It can be difficult sometimes with everyone, but there are people with whom it is almost impossible or even dangerous to communicate. They may be aggressive, control-minded, or negative. Difficult people will still be difficult, but if you understand their secrets, strategies and tricks and adapt your behavior, you can get along with them. Forbes publishes a chapter from Richard Templar’s book “Rules for Managing People. How to Unleash the Potential of Every Employee" - about how to deal with hypersensitive people, passive-aggressive and manipulative characters.
And you, my friend, are not a saint!
The thing to remember is that you are not perfect either: what you feel for one, another may feel for you. We are all human and we have flaws!
You can usually avoid someone who is unpleasant. However, at some point such contact will become inevitable: through work, study, or it will be the boyfriend of your best friend. Using the tips below, you may find that difficult people can also benefit greatly from looking at things from a different perspective.
Successful people understand that such communication restrictions limit your own development!
Accept those you don't like
The truth of life is that we do not always come into contact with pleasant people. Just admit to yourself that you don't have to get along with someone. If you don't like a person, it doesn't mean that you are a terrible conversationalist.
Hybrid and flexible working methods: strategies for company success in uncertain times
Not sure about your future job: mistakes during dismissal that affect your career
In which European countries is it profitable to buy housing: review of the real estate market
But you need to find a compromise and get along with others. Therefore, being honest with yourself is the very first place to start. Do not pretend that you are experiencing negative emotions - this will lead to great difficulties.
Analyze your behavior
But before you express dissatisfaction with your colleague, analyze your own behavior. If conflicts in a team arise due to personal qualities, then you should discuss this with colleagues. We need to come up with a tolerant way of expressing all grievances so as not to offend anyone.
When you are alone, use the method of free association. During the process, you need to say everything you think. Don't filter your statements. Don't forget to record everything on video or recorder. Listen to the recording carefully later. This will help identify complexes and the true causes of irritation.
Perform a transfer analysis. It happens that childhood feelings and fears are transferred to a current colleague. And it’s not him who infuriates, but the image from the past. A detailed analysis of the behavior, character traits, and professional qualities of the annoying employee will help you cope with this. Learn to notice positive qualities. You should not be limited by your own skills, views, habits.
Follow up later. It consists of understanding the causes of conflicts and finding a way to change behavior patterns.
Psychologists advise simply focusing on the work process. Then the person will stop paying attention to stimuli, and productivity will be high. The result is a healthy psyche and good mood.
Mindfulness is the antidote to toxic relationships
Being around toxic people can have a terrible impact on our emotions. They can drive you crazy, but only if you allow it. The power over emotions is in your hands. This doesn't mean you ignore the person or their feelings. Admit to yourself that he annoys you and he likes it. Feel the evil completely - and relax. Smile and nod in response - this will discourage the “vampire”.
How to prepare: questions to ask yourself when making a life change
Attractiveness, demand: laser shooting range as a business - is it worth opening a business
Is it possible to be truly happy at work (and is it necessary)
Accept the fact that you won't be able to get along with everyone.
This is fine. Some people like you, but others can't stand you. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or others. Each of us just has our own preferences.
The decisive role here is played by the difference in characters. An extrovert will find an introvert boring, and a convinced realist may find the wonderful mood of an optimist inadequate.
We tend to invest energy in what we like. Let's say one of your friends or colleagues is annoying you. Of course, you will not seek a meeting with him and maintain contact. But sometimes this approach can develop into open hostility.
Tactfulness is in full swing
Being tactful is much more valuable than getting along with your temperament. Develop a diplomatically indifferent face - this means trying to treat everyone with politeness and tolerance. No, this does not mean agreeing with a person you dislike, but maintaining a level of decency when interacting with him is necessary.
Be gentle but assertive in your question and position. Focus on the problems that need to be solved, not on attacking your opponent. If you learn to do this consistently, you will look like a professional and gain an advantage in any situation.
Keep your emotions under control
Your reaction to this or that situation depends only on you. She can drive you crazy if you let it. Don't waste your energy.
Don't give in if someone bullies you or tries to piss you off. Sometimes “smile and wave” is the best method.
It is very important to initially treat everyone you meet with respect. This does not mean that you should always follow the lead and agree with everyone.
You need to be polite towards other people. This way, you will remain consistent with your opinion, remain calm, and the advantage will be on your side.
Don't take it personally
Everything that people do is only for their own benefit, not for yours. They may attack you either because of personal hostility, or because they simply “caught their hand.” Take the initiative in communicating with an unpleasant character, having first considered ways to react calmly, and also see a clear picture of such behavior.
It should be more than a salary: how to find a job you like
Those found cannot be kept for yourself: signs about bags that will increase your fortune
Current issue: is it worth opening a business with automatic devices for charging gadgets?
This way you will not overreact to those who react this way to you. Remember that every situation includes both a person and an issue being discussed. Concentrate on the second point, without forgetting the first!
Rise higher or you'll fall on your face
A toxic person is the easiest to react to because he often behaves defiantly. If you stoop to his level, he will drag you into an argument and make you the initiator.
Don't let your emotions take over. It is not necessary to react to such antics - focus on rational facts and responses to attacks from the outside. State a clear issue that everyone is here for, but do it diplomatically.
Rule #6: Be Formal
Attempts to communicate or cooperate with a toxic colleague in a human way always lead to failure, because such a person understands human communication only as beneficial for himself, and not as a polite and mutually beneficial relationship. In a work team, compliance with formalities will help solve this problem. Even if no one else in the office follows these formalities, discover the laws/regulations/decrees/contracts and act on them in a completely formal manner. This approach will create a serious obstacle to the interventions of toxic people.
Express your feelings calmly
The main problem is always the method of communication. If you are annoyed by someone's behavior and communication style, it is time to talk honestly about what is unpleasant to you. The secret is that you need to do this as calmly as possible and without unnecessary confrontation. Such language will allow you to show your “I” convincingly and clearly.
The goal is to express unpleasant emotions without blaming your opponent. For example: “When you argue with me, I feel unfairly accused. Please provide compelling arguments to defend your position.” Be specific when expressing your dissatisfaction, because doing the opposite will not solve the problem, but will only make it worse!
Your method of fighting
Not all things deserve wasting time and attention. Sometimes dealing with a toxic person is like arguing with a crying baby because it is simply pointless and not worth wasting your energy. Try to calm down yourself first. Ask yourself, will there really be pleasure and benefit in the upcoming dispute? Is it worth it?
What advantages do you have to win the situation? Think about whether the problem is situational or will it disappear only with the passage of time? In addition, the quarrelsome person can sometimes help in other ways. It is in your best interest to come to terms with its features if they bring more benefit than harm.
Today a blogger is a job: how to become a good influencer
Fortune will smile on Taurus: financial horoscope for the second week of February
“So rude”: employees said what irritates them most about their bosses
Healthy Boundaries
Wouldn't it be bad if a checkpoint could be set up to prevent a troublesome employee from trespassing? Sometimes a physical barrier is not possible, but you have the right to set boundaries.
Otherwise, the person who wants to “drink your blood” will constantly pester you. Set yourself an appointment time for such people. Protect yourself not only emotionally, but also physically, by protecting yourself from frequent contact with such characters. If you know you're in an emotionally charged situation, take a deep breath and calm down before you go on a "date."
Form a personal circle of communication
When some colleagues are annoying and others are not, this is due to compatibility on a biological level. Several employees of a company may have the same bad habits: banging a pen on the table, slurping, laughing loudly, etc. But an employee can calmly talk with some, or drink tea together during a lunch break. And in others, the cause of irritation can be anything.
Women are more vulnerable. They find it difficult to control themselves and their own emotions in moments of irritation. In most cases, women also piss them off.
Men have a higher level of self-control. If a colleague is a good specialist, is not afraid of hard work, and delivers everything on time, then they will calmly tolerate such an employee. Men will reduce communication during the working day and any contact with such a companion to a minimum and will work calmly.
Connect with like-minded people
Don't fight alone - there are always people who will support you. If you try to cope with the “snake” yourself, it rarely ends well - it’s difficult to feel your development when such a “stopping” character puts pressure on you. Find trusted people who will help and support you.
They can judge these situations objectively and find a way to deal with the toxic person. Sometimes all we want is to be heard and understood. Once we feel cared for, we can move on. Knowing that someone is standing “behind” you, protecting you, allows you to find the strength to interact with everything around you.
How to deal with unbearable people? And is it worth it?
They are rude to us, ignore us, devalue our achievements, or want us to solve their problems. What to do? We consult a psychologist.
There's a lot of talk these days about toxic relationships. If your husband or parent beats you physically and humiliates you mentally, then it is clear that you need to escape from such a relationship. But if no one hits you?.. It turns out that this is not a reason to release everything on the brakes and persuade yourself to “be patient a little longer.”
“A toxic relationship is any relationship that is destructive for you,” says psychologist Polina Tur.
You can figure this out by asking yourself a few questions:
- How important is my relationship with N to me?
- Do they develop me, stimulate me, bring me closer to my life goals?
- Do I feel good after meeting this person?
- Does this relationship improve my self-esteem?
- Do I strive to continue them?
The more “no” answers, the more reasons to reconsider this relationship, break it off, or develop defense tactics. This tactic can be different, depending on who you have to defend against.
Toxic people: who are they?
My son (Fyodor, 13 years old, not a psychologist) calls all unpleasant people “toxic.” He loves computer games, and there this word is used to describe those who interfere with others, insult, or behave disgustingly and inappropriately. Basically, the psychological term “toxic people” means, plus or minus, the same thing. Here are their main varieties.
Depreciating. “These people question any of our merits,” says Polina. “Sometimes they do it directly, sometimes in the form of ironic jokes and sarcasm, sometimes under the guise of concern. But most importantly, they multiply by zero any of our results and achievements.”
The Devil Wears Prada, 2006: Miranda Priestly is a master at undoing all the achievements of Andrea's assistant.
Aggressive. They insult us directly and humiliate us, pulling the rug out from under our feet. Even a simple tram boor can ruin your mood for a long time. What can we say about the boss, who, the bastard, got up on the wrong foot today.
"Avengers: Endgame", 2022: one carelessly spoken word - and the quiet Professor Banner turns into the Hulk, who "SMASH".
Ignoring. The third type of unbearable people are those who behave as if we do not exist: they do not hear, do not listen, and make us feel like extras at this celebration of life. It’s super offensive: you feel like you’re constantly screaming into an abyss where there’s not even an echo.
"The Taming of the Shrew", 1980: Lisa tries to seduce Elia, but he does not give in.
Complainants. It seems like a different story, but no. Dealing with a person who endlessly whines is difficult. And it’s impossible to send - he’s a good man, but unhappy - and it’s unbearable to be around. “These people are often warm towards us, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” says Polina. “They are immersed in their problems and endlessly share all the details. We try to help, but we soon realize that it is useless: such people do not accept any advice and do not change anything in their lives.”
“Autumn Marathon”, 1979: Varvara Nikitichna needs help all the time, because she is a poor thing and should be pitied
Why are they doing that?
“The Devil Wears Prada”, 2006
Of course, these people do not behave this way out of a good life. “The higher a person’s self-esteem and emotional intelligence (EQ), the more realized he is, the more comfortable it is to communicate with him,” explains Polina. “A good life doesn’t make people nasty.” But immersing ourselves too much in this, delving into motives and trying to read other people’s thoughts, is not beneficial for us. We, first of all, care about our own mental comfort, and do not conduct research work. And in this sense, it doesn’t matter why exactly a person behaves disgustingly towards us.”
Unbearable people have one thing in common: they are trying to solve their internal problems at your expense.
A classic of the genre: those who devalue try to fuel their own self-esteem and elevate their achievements at the expense of yours.
“ Aggressive people a high level of negative emotional stress and do not have adaptive mechanisms that would help them work through and express this tension,” continues Polina. “Such people often drink down their problems, eat them away, and/or take out their hatred on others.”
People who ignore often have a low level of development of emotional intelligence. They simply cannot be genuinely interested in other people and have healthy dialogue with them.
And complaints are a way of self-sabotage. “People not only replay situations within themselves where they seem to themselves to be sufferers, victims of insoluble circumstances, but they drag those around them into this swamp,” says Polina. - Complainants reject and devalue all offers so that the one who gives them also feels like he is in a hopeless situation. And they themselves were once again convinced that nothing can be changed, and they are the most unhappy people in the world.”
How to live with them? Instructions
"Wolverine: Immortal", 2013: the same trick as with the Hulk - almost turns into a monster.
an aggressive person: boors know how to insult better than well-mannered people. You can't win in this territory. The main thing is to get out of the situation with minimal losses. To do this, you need to realize: the words of the aggressor have nothing to do with you. His goal is to emotionally suppress you in order to feel power over you. And he uses any techniques to hurt you: after all, it’s easier to control a person with emotions.
But the aggressor has his own weaknesses. After all, he himself is emotional, and can hardly think clearly. Take advantage of this. The “...And?” technique works great with haters. It is very simple: to every accusation and offensive attack you need to answer “And what next?” or simply “...And?” This will force a person to bring his thought to its logical conclusion or absurdity.
On the Internet - for example, on social networks on your page - ban boorish people without being tormented by a feeling of guilt. “Remember that you are on your own territory, and it is you who set the rules here and decide what is permissible and what is not,” reminds Polina.
Regarding boors, psychiatrist Mark Goulston, author of the book “How to Talk to Assholes,” gives some working advice. The main rule according to Goulston: consider that an aggressive person is a madman, devoid of logic, and proceed from this. And do the following:
- Keep quiet. If you see that the interlocutor has suffered, there is no need to try to convince him. Try not to get involved in the dialogue - let him speak. After he finally shuts up, clarify the essence of his speech (“Do I understand correctly that you are dissatisfied with the timing of the contract?”) and ask how the situation can be corrected (or offer your solution).
- Don't get emotionally involved. When you are hurt or insulted, you want to respond in kind. And say too much. Remember that this is the manipulator's goal. Therefore, breathe evenly, imagine an annoyingly muttering radio in the place of your interlocutor, and repeat to yourself “this is not my problem.”
- Don't blame yourself if you relapse. Often the aggressor changes his technique: first an emotional attack - then the same emotional repentance and attempts to press for pity. Apologize for harsh statements or actions, but not for your overall behavior. Remember that this is the attacker's goal - to make you feel like a worthless person.
House, 2004: Fans are still debating whether he is a charming manipulator or a man without empathy.
Those who devalue try to boost their self-esteem at your expense. And your successes are rather failures, there is nothing to be proud of: the children are terribly ill-mannered, and you dress like they belong in a garbage dump, and your knowledge is superficial, so you better shut your mouth.
Of course, ideally, in response to such speeches, you should turn around and proudly leave, but in real life this is not always possible. Especially if it is not your neighbor on the staircase or your forgotten school friend who devalues you, but your boss, husband or parents. So what, divorce? Dismissal?
Well, actually, yes. Ideally. But you can go the complicated route of building boundaries and firmly defending them (step-by-step technique below).
In psychology, there is a universal scheme for their protection: DESC (describe, express, specify, consequences - describe, express, specify, designate consequences). Polina Tur, who teaches courses on building these very boundaries, came up with a Russian adaptation. It's called STOP:
- S – situation
- T – triad (thoughts, feelings, behavior)
- O – expectations
- P – consequences
Here's how to use it:
Situation. Establish the fact that boundaries have been violated using only facts and direct quotes. Don’t make judgments, don’t make generalizations (“you always do this because...”). Don’t talk about personal qualities (“you’re just an indifferent person”), don’t speculate on motives (“you just don’t love me”). Only specific external behavior - as if it was recorded by a video camera from the outside. For example: “Masha, I told you that I want to buy an expensive car. And you started telling me that I would never be able to save up for something like this in my life. And that it was in vain that I rolled my lip (here is a verbatim quote).”
Triad. We talk about our feelings and thoughts, describe our behavior - our reaction to the situation. What do you think, feel, want to do when a person behaves like this? Use “I messages”, try to speak as concisely as possible. Don’t “poke”, don’t blame, don’t complain, don’t push the feeling of guilt. For example: “I’m very upset to hear this. This makes me give up.”
Expectations. Describe what you expect from your interlocutor. What exactly needs to change in his behavior for it to become acceptable to you. Suggest a specific way to solve the problem. Don't lecture, don't beg, don't order. Formulate your proposal in the form of a wish or recommendation. “Let’s agree for the future: when I talk about my plans without asking for advice, you will not give them in this manner.”
Consequences. Let me know what will happen if this happens again. Don't threaten, just state - and be prepared to follow through on your words. For example: “I want to tell you right away that we won’t be able to communicate if such situations happen again.” Also voice positive consequences, how the situation can improve, appeal to the person’s personal interests: “If you listen to me, I will be very grateful to you.”
“Hamlet” (1996) is a typical manipulative ignorer: first he promises to marry, and then go to the monastery, Ophelia!
People who ignore sometimes don't even realize it. You need to explain to them what exactly you want from them. For example: “Petya, when I talk to you about types of concealers, your attention is important to me. Please look at me and ask clarifying questions, and don’t sit on the phone.” Well, adjusted for the intelligence of the interlocutor, of course.
If the ignorance is deliberate (you were blacklisted and communication was cut off) - accept it. Both people are responsible for the relationship, and it seems as if the one who interrupted communication decided for both of you: now you cannot reach him and answer. But in fact, he did what was good for him specifically. And he (like you) has the right to completely break off communication if he so chooses. And you have the right not to even explain why. Of course he's wrong. But here’s the main thing: the person doesn’t want to communicate with you anymore. Dot. And it depends only on his desire how to part: whether to send a farewell letter or simply slam the door.
What to do with complainants ? Listen, but don't try to solve other people's problems. Limit communication time (“Today I can only talk for half an hour”). Ask how exactly you can help, and do not offer anything else. And again, try not to get involved emotionally: no matter how cruel it may sound, everyone is responsible for themselves. Taking responsibility for another adult is not your job. Yes, you have the right to do so. But you don't have to.
“Friends”, 1999. Many people remember the always whining hero of Bruce Willis in season 6.
A spoon of tar
You must understand that all civilized options are possible only if you are in a relatively equal relationship with another person, that is, you equally need each other. What if not?.. A girl is in love with a guy, but he is indifferent to her. A teenager is financially dependent on his parents, but they, of course, are not dependent on him. The employee hates the boss, but cannot quit his job.
In the film “500 Days of Summer” (2009), the hero is in love, but the heroine does not believe in love. And there's nothing you can do about it.
“This is such an offensive truth of life,” admits Polina. – If you don’t have leverage over another person, then you won’t be able to set boundaries and redistribute the territory. Why on earth would someone put up with your presence in their life on conditions that are uncomfortable for them, if they don’t really need you even without conditions?”
But not everything is so hopeless. Sometimes we don't realize how valuable and awesome we are. Therefore, we are afraid to demand from the authorities not to wipe their feet on us. Or ask your friend to stop praising us in the style of “given your mediocre data, it didn’t even turn out terrible.”
“If it’s really impossible to avoid communicating with an unpleasant person, you just have to endure it,” admits Polina. – Imagine yourself in a glass dome and repeat: “This is not about me, I am a Teflon frying pan for negativity.”
Because in such cases you have a goal that is more important than obstacles. So grit your teeth and move forward.
What if you fight back?
“American Psycho”, 2000: if you are going to fight back, the main thing is not to follow the example of Patrick Bay.
Expert:
Polina Tour
Clinical psychologist, cognitive therapist, PhD
He runs an educational blog @learnpsy “for those who want to understand themselves and others, are ready to develop and know how to think.” 48 thousand people have subscribed to it.
How do you communicate with unbearable people?
Learn how to disarm your opponent
Is someone teasing you and focusing on your shortcomings? Provide balance - apply pressure. Don't react to someone studying you and looking for weaknesses. This will give them superiority. Instead, flip the script on the situation and focus on them.
Create neutralization by asking constructive and detailed questions that can keep the toxic person off balance. Are they trying to ruin your work? Let them criticize to the point. Ask about the specifics and clarity of their position. Are they being bullied for no reason? Point this out to them. Let them treat you politely - and you will answer them in kind!
Your happiness is in your own hands
Never let a toxic employee limit your joy or sources of pride. Don't let inappropriate comments or concerns stress you out. Nothing should overshadow your work and reduce productivity.
Recognize your accomplishments yourself—and focus only on constructive criticism. Take a moment to think about yourself - perhaps you see this flaw in yourself and are projecting it onto your opponent. This will help you understand what specifically you don't like. And remember: you are in complete control of yourself and your mental state. Stop comparing yourself to others and always remember that your self-worth must come from within.
Found a violation? Report content
Get rid of emotions with art therapy
Art therapy is a direction in psychotherapy based on creativity. Includes the following types of art:
- choreography;
- modeling;
- vocals;
- playing musical instruments;
- knitting or embroidery, etc.
You need to choose the type of art that most impresses and pleases the patient. The main goal of art therapy is to learn self-knowledge through art. The method of sublimation is used - the transfer of internal conflicts to the creative product.
Draw your experiences on a piece of paper if isotherapy is used as a basis. Choose different shades of colors. You can even draw elementary shapes, strokes, lines. Draw a picture of your colleague, his habits, actions, and other things that cause severe irritation.
After this, do whatever you want with the drawing: burn it, crumple it, tear it, smear it with other paint, trample your feet, etc. It is important that subsequently all the negativity goes away and is replaced by peace and peace of mind.
You don’t have to spoil your creation, but place it in a visible place. Look at the drawing from different angles and in different moods. This will help you understand all the problematic aspects.
Art therapy helps relieve fatigue and tension, increase self-esteem, understand one’s own thoughts and fears, harmonize one’s inner world, and normalize relationships in society. The main thing is don’t be shy to draw, even if you don’t have similar skills and talents. In art therapy, the creative process itself is important.
Art therapy with musical instruments will relieve stress
