- November 28, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Angelica Braldi
How to stop hating a person who has hurt, betrayed, humiliated, offended? Do you need to fight this feeling? Many people ask similar questions, but not everyone actually feels hatred. As a rule, people use this word to describe many other negative emotions that overwhelm their consciousness.
To dislike someone, to feel hostility, to be angry, to be angry is not the same as to experience hatred. Accordingly, you need to understand your emotions and only after that think about how to stop hating a person. Psychology gives a clear and unambiguous definition of hatred. This is where you should start fighting this feeling.
Causes
Any effect has its causes. To understand why a person annoys you, you need to understand how hostility arises.
The following situations are possible:
- The cause of personal hostility is most often some unpleasant memory. For example, as a child, you were severely scolded by a person who had long hair. Now all men with shoulder length hair strike a nasty chord in your heart. But not all people can understand that distant memory and reality have common ground. Determine the type of person who pisses you off and think about whether he is the shadow of some important figure in your life?
- Different views of the world. The person who annoys you may have a point of view opposite to yours. Moreover, your opinions may not agree on many issues. A person with whom you cannot find a common language will annoy you.
- A person not from your social class will cause hostility. All people grow up in different conditions. Therefore, you should not be surprised that you and your friends may have different views on the same things. But in most cases, people who grew up in the same social group will have similar views on life, but people who are lower on the social ladder will annoy you because you will think they are stupid.
Types of hatred in misanthropy
The misanthrope hates the world around him, so he dreams of moving away from it. He deeply despises the imperfections of this world.
Scientists, to some extent, equate misanthropes with marginalized or declassed individuals. A marginal is a person who is on the border of different social groups and does not belong to any one.
The misanthrope is interesting because he can experience different types of hatred separately or simultaneously.
Hatred of people
Hatred towards a person or towards humanity as a whole is a common occurrence for a misanthrope. Although, some individuals still maintain good or friendly relationships with certain individuals. This happens because the misanthrope hates those traits that are characteristic of the vast majority of people.
The misanthrope also hates people because of the traumatic factors and events that they may have caused him.
Example: a person does not want to build connections with anyone, not because people have offended or betrayed him (at the moment), but only because they are people.
Hate everything
In some sources, hatred of everything around us is called misomania. The phenomenon has been practically unstudied, as it is rare. It is considered the most critical form of manifestation of misanthropy.
Example: a person hates life, people around him and events in all forms.
Self-hatred
Misanthropy often involves hating oneself as a member of the human species.
A person deliberately isolates himself from society. This is not due to the fact that he is too proud or has too high an opinion of himself. He just devalued himself as a person so much that he doesn’t even try to build social connections anymore.
A person lacks such concepts as self-love, adequate self-esteem, and positive ideas about himself. He destroys himself and cannot break out of this vicious circle.
Example: something bad happened to a person, for which he feels guilty. He is disgusted with himself and believes that society treats him the same way. For himself, he decided to no longer enter into social contacts.
Manifestation
How does personal hostility manifest itself? A person who annoys you will evoke a lot of emotions in your soul. Your nerves will become more and more tense with every word he says, and when you can’t stand it any longer, you will unleash a stream of unflattering abuse on him. Most often, this is how people express their dissatisfaction and hostility. All this will be accompanied by a furious scream and active gesticulation. Such a manifestation of feelings is typical for unrestrained people. More adequate people will not demonstrate their incontinence to others. They will do things differently. Well-mannered individuals will talk to their opponents politely and condescendingly, like a child. Sometimes this manner is even more annoying than shouting. After all, it’s a shame when an adult considers his interlocutor a stupid and inadequate child to whom everything needs to be explained twice.
What it is
It often happens to experience, for no apparent reason, a feeling of uncontrollable irritation or hostility, generated either by an object, or by another person, or a group of people. Such a feeling is called antipathy and is expressed by a persistent negative emotional feeling of dislike, rejection, and ill will.
Thus, antipathy is, in simple words, a person’s response, which is revealed in the removal of an object that provokes a feeling of hostility. Most often manifests itself in interpersonal interaction. As a rule, the described negative feeling is not based on a logical basis, but arises intuitively.
Psychology interprets antipathy as a personality trait to feel disapproval, rejection, rejection, or dislike towards an animate or inanimate object. A person evaluates the environment in accordance with his individual perception of reality, his own interpretation of good and evil, upbringing, and adopted worldview. The analyzed sensation can be considered the result of partiality and partiality.
So, psychologists explain what antipathy towards a person is like this: this concept implies hostility, rejection of another subject, his characteristics of behavioral patterns, principles, life guidelines. Sometimes interaction with an individual who causes rejection can generate hatred.
Manifestations of persistent condemnation, hostility towards the environment or phenomena often cannot be controlled. Antipathy often arises suddenly and supposedly for no reason. However, the basis for such a feeling always exists, but is often not recognized by the person. Negative emotional reactions can be provoked by the interlocutor's gestures, body movements, behavioral patterns, sound of voice, smell, smile, hair color, laughter.
Sometimes one person deliberately rejects another because the behavioral pattern of the rejected subject does not correspond to the moral ideas of the first. Insincerity, duplicity, baseness, deceit, meanness, and falsehood of the subject give rise to a conscious antipathetic perception of the environment. Here we can talk about the conscious nature of antipathy.
Negative perceptions of other people arise due to the discrepancy between personal ideas and reality. The feeling of antipathy appears unconsciously. A person takes unpleasant objects as the foundation of personal sorrows. It is in them that he sees the source of his own problems and troubles.
Consequences
A person has to answer for every action he takes. And for incontinence too. But the manifestation of hostility is the result of incontinence. How is a person responsible for his actions? He spoils the relationship with the person who is unpleasant to him. And, it would seem, what’s wrong with that? But in reality it turns out that you are ruining relationships not with one person, but with an entire group. Every personality, even one that is unpleasant to you, will have supporters who, after a stormy scandal between you and the intolerable person, will turn their backs on you. Whether you like it or not, sometimes you have to maintain social connections even with people you don’t like.
Another consequence of your disregard for certain individuals may be your reputation. Someone will consider you an arrogant person with whom you should not have anything to do.
How is disgust expressed?
Mimically, the most easily recognizable and obvious signs of disgust are the wrinkling of the nose and the associated raising of the upper lip.
There are also standard vocal expressions of disgust - usually the interjection "ugh", sounds of choking and vomiting. Physical sensations of disgust include cramping in the mouth, throat and/or stomach, as well as nausea.
Why do we vomit when someone else does?
Perhaps it's the "mirror neurons" that allow us to empathize with other people and their actions: in one study, functional MRI scans of participants showed that brain activity was the same regardless of whether subjects faked emotions or observed real ones. The simulation and observation areas of the brain are so connected that we may want to cry if we see someone crying. Or we may vomit if we see someone vomiting.
Finally, disgust often leads to turning the head or even the entire body away from the source of the unpleasant sensation. When disgust leads to nausea, reactions also include covering the nose and/or mouth and slouching.
Don't beat yourself up
Personal hostility arises not from the person himself, but from your attitude towards him. To eliminate the oppressive feeling that arises in your soul, try to treat everyone with an open mind. Don't believe the rumors that the world is full of. They can be disbanded by ill-wishers. Don't make any judgment about a person until you've talked to them in person. Only when you manage to form your own opinion can you condemn a person or praise him. But it’s better not to do even this until you get to know the person better. After all, everyone can be in a bad mood or have troubles in their personal life. A person may simply have a headache. You shouldn't say that a person is too gloomy if you have no idea how things are going with him now. Don’t stress yourself out and don’t think that the world revolves around you, then life will be easier.
How to communicate and interact with a hated person?
The most difficult thing in the fight against hatred is the need to cope with the feeling in conditions of forced interaction with its object.
What to do in such a situation? Psychologists advise the following:
- limit communication with the hated person as much as possible;
- control your feelings, in case of an “acute attack”, apologize and leave the room, leave an event or meeting;
- ignore all attacks directed at you, no matter how difficult it may be, do not give a reason for them;
- do not incite or pick on the object of your hostility, do not provoke conflicts;
- set boundaries of interaction and never violate them.
If the person towards whom you feel acute hostility has not earned it in any specific way, then you can quite easily try to get rid of your own hatred by starting to communicate closely with him. In what situations is this appropriate? When there is hatred that does not have clear and objective reasons, for example, in the presence of racial prejudice, rejection of a culture or way of life that differs from one’s own. However, before you try to get to know a person better, you need to understand whether you can control your own hatred.
Always give people a second chance
As stated above, it takes some time to get to know a person. Therefore, you should not think that he is bad if he let you down or offended you. Before judging someone, always find out the reason for the person’s behavior. Perhaps she had reasons to help someone other than you.
Do you hear the phrase “I have a personal dislike”? Think about how often the person uttering these words forgives people. Only a person who does not forgive his friends and who tends to accumulate grievances will not give people a second chance. Compassionate individuals treat everyone equally and, accordingly, do not experience hostility at all. Of course, you shouldn’t forgive everyone, but you should learn to trust people.
Who is a misanthrope
Misanthropy is a state of personality when an extreme form of individualism and conscious opposition of oneself to society is manifested. Sometimes misanthropy turns into a phobia, fear of people (anthrophobia).
A misanthrope is a person who tends to avoid people and suffer from mistrust, suspicion, and pessimism. In simple words, it is disgust towards humanity as a whole, alienation.
How did the term come about?
The term misanthrope originated in Ancient Greece. It is based on two Greek words, "misos" - hatred and "anthropos" - man. The literal translation is “misanthropy.”
The concept of misanthropy comes from prominent scientists and philosophers. In order to fully immerse themselves in science, they were forced to seriously limit social contacts.
Scientists walked around, immersed in their thoughts, often answered inappropriately, and often refused invitations and friendly meetings. Ordinary people did not understand the true reasons for this behavior, so they classified them as misanthropes and thought that they hated people.
Misanthropy - is it a disease or a norm?
Mental illnesses and character traits can sometimes be very difficult to distinguish between. It is not clear whether the matter is the person’s bad character, or whether he simply cannot behave differently. The misanthrope acquires a quality, becomes such because of the course of life and his own environment.
There are frequent cases of serious psychological trauma, difficult events, moral or physical violence.
Misanthropy is not a norm, but a mental deviation. There are clinics and specialists who help patients with this diagnosis. However, some doctors still do not recognize misanthropy as an official medical term.
Misanthropy, congenital or acquired
Most scientists agree that misanthropy or misanthropy is an exclusively acquired quality that is formed under the pressure of life circumstances and the environment.
People prone to increased honesty, mercy, and compassion often turn into misanthropes. The reason is disappointment in people, betrayal.
Find out more about the person
The boss’s personal hostility is formed due to a lack of information. If you know more about your subordinates, you will be able to relate to their situation. Many bosses are accustomed to making biased judgments. For example, a person is late for work, which means he is a bad employee. But he can raise a young child alone and not be able to arrive on time for the reason that he takes the child to kindergarten.
Never blame people if you can't look at the whole situation. No grades should be given. You have your own life, so live it. No need to mind your own business. Except for those cases that relate directly to you and work with you. Recalling the above example, we can say that the boss should not know how his employees spend their leisure time, but they need to know about the marital status and the general state of affairs of their subordinates. The same goes for friends, colleagues and family.
Famous misanthropes
Among people with such psychological characteristics there are many famous personalities, including philosophers, scientists, writers and artists. For example, Schopenhauer never hid his hatred of the world and everyone around him.
Nietzsche publicly ridiculed conventional cultural, religious and moral values, but he is still considered one of the greatest philosophers in world history.
Unsociability and desire for solitude helped Tchaikovsky focus on developing his talent and create musical works that will always be popular.
Destructive tyrants are also known. Hatred of humanity gave Hitler the dream of creating a superior race of people. Joseph Stalin is one of the famous misanthropes.
This personality type is often used in literature. For example, Sherlock Holmes can be called a misanthrope. The main character of the popular TV series House M.D. also does not hide his disdain for people. And yet these heroes became favorites of readers and viewers. Misanthropy can be attractive and provide a person with a number of advantages.
Change the wording
Does your boss dislike you? Personal hostility towards a subordinate may arise as a result of envy. It would seem that the very idea that a boss is jealous of his ward is quite strange. But this happens quite often. Are you unable to cope with envy, which over time develops into hostility? Think about what good things you can say about your employee. He has a wonderful family, a loving wife and excellent children. Yes, a person may seem boring to you, but he is a decent family man and you can respect him for that. Now your subordinate is not just a boring guy, but a good and responsible employee. By paraphrasing your opinion about a person, you will find it easier to find a common language with him. Everyone should get into the habit of learning to find something good in people, and only then - bad.
Development of disgust
Children and adolescents (sometimes some adults) often experience a kind of fascination with disgust, that is, they find some disgusting things intriguing - this is a reflection of the functions of forming a picture of the world and its knowledge. In young children, disgust begins to develop around the ages of four to eight years: before this stage of emotional development, children experience only aversion to a bad taste or smell, but not disgust.
Additional research has also shown that children are not bothered by some things that adults might find disgusting (such as a chocolate bar shaped like poop). One theory that explains why this happens when we're younger is that we don't yet have the cognitive abilities needed for certain forms of learned disgust.
Understand that not everyone thinks like you.
Many conflicts occur due to personal hostility. What's the big deal? The fact is that people cannot come to a common opinion. Each person views the situation from his own point of view and does not want to understand that his opponent cannot look at the world from someone else’s point of view. Always consider the fact that everyone thinks differently. To establish a relationship with a person, you need to descend to his level of development. If a simple worker is sitting in front of you, then there is no need to convey information to him in pompous words. It is unlikely that the essence of what was said will reach the person. Don't try to demonstrate your intelligence in this way. Explain the information to the person clearly. In this case, you will see understanding in the eyes of your opponent and will not consider him narrow-minded. If you are talking to someone who is smarter than you, try to use your strength and imagination to understand everything that is being said to you. You don’t need to think that they are boasting of knowledge in front of you. It’s just that you and the person speak different languages. Before you label someone and say that they annoy you, think about whether you are in the same social environment and think the same way.
How to cope with this feeling towards a specific person?
How can you stop hating a person whose very appearance makes you want to do him harm? It is especially difficult to cope with yourself in situations where you have to deal with an object of hostility and disgust every day.
Typically, in such circumstances, the following are of paramount importance:
- the ability to cope with your feelings, not show them and reduce the intensity of emotions;
- interaction with the object of hatred;
- conflict resolution.
The ability to cope with your feelings is not at all getting rid of them. This should be understood and the fight against hatred should not stop at acquiring the skill of hiding and suppressing it. A destructive emotion, artificially driven into the farthest corner of consciousness, will not disappear anywhere. It will constantly “undermine” a person, just like water stones, and will influence all his decisions and actions, even if he himself does not realize it.
For example, a woman who hates her ex-husband or boyfriend will intuitively avoid places where she might encounter him, or, conversely, only visit them. At the same time, her choice of stores, entertainment venues or events is influenced only by hatred, and not by rational arguments. That is, destructive emotion limits possibilities.
Accordingly, hatred must be completely eliminated. But you definitely need to start this difficult process by gaining control over your feelings.
Everyone has their flaws
Personal hostility towards the victim, and indeed towards any other person you meet at work, can sometimes be very difficult to hide. It is especially difficult to restrain your emotions when you know in advance that in front of you is a bad person. For example, this is a person who brought trouble upon himself. How to understand such people? Accept that everyone has their flaws. You have the power to evaluate people, but there is not a single ideal person in the world. Everyone has been guilty of something, everyone has their own sins and shortcomings. By understanding this, you will be able to reduce the personal hostility that arises in you every time you look at some person or some type of people.
Growing desire
Limiting primary desires merely redirected these drives, but did not make them disappear. Sublimated into socially useful activities, these desires contributed to the evolutionary development of the human psyche.
Once out of balance, a desire does not stop growing: even when sublimated, it continues to grow and each time demand even more fulfillment. At the same time, a person does not always have enough strength and living conditions to learn to sublimate his desires. But internal and external restrictions do not allow them to be implemented directly. As a result, there is an accumulation of unfulfilled desires, which begin to weigh heavily. Freud called this state frustration. A person experiences dissatisfaction, which is not realized, but ultimately results in aggression towards other people, and in some cases - towards the whole world.
The danger that threatens the preservation of the human species, as Jung said, comes primarily from man himself:
Emotions are not the best friend
Personal hostility of a boss to a subordinate or a subordinate to a boss is usually accompanied by the appearance of emotions. You should learn to restrain yourself and not give vent to your aggression. Nothing good will happen if you actively show someone your bad attitude. Start the conversation with a smile. Yes, she will be on duty, but this will help smooth out the rough edges of the relationship. Do you want to treat all people with restraint? Then stop using emotions during the dialogue. This means that you do not need to give an emotional assessment of what is happening. You will give it after you talk. In this case, you will not have a chance to lose your temper, and you will calmly talk with anyone, even the most unpleasant type.
A secondary constraint on hostility is culture.
When, in the process of evolution, direct cannibalism was abolished (the unconscious once again reduced the increased collective desires for sex and murder, already weakly restrained by primary prohibitions), a secondary restriction arose associated with the abolition of the sacrifice of a weak member of the pack. This ensured his survival and development, and gave humanity a culture, thanks to which not only great works of art subsequently appeared, but also humanism, which proclaimed human (hereinafter - any) life as the highest value.
Culture offered an alternative to animal venting of hatred through sacrifice. She ensured the removal of hostility in society through empathy and compassion. We began to be guided by the concept of “morality”. Thanks to the feeling of a neighbor, an educated person has learned to respond emotionally to the experiences of other people. Secondary ones appeared - cultural prohibitions on human hostility. It is difficult to overestimate in this sense the importance of Christianity - the locomotive of culture, which for two thousand years has been restraining our innate animal hatred through the cultivation of love for one's neighbor.
But at this stage of development, culture has practically exhausted its capabilities. The process of growth of our desires, once out of balance, does not stop for a second. Nowadays, their volume is so great that cultural prohibitions are no longer able to contain them. Increased desires require more fulfillment, which they do not receive. At the same time, the depth of our frustrations, the volume and strength of accumulated hatred also increases. Today we will not only be irritated in response to rudeness, the degree of our hostility can jump to fierce hatred. And it’s not far from direct destruction.
Modern humanity has not yet learned to adequately realize increased desires, and by acting directly, animal manifestations are capable of sweeping away all the accumulated primary and cultural restrictions: cannibal people are capable of eating each other both figuratively and literally.
Mirroring
Have you ever thought about what a leader's personal hostility is? But this is nothing more than a reflection of the working staff’s own shortcomings. Think about what irritates you most about your friends. Disorganization, isolation, lack of initiative? Do you have all these advantages? Most likely no. So why is it annoying in others that you can forgive yourself? The fact that a person cannot forgive himself for some mistakes causes irritation. But since a person cannot allow himself to condemn himself, he condemns those around him. Therefore, always be attentive to personal hostility and try to understand its nature. You are rarely annoyed by people who are not like you. Much more often you will meet people who will remind you of your personal shortcomings. If you notice a tendency to find fault with others, start working on yourself. By eliminating shortcomings in yourself, you will stop finding fault with other people.
How to cope with surging emotions?
It's very difficult to stop hating. How to cope with attacks of anger during which you literally take your breath away? After all, it is not always possible to simply let off steam or throw out your feelings directly on the object of hatred.
The following will help reduce the intensity of negative experiences and curb them:
- distraction from thoughts, switching attention;
- creativity, because hatred can be expressed in drawing, in music;
- sports: running or boxing, a person splashes out his anger;
- deep breathing, counting to yourself to 10 and exhaling forcefully during a sudden attack of anger;
- writing stories or keeping a diary, which describes in detail the sensations experienced and their reasons;
- frank conversation with a loved one;
- seeking help when possible.
It is difficult to predict what exactly will help curb hatred. This is largely determined by who exactly the person experiences strong negativity towards. If the object of hostility is a work colleague, then it makes sense to seek help from your superiors and achieve a division in the schedule or a transfer to another room.
But what about those who hate their own family members? The best options in such a situation would be sports, painting or music. If we are talking about hatred between brothers or sisters, then if you have a normal relationship with your parents, you can turn to them for help.
You need to understand that taking control of your negative emotions is an extremely difficult task. There are no universal ways to stop hating. What helped one person will be useless to another. Sometimes it is possible to cope with negative feelings only with help from a psychologist.
Signs of misanthropy
A misanthrope is recognized by the following characteristics:
- Avoidance of society.
- Distrust and contempt for people.
- Arrogance.
- Careful selection of friends.
- Desire to stay away from others.
However, in order to more accurately understand how to distinguish a misanthrope from other people, let's take a closer look at some of the signs of misanthropy.
Human vices irritate me
Hatred for people fills the heart of a misanthrope. He negatively perceives those around him, as if they have no virtues, and only have vices that irritate him catastrophically. Moreover, a misanthrope can be irritated by those qualities of a person that are present in him. For him this does not play a significant role.
The main characteristic of a misanthrope is irritation with almost all features of human behavior.
Dislike for people's weaknesses
A pronounced dislike for the weaknesses of others leads the misanthrope to gradual alienation from society and loneliness. The misanthrope imagines himself to be a strong and strong-willed person, as well as distinguished by a special individuality. Therefore, he can treat the manifestation of weaknesses by people with a special degree of cynicism.
Limiting communication
Limitation in communication leads a person to a gradual loss of social connections, when selfish needs become paramount. The misanthrope sees no purpose in communicating with the “gray masses.” He considers himself better than others.
Need for protected space
The need for a protected space arises due to a person’s inability to create meaningful relationships. A misanthrope isolates himself from everything that can cause mental pain and disappointment.
The listed signs will help you identify a misanthrope in yourself and in your environment.
How to get rid of misanthropy?
How to get rid of misanthropy, and is treatment possible? Theoretically, this character trait can be corrected and negative emotions can be overcome. To defeat the misanthrope in yourself, you need to cultivate its opposite - a philanthropist. Philanthropy is love for people, with all their shortcomings and imperfections.
✔️ Creation of social points of assistance to those in need.
✔️ Landscaping of the territory, organization of children's playgrounds.
✔️ Pedagogical activities.
✔️ Invention of devices that make life easier.
Philanthropists are not always ready to give their last shirt to a beggar or bring a homeless person into their home. This concept has a broader scope. It is rather taking measures to improve the life of society as a whole, holding actions and organizing events. You can be a philanthropist and still not let anyone into your private life. The desire to solve a problem, and not to isolate oneself from it, is what distinguishes a misanthrope from a philanthropist.
Getting too involved in philanthropy can have the opposite effect. Tired of the problems of society, a sensitive person runs the risk of hating people and becoming emotionally callous. Misanthropy is not a mental illness or a deviation from the norm. This is just a model of behavior of a mentally healthy person, for whom this method of protection is more effective than others. Even despising society, the misanthrope remains attached to it in his hatred, drawing emotional nourishment from news and reviews of incidents.
