Reports of child cruelty are increasingly in the news, with cases of bullying, mass beatings and assaults among teenagers on the rise across the country. Psychologists explain this behavior by dangerous age, family upbringing and erased boundaries of what is permitted.
In Nizhny Tagil on February 3, 10 teenagers, mostly boys, beat a girl from their school. They kicked her and hit her in the face; this was filmed by a resident of one of the neighboring houses. At first, the woman simply filmed the beating on her phone, and then from the window she threatened the teenagers with the police. After the recording spread on social networks, law enforcement officers became interested in this video.
The next day it turned out that the victim was a 13-year-old seventh-grade student at a local school, and her offenders were 12-15-year-old boys from the same educational institution. Moreover, one of the teenagers was already registered with the juvenile affairs department. The injured girl, according to some sources, lives with her grandmother, and her mother has been deprived of parental rights. The schoolgirl did not tell anyone about the fight.
Up to 1 year
Causes of aggression: hunger, intestinal colic, fear, feeling of insecurity, the need for constant confirmation of maternal love.
Ways of expression: crying, screaming.
What to do: feed, pick up, caress, smile, talk. Be with your child more often; even while at home, carry it on your stomach or back in a backpack or move it behind you in a high chair.
What not to do: do not leave a crying child unattended; don't yell at him; do not soothe with a pacifier; do not frighten with loud sounds and sudden movements; do not impose your will on him in the game.
1–1.5 years
Reasons for aggression: dissatisfaction with the imposed restrictions and prohibitions.
Ways of expression: stubbornness, refusal to eat and sleep, waking up at night, crying.
What to do: explain each “no” clearly and restrainedly; be an authoritative but not authoritarian leader; encourage but control children's curiosity and exploration; come to the aid of a crying child with all possible haste.
What not to do: never forcefully shake a child by the shoulders (this can lead to brain hemorrhage); do not submit yourself completely to his will; Don't let him cry for a long time.
How to deal with the offender?
Only if the cruelty does not go beyond the limit and does not become bullying, conversations with a psychologist or any other person authoritative for the child will help. The main thing is that the parents of the “victim” do not start a showdown themselves! Let him ignore the actions of the offender; over time, the interest in bullying will disappear. If there is no reaction from the victim, will it be interesting to do something further (even in a negative sense)? If the “victim” herself provokes the offender, then it is worth telling the latter not to react to these provocations. The offender will remain guilty and punishment may be applied to him. And this can be avoided if the “offender” adheres to the “ignoring tactics” . Say that “you will be wiser, and therefore will be respected, because you avoid unnecessary conflicts . If the conflict is not resolved peacefully, conversations with specialists do not lead to the desired result - write a statement to the director or head teacher against the offender .
Remember that if your child is cruel, reconsider your behavior (you yourself are rude or too caring). If it began to appear in adolescence, it will go away over time. If it crosses boundaries, contact specialists.
Raising a child and developing his personality is in many ways a reflection of your upbringing. If you want to see your child well-mannered, smart, kind, work on yourself first, then the rest will be much easier.
Thank you for your attention, may your children always make you happy.
1.5–3 years
Causes of aggression: the child’s beginning self-identification; conflict of unsatisfied children's desires and needs with the will and views of the parents.
Ways of expression: screaming, kicking, pinching, biting, scratching, hitting toys.
What to do: do not suppress rage, but let it splash out; call the child to order calmly, kindly and firmly; play more with the child.
What not to do: do not make fun of the child’s rage, do not respond with aggression.
3–6 years
Causes of aggression: irrepressible energy, constant thirst for knowledge of the world and communication; jealousy of mother.
Ways of expression: swear words, crying, whims.
What to do: talk to your child more, but avoid moralizing and lecturing; develop his sense of humor. Starting at age 5, most children learn new, less barbaric ways of communicating.
What not to do: do not succumb to provocation and ignore swear words, do not use foul language in the presence of a child; do not leave him alone for a long time, but resort to the help of other family members or invite a nanny.
If the “victim” provokes cruelty?
There are also cases when a “child-victim” specifically or for the purpose of protection provokes intrigues against him. In this case, the “ignoring tactic” (read more about it in this article ) would be useful, but the victim thinks differently. He tries to defend himself by saying offensive words in response, pushing, etc. But these actions only provoke “cruelty” towards oneself and “get it.” I’ll write below what to do in such cases.
Once again I ask parents (precisely parents, since the teacher is very busy and does not always see problems among children) to talk with their children, to be sincerely interested in their problems, and not to ask “how are things at school?” (he will say that it is normal).
7–12 years
Causes of aggression: natural (age-related) aggressiveness.
Ways of expression: squabbles with peers, fussing, fighting.
What to do: direct the child’s energy to outdoor games, classes in sections and clubs; teach him to put emotions into verbal form; focus on social values; dose your time watching TV programs and computer games.
What not to do: do not shame a child if he failed to win in a fight; do not allow him to watch television programs with scenes of excessive cruelty and violence; do not encourage passion for too “bloody” video games.
Why are children cruel?
Many people believe that children are born almost angels. The greater our surprise when we see cruelty in children. Priests Dimitry Smirnov, Valery Dukhanin and Sergiy Beloborodov, as well as mother of many children Natalya Yaltanskaya and Orthodox psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova discuss where childhood cruelty comes from and how to fight it.
“When the environment is aggressive, the child’s psyche breaks down”
Priest Valery Dukhanin
Priest Valery Dukhanin , candidate of theology, vice-rector of the Nikolo-Ugreshsky Theological Seminary:
– If we take our everyday life, we will have to admit that cruelty comes from cruelty. I know an example of how one boy in a family, constantly oppressed by his older brothers, began to treat his classmates cruelly at school. He just copied the behavior pattern of his elders. And this is in many ways a decisive factor: when the environment is aggressive, the child’s psyche simply breaks down. This is often provoked by parents who speak harshly to each other, in a raised tone, splash out their impatience on their children, and the children become embittered in response.
Therefore, it seems to me personally that childhood cruelty largely stems from a lack of warmth. The child has not received love, has not warmed up and begins to perceive the world around him as hostile. He, like a hedgehog releasing needles, stabs those who are nearby, because he is used to feeling the alienation and coldness of the external environment.
Nowadays children are largely unloved and receive little attention. Women perceive the birth of children not as the main goal in life, not as their main calling. It seems like there should be children, but somewhere in the background. For men who are busy with work all the time, children also become something like living toys. You can play with them a little to distract yourself, but rarely does anyone want to engage in serious education, to the detriment of themselves and their comfort. Because of this, the child does not receive enough attention in the family, he very quickly goes into virtual games that are filled with bloodshed and destruction, he watches cartoons that contain harshness and harshness. What should he do himself?
We must remember that we all inherited a fallen nature
If we look from a deeper, theological perspective, we see the impact of sin on children. We must remember that we all inherited a fallen nature - children are born with it, and therefore already in childhood, when the child is not yet very responsible for his actions, something sinful still manifests itself in his nature: disobedience, self-will, indignation.
The Monk Barsanuphius of Optina has these, in a sense, very harsh lines: “In a dream I once saw hell and hellish torment. I saw a little girl there, about five or seven years old, and I said: “How did you get here?” And I think: “What sins can this little one have when she is still just a baby?” And she looks at me and says: “I’m here for bad thoughts.” I then went to my confessor and asked him: “Is this possible?” He answered: “Yes, half the kids are in hell.”
Personally, I really want this vision given in a dream to be only a warning and not a real fact. But often we see that already at a young age a person begins to sin with hatred, anger, and cruelty. Sin is always aggression. This is the sickness of our nature. But the depravity of the soul is largely provoked by an externally aggressive environment, which does not smooth it out, but aggravates it.
What should adults do when they encounter cruelty among children? If cruelty is expressed brazenly, then this, of course, should be stopped. The child must feel that every evil turns into defeat. But still, the most important thing is not to succumb to cruelty yourself, not to become infected with it and not to start reacting to other people with it. Fire cannot be put out by fire. Actually, the devil has no other goal than to sow mutual hatred in people. We must learn to break this.
I remember how during the war in Chechnya a wounded Chechen teenager came to our soldiers. He was placed in the infirmary, where a kind nurse cared for him. The teenager cursed angrily all the time and said in his hearts that when he grew up, he would kill Russians. The nurse asked: “Are you going to cut me too?” The teenager, who received so much help from her, did not expect such a question, said: “No, I won’t.” And he didn’t swear anymore. That is, often behind external bitterness there is hidden a warm, suffering and loving soul.
In the innermost depths of the soul there is always a longing for unsullied goodness, a pure attitude towards one’s neighbor, for sincere love. And it awakens from someone's love.
A historian I knew was invited to teach at a boarding school for troubled children. Being a naturally kind and polite person, he began to calmly teach the lesson. But the children began to react with ridicule, jokes, laughter and actually disrupted the lesson. After the lesson, the teacher immediately went to the director and said that he was leaving. He did not harbor any malice towards the children, he simply did not want to remain in such an atmosphere. He barely begged him to stay at least a little longer, explaining: “No one wants to work with us.” The next time he came to class, some miracle happened: he saw a bun and hot tea on the table, and the children said: “This is for you. We were afraid that you wouldn’t come.” From that moment on, they had the closest relationship. The children felt how he treated them. Having covered a topic, he showed a historical film in the next lesson and then discussed it with the children. The results of his kind attitude were such that one of his students subsequently went to a theological seminary and became a priest.
Where people sincerely believe in God, children are calmer and there are fewer reasons for child cruelty.
The last thing I want to say is that sin is opposed by grace. I have seen different schools, and no matter how much anyone criticizes Orthodox gymnasiums for imperfection, I can say that the atmosphere in them is still different. Where people sincerely believe in God, pray, repent of their sins and try to live according to God’s commandments, there children are calmer, there are fewer reasons for child cruelty. It is extinguished there, and not provoked. God's grace brings peace of soul, and this is very transferable to others, especially children. So you need to build your relationships with children through building yourself, through acquiring the grace of God.
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“If a child has all the material benefits, but does not have parental love, he is deeply unhappy”
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov , Chairman of the Patriarchal Commission on Family Issues, Protection of Motherhood and Childhood:
– The little baby grows up quickly. If he does not have a father, but only has a mother, then she is forced to work. Therefore, she has to send her child to kindergarten. As a child, I spent a lot of time in kindergarten, even attending a five-day school. I saw my parents only two days a week. Even then, when I was four years old, I promised myself that I would never send my children to kindergarten, because it is difficult to imagine a more unnatural state for a child. Why unnatural? Because in a large family there are no children of the same age (well, one twin, rarely two), and therefore special relationships are built between the older and younger children in such families.
Children, divided into groups of the same age, quickly turn into a wolf pack, where the most ill-mannered, the most vile ones rule. This breaks the psyche of children, they become aggressive and cruel. I, as a person who spent more than one year in kindergarten and children’s camps, know perfectly well how a child feels there. If I dream about something from my childhood, I wake up in a cold sweat. In the camps, you always had to defend yourself as a biological organism. I always went to the pioneer camp with a knife, which I put at the bottom of my suitcase. I didn’t use it, but I still frightened those guys who tried to do something unpleasant to me. Because a situation often developed when eight attacked one.
How are children deprived of parental attention raised? They are left to their own devices. They are raised by the street, and now by various gadgets, which contain a variety of abominations that provoke children to cruelty.
Having only one child gives rise to unhappiness. A person who grew up in a family without a father is deeply unhappy. We spend enormous efforts, including financial ones, to overcome this loss, but still every child suffers extremely from the fact that he does not have a family. The memory that he has a mother, father, or at least a grandmother means a lot. This suffering dries up his mind, his abilities. Some children lose the ability to smile. In order for them to start smiling again, you need to spend years and give all your love and tenderness. Even if a child has all the material benefits, but does not have parental love, he is deeply unhappy. Nothing can replace the love and affection of parents.
Who needs your good relationship after a divorce! A child needs a family, needs a father
Many couples say after a divorce that they still have a great relationship. Who needs your relationship? A child needs a family. He needs a father because he is the main educator, he is the main hunter for the family, he is the main authority.
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“The child senses the relationship between spouses in the womb”
Priest Sergius Beloborodov with his mother
Priest Sergius Beloborodov , cleric of the Church of the Great Martyr and Healer Panteleimon at Central Clinical Hospital No. 1 of Russian Railways:
- Evil, hatred, like kindness, tenderness and love, come from parents. What kind of children will be depends on the parents who, living together, love each other or, conversely, constantly quarrel. The child feels the relationship between spouses in the womb and absorbs it into himself.
It is a mistake to think that a child, sitting on the floor and playing with his toys, does not understand that his parents are fighting. In fact, at these moments the baby understands everything perfectly and absorbs everything negative and everything good, depending on what he hears. It often happens that children repeat after their parents what they were not taught at all. And the parents are surprised. The child heard something once and remembered it for a long time. Therefore, 70–80 percent of the information comes from parents, the rest the child receives from communication in kindergarten, school and on the street.
Physical punishment and curses, especially if it is done with irritation, will not help matters. You need to fight child cruelty by personal example: this includes the relationship between spouses and the way parents communicate with other people.
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“If you don’t fight sin, it grows”
Vasily and Natalya Yaltansky
Natalya Yaltanskaya , mother of 9 children:
– Yes, there is good and evil in the world. Evil fights with good, and the battlefield is the hearts of people. And including children.
In this endless topic I would like to note two points.
It is necessary to distinguish between cruelty and weak childish will, inability to control one’s emotions.
First: a child is not a small adult. Personality has not yet been formed. Lack of life experience significantly affects the motives of behavior. Children often commit actions whose deep meaning is completely different from that of an adult. The child does not know that if you hit a person, it will hurt him. He was never beaten. Or, on the contrary, he was hurt, he lost his temper and fought back, and the offender suffered a concussion. This happens all the time. But this is not cruelty - it is weak will, inability to control one’s temperament and lack of fear of consequences.
Second point. Not so long ago, the younger generation made up for the lack of their own experiences using examples of fiction. Modern children read little, but play a lot of electronic games. But in the electronic world everything is simple. He smeared the hero on the wall - he shook himself off and ran on. He is not in pain and he is not crippled. This is such a negative experience.
A child grows up in a world polluted by sin. If you don’t fight sin, it will grow like baobab trees on the Planet of the Little Prince and will be expressed in actions. This is true for both children and adults. The fact that until the age of seven, a child does not consciously sin, I have no doubt. This is what our Church teaches. But there are, of course, glimpses of both conscious struggle and conscious fall.
We must help those who are suffering: with prayer, with a toy, with a letter, with a visit. We need to read together and discuss good books
How to fight? So fight. Of course, we will not create artificial suffering for our children, in which, as we know, the soul grows. But by God’s permission, so much is happening around us! We need to talk, discuss, experience events with children. We must help those who are suffering: with prayer, with a toy, with a letter, with a visit. We need to read together and discuss good books. We need to push the electronic world out of life. And sometimes limit them, because at a certain age children cannot deny themselves certain things. You need to train your will. Through sports, for example.
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“The modern child early loses the cover of maternal protection and begins to grow “thorns””
Lyudmila Fedorovna Ermakova
Lyudmila Fedorovna Ermakova , Orthodox psychologist:
– If earlier the manifestation of child cruelty was still a rare occurrence, then recently it, unfortunately, has become a new statistical “norm”. Certain factors of modern life contribute to this.
1. Too early separation of the child from the mother and transfer of him to the public education system: nursery, kindergarten - or nanny, among whom there are many conscientious people, but the child needs, first of all, maternal warmth, love and protection. The modern child very early loses the cover of maternal protection and begins to grow “thorns” that not only protect him, but also help him “get his way.” Nobody teaches him to compromise; aggressive behavior is more successful for him.
2. The ability to compromise, flexibility, and compliance can also be learned only in the family, especially from the mother. However, today's mothers, confused by the mythology of the “equality” of men and women, completely forget about functional differences. In our development, we have been going in the opposite direction for a long time and have already come very close to Oparin’s “primary soup” - not in the biological, but in the social sense - in which men, women, adults, children are present, but have little connection with each other and are poorly specialized .
3. Children live in an extremely aggressive environment. More than 80% of families get divorced - this is accompanied by severe conflicts and scandals. Radio, television, the Internet, newspapers, magazines are filled with crime stories. Parents are weakly trying to protect their children from this.
4. Parents are inattentive to the first manifestations of aggressiveness in young children and thereby reinforce it.
5. Believers are increasingly asking the question: “Can original sin cause child cruelty?” Archimandrite Raphael (Karelin) in the article “Execution of the unborn” writes: “It has been proven that children inherit not only physical properties, but also certain mental qualities of their parents. The emotional life of parents is reflected in heredity and passes on, in the form of predispositions, to their children. Parents who decide to kill their child have already introduced into their genetic pool a predisposition to murder, which will burden the psyche of future children, and sometimes the mental property is transmitted not directly, but through generations. Therefore, parents who decided to kill their child committed a crime not only against him, but also against the children whom they left alive. Parents who have passed on to their children the potential for cruelty and a subconscious desire to kill often become victims of their children’s cruelty themselves and wonder: where do they think such injustice comes from?” And since the killing of babies does not stop in our country, child cruelty is also increasing.
Since the killing of babies does not stop in our country, child cruelty is also increasing
How can parents and teachers deal with child cruelty? First of all, it is necessary to return the woman to the family to her rightful place as a beloved wife, caring mother, and keeper of the family hearth. The best career for a woman is healthy children and a strong family. Only in a harmonious family can one raise good children. But it is difficult, it is much easier and more interesting, as it seems, to devote oneself to work, “self-realization.” However, “you can’t sit on two chairs” – there will always be a choice. And the more often a woman chooses children, the fewer cruel children we will have.
