Enfant terrible. How to communicate with him?

Have you encountered annoying interlocutors who asked you questions that you did not want to answer? There are a great many people who do not know what tact is. Probably everyone has relatives and acquaintances whom you can classify as people in this category. When they meet, they bombard you with questions: “Why did you quit your job?”, “You don’t look good today, where did you spend the night?”, “When will you start losing weight? You can’t walk through the doors sideways anymore!” From such questions and comments, a person involuntarily becomes speechless.

Wait for him to answer. I want to tell you how to behave with tactless people, how to answer such questions, how to maintain composure and not lose your temper.

What is tactlessness

The concept of tactlessness has its unconscious and conscious manifestations. Unconscious manifestations include tactlessness as a means of psychological defense - not being able to confront difficulties beautifully and harmoniously, being aware of the huge number of internal contradictions, a person feels the threat of attack in almost any approach. It is this fear of being exposed or offended that forces a person to come to the fore in advance, causing an aggressive reaction of an inflated nature, that is, tactlessness.

Deliberate tactlessness, on the other hand, is a way of achieving some goal - it could be a temporary destabilization of a person’s condition, a desire to be in the center of attention, to advance professionally or socially, using manipulative and deceptive methods.

The tactlessness of people is manifested in a lack of taste and tact, an unpleasant style of communication with others when they are subjected to moral strangleholds. In addition to words, the manifestation is accompanied by a behavioral aspect - such a person always appears at the most unexpected and unfortunate moment, may leave at the beginning of an intimate conversation, or is unable to adjust the volume and intonation of spoken words to the situation and the reaction of others. Gossip, gossip, offensive comments about everyone they can reach are signs of a lack of tact. Moreover, such a person does not stop talking about intimate details and even invents them, and the subject of caustic and offensive remarks may be a lack of appearance or congenital diseases.

Directed insensitivity is called psychic and energetic vampirism because it often causes loss of energy, apathy, cramps and pain. These phenomena are explained not only by energy laws, but also by the structure of the psyche and the mechanisms of psychosomatics. Every tactless intrusion is perceived as a violation of personal boundaries; touching and ignoring painful topics and weak points leads to the activation of physical clamps. This happens because a person who observes the norms of cultural communication remains discouraged by the behavior of other people and does not react verbally, but the body continues to produce adrenaline for protection, which then accumulates in clamps and is transformed into pain.

This behavior can be corrected or developed. Thus, being in a social and cultural environment, unworthy manifestations of a person can be mitigated by the reaction of others. The most tactful comments do not directly indicate that such a tone and statements are unacceptable, but rather indicate that the person is probably tired or not feeling well for uttering such words.

But, unfortunately, correction is not always possible, because a person with a dominant lack of tact considers everyone equal and considers only people similar to himself to be the norm for behavior and communication style. Intellectuals are often ignored for their lack of self-confidence, sensitive people are called "whiners" and so on. In this case, you can only use a defensive strategy, which will not change the person, but will get rid of his attacks. You can answer uncomfortable questions with laughter or a very long answer, or you can ignore the question or not pay attention to the interlocutor at all. A more proactive and effective behavior might be to ask each other uncomfortable questions, but not to seek out sensitive or secret topics, but rather to ask about private information that interests the other person. In general, sometimes the only way out of not entering into dialogue is to increase the distance, appeal to busyness, and so on.

A person’s tactlessness is expressed in negative conversations, judgments, and misconceptions about life.

Consequences of tactlessness

Lack of tact and basic good manners leads to negative consequences:

Putting a person in an awkward position.
Devaluing other people's achievements and dreams.
Damaging the mood of people around you.
Conflicts, quarrels, misunderstandings, cessation of communication.
Humiliation of a person.
Creating for the individual the need to report and justify himself.
Violating other people's personal boundaries.
Causing moral harm to another person (may get upset, cry, worry about what was said for a long time).
Cultivation of internal complexes.
Forcing a person to experience unpleasant emotions over and over again, to remember a painful situation.
For tactlessness, you can run into a rude answer.

Have you ever experienced the consequences of tactless behavior? Tell us in the comments, let's support each other.

Examples of tactlessness from life

The cases described above occur not only in fiction, but also in reality. In life, of course, tactless behavior is not limited to such situations. Other common examples include the following.

Inappropriate requests for help

For example, when a person is busy. In this case, it is difficult to call the person asking tactless if he says something like “help me, please, if it’s not difficult; if you can’t, don’t do it, I won’t be offended,” “it’s not urgent, you can do it later; if that's not a problem, of course." But everything depends on the context.

For example, the one being asked can never say no. The other person keeps asking, which is insensitive in most cases. However, this does not mean that such a person should necessarily be called “bad”. It just means that sometimes you don't know when you can do something for someone else and when you can't.

Talking about people in a negative way, especially when they are nearby

This applies to different social groups of people. Example: An older woman judges a young girl for her supposedly promiscuous behavior. Sometimes such cases are a consequence of attributive projection: a person attributes negative characteristics to others. If you look at the condemnation of young girls, the reason may be not only the difference in generations, but also the woman’s own swagger in her youth.

Inattention and disrespect

The previous points are usually learned in childhood. However, sometimes decent behavior is hindered by a lack of sensitivity, which cannot always be instilled.

For example, few people were told that a person who has just returned home should not be taken out for a walk, but should rest. Someone may not realize their mistake if they do not respect the opinions of other people.

Revealing secrets to other people.

The person will be hurt if people find out what he was hiding. But a tactless person does not care.

Willingness to interfere in other people's lives.

An example would be matchmaking without desire, when people see each other for the first time. This was all too common in the past. But in the civilized world this is indecent.

Inconvenient questions

May be related to all previous points. Examples:

When will you get married?
Why not baptize a child?
How much do you earn?
Do you suffer from any chronic diseases?
When will you lose weight?
Why do you wear the same clothes?

Tactlessness can be recognized by various behavioral factors

How to unlearn tactlessness

If a person notices tactless behavior, but needs to fight it:

Give up the habit of judging other people, especially in public.
Remember that the truth is different for everyone, do not be an overly sincere person.
No one is perfect, so there is no need to point out other people's physical flaws.
Do not ask too personal and “sensitive” questions (do not ask a divorced man about marriage, do not ask the mother of a sick child about the success of her child).
Interrupting your interlocutor is also a kind of tactlessness; it is important to let everyone speak.
Respect other people and remember that everyone has their own threshold of sensitivity.

Why are people tactless?

There is an opinion that tactless people simply have shortcomings in their upbringing and education. In reality, this is not entirely true, and sometimes not at all: the main reason is psychological problems. A person can have as many higher educations as he likes and know all the rules of etiquette by heart, but this does not guarantee his tact.

The reasons for tactless behavior are rooted in the inability to understand and feel your inner self. If someone does not understand himself, he will not be able to understand others.

Internal conflict causes mental tension, which accumulates and is often contained. But in the end, a person “breaks loose”: he releases everything negative in the form of tactless words, actions, etc.

Lack of tact can manifest itself both consciously and unconsciously. As a rule, this is the first: a person either wants to hurt someone, or is simply “getting into trouble” on the way to his goal, not paying attention to the feelings of other people. For a tactless person, the priority is his own selfishness: he wants to be the center of attention, and he does not care what others want or think. He achieves his goal through manipulation and sneaky actions.

If he is unconsciously unceremonious, he needs psychological protection. He is often insecure and feels threatened everywhere, fearing that he will be offended. The subconscious tells him that the best defense is an attack.

Tactics for dealing with arrogant people

There are several ways to communicate with arrogant and unpleasant people. You can ignore them, respond in the same tone, or smile and nod in response. Modern psychologists identify the following defensive tactics of behavior with rude and arrogant people
:

A firm and tough answer;
Self-control;
Calm.

The best way to protect yourself from impudence is to be able to refuse.
Arrogant individuals do not accept refusals, regardless of the opinions and circumstances of other people. Therefore, you should firmly say “no” and not worry about the further course of events. Often an arrogant person is so tactless that you want to be rude or insult him in response. However, you should not do this, as he will understand that he has achieved his goal. It is necessary to pull yourself together as much as possible and not sink to his own level (if there is no conscious desire to verbally fight with an ill-mannered person).

In this case, one should be guided by the fact that it is impossible to teach or offend an arrogant person with a word. Only ignoring, strict refusal and calm. You can’t waste your emotions, and it’s also important to remember that your own health is a priority over a boor.

If there is a need in life to communicate with an uncultured person, then you need to remain calm and not succumb to manipulation and provocations.

Why do people become tactless?

Tactfulness is an acquired trait. This is often due to poor upbringing. The character and habits of a child must be formed at an early age, otherwise it will be much more difficult to form them later. In the future, this task will fall on the shoulders of teachers and educators, who must prepare their students for adult life.

Many, however, believe that there is stupidity behind this behavior. In the end, a person simply does not know how to behave in a given situation. In this case, he acts incorrectly, not with malicious intent, and blaming him for this is pointless. Such people can be corrected, but it takes a lot of work. More importantly, the person must want it himself.

It's even worse if the lack of tact is a manifestation of a bad mood. In this case, a person commits actions consciously, guided by his own false ideals and motives.

Where is the line of tactlessness?

You've probably found yourself in situations where you wanted to help someone, offer help, or show your involvement in the situation. But they couldn’t understand how tactful it was to talk about his problems, how tactful it was to ask questions.

For example, a person is overweight and you see it. It can be assumed that he himself suffers from this problem and is trying to cope. You also have some weight problems.

First tip. If you sincerely want to help or are worried about a person, then of course ask. the most comfortable time, alone, choose your words in advance. You can even start with yourself: “Hi, I’m planning to start training and adjusting my diet, I’m looking for a partner. Do you want to come with me? Maybe you’re already doing something, would you like to share?”
Second tip. If you don’t have a problem like your interlocutor, but you sincerely want to help, then ask the question as correctly as possible, you can even apologize. For example, “please forgive me, you are my sister, I am very worried about your excess weight, can I help you with something?” We must be prepared for any reaction.

If there is no great interest, then you shouldn’t mind your own business. Not everyone wants to be “saved”; everyone has their own life. And if you often feel the need to “save everyone,” most often this is an escape from your own problems. Look around, pay attention to your loved ones, your condition, your affairs, accumulated problems and tasks.

Thank you for reading the article. How do you deal with insensitive people? Do you put it in place or prefer not to pay attention? Tell us in the comments.

Save the article for yourself, bookmark it and share with friends. The techniques will help you not to get lost in a difficult situation and be fully prepared.

What can tactlessness lead to?

Tactless people, to put it mildly, are not liked. Their company is often annoying: they cannot carry on a conversation, make inappropriate jokes, use inappropriate expressions, etc. This behavior has a negative impact not only on themselves, but also on those around them.

In particular, a tactless employee will not be hired to an important conference, as he will most likely ruin it. Few people would want to go with such a person to a club or amusement park. In general, constant insensitivity can lead to loneliness or rejection.

Exercise - protection against tactlessness

If you are a sensitive person and worry for a long time after other people's tactlessness, prepare in advance. Make a sign in your notebook with answers to tactless questions. Write down in the table such answers, having said which, there will be no “sediment” left. The answer should be such that there are no thoughts at all about dialogue with a tactless person after completion.

I am often asked	What can I answer
“When is your wedding?”	“When do you have children?” or “When the cancer hangs on the mountain”
“How much is your salary?”	“A little less than the deputy’s”
“Why don’t you work, your husband won’t let you?”	“It’s great that I have the opportunity not to work” and more

Rules for communicating with a tactless person

All people can meet such people. To protect yourself from the negative influence of an inattentive person, you should behave as follows:

Avoid answering or answer questions vaguely so that the rude person gets tired of talking to you.
Make their joke into a joke.
Start talking about a completely different topic.
Don't answer his questions, but use his weapons. You have to admit that knowing a person's "sensitive issues" is beneficial.
If all this doesn't help, you can ask, "What are you worried about?"
If you want to avoid talking to him, you can say you're late and walk away.

How to answer tactless questions?

They touch your heart, irritate you, confuse you, make you want to bury your head in the sand and go underground to avoid an answer. Yes, each of us has a whole “black” list of inconvenient and tactless questions that fly in our direction from time to time. How to learn to deflect these insidious balls in conversation without experiencing negative emotions?

Joking aside

Humor is everything to us. And in moments of joy, she is on a pedestal, and in moments of sadness, despair and loss, she is a lifeline. Of course, you shouldn’t answer an unpleasant question by telling an anecdote. But in any case, if you have enough self-control and a sense of humor, a joke is best for the situation.

Spit out the truth

Sometimes it's helpful to let the interviewer know that their question is inappropriate. To answer the same unpleasant question about marriage, you can start a detailed story about all your unhappy love stories: “I didn’t love the first, I was tired of the second - it was boring with him, the third snored so much that the neighbors were knocking on the radiator, the fourth was sloppy, always something I forgot, I had to treat him like a child, the fifth couldn’t stand my pace of life and disappeared on Tuesday, the sixth I don’t remember at all, but the seventh...” Practice shows that it is precisely such detailed confessions that leave the interlocutor with the greatest shock. As a result, your interlocutor understands that he has invaded someone else’s space, asked about something personal, and certainly will no longer delve into your life experience unnecessarily.

No one is interested in the spiritual experiences of others, so uncomfortable questions are usually the least conducive to hearing the truth. However, an honest answer: “Sorry, but that's my business and I don't want to answer your question” is also perfectly acceptable.

Short answer mode

Brevity is still one of the closest relatives of talent, so you can calm the tactless interlocutor with a neat and short answer.

Ask again

Answering a question with a question is an excellent tactic that can sometimes be acceptable. First of all, it's always annoying. Second, make them feel stupid and scratch their head for a counter question. You shouldn't be the only one who feels uncomfortable.

Here are some examples of universal questions and answers:

“Do you want to know more about my personal life?”
“Do I understand correctly that your main interest today is the size of my salary?”;
“Why should I answer your question?”;
“It looks like you and your husband were planning to divorce too?”;
“Why do you even need this information?”;
“And how old are you compared to this?”;
“Are you really interested or just asking?”

Sometimes people ask inappropriate, awkward and even insensitive questions not out of malice or stupidity, but simply to keep the conversation going or to show personal interest in you. Even we ourselves can find ourselves on the other side of the barricade and, without a second thought, ask an uncomfortable question in an inappropriate manner. Therefore, you should not, because of discomfort that has once arisen, drop a question in order to create even greater discomfort by trying to find a sarcastic and non-existent subtext in it. Not paying attention is also a tactic that can instantly neutralize the corrosive effect of any unpleasant remarks.

If a person behaves tactlessly with you, it is important to be able to defend your personal boundaries

Do women need tact?

This chapter is from the book “Designed to Be a Woman-2. Fruit-bearing" Read more »

Tactlessness is, for me, one of the most disgusting qualities of a woman. It looks inconspicuous and even very tolerable. But it leaves deep scars in people's souls. Although we often don’t even think about it. It seems stupid and strange to us to be offended by “harmless” questions. We didn't want anything bad. They just asked. Just wondering.

When a girl is constantly asked by her friends, “When are you going to get married?” Do they know that they are trampling with tarpaulin boots on a huge wound? She may want to get married, she dreams, but either she hasn’t met him yet, or, what’s even more difficult, she has met him, but she’s not invited there. She may already consider herself flawed, useless, a sub-woman. And then there are these questions all the time.

When a married couple is asked, “when will we have children?” Do people think that pregnancy just doesn't happen? That they would be happy and go to doctors, but a miracle does not happen. And do those asking understand that this is incredibly painful? We have friends who have been hesitant by everyone around us. Meanwhile, the couple was undergoing long-term treatment, and such interested people hurt both of them.

Fiery women Coming soon! The long-awaited book from Olga Valyaeva Find out more »

When a pregnant woman is pestered about the sex of the child - “do you want a boy or do you want a girl,” do people understand that this is nonsense? That the child is coming, that he is already in the belly of a certain gender. And now why not love him or send him to an orphanage, since he is a girl again or a boy again?

And when you see a woman’s belly, the first question is always “are you pregnant?” And if not? What if you just ate a big meal yesterday? Or is Women's Day coming soon, when a woman's belly naturally increases a little? What if she dreams about it, but doesn’t have it yet? What if she is pregnant, but hides it because there are various difficulties? What if she’s already worried about her figure and thinks she’s fat?

And the figure itself! Advisers to lose weight, are you sure that the woman does not have problems with hormonal levels, that these are not health problems, but specifically what she eats at night? Maybe she goes to the gym and eats almost nothing, but doesn’t lose weight? And in general, are you sure that her health is better from these attempts to lose weight? Maybe she has such a constitution and it’s better for her? Same thing with “get better.” There is such a disease - anorexia, when a person cannot get better. He can't even eat. And this is a big problem. And then there are the advisers: “You’re really thin” or even worse, “You’re like a walking Buchenwald”...

And comments on social networks! It's so easy to blurt out some nonsense when no one can see you! Read them, and then go to the authors' pages. You might be surprised. That these people live ordinary lives and look ordinary. Something just comes over them - and they turn into someone unknown. Sometimes I am shocked - two girls swear with obscenities and a lot of poison, and you look at their pages - two mothers of families. Why, you ask?

Under any photo there will always be improvements - and if the hair was this way, and the shorts were a different color, and the dress was green and shorter, or the eyes were brighter... But I like you like this, and I like you like that, but I don’t like you at all, but for me it’s like that generally a freak... Do you think such comments bring good to anyone? Well, yes, they became smarter, showed themselves to be a super-stylist, a connoisseur of beauty, and then? Would you like to communicate with you later? It is always easier to criticize than to do it yourself.

Another shamelessness - who are your children like? On dad? On mom? Like a movie hero? They look like themselves - like themselves! You don’t think that a child can look similar in appearance to an unloved mother-in-law - and this, for example, causes the mother a lot of suffering. Or the child looks like an ex-husband who caused many wounds or simply died. You don’t think that an “innocent” comparison can hurt. But children are people. Individuals. Do you like being compared to someone?

Why are we even sure that we know better than another person what is good and what is bad for him? Who came up with our “from the outside you know better” and “who else will tell you the truth”?

To understand a person, you need to be in his place, to go through his path from start to finish. And don’t just spout nonsense from your own bell tower.

Psychologists are the worst in their tactlessness. Especially beginners. "You have a headache? Don't you know why it hurts? No, not because you didn’t sleep enough today! This is your suppressed aggression!” Or “Where should you marry, you have such problems with your dad!” Or “Your child is somehow strange, you probably paid little attention to him in infancy.” And all in passing, when the conversation is about something else. Who else will tell the truth, who else will cure!

Lactation consultants and sling consultants have gone no further - who can sometimes discourage any desire to try to use slings and breastfeed. In general, all people in helping professions always try to “help and improve” everyone, even when no one asks for it. And it is very difficult - I know from experience - to remain silent. Until they ask.

But help always begins with a request for help. Up to this point, it is tactlessness, interference in someone else's space.

This does not mean that you need to praise a dress three sizes smaller that fits your friend’s imperfect figure, as you think. You can help her choose a different style of dress - if she asks for it. And if not, then tactfully remain silent. Don't ask unnecessary questions. Don't ask personal questions at all. Otherwise they like to ask us why someone got divorced, why there are no children, and why there is bad breath.

There are people around whom you always feel like you're being interrogated. Like in a minefield. How not to blurt out too much about yourself. How not to run into another “improvement”. Gaze. Personal questions. How much does your husband earn? Why do you need so many children? How much does it cost to rent your house? How often do you have sex? Why don't your children go to school? Will you give birth to a girl? What problems do you have with your dad?

And this is casual, along the way, passing by. The habit of being tactless. And we live in such a world, among such people. Why, we are the same ourselves. I realized that I need to check everything for myself. Before you blurt something out:

1. Would I like to receive such a question or suggestion if I were this person, if no one asks me or asks for help?

2. If this is the Internet, would I say this to a person’s face, in ordinary life? (Thanks for the tip to my Instagram follower)

And then everything becomes clear and understandable. For example, that you don’t need to ask people unnecessary and personal questions at all - they will tell you what they need themselves. When the time is right. If it comes. If they want.

Simplicity is worse than theft. And this saying is not about simplicity, but more about tact. In Asia, for example, like here, tactlessness is the order of the day among the majority of the population. There are too many people there for them to have personal space. They are used to living like this. In India, they came into our room without knocking, touched our children even when they were against it, looked into our wallet (literally), beggars could even follow us around for an hour.

The situation changes only in those places where people are not just religious, but follow the commandments or their analogues. Then tact appears - from the understanding that a person is a child of God. And to offend a person means to try to offend God.

We have the same situation as in Asia, only the impact is not physical, but emotional. It’s just that such a manner of communication and such intrusion into someone else’s life is in the order of things. You have no right to personal territory, we will all go there and inherit. We will draw whatever we want - with dirty shoes, garbage or graffiti. Like it - don't like it - tolerate it. And if you are indignant, then you are a fool yourself, because we did nothing wrong. It's better and more beautiful. It's clearer from the outside. And the truth is that the intentions are good. But where is the road paved with them?

It's different in Europe, just like in the States. People are afraid to violate the boundaries of another - however, often the basis for this is law-abidingness and fear of the law. At least at first. Then people get used to the fact that our freedom ends where the freedom of others begins. And tact appears. Here no one has ever said to me something like: “You probably wanted a girl?”, whereas in Russia everyone says this. As a matter of course. We lack tact, there is no such habit, there is no culture, there is no respect.

But you can learn! Starting with yourself. This quality will adorn any woman. It seems to me that if we are talking about the good upbringing of a girl, then tactfulness is the first thing that should be taught to her. Then it will be pleasant to communicate with her. After all, tact is also useful in communication within the home - and its benefits at home are invaluable.

Then she won’t pester her husband with difficult questions, and he himself will want to communicate with her. She could leave him to think alone without asking him what the problem was. Likewise, it is easier to maintain trust with children - if, for example, you knock before entering their room (especially if the children have grown up). I foresee a storm of indignation here - why on earth in my house! Just remember yourself as a child and teenager - would you like such respect from your parents?

Tactfulness is a show of respect for another person. It is accepting others as they are. And that is allowing others to be different. And this is also a reason to live your own life, not gossip columns and not other people’s photographs, not gossip and not speculation.

And another interesting thing is that when you yourself become tactful and treat others with respect, your environment transforms in the same direction. Either your friends change, or other people come. Like attracts like. You respect - they begin to respect you.

You can help a person without unnecessary advice - just go and help. For example, introducing your unmarried friend to unmarried friends. Not on purpose, but casually. Without setting the goal of necessarily marrying her off. Feed your overweight friends healthy and delicious food at home. What if they like it? Give the currently childless girl the opportunity to communicate with your children. It won’t hurt you, but it can help her express her feelings and heal her soul.

Instead of asking your husband a million questions when he's in crisis, it's better to get a good massage and cook a delicious dinner. And so on.

Let's learn to be tactful, otherwise tactless female tanks are more tanks than women. Even if they wear dresses, have long hair and know how to cook.