Managing emotions and feelings

The importance of expressing and controlling emotions

In the social world you need to be able to control your emotions, it should be a skill.
But what does control mean? Usually, when people say “control your emotions,” they mean suppress them. But suppressing emotions is literally like the following: you turn on some kind of spring, a stream, and you concrete it. But the source itself continues to work. The reason for the reaction has not been removed. It is one thing for you to be filled with joy but hold it back, but it is quite another for you to be filled with contempt and anger. If you suppress an emotion and do it regularly because you are regularly in the same workspace or with the same person and perform repetitive actions, then you have a repressed negative emotion constantly present in your body. This is a direct path to illness. The centers of emotions are always located in some part of the body in the form of sensations. And the organs that are located in this place, next to it, are susceptible to damage, they are literally filled with repressed emotions. Sometimes it happens that a person 20 years later, remembering the past, begins to cry - this is because he did not cry then. If your picture of the world is too inadequate to reality, you will always be overwhelmed by emotions. If you constantly exercise them, then, from a health point of view, it will be easier for you. Emotional, hot-tempered, unrestrained people are usually healthier, while well-mannered, cultured people get sick more. Because those who dump emotions spoil relationships, and those who suppress emotions maintain relationships but spoil themselves.

Neither one nor the other is useful, but the skill itself is useful - being able to show emotion at will. Because there are people who find it very difficult or scary to say what they feel, what they are going through. You need to be able to speak openly - one, and be able to restrain your emotions - two. But if you are holding back an emotion, you need to know how to defuse it. For example, Adriano Celentano chopped wood in the film The Taming of the Shrew. You can play sports, shout, or write and burn a letter - the emotion needs to be put into action.

To learn how to maintain balance, you need, first of all, to work out your picture of the world, make it more flexible, softer. For example, it’s not “should”, but “can”, it happens like this - and it happens like this, maybe in another way. I am like this, he is like this, and they are like this - we are different. So that the picture of the world is not a flat picture, but consists of many details, elements where you can move freely. When you have a rich picture of the world, it allows for a lot, you perceive what is happening more easily, and then emotions are no longer initially critical. This approach is deeper. It naturally takes more time, because simply containing and expressing emotions is a technical skill, like doing push-ups.

One of the most difficult issues is coexisting with other people's emotions when they do not match yours. The worst option in this situation is to start worrying and think: “It’s somehow wrong to say something to a person, because he’s worried, but it’s somehow not quite right for me”... Then you sacrifice yourself. And your task, on the contrary, is to express yourself so that a person understands you - activity is important. But people who consider themselves well-mannered prefer to sacrifice themselves for the sake of decency. In fact, we are not talking about good manners, but about an inferiority complex and uncertainty. The key problem is not even that the person “overwhelms you” with his emotions, but that you suppress your emotion and cannot say: “I don’t like this, let’s do it differently.” You are suppressing yourself, not him.

The option of constantly holding back and shutting down is not suitable here, because even if you put in a lot of effort, you will still be “infected” and will not be able to be natural in your state. A good option is to talk, talk, convey your feelings to the person: “You know, it’s wonderful that you are so happy, but I perceive it differently.” You need to prove yourself to the other person. After all, your counterpart is not very worried about how his emotions affect you - he simply actively expresses himself. Do the same

It is important that he hears what is important to you and begins to take it into account

Emotions arise for a reason, they have their own function: this is how our brain reacts to signals from the outside world. Depending on the signal (for example, danger or a sign of attention from an attractive person), the brain helps the body adapt to a specific situation - tense or relax muscles, speed up or slow down the heartbeat. All the emotions that we have preserved after millions of years of evolution are needed for something, so we should accept them and treat them carefully.

The problem is that our brain's limbic system, which produces emotions, is very ancient; it was formed in conditions far from modern civilization, and is not designed for such an amount of information, stress, social phenomena, etc. Therefore, we cannot always rely on emotions: sometimes they give us false signals and lead us astray, cause unreasonable anxiety or force us to dwell on unpleasant memories.

Most people don't even notice the lion's share of their own emotions. We often lack emotional flexibility - the ability to recognize and accept our emotions and respond to them as the situation requires. It is necessary to develop this skill - it provides great advantages in overcoming stress and building constructive relationships with people. In this review, we will look at what components emotional flexibility consists of and how to develop it.

Susan David , Ph.D., is a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, co-director of the Coaching Institute at McLean Hospital, and executive director of the consulting company EvidenceBasedPsychology. Consults senior management of the UN, Ernst&Young and other large organizations.

Dealing with Negative Emotions

Many of us would prefer to always remain in a joyful mood, but not in all cases this state contributes to survival and success. When we feel too good, we ignore threats and easily take risks. Constant euphoria and loss of critical thinking may be symptoms of a mental disorder.

But when we are pessimistic, we pay more attention to details and think through plans more carefully. In addition, emotional pain, like physical pain, serves as a signal to the body that we are doing something harmful: working in a job we don’t like or being in a destructive relationship.

Despite the fact that negative emotions themselves are quite functional, our reaction to them is not always constructive. Susan David cites two typical behavior patterns: “bottlers” and “cheaters .

Blockers restrain themselves and try to distance themselves from negative emotions. Sometimes they succeed so well that they do not notice their experiences at all or do not distinguish shades in them (this condition is called alexithymia).

Cheaters , on the contrary, stew in unpleasant experiences for a long time and do not know how to let go of the situation. Probably, each of us has a friend who makes mountains out of molehills, acutely worried about news on Facebook and other insignificant reasons. These people, unlike blockers, notice their emotions, but the habit of immediately pouring out their experiences repels others.

In the heat of emotions, it is difficult to make a reasonable decision. Ideally, there should be some “gap” between the awareness of the emotion and the external response. If you are not aware of your experiences, you will not be able to regulate them. But having realized an emotion, you should not give in to it recklessly - and, fortunately, there are techniques that allow you to analyze your emotional outbursts and manage them.

Why do emotions sometimes confuse us? Our psyche is designed to save energy for the brain. Assessing each new situation “from scratch” is too energy-consuming. Therefore, based on life experience, we form in our heads something like typical scenarios, which we apply to each new situation and look for similarities. Sometimes these scenarios help us, but often they oversimplify the picture. Destructive scenarios are often associated with unpleasant experiences that happened to a person in childhood and which the psyche now tries to avoid.

Let's take a simple fact - I'm writing a book, but I'm doing it slowly. What can this fact be turned into using emotional hype?

– “I write too slowly” – self-criticism.
– “I write slower than most other authors” - comparison with others.
– “I won’t meet the deadline” – anxiety.
– “I can’t do anything” – a feeling of an approaching catastrophe.
– “I always do everything wrong” is a generalization tied to a feeling of shame.

Typical situations in which a person moves from simple facts to irrational and harmful evaluative statements are what David calls “hooks.” Such situations trigger an autopilot of experiences in us, and the first step to emotional flexibility is to observe yourself and figure out what unconstructive lines of behavior you usually resort to? What most often provokes you to do this?

For example: you constantly eat away work stress with chocolates from the machine. “Exacerbations” can happen after meetings at which the boss does not listen to your opinion.

The author of the book offers a program for developing emotional flexibility, consisting of four steps: become aware of your emotions, distance yourself, determine the right direction and move forward. It is better to correct habitual patterns of behavior through small steps: the cumulative effect will lead to huge changes.

Step 1. Awareness

When we are ready to recognize and accept our inner fears and experiences, it becomes easier for us to get out of their power. At the moment of awareness, from the incomprehensible irrational forces that play with us, fears turn into understandable distortions of the psyche, which obey their own logic and which can be fought.

Try to find yourself a role model in cinema and literature, because our favorite heroes are actually imperfect. The ideal is too flat and boring, no one demands it from you (and if they demand it in all seriousness, it is hardly worth dealing with people so divorced from reality).

David notes that in order to learn from your own experiences, it is important to regularly ask yourself the question: “What is the meaning of this emotion? What is she talking about? Why am I experiencing it? It is especially important to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is a feeling of “a stone on the heart” and regret that you did something wrong or, conversely, did not do what was worth it. This is not the most pleasant feeling, but it is always aimed at a specific action in the past.

Shame is directed toward the person as a whole (“I am bad,” not “I did something bad”) and is much more destructive. Additionally, while guilt can help you avoid making mistakes in the future, research shows that shame doesn't actually help you improve yourself. People who experience shame simultaneously feel the need to protect themselves from it - so they more often deny their guilt and “turn the tables.”

The secret to why guilt works is that it leaves room for self-compassion.

Even if you did something bad, it does not make you a hopelessly damaged person and does not negate your good deeds. You can apologize and try to repair the damage you caused. We often think that we need to be strict with ourselves, otherwise all our vices will blossom in full bloom, but psychologists do not agree with this point of view: experiments show that people who accept their failures more calmly are ultimately easier to engage in self-development, because they have motivation doesn't drop. Self-compassion even boosts your immune system!

In addition, many unpleasant actions can be prevented if you do not follow your emotions. At the same time, it is important to remember that you cannot choose or control your desires (so you should not reproach yourself for “wrong desires”). But you can choose what to do with them. It is easier for an emotionally flexible person to resist harmful temptations because he is able to look at his emotions from the outside and set his priorities correctly.

Step 2. Distancing from emotions

The author of the book offers six key methods that will help reduce the degree of negative experiences and find a foothold within yourself.

Meditation Regular meditation trains non-judgmental observation of your thoughts and feelings. Start with a simple exercise: focus on your breathing for a minute, do nothing else. You will probably have different thoughts, and this is natural - do not try to completely get rid of them. If you get distracted, just notice this fact and focus on your breathing again.
Mindful Observation Choose an object and focus on it for one minute (it can be anything - a watch, a statue, a flower, your finger). Try to look at it as if you have never seen anything like it - very carefully and with curiosity. Note to yourself the different properties of the object: size, color, texture.
Process Research Select a daily routine that you usually do on autopilot (for example, brushing your teeth or getting from home to work). And for a change, focus on this process: on all the movements, sensations, on what you see. At first glance, it may seem that this has nothing to do with emotions, but this exercise, like meditation, is aimed at moving from automatic reactions and patterns to conscious behavior.
Emotional diary People who regularly keep diaries, describing emotionally significant events and experiences, improve their mental and physical state, including lowering blood pressure. Set a timer for 20 minutes, open a notepad or text file and start writing about your experiences. It is important to concentrate specifically on emotions and not worry about the beauty of the syllable or correct punctuation. All emotions should be equally valuable; it is important to avoid self-criticism. This exercise should be repeated regularly, and it is not necessary to save the texts: the main thing is that your emotions find a way out.
Accepting contradictions Emotions are often contradictory: we simultaneously love and hate the same things, phenomena and people. Contradictions make life confusing, but this is a natural part of our nature, and if we take a closer look at these internal “currents,” we can sometimes reconcile them. Exercise in your free time. Choose a topic that makes you feel conflicted and try to listen to the “warring sides”, recognizing and accepting the complexity of your views on the issue.
Changing Focus Sometimes you can look at your emotions from the outside if you talk or write about yourself in the third person. Imagine what your situation would look like in the eyes of another person who is different from you in character.

Step 3. Determining True Values

Susan David introduces the concept of “personal identity” - this is a person’s connection with his future “I” and life values. If a person at a crossroads establishes personal identity, this will help separate what is really important from momentary temptations. For example, experiments have shown that people who were encouraged to think about their distant future were significantly less likely to agree to commit crimes. They were more concerned about their “future self” and what their biography would look like.

The author of the book emphasizes that by the word “values” she does not mean “dull moralizing” or anything imposed by society. Values are not universal: what is good for one is not necessarily suitable for another. But by determining what is important to you, you will gain inner stability.

Your true values correspond to the following characteristics:

They are chosen voluntarily and not imposed from the outside.
Values are processes, not fixed points.
They guide you rather than limit you.
Your values help you get closer to how you want to live.
Values don't force you to compare yourself to others. They promote self-acceptance, which is critical for mental health.

Step 4: Moving Forward

Psychologists divide people into two types: some have a fixed mindset , while others have a growth mindset .

People with a fixed mindset perceive their personality as a static set of different qualities: intelligence, willpower, character traits, etc. People with a growth mindset try to change and develop their personality through learning. It's interesting, but one person can have different attitudes towards different aspects of life. For example, you boldly take on difficult engineering tasks, but are not ready to learn how to communicate.

Research shows that children who take their abilities for granted perform worse in challenging subjects than those who focus on growth. In addition, if you have a fixed mindset, any mistake you make is attacked by your “inner critic”: you begin to doubt that you are capable of anything at all. While a person with a growth mindset says to himself: “Okay, actually I’m capable, but I can’t do this yet. We need to try again."

What to do if you give up halfway through?

We often try to rely on discipline and willpower rather than on natural impulses. But the problem is that trying to force yourself to do something rarely leads to long-term success. Self-discipline works in the short term when you need to finish a project urgently, but in the long term it leads to even more procrastination. We begin to sabotage our own Spartan methods (a classic example is diet failure).

Psychologists divide human goals into so-called “want-goals” and “should-goals.” The first ones are just fun for us (eating a cake), or important from the point of view of our plans (graduate from university) and hobbies (singing karaoke). In general, this is what we choose ourselves.

“Should-goals” were chosen for us by others: parents, society, school, company management, etc. They may coincide with what we want ourselves, but more often they do not coincide. There is, however, a trap here - people tend to periodically confuse their internal motivations with what is imposed from the outside. For example, you want to eat a chocolate bar out of protest, but you yourself have forbidden yourself sweets because you want to lose weight. You formulate the task as “you can’t eat chocolate,” and not as “I want to lose 5 kg much more than eat chocolate.” The emotional difference is huge and in the second case the chances of resisting increase significantly.

The best way to make long-term changes is to consciously choose a behavior pattern that is useful for yourself and turn it into a habit (that is, into an automatic reaction to similar situations).

The basic recipe is this: when you have a lot of energy and time, connect your identity as often as possible and remind yourself that you really want these changes.

If you are in a hurry, tired, hungry or nervous, your brain resources and self-control are severely limited. In such cases, it is better to come up with “useful default solutions” for yourself. That is, to make it easier to make the right choice in a morally difficult situation than the wrong one. For example, do not forbid yourself to eat sweets, but simply not keep them at home. If you want a chocolate bar, you will have to drag yourself to the store for it, and you will also think about whether it is worth getting ready, going out in the rain, etc.

Another option is to tie a new beneficial action to an existing habit. For example, you decided to recycle at least some of your garbage, but you don’t know how to start. The easiest way is to take one type of garbage that appears frequently (glass bottles or plastic yogurt jars) and hand over only that. Once you get into a routine, you can add a new category.

“if... - then...” principle helps someone For example: “If every weekend morning I read a fiction book, then by the end of the year I will have mastered all the Russian classics.” An important point is that we like to motivate ourselves to do a difficult task by fantasizing about how great it will be to succeed. This in itself is not harmful, but because of such premature optimistic pictures, we overreact to failures and quickly become deflated. When picturing a happy future for yourself, imagine the difficulties in between. If they are part of the plan, you will be much more relaxed about them, this will help you continue what you started.

Conclusion

Learn to recognize and analyze your emotions. Meditation, breath control and a list of your true values in front of your eyes will help you.

Empathize and accept yourself. There are no “wrong” emotions. If you do something against your nature, it will not lead to long-term results. Volitional efforts are good when performing short-term tasks.

Separate your own desires from imposed social attitudes. React to the “internal alarm”; it will tell you that you are not living your life. Develop healthy habits; they raise self-esteem and improve your emotional well-being.

Photo: Daniel Reche, pixabay.com

Self-control

Often, especially in stressful situations, we lose control over our own thoughts. Under the influence of strong emotions, we experience experiences that leave a strong imprint on our consciousness. Today, it is perhaps impossible to completely avoid stress, but what we do with its consequences is our own choice. The basis of stress resistance is primarily emotional intelligence. It is expressed in the ability to read one’s own feelings, understand the nature of their origin and manage them. With low emotional intelligence, we simply give in to the situation and allow stress to build up in our body. As a result, we mentally return to the traumatic situation, intensifying our experiences and increasing our anxiety. This leads to intrapersonal conflict, which literally destroys our psyche and body. When new stress arises, we become even less stable, problems with sleep and nutrition appear, and diseases may even develop. This is due to a pathogenic type of thinking - when we repeatedly replay negative events in our heads, harbor resentment, and think through a plan for revenge. Gradually, this turns into a habit, which is difficult to get rid of, because we find ourselves in a vicious circle: we think negatively and begin to suffer from this, as a result we again think that everything is bad - and provoke deterioration.

Useful habits that you need to develop consciously will help you avoid falling into such a trap. As soon as you notice this behavior, analyze why it is happening. Reflection is a powerful psychological tool that can help you get to the root of a problem. Perhaps self-doubt makes you replay awkward situations in your head over and over again, and the manifestation of even the slightest symptoms causes fear of a serious illness. In each specific case, you should eradicate the cause of apathy through action - develop confidence, visit a doctor, carry out prevention. Control your thoughts and don't let your emotions take over. The opposite of pathogenic thinking is sanogenic behavior, when reason takes precedence over feelings.

Why do you need to control your emotions?

There are many reasons why a person should be the master of his feelings, actions and even facial expressions.

Feelings can come out at the wrong time.
This may be inappropriate.
Unpleasant for others.
This may offend loved ones.
Causes indecision, makes you blush, feel embarrassed. This bothers a person.

But, most importantly, people must be different from animals who express their feelings openly. People consider themselves beings of a different rank. You need to conform. A reasonable person decides for himself when to show feelings and when it is better to keep them to himself. After all, the fate of important relationships: personal or professional may depend on such a situation.

The other side of the issue: emotions harm the person himself. When they go off scale, it begins to affect the body: pressure rises, anxiety and suspiciousness appear. Such disorders harm health and reduce the overall quality of life.

read books

If you love to read, then you know that feeling when you are so engrossed in a book that you forget about everything that is happening around you. Reading an interesting, fascinating book can make you feel like a truly happy person. You will receive a whole range of emotions and impressions.

Reading good literature helps fight negative attitudes, bad mood and even depression. The more you read, the more interesting and wider your inner world will become. You will increase your level of intelligence, which will help you find a way out of any situation. Also, while reading, you can achieve a state of very deep relaxation.

The easiest way

The easiest way to deal with negative emotions is to deprive them of the energy they receive from your thoughts and attention. If you manage to switch to something else, the emotions will quickly fade away. For example, if some device does not work, everything inside us begins to boil. At this moment, you need to transfer your attention to something else, the easiest way is to breathe. It is always with us, and it is easy to concentrate on it. Some people find it easier to count to ten - this works great at the beginning of the boil. If the cause of negative emotions is deeply hidden, other methods will help.

Stages of emotional maturation

It's similar to how a person grows. But not everyone comes with emotional maturity along with physical maturity.

To become emotionally mature, you need to go through these stages to know and understand yourself, and then learn to manage it.

When you meet yourself halfway, you need to first cleanse yourself of negative and repressed feelings and emotions. This is the way of growing up.

First stage. Allowing yourself to enter into the process of growing up

It's like deciding to give birth.

At this point, acknowledge and accept that you are emotionally immature and make the choice to grow up and get to know yourself.

Initially, you may not realize it, but you are already striving for it. Moreover, such a decision may come to you without understanding how emotionally immature you are.

You will simply want something different in life, or circumstances will develop in such a way as to push you towards a “new birth”.

You may not be satisfied with your own reactions to events, the behavior of children, people, and you will want something qualitatively new.

Second phase. Recognizing your reactions

When you were forced to hide negative reactions all your life, raised to be a respectable person, taught to suppress with all your might what might seem indecent to someone, you grew up as a person absolutely far from your true self and ignorant of your real emotions.

You don't know what you are capable of in anger or in joy. Like a small child who accidentally waves a hand near his eyes and does not realize that it is his hand.

The child is just beginning to recognize himself that these are his arms, his legs, they move like that.

Understand and track that you are hiding your emotions or, conversely, throwing them out too violently.

At this stage, recognize your emotions, and to do this, react and show this reaction. Don't hide and muffle, but show it.

Sometimes it will look indecent and shock people who know you as a “balanced person.” And you will be surprised that you can do this.

If you were unable to do this in an environmentally friendly way, then thank the situation, forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness from your interlocutor (you can mentally, if you don’t have the courage to do it personally) and let go of the situation.

After all, she gave you back a piece of herself!

Third stage. Training skills to manage emotions

When you have learned how you can react, what situation causes what emotions, it is time to master the skills of managing your reactions.

There comes an understanding of what caused this reaction, acceptance of the situation and the opportunity to choose: to show it or not. There comes an understanding of how it can be useful to you and others.

This is a mutual process - you will never react to a person who does not have aggression, and if he does have it, then yours points it out to him.

Or, realizing that this is your reaction to your own dissatisfaction with yourself, you will be able to restrain yourself and express your opinion in the mildest form.

And then you will find a way to release this reaction from yourself, based on what is appropriate for the health of the body and relationships, maintaining balance, satisfying your need and not offending the other person.

You will now be able to choose when to react and when to work through it alone with yourself. Not by assessing yourself as “good” or “bad,” but by accepting the fact that it is in you and it needs to come out.

Thus, you maintain your health, both physical and psychological.

Prevent, suppress or release? Three wrong techniques for managing emotions

"How to be? - you ask. - On the one hand, negative emotions are a kind of instincts, which are useless to fight. On the other hand, the consequences of their destructive influence on our lives are obvious. So is it possible to control emotions or is it beyond our power?”

Reasonable question! Having asked myself this question, I began searching for techniques for managing emotions, which are most often recommended by experts. But it turned out that not all of their recommendations work. I will talk about erroneous techniques for managing emotions and explain why they are ineffective.

Mistaken technique for managing emotions #1. Preventing Emotions

Surely, when you asked the question “Why can’t I control my emotions,” you inadvertently thought that it would be better not to experience them at all.

Yes, that would be very convenient. But, unfortunately, it is impossible to completely prevent emotions and eliminate their occurrence. It is part of our life and human nature.

We have already touched on this topic above. Whatever one may say, our emotional reactions are based on instincts. This means that it is impossible to prevent their occurrence.

Mistaken technique for managing emotions No. 2. Spilling out emotions

What happens if you take out your emotions on others? In the end you will be left completely alone. After all, scandalous, quarrelsome, unbalanced people are not liked and are avoided.

And what is most important is that when it “splashes out”, the problem is in no way solved, but only worsens. In addition, by throwing out emotions, you waste a huge amount of energy and internal resources.

This strategy may provide temporary relief, but in the long run it only drains you and damages your relationships with others, damaging your reputation.

Mistaken technique for managing emotions No. 3. Suppression of emotions

Often, in order to make everything look decent on the outside, people use the strategy of suppression, that is, holding back emotions. This technique is not only ineffective, but also dangerous!

Remember your state when you tried to “push” the resentment inside yourself. How did you feel? A lump in your throat or a heartbeat in your temples? Tears coming to your eyes, or an unpleasant chill running down your back?

What about anger? It has a destructive effect on the entire body. Anger bursts inside you, you want to scream and defend yourself, your fists are clenched, your muscles are tense as much as possible. And here we, wanting to suppress or restrain emotions, begin to calm ourselves down, try to “accept the situation,” agree or reconcile. But this is real self-abuse!

Understand that suppressed emotions do not leave the body anywhere: they accumulate, settle in the soul and begin to poison you from the inside. When enough of these emotions accumulate, they form energy blocks in the body that we often don’t even feel. They “sit” in us for years, causing serious harm.

What if you have followed this flawed strategy and bottled up your emotions your entire life? There are practices that can relieve you of repressed emotions that have settled deep inside and created energy blocks. I'll share two of my favorites.

How to get rid of the consequences of holding back emotions

If your life is full of stressful situations and you don’t know how to control your emotions, then you don’t need to wait for the first alarming symptoms. Just start doing these exercises daily. If life is measured and calm, once a week will be enough.

Exercise 1. Liberation through dance

Turn on fun, rhythmic music and start moving. Remember that your goal is not to dance beautifully and gracefully. Something else is important here, namely: to make sure that every part of your body is involved in this improvised dance.

Let your arms dangle freely, your legs twitch randomly, and your head shake like a real rocker. The main thing is to relax and enjoy the process.

On the topic: “Dance while wishing!”: Simoron technique for fulfilling desires

Have fun like a child and believe that now everything bad is leaving your body. And the vacated space is filled with enthusiasm, lightness and joy. Let every cell of your body participate in this pleasant, liberating process.

Exercise 2: Liberation through Gratitude

For this practice, you will also need music, but calmer and melodic.

Take a horizontal position and close your eyes. Your task is to find tension in the body and relieve it through relaxation. Wander your attention to each part of your body and, when you notice tension, thank it

.
Then thank yourself
and then release the tension by releasing it through relaxation.

This practice can be done every evening, devoting 10-15 minutes to it before going to bed.

Both exercises can work through energy blocks even in the most hidden corners of the body, relieving you of the negative consequences of years of holding back emotions.

We're going to be a plus

After a reliable feeling of a neutral state, it would be good to get into the black. To do this, feel what you can be grateful for in life right now. This is at least the opportunity to walk, hear, sleep on a bed with clean linen. For those who try, but do not feel gratitude, the advice is to try to imagine themselves without it.

For those who are especially inquisitive, who want to feel it in such a way that it “gets through”, there is an effective recommendation. You need to tie your hands behind your back and try to live a normal life like this for at least an hour. The understanding that there is value and for which life can be grateful with feeling will quickly appear, I assure you.

Controlling emotions: exercises

The exercises presented below can be performed at any time when you need to control your emotions, i.e. in real time. Traditionally, they are suitable for negative emotions, but for variety and to hone the skill, you can practice them while experiencing positive emotions. We will offer four exercises in total:

The first exercise is to replace any negative emotions with positive ones, for example, anger and malice with joy and laughter. For example, you are arguing with a person, and the atmosphere is becoming increasingly tense. At the moment of apogee, when emotions are rushing out, tell the person something that he does not expect to hear at all. For example, you can say to your loved one: “You are so dear to me” or “I love you.” If this is a friend, say: “You are the best friend in the world!” Answer your boss: “You are a very cool leader.” But be careful that it doesn’t look like a mockery. Having done everything correctly, you will instantly extinguish emotions – both yours and your interlocutor’s.
The second exercise is a variation of the first, but it is designed more to change your own state. At the moment when you realize that you are unable to contain negative emotions and a corresponding reaction is about to follow, transform it into the exact opposite. If something annoying and very unpleasant has happened, and you want to “erupt in thunder,” make an effort and smile, laugh, jump for joy. Think about what good can come out of the situation and start enjoying it like a child. Do the same with other negative emotions.
The third exercise is journaling. It may seem unusual, but it is very helpful in controlling emotions and controlling anger. Buy a notebook and make it an “emotion diary.” Whenever you feel yourself starting to get angry, sad, guilty, or resentful, sit down in a chair or at a table and start writing. But write not what worries you, but on the contrary - all the good things that happened during the day, what is in your life, what you are happy about. Switch from negative to positive. You will begin to think in a different direction, and your mood will begin to change. Save your notes, and in moments of the next negative experience, make new ones and re-read old ones. As a result, your “emotion diary” will be filled with a lot of pleasant impressions and memories that will help you control your emotions better and better.
The fourth exercise allows you to neutralize negative emotions or at least minimize their manifestation and impact on the psyche. It is similar to the previous one, but if then you wrote down all the good events in your diary, now you are throwing out on paper everything that worries you. You don’t need a diary for this - you just take paper and pen and write everything that comes to your mind. After you have expressed all your thoughts, take this piece of paper and burn it, imagining that all negative emotions turn into ashes. You can also use one more variation: divide the sheet into two parts, where the first will contain bad emotions, and the second will contain the opposite good ones. Then cut the sheet, burn the “bad” half, and keep the “good” half for yourself and re-read it several times, concentrating on the positive. This exercise will help you endure bad events more easily, restrain your emotions, and endure anger.

We hope that our article, although it did not open your eyes to the importance and features of managing emotions, has expanded your knowledge and given food for thought. The only other thing we can advise is to try with all your being to accept the idea that you are capable of becoming the master of your feelings and emotions, stop being their slave and follow their lead

We wish you to always believe in yourself and, looking in the mirror, see in the reflection a successful, joyful and satisfied person with life. And finally, some more advice from psychologists. Good luck!

Common mistakes

In psychology, emotions are not divided into good and bad. Therefore, managing feelings does not mean fighting or suppressing them. Let's see what not to do:

Block emotions. Let's say I'm feeling angry right now. But since I don’t want to experience it, I need to push the anger back away. What will I get with this approach? Systematic suppression of strong emotions will provoke stress and eventually lead to depression. The apogee of such management will be various physiological diseases.
Masquerade as false positive. Various self-development gurus tell us in unison that we need to think positively. In other words, when you are angry, just put on a smile and everything will go away. It's like trying to cover a hole in the wall with a painting rather than putting effort into repairing it. Masking is not a solution to the problem.
Indulging in your emotions. This means yelling when angry, hiding under the bed when scared, withdrawing into oneself when depressed, etc. Perhaps such irresponsibility will not cause much damage to the body, but it can play a cruel joke on your reputation and relationships with loved ones.
Shift responsibility to emotions. In this case, the person justifies his words and actions by saying that he was simply angry, simply did not get enough sleep, or was simply hurt. Only a hostage of his own feelings can act this way, but certainly not the master of life.

Take a rest

Rest is a great way to relieve emotions; it is especially good at combating irritability. The more tired you are, the more difficult it is for you to adequately respond to the world around you. This happens because your level of thinking drops to the lowest level. Many people understand that they need to rest more, but still underestimate it.

You can work hard for a long time, but then, due to fatigue, make a bunch of mistakes, which will negate all your work and efforts. The best rest for the brain is sleep; it also reboots the entire body. You should improve your sleep, because people who get good sleep are less irritable than those who don't get enough sleep.

Emotions are the colors of experiences

Emotions are experiences through which a person can express his attitude towards the world around him and himself. All emotions are expressed not so much verbally as through facial expressions, which involve the eyes, eyebrows, and mouth. Very often, strong emotions are accompanied by expressive movements and gestures.

Rice. 1. Human facial expressions.

The range of human emotions is very wide, and it is not difficult to distinguish them by facial expression. The most important of them include the following:

Anger, rage, anger are very strong negative emotions that a person expresses as a protest against perceived injustice. In a fit of anger, the lips are compressed tightly or, on the contrary, parted slightly, exposing the teeth. The eyes are narrowed, the eyebrows are drawn together on the bridge of the nose, the forehead is furrowed.
Joy is a bright positive experience associated with a person’s internal state or a situation favorable to him. It’s hard not to notice such an emotion: the face breaks into a smile, the eyes are slightly squinted and literally glow with happiness.
Fear is a natural protective reaction of the body when a threat to its well-being or health arises. A person constrained by fear raises his eyebrows and involuntarily opens his mouth and eyes.
Sadness is a depressed state in which the mood worsens, sometimes for no apparent reason. The corners of the lips droop, the gaze becomes sad, thoughtful.

Rice. 2. Sadness.

Surprise is a vivid experience that reflects the contradiction between old knowledge and new experience. A surprised person, as a rule, raises his eyebrows, widens his eyes, and opens his mouth slightly.
Calmness is a state of complete satisfaction with yourself and the world around you. Facial expressions are almost completely absent.

Of course, at different moments in life a person experiences many more emotions, including excitement, interest, indifference, resentment, embarrassment, pity and many others.

Emotions are experienced not only by humans, but also by animals. Looking at a cat or dog, you can easily determine what mood it is in. Scientists have proven that the more complex an animal is organized, the wider the range of emotions it is capable of experiencing.

"I'm always right, even if I'm wrong"

Every person wants to be right.
This is fine. We need to understand that this is the norm not only in relation to ourselves, but also in relation to other people. There is no need to take away their right to express their own opinions. In everyday life, the desire to be right leads to many negative situations and emotions, especially in the relationships of spouses, parents and children. There are many paths to the goal. If we have found one way, this does not mean that another person will not find theirs. The main thing in this case is a flexible internal attitude: “I know how I would do it, but another person can do it differently.”

Develop self-confidence

How to learn to turn off emotions? Train self-confidence. A person who considers himself an excellent specialist and a wonderful person will be less irritable and more objective. A self-confident person will be cool-headed. Look at any famous businessman. Its very appearance inspires calm and tranquility. A person feels a similar state within himself. A person can suppress his emotions by withdrawing from them. High self-esteem does not allow the brain to break through the psychological defenses, and it does not panic every time it hears not very pleasant things about itself or about loved ones. A person who can independently judge certain circumstances and not listen to gossip will go very far.

Why can people deliberately spoil the mood of others? Energy vampires feed on the emotions of weak-willed people. How do vampires turn off emotions? They piss you off and boost their self-esteem at your expense. Don't let anyone do this.

What is emotional vulnerability

Emotional vulnerability is a congenital or acquired state of a person in which he becomes very susceptible to any emotions and feelings: both negative (anger, guilt, shame, anxiety) and positive (joy, interest, satisfaction, love). Such people are also called highly sensitive. Psychological metrics allow us to understand this state. In their work, psychologists use a ten-point scale to assess the intensity of emotions, where 1 is an almost complete absence of emotion, and 10 is an emotional maximum. So people with emotional vulnerability rate their ordinary emotions from 7 points and above. In addition to intensity, their reactions are characterized by frequency and duration, and their actions and decisions are characterized by impulsiveness.

Literally any unpleasant event can throw a sensitive person off balance. This property accompanies him in all areas of activity: at work and at home, with friends and family, in a fitness club or public transport. In most cases, vulnerable people do not even have time to realize how quickly they are plunging into the abyss of emotional experiences. Captured by emotion, they lose sight of real goals, and therefore experience difficulties with productivity.

Emotional vulnerability can be a permanent personality trait of a person, or it can be a situational phenomenon. In the latter case, we can talk about temporary emotional vulnerability. High sensitivity and intense reactions to stimuli in this case are caused by stressful events. Such as layoffs at work, problems with one’s own health or the health of loved ones, difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Our “armor” also weakens under the influence of various deprivations: lack of sleep, nutrition (for example, with strict diets), physical activity. Temporary emotional vulnerability can also be associated with various types of traumatic events, when a person faces a threat to his own life or witnesses such events. Once involved in a car accident, a person can become susceptible to strong emotions just by looking at the car. It is in this context that his emotional vulnerability will manifest itself.

How to control emotions in a specific situation

#1. Try to focus on what is happening

It is very easy to give in to feelings and react irrationally to things that happen. When you feel yourself spiraling into uncontrollable emotional reactions, take a mental step back and focus on your physical sensations. This will help you “distract” your mind from the emotions that prevent you from perceiving the reality around you.

If you experience strong emotions, you will also experience various physical symptoms, such as a rapid heart rate, muscle stiffness, and rapid shallow breathing. Consciously monitor your physical reactions. Imagine you are a doctor looking at a patient

For example, if you suddenly feel very anxious, pay attention to what is happening to you: “My heart is pounding very hard and my palms are sweating,” “I suddenly feel dizzy,” “I have a really bad stomach ache,” etc. Be aware of these feelings and accept them as they are.

Don't try to classify them as "bad" or try to get rid of them. Consciousness is formed from many information paths that are combined into one. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions can be caused by emotional reactions and experiences that are tormenting you. In the event of any sudden emotional outburst, always focus on one thing, such as a smell, touch or visual perception. This will help your brain process these information pathways more efficiently, avoiding emotional overload.

#2. Focus on your breathing

When your body experiences strong emotions, a defensive reaction is activated, tension and spasm occur in the body. The brain begins to work on the “attack or flight” principle.

To avoid this, you need to calm your body and brain. This is why deep breathing is recommended in any stressful situation. When you breathe deeply and evenly, the body receives oxygen, which is necessary for relaxation and normalization of mental processes.

Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach under your ribcage. Take a deep breath through your nose and count to four. Feel your lungs and stomach stretch. Hold your breath for 1-2 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Try to breathe about 6-10 times per minute. If you find it difficult to count to four, you can start with two, gradually increasing the duration

It is important to breathe as deeply as possible.

#3. Use visualization techniques

This method helps some people relax even in stressful situations. It may take you some time to learn, but once you find the right visualization for you, it will help you deal with stressful situations more confidently.

How to effectively manage your emotional state

We have already discussed the non-working methods of managing emotions. Are there any that are effective? Yes!

Here are 4 rules for working with emotions. Implement them in your life and you will become a person in control of your emotions.

Rule #1. Change your attitude towards emotions

Be accepting and loving of all the emotions you experience. Understand that dividing them into negative and positive is only a convention. All emotions have the right to exist, because they are yours. So love and accept them!

Promise yourself that from now on you will not be angry with yourself for showing any emotions, even if they seem destructive to you.

Let's say you got angry and even rude to someone. How to accept this emotion? Very simply, tell yourself: “Okay, I can handle this, it’s okay, I’ll ask the person for forgiveness and honestly admit that it was too much.”

This is what it means to control emotions!

Rule #2. Live the emotion to the maximum

Suppose you are angry and there is a storm inside you. You want to throw out everything that has accumulated.

Don't try to drown it out! It’s better to find a secluded place where no one will disturb you or hear you (a separate room, a storage room, a toilet, an elevator).

Let off some steam. Talk or even shout out everything that has accumulated. Engage your body: stomp your feet, shake your head, cry if necessary. In a word, live this emotion to the fullest. And then - say goodbye to her and let her go, returning to a normal, measured life.

And always remember: it won't last longer than 15 minutes! Is this insignificant period of time really worth a ruined relationship or a damaged reputation?

Rule #3. Develop Emotional Intelligence

An emotion without a “tail” in the form of a negative attitude is not so scary. But this is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better.

The next time you feel out of control, try to recognize what your emotions are expressing and what they are trying to tell you. Observe your reactions and try to outline the full range of emotions that you are capable of experiencing. It will gradually expand.

But remember an important rule: first, we experience the emotion as safely as possible for others, and only then consciously analyze it. Not the other way around.

Over time, you will begin to feel the world more subtly. You will watch the film and see several layers deeper than other people. You will listen to music and hear more than others. In many ways, you will get to know yourself again.

Emotional perception will become sharper, the level of empathy and compassion will increase, you will begin to better understand others and be more loyal to their expressions of emotions. After all, not everyone knows how to control their emotions, and may not always cope with them either.

Rule #4. Swear "kindly"

I overheard this rule from cosmonaut Sergei Ryazansky, and therefore I called it “cosmic” to myself. When asked in an interview how cosmonauts manage to avoid quarreling with colleagues during long flights, he spoke about the ability to “swear kindly.”

The technique is simple. When someone annoys you to such an extent that you want to kill him, you need to step aside and calm down. You can return to dialogue only when you are ready to sort out the situation “kindly.”

Sergei shared that during such dialogues it always turns out that one of the warring parties had problems that were not related to this quarrel. But, since he was excited, he communicated accordingly. The conflict is over. This is what emotion means!

Note that this rule does not encourage you to avoid conflict or hold back your emotions. On the contrary, the dialogue must be completed, but only in a calm state.

Take this space method into service!

Knowing yourself strengthens mental control

We all consider ourselves great experts on human nature, and above all our own. However, this is not always the case. Each person is a separate and unique individual and is not at all immutable.

Our behavior can greatly depend on our mood and external circumstances. The psyche of any person is incredibly complex, and therefore many of us find ourselves completely unable to recognize what specific character traits and subconscious impulses push us to certain behaviors and habits.

Remember how often, when someone did something bad, you later heard from him: “I don’t know what came over me - as if it wasn’t me.” But in fact, there is not an ounce of truth in this statement. Because this man was just himself, and did what was typical for him - he simply did not understand it.

The better we know ourselves, the more self-control we have - after all, we know how we can react to various situations, that is, we are able to prepare for it in advance.

From the position of a victim to the position of a student

If troubles come into life, we sometimes ask ourselves: “Why?”, “Why do I need this?” This way of asking the question reflects the position of the victim, creates a negative attitude and takes away our strength. Self-pity and hatred of others fill the mind, which switches from solving a problem to expressing emotions. Thoughts are unproductive and spin in circles. You can break this circle by switching from the position of a victim to the position of a student. Ask yourself these questions: What is this teaching me? What should I learn to solve the problem? In this case, we direct our energy to solving the problem, and not to generating negative emotions.

The origins of this method are in Eastern philosophy. It is suitable in many situations. In case of loss of loved ones or other sad events, you need to give yourself time. In any case, mourning a loss is a normal way for anyone to emotionally cope with grief. If your own resources are not enough to come to your senses and adapt to the new situation, it is better to consult a psychologist.