Today we have a book from the publishing house “Peter”, which will certainly be useful to all of us. “The language of flirting. Words and Gestures" is not just a beautiful book. This is a well-illustrated guide from a woman (Fran Green) who has spent over 20 years studying the language of flirting !!!
The site Beautiful and Successful again got the most “delicious” chapter of the book: about what men do when they want to attract the attention of a woman . The chapter contains a small test and signals of men’s interest with photos!
Broken vase
Several years ago I was visiting my close friend Tatyana in a provincial town. “Meet my second husband, Sergei,” she introduced me to a quite pleasant young man ten years younger than her. For some reason, Tanya did not inform me about her new marriage in advance. Okay, a husband is a husband. Having recovered from the shock, she sat down at the table with them. At first, Sergei was courteous and polite, pouring wine for the ladies and telling jokes. Soon he became tipsy, his tone became suspiciously vulgar and cheeky.
Having pulled himself together quite a bit, Sergei grabbed a heavy bowl of fruit and threw it at Tanya’s head. She barely managed to dodge. The vase broke into pieces, peaches and grapes rolled on the floor...
Sergei picked up an ax that was lying in the corner. “So it’s like that,” he announced. “I’m going to see a friend now, I’ll be back in two hours.” If you don’t open it, I’ll cut down the door with an ax and hack you to death at the same time.” He slammed the door with all his might.
“Don’t be afraid, he won’t do anything!” - Tatiana swore. But she herself understood that staying in the house was dangerous. “Let’s go to my employee, there are only five stops on the tram.” We ran to the bus stop.
Sadism
Relationships that include sadism are most often entered into by those who systematically experienced physical abuse in childhood. The psychology of women with victim syndrome is quite simple: they instinctively choose men with sadistic tendencies and unconsciously provoke them to violence with their behavior, as if giving permission for beatings. Any unimportant reason can lead to a beating, for example, an insufficiently ironed shirt or over-salted borscht.
A woman may be addicted to beatings. She complains about her husband, cries, shows bruises and abrasions, and the righteous anger and condemnation of her husband from others gives her pleasure, so she continues to forgive her beloved tyrant over and over again. Thinking about her situation and taking any action is not beneficial, since deep down she is happy with the state of things.
Interesting! For every sadist there is a masochist. Such people can live quite happily in marriage until a very old age and even treat each other with respect. Some are aware of their inclinations and transfer them to the sexual sphere.
Dictator in slippers
“The abuser seeks to control and manage a woman’s behavior,” comments Irina Matvienko, coordinator of the first All-Russian helpline for women, opened by the National Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence “ANNA” . “Therefore, all his actions are aimed at isolating her from her usual circle of acquaintances and relatives, minimizing all social connections, then she will cease to be responsible for her own life. After all, parents and even close friends can take her side, provide support, and he will feel that the victim is slipping away from under his power. For the same purpose, he forbids her to go to work, hides important documents, can ruin her personal belongings or harm pets, and most importantly, beat children in front of her eyes.
According to Irina Matvienko, if Tatyana had gone to the police, they would have considered the case as an isolated episode of family life. It is very difficult to open a criminal case in such cases. Usually law enforcement officers say: “When he inflicts serious injuries on you, then contact me.” In fact, domestic violence is a long-term, systemic act. It all starts with “harmless” barbs, ridicule or criticism, and ends with really serious injuries or even murder. The system of family violence is cyclical: having splashed out negative emotions on loved ones, the despot subsides for a while, and a peaceful period begins in the family, like a honeymoon. He can speak kind words to his wife, give flowers and even cook dinners, and she calms down, hoping that this peace will reign forever.
But the “honey” periods of time end, and the tyrant in soft slippers, intoxicated with impunity, returns to the usual practice of beatings and insults. There comes a moment when a woman feels immersed in a vacuum of loneliness, deprived of all support, a weak-willed toy in the hands of an unpredictable husband who can dress and feed her, or tear off her arms and legs and throw her into a corner. Sometimes she hears advice from older relatives like: “Be patient, everything will work out, we endured it too, everyone lives like this...”
The point is not that our men are so “bad”. Once upon a time, social roles were fixed in the family: the man was the breadwinner, the woman was the keeper of the hearth. Without this, a family, especially a large one, simply could not survive. Today, social roles have become confused: men no longer have the need to be the breadwinner, and women are educated and can support children themselves. However, many men still cling to the outdated patriarchal family model in which they were raised and want to continue to be the “head” of it.
And women, with their current independence, are committed to marriage, love, and devotion. The old, patriarchal form of the family is in conflict with the more modern, equal content. According to many psychologists, upbringing also plays a role: if the father abused the mother, then the children learn this model of behavior and reproduce it in their own families.
Jealousy
Jealousy is the feeling that makes you do crazy things, including beatings. There are many known cases where murders occurred for this reason.
“Being jealous means loving” is an expression that has won the hearts of romantic ladies. However, when jealousy has no basis, causes a storm of emotions and occurs with frightening frequency, we can talk about its pathological basis.
Reasons for jealousy
- low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence;
- narcissistic personality disorder, feeling inferior;
- self-defense - a man who has more than one betrayal behind him begins to incriminate his half in every possible way so that she does not suspect him of infidelity;
- middle age crisis;
- flirting, arousing interest;
- difficult past experience associated with betrayal.
Alarm suitcase
If the incident with my friend happened today, she would have a chance to resort to an ambulance - call the free helpline for women victims of domestic violence: 8800-7000-600.
“Our first priority is to listen carefully and sympathetically to the woman who called,” says Irina Matvienko. “After all, sometimes she doesn’t even have anyone to share her sorrows with.” Then you need to find out how dangerous her situation is, how she herself assesses it. Together with her, we draw up a safety plan, find out if there are relatives or friends with whom she could hide for a while, and give her information that she can use in a critical case. For example, the address of the nearest crisis center or shelter for survivors of violence. We do not recommend anything - as a rule, it is ineffective. We are trying to help her find internal resources to overcome the situation. And to file an application against the rapist in court or not to file, to divorce him or not - she decides for herself.
Irina Matvienko gives several recommendations in case a catastrophe is brewing in the family. Firstly, it is best to pack an “emergency suitcase” with the personal items necessary for the first time and some products for yourself and the children.
Be sure to keep with you or in a secluded place inaccessible to the offender, the most important documents - a passport and birth certificates of children, a little money for the first case.
You should also save all payment receipts for large purchases and real estate - they will come in handy if you still intend to file for divorce and division of property.
...And what about Tatiana? Recently I went to visit her again. And she told me the end of her woman's story. Sergei, once drunk to the point of insanity, beat her so much that she lost consciousness and spent two weeks in the hospital with a concussion. After being discharged from the hospital, she left home without looking back. Now she lives with her adult son and went back to work.
“But I’m afraid of men,” she admitted. “I don’t want to become dependent on them again.” After all, my first husband beat me too. What if the monster gets caught again?”
Alcohol
Alcohol is a catalyst for many inappropriate actions and crimes. Under its influence, a person’s consciousness changes, moral standards become more blurred. For this reason, he begins to believe that hitting a woman is normal, understandable, and even natural.
For a person prone to physical violence, in a state of alcoholic intoxication, every little thing will seem significant, affecting his human dignity.
Another reason why drunk men may use force is unsatisfied sexual desire. Scientists conducted a study, the result of which showed that alcohol makes men perceive women more as a sexual object. When they do not get what they want, intense anger arises, which, accordingly, results in aggression.
Useful advice from psychologists
If a husband raised his hand against his wife, the psychologist’s advice will be useful and will help avoid provoking difficult situations. A specialist who, over the years of practice, has helped change his worldview and his life is Nikita Valerievich Baturin. The recommendations and experience of a psychologist-hypnologist are successfully used in practice by women, change the behavior of spouses, and restore former relationships. How possible is it to save the family if the husband hits his wife, what to do - the advice of psychologist Nikita Valerievich will provide invaluable help.
What to do, what to do if a husband beats his wife, advice from a psychologist:
- give up searching for a man’s aggression - only with the help of a specialist will it be possible to determine the provoking factor;
- It is not recommended to correct character flaws or fight violence on your own - together with a psychologist you will be able to choose an effective way to resist aggression;
- adhere to the line of behavior developed together with a specialist, do not engage in amateur activities - if a man hits a woman, psychology will help you choose the right path;
- make sure of the man’s desire to change family relationships for the better - if the spouse does not see the bad in attacks of aggression, it will not be possible to correct the husband;
- avoid conflicts - leave your spouse alone for a few hours, go shopping, visit your parents;
- do not respond to violence with violence - joint fights will end sadly.
It happens that a woman gets lost if her husband hits her, the psychologist’s advice turns out to be useless - the recommendations are forgotten and are not put into practice. It is important not to limit yourself to one visit to a specialist - in one or two sessions, says Nikita Valerievich Baturin, it will not be possible to develop an effective line of behavior.
Psychology has precise answers to the question of why a man beats a woman, but without consulting a specialist, there is no need to hope for a resumption of the relationship. Attacks of aggression on the part of a spouse are caused by factors that are difficult for a woman to determine on her own. Violence is stopped by eliminating the cause, otherwise the only way to avoid beatings is a complete severance of relations.
Provocations from a woman
It is not always possible to blame one man for beatings. There are women who deliberately bring the situation to a critical level with humiliation, insults, scandals over minor reasons, and hysterics. They enjoy winding up their lover and arguing with him.
Personal reasons
Moral satisfaction, elevating one’s personality at the expense of one’s husband, receiving attention, pity, a positive attitude, and the appearance of intercessors—this is the goal of female provocateurs.
Important! In such cases, there are rarely “full-fledged” beatings. Most likely, this is a slap, a slap, a push, etc.
Material benefit
Men feel bad after what happened, feel guilty and try to make up for it with gifts or pleasant deeds, surprises.
Note! In such cases, practice shows that beating incidents are not repeated with another girl.
It’s interesting that such girls manage to get away with it even when they have a lover and it becomes known.
The relationship lasts exactly until the moment the guy begins to understand that he is crossing boundaries, that he wants to hit him more and more, just to keep the girl silent, and that something needs to be done about it.
Correcting your husband - is it possible?
A woman’s desire to save her marriage by trying to change her husband’s behavior is understandable—ladies cannot imagine loneliness. Will it be possible to correct the behavior of the other half, how to stop aggressive manifestations on the part of the husband - questions to which it is recommended to seek answers with a specialist.
What to do if your husband hit you, is it worth forgiving, the advice of a psychologist will be indispensable for making the right decision. Experts warn: both spouses need to change.
A woman must realize that too much depends on the behavior of her wife. Get ready for difficulty right away. Supporting your husband in his endeavors, the ability to listen carefully, give advice, and avoid conflicts are a small part of the psychologist’s recommendations. To prove to your spouse by your behavior that your soulmate is nearby, regardless of success or life’s problems.
Criticism of a spouse is unacceptable, even if a man acts incorrectly, mistakes will lead to unpleasant situations. Forget past shortcomings, misdeeds - no reproaches! Frequent encouragement, praise, and flattering words are the only option for communication.
Psychology gives recommendations on how to change your spouse after situations in which a man beats a woman. A representative of the stronger sex must find a way to relieve emotions and direct aggressiveness in a different direction. There are two effective methods developed by psychologists.
The first option is to get out of the habit of asserting an opinion using assault. Learn to express thoughts and actions in words. It is enough to express dissatisfaction with your spouse and explain the reason for your anger - you won’t have to prove your case with your fists. Over time, you will be able to constantly express anger and resentment in words, and your behavior will become a habit.
The second method is simpler and does not require much effort. Intense sports - boxing, wrestling, football - will allow you to direct energy in a direction that is safe for your spouse. Having taken out his aggression on his opponent, the punching bag, the satisfied man will return home. There will be no thoughts left of proving superiority with fists.
Helpful advice! It is important for the spouse to avoid conflicts, even if there is dissatisfaction with the late return. A quarrel can become a drop that provokes new violence, despite the man’s fatigue.
