“Mom is sacred.” Why it's okay not to love your parents

Why don't children have to love their parents?

Children don't owe their parents anything. Being born is not a choice, but giving birth is. When adults decide to have a child, they take on the responsibility to invest resources in it, including emotional ones - to love, accept, respect and care. They are adults and can make a choice, that is, love and show this love so that the child knows about it.

Most likely, if the parents treat the child this way, he will also sincerely love them. Then it won’t even occur to him that he “should love,” because it will happen naturally. But even complete dedication does not guarantee that loving relationships will be built in the family: this is influenced by many factors.

Is the child a pet?

- From the outside, our family looks great, especially when visiting - mommy and daddy are just a picture: so caring, blah blah blah, son, darling. In fact, this is a show, just like their own relationship: at home, all they do is yell at each other and at me too.

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Until the evening, while I’m alone, it’s fine at home. But they come home from work and all hell breaks loose: right from the door they are looking for something to dig into. No matter what I do to gain the love of my parents, they only need one thing: “It would be better if you did your homework and cleaned your room!”

For example, I sit in the room and don’t bother anyone. Father comes in. He stands there, looking for something to grab onto. If I’m sitting at the computer, it’s bad: “Why are you staring at the monitor, hunched over, you’re covered in honey, you’ll soon go blind!” If I’m walking with friends, it’s bad: “Why are you hanging around on the street!” If I watch TV, it’s basically death, but all they do is come home from work and stare at the TV until they go to bed.

If I’m sitting, studying my lessons, and everything in the room is licked, this is also not a reason for a kind word. There will always be something to call me an ungrateful pig for: I folded my bag wrong, put my sweater in the wrong place, didn’t wash my cup, don’t study well enough. And generally a complete moron. What to be grateful for? Because they constantly yell at me, humiliate me, mix me with dirt?

I made a list of phrases they use to communicate with me: “Wash the dishes!”, “Clean up the room,” “Clean up the closet, you always have a mess!”, “Do your homework!”, “Go to bed!”, “Get out.” from the computer!”, “Go to the store!”, “The way you talk!”, “You’re nobody!”

There is only one answer to any objections: “As long as you live on our money and in our apartment, you will do what we tell you.” Is this really what parents should tell their child? And for me, it’s just stupid blackmail. How prison turns out: I have no choice and no way out.

They constantly rip my brains out, shout at me and do everything to make me feel inferior and guilty of something. They have problems at work and they take it out on me. Problems among themselves - they yell at me again. It seems to me that the only thing that unites them is anger towards me, because in this they are unanimous. If one yells, then the second one comes running to help and never figures out what happened, I’m always to blame for everything.

They are not interested in anything about me except what grades I got in school. They don’t know what I like and don’t like, how I live. The theater studio where I study is considered a waste of time. I come home from rehearsals and all I hear is: “The actor from the burnt theater has arrived!”

They only “love” me as long as I do what they want. And this is unrealistic, I am not a wind-up toy, not a robot who, at the first order, runs to do what he was told. But my parents don't even consider me human. This is how they get a pet: they seem to love it, but it has no rights. It should just sit and be glad that it is fed and not thrown out into the street.

How does love arise between parents and children?

It is believed that parent-child love is unconditional. That it is born at the moment the child is born and continues throughout life.

If we talk about the norm, for the first time after birth the child is constantly close to his parents, especially his mother. She satisfies his needs: feeds him, hugs him, helps him fall asleep, washes him, calms him down. A secure attachment is formed: the child reaches out to his mother and shows love.

But the appearance and retention of love largely depends on the parents.

What problems arise?

The main problems with parents in adult children that can cause negative feelings (usually less intense than hatred and expressed hostility):

1. Parents treat an adult child like a small child and interfere too much in his life. This is most relevant in cases where the child was overprotected in the family.
   His mother and father, who did everything for him, made decisions for him and felt absolute power, are faced with circumstances in which he does not need them. Firstly, this leads to a crisis, parents feel that they have grown old, that most of their life has passed, they feel fear, and secondly, they do not like that they have lost control. In some cases, parents do not even fully realize that their children have entered an independent life and do not need an excessive amount of help. They impose themselves, give inappropriate advice, get angry, judge, press for pity, blackmail, and the grown-up child begins to feel irritated and angry.
2. The parent develops age-related pathologies that negatively affect his character and personality. Discirculatory encephalopathy, consequences of stroke and other vascular problems, depression, Alzheimer's disease, hypochondria can seriously change the personality of an elderly parent, make his decisions and behavior illogical, inadequate, and complicate interaction with him. It is important for children caring for their parents to be aware of their illnesses and how they affect their personality.

Also, negative feelings may arise towards parents who have serious pathological addictions (gambling addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction).

What prevents a child from loving his parents?

Inconsistent reactions

For example, when the mother does not come to the child’s cry every time or often screams in response. When she can caress you today and hit you tomorrow. In such a situation, the child does not feel safe. He may act distant or display his feelings inconsistently. Is it easy to love an abrasive or emotionally unavailable parent? Most often not.

Lack of attention

For example, a child is “handed over” to his grandparents. Can a child fall in love with someone who does not spend time with him, whom he does not know at all? This is unlikely because love comes from recognition. But it’s quite possible to continue dreaming about this love, waiting and inventing it. Then it will be love not for a real person, but for a fantasy of parental love and a parent.

Physical and emotional abuse

Can a child continue to love someone who, year after year, destroys you and makes you experience unimaginable pain? Can a child even know how to love if he has not been loved? It's very hard.

Run away from home so as not to see them

— I ran away from home a year ago. My father, in principle, hates me throughout his life without any reason, I was just not born the way he dreamed: a real man should love hunting and fishing, but I love cinema and theater, so I am considered a degenerate and a renegade.

That day, my father came home from work, clearly in a bad mood, sat watching TV, and I was walking with tea, tripped and spilled it on the carpet. It’s even somehow embarrassing to say that because of such nonsense, such a mess turned out to be. He jumped up, slapped me in the face and began yelling that I could only ruin everything, you couldn’t save me, I was a complete freak and it would be better if I died. And this is if you don’t remember the obscene expressions.

I couldn’t stand it and started snapping. Mom came running from the kitchen and, understandably, began yelling at me along with him - about how unfinished and ungrateful I was, my father was making fun of me, and I was a pig. I started grunting - well, if it’s a pig, then it’s a pig. My father started to fight, I fought back, he broke my nose - in general, the ideal poster family.

When the bleeding stopped, I packed a backpack with things, I had some money - they gave it to me for my birthday. In the morning they left for work before me, I took some food from the refrigerator and went to school. There I told my best friend everything, he supported me, brought me food. Well, they tracked me down through him, even though he wasn’t guilty and didn’t say anything to anyone.

I spent the night in the basement. I knew this place for a long time; guys usually hang out there in the winter, but in the spring there is no one. During the day, I usually walked the streets, sat in the library or in the shopping center - it’s not dangerous there. And at the station, for example, they can only sweep it this way, there are a lot of street children going there.

Of course, I didn’t go to school—not because I wanted to skip school, but because my parents went there first. The funny thing is that they were so afraid that they would be considered bad parents that they came up with some stupid story about me getting involved with a bad one. Although my classmates knew the truth, no one told my parents or teachers anything.

After school during the day I went to my friends, washed with them, ate, and in the evening I went to the basement again. At least I felt like a human being. Maybe this is how people become homeless - from their “loving” mom and dad?

Well, then they tracked me down and begged me to come home. And for a whole week there was peace and grace, only very quickly my escape became another reason for ridicule: “What, did you run far, you rogue? Without your parents, you are nothing, and there is no way to call you!” And they didn't even think about why I did it.

And don’t be surprised later that children commit suicide, and their parents make angelic faces after that - we loved him so much, we don’t know what could have happened.

I'm planning to run away again this summer. My friend’s parents in another city are leaving to work abroad, he will live alone, I’ll go to him. My parents don't know about him. I don't care how they feel. Because they don't care how I feel.

I'm just waiting for me to finish school. Of course, I want to go to university, but only on an evening or part-time basis, so I can go to work, rent a room and leave them.

How to stop feeling guilty for not loving your parents?

A child is often told that he should thank his parents for his birth. And this gratitude must be shown through care, respect, communication. But if the parents’ relationship with the child is manipulative and traumatic, he will do this not out of love, but out of guilt and shame.

It is easier to continue to experience pain from communicating with your mother than to break off the relationship and face the condemnation of others. Especially for someone who has lived in condemnation and rejection all his life.

A child is ready to love from birth. Abandoning parents is a very difficult step for every person. And if he decided to do this, then there is a good reason and choice in favor of mental and physical health.

I think every person has the right to choose not to experience pain. Sometimes the price is ending the relationship with the one who causes this pain.

To cope with feelings of guilt, you need to understand where it comes from. For example, parents and others imposed that love for parents is unconditional and undeniable. A person may feel like he is bad or abnormal if he does not feel warm feelings or does not want to help his parents. Each such case is individual, and it is better to discuss painful moments in relationships with parents with a psychologist.

Examples from classic works about tyrant parents

In Theodore Dreiser's An American Tragedy, the main character, Clyde Griffiths, had strict and pious parents who lived on income from their parish. They gave their children a religious upbringing, so Clyde ran away from home to escape this hell. Then his life might not have turned out so badly if not for a cruel fate.

It happens that children, offended by their parents, successfully arrange their lives, while others are haunted by failures; one can only sympathize with them. So, Clyde Griffiths went to the electric chair.

The works of Honoré de Balzac are also considered classics; here we can recall the famous novel “Eugenie Grande”. Her father was a true miser who saved every cent for his wife and daughter.

Subject:

• Parents and children

Parents' sacrifices

In some cases, children do not love their parents, since they are their real victims. This usually occurs in cases of child abuse. The mother or father may exert psychological or physical pressure on the children.

All this is very traumatic for the child and causes him great harm. In fact, it leaves scars on the soul that prevent them from developing a healthy emotional connection with their parents.

When a child sees an aggressor in a loved one, he develops a feeling of hatred. It may be explicit or implicit. Usually children begin to be perplexed and angry. As we grow older, these emotions turn into a very real feeling of rejection. In addition, children may begin to feel guilty.

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Who is guilty?

Parents are usually to blame for the appearance of old grievances in children , since these grievances begin to grow in early childhood due to the incorrect and sometimes toxic behavior of the mother or father.

But looking for someone to blame for more recent conflicts is futile.

It is much more important for parents to realize that their children have grown up and learn to keep their distance from them , and for children to be patient and understand how best to interact with their parents.

How to cope with hatred of your own child? Advice from psychologists will help you!

Mirror reflection

One of the reasons why children don't like their parents may be due to mirroring. This happens when parents do not show enough emotion to express love for their children. Consequently, children begin to feel the same way.

In such cases, attachment limits or blocks their full emotional development. Parents consciously or unconsciously break off relations with their child. In fact, they convey to children the idea that the connection between them should not be emotional, but more functional and practical.

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In this case, the child most likely simply will not learn to express his emotions. In fact, he will express indifference to everyone, since this is exactly what he receives from his parents. In fact, in such families there is love, but at the same time it is restrained.