Is the truth born in a dispute? Why do some people like to argue?

My husband just loves to argue. At home, at work or in the company of friends - he will find an opponent everywhere. When he thinks that a person is wrong, he will definitely correct his interlocutor and will persistently continue to argue if he does not agree with him.

“I don’t think it’s bad,” he replies to all my persuasion to quit this habit. – This is the desire to explain to a person that he is mistaken. After all, I argue in an area where I am a professional, where I know exactly what I’m talking about.”

But sometimes his obsessive desire to argue goes beyond all boundaries. It has gotten to the point that in the company of our mutual friends, everyone moves away from him or is looking for an excuse to quickly leave the party when he arrives. “They are simply afraid of an intelligent interlocutor,” my husband notes self-confidently.

Who are they - those who like to argue?

Why is insisting on your own point of view so important for some people? What makes them voluptuously prove that they are right? Let's try to figure this out with the help of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Every person from birth has certain sets of mental properties - vectors that are responsible for a person’s interests, his motives for behavior and desires. For example, a person who is vehemently passionate about an argument has an anal vector.

From the outside it may seem that a person with an anal vector is always looking for an opportunity to argue, but this is not entirely true. Valuable concepts for him are truth and honesty. An anal person maintains order and precision in everything: in any statements, judgments and views. Measure twice, cut once - that's about him. The more difficult it is for him to remain on the sidelines when another makes a mistake in front of his eyes. If he believes that his interlocutor is wrong, then sometimes he cannot remain silent, since strong tension arises inside his psyche. At such moments, he simply needs to correct the mistake at all costs, that is, to prove to the person that he is wrong.

Finding a mistake or a fly in the ointment, separating right from wrong, clean from dirty, is the natural task of any person with an anal vector. Possessing excellent memory and a thirst for knowledge, he can study and remember large amounts of information. This allows the bearer of the anal vector to become a professional in his field, a real master, able to see the slightest inaccuracies and blots.

People who are always teaching: WHAT is behind this behavior?

What is behind the desire to teach? It seems that in everyone’s environment there is a person who makes unsolicited remarks for no reason. It would seem that you are no longer in kindergarten, not at school, not at the institute; you no longer need the sensitive All-Seeing Eye, guiding you on the “True Path” and correcting you if “something is wrong.” But then someone appears who declared himself superior to you, appointed himself as your Judge.

It would be nice if you asked him about it: “Dear, evaluate, be kind... I trust your opinion, taste, professional look.” Anything can be assessed - from aspects of your appearance to the fruits of your professional activity, including your actions and actions or other manifestations of you personally. And then you have a chance to hear constructive criticism addressed to you, to which, mind you, you gave permission, which you requested yourself. Or, for example, you are participating in a competition in which the above-mentioned assessments are quite adequate to the situation - on the part of the jury.

But it happens that you didn’t ask for anything like this, but you encounter it in everyday life. It’s probably no secret that such “collisions,” all other things being equal, can knock you out of the saddle, ruin your mood for a long time, sometimes bring you to tears, make you make excuses, feel shame “there’s something wrong with me”... And you, an adult, in fact, is forced to play the role of a Child in such communication. After all, the main message with this form of contact sounds like the Parental order “You are not good enough.” In this injunction, shame and guilt are hung on you, in which notes of superiority are clearly audible: “Your badness is so striking that I will immediately point it out to you. You are wrong, but I know how to correct you: how you should live, react, act.” It's unpleasant, isn't it? It's easy to guess that all this will cause you instant emotional discomfort. Firstly, it’s worth looking deeper - what is behind this behavior of the person who contacted you? After all, when we understand the motives of another person, we can somehow explain them to ourselves, it is easier for us to maintain calm and clarity of mind without getting involved in a scenario of emotional discomfort.

So, the possible reasons why someone takes on the role of your Teacher and takes the trouble to make comments to you:

Tendency to omnipresent control. And here control acts as a quality of the individual and extends to the entire world around us. A person sincerely believes that the world should be the way he wants it to be. First of all, such a person strictly controls himself and demands that everything that his gaze falls on meets his expectations. Including, of course, you - if you happen to catch his eye. Moreover, a person may not even realize that he is offending you with his inappropriate statements, not realizing their deep subjectivity and including you within his broad boundaries. The desire to shift the focus of attention from yourself to you. The best defense is attack. In this situation, the person assumes that if he does not point out something to you first, then you will certainly do it. He is afraid of close attention to himself, the search for his shortcomings and condemnation. He fundamentally believes that everyone cares about him - and so do you! Self-affirmation at your expense. Here there is an attempt to rise through comparisons not in your favor, a desire to prove “I am better than you.” Hello, narcissism and intolerable inferiority complex. Envy, otherwise your “ideality” in some areas hurts your eyes. Displacement of anger. You piss people off, you just piss them off. But for some reason, he is not able to directly openly direct his anger towards you. Therefore, aggression is poured out indirectly, through clinging and nagging. Secondly, if you regularly find yourself in situations where you are taught, in situations of outright attacks, then you should think about whether you are playing the role of the Victim, thereby provoking those around you?

For what reason do you allow your boundaries to be violated? How do you behave in society that gives people the right to make comments and attack you? What elements of your presentation to the world - timbre of voice, intonation, gaze, posture, gait - make you a person who can be attacked or reprimanded? How do you invite an attack? After all, most often they teach not everyone, but those who are unconsciously ready to accept it. Thirdly, the situation itself, where they make unsolicited comments and instructions to you, criticize you, looks like a role model “Teacher-Student”, “Parent-Child”. Any assessment of you and your actions in this case presupposes a position “from above”, which your interlocutor has captured by arbitrarily appointing himself to the role of your Teacher, Parent, Judge.

He has captured his “quirk,” but you have the right to simply not support this position of his, not to choose for yourself the role of a Student-Child.

How to do it? Through the inner attitude. Treat such manifestations of a person as a quirk, an oddity, the performance of one Actor in an empty Theater.

“Look at everything from a distance. Now, if the person in front of you declared himself Napoleon and reprimanded you: “Jacques, clean your uniform, otherwise it’s dirty. And in general, you are disgustingly galloping on a horse and building a redoubt in a completely obscene manner. Don't embarrass yourself, you should take drill lessons!" Would you take his words seriously? I think it's unlikely. They would be surprised at the absurdity of what was said to you - maximum. But you certainly would not have experienced a reaction of emotional discomfort - after all, the instructions were not in the right place, in the wrong place. (Author: Olga Grishina) == Does “teacher” remind you of anyone? ))) Treat such manifestations of a person as a quirk, an oddity, the play of one Actor in an empty Theater.

I like it when my opinion is respected

Another important feature of the owner of the anal vector is respect for authoritative opinion. A person with an anal vector always respects his mentors and the older generation. He is a connecting thread between the past and the future, taking knowledge from his ancestors and passing it on to the new generation. Therefore, experience is a significant category for him, and an experienced person makes him want to listen and follow advice.

However, it is no less important for the owner of the anal vector that his opinion is also valued and respected, because respect and honor are his values. He shows undisguised sympathy for those who listen to his opinion. But sometimes life circumstances or the burden of psychological problems do not allow an anal person to fully realize himself. Sometimes it is not possible to get a decent job where his professionalism will be valued and respected. And sometimes there is no ability, no education, no desire at all. In this case, he feels dissatisfied and tries to compensate for his frustration: it becomes even more important for him to show that he is an authority for others, so he begins to impose his view of life on others, proving that he is right.

Stages of the dispute

Experts in the field of rhetoric identify five distinct stages of this process:

1. Confrontation stage
   . Here the degree of discrepancy in views on the subject of the dispute is clarified, and the initial clash of opinions begins.
2. Discovery stage
   . This period is characterized by the distribution of roles into opponent and proponent (attacker and defender).
3. Argumentation stage
   . This is the time to actively defend your position. The leading role here is played by the proponent.
4. Criticism stage
   . If the opponent does not agree with the proponent’s arguments, he begins to give counterarguments and criticize the defender’s position.
5. Final stage
   . The level of discussion between the two sides is being assessed. The dispute is resolved in favor of the winning participant.

I won't go to kindergarten, mom.

“Stubborn and stubborn” - this is what they say about avid debaters with an anal vector. The roots of stubbornness often begin in early childhood.

Anal children are very obedient. They do everything correctly, scrupulously and efficiently in order to receive praise and approval from their dear and beloved mother. But it happens that a mother does not have an anal vector and has a completely opposite type of psyche - skin. Every minute is important for her, she does everything quickly, instantly switching from one task to another, and often simply does not understand her slow child.

Such a skinny mother may not listen to the anal baby, interrupt, rush, and due to her natural tendency to save words and emotions, not even praise the child. As a result of such an attitude on the part of the mother, the child with the anal vector simply falls into a stupor. He pouts his lips, gets offended, becomes stubborn and mutters under his breath, insisting: “I won’t go to kindergarten, mom.”

Unfortunately, from such, at first glance, trivial childhood insults, a heavy load of great internal resentment against the mother accumulates. Often a person with an anal vector carries this trauma throughout his life.

When a stubborn boy grows into an adult man, he constantly clings to every opportunity to be right, engaging in pointless arguments. Unconsciously, he is not arguing with his opponent. He proves that he is right to his mother by getting stuck in past grievances, simply because he was not understood, not listened to, or praised.

Emotions

Of course, moving dots as part of an experiment does not evoke as many emotions in a person as an important issue that affects him personally. And since memory is a creative process in some way, and our perception is akin to the lens through which we look at the world, the share of subjectivity in any of our judgments can be very large.

Remember, for example, the summer of 2005. Was it cold or hot? "Good" or "bad"? I’m sure: having collided with their foreheads, two disputants can each defend their opinion, foaming at the mouth. Simply because one has a wonderful sunny day at the dacha with friends in his memory, while the other has wet feet and a runny nose due to an umbrella forgotten at home.

Moreover, people often argue with friends and family members. And a dispute between two housewives about how to properly prepare Olivier, with an apple or a fresh cucumber, can mask a showdown on a completely different topic.

This is especially true for families, and in this case, why not look for what the problem really is? And instead of arguing with your father-in-law about whether to plant flowers or potatoes at the dacha, it is reasonable to discuss property differences.

I can't accept someone else's opinion

Possessing persistence and the desire to see things through to the end, a person with the anal vector will often not give in in an argument, making every effort to end up being the only one in the right. Being the best, ideal is another value in life for such a person.

Moreover, even if during an argument it becomes obvious to a person with an anal vector that he is not entirely right, it is quite difficult for him to admit it. In this regard, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us another aspect of the psyche of such a person.

The fact is that accepting everything new, including an opinion that is unusual for oneself, is stressful for any carrier of the anal vector. He needs to get used not only to new external conditions, but also to new thoughts, new information. Someone else’s opinion is not his own, it is very difficult to accept. Therefore, it takes time to adapt to a different point of view.

Why is the brain deaf to the opponent’s arguments?

Why does being convinced of the correctness of one’s opinion make it so difficult to hear arguments against it?

A recent study from the University of London helped to reveal more about what happens in the brain during these moments. Scientists set out to understand what neural mechanisms contribute to a phenomenon called confirmation bias. Psychologists have long known about confirmation bias, but the neurophysiology of the phenomenon has not been well studied.

This type of cognitive bias causes people to choose information that confirms their opinion. This is especially true when we are very involved emotionally. To illustrate, let's remember kitchen debates about politics, when opponents can quarrel with each other. Excessive self-confidence prevents people from changing their minds, even when confronted with indisputable evidence that their beliefs are false.

The experiment took place with the participation of 75 people who watched the movement of dots on a computer screen. Each brain was connected to a magnetoencephalographic scanner. Based on the brain activity and responses of the participants, scientists obtained evidence: people who were absolutely confident in their answer were not able to perceive information that refuted it, but they sensitively monitored everything that, even indirectly, could confirm their opinion. But the brains of the participants who were less confident in their answer remained sensitive to the pros and cons.

But the Dunning-Kruger effect describes the opposite phenomenon. It happens like this: the less competent a person is in some area, the more aplomb he expresses his opinion. Obviously, this applies to people with low intelligence and narrow outlook.

What a disgrace!

The reluctance to admit one's mistake is aggravated by the fear of embarrassing oneself in front of other people. This fear can only arise in a person with an anal vector. Hence the fear of public speaking.

Therefore, during an argument, a person with an anal vector stands his ground. Otherwise, he risks being wrong, that is, imperfect, and this means a loss of authority - a shame. For an anal person, this is a huge mental stress, from which he unconsciously tries to protect himself.

Types of dispute

Conflicts of different opinions can take several forms. The following types of dispute are distinguished:

1. Discussion
   . Its goal is to find an acceptable solution to a controversial issue by comparing different opinions on the topic.
2. Dispute
   . It is prepared in advance and carried out according to previously established rules. Common topics for discussion are selected from the scientific, social, social, moral and ethical areas.
3. Debate (debate)
   . They arise during the discussion of a central issue at meetings of a certain community of people.
4. Dispute-eclecticism
   . It differs from other types of dispute by the possibility of using not entirely correct techniques.
5. Dispute-controversy
   . Discussion of problems takes place in an acute form, both in person and in absentia. A feature of this type of dispute is the struggle of fundamentally opposing views.
6. Dispute-sophistry
   . This is a dispute using the method of substitution of concepts. During reasoning, the laws of logic are used to deceive the interlocutor.

Dispute-discussion

In the public sphere, it is carried out under the leadership of a specially appointed facilitator, who directs the course of the event in the right direction. The essence of the discussion is to discuss opinions in order to find an acceptable result. At the end of this activity, the views of those gathered on the topic under consideration may remain unchanged. However, they may be taken into account when making the final conclusion. During the discussion, only correct techniques are allowed. The event will be successful if all participants agree with the achieved result.

Dispute-controversy

This word means "warlike" in Greek. Figuratively speaking, entering into a debate means declaring war on your opponent. Its goal is to defend its correct position in every possible way and destroy the false views of its opponent. The questions raised in the battles of this type of dispute can be philosophical, political, or artistic in nature. A number of examples of contemporary controversy can be given:

• television talk shows;
• comments on sensitive articles and publications;
• discussing topics on forums and blogs.

Dispute-eclecticism

This term denotes an artificial mixture of heterogeneous ideas, meanings, and concepts. They are not related to each other in any way, and in some cases they can be directly opposite. Defending your opinion using eclecticism means bombarding your opponent with a mass of meaningless arguments, one of which can immediately refute the previous argument. In this type of dispute, the main thing is the pressure and onslaught of argumentation. The opponent must become obscured and lose the meaning of his arguments in the stream of nonsense that has befallen him from the opponent.

Argument-sophistry

It is based on the ability to reason to the detriment of meaning. In this type of dispute, the main thing is to build a logically correct chain of arguments and present it convincingly. Reasoning and persuasiveness are the main tricks of the sophists’ argument. The laws of logic here are intended to confuse the opponent by substituting the meanings and concepts of well-known terms. As a result, in the right words, a sophist debater can give directly opposite meanings and turn the content of what was said “upside down.” Using a logical trick, he passes off a deliberately distorted erroneous reasoning as the truth.

Let's argue?

With sufficient realization at work, the carrier of the anal vector is much less likely to get carried away by unnecessary disputes, since he receives great pleasure from his activities, and not from proving his rightness to everyone who disagrees.

The correct implementation of the properties given by nature gives a person the opportunity to engage in the activity for which he was born. So, for example, a person with an anal vector finds himself perfectly in teaching or any editorial work. In the profession of a teacher, mentor or coach, more than anywhere else, it is necessary to be able to teach, transfer your knowledge and skills to others and, of course, correct inaccuracies.

In such activities, the authority of the anal person is reinforced by the presence of more experience and professionalism than the students, and he does not have to prove his case at every corner.

How to argue?

Psychologists advise avoiding arguments on any occasion. If the formation of a dispute cannot be avoided, you need to know how to handle it:

1. There is no need to deliberately provoke an aggravation of the situation.
2. It is recommended to find out in more detail the opinion of the interlocutor on the subject of the dispute.
3. Let your opponent know that his views are respected.
4. During the dispute, it is necessary to maintain a restrained style of behavior.
5. When conducting a discussion, it is useful to provide precise and unambiguous definitions.
6. When victory is won, you need to thank your opponent for a worthy fight. Under no circumstances should you be ostentatiously proud of your win and humiliate your opponent.

Dispute rules

If this process is not controlled, it can create a conflict situation. There is a possibility of destroying the harmony of interpersonal relationships and leaving an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. The art of argument is based on certain rules:

1. You need to avoid provocative phrases like “You’re wrong.” This is a direct message to the opponent’s incompetence. It humiliates a person's self-esteem.
2. It is recommended to first listen to another point of view. You need to let the person speak without interrupting him.
3. With the most convincing argumentation, you can give the enemy a way to retreat. Otherwise, he will enter into open confrontation.
4. It is recommended to strictly avoid direct insults, saving the opponent’s face. You must, under any circumstances, try to remain on good terms.
5. The terms of the dispute should relate only to the subject of difference of opinion, without affecting the individual.
6. There is no need to speculate and interpret false meanings of words. If any ambiguities arise, it is recommended to clarify all unclear points with your opponent.

How to stop arguing and start talking?

All people are different, and therefore their opinions and points of view on something are also different. This means that you should not be afraid of disagreements, you just need to avoid turning the discussion of pressing issues and important problems into an interpersonal conflict.

In order to avoid quarrels, aggressive debates and mutual negativity, when communicating you need to remember the following rules:

• concentration on one’s own point of view - helps not to fall into an “emotional trap”, to prevent the conversation from developing into a scandal, this rule works well when communicating within the family;
• talk less and listen more - in this way you can avoid thoughtless words, offensive emotional “attacks”, and, of course, this rule helps to understand the position of the interlocutor;
• remember that you are not always right - this is the “golden rule”, which allows you not only to understand your interlocutor, but also not to experience aggression towards your opponent and find a compromise solution;
• turning on “selective” attention is a rather complex psychological technique, the essence of which is to ignore insults and unnecessary information;
• separating problems - this rule allows you not to “lumm together” all the grievances, claims, reasons for dissatisfaction that have accumulated over a long time; each issue requires a separate conversation.

By following these simple rules, you can learn to negotiate with others instead of arguing and conflicting.

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How to get out of the conflict and benefit?

But, of course, it is not always possible to avoid disputes and conflicts. People are not robots and sometimes they are unable to control their emotions. It often happens that people find themselves drawn into an unpleasant conversation. For example, if your interlocutor persistently continues to develop a topic that is unpleasant for you, then you unwittingly find yourself drawn into a conflict from which you need to get out.

As a rule, two people take part in a dispute, and one of them is quite capable of ending the conflict by simply yielding to his opponent. But, of course, you don’t need to change your own opinion. For example, you can tell your opponent: “I don’t agree with you, but I don’t see the point in continuing the argument.” Of course, in each situation any specific phrase is appropriate, but its semantic message should be like this - friendly and not allowing objections, putting an end to the conversation.

In this way, you can get out of any conflict without a negative aftertaste on your soul, without resentment towards your interlocutor. And, of course, by practicing this manner of ending arguments, a person receives considerable benefits - he learns to control his emotions and control the words he speaks.

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When it comes to difficult situations

With all that said, ESFJ sensitivity can come in handy during times of conflict. And when they may be confrontational, their ability to cooperate and compromise allows them to quickly and easily find a solution that works for both partners. By the way, the "Consul" tends to be very protective of partners, so if someone else is somehow harassing or harming someone this type loves, this is a situation in which he will have no problem with confrontation, and he will express everything he thinks.

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Why is agreeing better than arguing?

Saying “yes” to people who are critical of your beliefs, preferences, habits and lifestyle is quite difficult. The vast majority of people begin to defend their right to personal preferences and habits that run counter to generally accepted ideas or the opinions of friends and colleagues.

Meanwhile, agreeing with the critical statements of your interlocutor does not at all mean changing your own opinion. Moreover, this manner of conducting a conversation will allow you not only to avoid an unnecessary dispute, but also to end a painful conversation.

For example, if someone criticizes your habit of spending all the money you earn and convinces you of the need to have savings, you can simply say: “Yes, but what can you do, the size of your salary does not allow you to save.”

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Of course, an example can be a dialogue on any topic. The idea is to suppress the interlocutor's willingness to argue, prevent the development of a conflict and end an unpleasant conversation on a positive note, while remaining unconvinced. This will prevent you from getting negative emotions.

Support every argument with evidence.

Your interlocutor will try his best to refute what you say, so try to use clear, confirmed facts.

It can be difficult to break through elaborate defenses, so you'll need some serious preparation. This is not always possible because arguments arise at the most inconvenient moments, but if you try, you can be prepared in any case. Reliable information is disarming. If your interlocutor is a reasonable person, he will not refute obvious facts and create a meaningless scandal.

ISFJ, or "Protector"

There are several reasons why Defenders tend to avoid confrontation - they are a bit standoffish and resistant to change, they struggle with emotional expression, and they tend to take things very personally. Knowing that confrontation may invite criticism, which may be painful for them, they protect themselves by avoiding it as best they can. ISFJs are also very private people, and they tend to guard their feelings rather than bring them to their partner's attention. As a result, their partners are sometimes left to guess when something is wrong.

Be confident and calm

It is important to remain confident in yourself if you know that your position is strong enough. Don't let your emotions control you - this always leads to disaster, because this is how you show your weakness.

A person who believes that he is always right thinks of himself as extremely rational. Be firm in your opinion, don't get angry or despair. Only clear thoughts and a measured tone will help you get your point across. If your interlocutor sees that you are not going to give up and are not giving in to emotions, it will be more difficult for him to continue arguing.

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How to win an argument?

It is recommended to build certain tactics leading to victory. You can use the following arguments in a dispute to win:

1. In a conversation, you should arrange your arguments from the strongest (he will prove you right faster) to the weaker.
2. It is necessary to immediately warn your opponent’s possible arguments. Then he will have nothing to “cover” with.
3. It is better to base your defense of your arguments on identifying inaccuracies in the details of the opposing side’s position.
4. It will be useful to strengthen your argument with a third party.
5. The enemy’s vigilance can be “lulled to sleep” by telling him a few compliments.
6. You cannot use “empty” arguments that are not supported by facts. What kind of dispute is it if there is no evidence in it?
7. You should always leave the last word for yourself, hiding a “trump card” up your sleeve.
8. You can introduce special techniques from the psychology of communication. These are phrases like “as you well know.”

Avoiding conflict is not a sign of cowardice

Often people not only do not try to avoid confrontation with others, but they themselves start quarrels just so that others do not consider them cowardly.

However, active participation in conflicts is not at all perceived by most people as a manifestation of fearlessness. On the contrary, those who are constantly looking for quarrels look stupid. People who know how to avoid open confrontation appear wise, far-sighted and purposeful in the eyes of others.

A person who is able to stop a conflict situation at the moment of its inception almost never experiences negative emotions, is stress-resistant and knows how to distinguish truly important things from trifles and vanity.