Every person has encountered this feeling at least once in their life. But for some reason, some experienced a rather painful state of depression and alienation, blaming their own loneliness for all the troubles. Others, on the contrary, experienced emotional uplift. How can the same condition cause such opposite reactions? Let's figure it out!
In today's digital world, where everyone is focused only on their own self, it can be easy to feel lonely. The illusion of visible communication is so ephemeral that it can easily dissolve at any second. And in real life, loneliness, for various reasons, sometimes completely independent of you, may well become your companion. It’s up to you to decide whether to be happy or sad about this fact.
Why men's loneliness is perceived differently
Loneliness is like the smell of a poisonous plant: it is pleasant, but intoxicating and over time becomes destructive for the strongest people. © Friedrich Spielhagen
Women, leading psychologists and men of different ages and social status explain the reasons for male loneliness in different ways. If guys can cite the need to study a lot and build a career, lack of time for acquaintances and meetings, then men in adulthood look for an excuse in the fact that they failed to meet true love. Some position their loneliness as freedom, the absence of any duties and responsibilities. They attribute these concepts to the advantages of male loneliness.
The overwhelming majority of representatives of the stronger sex want to have a stable relationship, an established life, and children at the age of thirty. In their opinion, they can already build their entire future career, a program for their implementation, while being family members. It doesn’t even matter to them whether their marriage will be official, or whether they will simply live together with their chosen ones. The main thing is that men are conscious of the fact that having a family is a must, and they should choose a reliable life partner.
However, the number of young men who have not started a family by the age of thirty is growing every year. They begin to understand that the older they get, the fewer opportunities they have to organize their lives. Very often, men refer to their own shyness, excessive modesty, or even timidity in front of women. They find advantages in this situation, because they have time and energy for professional growth. Thus, young men reassure themselves and focus on prioritizing social status and achieving material well-being.
Age is no barrier to happiness5
A person’s life seems to be built according to a set scenario: “Grew up, studied, worked, got married.” But not everyone shares such views. Despite the fact that most of the population of planet Earth automatically act according to generally accepted principles, the “white crows” want to arrange life according to their own rules. Who said that a girl's age is short, and after 25 a girl can't find personal happiness?
Modern women look luxurious having crossed the fortieth mark, and having a crowd of promising fans behind them. The same can be said about men who keep themselves in shape and are able to conquer young girls.
Both married and single life are filled with advantages and disadvantages, and each person should decide for himself in which direction to move.
Living alone as a man: an accident or a pattern
Single men increase their self-esteem, become confident, and then strive to maintain their position, the main advantage of which they consider freedom. It’s rare that anyone can say “stop” to themselves and think that it’s time to switch from a career to starting a family. Male loneliness becomes familiar to them and, in their opinion, a natural state.
Successful people who do not strive to fight their loneliness do not conform to generally accepted norms, and become objects of gossip and gossip. They have no need to change their habits, and some of them even consider themselves happy people, which causes bewilderment among others. They perceive them as antisocial individuals and treat them with pity.
If a man is already over thirty, and has never been married or had a permanent long-term relationship, the fairer sex around him thinks that he is “something different.” It doesn’t occur to them that perhaps he was stressed due to his first unsuccessful experience in organizing his personal life. It could be betrayal, disrespect, or the desire to be in charge. Most likely, such men need psychological release, a new acquaintance that will make them forget about past troubles.
Male loneliness, based on the fear of failure in relationships, can end in a meeting with someone who will change the entire world around him and make him look at it with a completely different look. The person will forget about his past, and the desire to live for the sake of his beloved will return to him.
It’s another matter if male loneliness is a source of pride, an integral part of the implementation of a program where the goal is material well-being multiplied by absolute freedom. Such a person cannot be convinced that his ideas and concepts are untenable, and that family life will bring positive changes and moods into his life.
Many women, without meaning to, scare men away with excessively high demands.
They insist that there should be a strong man next to them, who is able to provide for them and protect them from everyday adversities. But if their chosen ones have a vulnerable sense of self-esteem, they may understand that they cannot cope with such a mission, and withdraw into themselves. After all, not every man can take on the financial side. To do this, he needs to earn a lot in order to feel like a real master of the situation.
Male loneliness may also be the reason that a man was very critical of the choice of his half, and was always looking for some shortcomings in women. Some seemed immodest and overly liberated to him, others - bad housewives, and others did not suit their appearance. As a result, such men conclude that there is no, and cannot be, a worthy chosen one, and they begin to get used to bachelor life. It never occurs to them that the reason for this situation is their difficult character, pickiness or selfishness.
Lonely Man's Den3
The bachelors' home looks in accordance with the lifestyle of its owner. It can be a well-appointed oasis, a studio apartment, with all kinds of amenities and household technologies, or a “homeless hut” with scattered socks, pants, beer bottles and greasy sheets. Most single men benefit from the caring help of a loving mother. The furnishings of the house reflect the vision of an adult woman on daily life. The bed is covered with cotton sheets, the flowers are watered, the cutlets are laid in the pan, the panties are ironed.
Mommy cares day and night about the well-being of her daughter-in-law, looking for a suitable passion for her “darling”, not forgetting to harshly criticize every madam in a skirt who appears on the threshold of her dear child. Regularity: the older the son gets, the stricter the “casting” is. The son, as a result, gets used to the overprotective parent, compares women with his mother, and finds fault with every “hole”.
How a man can prepare himself for changes in life
To rethink his attitude towards his personal life, a man should take a blank sheet of paper and write on it the advantages of male loneliness, its negative aspects, and directions for further action.
- The idea that a person should come to terms with his loneliness is untenable. He cannot, and should not, be alone, and all the “calming” theories about self-sufficiency are not confirmed by anything. This is a manifestation of escapism; instead of finding the right solutions, a person moves away from the problem, withdrawing even more into himself.
- Changing your condition means gaining faith in yourself and your strength. You cannot justify failures in your personal life by lack of masculinity, the necessary financial condition or gentleness of character. You should be determined to take decisive and courageous actions, otherwise you will never be able to overcome loneliness.
- When changing yourself for the better, you should not choose a path that will lead to the development of aggression, anger, and even cruelty. After all, being a man does not mean behaving like a wild male. This is an extreme that should be avoided. It is much preferable to become fearless, but at the same time noble and restrained, purposeful. You need to get rid of the negativity received as a result of previous failures, and not transfer it to new pages of life. All relationships should start from scratch.
- If a man positions himself as weak, soft and compliant, and does not want to change anything about himself, it is worth reconsidering the approach to choosing his soul mate. After all, you can meet strong and self-sufficient women who prefer to have just such partners. Loneliness will be over, and the rest of the development of the relationship will depend on the two of you.
- Those representatives of the stronger sex who are afraid to be around more successful women should set the goal of achieving career and professional growth, which will put both on the same level. This is a rather productive approach that will serve as an additional incentive for a man’s development.
All problems from childhood
You can see photos of male loneliness in expensive glossy magazines. Even successful and beautiful people do not feel self-sufficient. Why? All a person's problems lie in his childhood. Think about what relationships were like in your family when you were little. How you were raised, how your dad treated your mom. If the father beat his mother, scolded her all the time and said that all women are fools, then the boy involuntarily believed this statement. Growing up, the man began to look for confirmation of his father’s words. And whoever seeks will always find. It is not surprising that a young and handsome guy will remain lonely if he constantly tries to find faults in any of the girls he likes.
The situation becomes even more complicated if the boy did not have a father as a child. The role of the main man in life could be taken by one of the relatives. Unwittingly making an idol of a person who was a teacher, the boy could pick up his life beliefs. And it is difficult to get rid of the feeling of inferiority for a child who grew up in an incomplete family. Since childhood, the boy understood that not all families live peacefully and that divorce is quite natural. In such a situation, you need to independently or with the help of a psychologist get rid of the statements inherent in childhood, rewriting them with new ones.
How men escape loneliness
Men's loneliness forces them to seek salvation in communication with friends, in sports activities, in clubs and organizations. A person strives to find solace, to feel needed, to find recognition.
With such approaches, solving the problem can only be postponed, because this is only a temporary solution that will not change the situation as a whole. A person will remain lonely both in a circle of like-minded people, in the gym, and at home. Male loneliness will be within himself, and he will not be able to hide from it. The worst scenario could be excessive indulgence in alcohol, casual relationships and dubious companies. A person risks falling into the abyss, and he should come to his senses and reconsider his behavior.
Sooner or later, all friends will start families. Interest clubs will become unattractive, and meetings for intimate relationships with frivolous women will exhaust all mental resources. If we also don’t forget that the years are passing, then in five or six years it will be very difficult, almost impossible, to catch up.
A person cannot be alone. He still needs a companion with whom he would share all his joys and sorrows, on whose support he could count in any situation. Therefore, there is no reason to cling to male loneliness; it has never brought happiness to anyone, no matter how those who are proud of their imaginary freedom and apparent independence try to convince him of this.
Independence and sustainability
As a single person, you are only responsible for yourself. But this also means that you will inevitably have to deal with all areas of your life on your own. You should be content with only yourself, and at best you will have to learn to love yourself.
Bella de Paulo writes in her book Singled Out: “Single women often struggle with stigma. So after they succeeded on their own, they became more resilient to social pressure and failure.”
Reasons for male loneliness
Psychologists have written many monographs and dissertations about the causes of male loneliness. Most experts tend to distinguish two groups of single men:
- The first group includes those who remain lonely due to their personal characteristics;
- The second group is people with spiritual characteristics who cannot step over their prejudices.
Every person strives to avoid stressful situations. For many people, new acquaintances bring a number of experiences, doubts, and require significant mental strength. Relationships involve communication, and the man has to talk about himself, about his past life. He will tremblingly await the assessment of his chosen one, because she may not like something in his words.
If he gets a low rating, he will have a desire to avoid new meetings, and the man will conclude that all relationships with the opposite sex will end for him in the same way. It is easier for him to remain alone than to make an attempt to improve his level and still normalize his personal life.
Men can be shy and indecisive by nature, and these qualities are perceived by women as weakness. They treat them with a degree of condescension, thereby exacerbating their desire to never look for new acquaintances. If this happens in adolescence, this psychological trauma can remain for life. The person will become afraid of relationships and will avoid them even in adulthood.
There is a type of man who cannot get rid of psychological dependence and emotional attachment to his mother. They inevitably compare all the women they meet with her, and reject them if they find nothing in common. In their minds, a mother is a model for a future wife, and they are not going to change this position. It will be almost impossible for them to find their chosen one with this approach.
Pros of a free life6
Single life seems sweet and alluring. Indeed, when a person is not burdened by the relationships and opinions of another individual, he enjoys various “goods of the world”:
- Financial side. No one will blame you for your low salary or set aside most of your income for “unforeseen expenses.” A bachelor spends money on his loved one, saves for a vacation, buys something he has long dreamed of. It could be a car, a new handbag, a radio-controlled airplane, or a porcelain doll that a woman has dreamed of since childhood. No one will contradict or interfere with spending finances at their own discretion.
- Housing to suit your taste. The furnishings in the apartment and the order in it depend on one single owner (or mistress). You can throw clothes left and right or create a flower greenhouse out of your living room - no one will say a word. There is no one to grumble about the reigning disorder and there is no need to shout dissatisfiedly after someone: “Don’t trample, I just washed the floors!”
- Food like a king. Halva and gingerbread are always available. Today we have borscht for lunch, and tomorrow we have pizza for dinner. Or ice cream. Or a glass of dessert wine.
- I'm friends with whoever I want. Guests come to the house when its owner decides, and not a gloomy wife or a strict husband. You can have hen parties, stag parties, spend the night with relatives or friends - whatever your heart desires. No one will order in a threatening tone into the phone: “Home immediately!” I think this is called: living for your own pleasure.
- Rest for the soul. The bachelor himself decides where, when and with whom he will spend his weekends, vacations or holidays. Last year the celebration took place among relatives, this year it is planned in a restaurant in a friendly company. And there are also cooperatives with interesting employees... Eh!
- Interests and hobbies. This is an important fact for creative individuals. The picture is touching when the newly-made husband, in the voice of a strict mother, orders a young wife: “Forget about your dancing, you now have a family!” That's it, it's over. Finish line. Among women there are also despots who forbid their husbands to go fishing, play musical instruments or write poetry. Life partners consider having a family a serious step, for which it is necessary to abandon “your self” and join the gray mass of daily existence.
Bachelors list the enormous advantages of a free life and shrug their shoulders in fear at every mention of marriage.
I'm my own boss
You are left to your own devices; you do not need to agree on a time and place for leisure. Wait for late company or blush yourself by being delayed. If you want, you immediately go to the cinema, or if you want, to an amusement park. Without compromises or concessions to the detriment of your comfort.
When you are alone, you are in charge of your plans and life.
Meeting with yourself
In the 19th century, writer and naturalist Henry David Thoreau conducted an experiment. He built a hut on the shore of Walden Lake in Massachusetts and spent two years in it. It was a philosophical experiment based on a philosophical principle that affirmed the endless spiritual wealth of the human personality. Solitude, withdraw into yourself, escape from the stuffy city, the philistine surroundings - and the strength will open in your soul for the revival of goodness, beauty, and original perfection.
Today, psychologists have proven that healthy mental development requires alternating periods of intensive receipt of sensations and information with periods of solitude in order to process them. A much larger part of the thinking process occurs in the depths of consciousness than at the level of thinking attached to external impressions.
Loneliness is a time to meet yourself, to see yourself, to try to understand - what “ordinary” people, who have the opportunity to drown out their own voice with worries and communication, are so afraid of. Psychologist Ben Moustakas emphasizes the importance of the difference between “the vanity of loneliness” and “true loneliness.” Vanity is a system of defense mechanisms that distances a person from solving pressing life issues and constantly encourages him to strive for activity for the sake of activity together with other people. True loneliness is not always a voluntary choice. It can be caused by divorce, death, imprisonment, disability...
In solitude, feelings are sharper, thoughts are deeper, perspective is further. Being in solitude, a person has the opportunity to reflect on the path traveled, evaluate and re-evaluate something important, and think about the future. It is no coincidence that rare photographs of people serving life sentences make such a strong impression. We do not know about their repentance, so it would be too bold to talk about the rebirth of these very unusual and incomprehensible personalities. But their speeches are amazing; Over the years, philosophers are born from terrible killers in solitary confinement.
Psychologists William Sadler and Thomas talk about the cosmic dimension of loneliness. In it, a person comprehends himself as an integral reality, common with the surrounding world, nature; feels connected to God; gains faith in the uniqueness of his destiny.
Option 1
(443 words) Why are people lonely? This question worries many of our contemporaries who are faced with this problem. But the reason for this illness is as old as the world: people whose views differ from the opinions of the majority will always be misunderstood and far from those around them. Many writers have written about this, examples from whose works confirm my position.
So, I.S. Turgenev in the novel “Fathers and Sons” described a hero with a progressive worldview, who could not find a place for himself in a social reality that did not coincide with his paradigm of thinking. According to Bazarov, all existing orders are outdated and have lost their meaning, so they must be destroyed in order to find a suitable replacement. He sees his role in this process in the destruction of foundations that do not meet the requirements of progress. Evgeny has his own point of view about everything, and it shocks his listeners. So, he considers nature a “workshop”, and a person in it as a “worker”, but the hero refuses to glorify the poetic beauty of landscapes, because he sees only practical meaning in trees and rivers. From the very early morning, Evgeniy goes into the forest to get frogs for experiments and other materials he needs. What do the other heroes do? They “sybaritize”, drink tea or cocoa, and talk. They see something completely different in the world around them: Nikolai Petrovich admires the starry night and remembers his wife, Arkady also prefers not to work, but to dream in the lap of nature. It is obvious that in such a society Bazarov will always be alone, because his views contradict what is customary to worship. He does not agree with other people on anything, because he lives in his own way, and not in the same way as those around him.
Chatsky, the hero of the play by A.S. Griboedov’s “Woe from Wit”, is also lonely due to his status as a “black sheep” in a society that lives completely differently from him. Famusov and his guests are proud of their connections and cunning tricks, which allow them to occupy profitable positions not by merit, but by acquaintance. The ideal for them is Maxim Petrovich, who deliberately falls to hang himself the empress and achieve her patronage. Chatsky is disgusted by such sycophancy. He is against cronyism and veneration. The progressive hero also condemns serfdom, on which all Moscow landowners live. They sincerely do not understand why the nobleman Chatsky would cut the branch on which absolutely all the landowners sit? They lack education to understand Alexander's position. Ignorance is the deepest chasm separating Chatsky from those around him. If he had not received a diploma abroad, he also would not have noticed the problems hindering the development of Russia. From this example it becomes clear that loneliness is a consequence of the uniqueness of the individual. It does not coincide with the majority’s ideas about the norm, therefore it becomes unrecognized and alienated.
Thus, people face loneliness due to misunderstanding. They are not recognized in the team because they are different from the majority and do not fit into the environment. Their opinion contradicts what is considered an axiom, and people, not wanting to argue and delve into dissent, avoid communicating with them.
Significant other
A person attracts the people he deserves. And this is not some kind of prophecy, but a real fact. A person always chooses his environment from a type that he considers attractive. Male loneliness is an indicator of bad choices. But if a person does not change, then over and over again he will step on the same rake. You've probably noticed that most men choose girls of the same type. And this applies not only to appearance. For example, some are attracted to a bitchy character, while others are attracted to reverence and obedience. Some people like bright girls, while others prefer modest ones. It is worth remembering that if you make the same choice all the time, there is no point in expecting different results. If a man got burned by a girl who preferred an open relationship, then there is no point in taking the same rake. It is better to look for a lady who will want to start a family, and not a person who is eager to go out and get a lot of new experiences. Always be conscious when choosing a girl. A lady should be attractive not only on the outside, but also on the inside. You need to pay attention to the interests and values of the lady. If they match yours, consider that you have made the right choice. But in relationships, not everything is so simple. It's not enough to just find the right person. You need to be able to maintain love and make concessions.
Life goals
Any person should know where he is going. If a guy has no plans, his future will seem very murky to him. And this fact will depress a person. Male loneliness after 30 years occurs among insolvent men who have no idea why they came into this world. A person who learns something new every day and strives to realize his plans will be passionate about life. Loneliness will not accompany such a person. A person who communicates with several dozen people every day can easily find a soul mate.
If you still don’t have a purpose in life, then it’s time to find one. Sit down and write down everything you've ever wanted to do. Remember all your dreams - both big and small. You'll take them apart later. If you already know exactly what you want to become, then don’t put off implementing your plan for too long. Enroll in relevant courses that will give you the necessary skills to achieve your goal. And small dreams can become vacation plans. Don't be afraid to take risks and do crazy things. They will help you gain the necessary experience and become an interesting person.
