What is abuse? How to deal with it? Or maybe the abuser is me? Let's find out! [parsing]

What is abuse and why is it dangerous?

Abuse is a term meaning violence, mistreatment, insult.
Abuse is also a form of psychological, physical, sexual or economic violence against a person. An abuser can be anyone: a partner, friend, acquaintance, colleague, teacher, relative or neighbor. Anyone can also take the place of the victim. A cute little girl psychologically breaks a stern jock no worse than a huge man does with his wife, and children manipulate their parents as successfully as they manipulate them. The aggressor may think that he is doing everything right, because he does not receive a drop of pleasure from his behavior and, in his opinion, is pursuing good goals.

Violence is dangerous not only because it can cause physical harm. Any form of pressure affects the psyche, and not everyone can leave a relationship without emotional losses. The consequences can be serious: decreased self-esteem, loss of self-esteem, the emergence of confidence in one’s own worthlessness, the emergence of pathological anxiety, paranoia, depression, suicidal thoughts and the desire to harm oneself physically.

It is important to note that the victim does not always have the opportunity to limit communication with the abuser, especially if it is a close relative. For example, young children will not be able to leave and live independently of their parents, and parents, in turn, will not be able to abandon their aggressive child. Also, aggressors can deliberately instill a feeling of guilt in their victim so that she does not resist manipulation.

Why many women don't leave toxic relationships

For many women, the only relationships they were in were toxic ones: with parents, friends, lovers. A very small percentage of people actually know what a mature relationship is.

It is important to understand that only low self-esteem and dislike for oneself can make a woman think that she is in love with such a man. A woman who loves herself will never allow this relationship to go too far on the first, second or third date. Under no circumstances will she have sexual intercourse with such a man, will not start living with them, will not lend him money, because she loves herself. When they make demands and claims on her from the very beginning, she turns around and leaves.

So, can you explain it with a real example?

Yes, here is the story of a real girl who faced abuse (we do not give the girl’s first and last name at her request - note F.): “The word abuse appeared in my vocabulary only a year ago. Then I didn’t yet understand that my boyfriend was an abuser and a narcissist. Initially, he behaved well, even too well, tried to please me in every way. At the beginning of the relationship I got away with a lot, he valued me and said only nice words. But over time, everything began to change for the worse. At first he tried to control everything I did: he asked me to report on where I was going and with whom, who was writing to me, and what I was doing now. Then the young man began to hint that he didn’t like these friends, so it would be nice if I stopped communicating with them.

In parallel with total control, the guy began to constantly make evil jokes at me and even insult me, finding it funny. But that didn't really bother me. What really bothered me was that he convinced me of my unattractiveness, stupidity, unreliability and sloppiness. This conviction happened gradually, so I didn’t even notice how I began to consider myself a stupid freak. When he found my weaknesses, he began to manipulate. He put pressure on the feeling of his own worthlessness: “no one will love you like that”, “they won’t hire you with such an education”, “other girls did ... but you didn’t”, “groomed”, “you should be glad that I put up with you” and in this spirit.

This begs the question “why didn’t you immediately break off the relationship with the abuser as soon as such insults began?” But don’t forget, my partner convinced me that he is the best guy on earth, and I am a loser who is incredibly lucky to date him. Please note that he was usually good, especially for strangers, my parents and friends loved him because they didn’t know how toxic he could be. From time to time he tried to leave me, and I came running all in tears and begged him not to do it. Over time, I realized that this was one of the methods of manipulation. The young man made me worry about a possible breakup in order to force me to do what I don’t want. Due to such a relationship, I developed nervousness and constantly thought about what a failure I was. She even stopped wearing skirts because she was embarrassed by what he thought were her crooked legs. This went on for about a year. We broke up because he raised his hand to me. The guy was a narcissist, so he wouldn't admit he did anything wrong. Fortunately, he did not inflict injuries on me that would threaten my health - he just gave me a few strong slaps in the face. But then I was so offended that this was the last straw in our relationship.

I would like to advise those who have a similar situation not to humiliate themselves and not tolerate such behavior. You will still meet someone who will love you no matter what kind of legs you have or how many pimples on your forehead. Do not convince yourself that this is love for centuries, because a person who behaves this way does not deserve to be with you. Don’t ruin your life and break up as quickly as possible, while nothing binds you.”

Is it the woman herself who is to blame for this or is she simply unlucky with men?

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I would not use the word “guilty” - the word “responsibility” is more suitable here. Because a woman is truly responsible for the man she chooses. Gone are the days when you had to marry the man your parents chose and endure him for the rest of your life. Now our eyes are quite wide open, there is a sea of ​​​​opportunities. We can even choose a man from a different social class, with a different skin color, with a different religion. Therefore, in matters of relations between a man and a woman, I prefer the word “responsibility”: we are all responsible for the relationships that we build.

How can you clearly differentiate between what is abuse and what is not?

Here are several types of abuse and the main actions of people who fall under this concept:

Psychological: The rapist puts moral pressure on the self-esteem of another person, putting him in a state of helplessness and hopelessness. The aggressor insults, humiliates, blackmails, ridicules, dominates or even threatens his victim. He also looks for a weak point so that he can then begin to manipulate. For example, health (after your words my blood pressure rose), feelings of pity (I have no one but you), duty (unlike you, I always come to your aid), fear (no one will love you except me) . Often, due to psychological violence, the victim injures himself, feeling guilty. An abuser can do this, but only to make the victim feel guilty. You can read why people deliberately hurt themselves here.

Financial: The abuser limits and completely controls all financial flows of another person at will. Vivid examples of victims of this type are women on maternity leave, disabled people, old people, children and teenagers who do not have the opportunity to work. But people who earn money but do not manage their money themselves can also be victims.

Physical: The aggressor hits, pushes, strangles, slaps, damages property, restricts the ability to move freely or communicate with other people.

Sexual: The abuser does not take into account the desire and physical condition of the partner, perceiving him as an object to satisfy his sexual needs. Most often, the rapist is a man, motivating his behavior by the fact that a woman must fulfill her marital duty. During sexual abuse, the victim experiences the same emotions as during rape.

However, if a person raised his voice a couple of times, spoke rudely or made fun of you, this does not mean that he is an abuser. Perhaps he had a bad day, he was overtired or nervous, so he could not control himself. A distinctive feature of aggressors is that their toxic actions are stable. But sometimes an abuser may alternate between abusive and nurturing behavior so that the person turns a blind eye to his negative character traits.

It is important to understand that if the “victim” is completely satisfied with such behavior, then this cannot be considered abuse. You must clearly understand whether such a relationship suits you or whether you are deceiving yourself because you are being manipulated.

Why many women are attracted to the toxic bully type

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It is believed that a daring bully is a person who can achieve a lot. A woman looks at a man as a breadwinner who will earn money and provide for his family. Initially, the daring is perceived as courageous, purposeful, capable of acting as a protector and support. But this is only one side of the coin that girls see when they look at the world through rose-colored glasses.

What should I do if I am a victim of an abuser?

We turned to psychologist Veronica Malova to explain what to do for people who have become victims of an abuser in the most common situations. Here are her recommendations:

At school, university, at work - reduce communication as much as possible, keep the abuser at a distance. Don't talk about personal things, don't show your weak points. Understand your boundaries and protect them. Openly state what you don’t like, be able to stop the other and say “no” that does not turn into “yes”. If you need to interact, but it is very difficult, turn to intermediaries for help, explain the situation to them and communicate through them. Ignore the actions of manipulators when they try to play on feelings of guilt, pity or target your self-esteem.

In relationships, in family - don’t try to sort things out every time, they still don’t hear you, even if they say that they heard and now everything will definitely be different. Remember: it won’t be otherwise, the abuser will not change! If you live together, provide escape routes (money, documents, the opportunity to stay somewhere, people from whom you can ask for help). Agreeing to “just meet and talk” if you have already ended the relationship is a dead end. You will again receive a portion of hysteria, accusations, promises, which have one goal - to return you to exhausting contact.

Universal recommendations for all victims: do not blame yourself, do not take what is imposed. You are not to blame for anything! Don't justify the rapist! Expand your social circle so that the abuser does not become the center of the world. You need to rely on other points of view on your situation. Give yourself the right and time to experience any emotions associated with the breakup: grieve, mourn, be sad. And remember that the best way to communicate with an abuser is the complete absence of this communication. Don't hesitate to contact a psychologist. If you have been in an abusive relationship for a long time, psychotherapy will help you recover, heal your wounds and love yourself again.

How to protect yourself from toxic relationships

First, start loving yourself. The most important thing is the inner feeling that you are worthy. You are worthy of love simply by the right of birth in the body of a woman. Form your environment so that people admire your talents and do not devalue, belittle, or humiliate you in any way.

You can attend courses to increase self-esteem and use meditation. Or try affirmations - magic phrases that help you believe in yourself, which we would like to hear from our parents, but which we did not hear. Now that we are adults, we can tell them to ourselves.

Study various materials: these could be online trainings about self-love, increasing self-esteem, feminine dignity, about harmonious relationships between a man and a woman. The most important thing is to regularly act according to the plan that a woman develops individually for herself.

Love is an action. It is no coincidence that it ends with a soft sign, like all verbs in the Russian language. When answering the question about love, you want to understand that these are not just words, but these are actions aimed at taking care of yourself, paying attention to yourself.

Why do people become abusers and what should I do if the abuser is me?

There are many reasons why people become abusers, here are the most basic:

• there were abusive relationships in the parental family;
• the rapist grew up in a dysfunctional family;
• the aggressor was subjected to any type of violence;
• low self-esteem, which the abuser unconsciously tries to increase by humiliating another;
• mental disorders and diseases;
• abusive behavior has been instilled as the norm since childhood;
• character traits: demonstrativeness, aggressiveness, manipulativeness, authoritarianism, inability to control oneself, selfishness.

— If you suddenly (or gradually, or at the insistence of someone) decide that you are an abuser, double-check with other people and specialists. True abusers have very low criticism of their own behavior. They are confident that they are right and that they were “provoked” and “pushed.” Ask your partners, relatives, friends what offends them in your words and actions, what causes them pain and difficulty. Learn ways to express aggression and frustration constructively.

Learn to speak and voice your emotions, discuss problems with your partner. And be sure to learn to do this at the moment difficulties arise, and not when you are already gushing and losing control. The best option is to consult a psychologist. With it, you can analyze your typical methods of communication and understand what you are missing in contact with others, what you are not taking into account, or what you are adding too much,” recommends Veronika Malova.

What kind of woman do you need to become to attract only healthy relationships?

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In order for a woman to attract only healthy relationships, she needs to become mature, an adult, one who has let go of all her grievances. Resentment is a child's reaction. If we continue to be offended by our parents because they didn’t give us something in childhood, didn’t say some words, didn’t hug us, we won’t be able to move on, we won’t be able to grow up. Only by letting go of these negative emotions will we be able to build organic relationships with people - not only with a man, but also with children, girlfriends, colleagues at work.

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Signs

There are certain manifestations of a partner’s behavior that you cannot turn a blind eye to. Otherwise, there is a great risk of driving yourself into an irreparable state, when there are no resources to correct the unsatisfactory situation. The signs of an abusive relationship with a man are literally obvious. It is impossible not to notice them, but some women prefer to remain silent for years and do not take decisive action. They are stopped by the fear that things will get worse.

Constant humiliation

If a partner allows you to talk to your significant other in a raised voice, then you cannot rely on him. When you have to endure humiliation, it means that the relationship is not only not ideal, but already pathological. If a loved one allows himself to go beyond what is permissible, you need to pay attention to this. Conversations usually involve nagging and accusations. In fact, the reproaches are unfounded. If a person categorically does not know how to defend himself, then only disappointment will inevitably await him.

Pathological jealousy

Another sign that often haunts depressed relationships. One of the spouses torments the other with endless suspicions of infidelity, although there is not the slightest reason for this. Jealousy takes on cosmic proportions and does not allow anyone to feel happy. If a spouse stays somewhere after work, then increased claims are made against him. Living with a pathological jealous person is not just difficult, but completely unbearable.

Sudden change of mood

Such manifestations are not always considered a sign of bad character. Often people forgive each other for aggressive attacks and even harsh statements, without fully understanding where they come from. When a partner allows rudeness, even insulting words addressed to you, it’s time to sound the alarm. You need to think about why he humiliates you, what he wants to prove by this. This probably makes it easier for him to overcome his own feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Real threats should not be ignored. When a man shows rudeness and humiliation towards a woman, he cannot be considered right, which means he does not love or appreciate her.

How not to return to an abuser: my advice

The aggressor almost always begins to persecute his victim, not allowing him to survive the recovery period - this is why it is difficult to leave the abuser. The tyrant insists on his own, makes tearful apologies, gives gifts and provokes his wife to return to the family. But after some time, new problems begin.

Leaving an abusive person should be done with the support of friends or relatives, and it is also important to endure psychological quarantine. It may make sense to temporarily change your place of residence and get away from any contact with your ex-husband.