Author Snezhana Shakhova
27.04.2021 16:42
Society
Narcissistic people confuse the concepts of love and admiration. At first, the narcissist tries to please his partner by showering him with compliments and gifts. But when he discovers that the object of his attention is not ideal, he begins to devalue him.
Psychologist Daria Zakharova spoke about how to recognize a narcissist in a partner and end a relationship with him in time in an interview with Moscow 24 .
What is a narcissist?
Psychologists call men who have highly inflated self-esteem narcissists.
In other words , such a person thinks that there is no one better than him in the world . He constantly admires himself and believes that others should do the same.
Men belonging to this category find it difficult to interact with society. They have almost no friends, but girls often fall in love with them. An affair with such a person is distinguished by its swiftness, but therein lies the problem.
Narcissists quickly lose interest in their chosen one . They have already achieved their goal, satisfied their own ego. Logically, they should quickly end the relationship with the girl. This often happens if the initiative comes from the guy.
The situation changes radically when the girl starts talking about breaking up. The narcissist feels violated. This deals a serious blow to his self-esteem. He tries to win back his partner in every possible way. If this does not work out, the man begins to take revenge.
It is also difficult for girls to end a relationship with such a guy . Narcissists quickly become attached to themselves, involuntarily using various levers of psychological pressure. However, they themselves may not be aware of it.
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What are the dangers of a relationship with such a person?
Relationships with narcissistic men follow a classic pattern. At first, everything happens like in romance novels - the guy gives flowers, looks after her beautifully and turns the girl’s life into a fairy tale.
Thanks to this, the woman quickly becomes attached to the narcissist and lulls her vigilance. However, the idyll does not last long. A few months after the start of a relationship, the first alarm bells appear.
The man tries to make sure that the girl spends all her time exclusively with him. This is achieved through psychological manipulation.
The narcissist strives for complete social isolation of his victim. Jealousy can even manifest itself towards relatives and close friends .
At the same time, the man tries to instill in the woman the idea that all the troubles that happen in the relationship between partners are only her fault. Over time, the narcissist's victim develops a constant feeling of guilt. This leads to the fact that a person begins to consider himself inferior. Even his thoughts begin to seem wrong to him.
Doubts arise about your adequacy . At the same time, the man strongly reinforces this opinion with his actions and words. Over time, he begins to control all areas of his partner’s life. For any deviation from the conditions created by him, the victim is punished. This can manifest itself mentally or physically.
All this leads to psychological trauma for the girl after a short time. Such relationships need to be ended, although this is not easy, because the woman very quickly gets used to the narcissist and believes that the troubles that arise are only her fault. Here we should not forget that narcissists do not reform. There are such chances, but they are insignificant.
Sometimes recovery is not possible
Regardless of the recovery path chosen, it may happen that a person suffers so much that they will never fully recover from a narcissistic relationship. A narcissist or psychopath can so distort a victim's personality and so disrupt their thinking that it causes them to develop a mental illness from which the victim can never recover.
A considerable number of victims of narcissists commit suicide because they become so entangled in the wilds of their pseudo-personality created by the narcissist that they see no other way out but to end everything quickly, decisively, once and for all.
Options for the development of events in the event of a rupture
How does a narcissist behave during a breakup?
If a man initiated the breakup, the process proceeds peacefully. The narcissist simply announces his departure and quickly disappears from the girl’s sight. Basically, such a sharp change in behavior tactics is caused by a new romance that has begun with a guy.
The girl, as with any breakup, first becomes depressed. However, this does not last long. When the “rose-colored glasses” of love fall away from her eyes, the woman begins to understand what trap she managed to avoid.
Events develop completely differently if they are initiated by a girl. The narcissist feels violated and refuses to accept the fact that they could have broken up with him . He considers himself the best person on earth, which further complicates the situation. The feeling of being hurt is replaced by anger.
Narcissists depend on their partners to help them improve their self-esteem. Therefore, the man tries to win the woman back at any cost. Various methods are used for this. At the first stages, the guy tries to assure the girl that he can change. The narcissist is humiliated and asks to stay. If this does not help, he begins to threaten and take revenge.
The narcissist's revenge is original and cruel. He may post compromising photographs of the girl publicly on social networks or start spreading rumors about her among mutual friends. When the outrage subsides a little, “random” meetings or direct persecution begin.
However, there is also a peaceful option for the development of events . After breaking up with his partner, the guy considers it beneath his dignity to humiliate himself in front of her and looks for a new victim. This, as a rule, does not take much time and after just a few weeks the girl can be calm about her freedom and safety. After all, narcissists, after entering into a new relationship, never return to the previous one.
Stand your ground, do not give in to manipulation and firmly tell yourself that there is no turning back
Once a person leaves a narcissist, he automatically becomes his worst enemy for daring to undermine his image and ruin his “beautiful face.” Be prepared for the abandoned narcissist to insult you, slander and gossip behind your back, and react painfully and viciously to everything you do, say and do.
You need to be prepared for this, so start working on yourself, mainly about restoring self-esteem. Try, for example, to find new talents in yourself (or remember old ones) and begin to develop them.
What should a woman do?
How to end a relationship with a narcissist? It is recommended to adhere to some rules:
Provide yourself with external support .
You need to discuss the situation with parents, close friends and other people who can support the person. It is important for a girl that at a difficult moment in her life she can speak out to someone and receive moral help.This allows her to act more decisively when breaking up and not retreat from her positions.
- No final conversation .
The classic version of separation is considered to be a serious heart-to-heart conversation, after which the former partners go in different directions, while continuing to maintain friendly relations. For a narcissist, it is worth making an exception and denying him this rule. Men of this type know the weak points of their victim, and are able to put pressure on them in time. This will return the relationship to its previous level. Moreover, on a subconscious level, in the first weeks after the breakup, the girl herself wants to do this. - Limit your social circle .
Not all friends and relatives will support the girl in her decision. There will be those who will tell her that she made a mistake. Moreover, half of them will do this under pressure from the same narcissist. For several months or years after the breakup, it is recommended to limit communication with such people. Under constant pressure, a girl may not be able to stand it and change her decision. - Expand the scope of activity .
Narcissists control people. Over time, it becomes his only hobby. After separation, it is necessary to do the reverse procedure, i.e. the girl gradually removes her ex-partner from her life. At this time, you can take up a new hobby, visit a new city, etc. It is important that the girl herself understands that a man is not the center of the universe for her. Even if a woman later decides to return to her boyfriend, she will be able to correctly prioritize the relationship. - Find your leverage .
Narcissists are good psychologists on a subconscious level. They find the weak points of their victim and, by pressing these “buttons,” they gradually begin to completely control it. After breaking up with such a person, the girl must find in herself these levers of pressure that the guy used. They should be written down on a piece of paper. Perhaps these are some specific words. Knowing how she was attacked in the past, a woman will be able to defend herself against such attacks in the future. - Run . You need to leave the narcissist abruptly, without giving him the opportunity to correct the situation. The reason for the breakup can be explained in a letter. After this, the girl must break all contacts with the man (block numbers and social networks, change places of walking, etc.). This is the only way to completely end a relationship with such a man.
Learning from relationships
Although a relationship with a narcissist can be quite destructive, it is possible to learn from it. It is worth remembering that you will start looking for a partner again, and therefore it is important to understand exactly how you can attract and keep him.
This can be learned in a relationship with a narcissist. Men like to feel needed in women's lives as they have a sort of hero instinct.
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How to behave after?
Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.
Such people are not used to letting go of their victim. After termination of communication, a woman is advised to consider a number of points.
The narcissist will watch . Even after the final breakup, the man will try to maintain his influence over the girl. He will monitor her social media accounts. networks, arrange “random” meetings, etc. There’s no escape from this.
The beginning of a new relationship is not the end of communication. This type of people believes that all representatives of the fair sex belong to them. Even if the narcissist has started dating a new partner, he will try to control the life of his previous one.
A more peaceful option awaits the couple if the narcissist himself initiated the separation . He quickly loses active interest in his former partner. At the same time, it is important not to try to restore the relationship on your own.
How to Prepare for Divorce from a Narcissistic Spouse
The preparatory process for ending a marriage with a narcissistic person can take a long time. To solve the problem as quickly as possible, it is recommended to familiarize yourself with the advice of psychologists. Experts will help you get rid of toxic relationships without incurring anger and rage. The main idea is to prove to the narcissist that his lover is stronger than him emotionally and spiritually.
Effective tips on how to break off a relationship with a narcissistic husband:
- Study his behavior. Every person has weaknesses, and even narcissists are no exception. People with these characteristics are very resourceful and can even make the victim feel guilty. To prevent this from happening, you need to know your lover’s weaknesses as best as possible. To break, you will need to press on the most painful points, showing your superiority. Two aspects can be distinguished: narcissistic people are cunning and insidious, they know how to work for the public and consider themselves better than others. To solve the problem peacefully, you need to take this into account.
- Isolate yourself from your husband's influence. The divorce process can be painful, and criticism from the narcissist will only make the situation worse. The spouse needs to create a positive environment around himself, where there is no room for negativity. Experts say that being with a toxic lover can influence your decision, making it much more difficult to get rid of the narcissist's influence.
- Ignore the narcissist's criticism, discussions, and manipulations. Usually, after the news of a divorce, the narcissistic spouse begins to take revenge. His actions are accompanied by anger, curses and humiliation of the dignity of his other half in the eyes of friends and acquaintances. At such a moment, the main thing is not to give up, but to stand firm in your decision. As therapy, it is recommended to isolate yourself from negativity, engage in self-esteem, and immerse yourself in work or hobbies. A person will understand that there are good and attractive qualities in him, and not slander that is spread behind his back.
- Communicate with children, friends and relatives. If the narcissist's victim has worthy acquaintances, it's time to turn your attention to them. Beloved children are also excellent medicine, as they feel love and affection, noticing manipulations on the part of the other parent.
Using advice, your spouse will be able to solve the problem of divorce less painfully, because they will have support and attention. Of course, you shouldn’t lower your former chosen one in the eyes of other people, because then the behavior of the two parties will not be different. The best option is to forget and let go of this stage, having learned a life lesson.
How to cope with your feelings?
What wouldn't hurt to do:
- Grieve . Breaking up is always stressful for a girl. Therefore, there is no point in holding on and pretending that everything is fine. On the contrary, you need to cry and talk it out. But at the same time, you cannot go into long-term depression. A woman can maintain her morale with new hobbies, etc. As a last resort, it is recommended to consult a psychiatrist.
- Write your problems .
If a girl feels anxious after a breakup, it is better to write her feelings on a piece of paper. This way, she will always have a list before her eyes of what is preventing her from moving on. Then you should carefully analyze him and your ended relationship. In most cases, the girl will see that she wrote most of the points under “rose-colored glasses.” You can record the analysis results on the same sheet. For example, if a woman wrote the phrase “It’s all my fault,” after analyzing the narcissist’s behavior, you can put next to “It’s not like that.” - Remember everything . In the first weeks after a breakup, the girl’s memory will throw up pictures from her happy past. There is no escape from this. However, a woman should also remember about the unpleasant moments associated with a man. For example, about losing all your friends. If you should try to erase the first memories from your memory, then it is better not to forget the second ones. This way the girl can avoid mistakes in her next relationship.
How to avoid mistakes when breaking up with a narcissist
Forgetting a narcissistic spouse may not be so easy, as he will continue to put a spoke in the wheels of his abuser. This may not only be revenge, but also intentional problems with the divorce process. To avoid making frequent mistakes when breaking up, you should pay attention to some rules. With their help, defeating a narcissistic person will not be so difficult, and the experience gained will last a lifetime.
How to avoid falling for the tricks of a toxic narcissistic spouse - common mistakes:
- Get a reliable lawyer. Not all husbands or wives are ready to let their significant other go just like that. If a person has connections, most likely he will want to interfere with the divorce process. To avoid mistakes and avoid slack, it is recommended to hire a good lawyer who understands relationships. A competent specialist will be able to predict the intentions of the offender and strike back, providing assistance in breaking up the marriage.
- Do not fall for deception and promises. In addition to words, the narcissist may threaten actions: suicide, violence, or spreading rumors. If one of the options may be dangerous, you should contact the police for help. It is important to remember that such people never change.
- Don't sort things out, don't date. This point can also include communication with the relatives of the offender, excluding children. For example, a mother-in-law can influence her daughter-in-law’s decision by putting a spoke in her wheels by any means. Communication should take place only through lawyers, and all questions should only be about documents and common property, children.
- Get rid of the injury. To do this, you need to work on yourself, exploring different aspects of your character. A person must learn to be stress-resistant, and this may require therapy with a specialist.
- Surround yourself with caring and reliable people. You shouldn't contact distant relatives after a breakup, but spending time with friends and family certainly won't hurt. The main thing is that this circle of people does not include the offender himself.
- Remember the painful sensations. In order not to renounce your choice, you need to constantly remind yourself of the things that the narcissist did. After this, the desire to break off the relationship will only intensify, thereby the person will gradually forget about sadness and sadness.
Basic mistakes
What not to do:
- Trying to blame yourself . The narcissist has taught his victim to believe that everything is his fault. At first, the habit will continue. However, this will soon pass.
- Make contact after a breakup . The narcissist will again try to tame his victim through seduction. You should not give in to provocations.
- Lower self-esteem . The narcissist already underestimated her to the person. Don't do the work for him.
- Listen to other people's opinions . You won't be good to everyone. Many people may view the breakup negatively. This is their right. However, you should not listen to their advice. The final decision must be made by the person himself.
