that comes with having a new child. Parents may try to discourage jealousy, and first-born children can often suppress this feeling. However, when parents are not looking, the firstborn's display of rage can be an effective way of intimidating younger siblings... Siblings, to the chagrin of their parents, are often obsessed with questions of distributive justice ("Who got more?") as a way of re-evaluating their parents' investments.

Because they are identified with the established order, firstborns tend to be more conservative, more likely to assert their power, and less open to new experiences. Younger children come into homes with other children and therefore tend to have better social and interpersonal skills. They are more open to experiences, travel, new ideas and revolutionary ideologies that involve overthrowing the established order. Younger children have the luxury of not having to grow up when another child is born. At the same time, there is a danger that they will never mature or overcome their identity as a “child” in the eyes of their older siblings.

Unlike Salloway, Alfred Adler argued that, under certain conditions, the youngest child with a strong desire for power and the ability to express himself may be the most successful sibling. Such younger overachievers can only succeed when the firstborn's traditionally achievement-oriented niche is not well filled, as was the case with King David's most successful "little brother" in Scripture. The prelude to his famous battle with Goliath (I Samuel 17:12-58) provides a classic exchange of dynamics between older and younger brothers. Elijah, the firstborn, suddenly sees David on the battlefield and says: “Why have you come here? He said. “In whose care did you leave those few sheep out there in the desert? I know your insolence and your evil heart; You came to watch the battle. “David answered: “What have I done? I don't even have the right to speak? “(I Sam 17:28-9, JB).

The older brother is domineering and puts the other down while the younger brother fights for recognition and status. In biblical sibling psychology, one of the central conflicts arises between the fixed hierarchy of siblings (“I am first and don’t forget about it!”) and flexible sibling equality (“We brothers and sisters are all equal and we are together”). In general, firstborns benefit the most from hierarchy; Later born ones tend to insist on sibling equality, or even overthrow the established order in the family. The worst cases of sibling violence arise around the conflict between hierarchy and sibling equality. If equality is not achieved, the problem may become intractable. A good example is Salloway's study of the biographies of scientific pioneers, which showed that firstborns such as Newton and Leibniz fought bitterly and endlessly for priority, while later children such as Darwin and Wallace almost always quietly compromised.

Older brothers and sisters cannot be the only owners of wild fantasies. Moses, like David after him, is another example of a successful younger brother. In his sublimated desire to overthrow the established Egyptian order based on the right of inheritance, Moses literally fulfills the vengeful fantasies of his younger brother when (with God's help) all the Egyptian firstborn children die in the tenth and final plague. Symbolically, this Tenth Plague demonstrates the younger child's vengeance, directed not only at the older brother, but against the very principle of primogeniture, in which the eldest son was most favored simply because of their birth order.

The idea of ​​niches also helps explain the sibling psychology of an only child. An only child embodies parental expectations for both sexes, and thus should be symbolically perceived as both a “son” and a “daughter.” Such a child occupies several niches at the same time. As a result, such a child is likely to display both masculine and feminine characteristics. Only children can be lonely: they have no one with whom to share the inner world of childhood, learn lessons from taking turns or pacifying aggression, but this is not always the case. At the other end of the life cycle, the only child in the family often has difficulty caring for elderly parents and has no one to share this burden with. But from Jung's point of view, the key element is that in the absence of real siblings, they can compensate and develop deeper relationships with their inner siblings, imaginary companions they meet in play, dreams, active imagination, etc. Only children who have a strong connection with these inner siblings will never feel truly alone. The only children who cannot imagine this experience existential loneliness in a world without siblings and with excessive attachment to their parents. Some of the most powerful dreams I have ever heard were those involving the sibling of an only child. Thomas Moore tells a dream about a woman getting married. Her brother intended to ruin the wedding because he was in love with her. At the same time, she did not have a brother in the outside world. Helen Brammer, an English Jungian analyst currently working in Toronto, talks about how these "night brothers and sisters" take their place in our psychic family. She also wonders whether brothers carry the same emotional significance for women as sisters do for men.

Niches may also help explain the effects of older siblings' gender influence on younger siblings. A boy with an older brother(s) tends to be more "masculine" (and also more likely to become gay); a girl with an older sister(s) tends to be more feminine.

In a metaphorical sense, siblings often share the psychological space they share in the family environment. As we will see, this separation can take many forms, some more destructive, some more benign. In Greek mythology, Zeus forcefully but successfully shares the world with his brothers Poseidon and Hades. Each brother is the absolute ruler of his own domain, be it Olympus, the oceans, or the underworld. When psychological space is divided according to the either/or principle (“what is yours is not mine”), then the brother or sister becomes the shadow of the sibling, as mentioned above. Shadow sisters or shadow brothers divide the world between themselves and then prohibit the other from entering their psychological territory. Dividing the world and allowing others to enter their psychological territory makes siblings unconsciously dependent on each other for the sake of the ultimate sense of wholeness. The shadow brother is envied and hated for the qualities that you deny yourself. The result of this polarization is that certain attributes, personal qualities and characteristics are declared "out of bounds" and "out of bounds" in other siblings. Since fraternal identity is based on polarization, entering their realm is perceived as a kind of symbolic invasion or even, a declaration of psychic war. “If I am a smart sister, I can never be beautiful. By trying to be beautiful, I have to encroach on my sister's territory. If I never invade her psychic territory, I will never encounter the beautiful side of myself, and I will live a life cut off from it, just as my sister will never connect with her own intellect.” To live within polarized identities is to live in a world of fragmentation.

The article is abbreviated, it is in full here.

Correction of taste habits

Despite the phenomenon of disidentification, brothers and sisters of approximately the same age tend to copy each other’s lifestyle and taste habits.

For example, economists from Duke University found that in families where an older brother or sister is obese, the risk of the younger child becoming overweight increases 5 times. It does not matter whether the parents have any weight abnormalities. This confirms the fact that siblings tend to copy each other’s taste habits.

But the age difference also matters. We can take as an example the same analysis of the problem of excess weight in children. During research by a working group at the University of Michigan (USA), led by professor and pediatrician Julia Luming, an interesting fact was discovered. If a child has a sibling before he reaches 5 years of age, this reduces by several times the chance that he will have problems with excess weight. The explanation is simple: children of the same age grow up with each other more active, since they have a playmate 24 hours a day.

When a child is sick

A crisis situation associated with a long-term and serious illness of one of the family members not only interferes with the normal functioning of the family, but also changes the structure of the family system. Even in strong, friendly families, the emergence of a connection between a “sick child and a caring parent” introduces an imbalance. But for the treatment to be successful, such a ligament must be strong. How to maintain strong ties with other family members in this situation?

Such a forced restructuring shakes the entire system. The caring parent is often not enough for other functions; the mother, busy with treatment, pays less attention to other children. It would be good if the father took over maternal functions, but this, unfortunately, does not happen often in Russian families; more often the father himself suffers from his wife’s lack of attention and an excess of problems.

But dad is an adult and is able to withstand the burden of the situation, but it can break a child who suddenly finds himself “on the sidelines” of the family. Feeling unloved and unnecessary, which is exactly how a healthy sibling perceives himself in this situation, is very difficult.

Unable to share his experiences with someone, the child may try to attract attention in various ways, including deviant behavior, but every time he hears: “Wait! There’s no time for you now!”

“They don’t love me anymore”, “I’m bad” - this is how children feel this situation. When family forces and resources are regrouped, the healthy sibling finds himself in the position of an outsider; there simply aren’t enough parents to support him.

First friends and teachers

Siblings are called brothers and sisters. They become each other’s first teachers, friends, and help them understand difficult life situations. Their daily communication from the first days is an excellent practice for successful communication with people in general. Strong friendships between siblings become the key to good relationships with peers at school and even in adulthood.

Brothers and sisters who get along well “share” their friends and acquaintances and form common companies. And having an understanding, emotionally sensitive brother or sister helps develop cognitive abilities.

At the same time, Canadian psychologists conducted an interesting study in February 2014 (the results were published in the journal Pediatrics). It was found that children in large families have a much lower vocabulary than their peers. This is explained simply: parents do not physically have time to interpret each new word to the child or answer all his questions. But if there were cognitively sensitive brothers and sisters in a large family, the situation changed for the better. The siblings worked with the younger “whys” and taught them new words.

Basics

No matter how trivial it may sound, friendship between children or the lack thereof is the main and most important thing that parents of siblings should worry about if they want to live happily and at least relatively calmly.

When our second son was born, while on a walk with the children, I accidentally met a young grandmother, who was also the mother of four children. I was very concerned about the question of what it’s like to have more than one child, and how the relationships between them are built. And I asked this extremely pleasant woman:

— Are your children friends?

When she answered in the affirmative, I developed the idea:

- How did you achieve this?

She thought for a moment, was silent for a while and then said:

“I was always very concerned about this and did everything possible to ensure that my children were friendly. But my brother, who has three children, believed that friendship between them would arise by itself. He was wrong: his children never became friends.

We talked for a long time then. And one thought ran through the entire conversation as a red thread: children’s friendship is the work of parents.

Since that day I have thought about it a lot and read even more. And based on my own experience and the thoughts of many specialists, I made several conclusions that, it seems to me, can help other parents of siblings.

Saving a Marriage

Amazing statistic: Men and women born into large families are less likely to get divorced. This is confirmed by a grandiose study by scientists at Ohio State University, which lasted 40 years. Researchers have identified specific figures: each sibling increases the likelihood of maintaining a marriage by 2%.

Psychologists explain this interesting fact simply: when there are several children in a family, from an early age they learn to find a common language with each other, which makes them more flexible and tolerant in their own future family relationships.

Siblings make you happier

Observations of families where conflict-free and warm relationships between brother and sister have been built invariably show one thing: siblings do not suffer from loneliness and depression, they have adequate self-esteem. They find help and consolation not only from their parents, but also from each other, and from a very early age. Such mutual support helps siblings experience difficult life trials less painfully, including the death of their parents.

The proof of this is the research of Swedish scientists. They interviewed 80 visitors to the Gerontological Center in Lund. It was found that people who find their relationships with brothers and sisters prosperous are also generally satisfied with their lives.

I sculpt myself from plasticine

In summer rehabilitation camps, where children with cancer relax with their brothers and sisters (annually ANO “Children” conducts 2 camp shifts, a 10-day winter and a 21-day summer), the psychologist used diagnostic projective techniques to work with them - drawing , modeling from plasticine, game tests.

During one of the tasks, the psychologist asked the children to imagine and draw themselves as a rose bush and tell what kind of plant it is. This test talks about the child's perception of himself and the environment. Andrei, whose sister died of cancer, said that his rose bush grows in a polluted city, in which there is no oxygen, there are many factories, and people are mutants. Therefore, the bush has no leaves, and the roses on it are small and blue; no one takes care of the bush.

It is surprising that all the rose bushes of the healthy siblings were stunted, drying out and joyless, but the work of the children who had recovered from the disease was completely different - strewn with bright flowers, watered and well-groomed.

No less interesting was a comparison of the self-image of children with cancer in remission and their siblings. The psychologist gave the children the task of molding their own world out of plasticine (the “Creation of the World” method according to T.D. Zinkevich-Evstigneeva), and then molding a little man from this world. The most important part of the task is to give gifts to your newborn plasticine man.

The children gave gifts of whatever - character traits, hair, clothes, etc. And then, looking at their little men, they exclaimed: “Yes, it’s me!”

Semyon, 17 years old, (oncological disease in remission) described his little man like this: “He has fire in his head, a lot of ideas, he stands strong on his feet, I gave him the gift of bringing joy to people.” Semyon’s sister, Nina, 14 years old, described her plasticine man this way: “This is a girl balancing on a ball. I gave her a stand so that she would become more stable in this world, and a lamp so that she would not be afraid in the dark.”

11-year-old Nikolai (oncological disease in remission) gave his little man a guitar and the ability to play: “Music for me is associated with such elements as fire and earth, you can speak with music.” The little man made by Nikolai’s brother, 10-year-old Denis, is completely different. “I gave him hair, a smile and a pole so that he wouldn’t fall, and when he got angry, he could hit it. Usually, when people get angry, they go off scale, this is a limiting pillar,” Denis said.

Working with children in a rehabilitation camp using projection techniques, psychologists discovered a great similarity in the image of the “I” in siblings of different ages from different families: a girl balancing on a ball, an “unstable” alien, a two-faced man leaning against a pole, a delicate flower struggling sprouted from a pile of stones. The image of a lonely little man, unsure of himself, unstable in this world, forced to rely only on his own strength.

Negative points.

The term "sibling". What is this? This is what brothers and sisters are called in the scientific world. But it’s no secret that relations between them are not always good. Often there is also hostility toward the sibling, sometimes reaching the point of open hostility.

Therefore, psychologists advise paying parents’ attention to the following points:

• The most optimal age difference between siblings is 3-4 years. During this period, the eldest child has time to overcome the “three-year crisis”, “separate” himself from his parents, and the mother’s body has time to recover after childbirth.
• Gender of children. As practice shows, most conflictual relationships are observed between siblings of the same sex.
• "Favorites." You should not single out any of your children if you do not want constant conflicts between siblings, or even open hatred of each other. Try to give equal attention to all children.
• Personal space. Each child in the family should have, if not his own room, then his own corner where his “treasures” and personal belongings will be stored, where he can take a break from games and retire with his thoughts. Children are very sensitive when their siblings take personal belongings. This is similar to emotions about violence or robbery in an adult.
• Parent-arbiter. When fighting between children, do not take the side of one of them. Act as a kind of arbiter - help them understand the causes of the conflict and together find a path to reconciliation.

Siblings are brothers and sisters. They influence each other’s personality development - both positive and negative.

Child's behavior at the birth of a brother or sister

A new child in the family always becomes stressful for the first one, especially for children aged 3 to 5 years. You can often observe how his behavior changes: it is accompanied by aggression or a regressive period in development begins. For example, a three-year-old child who has weaned himself on a pacifier may begin to demand it again or refuse to say words and phrases he has already learned.

In this way, older children try to show their parents that they need more love, affection and attention to themselves.

Experts recommend at this time not to remind the baby that he is already big and not to demand appropriate behavior from him. The child’s emotional state will return to normal when he gets used to his brother or sister and his new role.

If the negative consequences do not go away within 2-3 months, then parents are advised to seek help from a child psychologist or pediatrician. It is especially important to take such measures if an older child is trying to harm a younger one.