The Western world is in awe of cold-blooded sociopaths, and in the domestic hit parade of anti-heroes with mental problems, the narcissist is still confidently in the lead. Most often, this is a narcissistic mother, because of whom the child’s whole life then went downhill, or a lover (much less often, a beloved), who was lured by the brilliance of her charisma, and then morally gutted and left with nothing. What kind of disorder is this, how does it arise and is it as destructive for others as it is described?
Vanity Fair
The most characteristic traits of a narcissist, which those who like to make diagnoses based on their avatar usually focus on, are vanity and narcissism. Other characteristic but lesser-known symptoms are a lack of empathy, envy, a tendency to exploit others and a desire for power, as well as a sense of being special and requiring special treatment. All these features can manifest themselves in varying degrees - from mild personality specificity to a noticeable pathology - the actual narcissistic personality disorder.
Given that narcissists are often truly successful and well-liked, their expansion in society can create a sense of injustice in more meek, modest and underappreciated people. It may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much completely undeservedly. But at the same time, the inner world of a narcissist cannot be called harmonious. It’s difficult to feel stable when your sense of self-esteem is always “outsourced” and depends on other people’s assessments.
How to understand that you are a narcissist? 9 main signs
You don't know how to lose
We all enjoy winning and are sad to lose, but the narcissist simply cannot accept defeat. There are often cases when they unjustifiably accuse the winners of cheating or simply make rude comments about them.
You always feel like you're not appreciated
Constant admiration of his person by the whole world is a real drug for a narcissist. Therefore, no matter how many compliments he receives, they will never seem enough.
You think other people are fools
Having a low opinion of other people's intelligence is another characteristic sign of a narcissist. Since he considers himself perfect in everything, he has no doubts about the strength of his own intellect. As a result, the opinions, solutions to problems and statements of others seem to the narcissist not as successful as his own.
Do you like to argue
Since the narcissist is convinced that the solution he proposes is the only correct one, he often gets into arguments and conflicts with colleagues who do not share his point of view.
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You make excuses for yourself when you treat others badly.
Narcissists do not care at all about other people's feelings and often humiliate, insult, or outright ridicule others. And they see absolutely nothing wrong with such evil behavior, since, in their opinion, all this is a joke, and people themselves “deserve” such treatment by their behavior.
You enjoy leading others and telling them what to do.
Not all narcissists exhibit leadership qualities, but this is definitely one of the telltale signs of this personality disorder. Everything should be the way the narcissist wants and how he thinks is right.
Instead of listening, you're just waiting for an opportunity to speak up.
The narcissist doesn't care deeply about other people's problems, feelings, or experiences. He does not know how to empathize and be an active listener. As soon as the interlocutor makes a short pause in his story, the narcissist will immediately use it to change the topic to something that interests him.
You're hotter than other guys - or at least you think so
We have already mentioned several times the narcissist's belief in his own exclusivity and “selfhood”, and damn attractive appearance is something that he thinks he has, even if those around him do not agree with him.
You fall in love very often (but not for long)
Because the narcissist believes himself to be perfect, he seeks out a partner who is as perfect as himself to “complete” him.
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However, people without shortcomings do not exist, therefore, having gotten to know their partner better, the narcissist quickly becomes disappointed, ends the relationship and continues to search for a “more worthy couple.”
Shame and devaluation
Why is this happening? Neuroscience on this topic has not yet offered a clear explanation (except for individual studies indicating a lack of gray matter in the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional regulation), and psychoanalysts who have most deeply developed the topic believed that this type of personality is formed due to inadequate acute reaction to a feeling of shame: the worst thing is when people around you think
you are bad, and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the public unveiling of his apparent perfection and the discovery of his true insignificance (and everything that is not ideal is perceived by him as insignificant). There is a widespread belief that the easiest way to raise a child to be a narcissist is by constantly pampering him and inappropriately appreciating his talents, but the observations of many psychologists testify to the effectiveness of the combination of “exuberant praise for meeting high standards” plus “rejection for everything that parents consider bad behavior ( especially if this behavior is, in general, natural for a child, for example, pranks).” Then the baby quickly learns that he is good when he seems good, and no one needs him when he simply is himself, with his weaknesses and shortcomings.
Narcissists, on the one hand, willingly devalue other people’s achievements in order to protect themselves from comparisons that are not in their favor, but on the other hand, their own merits are also always not enough for them. Therefore, their apparent complacency is a soap bubble (this is worth keeping in mind more so as not to get angry at such behavior, and not in order to hit narcissists where it hurts: they are capable of a lot in protecting their ideal “I”).
Due to his specificity, the narcissist is incapable of truly close relationships: he perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect himself (more precisely, his best sides). Therefore, novels often begin with idealization (“What a delightful trophy that will emphasize my uniqueness!”), and end with disappointment and an attempt to change the partner to suit one’s growing needs, without really taking into account the boundaries of his personality. Actually, this is where so many unhappy love stories come from. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that it is also not easy for the narcissist himself: it is impossible to relax and show oneself to mere mortals, even with a spouse.
Olga Gumanova, psychologist:
“It’s easier for other severe neurotics to survive next to such a person, but for others it’s difficult, it’s too cold. Narcissists love to form alliances with schizoids - in such a pair, the extroverted and sociable narcissist can be responsible for relations with the outside world, and the schizoid maintains his own world and the common world of the couple, about which he can fantasize a lot, but he feels good in it. He keeps in silence the image of Narcissus the Magnificent."
Children of narcissists experience increased psychological stress and often grow up with trauma. Typically, narcissistic parents give birth to children not out of love for children, but as another proof of their success and wealth in life. In addition, as in the case of equal partners, such mothers and fathers have a poor sense of personal boundaries and perceive the baby as an extension of themselves, trying to correct his real and apparent shortcomings by any means.
Olga Gumanova:
“Children from narcissistic families may consciously or unconsciously seek out the same narcissistic partners, cling to them, become dependent on them, try to overcome their coldness, indifference and contempt, and earn love. Where they are rejected, where they are neglected, that’s where they are drawn.”
20 Dirty Tricks Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Manipulate Us
They use many distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening onto him. These techniques are used by narcissistic individuals such as psychopaths and sociopaths to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Faktrum lists two dozen not-so-clean techniques with which inadequate people humiliate others and silence them.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that is most easily illustrated by the following typical phrases: “It didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints about abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to resolve the resulting cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely excluded, and the last is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.
To successfully resist gaslighting, it is very important to find support in your own reality: sometimes it is enough to write down what is happening in a diary, tell it to friends or share with a support group. The value of outside support is that it can help you break out of the manipulator's distorted reality and see things for yourself.
Projection
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
While we all engage in projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse.
Instead of admitting their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, narcissists and sociopaths choose to pin their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way possible. Instead of admitting that they could use some self-care, they choose to instill shame in their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the same bitter shame that he feels towards himself.
For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him appear dependent; a bad employee may call a boss ineffective to avoid having a truthful conversation about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play the blame game. The goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result is that you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?
Solution? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person, and don't take on their toxic projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.
Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in self-reflection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.
Hell of a pointless conversation
If you are hoping for thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain clog.
Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done to discredit, distract and frustrate you, lead you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
All it takes is ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist and you’ll already be wondering how you got into this in the first place. You just disagreed with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, which leads to what is called narcissistic injury.
Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to come up with an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing more wood on the fire. Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not you, but their abusive behavior. Stop communication as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant.
Generalizations and unfounded statements
Narcissists cannot always boast of outstanding intelligence; many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of taking the time to understand different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it’s even easier to put some kind of label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.
On a larger scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. In this way, one aspect of the problem is blown out of proportion so much that serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to cry out that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.
These everyday microaggressions are typical in destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your oversensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always unhappy with everything” or “Nothing suits you at all,” instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen. Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes - but it's just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.
Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because they are just a form of completely illogical black-and-white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw out unfounded generalizations, there is not the entire wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.
Deliberate distortion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justifiable emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.
Narcissists make up stories, paraphrasing what you say to make your position seem absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and with us, then, you are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.
This common distraction is a cognitive bias called “mind reading.” Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they present you as bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of thinking they are inadequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.
The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn’t do or say. As long as a destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a feeling of shame for daring to contradict him about something.
Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have no desire to help you become a better person - they just love to find fault, put you down, and make you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to a sophism called “game changing” to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.
Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with you as to why you are not yet a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent”. The rules of the game will constantly change and may easily even contradict each other; The only goal of this game is to make you seek the narcissist's attention and approval.
By constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive feeling of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one mistake you made and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. This forces you to think about the new expectations that you will now have to live up to, and as a result, you bend over backwards to satisfy his every demand - only to find out that he still treats you poorly.
Don’t be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck up some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm that you are right or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not at all driven by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.
Changing the subject to avoid responsibility
I call this maneuver “What-am-I syndrome?” . This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to shift attention to something completely different. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they steer the conversation in the direction they want. Are you complaining that he doesn't spend time with the kids? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows no time or thematic framework and often begins with the words: “And when did you...”
At the public level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed if one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.
As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, issues need to be specific to be addressed and addressed properly—that doesn't mean the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that for every topic there's its time and its context.
Do not be distructed; if someone is trying to substitute concepts, use the “broken record” method, as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts without going away from the topic. Turn the arrows back, say: “That’s not what I’m talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find someone to talk to who is not stuck at the mental development level of a three-year-old toddler.
Hidden and obvious threats
Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal self-esteem is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.
Instead of dealing with differences maturely and seeking compromise, they try to deny you the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum; their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do that.”
If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express a different opinion, you hear a commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never agree to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you mean business by documenting them if possible and reporting them to the proper authorities.
Insults
Narcissists proactively make mountains out of molehills whenever they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their minds, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts narcissistic injury on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults are a quick and easy way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinions.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has nothing meaningful to say back. Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you yourself, trying in every possible way to undermine your authority and cast doubt on your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and clearly state that you do not intend to tolerate this. Don't take it personally: understand that they only use insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.
"Training"
Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they casually make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, ruin your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov’s dogs, are essentially “trained,” making you afraid to do everything that once made your life rich.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to yourself and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world—and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.
In addition, narcissists are pathologically jealous by nature and cannot stand the thought of anything that could even slightly protect you from their influence. To them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally barren existence. After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is non-destructive, then what will stop you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway towards your dreams.
Slander and Harassment
When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you out to be destructive. Slander and gossip are a preemptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support if you do decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to “expose” you; such “exposure” is just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.
Sometimes gossip turns two or even entire groups of people against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about him while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.
Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the same actions that you accuse them of most feared. In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately offend you, so that they can then use your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.
The best way to counter slander is to always control yourself and stick to the facts. This is especially true for high-conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you so that they can then use your reactions against you. If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; It is advisable to find a lawyer who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for itself when the narcissist's mask begins to slip.
Love bombing and devaluation
Destructive people lead you through an idealization phase until you take the bait and begin a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they begin to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that attracted them to you in the first place. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.
Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombing method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sweetness he exhibits in his relationship with you.
As life coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counter love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to take things slow. Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.
Preventive defense
When someone strongly emphasizes that he/she is a “nice guy” or a “nice girl”, they immediately begin to tell you that you should “trust him/her”, or out of the blue they assure you of their honesty - be careful.
Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first establishing a solid foundation for that trust. They can skillfully “disguise” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of abuse reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.
Truly good people rarely need to constantly boast about their positive qualities - they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street that requires reciprocity rather than constant indoctrination.
To combat preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you is who he says he is.
Triangulation
Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of bringing an outsider into a communication dynamic is called “triangulation.” A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and invalidating the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unstable.
Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends and even family members in order to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to prove their point of view.
This maneuver is intended to divert your attention from the psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you begin to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I’m still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back.
To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, the narcissist is in charge of all roles. Answer him with your own “triangulation” - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.
Lure and pretend to be innocent
Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. If such a person drags you into a meaningless, random quarrel, it will quickly escalate into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect. Minor disagreement can be a bait, and even if at first you restrain yourself within the bounds of politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.
Having “lured” you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, the nasty phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and the painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t mean to” upset your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malevolence.
It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques include provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a certain phrase seemed somehow “not right” , and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it, perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.
Boundary testing and vacuum cleaner tactics
Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive individuals constantly test your boundaries to see which ones can be violated. The more violations they can commit with impunity, the further they will go.
This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.
Abusers often resort to “vacuum cleaner tactics,” sucking their victims back in with sweet promises, fake repentances, and empty words about how they will change, only to subject them to more abuse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist the abuse, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist tries to start over, reinforce your boundaries rather than retreat from them.
Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and compassion. They only react to consequences .
Aggressive injections disguised as jokes
Covert narcissists love to say mean things to you. They pass them off as “just jokes,” as if reserving the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.
The manipulator is betrayed by a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right? Not this way. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.
When you bring these hidden insults to the manipulator's attention, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if this does not help, stop communicating with him.
Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
Belittling and putting others down is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in their arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks at each other can be fun when it is mutual, but the narcissist resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if this offends you, it means you are “overly sensitive.”
It doesn’t matter that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it’s the victim who is “oversensitive.” When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged on your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand. This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you are doing it yourself.
When confronted with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state it clearly and clearly. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like a child, and certainly you don’t have to remain silent to please someone’s delusions of grandeur.
Shaming
"Aren `t you ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from completely normal people, in the mouths of narcissists and psychopaths, shaming is an effective method of combating any views and actions that threaten their undivided power. It is also used to destroy and negate the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and strangle all pride at the root.
Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or violence you have suffered, causing you further psychological trauma. Did you experience violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will make you feel like you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to offend you than to pick at old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound rather than heal it.
If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that could later be used against you.
Control
Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you in any way they can. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circles, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.
This is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest reason. This is why they become emotionally withdrawn, and then rush to idealize you again as soon as they feel that they are losing control. This is why they fluctuate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.
The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and recognize that you are a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.
Types of Narcissists
In the two main diagnostic reference books in psychiatry - the European International Catalog of Diseases and the American DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) - people with narcissistic disorder are not divided into groups. Nevertheless, different psychologists and psychiatrists periodically identify characteristic types in their practice:
- An amorous person is a narcissist who asserts himself mainly by seducing others, and is prone to dramatic effects and pathological lies.
- Unprincipled - combines narcissistic symptoms with features of antisocial disorder. Has vague ideas about morality, likes to dominate and manipulate.
- Hypersensitive - thin-skinned and less self-confident; despite all the painful narcissistic pride, he behaves more timidly and avoids situations where he may find himself “not on his horse.”
- Inverted is a narcissist on the contrary, who does not want to receive universal adoration himself, but to be a faithful vassal of a brighter hero.
Olga Gumanova:
“Inverted narcissists are sticky fish, admirers of talent, followers of gurus. In fact, they have exactly the same structure of trauma with narcissists, they are also organized personally, but for some reason they deny the narcissistic in themselves and prefer to always be close to someone who allows themselves to do this, with whom this can be done openly reside. Moreover, “inverted” narcissists can easily be inverted in some respects and classic in others. For example, a woman is a modest housewife, a gray mouse with a brilliant, popular, high-ranking husband. And in her relationship with her child, she already plays the role of a classic narcissist - the child must meet her requirements, reach out, and she gives or does not give a medal.”
A couple of important notes for those who survived =)
The strategy I described is several years of work under the strict guidance of a psychologist. A good psychologist usually knows what he is doing and has successfully walked this road himself in the past. So if you suddenly feel upset that you can’t repeat it all yourself, don’t be upset. This is basically not real.
I wrote this article so that you can use it as a map in your work with a psychologist - to see at what stage you are now. Perhaps discuss with a psychologist what is preventing you from going further. I think this orientation is very important.
If you have not yet started working with a psychologist, then I hope it has become a little clearer to you what the specifics of a narcissistic character are, where to start on the path to recovery, and what pitfalls may lie in wait for you.
I work with narcissistic clients in Moscow and via Skype - if you need help, write. Details on the registration page.
I can offer my colleagues the format of case supervision or therapeutic supervision (exploration of your countertransference in connection with the client’s history and your personal history).
If you have questions, ask in the comments, I will definitely answer.
What to read S. Johnson, “Character Psychotherapy” F. Summers, “Beyond the Self.”
O. Kernberg, “Severe personality disorders.” H. Kohut, “Analysis of the Self.” I. Mlodik, “While you were trying to become God.” Healthy? Join my group on VKontakte: You can also find me on FB, LiveJournal and Telegram:
How to get rid of narcissism
Narcissistic disorder is often demonized, narcissism is easily attributed to abusers and manipulators, and it is indeed part of the so-called “dark triad” - a typical list of personality traits for people prone to malicious behavior. But this does not mean that every narcissist is a cruel tyrant, and his behavior cannot be corrected. If a person realizes that the specifics of his personality create difficulties for himself and bring pain to loved ones, he can successfully undergo psychotherapy. Drug treatment is not used in this case unless there are other comorbid disorders (for example, anxiety or depression).
Olga Gumanova:
“With experience, I am increasingly convinced that the popular “narcissophobia” today has no real basis. Any personality disorders and neurotic types of personality organization are not corrected only if a person denies his pain, depression, and tries to pretend that everything is fine with him. Narcissists actually have more reasons to deny problems because, as a rule, everything is fine with their careers and personal lives. Why do I need a psychologist if I have a prestigious position, a high salary and a crowd of fans?
Now 60 percent of psychologists’ clients are narcissists. People come because they are in pain, they have a very disassembled, fragmented self, they no longer want to endure it and want to change. And they can change if they want.”
What makes treating narcissism difficult?
As I already wrote, usually a narcissist begins to worry when the symptomatic self actively manifests itself - this can be anxiety, depression, simply low mood, or any physical symptoms.
You already know that the symptomatic self is the bridge to the true self. That is, in fact, through the symptom, you are addressed by a deep feeling of discomfort, a shirt that is too big for you, a forced life to live not your own life, but someone else’s. The one that your parents once imposed on you.
It is logical that exacerbations often occur against the backdrop of crises: dismissal, relocation, marriage, divorce, etc. The defense of the false self weakens a little, and the authentic self gets a chance.
And everything would be great: the crisis would open the way to real self, to your own destiny, as often happens in books and films. But the problem is that the narcissist's true self is stuck at the level of two or three years. It is very different from the brilliant picture that we have become accustomed to over the years of success. And therefore, when you look your true self in the eyes for the first time, it is difficult to feel anything other than disgust. This is not me, I am not like that at all, put it away.
For a narcissist, realizing who you really are is essentially retraumatization. After all, narcissistic injury occurs when parents reject a child and do not want to see him for who he is. And this is the habitual view of a narcissistic personality on himself: cut off everything weak, cultivate everything strong.
It is not surprising that usually a narcissist who finds himself in a state of crisis wants only one thing: to return everything back, to again feel as grandiose as before the crisis.
And this is a big trap. Returning to your old life is like redecorating a falling apart house. Might be a good temporary measure. But one day the walls will crack again, and these cracks will be even deeper.
It is important to realize: in the pursuit of success, you are losing your real, real life, in which you can be truly happy. The one you were actually born for and which suits you much better than what you have now.
How to live with a narcissist
There is no universal answer to this question - the options will depend both on the degree of narcissism of the hero, and on the type of relationship and your own personality. In any case, it is important to recognize the problem and accept the fact that this is a person with a very specific view of the world, for whom arguments that are obvious or convincing in your opinion may not work. If the pathology is strong, it is better to avoid close contacts; if the traits are moderate, you can try to persuade the person to undergo therapy. Which, most likely, you both will need, because, as already mentioned, people with other neurotic disorders are often drawn to narcissists, and understanding your psychological “bugs” is no less important here than improving relationships with a relative or partner.
The narcissist makes people believe their lies by adding a drop of truth to them.
This clever trick is often used to intrigue people at work. For example, a colleague says to Svetlana: “Yesterday you were standing by the cooler, and I saw you talking to Alexey. You guys cooed like doves. Be careful if you don't want rumors to spread around the office."
The manipulator took Svetlana by surprise. She remembers that she was standing at the cooler, and Alexei walked by and stopped briefly to say hello to her. But she begins to be tormented by doubts: “Maybe I looked stupid? Perhaps I was flirting without realizing it? Now they will gossip about me.” A grain of truth added to outright speculation makes Svetlana a victim of a manipulator.
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Should you run away from a narcissistic man?
Now I want to give you a sweet candy in your mouth. Come closer. Open your mouth wide.
You've probably heard more than once, or twice, or three, or four times that if you recognize a narcissist, then you need to jump and turn 180 degrees in the air in order to get away from such a man as quickly as possible, flashing your neon heels in nights.
So here it is.
If you meet someone like this, then I advise you to take a closer look at him, because these assholes have a very strong trait that so many people lack. And this is the absence of immaturity. They always have a lot of energy and often achieve a lot in life. They just spend a lot of time on narcissism and self-satisfaction (it's not what you think). If they channel their vanity into their business, if they stop doing bullshit, success awaits them. If they direct their vanity towards a woman, then this will be a strong family with great ambitions.
Therefore, if someone tells you that you need to get away from a narcissist, then get away from the one who tells you this. But before that, tell the speaker that Gord tells him to go to hell. Let him shut up.
Delicious candy, isn't it? You can close your mouth, by the way.
How does a narcissist feel when people ignore them?
If the narcissist begins to feel ignored by his partner, a void will form in his soul that urgently needs to be filled. The reaction to being ignored is always full of ostentatious drama; it is often too exaggerated.
How does such a person feel:
- Fear of being alone. His ego remains without nourishment, which means that life ceases to have any meaning.
- Anger because someone disrespected his personality.
- Vulnerability, because as a result of not being needed, no one will have to admit their shortcomings. And, as you know, the narcissist, in his opinion, does not have them.
The older a person with developed narcissism syndrome gets, the worse he behaves towards the people who surround him. It is extremely rare that behavior changes for the better. All psychological problems get worse with age.
