Advise or sympathize: how to carefully help a person in trouble

RelationshipsGirlfriendsPsychology of relationships

Sometimes people turn to us for advice or criticism, but sometimes you just need to silently listen to the person or express sympathy. How to distinguish these cases and help exactly what is needed (and not what we think would be better)?

pexels

Few people can carry disappointment and pain within themselves. We are designed in such a way that we need to speak negative emotions out loud in order to release them. Perhaps, in order to analyze them at the same time - verbalization helps a lot with this, says psychologist and psychiatrist Marsha Lucas. But just talking out loud is not enough - often we need another person who can take part in the situation. And this is where the problem sometimes arises.

Types of reaction to a situation may vary

Imagine that a child has a terrible tragedy. I had a huge fight with my best friend or fell down. Broke my knee. What can a parent say when he sees a scratch and bitter tears?

And I told you that you had to watch your step. Look, he also tore his new jeans, what a child. One continuous misfortune.
Come to me quickly. Where does it hurt? Here? Give me a blow and a kiss, I understand that you are in pain.

You can also silently take her in your arms. Wait until the person calms down. And after that, talk about what was done wrong (indeed, he ran and did not look at his feet). And how to avoid this in the future. Or don’t explain anything - and so everything is clear. Let’s go and buy some ice cream like we were going to do and just think, some kind of scratch.

How to sympathize in real grief?

We once worked together with a translator, who later left our department. She and I have always had a wonderful relationship. After she left, we sometimes called each other, but then the communication naturally stopped. From time to time I heard something about her from mutual friends. Not long ago I was told terrible news: the translator’s son died. I was shocked, but I was never able to call to express my sympathy. Maybe I'm overcomplicating this issue. Nothing special: pick up the phone and call with words of condolences. I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time, but I couldn’t come up with words adequate for this occasion.

Recently she called me out of the blue with one request. I immediately remembered that I had never expressed my condolences over the death of her son. We discussed a question that interested her, and this thought bothered me all the time. We ended the conversation, but I never brought up the topic.

Maybe I did the right thing? Not every misfortune requires a sympathetic response. Of course, the translator’s grief was so terrible that any words, even the most sincere, could irritate and seem inappropriate.

And in other, less terrible, cases, it may be better to remain silent or get by literally

in a few suitable words, without imposing yourself. It seems to me that you don’t always need to try to respond to another person’s troubles by vigorously demonstrating your responsiveness.

Tags: rules of behavior, personal psychology, psychology of communication, empathy, feelings, etiquette

It's the same for adults

In adulthood, the situations are exactly the same, only, of course, the depth of experience may be different. The scale of the disaster is changing. The degree of responsibility (and, accordingly, the size of the headache). But, in essence, we still need exactly the same things.

pexels

Sometimes you need sympathy - when it’s so bad that you just sit silently and cry. Any words like “I told you so” only make things worse. Even without this, a person understands that everything is terrible, he feels guilt, shame and it is very difficult for him.

Or sometimes you need advice - even if the truth looks very unpleasant. Even if the advice will offend or anger you.

Is it possible to have sincere sympathy for someone who is not very close to you?

Hardly.
When a friend or acquaintance talks about his troubles, we imagine only ourselves in this situation, not him. How do we know what is happening in someone else's soul? No matter what words he expresses his feelings, we will never fully understand them. This means that when we utter sympathetic words, we really only sympathize with ourselves in the unpleasant situation of a friend. And when we give advice, we advise ourselves, because again we imagine ourselves in another person’s difficult situation. For many people, purely external condolences are quite enough as a sign of confirmation of a good relationship.

I observed how people react differently to the need to sympathize.

How do you understand what kind of support a person needs?

The easiest way, of course, is to ask in words. For example, a friend calls and says: “I have such a problem, I really don’t know what to do.” And he begins to talk. If this is sympathetic attention, then we listen in the following spirit: “What are you talking about? And you? And he? So what is next?" - and this, in fact, is exactly what is needed at some moments. Just knowing that you can talk it out. Just knowing that someone nearby cares. And at such a moment you need to gather all your will into a fist and not give any advice. Don't read notations. Don’t be smart and, worst of all, don’t try to assert yourself at the expense of an already suffering person.

pexels

But it may also be that a friend is also asking for advice in words. What would you do in her place? This is where you need to take initiative and shine with creativity. But do this carefully and tactfully, do not lash out and do not blame the person. Of course, sometimes you need to, figuratively speaking, knock on the head, because a person does obvious stupid things - and sometimes there is simply no one to tell about it except close friends. That's why they are, in fact, friends. But here it is important to accurately understand the boundaries, the degree of intimacy in the relationship and the acceptable level of sincerity.

How to learn to be compassionate

Letter to the editor:

Hello! I have a question about how to help a loved one, but not in a material sense, but to support him in a human way. Because with this there is always something not quite right, as it seems to me. For example, you helped with money or did something else, but what do you say when a person simply feels bad, when he cries or constantly complains to you? As usual, you say “everything will be fine” or “don’t cry,” but it’s somehow past the point, and I just don’t know what else to say - I can’t look into his soul, and I’m still not his mom or dad. . I feel very uncomfortable in such cases, as if I am not meeting the person’s expectations; it seems to me that he begins to think that I don’t really care about his problems, although I honestly want to help. What can you do here?

Andrey, Vyborg

Psychologist Alexander Tkachenko answers a reader’s question

You will regret it. How to support a person so that he doesn’t get worse

“Man is a being who suffers in the world and is compassionate, wounded by pity; this is the height of human nature,” wrote the Russian religious philosopher Nikolai Berdyaev. We all experience grief ourselves from time to time, or we grieve together with other sufferers, supporting them in difficult times. But we do it very differently. For some people, empathy seems natural, like breathing, and they do not experience serious difficulties when communicating with a suffering person. Others are forced to make a serious effort for this. Sometimes it is so serious that there is simply not enough strength for sympathy and the person generally refuses to participate in someone else’s misfortune. And with the receiving party, too, everything is not as simple as it might seem.

Many people are familiar with the situation when, in a difficult moment, they suddenly begin to “comfort” you so persistently that you are ready to forget about your grief, just to get rid of this “help” as quickly as possible.

But no matter how complex and contradictory the options for such relationships may be, the person in them still remains the same - a suffering and compassionate being, wounded by pity. This is the measure of our humanity, its necessary minimum, falling below which a person simply ceases to be human. Therefore, for each of us there is an urgent need for a skill that, alas, not everyone possesses - the ability to sympathize without being destroyed by the pain of others and without causing even greater suffering to another with our pity. But before we start talking about this skill, it is necessary to make a digression on an equally important topic - about personal boundaries.

Thesis one: Respecting the personal boundaries of another person is a necessary condition for love in its Christian understanding

When we hear the word “border,” we immediately associate it with some kind of separation, fencing off from something. But this is by no means the only function of boundaries. Oddly enough, they are the ones who create the possibility of interstate relations, agreements on mutual assistance, trade, and cooperation. If there were no borders between states, the states themselves would disappear as subjects of these relations. In the same way, any relationship between people is possible only where there is me, there is another, and there are boundaries that determine where I end and where the other begins. Where these boundaries do not exist, relationships disappear, giving way to unconscious servicing of other people's feelings, needs, whims and sins, which a person begins to perceive as his own.

Paradoxically, personal boundaries allow us to maintain freedom, without which even love turns into a faceless fusion, when one person becomes part of another, losing its independent existence.

Christian writer C. S. Lewis directly called this “devouring love” demonic. Here is how Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh comments on his thoughts: “...When we say that we love a person, what does that really mean? There is an English writer Lewis, who wrote a book of letters from an old demon to his young nephew... This is really about spiritual life, only inside out; and this old devil gives professional advice to a young devil who has just been released into the world, about how to treat people, what to do in order to seduce and destroy them...

And by the way, he says in one of his letters with bewilderment: “I can’t understand... Christ says that He loves people and leaves them free. How can we combine this?” And he continues: “I love you, but this means that I want to take you into my claws, hold you so that you don’t run away from me, swallow you, make my food out of you, digest you so that you won’t leave me.” there would be nothing left outside of me. This is what I, says the old devil, call love. But Christ,” he says, “loves and sets free...”

So, respecting the personal boundaries of another person is a necessary condition for love in its Christian understanding. This means that we can show Christian compassion for our neighbors only by respecting other people’s boundaries and not forgetting about our own.

Thesis two: Behind a request for help, completely different human needs can be hidden.

People often need compassion, sometimes asking for it almost openly. However, behind such a request there may be very different needs, which I would like to briefly talk about, dividing them into several categories.

1. Real need for emotional support.

It is experienced by people who are in trouble and feel that they themselves can no longer cope with their grief. It probably doesn’t make sense to describe in detail different options for difficult life situations here. In addition, people's psychological resistance to stress varies. Someone is able to courageously experience the death of loved ones, loss of health, divorce, betrayal of friends. And for some, a protracted quarrel with parents or a bad grade in a grade book may become an unbearable test. Therefore, without being specific, let’s simply accept it as a fact that this category includes everyone who is feeling very bad right now.

2. Unmet need for communication.

Sometimes a person simply does not have enough attention. There is no one to talk to him, no one to listen to him, no one with whom he can share his feelings and thoughts. Why this happened is a separate conversation, but this is how a person’s life turned out. At some point, he learns a simple truth: people are much more generous in their conversation with those whom they want to feel sorry for. And now any everyday problem turns for him almost into a disaster, malaise into the beginning of a terrible illness, fleeting grief into depression. And every time the next “trouble” becomes a convincing reason to call your family or friends in order to inform them in a dying voice about how terrible everything around and inside is. Well, then you can allow your anxious interlocutors to calm yourself down, listen to their sympathetic, encouraging words, and feel that you are still needed, important and interesting.

3. Overt manipulation that allows you to get what you want from people, against their will.

Actually, the previous category can also be classified as manipulation, with the only difference being that a person seeking communication and warmth most often manipulates his neighbors unconsciously. However, the same principle can be used if you clearly understand what exactly you are doing now and for what purpose. For example, start a conversation by describing your own troubles and suffering, making your interlocutor feel guilty for being so happy and prosperous in comparison with you. And after this, carefully negotiate for yourself all kinds of preferences and bonuses in the relationship. After all, an imposed feeling of guilt, like a thief’s master key, is one of the main tools that forces a person to do for you something that he had no intention of doing of his own free will.

With the first point, everything is obvious: a person needs help, which means it should be provided competently. But with points 2 and 3 the situation is somewhat more complicated. Although, it would seem, it couldn’t be simpler: manipulation is an unworthy thing, and if you discover it in a relationship, you should immediately stop communicating with such people. However, what if the manipulators suddenly turned out to be not some station swindlers who trade in fortune telling, but the people closest to you - your mother, grandmother, grown children, or simply someone whose communication you value?

Thesis three: Manipulators do not necessarily need to be indignantly excluded from the list of people worthy of sympathy, pity, and compassion.

They also need help, just of a different kind. And here you need to be able to recognize their true need in order to give them exactly what they are waiting for. So, for example, it is not at all necessary to console or encourage a person experiencing a lack of communication by listening to all his groans. Instead of participating in a performance about imaginary sorrows imposed on you, it will be much more productive to carefully shift the conversation to topics that are truly interesting to the person.

After all, he just wants to talk, he wants to be listened to and shown attention. Therefore, without reacting to his tear-squeezing story about the futility of existence, you can ask him about his grandmother’s unique borscht recipe, what kind of bait is best for perch in winter, or who was the vocalist of the band Deep Purple in 1975.

Talking about what is interesting to a person, what he has succeeded in and can share his experience is the best recipe for such cases.

With obvious manipulators, the situation is approximately the same: having skipped the “suffering” introductory part of the conversation and having found out what they really want from you, you should think about whether you are now ready to provide this help to the person. If so, then in plain text you can say in response something like the following: “I understand that you want to ask me to replace you during the holidays and come out to work on your shift?” It is very important here that the person himself voices or confirms the true content of his request. Then, from manipulation, your relationship will turn into a normal conversation between two adults, each of whom takes responsibility for their behavior. If for some reason you cannot or do not want to provide the expected service, you should also first clarify with your interlocutor what exactly he wants from you. Then calmly and politely refuse him.

It would seem that all this has nothing to do with compassion and pity for one’s neighbor. But, unfortunately, many cases when sympathy is expected from us turn out to be ordinary manipulations, where they are simply going to use us “in the dark” to satisfy their needs, while completely ignoring our desires and capabilities. Indulging a manipulator in this is an obvious sin against one’s neighbor, who, like Lewis’s demon, seeks to deprive freedom and make part of himself everyone he “loves.”

Thesis Four: Christian compassion cannot be forced

This is where personal boundaries come to the rescue, allowing us to determine where our needs end and where the needs of another person begin. A person can consciously sacrifice his time, mental strength and other resources only when he clearly sees that these resources belong to him and he himself decides to share them. But if, instead of such awareness, a vague feeling of guilt arises in which you no longer understand whose need you are going to satisfy - your own or someone else's - then we can safely say that your personal boundaries have been broken by a manipulator who skillfully controls your emotions and behavior.

In such a state, any manifestations of your compassion can hardly be called the fulfillment of the Christian commandment of mercy: Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal 6: 1-2). After all, you can take on these hardships voluntarily, or you can just suddenly find someone else’s luggage on your neck, which they attach there without your permission, simultaneously cooing in your ears that, they say, this luggage is actually yours, you just used to be do not know.

It is obvious that even with good intentions one should not participate in someone else’s deception, which is trying to put on the clothes of compassion over ordinary human weakness and lack of will.

Jesus Christ, giving His life as a sacrifice for people who had fallen away from God, said: No one takes it from Me, but I myself give it. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to receive it again. I have received this commandment from My Father (John 10:18). Every Christian receives such power—to voluntarily sacrifice oneself for the sake of others—in holy baptism. And this is indeed power, which must be treasured, not forgetting its high origin. Christian compassion cannot be forced; it is always the fruit of a free choice in favor of love. Where they try to squeeze out this compassion through deception and manipulation, it is time to remember how the Pharisees tried to deceive Jesus Christ by asking him for spiritual guidance. And how they eventually received this instruction, but only after the angry words of the Teacher: Why do you tempt Me, you hypocrites?

Thesis five: Compassionate people can also have different motives, sometimes having little to do with actual participation in the pain of another person

These are, for example, the motivations for helping people with weak personal boundaries. Next to someone else's misfortune - real or imaginary - they always feel guilty and with their compassion they seem to try to atone for this guilt, although they have not done anything wrong. The absence of personal boundaries turns the soul of such a person into a passageway into which anyone can invade and behave as they please. Such people more often than others become victims of manipulators; they are unable to refuse anyone, because in case of refusal, the feeling of guilt can become unbearable.

From the outside it may seem that this is real sacrifice. But in fact, people of this type, through compassion, only serve their painful dependence on someone else’s emotional state.

The main sign of such “wrong” compassion can be considered the feelings of the helper himself after providing help. A persistent feeling of guilt, of being “drawn in” to someone else’s problem to such an extent that a person thinks about it all the time, forgetting about his own affairs, as well as the slight irritation caused by all this, which constantly has to be suppressed - this is the picture of compassion, which, instead of helping another, can destroy the most compassionate person .

Thesis six: You cannot get carried away with realizing your ambitions under the guise of help and compassion.

Another option for substituting motives is an unrealized thirst for power, control over other people. A person crushed by grief can be very defenseless. In this state, he may feel like a small child in need of adult help. And if the helper has a hidden desire to manage and dominate, in such a situation he should be very attentive to his feelings, so that, under the guise of help and compassion, he does not get carried away with the realization of his ambitions.

There are also other “benefits” for which a person is willing to endure the pain of others, for example, confirmation of one’s own importance or a feeling of being needed and in demand.

There is nothing terrible about this. To do good for the sake of good itself is the work of perfect and dispassionate people. And to do good, also with our own benefit in mind, is the lot of most of us. The Venerable Abba Dorotheos in his “Soulful Teachings” writes: “In three ways... we can please God - or we please Him, fearing torment, and then we are in the state of a slave; or, seeking reward, we fulfill God’s commands for our own benefit, and therefore we become like mercenaries; or we do good for the sake of good itself, and then we are in the state of a son.”

And if we suddenly discover that our compassion is not entirely disinterested, this only means that in fulfilling Christ’s commandment of mercy we are still like a slave or a mercenary.

But such compassion, according to Abba Dorotheus, is also pleasing to God. It is only important to be aware of these “side” motives in yourself and try to keep them under control, remembering that the main task here is still to satisfy the needs of the person in trouble.

Thesis seven: One of the main rules in communicating with a grieving person can be formulated as follows: if you don’t know what to say, it’s better to remain silent

The price of an empty or thoughtless word in a crisis situation increases many times over; instead of support and consolation, it can cause another wound to an already suffering person.

Although staying silent next to someone else’s grief is also oh so difficult. After all, compassion is shared suffering. And it happens that a person first sincerely wants to help, to support his neighbor in trouble. But, having approached his pain, taking part of it upon himself, he cannot stand it and tries to escape from this pain by any means. It seems that conscience does not allow leaving the grieving person completely (although it also happens: a person, out of fear of again experiencing someone else’s pain in compassion, simply stops picking up the phone, does not visit, does not answer letters).

And then, alas, the formulas of “consolation” that have already become traditional begin to escape from him as if of their own accord: “Don’t cry, others have it even worse than you,” “Now he (the deceased) is better off than us,” “It’s good that There’s more than one child of you.” All these and similar phrases are not born of compassion, but of the exact opposite feeling - the desire of a frightened heart to devalue someone else’s pain, and only after that take on part of such “neutralized” suffering. Of course, these attempts do not bring any relief to the grieving person, since they are aimed at satisfying the needs of the frightened “pityer”.

Another way of avoiding someone else’s pain under the guise of sympathy is a direct ban on grief: “Why are you limp? Cheer up, control yourself,” “Don’t worry, everything will be fine,” “You have to endure it, you have to move on.”

And, finally, the most “noble” option is a comparison with oneself as a loved one: “When my mother died, I almost went crazy,” “I know how difficult it is for you now, I went through it myself.”

All these words, seemingly intended to console, actually fulfill only one task - to stop a person from experiencing his grief, or at least to reduce its strength. Because being around him hurts us. And we want to not be hurt.

Thesis eight: A grieving person needs help to go through all stages of grief.

Meanwhile, a grieving person has a completely different need. He definitely needs to give vent to the emotions that are now literally tearing him apart. If they are simply suppressed (and this is what the “pity” options described above suggest), they can subsequently cause a lot of trouble, becoming the cause of neuroses and psychosomatic diseases.

Therefore, a grieving person must first of all be helped to go through all the stages of grief, feel the pain of loss, cry, get angry, simply whine and complain, cry on the shoulders of those who are ready to listen to all this without breaking down and without interrupting this vital process.

Once upon a time in the villages there was such a special profession - mourners. These were women who were invited to funerals to create a mournful atmosphere. The mourners acted as a kind of “detonator” of emotions, which in grieving relatives could be suppressed by the shock of the misfortune that had befallen them. Next to the inconsolably sobbing mourners, it was easier for the grieving person to finally give free rein to tears and sobs, freeing himself from the formidable consequences of unprocessed stress at the bodily level. Today there is no such profession, and many people consider crying, even in sorrowful circumstances, unacceptable.

Meanwhile, this is an absolutely natural movement of human nature, and the best proof of this is the tears of Jesus Christ, meeting the crying relatives and friends of the deceased Lazarus. Moreover, Christians have a direct commandment about precisely this kind of help for those who grieve: ... weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).

If you don’t have the mental strength for this, you can remember how righteous Job’s friends, who came to support him in his grief, had compassion: ...And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights; and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great (Job 2:13). Next, Job suddenly begins to get angry and curse the night of his conception, the day of his birth and his entire life. He speaks long and passionately, but his friends again do not interfere with him either by word or gesture. Only when Job has finished his angry cry do they very delicately enter into a dialogue with him: ... if we try to say a word to you, won’t it be hard for you? (Job 4:2). The Book of Job is very ancient; the events described in it are more than three thousand years old. However, the behavior of the friends of the suffering Job can still be considered today as an important practical recommendation for those who are compassionate. They were simply nearby, with their silent support helping the sufferer go through the first two, very difficult stages of grief - the shock of what happened and the ensuing anger.

Thesis nine: The defining sign of correct compassion is awareness, a clear understanding of the picture of what is happening in one’s own soul

But here we need to repeat once again that being close to other people’s tears and other people’s anger is not at all an easy matter. Two very different psychological processes help us realize compassion—empathy and fusion. The practical result of our actions will directly depend on which one we use.

With empathy, we sympathize with another person, that is, we feel with him, understanding what is happening to him, what he needs. However, at the same time, we also continue to perceive our feelings, we understand what and why is happening at the same moment with our soul.

That is, we are again talking about the presence of personal boundaries that allow compassion without identifying oneself with the grieving person, while remaining oneself. If there are no boundaries or they are too blurred, we also feel together with the other person, but we seem to merge with him, “losing” ourselves. The most striking signs of such a merger are an irrational feeling of guilt and responsibility for the consequences of other people's actions. When merging, it is immeasurably more difficult to withstand the burden of someone else's pain. Therefore, such compassion most often ends either in flight from an unbearable burden, or in the rapid depletion of one’s own resources, when the helper himself will need someone’s support.

The famous Austrian writer Stefan Zweig surprisingly accurately described the duality of the human desire for sympathy: “There are two kinds of compassion. One is cowardly and sentimental, it is, in essence, nothing more than the impatience of the heart, rushing to quickly get rid of the painful sensation at the sight of someone else’s misfortune; This is not compassion, but only an instinctive desire to protect one’s peace from the suffering of one’s neighbor. But there is another compassion - true, which requires action, not sentimentality, it knows what it wants, and is full of determination, suffering and compassion, to do everything that is humanly possible and even beyond it.” Probably, only the last phrase of Stefan Zweig could be argued: taking on something that exceeds your strength is still a risky business in any case.

Otherwise, everything here is correct both from a Christian and from a psychological point of view. The defining sign of correct compassion is awareness, a clear understanding of the picture of what is happening in one’s own soul, which “knows what it wants.”

It is the conscious experience of someone else's pain, the desire to help and the willingness to endure this someone else's pain that allows a person to remain compassionate and act for the benefit of the sufferer. Or, more simply put, they allow, according to the apostolic word, to cry with those who cry and, as Berdyaev said, to be a suffering and compassionate being, wounded by pity. That is, a person.

Collages by Maria Ivanova

“Any advice for you? Or should I just listen to you?”

It is with this question that the dialogue should begin in case of any problems. Then there is a chance that communication will be environmentally friendly and respectful. The main rule should be this: if they don’t ask, don’t interfere. If you can't help, just pass by in silence. Each of us has the right to refuse sympathy if there is no chance to express it sincerely. But you need to say this honestly, so as not to put yourself or your interlocutor in an idiotic position.

Advise or sympathize: how to carefully help a person in trouble was last modified: November 30, 2022 by Masha Dubrovskaya

How do people feel in difficult times? 5 stages of grief

Modern psychologists rely on the research theory of the American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who identified 5 main stages that people go through when experiencing grief.

Negation
. Often a person who has had a misfortune does not want to believe it; his subconscious does not perceive what happened as a real event. This stage can last from minutes to weeks. You should not insist on premature awareness of the problem, but maintaining illusions is also not an option. For now, it’s best to just be close to your loved one.
Anger
. The most dangerous stage, at which emotions have a strong negative connotation and can provoke aggression both towards oneself and those close to oneself. Try not to react to possible insults and not to be afraid of outbursts of rage. Soothing touches, hugs and the release of energy in a useful direction - active sports or occupational therapy - will help.
Guilt
. At this stage, the person blames himself for what happened, even if the situation had nothing to do with him. Listen carefully to the “accusatory speech” and try to logically prove its groundlessness.
Read also: Conversion disorder - causes, symptoms, treatment
Depression
. The stage at which a person is overcome by apathy, he feels a clear loss of strength, depression and general fatigue. The traumatic event is left behind, but there is a catastrophic lack of energy for a new life, obligatory tasks are performed with enormous effort, and there is no desire to communicate. You should not take on the responsibilities of the victim - this will only prolong the period of depression. You need to try to captivate the person with his favorite pastime, go to a museum or cinema together, or go for some pleasant shopping.
Acceptance of the situation
. Over time, a person comes to his senses, emotions and a thirst for activity return to him, but self-confidence is still not enough, and a new life has to be built literally brick by brick. At this stage, the support of friends, both in words and deeds, is very important. Try to express your confidence in his abilities as often as possible, praise him for the slightest achievements, encourage him if nothing works out for him so far.

What mistakes should not be made during support?

Different situations happen in life. Sometimes even one carelessly spoken word can aggravate the victim’s condition, push him to irreparable actions or cause disturbing thoughts.

What should you not do when supporting someone in difficult times?

Do not be overly curious, even if you really want to know what happened down to the smallest detail.
Don't give useless advice. The phrase “You need to come to your senses” does not carry any meaning. Help must be specific.
Don't ask if the person needs financial support. Just organize a fundraiser yourself, because in difficult situations money is never superfluous.
Don't be smart in hindsight. Your “Well, I told you, I shouldn’t have been out so late” will lead to nothing, the person will not calm down, and what happened has already happened.
Evaluations and analysis are also not needed yet. With his exclamations of “What a horror that happened!” or “We will all be there...” you will only bring negativity and hopelessness into an already difficult situation.

Thesis Four: Christian compassion cannot be forced

It is obvious that even with good intentions one should not participate in someone else’s deception, which is trying to put on the clothes of compassion over ordinary human weakness and lack of will.

Thesis six: You cannot get carried away with realizing your ambitions under the guise of help and compassion.

There are also other “benefits” for which a person is willing to endure the pain of others, for example, confirmation of one’s own importance or a feeling of being needed and in demand.

And if we suddenly discover that our compassion is not entirely disinterested, this only means that in fulfilling Christ’s commandment of mercy we are still like a slave or a mercenary.

“Monkey and Mirror” technique

Psychologists have developed many techniques that will be of interest to anyone interested in how to develop empathy. These exercises often require a partner - a person with whom they will be performed.

The technique called “Monkey and Mirror” is done as follows:

Roles are assigned. One of the tandem participants must be the “Mirror”, and the other must be the “Monkey”.
When the “Monkey” finds himself in front of the mirror, he begins to behave quite freely: demonstrate various emotions and experiences, grimace, move.
The “mirror” should reproduce her facial expressions and movements as accurately as possible.
After a few minutes, you can switch roles.
Then a summary is made. To do this, it is necessary to analyze what difficulties might have arisen in the process of performing the technique, how accurately it was possible to recognize the partner’s experiences and reproduce them.

What can you do to help a loved one in difficult times?

The desire to alleviate a person’s condition and help him relieve anxiety and tension, to give him a feeling of support and support is a normal human reaction. What exactly can you do and how can you support someone in a difficult situation?

Be near. Sometimes you shouldn’t even ask if your presence is needed, but just show up.
Take on household responsibilities at the most critical moment. Often urgent matters due to the incident are left unattended. Cooking a meal, making a phone call, going grocery shopping - all these simple actions may not yet be possible for a person who has experienced stress. When the victim comes to his senses, you should gradually involve him in everyday activities in order to distract him from disturbing thoughts.
Listen carefully. Even if you cannot find the right words to support, it is important to give the opportunity to speak out to the person who is in trouble.
Distract. You should try to switch the victim's attention to some other moment. A person in grief can spend days scrolling through painful thoughts in his head, which will undoubtedly affect his mental state if nothing is done.

If you feel that your loved one is not coping with the situation on their own, and your actions are not helping, you should consider seeking advice from a professional psychologist.

Summary

Empathy or the ability to empathize is one of the key components of quality communication. This ability is laid down in genes and develops in childhood, but even now you can train it. Here are 6 science-backed ways:

Practice mindfulness - it literally changes your brain.
Connect with people from other social groups.
Practice active listening skills.
Read fiction.
Communicate under stress.

Make new friends and play video games with them.

These simple but effective methods will help you learn to better understand other people. How important do you think empathy is for modern people? Write your opinion in the comments!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
Emotional Intelligence in Leadership
How to understand how a person feels
Empathy in simple words: what is it and why is it needed?
6 Skills to Develop Emotional Intelligence
BRAIN digest
Six Key Principles of Effective Communication
Reflections on Friendship
Circle of Empathy
"A Whole New Mind": a book about six necessary abilities
Why we like getting likes

Key words:1Communication

Why aren't all people empaths?

The reasons for the lack of empathy may lie in characteristics of character and temperament (self-centeredness, aggressiveness, a tendency to conflict, pedantry, deceit), at a certain moment - in emotions (irritation, hostility, intolerance, ignoring the feelings and words of another against the background of one’s own), in the characteristics of the profession (when immunity to the emotions of others is an objectively necessary condition for work). Lack of sensitivity to the emotions and feelings of others can also be a consequence of an antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy) or a genetic disease (autism). In the latter case, our recommendations, unfortunately, will be powerless.

Let's teach kindness and cordiality

BUY A SERVICE WATCH A VIDEO ABOUT THE SERVICE

Developing empathy using behavior modification technology 7Spsy

If you are confused and cannot build harmonious relationships with your partner, friends, or team, perhaps the reason should be sought in a low level of empathy. As a rule, problems affect several areas of life at once, and it is very difficult to cope with them on your own, and sometimes it is not at all possible. In such cases, it is best to turn to specialists in the field of behavioral psychology for help in solving problems.

Let's teach kindness and cordiality

BUY A SERVICE WATCH A VIDEO ABOUT THE SERVICE

7Spsy behavior modification technology is a patented method based on the behavioral theories of I. P. Pavlov, A. A. Ukhtomsky, B. F. Skinner. The 7Spsy course will help you understand people’s feelings and improve relationships with loved ones. The method allows you to work through attitudes that interfere with your ability to build relationships with others. Replacing them with those that will help increase the level of empathy. This method provides for distance completion of the course. Throughout the program, the psychologist will be in touch with you by phone, messenger or e-mail. The work is carried out individually in conditions of strict confidentiality. By learning to feel people, you can more easily achieve your goals and build serious relationships.

Is it possible to train empathy?

Some people have a higher genetic predisposition to empathy. However, most people learn empathy as children simply by observing others. The child accepts empathy from adults and understands its emotional benefits. Or he can show empathy and receive praise for it, which reinforces the skill.

But can adults learn to empathize?

Research shows that adults can actually learn to be more empathic. We've selected six science-backed techniques to help you develop this ability.

Thesis eight: A grieving person needs help to go through all stages of grief.

Therefore, a grieving person must first of all be helped to go through all the stages of grief, feel the pain of loss, cry, get angry, simply whine and complain, cry on the shoulders of those who are ready to listen to all this without breaking down and without interrupting this vital process.

Kinds

Also, empathy itself can also be of several types:

Emotional (uses the motor reactions of the interlocutor).
Cognitive (understanding the interlocutor, affecting more intellectual processes).
Predicative (makes it possible to predict the reactions and actions of the interlocutor).

It is very important for every person to have empathy at least to some extent. And for people whose profession is related to the human factor, empathy is simply irreplaceable.