Why children steal: anxiety, coercion and more

In a relatively short period of adolescence, a teenager goes through a developmental journey. According to the famous domestic psychologist V.S. Mukhina, “through internal conflicts with himself and with others, through external breakdowns and ascents, he can gain a sense of personality.”

The roots of all problems are in the family

The main problem that almost all parents face: when children grow up, they want to somehow distinguish themselves, to show themselves in society. How the child will do this, whether these attempts will involve cruelty or criminal acts, depends on the family. The biggest problems arise where parents devote little time and attention to their children. Mom and dad can be wealthy, earn good money and buy a lot of things for the child, take them to tutors, take them on vacation, provide a lot of modern gadgets, but do nothing in terms of education. This is a big problem, because everything listed should be in the second, or even tenth, plane. The first place in the life of every child should be the availability of parents with whom they can communicate and discuss their problems.

Parenting is not asking once a day: “How are you, how is school?” - it is involvement in the lives of children, it is when mom and dad are interested in all aspects of their lives. If this does not happen, then the child gets the feeling that he is not important in the world around him. From here he has a desire to become first in it in any way.

If a teenager does something bad, it is very important to find out what is going on in his family. If he sees that his father offends his mother, says insulting words to her, and the mother does not remain in debt and responds in kind, then what is surprising if he also shows cruelty and disrespect for adults! If dad comes home from work and tells how clever he is - he managed to carry a bag of nails past the master Uncle Vasya unnoticed - then the child will see this and understand that stealing is possible, moreover, it’s good, it’s necessary. The fact is that for every child, his parents are an example of how to live and act. Until children have learned to value the opinions of their friends (which necessarily happens in adolescence), the family is the main authority for them, which they will definitely rely on. If a child is prone to stealing, then first of all you need to pay attention to the family and figure out why he did this.

Theft of teenagers, methodological development on psychology on the topic

REGIONAL STATE BUDGETARY INSTITUTION OF ADDITIONAL EDUCATION "

Preventing teenage theft for parents

(Methodological material for parents)

Birobidzhan

2018

Theft is the appropriation or consumption of material or spiritual values ​​that do not belong to a person without prior permission or notification of the owner of these values.

Teenage theft is truly one of the most serious problems faced by both parents and teachers. Cases of teenage theft are not that rare. Almost every child has taken something that belongs to someone else at least once in their life. The reaction of adults plays a big role in solving this problem, because the position they take largely determines whether a similar situation will happen again.

Factors in teenage theft

1. hereditary (biological) - congenital disorders of the child’s psyche and intellect, which do not allow him to realize and implement in his behavior moral norms and values, ideas about his own and other people’s property;

2. environmental:

- negative example of parents, peers;

- social conditions that encourage a teenager to steal (difficult financial situation of the family, excessively busy parents);

- alcohol and drug use in the family;

— parents’ affirmation, verbally and through their behavior, of antisocial patterns of behavior;

- loss of the positive influence of the family and the teenager’s rapprochement with a negative peer group;

- an indifferent or conniving reaction of the immediate social environment to the facts of teenage theft.

3. pedagogical:

- unproductive parenting strategies in the family and school (lack of attention and love for the teenager on the part of the parents);

— violation of maternal or paternal attachment, ignoring the adolescent’s needs for emotional contact;

- difficulties in communicating with parents; humiliation of a teenager, ignoring the primary manifestations of violations of moral standards; inadequate demands on a teenager from teachers or parents;

- misunderstanding of the communicative “messages” contained in the behavior of a teenager.

The listed factors (reasons), under appropriate favorable conditions, trigger the following mechanism for the emergence of a teenager’s tendency to steal:

• distortion in the teenager’s value system,
• inadequate ideas
• the primary manifestation of inappropriate behavior patterns,
• consolidation of inappropriate behavior patterns, formation of the habit of theft,
• illegal actions.

Psychological portrait of a “thief”

Recent studies by psychologists have shown that all children who steal are characterized by certain personal characteristics; in addition, the relationships and the environment that prevail in their families and in their immediate environment are also similar.

In most cases, it turns out that theft is a child’s reaction to traumatic life circumstances.

Often in families of children who steal, there is emotional coldness, alienation, and even hostility between parents and relatives. A child from such a family either feels that he is not loved, or in early childhood experienced some kind of psychological trauma associated with the relationships of close relatives.

If you try to create a psychological portrait of a child who steals, you can note that his characteristic features are goodwill, openness, but at the same time the inability to establish relationships with others. Often these children give the impression of being dependent and childish. As a rule, they are insecure, vulnerable, and need support and emotional acceptance from loved ones. Thieves are also often characterized by insufficient development of will.

Causes of teenage theft and ways to overcome it

Typically, researchers of this problem identify three main, global causes of teenage theft:

• A strong desire to own the thing you like, despite the voice of conscience.
• Serious psychological dissatisfaction of a teenager.
• Lack of development of moral ideas and will.

But in real life, the range of reasons for teenage theft is much wider. Let's look at some of them.

1. A teenager can imitate adults and copy their behavior. This, of course, does not literally mean that parents steal themselves or teach their children to do it. Often, parents simply do not think about the consequences of their words and actions. Perhaps the parents at home discuss other people who receive their livelihood through dishonest means, at the same time showing their envy or saying that such people should be followed as an example. And if something similar happens more than once, then what can be demanded from the child? So it turns out that the parents themselves taught the child to steal.
2. A careless attitude towards money in the family can also push a teenager to steal. In a wealthy family, usually none of the adults really count money; it is always available. A teenager always has pocket money. But it happens that the money has run out, and for some reason it is impossible to ask your parents for it at the moment (they are not at home or have a quarrel). The teenager justifies himself by saying that his parents would have given him anyway, so why ask.
3. One of the possible reasons is trouble in the family sphere, lack of parental love, or a desire to attract attention. If parents are too focused on their own affairs, or there is trouble in the marital relationship, or a new baby has been born in the family, the child may feel lonely and abandoned, he may feel that his parents pay less attention to him, or even that he is not loved, or that they are unfair to him. And then he can take money or some other thing from his mother’s bag, but always in such a way that the loss is easily detected. The child doesn’t really need the money itself. Theft, in this case, is a means to attract the attention of parents, a cry for help. Thus, through theft, children unconsciously try to restore the lost connection with their parents. Having committed theft, a teenager attracts attention, albeit negative: when he is punished, it is still better than when he is not noticed at all. Sometimes a teenager manages to improve, albeit temporarily, the relationship between his parents: usually the parents rally to solve a common problem. For those children who seek the attention of their parents through theft, noisy scandals and severe punishments only convince them of the correctness of their chosen strategy. In such cases, it is recommended to ignore the fact of theft or treat it as an ordinary event. Parents need to communicate more with their teenager, be sure to approve of his actions, and praise him for any, even minor, reason. It is necessary to develop a sense of self-worth, recognition, acceptance in the family and understanding, to make it clear that it is better to do actions approved by parents and society than negative ones.
4. The reason for committing theft may be the stinginess of the parents or the teenager’s protest against the authoritarianism of the parents. Those parents who claim that their child “has everything” are wrong. In fact, there are many little things that a child needs for immediate happiness that parents cannot or do not want to provide. It is important that the child’s persistent desire is at least partially satisfied, and does not cause severe stress or anxiety. The situation gets worse if the child’s question “Can I..?” adults, without explaining the reasons, answer “No!”. The child immediately begins to independently search for the answer to the question: “Why not?” And he may well decide that his parents can give him money, but don’t want to. Therefore, it is important that the teenager knows why sometimes he cannot get what he really wants. Or another option. A child wants to give a gift to someone close to him and asks his parents to give him pocket money, without explaining what he will spend it on. But the parents refuse: “You don’t need pocket money, we’ll buy you everything you need ourselves!” The child, in turn, decides: “They don’t understand how much I need this! They never understand me. You’ll have to look for a way out, an opportunity yourself.” Parents themselves, without noticing it, slow down the child’s growth, depriving him of independence. This is due to misunderstandings in the family, an incorrectly chosen and applied style of raising a child, and, most importantly, a lack of trust between the child and parents.
5. A teenager may be driven to steal by the desire to take revenge on someone. The reasons can be very different. It may also be a desire to cause trouble to loved ones for refusing to fulfill any of his requests. Sometimes the fact of theft is explained by a teenager as a desire to restore justice.
6. Stealing can be a way of self-affirmation, which is evidence of a teenager’s psychological distress among his peers: in this way he wants to attract attention to himself and win someone’s favor. For example, a teenager who stole money from home and bought candy with it gives it to other children in order to buy their love, friendship, and good attitude. The teenager increases his own importance or tries to attract the attention of others in the only possible way, in his opinion. In adolescence, “theft of prestige” and theft “for a bet” may occur due to the desire to establish themselves in the group. The reason here is low self-esteem and lack of communication skills.
7. Another serious reason for theft may be extortion by older children. In this case, parents must protect their child by stopping any attempts at intimidation or blackmail. It is important to explain to the child that in such cases he can turn to his parents and teachers for help.

Other factors provoking theft:

Inability to control your emotions and impulses. These are quite rare cases. This manifestation mainly affects adolescents who are lagging behind in mental or intellectual development. If it is quite difficult for a child to control himself, then it is necessary to consult a specialist doctor.

Kleptomania. Kleptomania is a mental illness in which the patient is driven by only one desire - to steal, no matter what, and no matter where. Steal even something completely unnecessary to him. This deviation is considered a very rare species, both among adults and children. React immediately if you suddenly realize that your child has stolen something. Even if it is unintentional, one cannot remain silent. Teaching children to take responsibility for any of their actions and deeds is the main task of parents.

Bad Education. For such a teenager, nothing is impossible. He lives in his own boundless world, in complete indifference to loved ones, and does whatever he wants. He steals money because he needs it. For such a child, everything is extremely simple, but this is only in his understanding. He doesn’t love anyone, his parents are not an authority or significant people for him.

The most common mistakes in education that provoke teenage theft

The main mistakes in education that contribute to teenage theft include the following:

• lack of consistency in upbringing: in one situation the child is punished, and in another they “turn a blind eye” to the offense, or they threaten to punish, but do not punish;
• inconsistency of adult demands: dad allows, but mom forbids;
• “double standards”: the parents’ actions are at odds with the case. For example, parents instill in their child that “you can’t take someone else’s,” but they themselves bring home from work something that “doesn’t fit well.” The child, sincerely believing in the authority and infallibility of his parents, follows their example and for a long time cannot understand why he is scolded if he acts like mom and dad;
• situation of permissiveness: raising a child in the “family idol” style: the child grows up with the thought “I am the best”, he does not learn to take into account the opinions of other people, he is guided only by his own desires and interests. Such children, when they get into a group, continue to behave the same way as in the family, sincerely not understanding why they cannot take what they want;

• total control over the child’s behavior and actions: some children take an active defensive position, constantly showing stubbornness and getting into arguments over any reason. Others “go underground,” continuing to commit acts condemned by adults, but at those moments when no attention is paid to them.

So, when you understand why your teenager steals, you clearly understand the reasons for theft, now is the time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your teenager, following the following rules:

■ If a teenager is “not caught red-handed,” do not rush to blame him, regardless of any suspicions. Remember the presumption of innocence.

■ Be extremely careful, be sensitive, because this is not a repeat offender, but a child. It depends on you how he will grow up. By hastening to give vent to your indignation, you can ruin a child’s life, deprive him of confidence in the right to be treated well by others, and thereby of self-confidence.

■ Let your teenager know how upset you are about what is happening, but try not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “a crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of your feelings, a joint search for a solution to any problem is better than a showdown.

■ Share responsibility with the child, help him correct the situation, and let him learn about such radical measures as punishment from books and be glad that his parents will not abandon him in trouble.

■ Try to understand the reasons for such an action. Perhaps there is some serious problem behind the theft. For example, a child took money from home because they demanded a “debt” from him, and he is ashamed to admit it, or he lost someone’s thing, and this loss must be compensated...

■ Try to find a way out of this situation together with your teenager. Remember - this should be a joint decision, not your order.

■ The stolen item must be returned to the owner, but it is not necessary to force the child to do it on his own; you can go with him. He must feel that every person has the right to support.

■ In general, leave your child an escape route. “I can imagine how much you would want this thing if you really believed it was given to you.”

A confidential conversation is the best prevention of possible difficulties. Discuss the teenager's problems, tell us about yours. It will be especially good if you share your own experiences, tell us what feelings you experienced in a similar situation. The child will feel your sincere desire to understand him, friendly, lively participation.

And a few more rules of your behavior:

● Do not discuss your child's negative behavior in front of others.

● Do not return to discussing the theft some time later, after the situation has already been sorted out and experienced.

● Do not provoke children to steal. Money and jewelry should not be in a visible place.

● Clearly condemn the specific behavior, not the child's personality.

How to act correctly if a case of teenage theft is discovered

1. When you hear that your teenager stole something, try to contain your emotions, especially if he is nearby. Know: the child is watching your reaction. Control yourself, remain calm and cool.
2. As soon as you calm down, collect as much objective information about what happened as possible.
3. Don't pretend that nothing happened. Tell your teen that you know what he did and would like to discuss it. Do not put pressure on him under any circumstances. If possible, ask him to tell you everything himself when he is ready. Give him a couple of days to think about it.
4. Don't throw hysterics and scandals. Forceful punishment is the most seductive and the most ineffective, since it does not solve the problem that has arisen, but often aggravates it.
5. It is important to talk kindly and privately with the child: find out where the item came from, how he further wanted to dispose of the stolen property. What kind of relationship does the child have with the owner of the item? This way you can understand the child’s motivation.
6. You need to let the child understand how upsetting the parents are about what is happening, but it is better not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of feelings, a joint search for a solution is better than a showdown.
7. It is worth paying attention to how the child himself feels about his action - he is ashamed, he repents, or believes that everything that happened is in the order of things. If there is no feeling of guilt at all, the parents' assessment should be clear and definite: the teenager should feel that such behavior is unacceptable and condemned.
8. There is no need to strive to cause an open feeling of guilt in a teenager, or to destroy his psychological defenses. It is necessary for him to understand that theft is condemned by everyone and leads to a deterioration in relationships, and the results of theft do not lead to achieving the set goal.
9. You can express a negative assessment of the actions of the child, but not the individual, with specific condemnation of such behavior.
10. It is necessary to talk about the consequences of such an act from the perspective of the experiences and feelings of a person who has lost his favorite thing, money.
11. A child should not be allowed to be tried in public.
12. If possible, arrange for the return of the stolen item. Share responsibility with the child, help him correct the situation.
13. If money is stolen from your parents, you need to express your grief over their absence and tell them what they were intended for.
14. When discussing what happened, you need to remember that strong negative feelings can cause a teenager to hide all actions that he considers shameful or bad.
15. Help your child cope with the effects of stress. Tell him that you are proud of his courage, because admitting openly oneself guilty is an act.
16. And most importantly, it is very important to make it clear to your child that you can always count on the help of your parents in a difficult situation.

Preventing teenage theft

The best prevention of teenage theft is complete mutual trust between parents and teenager. In a family where parents do not lie, children answer them in kind, and theft is rare.

It happens that a child does not have his own personal territory, his own personal belongings, which he can completely dispose of at his own discretion. He does not form the concept of “one’s own - someone else’s.” He can take things from home without perceiving their sale or gift as theft. It is important to clearly delineate for the child the boundary between his own things and common ones, which he has the right to use, but does not have the right to dispose of. It is the child’s lack of experience in owning property that provokes theft.

It is good to direct a teenager’s activity “in a peaceful direction”: you need to find out what really interests him: sports, art, collecting some kind of collection, some books, photography, etc. A person whose life is filled with activities that are interesting to him feels happier and more needed.

A teenager must be taught to empathize and think about the feelings of others. We need to introduce him to the rule: “Do as you want to be treated,” and explain the meaning of this rule using examples from your own life.

A teenager needs to be responsible for someone or something in the family - for his younger brother, for the presence of fresh bread in the house, for watering the flowers, etc. We need to gradually hand over things to him and share responsibility with him.

The simplest measure to prevent teenage theft is not to provoke it. For example, do not scatter money around the apartment, but store it in a place inaccessible to him. Sometimes this alone is enough.

An effective way to prevent theft is to allocate pocket money. This should not be money for breakfast at school, it should be personal pocket money, issued regularly, which the teenager can spend at his own discretion. Children perceive their own money with great responsibility. Family councils, where family members distribute the budget, are very helpful in avoiding home theft. They determine the total income and distribute it for various needs: food, rent, transportation, large purchases, vacation. The council makes contributions for personal expenses for both children and parents. The child becomes involved in the expenditure of funds and even has the right to vote, which raises him in his own eyes and makes him more responsible for family affairs. The teenager also sees the limits of the family budget, he learns what it costs in this world. He learns to plan. It is more difficult to commit theft under these conditions.

Each parent builds interaction with a teenager in his own way, based on his own values, life experiences and ideas.

But if you are interested in questions such as:

- establish strict discipline or become a friend to your child,

- protect him or give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes,

- guide the child’s development or allow him to go his own way and many others, then the proposed material will be interesting and useful to you.

In conclusion, we can say that the general strategy of parents’ behavior in relation to the theft of their children should depend on the reasons for the teenager’s behavior, the clarification of which is of paramount importance. But in any case, it is necessary to remember that the appearance of such an alarm signal as theft or theft indicates a child’s psychological distress - this is a cry for help!

Remember: no matter what trouble happens to a child, the main thing is not to turn away from him, but give him a chance to remain Human. And if necessary, give this chance again. It is faith in the child, in the fact that he wants and can be better, that will save him and stop him from taking a fatal step.

Literature

1. Kravtsova M.M. If a child takes other people's things. M.: Eksmo, 2002.
2. Kleiberg Yu.A. Psychology of deviant behavior: Textbook for universities / Yu.A. Clayburgh. – M., 2004.
3. Davydova E.Kh. The origins of children's home theft // Children's practical psychologist. July, 1995.
4. Potanin G.M., Kosenko V.G. Psychological and correctional work with teenagers. – Belgorod, 1995.
5. Rudakova I.A. Deviant behavior. – Rostov-n/D, 2005.
6. Maznichenko M., Neskoromnykh N. Teenage theft // Public education. – 2015. – No. 4.

Teacher-psychologist Zyablitska O.V.

Why do children who have everything steal?

Thefts are often committed by children from wealthy families who do not need anything. Why is this happening? The child wants to take a special place in the hierarchy of life, wants to stand out from the crowd, to show that he is significant, that he can be a leader. If the theft is a success and the thief is not found, the child feels powerful, “cool” - he has deceived everyone, he is smarter than everyone.

We must also take into account that our criminal world is now very romanticized in popular culture. Although, if you look at the past, you can also find an attitude towards crimes as something valiant. Let's remember the same Robin Hood - he is an ordinary robber, for whom it is normal to come and take away someone else's property. It’s convenient to give it away later and be known as generous! But he didn’t earn all this with sweat and blood, didn’t put in any work - so what right did he have to dispose of?

What can we say about modern culture, where lawbreakers very often become heroes! The child does not yet have a critical eye; he believes what he is told and believes that good at the cost of crime is normal. Moreover, a teenager who needs to find an excuse for his ugly actions, explain to himself and those around him that he is not bad, not a criminal, but a hero. In the criminal world in general there is such a feature: to romanticize what essentially should not be romanticized.

Plan

If your child steals from a store or another person, plan how you will return the item or pay for it. Make sure your child is involved in the process. In addition to the consequences that the other party outlines, add your own consequences that apply to theft (for example, doing housework for little pay until the child earns the value of the item he stole and then donates the money earned to charity) so that your the child understood how seriously you took this situation.

Stealing is like a drug

Faced with the romanticization of criminals in popular culture, the teenager believes that there is nothing wrong with easily achieving his goals. If you can’t get an iPhone honestly, that means you can take it from someone else. If for the first time everything works out and he gets away with theft, he begins to feel euphoric and feels permissive.

Nowadays there are many people who, in order to tickle their nerves and feel a surge of adrenaline, jump with a parachute, climb steep cliffs, and engage in extreme sports. Theft is akin to all of this. Gradually it becomes a kind of addiction, a disease. A professional thief can be a very wealthy person who has no need to steal, but he still goes and steals - not because he needs money, but to feel the danger, to tickle his nerves. It's like a drug for him, he can't live without it. A child, if not stopped in time, may also become dependent. On the one hand, he asserts himself, shows how cool he is, on the other hand, he feels euphoria from the surge of adrenaline he experienced. This is why it is so dangerous if a child steals with impunity. In such situations, all the bells must be rung, because the person disappears.

Let's find out his motivation

Statistically, teenage theft is very common. The reasons for this can be very different: from the desire to get the thing you like at any cost to the need for attention and banal boredom. Therefore, your first and main task is to find out the motives for such behavior.

Perhaps, having learned that your precious child is stealing change from his pocket or, even worse, pocketing things in stores, you will be horrified and indignant. This is a completely natural reaction, but psychologists recommend not attacking a child with accusations. Talk to him calmly and kindly and try to find out what makes him do this.

A teenager steals: what to do?

If you discover that a teenager is stealing, the first thing you need to do is contact his family. Parents may not even suspect that such a disaster has happened near them. Previously, people around were not so indifferent to other people's children. Parents did not protect the personal boundaries of their children as zealously as they do now, and each neighbor could punish for an offense in the same way as the parents. Nowadays no one wants to get involved with other people’s children, because you might not only not receive support from your parents, but, on the contrary, you might end up in a very unpleasant conflict. Parents, shielding and protecting their children in every possible way, often simply destroy them, because crimes go unpunished, which leads to the exacerbation of the child’s criminal inclinations.

If parents do not react, you need to contact law enforcement agencies, because if a teenager grows up to be a professional thief, nothing good will come of it. What if these thefts lead to him having to defend himself and he injures another person? This is a different article, a different punishment, after which the fate of a teenager can follow a very sad scenario.

What should parents do if their child steals? How to stop a child from stealing?

Firstly, you need to be on the child’s side, because you are his support and support in any case. Be there for him to feel it.

Don’t shout, label or call people names (“thief!”). It’s better to understand the situation: what were the child’s motives? You can contact a psychologist who will help you look at the situation from the outside and tell you what to do next.

There is no need to try to “hush up” the situation or hide it. The child should be ashamed, he should understand the consequences of his action, so that this does not happen again and does not lead to even worse consequences. Sometimes conversations and exhortations are not enough; the child must “live” the situation, experience all this anger, condemnation, guilt and shame.

The girl's parents also talked to a psychologist. When they learned about a group of teenagers at school, they transferred the girl to another school. The mother realized that she had idealized her daughter too much; the girl’s behavior could have been protestful, because it is difficult for a child to be perfect all the time. The parents realized that their parenting style was too protective; they decided a lot for the child. They did not see the personality behind the created image, with its desires, its needs.

The girl and I discussed values, self-esteem, friendship and love. We came up with different ways to become interesting to our peers in more environmentally friendly ways.

React and find out the reasons

What should Christian parents do if they are faced with the fact that their growing child is stealing? First of all, under no circumstances turn a blind eye to what happened and find out why it happened. In general, I would recommend that you definitely respond to child theft, no matter what age it happens. Even if a child simply took a toy without asking in kindergarten, you need to talk to him and explain that they don’t do that. We need to have conversations with children before they do something bad.

Second: we need to find the reason why the teenager steals. After all, children now see from their peers a lot of things that, for some reason, are inaccessible to them. Therefore, it is important not to lead children to theft. There is no need to demand that your Orthodox children humble themselves and wear something worse. There is no need to dress girls in skirts that reach to their toes, and dress boys in black and old-fashioned trousers. The child should not feel inferior. If theft was a reaction to this, then parents need to pay attention to his clothes and belongings.

Perhaps the child lacks attention in his company, he wants to impress or take the place of a cool guy. Often, such a desire also has roots in the family: he lacked praise there, a sense of self-worth - so he began to look for them outside his home, in the circle of friends.

The child may not understand the significance of what he has and may not realize the value of money. I recently had a case: a boy stole money from his parents. It turned out he needed pocket money. My parents came to me with this problem, and I offered to let him earn money at my temple. We have a construction project going on, and we came up with a job for him to do - move the bricks. The boy worked for a long time, was very tired, and at the end of the job he received his first salary from me. We talked, and since then the problem went away: he realized that money is not given for nothing, that making real money is not at all like receiving money from your parents.

Don't punish the thief

No, this does not mean at all that you need to turn a blind eye to the misconduct! But physical punishment also makes no sense. The rule of punishment is simple: you cannot direct the impact from the personality of the parent to the personality of the child.

The situation itself must punish. And the object of punishment is incorrect behavior, and the child himself remains loved. Second is consistency. No double standards: dad can do it, but you can’t; Yesterday it was possible, but today it is impossible; Yesterday they punished, and tomorrow they gave up.

At the crime scene

You can call the baby from another room, redirect his attention, and then ask him what he was doing where he was noticed. If the thief is from 3 to 6 years old, then you can conduct a dialogue with him quite openly, saying: “I saw how you did this

You know, I felt very sorry for the owner of this thing. I immediately thought how upset he would be..."

A teenager who is caught off guard can expect to react with anger or outright lies.

In both cases, there is no need to raise your voice or use the imperative mood.

It’s better to quietly and half-jokingly ask: “Do you need my help? I was going to give you a few hundred for the movie, but I see you can handle it on your own. Only you take from the wrong wallet (pocket, bag). For you, I put money in a piggy bank (box, jar). How much do you need?" The question is asked in order to draw the child into dialogue.

As you continue the conversation, be sure to find out what the amount is for. For some purchases, you need to plan a budget and purchase period together; for others, you need to explain that such expenses are irrational or unaffordable for the family now. It is necessary to end the dialogue with a compromise, an agreement.

Over the years

Punishment is ineffective if it comes at the wrong time. Children are not punished for events of long ago - this does not improve the situation tomorrow at all, but it harms contact and psychological comfort today.

If the fact of theft became known after the fact, then you can only talk with the child about whether he realizes his guilt

It is important that in this conversation the phrase is heard: “Well done for not being afraid to talk about it”

Pocket money and the opportunity to earn money

Children, especially teenagers, should have pocket money. It is important for them to be able to buy something, treat friends - this is the custom among them. Not everyone can ask their parents for them; many are simply embarrassed. Lack of pocket money can encourage theft. How to avoid this? Either give the child a small amount, or figure out how he can earn this money. At all times, those who wanted to find a job found one. My family lived modestly, and I started working as a loader at the market to have my own money. Now there is an opportunity to earn money using the Internet.

Parents can also help you find a part-time job. An acquaintance of mine entrusted his daughter, for a fee, with sending out job advertisements on the Internet to a large circle of people. She did this with pleasure, and in the end she helped her father and earned money. This practice seems very true to me: the child gets used to the idea that before he gets something, he has to work hard. If a teenager receives money from his parents just like that, it will seem to him that it is worth nothing - and this attitude will develop not only in relation to his own money, but also in relation to other people’s.

Black and white screen and password folder

— Do you have any ideas on how to reduce the level of stuckness on your phone?

- For example, buying games instead of letting the child play free ones.

- Suddenly. We are fighting against this, but now we should still buy?

— There will be advertising in free content, the child will be constantly dragged somewhere, he will click. And if you bought it, then the manufacturer got what he wanted.

Then reduce the brightness of the spot of attention. Here you have a black and white screen, why?

— I struggle with my own addiction to the phone. With such a screen, I go to social networks less often; I don’t even want to take photos.

- Here. If you want to let your child watch a cartoon, let him watch it in black and white. To avoid this “Oh, how beautiful!” effect. The smartphone is too bright a spot in the surrounding background. You can reduce the color contrast.

How to keep children safe online during a pandemic

Set parental safety mode immediately. If you really feel like it’s too much to spend money on parental control, put a folder with passwords in your phone. Put everything there that your child does not need for school, and remove the password at the agreed time. My parents sometimes say to me: “How can I do all this, I don’t even know the password for my phone.”

If you cannot agree with your child on such measures, then there are serious problems and, perhaps, you need to take away the child’s phone altogether for a while. But you can't just take it away. You need to have an explanatory conversation, explain the motives for your actions, maybe then the child will agree to set restrictions.

- It's clear. That is, parents will still have to educate themselves.

- Yes, you need to study, special skills are required. This is an environment of increased complexity; it requires a culture of its use. The parent is the most vulnerable and incompetent link in the gaming industry system.

For example, in order to understand and then help others, I completed an advanced training program at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University “Modern approaches to psychotherapy of addictions.” Now I have a course for parents about children's gadget mania and a group on Facebook.

— If a child, under the guise of homework, sits at the computer for seven hours and it is unclear whether he is playing or programming, what should the parent do?

- So, some kind of nonsense is happening. Set up parental controls, it allows you to set up a number of sites that you don’t need to go to, and you will also know what your child is doing.

— And here, it seems to me, a second problem may emerge after computer helplessness. A parent in a situation of dependence may be afraid to forbid or limit something for the child.

- This means there are codependent, unhealthy relationships in the family. If you do nothing, then one day you may be faced with a difficult choice - either you will serve the addiction, or you will have to hand over your child to the social welfare authorities.

If you feel that you can’t cope, then I recommend seeking social help, contacting psychologists, and going to codependent groups.

Without solving the problem, you serve the child’s addiction, do not influence the child, do not know how to provide healthy control and build boundaries, and do not know how to discuss complex and painful topics.

— What do you think is the main mistake of parents?

- If you do something, then get an hour of play in return. If you haven't done something, I'll take them away from you. It is not right. A supervaluation of the subject of dependence is formed. Very soon this behavior will get out of control, the child will begin to deceive, be cunning, play around, and so on. And this, by the way, is a good scenario.

It’s a bad scenario if he follows all these instructions and just obediently does what you tell him for the sake of the gadget - this is how you make a slave out of the child, depriving him of his subjectivity. It is better when there is a degree of freedom, resistance and rebellion than when there is blind submission.

- A riot can also end badly. I know stories where children attack their parents.

“I know that there are episodes when children even beat their parents, usually mothers, who cannot resist them. 14–15 years old are already large teenagers; with uncontrolled aggression, they can be dangerous. Here you need to seek professional help.

Dealing with addiction requires you to first admit your own incompetence. First step: “I can’t cope with this, I don’t have the strength, resources and capabilities. I need outside help." External help can be in the form of a community, books, support groups, psychologists and so on, social welfare authorities. There are free methods of work.

This is not a joke. The psyche of a dependent person can begin to form at the age of six. And for some time it will be almost unnoticeable. But by the age of 10, problems grow like a snowball. What happens next largely depends on the parents.

Provide employment

Crimes are often committed by teenagers who have a lot of free time. Previously, we were all busy all day: school, extra classes or training, then we still had to do homework. Now everything is paid, parents do not always have the opportunity to place their children somewhere, but this needs to be done. Even if teenagers do not go to sections or clubs, we need to provide them with something to do during the day. This could be some kind of household chores, helping neighbors or acquaintances. The main thing is to prevent idleness and teach the child to work. Without this it is difficult to raise a true Christian. After all, a real Christian is not one who lies on the couch all day and says: “Lord, have mercy and give me something to eat!”, but one who works hard all day. What was Adam called to do? - to cultivate and maintain the Garden of Eden. Our task now is to cultivate what surrounds us.

Bad Company

Many teenagers begin to steal and commit other similar offenses in the company of friends, without whom they would not even think about such actions. If your child steals in front of friends, you should discuss this problem with him. You might consider stopping your child from hanging out with these friends, but you need to be realistic—this strategy usually has the opposite effect and makes these friends even more attractive to your teen. Instead, you should work with your child on the ability to refuse. Teach him to say, "You can do what you want, but I don't want any more trouble, so I'll wait outside."

Without changes in the family, experts will not help

If parents find out that their child is stealing in order to take a certain place in the teenage community, they can seek help from a psychologist. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because if a person has a toothache, he goes to the dentist, if his leg hurts, he goes to the traumatologist. Behavioral problems require professional help, this is normal. In more severe cases, you may need to see a psychotherapist.

I won’t say that you need to see a doctor right away. Sometimes parents need to start devoting more time to their child, and even if they missed it in some way, there is a chance to restore this connection. There is no need to scold and immediately grab the belt - this will not help build a trusting relationship. Many of our children are simply neglected due to parental busyness. Most dads and moms give them the opportunity to sit on gadgets as long as they want or go for walks with anyone, as long as they don’t disturb them, as long as they let them rest. This leads to a loss of communication between them. No matter how confidentially such parents talk to a teenager who has committed a crime, conversations will not change anything. It is necessary to change the forms of communication, often it is even necessary to change the place of residence - because if the child communicates in the same company that led him to the crime, there will be little sense in admonishing him. If nothing changes at all in the family, then even specialists will not help, no matter how good they are.

How to prevent a teenager from stealing money from their parents: advice from a psychologist

It is easier to prevent any problem than to solve it later. What points should you pay attention to so as not to cry bitter tears in the future? Psychologists advise:

• build communication on trust and educate through personal examples, share your own experience;
• try to determine the child’s inclinations and choose a hobby for him that will captivate him and take up a significant part of his time;
• trust him with household chores and determine the range of daily responsibilities: for example, watering flowers, caring for pets, going grocery shopping;
• teach respect for others and their feelings, so that the little person understands that a careless act can cause pain to another;
• The child must understand that everyone in the family has personal and favorite things and clearly distinguish between “mine and someone else’s”;
• think over the place where the money will be stored so that it does not lie in a visible place, provoking theft;
• if the child wants to buy him something that is really necessary and give him funds for small expenses in order to determine the value of his purchases.

The proposed measures do not always prevent thefts, but significantly reduce the risk of their occurrence. If the problem of theft “has not bypassed” the family and the child begins to steal from family and strangers, from peers, in stores, then the help of a specialist is needed, otherwise the consequences can be extremely sad.

Psychologists advise that if a teenager steals and lies, then it is necessary to find contact with your child, which is a difficult moment, to find out the starting point, what the teenager lacks and what provoked him to step “on a slippery slope.”

If the grown-up child repents, then the parents will find options and resolve the issue with minimal losses. There is no need to reproach and punish, you need to work out “escape routes.” For example, return stolen property or partially compensate for damage caused. If you are ashamed, then it is enough to put the stolen item in a place where the owner will find it.

But theft, even if committed once, cannot be ignored. Perhaps this act will not be repeated, but more often a situation of impunity leads to systematic theft. It is difficult to predict and stop, it is difficult to fight, but it is possible to change the situation. The main thing is to find an approach to your child.

Correctional institutions do not correct

A child can now go to a juvenile colony from the age of fourteen. Criminals who have turned eighteen end up in a colony for adults. We need to tell children about what actions lead to such sad consequences. You can watch films with them - feature films and documentaries - that honestly talk about the zone, life behind bars, and the fate of prisoners. For example, I always liked the movie “The Boys” - I recommend watching it with your child. There is no need to intimidate, we need to discuss.

Unfortunately, not knowing the real state of things, imagining life in colonies from movies and TV series, teenagers tend to be mistaken about what awaits them there. They think they will be like some hero who ended up in prison due to a misunderstanding and gained authority there thanks to his special character traits. But prisons have their own laws, and so do juvenile colonies. There are their own authorities who demand strict obedience, who will achieve this obedience by any means, the most cruel, perverted and disgusting - those that I don’t even want to talk about. Yes, there will be very young criminals, almost children, but we must not forget that very often children are much more cruel than adults. They don’t yet know how to live, and therefore it seems to them that violence is the best and most effective way to achieve what they want.

Violence will surround a teenager in a colony day and night. He is unlikely to be able to come out of there as a normal person. Not a single human colony has corrected it. There they only break and maim. Our entire system is designed in such a way that correctional institutions do not correct people. If a person has an inner core, his own credo, which he does not agree to cross, then perhaps he has a chance. In the end, not everyone ends up in a colony because of intentional crimes; you can, for example, hit a person with a car and end up there.

If a person does not want to take the path of crime, he has a chance, but if he chose the path of a criminal, he will no longer return to the path of an honest person, because he has his own rules, his own honor, his own ways of establishing himself. If a teenager is attracted by all this romance, he will go further, to an adult prison, where he will be taught how to live “correctly” and how to earn money. Of course, this is a dead end path. If they say that there is nothing wrong with going to a colony, don’t believe it, it’s not true. It's very scary there. I remember our visit to the guys who, after the trial, were waiting for distribution to the colonies. I can’t forget the look of one guy who realized how scary the place he was in was. It was very difficult to see.

How are minors recruited?

In general, the following administrative measures are applied to minors who have committed petty or grand theft:

1. demand to publicly apologize to the victim;
2. issuing a warning;
3. announcement of a regular or severe reprimand;
4. transferring the child under the supervision of parents or guardians, educators, under the supervision of a team or public organization, if they agree;
5. transfer of the perpetrator for re-education to a civil association or work collective at their request;
6. placement of the child in a special treatment and educational institution (with the exception of dispensaries for drug addicts);
7. placement of a child (if he has committed particularly dangerous acts or maliciously violates public rules) in a special educational institution. A child from eleven to fourteen years old can go to a special school, and from 14 to 18 years old - to a specific vocational school. The Commission on Minors' Affairs may impose such a measure with a trial period of up to a year.

City and county commissions may propose limiting or depriving a child aged 15-18 of the opportunity to use his earned money or a scholarship, if such accruals occur.

Responsibility for a 14 year old

According to Art. 90 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, a child who has committed a minor theft may not bear criminal liability if it is proven that his correction can occur with the help of compulsory administrative influence.

Thus, a 14-year-old may be assigned the following types of sanctions:

• warning;
• supervision by parents, guardians or a special authority;
• obligation to make amends;
• establishing certain rules for the behavior of a teenager, limiting his leisure time.

If a child systematically does not adhere to the prescribed measures or continues to commit thefts for large sums, at the request of a specialized body, this measure is canceled, the information is sent for re-examination and bringing the teenager to criminal responsibility.

Punishment for a 15 year old

Fifteen-year-olds who commit theft are subject to all the administrative measures described above; they may also be required to compensate for material damage if the child has his own income. In this case, the amount of damage should not exceed half the amount of the minimum wage in the country.

What does a 16-year-old face for theft?

A 16-year-old teenager for ordinary petty theft will receive the administrative measure of restraint indicated above and will also have to pay a fine. However, this is only possible if the child has his own income.

If the criminal act is not committed for the first time or is classified as serious, a 16-year-old teenager may face criminal punishment up to imprisonment.

Other dangers

It is impossible to protect children from all the evils in the world. Danger can come from unexpected places. To prevent trouble, you need to know your children's social circle. However, in the modern world, this is not enough: now children communicate on social networks, on various sites, and monitoring such communication is much more difficult. We all remember the hype around the Blue Whale community, which encouraged teenagers to commit suicide. People influenced children from a distance, and often well-to-do children.

Teenagers are controllable, and skilled psychologists know how to make them either stand “on watch” during a robbery or plant drugs in the right place. Our task is not to be indifferent. We must talk about the dangers, monitor who the child communicates with, and do everything again and again so that the thread of trust does not break. I don't mean asking for secrets, but normal communication. Of course, it will not protect you from everything, but it will give you the opportunity not to get confused in an unexpected situation.

We need to be vigilant. There is a blind love for children, which does not think about the fact that a child cannot grow up without restrictions and boundaries. But without control and restrictions, a child’s life will turn into chaos, and our task is to create these frameworks. And, of course, you need to pray for your children - this is the main weapon of Christian parents.

Archpriest Georgy Tsyganov

Golden mean

When it comes to your child and material goods, try to find a middle ground. Understand that things like clothing and technology are very important to a teenager because they act as a way of demonstrating both individuality and membership in a particular group that is important to him. Don't give your teen everything he asks for, as this can make him feel entitled and lack respect for the property of others. Instead, allow your teen to earn the material goods of their choice through long periods of good behavior, or you can help them find a way to earn money on their own.

Found a violation? Report content

Find extra activities for your child

Encourage self-development by allowing your teen to use his energy to hone his skills and abilities in productive ways, such as by playing a sport or participating in a hobby group. This will help the child establish communication with peers who have interests other than material values ​​and the latest fashion trends.

Harvest ring: a neighbor taught how to properly “wake up” potatoes

The son of Shepelev and Zhanna Friske received the first cup in the tennis tournament

18% will travel throughout Russia, 7% abroad: Russians spoke about plans for the summer

"Four Ages" of Child Theft

1. Unconscious (0-3 years) Example: little Vanechka sees an interesting trinket. He likes it, and the child puts the thing in his pocket so that he can give it to one of the parents for his birthday.
2. Children's (4-11 years old)
   Example: Tanya brings to school a pen with many different colors. Her parents bought it as a gift for her diligent studies. Svetochka doesn’t have one, so she takes the pen for herself and shifts the blame to their third friend.
3. Young teenagers (12-17 years old)
   Example: Dasha’s “advanced” friends steal Kinders from the supermarket and invite her to join. Well, how can you refuse?
4. Real conscious theft (teenagers and 18+)
   There are a million examples, but the most important thing is that it is criminally punishable.

Of course, stealing as a child may seem like a small thing. But if you miss this moment in childhood, it will be more difficult to cope with the problem later! Stealing is a very personal and shameful offense. But how many people stole everything! Everyone, probably at least once, would like to appropriate something that belongs to them, and most likely they have even done it. Parents, remember your childhood - did it ever happen that you or one of your friends stole? What came of it? How did you feel about this? Your child is unlikely to tell you about this, and parents are often uncomfortable raising such a topic in conversation with their child.

Parents, remember your childhood - did it ever happen that you or one of your friends stole? What came of it? How did you feel about this? Your child is unlikely to tell you about this, and parents are often uncomfortable raising such a topic in conversation with their child.

If you catch a child lying, don’t start a scandal

The ability to lie appears in a child simultaneously with the ability to speak correctly and coherently, by the age of 3–4 years. It should be remembered that at this age the child’s lies are associated with testing the boundaries of what is permitted and learning about the world around him. In preschool and adolescence, children consciously resort to untruths if they want to stand out from their classmates, avoid ridicule from their peers, and escape deserved punishment. If a teenager is caught in a lie, the first thing to do is to remain calm. It is necessary to understand what reasons and circumstances motivated him, what fears and problems he experiences. Don’t rush into punishment; review your relationship with your offspring.

• A trusting relationship with a child is the key to success and the most effective way to correct the situation. Introducing the practice of conversations and active listening will help here.
• If a teenager does not want to share personal secrets, respect his choice and do not push. The time will come, he will appreciate it and, perhaps, share his secrets.
• Do not provoke lies with questions with known answers, for example: “Have you prepared your essay?”, “Have you finished your homework?” The teenager will begin to pretend that he has done almost everything, or there is still time for this, or he will simply lie. Replace such questions with phrases that begin with “I noticed...” and offer help. Say: “I noticed that you didn’t finish your essay. Can I help you?"
• Reduce your child's overprotectiveness. Total control can lead to hiding the real picture of life from parents in order to avoid proceedings and accusations from adults. Set rules for each action that all family members must follow. If a teenager, for example, is late and does not have time to return by a certain time, then set a rule - be sure to call home. No one will complete household duties if the child on whom they are assigned is lazy or does not find the time. Don't feel sorry for him, otherwise he will come up with a thousand reasons for refusing to work, knowing that he will be replaced. Knowing the strictness of the established rules, the offspring will not have to resort to lies, because this will not help. Naturally, this does not apply to cases of illness or illness.
• Low self-esteem in a child can also be a reason for lying. Explain that his parents' love for him is unconditional, regardless of his achievements and successes. And take steps to improve his self-esteem. Adolescence is better experienced if you have interests and hobbies.
• Don’t be a hypocrite yourself and don’t lie at home, try to set a personal example of truthfulness. Remember, the child copies the lifestyle of the parents. And if he has already witnessed a lie from your lips, then explain why in this case you are telling a lie.

These glass eyes are familiar to many parents.

— Was all this a surprise to you? I often see the opinion: “We need to take care of the child, read books, take him on hikes, and then he will not be dependent on the computer.” Can you say that you did not take care of your son?

— We were engaged, we have good company. An enriched environment was created, the child had a cultural load. On the eve of these events, we rode bikes, bought barbecue, had a picnic in the forest, and chatted. There were all signs of normal contact. At the same time, he coped with the school curriculum easily, and there was time left. These two layers of reality completely coexisted with each other - there were alarming signals, and there were healthy signals.

For some reason I missed the warning signs. For example, I attributed a lot of things to adolescence, all these aggressive outbursts. Now I know that at 11 years old this shouldn’t happen.

“I was kicked out of school twice, but I played 16 hours a day.” Is it possible to quit video games once and for all?

Based on our son’s achievements, we even built a gaming computer. I thought maybe I didn’t understand something, maybe esports was my son’s future. Let then it be a complexly organized activity. I brought in a professional gamer to help with strategy and team. But at this time my son was no longer interested in the game so much as in gambling. He had already become addicted to gambling for money and was involved in more serious things.

— So you took the path not to ban, but to lead the revolution?

- Certainly. Children now dream about eSports. But this is a very difficult job. I wanted him to feel that these are real loads, goal setting, leadership qualities, this is a certain mode of attention.

There was still a signal. He had a simple computer in his room. It seems that we were making sure that he did not sit behind him. It turned out that he watched films there at night and corresponded. And then in the morning for some reason we could not wake up the child. At school, he started sleeping in class.

There must be a regime, because the organism is formed, complex neural structures, neural ensembles - all this greatly influences the formation of attention functions.

— You wrote that you began to communicate with the parents of other children. And they told you about gambling addiction. What exactly?

“For example, when an older brother says: “If you don’t let me play, I will beat my younger sister.” They told how children call names and swear: “You are the worst parents.” Constant outbursts of aggression. Lack of time control. The child wants nothing but games.

Sometimes they say: “Let him play and play enough.” He won't play enough. Dependence is insatiable - no matter how much you play, it’s not enough. Parents understand that they constantly return to talking about the phone, to scandals about the phone, to trying to limit, control.

Father and mother, by and large, have the right to gratitude from the child, to a “thank you,” to a good time. When no matter what you do, you are always at fault - this is not normal.

You try to do one thing, another, another, create an enriched environment, but the child doesn’t like anything. “I don’t like anything, give me the phone and that’s it,” this is already a sign of addiction. Problems arise with motivation, contact, and trust. Everything focuses around one theme.

Usually, if a child’s passion is creative, then discipline improves, he is more successful in other places, composure and maturity appear. And here is a detached face. These glassy eyes are familiar to many parents: “You can’t beat me, you don’t know anything about me, you don’t understand me.”

— Approximately how many children, according to your estimates, are now in this condition?

— According to my feelings, at least 60%.

— Do you know of any creative attempts by parents to combat this? For example, I know the story of a dad who secretly paid money to his son’s gamer friends to ruin his game. He eventually became uninterested and stopped playing.

- Yes, it was in China.

The mother of one girl, who was very interested in YouTube, suggested that her daughter not wash the dishes, but shoot a video of Masha washing the dishes. And the girl joined in: “Now I’ll tell my subscribers how we wash the dishes.” Quite a creative approach.

In general, they usually try to simply ban it. One boy sat on his phone and became interested in betting in bookmakers at the age of 12. Dad even got inspired: “It develops the intellect.” After a month of this activity, the son swore at his dad and threw a tantrum at him, he took the phone away and won’t give it to him anymore.

As parents, we are faced with a new phenomenon, and our attitude has not yet been formed. A gadget is not just a toy, it’s like a chainsaw, conditionally, it’s both a useful thing and a dangerous one. To use it, you must first develop certain skills. A child cannot yet develop them on his own; a competent adult is needed.

Show the consequences of stealing

Another method is not to tell, but to show specific examples of what can happen if a child is caught stealing. If your teenager took money or some things from you, some parents recommend calling the police and making a “mock” arrest so that the police officer explains to the child what the consequences may be and how his whole life will change. This tactic may seem extreme, and it is only suitable if the theft affects you directly, because then it is up to you to decide whether to contact the police. However, there is a plus - this method can frighten a teenager so much that he will never want to steal again. Consider whether this approach is appropriate for your particular situation.

Spend more time with your teenager

If theft is an attempt to attract attention, the situation should under no circumstances be ignored. Try to spend time with your teenager on a regular basis, demonstrate that you care about him. Invite him to do something together - choose something that really interests him, for example, go to a concert of his favorite band. In such a situation, you can discuss awkward questions and topics that cause discomfort. Reassure your teen that there is no reason to be shy and that stealing is not an option. Explain that you can always turn to you for help and that condoms and other types of contraception are not something to start stealing over.