When a couple has a baby, parents often imagine what a wonderful relationship they will have in the future. But, unfortunately, it often happens that a grown child treats his parents with disrespect. Why is this happening? After all, mom and dad want the best for their son or daughter, try to make their life easy and comfortable, give their last, sacrificing personal time and their own desires.
Psychologists believe that parents who have made serious mistakes since the baby’s birth are to blame for the disrespectful attitude.
A child is not a flower under a hood
Parents have a strong love for their babies, especially when they obey. A young woman hugs her daughter, and she clings tightly to her mother. The father drops off his little son, and the boy then hugs and kisses him. But for parents, as a rule, the vital needs of their children come first. Children must be fed, clothed, shod, sleep in a warm bed, have the necessary toys, and live in safety. But for some reason many parents forget about the need for emotions and love.
Instead of warm feelings, adults show overprotection, which interferes with the normal development of a little person.
The child stops listening to his own feelings. He thinks that nothing depends on his actions and desires anyway. Psychologists say that in this case the little person can either rebel or resign himself. The first option is the most acceptable, but humility is the worst thing that can happen. Adults take care of their son or daughter and do not allow them to show responsibility. Boys and girls grow up infantile, unable to make their own decisions. At the same time, parents overload themselves with responsibilities and expect gratitude from their children. And this continues throughout life, regardless of whether the child is a small child or has long since become an adult.
Toddlers are much easier to control, but time flies and parents begin to realize that teenage children are out of control. To maintain authority, adults constantly criticize the teenager, impose their own opinions, and introduce new prohibitions. When a boy or girl needs the support and help of mom and dad, they in every possible way hinder the development and formation of children as individuals. As a result, a person grows up without realizing his capabilities, without the skills to make his own decisions. He is not responsible for his life, because the entire burden lies on the shoulders of his parents.
What is respect
We intuitively feel the difference between love and respect, although it can be difficult to explain. Respect is a very important component of any close relationship. For a relationship to be kind, comfortable and “nourishing”, it should be about half love and respect, psychologists say. And this applies 100% to parent-child connections.
Love is a deep feeling of sympathy and affection. We can say that love is born in the heart, and we can hardly control it - on the contrary, it often guides us.
Respect is a special attitude towards another person: we see him as a separate valuable being, endowed with dignity and freedom. Respect lives, rather, in the mind; justice, adherence to rules and boundaries, and attention to the interests of another person are important to it. This is also a very deep and ancient feeling, it is characteristic even of animals, just like love.
If there is a lot of love and little respect in a relationship, we treat a person like a toy, we try to appropriate him and control him: we can squeeze him, interrupt his activities without asking, and do not attach importance to his requests and desires.
If, on the contrary, there is a lot of respect and little love, the soul leaves such relationships, they become dry and formal.
What awaits such children in the future?
Svetlana, mother of 26-year-old Yegor and 30-year-old Elena:
“We have always tried to make children's lives the best they can be. They forgot about themselves so that their daughter and son had everything they wanted. Sometimes I had to deny myself the most basic things in order to buy fashionable clothes for my children or pay for a trip to the sea. Then I studied at the university, and I needed even more money. I was proud that my children were receiving a higher education, and with any conflict or problem I ran to the dean’s office to sort it out. We tried to resolve all issues for the children so that they would not be distracted from their studies. It’s very painful to realize this now, but my husband and I made a big mistake. The son and daughter never learned to be independent. My husband and I don’t hear any gratitude from them. Only demands for help, but they do nothing for us.”
If something in life comes too easily, it loses value and significance. The person for whom the parents solve all the problems will never tell them: “Thank you.” Moms and dads must understand that responsibility must be taught from early childhood. Of course, parents up to a certain age are responsible for the life and health of their children, but there is no need to control children until old age. Many adults consider their son or daughter to be their continuation, a part of themselves. They do not want to understand that a child is a person with his own individual characteristics, character, and needs.
What can total control on the part of parents lead to? If adults do not respect the child as an individual, serious generational conflicts will inevitably arise. A person grows up, becomes an adult, but mom and dad invade his personal life without asking, give advice, indicate what and how to do. Parents try to do everything so that their son or daughter lives according to their guidelines and rules.
Tatyana, 37 years old:
“My mother taught me all my life how to live. She didn't want to listen to what I was telling her. Only her opinion was considered correct. My mother probably wanted the best for me, but in her opinion, I could live happily only if I completely obeyed her. In adolescence, constant criticism began: I dressed wrong, did my hair wrong, read the wrong books... As a result, I still suffer from a huge number of complexes.”
What can parents' vanity lead to?
The vanity of adults can help children realize themselves in life. But at the same time, parental vanity can ruin the lives of children. The scenarios may be different, but all of them, as a rule, do not make a person happy.
Parents, through their children, try to realize their own ambitions and goals. For example, in his youth, dad dreamed of becoming an artist. He takes his son to art school, forces him to draw, but the boy’s soul is not in this activity. Or the family of teachers does not see their daughter anywhere except in teaching. Although, the girl likes journalism, she wants to write articles and shoot reports. But under parental pressure, she has to enter a pedagogical university and spend her entire life doing something she doesn’t like.
If children stubbornly oppose their parents and try to make their own lives, they will have to listen to how much they disappointed mom and dad. Feeling guilty that you have disappointed your loved ones is a very serious, in some cases, even an unbearable burden for every person.
The child still achieved success in life, despite the fact that his parents did not approve of his attitudes and aspirations. But mom and dad are not proud of their son/daughter’s achievements; on the contrary, they mock and criticize his life in every possible way. In such cases, relationships between generations deteriorate or cease altogether.
Good parents do not impose their point of view and do not come up with a future life scenario for their children.
They teach their sons and daughters to make decisions on their own, while children should know that their parents will always support them in any endeavor. Mom and dad should see the child as a person, not property, with whom they can do whatever they want.
Crimes against parents
Disrespect for parents is disgusting. It is unacceptable for conscientious, God-fearing, pious people who follow the path of truth. No one is so far from good as one who shows disrespect to his parents. He is the closest to punishment. Evil befalls him earlier than anyone else.
Disrespect for parents can be expressed in various forms and actions. We will present the most frequent and widespread acts, each of which is a crime against parents.
1. Bringing parents to tears and sadness with your words, actions or in any other way.
2. Yelling at them. That is, addressing them in a raised voice or using rude words. The Almighty said (meaning): “Do not shout at them and address them with respect” (Quran, 17:23).
3. Expressing your irritation and disgust. Many people, having received an assignment from their parents, utter exclamations of annoyance such as “eh” and “oh” before carrying out it. The Almighty said: “...and do not say to them: “Oof!”” (Quran, 17:23).
4. Frowning and sullenness in their presence. Some people can be seen happy and smiling when they are present in a public place. There they demonstrate good character and choose the nicest words. However, when they come home and sit next to their parents, they turn into angry lions, not paying attention to anything. Their condition changes: softness and condescension disappear, and they are replaced by severity, callousness and rudeness.
5. An unkind glance in their direction. By looking at parents with disdain or raising his head, a person commits a sin. Mu'awiyah ibn Ishaq said: "The one who looked askance at him did not show respect to his parent."
6. Commanding parents. As, for example, when someone tells his mother to sweep the house or wash clothes or cook food. It is especially unacceptable to allow this to happen to an old, weak or sick mother.
If the mother does all these things voluntarily, if she herself likes to do this and at the same time she has energy and is not subject to weakness, then there will be nothing wrong with it. However, you definitely need to thank her and pray for her.
7. Dissatisfaction with the food that the mother prepared. By allowing this, a person commits two sins. The first is blaming food, which is not allowed. The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never criticized food. If he liked the food, he ate it; if he didn’t like it, he didn’t eat it. The second sin is upsetting the mother.
8. Failure to provide assistance to the mother in housework: cleaning the house, preparing food, etc.
Some sons (may Allah guide them!) feel that by helping their mother around the house, they are harming their manhood. Moreover, there are also daughters (may Allah correct them!) who can watch their mother work around the house, and at the same time do not provide her with any help. They can talk on the phone for a long time with their friends, leaving their mother without help, thereby causing her a double insult.
9. Looking away from them when they speak. This also includes: inattention to parents, interrupting them, challenging their words, rudely objecting to them and bickering. Such actions greatly diminish the status of parents in their own eyes.
10. Rejection of their opinion. Some people do not consult with their parents, do not ask their permission in any matter, even when they decide to get married, divorce, or change their place of residence.
11. Entering them without asking permission. Perhaps the parent is in a state in which he would not like to appear in front of someone.
12. Creating problems in their presence. These could be scandals and quarrels with brothers, with a spouse, with children, or with someone else.
13. Blaming parents publicly and mentioning their shortcomings.
14. Swearing and cursing at parents. This is a sin, even if a person becomes only the cause of this. For example: if he insults someone's parents, and their children begin to insult his parents in retaliation. It is reported from the words of 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr (may Allah be pleased with him!) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “One of the grave sins is reproaching one’s parents.” They said to him: “Is it really possible for a person to insult his parents?” He replied: “Yes. When he scolds another person's father, and the other person scolds his father in return. Or when he scolds the mother of another, and he scolds his mother in return” ( al-Bukhari and Muslim ).
15. Keeping bad and harmful things in the house. For example, when a person brings into the house objects intended for vicious entertainment, which leads to the degradation of his personality, as well as the degradation of his brothers and the rest of the household. The moral decay of children and families is undoubtedly grief and misfortune for parents.
16. Committing bad deeds in front of parents. For example, smoking in the presence of parents; listening to music; missing obligatory prayer due to sleep; refusal to wake up when they do; inviting bad friends to your home. All this is evidence of stubborn disrespect for parents.
17. Damaging the reputation of parents. By committing bad and base acts with which a person stains his honor, he deprives himself of decency, brings shame on himself and can even bring himself to prison. His criminal acts undoubtedly cause them grief, sadness, humiliation and shame.
18. Burden of parents. As in the case of someone who does not pay off his debts, or drives a car roughly, or behaves badly at school or university, causing his parents to be bothered.
19. Long absence from home. This act makes parents worry and fear for their child. In addition, they may need help, and during his absence they will not find someone who would help them.
20. Burdening them with numerous requests. There are people who burden their parents with many demands, even if the parents have limited funds. You can see how a son pesters his parents, demanding to buy him a car or marry him, or give him a new home, or begs them for a lot of money in order to spend time with his friends and peers.
21. Preference for wife over parents. Some people listen to their wives first rather than their parents. If a wife demands from such a husband that he kicks out his parents, then he will kick them out, even if his parents have nowhere to live. One can notice how some sons excessively demonstrate their love for their wife to their parents and at the same time show rudeness towards their parents and do not respect their rights.
22. Distance from them when they reach old age or are in need. Some children, having become adults and having acquired a profession that provides them with sufficient income, become alienated from their parents and focus only on themselves.
23. Detachment from them, reluctance to mention them and count oneself among them. This is one of the most disgusting forms of disrespect for parents. Some children, having reached a certain social status or taken a high position, renounce their parents and are even ashamed that their parents, who have an unsightly appearance, live in the same house with them. Some, ashamed of their parents, do not allow their names to be mentioned at weddings and events. By doing this, a person undoubtedly proves his baseness, stupidity, insignificance and heartlessness. A generous and self-respecting person is proud of his roots and origins. A noble man never forgets the kindness shown to him.
24. Beating parents. Such an act can only be committed by a nasty and heartless person, devoid of a sense of mercy and shame. He has no decency, no dignity, no valor.
25. Placement of parents in nursing homes. This act is the ultimate in disgust and meanness. It is so terrible that your body is covered with goosebumps and your hair stands on end. Whoever committed this crime has no good at all.
26. Termination of relations with parents because they commit sins, as well as failure to show kindness to them because of this and failure to admonish them. This is a mistake and absurdity. Respect for parents is mandatory, even if they are non-believers, not to mention if they are Muslims and simply commit some sins.
27. Greed and excessive saving in relation to them. There are people who skimp on the needs of their parents and avoid spending on them in every possible way. It even happens that parents are in need, but the children do not attach any importance to this and do nothing.
28. Reproaching parents for their good deeds. It happens that a person behaves well with his parents, but later he himself destroys his virtue, allowing himself to reproach his parents, reminding them of his good deeds towards them.
29. Stealing from parents. There are two crimes in this act: theft and disrespect for parents.
One of the ways of stealing is treachery towards parents. Like, for example, when someone borrows from his parents and does not intend to repay the debt in advance.
30. Moaning and expressing your suffering in their presence. This is one of the most hidden forms of disrespect for parents. Parents, especially the mother, feel anxious about their child’s troubles, feel his pain, and perhaps even more than he does.
31. Emigration away from parents without their permission and unless absolutely necessary.
Some sons do not understand the consequences of living away from their parents. They seek to leave the country and move away from their parents without their permission and unnecessarily. They may, for example, go to another city to get an education, whereas the same education can be obtained in the city where his parents live. Some people leave for no reason at all. They do not understand that because of their distance, the hearts of their parents are filled with sorrow and longing. But it may happen that one of his parents dies while he is away from them without permission. In this case, he will not be able to fulfill his duty towards his parents. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with going on a long trip if there is a need and parental permission.
32. The desire for their speedy death. Some children wish their parents would die quickly, in order to receive their inheritance if the parents are rich, or to get rid of them if they are poor and sick, or to be saved from their control and supervision and be able to continue living in sin and ignorance.
May Allah help us to avoid all of the above and be grateful to our parents.
(This article is based on the work of Sheikh Muhammad al-Hamad .)
No. 19 dated May 15, 2015
What to do if children do not respect their parents?
Whatever the reason for the disrespectful attitude, it is important for parents to recognize their own mistakes and try to correct them. To do this, you need, first of all, to talk frankly with your son/daughter. Let each side calmly talk about their expectations, desires, and grievances. After all, parents and children love each other, but mutual misunderstanding prevents them from splashing out emotions and feelings. Parents who respect their children’s choices, support them, and rejoice in their successes will certainly be respected by their sons and daughters.
The conflict of generations is inevitable, because at all times children and parents had different points of view on many things. But in a relationship, mutual respect is of great importance. Respect your children's opinions, even if you think they are absurd.
Lilia, 29 years old:
“I am grateful to my mom and dad for always loving me and giving me complete freedom of choice. At the same time, I knew for sure that they trusted me. In our family, everything was built on love and trust. There were times when we could not buy groceries, but I understood that my parents had financial difficulties and did not demand new things or gadgets. During the period when dad began to earn well, I also did not ask for expensive gifts, but I was always grateful if they bought me something. Material values are not the most important thing; it is much more important to feel that there are loving and understanding people nearby. When I said that I wanted to become a surgeon, my parents did not dissuade me. At the family council it was decided that I would go to medical university, and then I would decide on the direction of my professional activity. Now I work as an obstetrician-gynecologist, but I changed my mind about being a surgeon. I have my own family, but with my mom and dad we maintain the kindest and warmest relationships.”
To maintain respect between parents and children, it is important to give thanks rather than demand.
Take a step towards each other so that in the future your relationship will be warm, friendly and sincere. leave a comment
How does children's disrespect manifest itself?
Children's disrespect can manifest itself in different ways, but most often it is expressed in:
- refusal to do housework;
- conscious damage to interior items;
- stealing money from a parent's wallet;
- organizing parties in the absence of parents and without asking permission;
- insulting parents and using profanity in their presence;
- interference in the personal life of parents.
If you notice that your child demonstrates at least a couple of the above factors, you can be sure that some of the blame for what is happening lies on your shoulders.
