Quarter life crisis. 25 signs you have it and ways to deal with it

For boys and girls, the age period from 20 to 30 years is associated with a whole range of significant life events: this is the beginning of a truly adult, independent existence, active socialization, and a new civil status.
In addition, at this moment, men continue to actively search for themselves in the profession, and for women, the primordial task finally comes to the fore - creating a family and having children.

At this age, it is natural to say goodbye to youthful dreams and an unprincipled meeting face to face with the surrounding reality, which is rarely kind and fair.

That is why such a wonderful and interesting period for a huge number of people is often overshadowed by a psychological crisis. What he might be connected with and how he will learn to live with him - let's try to figure it out.

What it is?

Classical psychology did not describe this crisis period in a person’s life in detail. But very soon it will take its place alongside other significant periods of change. It is called a quarter-life or century crisis.

This phenomenon is expressed through:

1. plunging into depression;
2. unexpected hysteria;
3. feeling like a complete insignificance.

This is just a short list of negative conditions.

Interesting contemporary observations on this subject were first published by Alexandra Robbins and Abby Willner in a book called The Quarter Life Crisis: The Unique Life Challenges of the 20-something.

The publication instantly became a global bestseller, after which professional psychologists drew attention to the psychological phenomenon and conducted their own research that scientifically confirmed the existence of a “quarter-century crisis.”

Some young people talk about a feeling of zeroing out, when everything accumulated loses its meaning, confusion and uncertainty sets in. Previously, everything was clear: study and you will get a job, get married and you will find happiness. And then, suddenly, you need to again look for your path, purpose, spiritual meaning.

The crisis is called a “crisis of ambition.” The expected ease and excitement of adult life does not occur, and self-realization even after receiving a higher education does not come “automatically.”

Causes of midlife crisis

All people come to this state in different ways, because each of us has our own unique life experiences and our own set of unfulfilled plans and desires. However, there are several main reasons that are almost always present. If we talk specifically about the male midlife crisis, the most common reasons are:

1. Old plans and goals lose relevance, and new ones are absent.
2. Interest in work disappears, the person begins to doubt that he is doing his job.
3. The man becomes disillusioned with family life (the children study poorly and grow up disobedient; quarrels regularly occur with his wife). As a result, he begins to doubt that he made the right choice many years ago.
4. The realization comes that many dreams will remain unfulfilled.
5. For the first time in his life, a man is faced with a real deterioration in his health, including in the sexual sphere, and realizes that youth is passing.
6. There comes an awareness and feeling that the period of greatest opportunities (career, physical, sports, sexual, emotional and others) is left behind.

Reasons and essence

The causes of the crisis and its content may differ by gender.

For men

The stronger sex has the following reasons:

1. Since childhood, children hear from adults about the importance of a good education and success in making money. He tries and fulfills the requirements and meets the expectations of his parents. This is how the stereotype of money = success is cultivated in the mind. And then, at the age of 25, a loser complex may appear if, after graduating from university and starting work, material prosperity did not occur.
2. Parents insist on finding a job and at the same time continue to support and sponsor young people in every possible way with the best intentions, but this can lead to a loss of interest in independent advancement and self-discovery.
3. Infantilism, unwillingness to accept new responsibilities and bear responsibility for one’s actions.
4. Lack of self-confidence, doubts that the path in life was chosen correctly.

For women

For women, the reasons and essence are as follows:

1. Formation of quasi-needs, constant comparison of oneself with the bright gloss of fashion magazines and the flow of beautiful photographs of girlfriends and acquaintances on Instagram. Virtual values ​​are accepted as the norm, and their results are devalued.
2. Dreams that were formed earlier are shattered by reality, the chosen profession does not bring pleasure, and with marriage comes a lot of responsibility and sometimes disappointment.
3. A feeling of misunderstanding on the part of those closest to you - spouse, children, parents, friends and acquaintances.

What is the essence of the crisis?

From childhood, your parents instill in you that you are special and very talented. They comment on successes and small achievements with the phrases “You are a genius,” “What a great guy you are!”, “You have a great future.” You grow up feeling like a star, destined for a special destiny (a special destiny means a road strewn with accomplishments and achievements).

Success at school, victories at Olympiads, admission to a prestigious university and the understanding that you can do some things better than everyone else only strengthen this feeling. Let's add to this the expectations of parents, parents' friends and neighbors in the country.

Everyone has their own scenario, but the result is the same: confidence in their exclusivity, faith in their special luck and dreams of great things. This confidence is also reinforced by the media and social networks, which shout about the special talents that Mark Zuckerberg, Mozart and others possessed since childhood. Of course, when you come into contact with reality, not everything always works out, but the first failures can always be justified: “Steve Jobs also had failures, or look at JK Rowling.” You wrap yourself deeper into the mantle of the chosen one, nurturing your ego and dreaming of a bright future.

Meanwhile, your student years fly by, and suddenly you wake up in the formal status of an adult. From this moment on, life begins to pull you out of your infantile dreams and forces you to grow up, step by step killing false “I” and destroying fantasies. The process goes quite quickly, and by the age of 24, part of the personality dies.

Actually, the quarter-life crisis is the death of the false self.

At 23–24 you are pinned down, but at 25 you face it practically naked: there are almost no illusions left, the new skills of an adult are still not functioning well, you feel very vulnerable.

Yes, this turning point is very difficult to survive. This is truly a crisis, so there is nothing surprising in depression, hysterics and the feeling that you are a complete insignificance.

giphy.com

At these moments, it is important to understand that everyone goes through this. Some people have higher or lower stress levels, but everyone goes through this, and you will too. The main thing is to try to break as little wood as possible, no matter how hard the pins may be.

Phases, stages and stages

Researcher O. Robinson from the University of Greenwich defines a crisis as going through several phases:

1. A feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of impasse in all areas of life, joylessness of existence, unfulfillment in a career or personal life (or two areas at the same time).
2. Gradual understanding of possible changes. A person turns on an active search for opportunities to use his abilities and skills, looking for his own path.
3. A period of quality development. A person begins to identify what is extremely important in life and get rid of unnecessary “ballasts” that drag him down, preventing him from self-improvement.
4. Creating new habits, consolidating an improved way of acting with a projection onto a changed reality

How to overcome a midlife crisis for a man?

If you want to try to overcome the crisis on your own, then first remember or start applying a few tips now:

Embrace your life

Remember that worrying about lost time is a new senseless waste of time. View previous years not as a disappointment, but as a source of experience - an important clue about what needs to be changed and corrected.

Consider your values

Values ​​change periodically - this is natural for every man. Think carefully about everything that matters to you. You may have to give up something that has lost relevance.

Start taking care of your health

Sports, walks, meditation, healthy eating - there are many ways to significantly improve your well-being. By reconsidering your habits and starting to pay attention to your health, within a few months you may find that you feel even better than you did 10 years ago.

Take control of your life

The advice may sound pretentious, but the feeling of complete control over life is one of the best remedies against a midlife crisis. First, achieve balance in all areas. Make sure you dedicate enough time during the week to work, family, hobbies, entertainment and socializing with friends.

Set yourself new goals

Surely some old plans and goals have lost relevance. Therefore, it is necessary to come up with a replacement for them. Don't worry about missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams. Set new goals and objectives for yourself, but now use your life experiences to make these goals achievable (

Signs and manifestations

The expression crisis period also finds itself differently in men and women.

In men

Throughout the 25-year crisis, male psychology has undergone changes. This is manifested through the attitude towards girls, who are already perceived as objects promising for starting a family and procreation.

A representative of the stronger sex already knows exactly what he wants from life, has outlined goals and methods for achieving them. But at this time, so-called “information satiety” is often observed, caused by the lack of need to search for new sensations.

At this time, a man is attracted to a sedentary lifestyle, but at the same time he is constantly dissatisfied with life :

• is bored without work, and at work experiences dissatisfaction with the position;
• the circle of friends becomes uninteresting, points of contact with people are lost;
• for the first time there is a feeling of the frailty of existence and lost years, because “youth has passed”
• There is a gnawing feeling of emptiness when a person from your close circle excels in any area of ​​life, be it personal life or career.

Among women

From the point of view of female psychology, short periods of psychological changes are characterized, first of all, by a feeling of melancholy, inexplicable anxiety, emptiness, even despite the fact that everything is good in life.
During this period, a young girl faces an acute question about children , so in the event of their absence, the crisis phase intensifies.

In this regard, frequent conflicts with parents or other representatives of the older generation may arise. Due to the constant feeling that a friend/sister/acquaintance has clearly achieved more, dissatisfaction with one’s self increases and the ego suffers.

Also, a crisis period can manifest itself through fear of future changes, chronic fatigue and apathy syndrome, and phobia of approaching “old age.”

In women, the crisis often manifests itself through :

• chronic comparison of oneself with other representatives of the fairer sex, hypertrophied search for a role model;
• denial of generally accepted norms, which only yesterday seemed correct and familiar;
• uncertainty about the correct choice of a partner for a serious relationship, frequent changes;
• the desire for ideals in everything, the desire to change places, professions, occupations;
• uncontrolled attempts to radically change appearance, figure, etc.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis

A person facing a midlife crisis experiences a dramatic change in behavior. At the same time, his mood can also change quite quickly. One moment he was lamenting over missed chances, and now he is filled with determination to change literally everything in his life. According to his mood, he often acts impulsively.

Typically, the following symptoms indicate the presence of a midlife crisis in a man:

1. Dissatisfaction with one's own appearance. He peers into the mirror, counting the gray hairs on his temples, touching his receding hairline, and is upset by the new wrinkles. If before he didn’t think much about his appearance, now he pays more attention to his hair and shaves carefully to look a little younger.

2. Depressed mood. When communicating with him, you feel that in fact he would prefer to be alone with himself now.

3. Loss of strength, deterioration in health. Often, a midlife crisis first manifests itself with the appearance of the first symptoms of chronic diseases. Just yesterday, a man was sure that he was healthy, fit and strong, but today he is suddenly faced with pain in the joints or other previously unfamiliar sensations, reminding him of the inevitable approach of old age.

4. Drastically changing mood. The feeling of disappointment can be replaced by a burst of determination and energy, and the mood also changes radically.

5. Outbursts of aggression. People tend to blame others for their problems and take out their bad mood on them, and when a person experiences such strong disappointment, he begins to blame his loved ones for his own failures.

6. Concern about one’s own health , attractiveness, sexuality. Unlike women, men in their youth are usually not puzzled by these questions. But with the onset of a midlife crisis, they begin to pay more attention to this: they give up bad habits, sign up for a gym, and take care of their appearance and clothing style.

7. Closedness. Even sociable individuals, when SWS occurs, become withdrawn and show much less interest in gatherings with friends, parties and other group events.

8. Reflections on prospects. If earlier it seemed to the man that everything was still ahead, now he suddenly realized that he had reached the “equator”, and there was less and less time left to fulfill his plans.

9. The desire to have a mistress. It arises because during a midlife crisis, a man needs self-affirmation more than ever. In addition, he suddenly realizes that he “hasn’t had enough.”

10. Awareness and acceptance of age. The man realizes that he is now truly an adult and can no longer behave frivolously or recklessly. Now he must be a role model and give advice to the younger generation.

Advice from psychologists

While going through this difficult period, you need to remember that it will end positively, the unnecessary old will be destroyed and the new will be formed. How to make experiences less painful? You need to adhere to some rules.

For guys

The tips are as follows:

1. 
   Reconsider all family and social stereotypes about “should”.
   Pass installations that have been under construction for years through your own filter.

   Recognize that it is impossible to compare the results of different people, stop making parental demands on yourself.

2. Take a break and realize how you want to live, where to move, what to do. The main thing is to allow yourself to be inactive at this moment, relax and not fuss.
3. Talk with loved ones and friends about yourself, don’t isolate yourself. By talking through your worries and thinking about new possibilities, you can reduce internal stress and an endless stream of gloomy thoughts.
4. Try to maintain balance in relationships, limit communication with unpleasant people, and do not try to drown out anxiety with thoughtless purchases.
5. Recognize the importance of small steps, set realistic goals and move towards them gradually and confidently.

For girls

It is advisable for representatives of the fair sex:

1. Forget about life stereotypes associated with age: what every woman should have, what she should be, what she should strive for and what she should achieve is her personal matter, and not her social position. Remember: you are unique, therefore, so is your destiny. And it is only in your own hands.
2. Stop, breathe out and try to understand how you want to live, and not anyone else - parents, spouse, etc. Change your field of activity if it does not suit you, radically change your image, remember your favorite but long-forgotten hobbies. The main thing is just look at the world around you; perhaps you simply did not notice the reasons for your little joys.
3. Talk about yourself to your loved one. The worst case scenario during a crisis is to give up on yourself. Understand that you are not the only person with problems and phobias, so don't be afraid to open up to the world. You might want to talk to your peers about something that worries you—and rightly so. There are many like-minded people nearby with similar experiences - don’t hesitate to ask for advice or support.
4. Don't go to extremes. It is worth minimizing communication with what or who annoys you. Get rid of catalysts for quarrels, disputes, misunderstandings.
5. Take “gradual existence” as the basic principle. Try to look at life realistically and admit that it is not ideal, and neither are you. So why not stop demanding everything from yourself at once? Go deeper into solving problems as they arise, and not “in bulk”, learn to plan and classify your actions, because, as popular wisdom says: “The slower you go, the further you will go.”

Anastasia Bystrova, 26 years old

I graduated from Foreign Languages ​​in my native Siberian city and for four years, while I was studying at the institute, I worked on the radio - I hosted a morning show. After graduation, I taught English at the law school for a year, while continuing to work on the radio, and realized that my English was just a basic tool that could be used perfectly in the profession, but the profession itself would have to be re-selected and mastered.

At the institute they taught me to write well in Russian and English, and on the radio they developed the skill of communicating with people. There I learned how to get out of any situation on air. That’s why I chose the intersection of language and communications—the profession of a PR specialist.

While I was waiting for the start of the course in Netology, I was offered a job in an IT company that was starting to sell software (of its own development) to Europe. They took me to the position of editor of the English and Russian site. And a month later they retrained as a PR specialist, since the company urgently needed to promote itself on the international market. I completed my studies less than a year ago, sometimes mastering the course topics in practice faster than my fellow students, and then “catching up” with the theory. I continue to work for the same company, which opened up opportunities for me that I never thought possible. In May I fly to an exhibition in Amsterdam, in June - to Hanover, and so on almost every two months. This is my job now.

Neoplasms

When the most difficult time has passed, the tension will decrease, and the process of creating a new self will begin . Without illusions and expectations. Recognizing your size and real capabilities. You will enjoy the freedom of choice and the taste of your own life.

It is likely that your field of activity will change and new friends and acquaintances will appear, and some childhood friends will move away and gradually disappear from your life. And that's okay.

As psychologists say, a crisis is always the beginning of new opportunities, a better life, filling oneself.

Why is it important to understand the importance of this period?

As you know, any troubles, which in essence is the crisis of 25 years, are a good springboard for self-development.
If during this difficult period of life you draw the right conclusions and try to grow in all respects, both personal and professional, as well as spiritual, you can, as they say in the popular saying, “if life gives you a lemon, make lemonade out of it .

Therefore, understanding the importance of this period is, first of all, a generous investment in your own well-being and a happy future.

When does it occur and how long does it last?

The severity of the crisis, the time of its onset and the duration of the period of occurrence are still purely individual and depend on many factors.

However, the average varies between 40 and 50 years.

This means that in the event of serious difficulties and failure to provide proper psychological assistance, the crisis may turn out to be quite long.

Main mistakes

The main mistakes people make:

1. Fear caused by “unjustified expectations.” Most 25-year-olds begin to feel that “this is the end” and are terrified of setting new goals. It is worth accepting your phobia as a given. She is normal, everyone feels her.
2. A categorical refusal to involve other people in your life. Don’t be shy to share your experiences: if you don’t have the courage to do it “live”, use social networks - virtual communication is much simpler and easier.
3. Games of “sacrifice” in the name of something or someone. Understand: your life belongs exclusively to you, it is impossible to be “good” to everyone without exception, even if you try very hard. Yes, this is not a reason to turn into a notorious egoist. The right decision is to leave a small part of your life as personal and intimate.
4. Reluctance to start a new relationship in case of its complete absence or collapse. Give yourself time to heal love wounds and just let go of the situation - sometimes this is enough for the need for love to reappear.

Four women's crises: how to survive them easier?

It is believed that there is only one personality crisis - midlife. Why is he the most famous? Because it “mows down” the most active and visible group of the population - men from 35 to 45 years old.

At the same time, for some reason, they lose sight of the fact that women suffer from crises even more, since their emotional sphere is more developed. Throughout life, a person goes through not one, but several problematic periods, no less painful than in middle age. When analyzing crisis situations, psychologists most often focus on careers and relationships with loved ones. Sexuality is talked about somewhat casually. Meanwhile, a psychological crisis at any age is firmly connected with our sexual beginning. In particular, with fears that relate to sexual self-esteem. In this episode we look at sexual identity crises in women.

Is sexual “reboot” good for the psyche?

What is an identity crisis? These are experiences associated with analyzing yourself, your abilities and achievements. A person asks himself the question: “Who am I, what am I and what am I worth?” Such a revaluation of values ​​occurs not once in a lifetime, but approximately every 6 to 7 years. That is why in some European countries experts say that it would be nice if spouses remarried with the same frequency. And they are even considering such a bill.

We change, our views, needs and capabilities, including sexual ones, change. After six or seven years of marriage, you may find that you need a completely different partner. And they successfully overcome such thresholds in families where partners develop approximately equally, both intellectually and sexually.

A crisis for a person is like a reboot for a computer. Such “reboots” are, in principle, beneficial for our psyche. They help you rebuild. Severe stress turns on the protective resources of the psyche and forces the brain to work in a more intense mode. True, not everyone is able to get out of a crisis period on their own. A healthy person emerges as if cleared of some husk and wiser. And if a person had psychological problems, then they can get worse. In any case, it is important to have a loved one nearby with whom you can discuss your experiences. It’s easier for women in this sense; they don’t hesitate to cry to their friends.

People who are professionally passionate and those who have mutual understanding in their families are protected from serious, deep crises. Because such a family, according to Jung, is a small therapeutic group. And all fires here are extinguished in their infancy.

Our typology of crises does not apply to people suffering from alcohol and other addictions. Their problems are related solely to satisfying their passion. And we can say that they are in a permanent crisis.

1. Am I attractive?

Around the age of 14 to 21, along with the first sexual desire, the first question is born: “Am I beautiful? Am I sexy? The first reaction is a desire to further emphasize one’s sexuality to make sure that it really works. Girls wear short skirts, not wanting to really seduce anyone. They want to feel their feminine power and understand how limitless it is. It is for this power that competition with friends begins, fighting off boys from each other and other sexual competitions. Almost 1/5 of girls in Russia enter into sexual life very early - at school. Another quarter - in the first two years after school. The girl has matured. Half. Sexologists say that until the age of 18, a woman is not ready for full intimacy. But he actively gets into it. For what?! The girl is pushed to take the first step by a painful unknown: will she be as attractive to her lover later? A loved one is a very important person in the life of a romantic virgin. In girlish Internet revelations, “he” is always capitalized - “He”. Sometimes this “He” can change every month, which does not in the least diminish its value. It’s a difficult case when, for example, Dima Bilan is chosen as “Him” (and no one else!).

PROBLEM . There are many options here. Let’s say “He” dumps “after”, saying something like: “You’re cold and don’t know how to do anything” (which is no wonder). Or “He” receives a refusal and leaves for Katya from the next door. Or, finding herself in bed with her beloved, she realizes that she doesn’t feel anything. Changes several “favorites” - the same result. No matter what scenario you take, everything turns out differently than in your dreams. To the question: “Am I sexy?” - answer not found. The pillow is in tears.

SOLUTION . It is useful to take a break from relationships with guys for an indefinite period. Maybe for a couple of years. (Easy to say! - Ed.) Use this time for study and communication. And at the same time expand the circle of potential suitors. Some old-fashioned psychologists argue that a Russian girl absolutely needs to get married before the age of 23, because after 23, male mortality begins to exceed female mortality and there are not enough suitors. But, according to the latest statistics, female mortality in early age groups, unfortunately, is rapidly catching up with male mortality. So there are enough suitors.

2. Birth of a child

It's no joke - giving birth to a human being! A person screams, gets sick and grows. Is mom having sex?! Taking care of the child becomes her basic instinct. Men commit half of their first adulterous relationships during the infancy of their first child. For the sake of “mom”, a woman kills the “sex bomb” within herself. These are too different social masks.

PROBLEM . Psychologists associate the “crisis of the first year of marriage” with the birth of a child. The wife is busy around the clock with the baby, her tender feelings for her husband have transformed into complaints and rare kisses on the cheek without continuation. He married a cute, sexy girl, and now he has a crazy teacher next to him. No man is ready for such a turn, no matter how devoted he is to his half. He reciprocates the cooling. The burden of the conflict, of course, falls on the wife’s shoulders. “How to seal a crack?” - she will have to decide this question if her husband suddenly begins to come late and smells of women’s perfume.

SOLUTION . Until at least four months you are firmly attached to your baby. But then actively involve “second hands” in your motherhood. Nanny or grandmother. You will have time to feel like someone other than your mom. At least just get some sleep first. And then it will be seen.

3. Middle age

A woman has two midlife crises. The first comes a couple of years before your 30th birthday. Generally young girls begin to say that the years are passing, that we need to hurry up to live and have a lot to do. And in general - enjoy life. Many divorces occur between women’s 27th and 28th birthdays. Their sexual needs and life priorities are restructured. Some people focus on their careers, others begin to take as much as possible in the entertainment industry. Girls feel this time as the peak of their attractiveness and sexuality. And some experience a return to adolescence, when they want to prove to themselves and others their worth as a woman. But she already behaves wiser with men. And she easily moves from the level of flirting to the level of close relationships.

The second - real - crisis occurs around 35 years ago. These years become a kind of milestone for a woman. She understands that now she is actually at the peak of femininity. And so she begins to take stock of life now, in advance, although it seems like she should live and not bother. The primary task is to maintain appearance. And, of course, the plus of self-affirmation is that she is still attractive.

PROBLEM . If everything goes well, the crisis passes quickly and is hardly noticeable to others. But a man can make the situation worse. Most women at this age greatly increase their need for sex. While in a man they decrease. Inconsistencies lead to colossal experiences.

SOLUTION . It is impossible to give universal advice here, because for each woman different circumstances lead to this crisis. These are exactly the necessary life-giving shocks that need to be experienced. The philosopher Merab Mamardashvili called such periods “wells of suffering,” from which a person emerges more mature and wiser.

4. Closed door. After 42 years

You can't hide the wrinkles anymore. Excess weight too. Well, let's say you're not overweight. But there is cellulite... Especially if the husband strokes the dog (cat, hamster) more often than his wife. At this crisis, women are divided into two groups. Those who decide: I will grow old as I age. And let everything go as it should. They quickly calm down and switch to caring for loved ones. And those who, with all their might, begin to compete with young girls, catch up with lost time and make young lovers.

PROBLEM . Psychologists note: the most depressed age group is women over forty. Science even describes an inferiority complex characteristic of this age: the “closed door complex.” The woman thinks: “It’s all over for me! Personal happiness and sex are all behind us.” This period is especially painful for beauties, those who are accustomed to enjoying success with men. They often have hysterics and breakdowns. And they expect that bony Old Age is about to overtake them.

SOLUTION . “At forty-five, the woman berries again” - this proverb is about the strong in spirit, whom age cannot break. Their lifestyle is a sports club, a beauty salon, young girlfriends, and then you see - fans. By the way, women around 30 willingly accept mature, more experienced and sophisticated friends into their company. A woman is as old as she looks. Many of our contemporaries - Sophia Loren, Catherine Deneuve, Jane Fonda, Alla Borisovna - proved that you can remain a “berry” at 60 or 70 - if only you wish.

By the way, in the “Photo Contests” section, look at the photos of the participants in our “Berry Glade” competition. Here is someone who proves that over the years, many women only become more beautiful!