The wife is offended by her husband, what should the man do? Many people take the path of least resistance and do NOTHING, but is this the right tactic?
As you know, a woman is a creature with a subtle mental organization. It is very easy to offend her, and the reason can be a mere trifle: inattention to the words and actions of the spouse, a bad joke, criticism of the appearance and quality of housekeeping... You never know! I forgot the date of my first kiss, and now the wife is offended, and the husband does not understand the reason.
Find out why your wife was offended
An intelligent woman, as a rule, is quick-witted and does not stir up conflict over an insignificant issue. But there are some ladies who accumulate negativity in their souls and build entire philosophies around quarrels. This corrodes the soul... There are also reasons for grievances that in no case should be forgiven. If your wife is offended and is silent, do not be silent yourself. Everything is discussed and everything can be decided - after all, you are alive, healthy, and your love has not gone anywhere. She is only wounded - seriously or not too much.
So, speak up. Start figuring out what you did or said wrong. When the wife is offended and does not speak, mutual silence can drag on and serve as a reason for the conflict to escalate. A smart husband will be able to overcome the woman’s resistance and reluctance to discuss the quarrel. She closed her petals like a rose and exposed her thorns - water your flower, it needs nourishment with gentle words, gentle touches, proof of attention and love.
Admit your mistake, even if deep down you think you are right. What is more important to you: your own ambitions or mutual understanding in your family? But my wife finally began to thaw. Try to look at the quarrel with a small (at first!) dose of humor. This is how, step by step, you will come to reconciliation, which can be so sweet after a thunderstorm.
If my wife hurt me, should I show her my hurt?
Hello, dear D.!
You are doing the right thing by striving for peace in the family, and we hope that your efforts will be rewarded. The fact that you are interested in how to behave during a quarrel proves that you are able to maintain composure even when you are offended.
Let me answer your last question first, because... it is the only one to which a clear answer can be given. In any situation, you should neither start nor continue to be offended. The Torah specifically prohibits holding a grudge. Even on people we don’t know, and even more so on our family and friends. But what if we have already been offended? Try to forgive. Find any excuse for the person who offended us, just as we would justify ourselves: today she had a hard day; she herself was offended at work; she is tired; feels bad; got nervous; didn't think; I didn’t know that such words hurt me, etc. Think about the advantages of a loved one, which are probably more numerous than the disadvantages; we just tend to forget about them in anger. Think about how we would worry if, God forbid, something happened to her because we couldn’t forgive her. That the Almighty forgives the sins of those who forgive others. And that the very existence of the world is supported by those who can restrain themselves during a quarrel and cannot respond with insult to insult.
This advice is much easier to give than to implement. To some extent, this is our main work in this world: learning to love our neighbors as ourselves, forgive them, not take revenge, etc. You have to learn this all your life, and even if sometimes breakdowns occur, don’t think: “Well, that’s how I am, I’ll stay that way,” but try again and again. A Jew is obligated to constantly work on his midot
(qualities), and family life, especially with a person whose character is “not sugar,” creates the best conditions for this work.
Now let's try to answer the remaining questions. How to behave when we are offended? Should I show my resentment? Even if a quarrel has already begun, you should remain as calm and cool as possible. An angry person is not inclined to show sensitivity to his opponent, to understand his condition, so demonstrating his resentment at such a moment will, at best, be useless, and at worst, will cause a malicious reaction: “Serves you right!” and continuation of the quarrel. In general, when a quarrel flares up, you should try to put it out at any cost, without thinking about your pride. This can be compared to a fire: when the house is on fire (God forbid!), the last thing a person will worry about is how he looks jumping out of the window in his pajamas...
When the passions subside or if the taunt that offended you is uttered “in passing”, in a peaceful atmosphere, you can say with maximum calm: “Maybe you don’t know, but such words really offend me.” If the answer is “Serves you right!” or “How sensitive you are!”, which means this method is not suitable. You can say, “I'll try not to be offended by this anymore,” and close the topic. The best thing you can do after this is to really try not to be offended, or at least show as much composure as possible if it happens again.
If you decide to talk about your grievance, you must explain its reason. What is “already clear” to one may not always be as clear to another. As a rule, women are more sensitive than men, and it is women who usually tend to “make riddles.” Sometimes a wife “sulks” at her husband for several days in a row, answering questions about the reason for this: “You know.” Which makes the husband feel like a complete fool. If your wife offends you, maybe she understands how she offended you, or maybe not. In most cases, sincerity is best.
In a very calm environment, you can try to have a heart-to-heart talk. Start with the good: give a compliment, praise the food she cooked, the house she cleaned, etc. Tell her how much you love her. Then ask for forgiveness for sometimes offending her. Explain that you cannot always understand what hurts her. Offer to talk about it. You may hear things you didn't even know existed. Then tell her what you don't like to hear. Agree that you will try not to say hurtful things to each other, and if you forget, remind them about it. You may also decide, in the event of a quarrel, to turn to an authority figure - a rabbi, a marriage counselor, a mutual friend, etc. - who you can rely on not to tell other people about what you heard. You should not contact your or her relatives to resolve problems, because... they will not be able to be completely objective. Having made a decision, try to carry it out yourself, regardless of whether the other party does it. A man is more emotionally stable than a woman, and it is he who should be the standard of fidelity to his word and consistency in the family.
Frankness between spouses is good in the vast majority of cases, but there are exceptions. Psychologists identify certain pathological personality disorders. A small percentage of people (both sexes) have an unhealthy desire to inflict pain on their spouse, getting pleasure from it or thereby achieving superiority and power over him. Fortunately, such pathologies are quite rare. But if they are present, the frankness of the offended person will inevitably be used against him. Life with such a person can be unbearable. In these cases, you need to immediately contact a good family consultant who can determine the depth of the problem and refer you to a specialist, if necessary. If someone suspects that a spouse has signs of such a disorder (don’t rush into diagnoses - leave it to the specialists!), the best way to communicate with him is to be as emotionally independent as possible, to maintain composure and not react to insults.
Without a doubt, there are various pitfalls in family life. But it is family life that allows us to develop our personality to the maximum, to reveal traits in ourselves that we would not even suspect about if we lived alone.
I wish you a successful resolution of all conflicts!
Sincerely, Miryam Klimovskaya
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A family psychologist will find out why a wife is often offended
Find a marriage specialist with good recommendations and go to him first alone, and then perhaps with your spouse. The reason why a wife is often offended may be completely unexpected. At psychotherapeutic sessions, sometimes old painful problems are revealed that come from deep childhood, which only a specialist can help smooth out.
If a woman projects previously experienced feelings, relationships, grievances, complexes onto her husband, this is called transfer or transference in psychology. Dealing with this is not easy; Freud identified the problem, and since then many methods have been invented to combat this phenomenon.
It would no longer even occur to reasonable people to be embarrassed about going to family psychotherapy: it has already saved many married couples. We go to the dentist when a tooth hurts, and we don’t hope that it will somehow resolve on its own!
Everyone gets tired in their own way, not just her
She stays at home with her 8 month old baby. I understand her fatigue from the monotony of sitting at home alone with her child.
Tired of monotony...
And the fatigue from working from morning to evening and also studying is, like, less fatigue.
A kind of frivolous, neglectful fatigue.
It’s not just fatigue from BOREDOM, this, I understand, is fatigue...
By the way, here's another point. Whose problem is it that you are tired at work? Yours or hers?
It seems to me that this is your problem. Accordingly, it’s up to you to deal with it. And there is no point in complaining about her.
And good for you for not complaining! You just work calmly and cope with fatigue on your own.
It's logical isn't it? So why can't this same logic be extended to the wife?
Why should you provide her with emotional support in those moments when she is tired of BOREDOM, while you are forced to cope with your fatigue and stress from work on your own?
As for me, let everyone deal with their stress on their own.
She says that it would be better if she worked for me for a day, that I come, showing my fatigue after work. (I work in a car dealership as a sales consultant) I am not a sociable person by nature, but my job forces me to talk to people from 8.00 to 20.00 in order to pay for a rented apartment, a loan for a car, etc. Regular expenses per month are about 50,000, my wife does not work and there is a child.
I constantly hear insults that I don’t buy this kind of thing for her, that my son needs to buy it, then I never feel sorry for him. We rarely go to the establishment, I come late. I start to wash the dishes, she says stop staying with me, the next day I come, not washing them, she says she’s tired, and you’re giving me more work.
You earn money, but your wife is offended that you don’t buy her something?
Ok, so there are obvious material needs.
Do you have any requests for her? What are these requests?
What exactly does the wife do that is so great that allows her to be able to manage the money she earned through honest labor?
I would just say, “ Honey, are you making money for your family?
“Then I would wait for an answer.
Then he would say with a calm smile: “ Well, whoever earns money, let him decide on spending
.”
As for the dishes, I would do the following. Whoever earns more in the family does less housework.
That is, if you earn 50%, and she earns 50%, then you clean, wash, wash, change clothes equally.
But if you earn 100%, and she earns zero, then how much housework falls on you?
I think you understand where I'm going with this.
And in general, I’m in the mood to thicken the colors, for greater persuasiveness. Let me ask you a frank question.
Who has the eggs in this family?
I constantly hear that I’m doing this wrong, this is not right.
Dear, I don't understand what the problem is. You earn money for your family. You are the Boss here. You are the commander here. You are the head of the family. Here you decide what and how, and you are free to decide this for yourself and for your family, because you feed it.
Do you even realize that, in your words, your wife is almost parasitic on you? Symbiosis is not visible at all. There would be symbiosis if you earned money for the family, and this is for you
if your wife would pay a lot of attention, send messages and photographs of erotic content while you are at work, and please you in all sorts of pleasant ways when you come home from work. And all this with enthusiasm and a zealous desire to please you.
Your wife is actually doing great. You don’t have to work, your husband waters and feeds you... but you don’t have to pretend to be a traditional wife either! The kind that your husband would say, “ Clean the floors before I arrive.”
”, and she would do it without squeaking.
As I see it, democracy in the family is good, and unequal, traditional relationships, in which the man is the breadwinner and the wife creates warmth and comfort at home, is also good. Both systems work.
But your wife chose the best of these two systems for herself and the worst for you. On the one hand, the wife does not feed the family, but on the other hand, she demands something else.
To me, this is a mess. Something needs to change. You have to make a choice yourself.
What choice would I make?
I would calmly let my wife know that the drama has come to an end, and that the i's should be dotted. And then I would calmly explain where the border is that should not be crossed. In my case, this boundary would be any kind of dispute regarding housekeeping.
If my wife made 100% of the money and I lived off of her, I would have no problem putting on rubber gloves during the day, getting down on the floor and scrubbing off the stains my wife left on the floor last night while having dinner with me. .
If I earned 100% of the family income, I would have no problem gently but without discussion asking my wife to clean up after me and in the kitchen. And if my wife is not satisfied with this, I would understand that I took the wrong woman as my wife.
Or it can be democratic - if I earn about half of the family income, then I wash here and here, and she washes here. Or everyone washes after themselves.
The point is that I would stipulate such things in advance and in open text. You, apparently, did not discuss such things, and then, in order to avoid conflict with your wife, you remain silent and reluctantly follow her wishes, as long as she does not rape your brain too much.
Which, in fact, she does to the fullest.
