Love of solitude: why does a person like solitude? is this normal for some people?

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January 25, 2018 - No comments
I open the door to my apartment, no one is home - grace. Silence and tranquility are the other side of what I see outside these walls. Finally you can rest. I love loneliness. It pacifies, and seems to heal from irritation, hostility, and fears that I sometimes experience when being around people. It’s not that I totally despise or dislike everyone, no. I just get tired of people, they are noisy and take up too much of my energy. Everyone needs something from me... But I don’t need anything from them, I can handle everything myself. There are also normal people, but there are so few of them.

Many people advise, looking at my loneliness, to start a family and start living like everyone else. Are they joking? I see how these happy people live together - constant quarrels, hassle, nasty and screaming children. Excuse me, I don’t need such happiness! I am not a masochist, I am not adapted to such strange desires. Relationships with the opposite sex are strictly short-term, because the further they go, the less time I have for privacy, which is important to me. Not everyone can understand this. I have a narrow circle of friends, with whom I enjoy communicating, I have a lot of hobbies, interesting books, films, games. I love it, you could say I have everything. But sometimes loneliness makes you feel sad...

If you partially experience a similar state and it does not allow you to fully experience the joy of living life, then you need to thoroughly understand the reasons for this occurrence.

How does loneliness affect a person with a visual vector?

Loneliness is incomprehensible to the owner of the visual vector.
It is frightening, disorienting, because this is an extrovert who strives to constantly be close to other people. Having experienced more than one breakup or bereavement, a naturally sensitive person with a visual vector can harden his soul and become indifferent to others. This condition affects the quality of life; a person is not able to rejoice, cry, love, or have compassion. He cannot build real relationships, establish emotional connections. People with a visual vector in certain states love to go to psychics, fortune tellers, magicians and astrologers, believing in black magic, the evil eye, damage, vows of celibacy and other esoteric nonsense. In fact, their loneliness is a traumatic consequence of bereavement and fear of mental pain.

A lonely owner of a visual vector, emotionally unstable, often haunted by phobias and panic attacks, he is always in search of self-love. He is completely filled with longing for real feelings - the kind that lift him to seventh heaven with happiness. And he will talk about this constantly. But he is in a state of fear, not love.

If a person’s soul has become completely hardened, his natural desires to establish connections with other people seem to have died. He will live alone, surrounded by cats and flowers, because for him they are better than people. In this case, he will never be able to experience the entire possible range of feelings of the visual vector.

How tired everyone is, leave me alone!

How tired everyone is, leave me alone! The only one who strives for solitude and dreams of it is the owner of the sound vector. Night, silence, the search for the meaning of life - that's all you need for happiness. And people seem too loud, annoying, stupid.

The owner of the sound vector lives every day with a global unconscious question that moves him along the road of life: “Why am I living? What is my point? And it is this internal search that affects the quality of life of a person with a sound vector.

The deepest egocentrics with bottomless abstract intelligence, without realizing which, they sink to the bottom of this very life. Drugs, depression, alcohol, suicide. The owner of the sound vector in a state of depression can die silently without warning and without a scene. He doesn't care about people at all. This will be an act of resistance to God, a reckoning with a higher power.

Taking his own life, the sound artist does not know how much he is mistaken, hoping to free himself from this “pathetic” body and gain freedom. He has been deluded all his life, looking for meaning in himself, and, of course, does not find it. He carries loneliness like a cross, not sharing with anyone, not letting anyone into his world.

However, even these potential geniuses, capable of turning the consciousness of all mankind upside down with one thought, an idea, changing the course of history and technological progress, even they suffer greatly from loneliness. Consciously striving for silence and complete solitude, the sound artist goes crazy, unable to talk about his thoughts, to be understood, without understanding others around him. Mutual misunderstanding leads to complete immersion in oneself, to talking to oneself. The world seems to him like some kind of unreal picture, an illusion. Everything is unreal and everything is meaningless. And then according to the scenario: either replacing the real meaning with the Internet, weed, drugs, alcohol, sects, religions, or a mental hospital, or suicide...

Quiet, unnoticed, in themselves. Frequent signs are headphones, a hood, dark glasses, heavy rock music in the headphones. Maximum isolation from the outside world, so that no one interferes with thinking about the eternal.

You care deeply about the welfare of others

Earth Angels constantly feel the need to help others. They are willing to give up everything if someone needs them because they themselves have suffered and don't want anyone else to go through it.

Earth's angels feel a deep connection with those around them and are ready to comfort everyone. They understand how difficult and scary the world can seem, because no one guarantees a cloudless tomorrow, but the angels are doing everything possible to make them happy today.

What is loneliness?

The famous American psychiatrist Irwin Yalom considered the fear of isolation (loneliness) to be one of the main existential fears. He divided isolation into three types: interpersonal, intrapersonal and existential.

Interpersonal isolation is isolation from other individuals. That is, contact with another person may be hampered by geolocation, inability to build social contacts, and conflicting feelings regarding intimacy.

Intrapersonal isolation is one of the most difficult for an individual to understand and accept. It occurs when a person suppresses his own desires and feelings. This usually occurs in childhood; parents often impose their own desires and attitudes on their children. This can be observed in such little things as choosing clothes, which sections to go to, who to be friends with, and in other much more serious things - entering a university, choosing a partner, looking for a job. When a child grows up, he no longer understands what he really wants and what his parents want.

Existential isolation is associated with the very fact of existence. This is the separation of man from the world; this gap cannot be overcome in any way. The awareness of death makes a person fully feel his loneliness.

Is it normal or not

Psychology identifies a number of people who need silence, complete solitude. Only when they are alone with their thoughts do they receive complete satisfaction of feelings and feel happy. This does not mean that such people are mentally ill.

A person who loves solitude is aimed at knowing himself. In most cases, he chooses professions in which the manifestation of mental abilities is necessary, and there is also the opportunity to be alone. Such people become mathematicians, writers, musicians, philosophers.

It is normal when a person is dominated by abstract thinking, has a keen ear, and does not value material well-being. It is important for him to focus on his ideas, fantasies, dreams and thoughts. This cannot be done in the presence of other people. That is why it is so important for him to be alone.

Loneliness in relationships

Often, after a breakup, after some short time, a person finds a new partner. Many people are chasing just to avoid being “alone.” Because of this, selectivity in partners decreases, and relationships are not always pleasant. This race for relationships can arise precisely because it is difficult for a person to be alone with himself. He is not just afraid of loneliness, he is afraid of meeting himself. No matter how paradoxical it may sound, many have never been alone with themselves. A person, this is especially typical for Russia, immediately moves from his parental family to his own, which he created, or there is a constant rushing from one relationship to another. And there is absolutely no time to be alone, to think about your experiences, to reflect. Some people are simply afraid to see the inside of themselves, and relationships seem to highlight what is hiding inside. The game of hide and seek can go on for a long time, but sooner or later it will have to stop.

There are also many stereotypes associated with single women. A 30-year-old woman “should” be ashamed of being alone; condemnation may come from relatives and colleagues. Success and women's “happiness” is considered to be the creation of a family and the birth of children. This stereotype is due to the fact that there is a distribution of roles in society, and a woman is assigned the role of “keeper of the hearth”; girls are raised this way in traditional patriarchal families. But the world is changing, women already have the opportunity to choose and be successful in the field in which they wish. And loneliness in your personal life is always fixable.

As Erich Fromm said, to achieve maximum intimacy with another person, you must first know yourself, become a mature person. Therefore, it is absolutely not necessary to enter into dependent relationships with other people in order to feel not lonely, it is enough to become interesting to yourself, then the feeling of loneliness will not creep up.

Who likes privacy?

If the phrase “I love loneliness” is familiar to you, then most likely you belong to one of the categories of people susceptible to this condition.

People with abstract thinking.
An introvert who does not like noisy companies or loud sounds.
A social phobe who is afraid of communicating with other people.
A person with a lot of complexes, with severely low self-esteem. It is easier for him to be alone with his thoughts than to go out into public view and listen to unflattering words addressed to him.
A man or woman with a physical disability or health problem. More often he is forced to be alone.
A person tired of the monotony of life, its everyday life. There is a need to change the established way.
Women who spend the whole day with children listen to their screams and disagreements.
Married couples also feel the need for privacy. If people love each other, this does not mean that they should not have personal space.

I, like many of you, sometimes want to be alone with myself, with my thoughts. This is necessary to rethink your life, decide on your values, and understand whether I’m doing everything right. Like any family woman, sometimes I want to stay in silence, mind my own business, and devote time only to myself, and not to my husband or child.

How does autophobia arise?

Scientists have long considered loneliness a problem for modern people. To understand what autophobia is, you need to look at its origins. The fear of loneliness, according to psychologists, originates in early childhood, like many other social phobias, especially for people who suffered from lack of attention in childhood. The complex is inherited when a child curries favor with his parents, trying to earn their trust and approval. Having matured, he tries to show others how good and diligent he is, while losing contact with himself. Fear of loneliness, physical violence, darkness - these are 3 innate fears. They are cleaned by their mother until they are 3 years old. It seems to the child that the whole world revolves around him. When mom or dad leaves the center for some time, the child lacks full-fledged care, he is helpless and alone.

Autophobia appears under stressful circumstances, for example:

after the loss of a loved one;
due to separation from a loved one;
on the verge of old age;
In young age.

Fear is deceptive, because a person can never be alone while living in society. The mechanism of its appearance is in many ways similar to how autophobia arises in childhood, but each age has its own characteristics. If in older people it arises as a result of the loss of deep contacts, then youth fear is associated with the uncertainty of finding a partner and intimacy. You need to be able to find communication, contacts, learn to open up to people when the loss of loved ones occurs.

Research and facts

Here are some interesting conclusions from experts regarding the causes of the development of autophobia and the category of people who tend to experience fear of loneliness:

Young people who do not have the opportunity to be among friends endure forced seclusion worst of all, especially in the evening.
Men suffer more severely from loneliness in general than the fairer sex.
There are many times more lonely people in megacities than among provincial residents.
Women tend to cultivate fear due to lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, after a breakup with a man or because of his death.

Insomnia is a consequence of loneliness. People who lack daytime communication sleep poorly. It has been proven that single people have a higher risk of developing dementia; 2/3 of them are women. Loneliness directly causes pain. Californian scientists have conducted studies that have found a connection between the feeling of being cut off from society and brain activity in those parts where reactions to physical pain occur. The origins of this reaction lie in the development of human civilization. The ancestors gathered in groups to survive; modern man, left alone, fears for his life. The fear of loneliness remained as an atavism. Loneliness served as a punishment for crimes and misdeeds. Outside the city, a person died, finding himself alone with wild nature.

It has also been proven that single people have an increased stress hormone, which develops severe depressive states. On a physiological level, they feel the cold more strongly. Among autophobes, the largest number of suicide episodes is recorded.

Fears make life quite difficult, but with hard work on yourself and cooperation with a psychologist, you can regain a sense of confidence. Considering all of the above features of the condition, there is only one conclusion - you should not be afraid of loneliness. It should be voluntary, then the need for the question of how to deal with the fear of loneliness will automatically disappear?

Afterword

Probably, it was precisely these character traits that shaped my range of interests (or vice versa?). , love of nature, solo travel, literature, psychology. All this for me is like the work of a geologist who, thanks to his research, goes deep into the depths and finally discovers the much-desired gold.

Instead of a period and a traditional farewell, I’ll ask a question. I'm wondering if there are any of my readers who feel the same way? Please write in the comments?

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Practices

Silent pause

This exercise, which can be done anywhere: on public transport, in a waiting room, in a queue or even in the office, will do you more good than a coffee break. It increases natural energy levels.

● Sitting with a straight back, look at one point straight in front of you (at a book, some object), without looking too closely at it. Yogis call this technique “looking without seeing.” Be attentive to what is happening inside you, to the quality of your breathing.

● Breathe calmly and measuredly, then relax your jaws, shoulders, and pelvis.

● Relax with each inhalation and as you exhale, say the word “peace.”

● Feel a sense of serenity come over you. When your thoughts begin to wander, bring them back to your breathing. Remain in this state of stillness for a few minutes, enjoying the quality of silence. Do this exercise as often as possible.

Feel the power in yourself

● Sit comfortably, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and relax your entire body. Continue to breathe and completely surrender to relaxation.

● As you relax, focus on your heart. Imagine this place of peace within you. This is the deepest part of your being. Rest longer in this place.

● Starting from your heart, ask the energy to circulate throughout your body.

● Feel the energy in your body and realize that you can direct this light flow towards others.

Walking in silence

This exercise will take about 20 minutes to complete.

● Choose a location: If you are not outdoors, you can do this exercise in your apartment.

● Start walking slowly, paying special attention to each step you take. ● Then relax your neck, face, arms

● Then relax your neck, face, hands.

● Inhale, then plant your foot; exhale slowly and place the other leg. As you walk, feel the balance of your body.

● Then sit, imagining that you are looking inward. Focus completely on your breathing and immerse yourself in the here and now.

● Breathe calmly and steadily, without straining, listening to your breathing become calmer.

Fragment of the book “Reconcile soul and body. Body practices for a life without illness and stress." Michelle Freud. - Moscow: Bombora Publishing House, 2022.

Reasons for female loneliness

Let's start with the main thing, why is a woman lonely?

If we discard the demographic factor and stubborn statistics, according to which, “for every ten girls there are only nine guys,” the reasons for female loneliness can be identified as follows:

1. Complexes about one’s own appearance, born in childhood and which do not allow one to start relationships with the opposite sex.

2. Overestimation of your beauty. A girl who is praised by everyone from a very early age grows up with a “crown” on her head. There are a lot of suitors hovering around her, but she is looking for the King! And in the end she is left alone.

3. “First career - then family.” Many modern ladies think so. They graduate from college, graduate school, get a good job, strive higher and higher... And when they find themselves at the top of the ladder and look around them, it turns out that all the men have been busy for a long time. Yes, somehow I don’t want to get married... Habit is a great thing. According to statistics, most women who do not tie the knot before the age of thirty remain single for the rest of their lives.

4. Bad relationship experience. In this case, the woman is simply afraid of the bad thing happening again.

5. And the main reason that gives rise to female loneliness is fear! The thing is that thought is material, and constantly thinking about the sad prospects of being left alone, a woman, alas, creates for herself exactly such a future. In addition, a person gripped by fear pushes other people away. This happens on an intuitive level - men feel in danger and run away from such a woman.

How to get rid of the fear of loneliness?

Having delved into your soul and discovered there the fear of never getting married for the rest of your life, you definitely need to do something. After all, exactly what we fear happens to us.

How to get rid of the fear of loneliness? Women, as a rule, have a stereotype in their heads called “every girl should be married, otherwise she is not a full-fledged girl.” You need to start fighting the fear of loneliness with this stereotype. Try to understand that no one owes anyone anything in this life, and all these grandmothers’ groans about their granddaughter’s “single” state are nothing more than prejudices.

Next, you should ask yourself: “How can a woman live alone?” and try to paint as detailed a picture as possible. By the way, you can live quite comfortably, without having to answer to anyone, without standing for hours in the kitchen and without collecting dirty socks around the house.

If you still don’t like the picture, you need to take a very important step - look your fear in the eyes. Stop hiding from him, realize him, “sit him in front of you” and... have a heart-to-heart talk. As a rule, phenomena that we are aware of no longer seem so scary, and we can try to “agree” with them.

You will promise fear that you will no longer push men away from you, look down on them, or spend all day at work.

You will say that you are ready to take care of someone, to give this “someone” your attention and love. And you will see that fear will respond by promising not to bother you anymore, which means a happy life ahead, full of new promising acquaintances!

You are very sensitive

The Angels of the Earth came to this world with a great purpose, but saving the planet costs a lot. Sometimes they feel overwhelmed, as if all the problems in the world have suddenly fallen upon them. They often feel tired and frustrated; they cannot bear to be with large crowds of noisy people, because their conflicting energy drains and frightens the angels.

They are also sensitive to violence, hatred and all the negative news that is displayed in the media. Typically, Earth angels hide in their room to protect themselves from the troubled world.

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Tips to cope better with loneliness

If loneliness is too painful:

Maintain interpersonal relationships and create new ones. Set clear goals for yourself, for example: start engaging in social, cultural, sports activities. Community service where you help others will make you feel needed. You will gain satisfaction and a sense of self-worth. Giving is also receiving, helping others is a wonderful school of relationships and love.
Take an interest in events taking place in your city.
Discover new pastimes: explore all the offers that interest you, travel, go to group readings. The strongest friendships are usually made between people who share the same interests.
Develop your intellect: go with friends to galleries, museums, exhibitions, read specialized publications, sign up for courses.
Make contacts on the Internet, look for new acquaintances. Communicate with your loved ones in instant messengers - this will allow you to always be in touch.
Start relationships to spend time in pleasant company. Renew communication with those with whom you previously communicated well: colleagues, friends, distant relatives. We often wait for initiative from other people. Show it yourself, take the first step.
Sit on the café terrace and watch the people around you.
Stimulate your curiosity, it mobilizes the mind and helps us make new acquaintances.
Keep a diary.

To open yourself to solitude that will lead to meeting yourself:

Be more attentive to your lifestyle. Mindful action involves being “present with oneself.”
Make the rhythm of your life more calm. Don’t turn into a workaholic, pay more attention to leisure, pleasure, and entertainment.
There should be breaks in your schedule for rest: a break to sit in silence, drink tea or just look around. This pleasure is always available to us.
Set aside a few minutes a day for physical exercise. They will help relieve tension and give the body and psyche moments of salvation.
Be attentive to your inner state: listen to the breathing inside your belly and pleasant sensations, to your movements and the taste of dishes. Be attentive to yourself, life, your surroundings, the beauty of nature, your senses. This way you will begin to hear the ticking of the clock and the singing of birds even among the noise of the city. Listen to music, its vibrations, look around, take time to dream. See a piece of blue sky even through the clouds, enjoy the silence of a warm summer night, take a walk outside the city, restore strength in the atmosphere of a monastery, dive into a relaxing bath... You can choose any method according to your desire and mood.

Finding time for yourself, creating rituals, changing habits, listening to your intuition and being open to new ideas will all help you create a calmer pace of life. Sophrology just teaches you to develop your inner world. In our hectic lives, we are so disconnected from our body that it is difficult for us to feel it. The endless race atrophies our senses. “Life reveals itself only to those whose feelings do not sleep, because feelings give meaning to life,” writes Christiane Singer (Singer K. Les Ages de la vie (Ages of Life), Albin Michel, 1990).

By improving the quality of life through correct postures, deep measured breathing, we give rest to the brain, concentrate on ourselves, develop internal behavior without judgment, allowing thoughts to flow calmly without holding attention to them, we come to a state of acceptance of what is. Opening up to yourself means finding balance and improving the quality of sensations. This special state of consciousness can change behavior, strengthen will and wisdom. It helps us become more aware of the reactions we are learning to control. Thus, we begin to give ourselves what we expect from others.

This takes us to another level where we feel a huge surge of energy. It is this “calm” mental strength that gives us access to a state of serenity and comfort, and allows us to withstand the aggressions and difficulties of everyday life.

Why does the feeling of loneliness arise and what to do about it?

You crave intimacy

Dissatisfaction and feelings of loneliness can arise due to unrequited intimacy. For some reason, it is believed that lonely people are necessarily recluses who avoid all social contacts. Actually this is not true. You can have many relationships with other people, but if they are not close enough, then you feel lonely.

This is quite easy to understand for those who have many acquaintances, not friends, but acquaintances. You don't have much in common with them. This is why there is a feeling of loneliness and emptiness, because these people are not close enough to discuss your experiences with them.

The solution here could be networking - first, get to know the person better. What if he becomes your friend? In any case, spending time together will help brighten up your loneliness and dull the feeling of emptiness.

Are you an introvert?

Introverts often find it difficult to communicate with large groups of people. Therefore, there is a misconception that introverts are lonely and withdrawn people.

And this is a mistake! While an extrovert feels like a duck to water in noisy companies and large meetings, you, introverts, have no equal in one-on-one communication or small groups (2-3 people). And even though you are not the life of the party (yet), no one but you will feel the interlocutor so deeply and sincerely. Unlike extroverts, you prefer to listen rather than talk. And this is a huge plus.

And before extroverts completely hate me, I will say that extroverts experience loneliness less often (after all, where there are noisy and fun campaigns, there are always extroverts). Most often this happens due to the fact that there are not so many “pure” introverts and extroverts.

Typically, people have both the characteristics of introverts and the characteristics of extroverts, with dominant traits of one type or another. And you can take advantage of this!

You need more quality rather than quantity in your relationship

I think you have met people (or maybe this is about you?) who have a lot of friends, but at the same time he or she is lonely. The thing is that in relationships it is their quality, not quantity, that matters. Otherwise, you will most likely be guaranteed a feeling of loneliness.

Becoming closer to a person does not mean that you should blame all your problems and experiences on him, no. Your relationship should be mutually beneficial! And if you feel lonely, it's great when you can share your problems with someone. But be prepared that this person will also share his experiences with you. And you will have to listen and support him!

This is how strong relationships are built and the feeling of loneliness and emptiness is destroyed. On mutual respect.

And do not forget that if you are ready to establish close relationships, then the person will not always reciprocate your feelings. This can lead to bad mood, depression and feelings of loneliness, but this is the law of the world. The only thing I can advise in this situation is to move on without wasting time on empty grievances. Every person has their own opinion and we must respect it!

One is not born alone: time to get rid of illusions

At the System-Vector Psychology training by Yuri Burlan, you can find the answer to how to get rid of the feeling of loneliness by tracing where the roots of loneliness begin and how this feeling manifests itself.

We cannot live alone, even if we don’t really love our neighbor, but we don’t like loneliness even more. It drives us out onto the street, to work, into a team, to start a family, give birth to children, achieve success... Just so as not to experience this terrible feeling, just to be needed.

We are born with a given program, a role that must be fulfilled. And not for yourself, but for society. To do this, each of us has a set of properties and desires. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls them vectors. A vector, as a given direction along the way, pushes us to complete a natural task, investing in us everything that should help in its implementation. And we cannot escape our role, otherwise loneliness will not be long in coming.

Love is an action

Unfortunately, on the way to adulthood, someone loses some of their strength, desires and abilities due to inadequate upbringing, lack of parental love or severe stress. And it becomes unable to fully fulfill its mission. The emotional state is in decline, loved ones leave, there is no strength to cope with problems, but they all fall like a snowball.

We lose our bearings, get confused and become unhappy from our own uselessness and oppressive feeling of loneliness. We try to overcome it, look for something to fill the hole, and expect that one day someone very kind and fair will come and fix everything. It's a pity - but he won't come. And the hope for a kind wizard who will fly in and turn life into a holiday will turn into a vicious circle, where those who passively expect love and happiness will receive loneliness and despair. Until he understands that love is an action. It cannot be touched and cannot be found, it can only be made with one’s own hands, given birth, given and only then received in return.

Who are you and what is your loneliness?

Loneliness is bad. There must be children, family, home. How else? Marry for love, to the one and only one. Or marrying that one is the goal and dream of many people’s entire lives. But if only everything were so simple!

There are people among us for whom love and family are the highest values. And loneliness is even dangerous for them. These are the owners of two vectors with amazing properties - visual and anal.

The owners cannot imagine life without family, children and a cozy home. They take care of raising the new generation better than anyone, passing on to them eternal family values, traditions, and experience. The best mothers, faithful wives and the most devoted and caring husbands and fathers.

Loneliness for the owner of the anal vector lies in the absence of family and children. Realized in his work, the best teacher or a master of his craft with golden hands, a leader in production or a professor - he will miss the most important thing: his home, where he is expected. He can get used to it, people of this type are very patient. But will he be happy?