When a child grows up in a family, then with the advent of a teenage crisis, its manifestations are felt by the whole family. In this article we will tell you how to understand that a difficult period has begun in the life of your son or daughter. What do psychologists mean by the definition of “difficult teenager”, and how can you help your child overcome this stage? So, find out how a difficult age is characterized and what methods exist to solve the problem.
Difficult teenager: brief information
A difficult teenager is a child over 9 years old whose behavior does not fit into the norms accepted in society. Simply put, there are deviations from generally known norms. The category of difficult teenagers includes those who cannot find a common language with teachers and parents. Any methods of education are met with hostility. At the same time, their protest causes them a lot of inconvenience. Many parents assume that a difficult teenager feels satisfaction from his terrible antics, but in reality, on a subconscious level, he is suffering.
These guys have psychological difficulties, and this manifests itself in almost everything. They show aggression, their mood often changes, depression is replaced by outbursts of rage, they experience depression and fear. All this suppresses a difficult teenager and results in problems in school and in the family. The general curriculum is more difficult for them, they do not want to fulfill the general requirements, and they quarrel with teachers. Various factors provoke a teenager's transition from ordinary to difficult. Moreover, such children are not necessarily similar to each other: some are lagging behind in physical development, others are ahead of other peers in this indicator, a third is overly excitable, a fourth is very withdrawn, and so on. All difficult teenagers have their own individual characteristics, and it would be wrong to generalize them.
The famous educator Anton Makarenko stated that by the age of five the child’s personality is formed, and subsequently it is very difficult to make adjustments to upbringing.
When do signs of parenting difficulties first appear? At the moment when the child begins to realize the educational influence. According to various studies, the conditions that surround a child in early childhood can later cause problems in adolescence. It is important for educators and parents of children to realize this, because they have to deal with the sensitive and malleable child's brain. Parents raising a difficult teenager must realize that they are now correcting mistakes made at previous stages of upbringing. Don’t rush to get upset - it’s not too late to fix everything.
Peculiarities of behavior of difficult teenagers
So, how can you tell if there is a difficult teenager in the family? It has been observed that children who have behavioral problems from birth to age 11 continue into adolescence. This is unlikely to surprise parents, since they have been experiencing various surges for many years.
Of course, it is not always the parents who are to blame for this crisis. This does not change the fact that they will have to make an effort to help a difficult teenager. In modern society, their number is constantly growing.
Anyone who has interacted with a difficult teenager or been one himself knows what behavioral characteristics such children have. It seems as if they are trying to contain the rage in their souls, which still breaks out. When does a difficult teenager show the greatest outburst of negativity?
To understand this, consider its characteristic features
:
- reacts negatively to someone's desire to help;
- has a negative attitude towards touching;
- reluctant to make eye contact;
- treats others with distrust;
- has problems with studying and eating.
Often a difficult teenager needs professional help, and the family should not be ashamed to seek it. This is the right decision and prevents a lot of trouble. How to determine whether a teenager is difficult or not?
There are simple ways
:
- Seek advice from a professional (pediatrician or child psychologist). Find a specialist you trust.
- Seek the opinion of an outsider who has no bias or interest in this issue and who has experience raising a teenager.
Psychological diagnostic methods
Before a psychologist works with a teenager, a comprehensive diagnosis of the patient’s personality is carried out, an analysis of his “I” is carried out, and communication and other problems are identified.
Many techniques are used for this:
- filling out questionnaires authored by R.B. Cattell, K. Leonhard;
- research through tests on the level of aspirations and self-esteem;
- diagnostics of a typical response to crisis and conflict situations according to K. Thomas, Dembo-Rubinstein or Budassi;
- testing the level of anxiety by Ch. Spielberg or J. Taylor;
- diagnostics of interpersonal relationships in the family and team according to T. Cleary’s method;
- determining the type of personality, the degree of its maturation;
- determining the patient's position on the depression scale.
A psychologist reveals a complete understanding of the mechanism of formation of a teenager’s personal “I” through the use of methods: “Repertory grids”, sociometry, sociability questionnaires, the prevalence of impulsive or inert decisions, drawing up an individual map of interests according to the method of E. A. Klimov.
Based on the data obtained, the psychologist will be able to understand what exactly the problem of deviation of the teenager’s behavior is, what “wounds” he is trying to protect through non-acceptance or active aggression, auto-aggression.
Next comes a long process of correcting self-perception, establishing communications with others, and building personal protection characteristic of a healthy personality.
Why teenagers become “difficult”: the main reasons
The first impetus for the appearance of deviations in the behavior of a senior student is problems in communicating with adults in the family or at school. If one of them supports a difficult teenager, then the crisis passes easier. If teachers and parents are negative, then he tries to find support from outside. Often the choice falls on antisocial companies. It seems to him that in this way he increases his status. Subsequently, it is very difficult to leave such a group.
During adolescence, many children are called difficult teenagers. During this period, children demonstrate changes in behavior and relationships with others. The most difficult period of growing up is considered to be the transition from childhood to adulthood - adolescence. This imposes certain changes on the personality of any person, and if there were problems with upbringing from the beginning, then the process of growing up is even more difficult. It is during this period that the child’s psyche is restructured, significant changes appear in the curriculum, the workload increases, and the child’s attitude towards learning changes. Traits appear in a teenager’s behavior that come as a complete surprise to others – often this provokes conflicts with family, teachers, and peers. Consequences: strong internal experiences.
“Difficult teenager” is a broad concept that includes maturing individuals who experience certain difficulties in contacts with others. The most obvious problems are identified in communication with teachers and family. For various reasons, it is difficult for a child to study and interact with others.
What to do if you have problems
A common mistake parents and teachers make is to try to convince the child that he is wrong before starting work with a difficult teenager. Such a step provokes an increase in the gap between individuals, aggravates disagreements, and forces the student to close himself off even more.
What psychologists do not advise doing in such situations:
- escalate the situation by putting pressure on the child’s awareness and conscience;
- violate his personal boundaries by trying to find out the reasons for misunderstandings by searching personal belongings, gadgets, reading personal diaries;
- force the child to take actions that you consider correct, but he denies them.
What to do:
- show gentleness and patience - you have already gone through a crisis stage in life, have a difficult experience of communication, and the child has encountered this for the first time, so aggression or ignorance on his part is a normal way of protection;
- try to build communication on equal terms, and not from a position of strength;
It is important to remember that your task does not require proof of your rightness or strength. It is much more important to restore mutual understanding. Therefore, you must be willing to bend, but not bend the teenager to your definition of “right/wrong” behavior. For example, if a child does not want to go to school, first you need to understand the reasons - this article will help.
After the child is convinced that no one is going to break his will, offer him a consultation with a psychologist. This should be done not in an ultimatum form, but gently, unobtrusively.
The choice of the specialist with whom the child will consult should take place with his participation. You should not take a student to a psychotherapist chosen by parents by default. A prerequisite for a psychologist’s fruitful work with a difficult teenager is mutual affection between them.
Types of difficult teenagers
Troubled teenagers are different from each other.
Let's look at their types
:
- Cynics
, who have a conscious violation of social norms. They are sure that everyone wants to do as they do, and only cowardice fetters them in their actions. - Conformists
who go into conflict under the influence of an asocial company. Mostly these actions are random, dictated by imitation of the “idol”. It is observed in difficult teenagers who are highly dependent on the opinions of others. They often become hostages of the situation. - Hesitant
. It is difficult for them to resist temptations. They want to immediately satisfy spontaneously arising needs. In this case, violation of norms entails repentance. - Affective teenagers
, characterized by increased sensitivity and rather large claims. It often seems to them that they are suffering unfair treatment and are striving for protest and revenge. Among the category, there are often demonstrative suicides.
Working with difficult teenagers
What work needs to be done with a difficult teenager to improve the situation:
At school
Experienced teachers know that when working with such children it is worth adhering to certain rules
:
- Emphasize their achievements, increasing their status among their peers.
- Get them interested in an unusual new activity in which the child can clearly achieve success.
- Maintain a trusting relationship with him.
- Help with studies, position it as a way to strengthen character.
- Recognition of a teenager in socially significant activities.
With a psychologist
One of the most important areas of work of any psychologist is to help a difficult teenager cope with a crisis. If the problem is identified on time and cooperation with a specialist begins in a timely manner, it makes sense to count on a quick positive result.
What are the functions of a psychologist working with children experiencing difficulties in society: diagnosis, consultation, correctional course.
A specialist has his own area of competence, and it includes many socio-psychological properties, characteristics, and phenomena.
Individual studies of the personality and psyche reveal the strengths and weaknesses of a difficult child. On the one hand, they need psychological and pedagogical correction, but at the same time they are part of the healthy psychological potential of the individual. You can rely on it in the process of education.
What does behavioral correction involve? The first step is to identify problems in the teenager’s relationships with adults and peers. After this, the situation is analyzed and methods for eliminating it are proposed.
It is of great importance to study the sociometric status of a teenager in the classroom, in the company of peers. It is important for the specialist to determine the place that the teenager occupied in the system of interpersonal relationships. It analyzes how justified its emotional manifestations are, whether there is psychological isolation, and if so, what are its causes.
How to cope with a difficult teenager: advice for parents
The current situation is not easy for parents, as well as for their growing children. They often witness outbursts of rage, and are not always able to adequately respond to such manifestations of emotion. It is important to understand that behind a child's anger lies sadness, shame, embarrassment and other feelings that he cannot cope with. Realizing his powerlessness, the teenager attacks his opponent, acting proactively. Most often, teenagers are not able to understand their own emotions and do not know how to express them in a way acceptable to society. They are also afraid to ask for support, and even pointedly refuse it
What is the task of parents? Help your son or daughter overcome negative emotions, and if he wants to express anger, then let him do it more constructively.
Recommendations that are important to follow
:
- Try to determine what is hiding the child's rage. Perhaps he is worried or depressed. Perhaps he is embarrassed by his status in society, and his peers are superior to him in some way. Or does he lack communication and support?
- It is necessary to establish inviolable boundaries. Your family should have reasonable rules, with reasonable punishment for non-compliance. When you and your teen are in a good mood, explain to him that it is natural to feel anger, but you need to find an appropriate way to express it. Example: A teenager attacks you. Such manifestations of emotion are followed by punishment in the form of deprivation of some household privileges or an unpleasant conversation with a person who arouses authority in the child. At this age, maintaining boundaries is especially important.
- Don't ignore warning signs. You may have noticed that before an outburst of rage, your child suffers from a headache or actively paces around the house. Perhaps he is always angry for the same reason. If a person is able to identify the situation that causes anger, it becomes easier for him to keep it under control.
- Help your teen find a way to deal with anger. Suitable options: sports exercises. Perhaps a gym or a punching bag will suit him. Some guys find it easier to express their emotions through music or other creativity. Determine what interests your son or daughter.
- Every teenager should have a space where they have the opportunity to put their feelings and emotions in order. A young man or woman experiencing anger needs a safe place where he can more easily come to his senses. There is no need to pursue a teenager if he is angry or demand an immediate apology or explanation of the situation. If the attack of rage does not pass, the situation will immediately worsen and may even lead to physical aggression.
- If you want your child to learn to control rage, learn how to cope with anger yourself. You cannot help a teenager if you yourself are unable to control yourself. Try to maintain composure in any situation.
Help from a psychologist
The main problem of recreating communications and adequate behavioral lines in adolescents is the non-expression of feelings and emotions that arise against the background of interaction with the outside world, with oneself. Misunderstanding, rejection of one’s own aspirations, fear of being misunderstood by loved ones forces tomorrow’s independent individuals to hide their true “I” under a shell of rudeness, aggression, and ignorance.
Forming the acceptance of the true “I”, the ability to be oneself, to defend one’s interests within the framework of socially acceptable variations are the main tasks of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
What does he teach a teenager:
- accept feelings, consider them a normal manifestation, even if they have negative connotations;
- express feelings objectively, calmly, without impulsiveness;
- understand the motives of parents, accept their feelings and experiences;
- take responsibility for actions, feelings, reactions.
Thanks to the methods used, parents and difficult children get the opportunity to look at the situation in the family from the outside. At specialized trainings, they learn to talk about their feelings, desires, express emotions, accept the emotions of other people as they are, without “remaking” the environment to suit their needs.
It is important to understand that correction is required not only by the behavior of the teenager, but also by his parents. In a conflict, both parties are always to blame, therefore, intra-family relationships can only be “cure” by working together on one’s “I”.
Parents must be ready to change themselves, and not just change the child’s character to suit their needs and habits. Thus, a psychologist’s work with a teenage girl prone to aggression will be completely unproductive if parents do not get involved in the process to find the triggers for the child’s inappropriate behavior in themselves.
