Victim syndrome interferes with living, working and communicating fully, but people are in no hurry to get rid of it. Because going with the flow and complaining about adversity is easier than steering your life. “No matter what trouble befalls him, a person with a victim mentality rushes to “appoint” the guilty and does not think at all about what his contribution to the situation is. Instead of learning from mistakes and making things better where possible, he wallows in self-pity. It’s common for him to feel like a pitiful sliver in a stormy sea,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva, explaining the worldview of the “eternal victim.” We asked a specialist what signs indicate victim syndrome, why it is better to say goodbye to it, and what will have to be done for this.
Escape from responsibility
Victim syndrome is not a disease or a personality disorder, sometimes it is a role
, sometimes it is
a psychological defense
that works in traumatic and critical situations (Stockholm syndrome). But most often the role. At first glance, it is unenviable, but if you dig deeper, you will find that the “actors” performing it have many benefits.
The role of victim appeals to many because being an “adult” and taking responsibility for your life is not easy. " Responsibility for your life
is to adequately assess your capabilities and limitations, navigate reality, not give up when you fail, and actively take care of your mental and physical well-being and comfort,”
lists Nadezhda Georgieva.
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Consequences
Loneliness is a possible consequence of a victim complex
A person who considers himself a victim turns his own life into a living hell on Earth. The consequences of this condition, which cannot be corrected, are the following manifestations in humans:
- loss of joy in life, constantly overwhelmed by disappointment;
- cannot communicate normally with other people, always waiting to be thanked;
- tries to become better than he is, is under great stress, and may develop severe stress;
- completely oppresses himself as a person when he plays the role of a submissive victim;
- remains alone because the people around him do not want to hear his eternal groans;
- an unhappy personal life, the victim can take either a passive position (situations where a female representative gives herself completely to her husband and children) or an active one (men who constantly feel sorry for themselves);
- unemployment - colleges do not tolerate such behavior, they can declare a boycott or force a person out of work. The victim has to change his place of work. However, everything repeats itself in the new team. Over time, it all ends with the person being left without work.
Small fry with ambition
Trying to convince himself that nothing in this world depends on him, a person with victim syndrome enthusiastically criticizes and blames loved ones, colleagues, bosses, and the government for his troubles and misfortunes
.
Anyone, but not yourself. (No one can cancel objective circumstances, but that’s different.) “The wife of an alcoholic can nag her husband for years for ruining his life instead of figuring out why, firstly, she agreed to marry an alcoholic, and secondly, why she still not divorced or separated.
An employee who vegetates in a low position criticizes his boss behind his back instead of talking directly about the possibility of promotion and salary increases,” the psychologist gives examples.
Another symptom of the syndrome is a persistent reluctance to notice, adequately evaluate, and especially appreciate positive qualities
their "oppressors".
“Let’s say a man earns modestly, but helps with household chores and devotes a lot of time to the children.
A woman with victim syndrome will constantly criticize her husband for being a “poor” because he does not provide high income. The thought that he invests in the family as much as he can and deserves gratitude does not even cross her mind,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
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A person with victim syndrome and an infantile personality does not separate other people's emotions
from his own
.
As a result, if those around him are out of sorts, he is sure that it is solely because of him. “If the husband comes in in the evening in a bad mood, a woman with weak emotional differentiation immediately decides that the reason is her (“It’s because I look bad and I didn’t like my dinner”).
But in reality, he has troubles at work or a part has broken in his car, for which he will have to pay half his salary,” explains the expert.
A mature reaction to the described situation is not to touch the nervous husband, but to note that you see his condition and are ready to listen. If he deems it necessary, he will tell what happened to him; if he doesn’t, he has the right. “Only those who deep down feel themselves to be the navel of the earth (egocents) can consider themselves the main cause of other people’s grief.
There are quite a few people with victim syndrome, and this is surprising only at first glance,” emphasizes Nadezhda Georgieva.
Advice for loved ones
Typically, a person suffering from a victim complex is little concerned about his condition. In this case, friends and family should help correct the patient’s behavior. The following recommendations will tell you how to do this:
- We must stop being an ordinary listener to complaints and tearful stories. It is better to stop the interlocutor and ask him questions that will lead to conclusions and reflections.
- A person must be constantly motivated and pushed to make decisions.
- A situation should be created that provokes the victim to action.
Important! We must be prepared for the fact that the victim may stop communicating with someone who no longer shows sympathy for her, and will find someone who will continue to feel sorry for her.
Experts advise men to look for partners who could balance out their shortcomings. A woman should not point out her husband’s minor failures, otherwise the problem can be made even worse. It is important to praise your chosen one more often, believe in his success and encourage him. Such motivation is perceived positively by the stronger sex. A man will start trying until he reaches his goal.
Representatives of the fair sex often delve into everyday life, envy beautiful and successful friends, stop taking care of themselves and worry about missed opportunities. In order to rid your partner of the victim complex, you need to periodically give her the opportunity to go out, invite her on dates and pay compliments more often. It is worth taking on some of the household responsibilities so that the woman can take care of herself.
Surrendering to fear
fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.
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Protecting your inferior, but still comfort
“The position of the victim also attracts “lazy people” - those who simply
do not want to strain and look for ways to solve their problems, or spend time and energy on personal and professional growth,”
continues the psychologist.
For example, why learn new things at work, study new books on your specialty, or take advanced training courses? It’s much easier, when returning from work, to plop down on the sofa and feel sorry for yourself with enthusiasm: “Oh, I’ll remain the last spoke in the chariot. This is all because I am neither godfather nor matchmaker to the boss.”
“A psychologically mature person increases his value to employers. At the same time, he does not allow himself to be offended. So, under no circumstances will they perform additional work for free, only under certain conditions and agreements. And a person with victim syndrome will doomedly agree, because he is sure: he has no way out,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.
Signs
People who have adopted the position of victim experience almost identical problems and adversities in life. The explanation for this lies in psycho-emotional instability, which always leads to the same results. Problems with social adaptation, stagnation in professional development, undeveloped personal life, etc.
These and other troubles can arise from a victim complex, the obvious signs of which are the following:
- it’s like you’ve lost control of your own life;
- you don’t feel independent (you are forced to make important decisions with someone’s support or approval);
- you often experience a feeling of anxiety, engage in self-deprecation (have low self-esteem, constantly doubt yourself);
- You often feel guilty even in front of strangers (you bite yourself for what you did or, conversely, refused to do).
Raising the Perfect Victim
Victim syndrome is common to many people, but not everyone is aware of it. The fact is that the victim’s worldview is often formed from childhood. “The family is our social basis.
A child who grows up in a deficit of love, whose parents are constantly dissatisfied with him and focus on his failures, develops the self-esteem of a weak person .
The same thing happens when a child is surrounded by overprotection
and adults decide everything for him.
A little person can conclude: “No matter how much effort I make to achieve a goal, I will not achieve results.” With the philosophy of learned helplessness,
he enters adulthood and continues to act according to the learned pattern,”
explains the psychologist. And he adds: “Another option is also possible - overcompensation, when a person makes himself strong in spite of everything.”
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Those whom their parents sincerely loved, allowed to make mistakes, and in whom they developed independence, are reliably protected from the victim syndrome. Such people have responsibility
(“My bonus was cut not because my boss didn’t like me, but because I messed up at work”) and a
realistic view of himself and the world
(“My boyfriend is addicted to weed, I can’t get rid of his addiction, but it means it’s wiser to end the relationship”).
Saying goodbye to being a victim
“The life of someone who has given up the role of victim becomes truly fulfilling.
A person begins to breathe deeply when he discovers that a lot depends on him and a lot does not depend on him. For example, he can keep his distance from toxic people and get closer to those who are able to share their warmth, support in difficult times, with whom he can exchange experience and knowledge. But he is not only unable to magically influence events that go beyond the boundaries of his responsibility, the attitude and mood of those around him, but there is no need to,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
Farewell to the role of the victim may drag on for years, but the one who walks will master the road. “Analyze in what situations you behave like a victim, learn new strategies and tactics of behavior,”
- the psychologist directs.
And he concludes: “In a sense, learned helplessness is pessimism instilled in childhood. But for those who have managed to grow up, nothing prevents them from correcting parental mistakes and developing responsibility and a realistic view of reality.”
Alternative Behavior: Free and Strong Personality
The opposite state of the victim complex is personal freedom.
Freedom means that no one is stopping you from managing your own life according to your choices. To settle for anything less is to choose a form of slavery.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
Don’t buy into the tricks of people who suggest that freedom means selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of choice; you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should it fall on you at the whim of someone or under pressure from society.
“The freest people in the world are those who are at peace with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of other people, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” writes Wayne Dyer in his book.
