Lovely

Why do you have doubts in relationships?

A woman is pushed to heavy thoughts by a number of events occurring against the backdrop of her relationship with her partner:

it seems to her that the man does not love her, but whiles away the time next to her, waiting for a magical feeling that will fall on her head;
she sympathizes with her partner, but is not sure that this is love;
annoying habits of a man, which can become destructive for the family;
I'm scared to be alone, but I have no desire to live together for many years.

When a relationship lasts long enough, passionate feelings subside, the naive girl thinks that love has passed, but she is mistaken. This is a common situation. Passion and awe cannot always be at the same level - they are modified into a deep connection based on respect, tenderness, friendship and devotion.

Doubts do not arise immediately...

When we meet a man, we have no doubts. Even when they appear, they can be drowned out by the man’s very cool attitude towards you. And then you got dizzy, you went into the story of merging with him - that’s it, there’s no doubt about it. I described a story when a woman noted to herself that the man in front of her was a “morel,” but entered into a relationship with him. At one point, because of his attentive and caring attitude towards her, her doubts went away. But when the story of love and merger ended, these doubts returned.

There is another moment when you enter into a relationship with a man without any doubts, you literally plop into this water. But then you hesitate: “Do you need this? Can you? Is this a normal relationship?

What to do if a girl doubts feelings and relationships

When a guy loves, wants a family and children, he does not understand what to do if a girl doubts the relationship, although she makes every effort.

Psychologists recommend the following behavior model:

do not force events;
if questions about the nature of doubts are perceived with hostility by a friend, there is no need to repeat attempts: the girl reacts impulsively, since she herself does not know the answers, she only feels discomfort;
not to control her every step, not to carry out surveillance, in the hope of catching her beloved with another man;
support the girl by temporarily switching to the status of a friend, but meeting regularly, organizing trips to the cinema, theater, and walks, so as not to interrupt communication.

A man needs to solve the problem of his own unfulfilled hopes if the girl wants to finally break off the relationship.

When do doubts arise?

Doubts always appear the moment you come out of the story of merging with a man.

While you are merging with a man, you have the vibrations of a contented child: as if you are with your mother, who pays maximum attention to you, is playing and everything is cool. A man calls you, is interested, shows signs of attention, everything is great and wonderful with you.

Then something starts to go wrong. One of the partners, you or the man, begins to exit the merger first. If you “get enough” faster than a man, and start moving away from him, then doubts arise. What do you mean you've eaten? It depends on the psyche. There is an emotionally dependent person who needs a break: get out of the merger, rest a little and come back in again. And there are those who are emotionally dependent, but not with the goal of being with the object, but with the goal of digesting it and spitting it out. This consumer attitude is similar to the attitude towards food: we start to eat, at first it tastes good to us, we admire it, savor the dish, we fill ourselves up, digest it and... We throw it out of the opposite hole. And we don’t need what comes out of there. Some women have this mental structure.

When they enter into a relationship with a man, they make him fall in love with them. And when a man becomes what a woman wants to see him (she has digested him), then he becomes unnecessary to her and ceases to be interesting.

This structure of a dependent person, who treats a person as an object, as food, is purely consumerist. He eats up this love, and when he begins to see a real person, with his weakness, immaturity, lack of masculinity, it becomes not interesting to be with him. Then doubts arise: “Do we even need such a person?”

Either you “get enough” of a man, or he gets enough of you...

Doubts also arise when a man is involved in this process. We got stuck, we became what a man wants to see us and he became uninterested, he overcooked us. We, faced with such an attitude towards ourselves, begin to suffer. And when we begin to suffer, from merging and falling in love we end up in other feelings, in a zone of discomfort, where we are not loved and treated as if we were a digested part of ourselves. We begin to receive pain and suffering from such a man’s attitude towards us. And then doubts also appear:

“With this attitude towards us, can we continue to live with him?”

My dears, doubts appear either when a man has overcooked us, and we are faced with a certain attitude towards us. Either we have overcooked the man and see all his shortcomings. It is not necessarily just the process of digestion that contributes to doubt. Any exit from the merger leads to doubts. Merging - I love it! The way out of the merger is doubt. And sometimes doubts appear so that there is a reason for distancing. Because, by definition, you cannot stay in a merger for long.

Doubts are a wave-like thing, they appear and then disappear. Because, being in a relationship with a partner, we then enter into a merging relationship, then exit, then enter, then exit. And here it all depends on which of you gets tired of the merger faster. But it’s impossible to stay in it all the time; someone starts to crawl away first.

You begin to see a man with all his characteristics and weaknesses. And the man begins to see you as somehow different, weak, stuck, etc. He stops respecting you.

Doubts are an inevitable companion of all addicted people. If you have doubts in your relationship, it is first of all to say that you are emotionally dependent, you have not gone through your childhood history, you have not separated from your mother, you have not become an internal adult, and you are not in a relationship from an adult position.

How to overcome doubts in relationships

A doubting girl is a person who cannot make a decision. This situation burdens not only the partner, but also herself. The faster it is determined, the less time and effort will be wasted. Signs of indecision in a relationship are a reason to seek advice from a psychologist.

Gain confidence

Doubts will not disappear if you keep them to yourself - that's what relationships are for. Try:

enter into an open dialogue with your partner, discuss your concerns;
enlist the support of a friend, but his promises must be voluntary, and not received out of pity;
work out ways out of this situation in pairs: plan your free time for relaxation together so that no one can interfere with you;
encourage your partner for his efforts in the fight against your complexes and help him in every possible way.

The main thing is to perceive life realistically and not fantasize negative events that give rise to doubts and uncertainty.

Clear your doubts

It is important to rethink your own reactions to what is happening:

do not accumulate bad thoughts in an incomprehensible situation (why he doesn’t answer the phone, why he agreed to a long business trip) - there is an explanation for everything;
analyze events that cause concern, how often they occur: if this is a system, then doubts are not groundless;
the reason to doubt is supported by facts, and not a figment of the imagination of anxious thoughts.

If your intuition is correct, to continue the relationship you need to accept all the unpleasant moments and not be upset anymore. Otherwise, separation is inevitable.

Think Positively

It is possible to stop destruction by your own thoughts through constant self-control.

Here are some exercises for auto-training:

If you feel insecure about your partner, record this moment.
Spend a few minutes doing breathing exercises - inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth.
Scroll the thought in your head several times without switching to other topics.

Regular training will help you avoid psychological stress caused by doubts. During this period, it is better not to consult with family and friends on exciting topics: people have different opinions, upon hearing which an insecure person will begin to doubt more than before.

Problem #1. Feelings have cooled

What exactly we feel for our partner depends not only on the strength of love, but also on the stage of the relationship.
At the beginning of falling in love, our levels of sex hormones, stress hormones and the neurotransmitter dopamine increase sharply, and serotonin, on the contrary, decreases - so we do not want to part with our lover even for a minute and constantly think about him. At the same time, the activity of the amygdala and hippocampus decreases, which interferes with critical perception. Then the activity of the logical part of the brain and the level of hormones and neurotransmitters are restored, and oxytocin and vasopressin come into play. If we translate from the language of neuroscience to the language of love, passion is replaced by affection. Now we notice our partner's shortcomings, worry less when he's not around, and pay attention to the attractiveness of other people. The thought arises: has love left the relationship? In fact, the best is just beginning: the body no longer reacts to its partner with increased cortisol and decreased serotonin, and love finally protects against stress rather than causing it. If you are in doubt because the feelings have become less intense, try:

Accept your partner's imperfect side.
Psychologist Joy Davidson explains that at first we idealize a lover - this is a kind of “honeymoon”. When it passes, we discover shortcomings and decide that the person is “wrong,” sometimes unreasonably. The realization that with no partner the “honeymoon” will last forever and no person will be perfect will allow you to build long and close relationships.
Focus on friendship. If passionate love - both the intensity of feelings and sexual activity - can subside over time, then time only strengthens companionate love. Connections based on friendship, comfort, and shared interests last longer and are more satisfying. Companionship and passion are not that far apart—attraction and attachment originate in the same parts of the brain, so stimulating one type of love also activates the other.

Is it worth continuing a relationship if there are doubts?

Breaking a long-term relationship is difficult, but sometimes you have to do it if a girl has doubts about the relationship. Before you slam the door forever, perform one last experiment:

Write a message to your man reflecting all the negative aspects that have been eating you up lately. Pretend that you sent it to the recipient. Think about whether it has become easier or whether you still want to leave.
Offer yourself a pause of a month to six months to make a final decision, and during this time do not load your head with thoughts of a breakup.

If you like your partner alone and in company, it is too early to leave him under the influence of emotions. Reformat the relationship from lovingly enthusiastic to meaningful and do not stop talking to each other so that blank spots of understatement do not appear between you.

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Problem #2. Partner is not perfect

If you've ever used Tinder, you know that you can swipe potential partners endlessly and every time it seems that the next one will definitely be “the one.” Even if you are not a fan of dating and have never used such services, this mindset still affects your relationship - because we live in an era of emotional capitalism and perceive love as an investment that needs to be managed well.

Scientists have found that expectations from marriage are higher than ever, as is dissatisfaction with it, and call this “all or nothing” thinking. It's no wonder that trying to find "the one" person causes anxiety - because we refuse other options, and the choice is still not ideal. Increasingly, we prefer not to make a choice at all - like the engineer from San Francisco who went on 150 dates on Tinder, trying to find “the one”, but never got beyond a couple of dates with any girl.

If you're not sure you've found the best option, try:

Give the relationship six months.
Stracey Wochner, a psychotherapist who treats people with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, suggests delaying the decision to end or stay in a relationship for six months—or at least one month if six seems too long. The more we doubt and try to gain confidence, the more confused we become in our feelings, says the psychotherapist. That’s why it’s worth giving yourself time to just meet the person and not think about the solution - as soon as you stop painfully searching for the answer, it will come on its own.
Create common goals.
It is believed that those who have similar habits and interests are happy in love, and their absence leads to the idea that the partner is not suitable for us. In fact, common values and goals are more important: religion and cultural traditions, the desire to raise happy children or save money for a house. “You can work together to set goals for one year, five years, or even 10 or 20 years,” says psychologist Stephanie Sarkis. “Working on something together strengthens your bond.”

Different psychological distance

Sometimes one partner wants to do everything together, share common interests, calls when the second is late at work, etc. And the second, on the contrary, needs silence, personal space, sometimes he needs to be alone.

One, after a month of communication, is already making plans for a life together and is ready to move in together, while the other has not even thought about it yet.

This happens not because one loves, and the other is not sure of his feelings, it’s just that the partners:

different degrees of trust in people;
different speed of approaching another person;
different types of psychological attachment.

Because of this, conflicts often arise. One is constantly jealous and offended, and the second feels like he is being “strangled” and his freedom is being limited.

To cope with this problem, you need to recognize it as a fact - you are different and you have different psychological distances, you move at different speeds.

You need to understand your needs and the man's needs, and together you must come to an acceptable pace of rapprochement.

Different ways to show your feelings

Photo by Andres Ayrton: Pexels
Many women come to a psychotherapist with the request that a man does not love them, does not appreciate them, does not understand them, and does not show enough attention. This behavior is often interpreted by a woman as “He doesn’t love me.”

This problem arises because a man loves, but expresses it in other ways. And this is due not only to gender differences in upbringing, but also to what language of love was accepted in his family. For example, in a woman’s family it was customary to confess her love with words, give compliments and gifts.

And she expects the same from a man. However, his family accepted other ways to express feelings, such as hugs, help, time spent together.

To deal with the problem, you need:

understand what ways of expressing love were accepted in your family;
tell a man what you want from him and why it is important to you - sometimes you need to directly tell him to give you flowers more often, because he may not even realize that you need it;
analyze your relationship and understand what methods he uses to convey his feelings - this could be attention, time, material assistance, protection, gifts, support, physical contact, specific actions, etc.;
learn to “speak” with a man and in his love language - after all, it is possible that just as you do not understand his ways of expressing feelings, he does not understand yours.