Alone again. These words send a chill down your spine. They are afraid of loneliness, they think about it with longing. Is it possible to benefit from a breakup or separation?
Some of my friends and readers now find themselves in this situation after a breakup with a boyfriend, divorce, or other life disasters. They are relearning solo swimming skills. And I myself experienced all this after a serious relationship with a man ended in failure several years ago.
I know from myself that the “brave new world” that has opened up initially evokes fear. But at the same time there is a lot of beautiful and amazing things in it! You belong to yourself, you have the freedom to learn new things and try a variety of types of self-realization.
When I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of years ago, I felt absolutely empty for the first few weeks. And this despite the fact that I ended the relationship on my own initiative.
It seemed to me that there was a desert around me, everything was over, nothing was happening and there was emptiness in my heart. I had to endure this unpleasant state, and then get down to business - rebuild my life, step by step, brick by brick.
And do you know what happened in the end? One morning I woke up and realized that my mental wound ached a little less than before. The next day - even less, and then she stopped hurting altogether. Now, after years, I have fully recovered: I am implementing my plans and projects, communicating with people, participating in exciting adventures that I could not even dream of before.
True, to achieve such a result, I had to turn to a psychologist. But, one way or another, I was healed. And most importantly, I improved my relationship with myself. And I really missed this. I was able to take a new look at what I had previously thought of as “emptiness.” In fact, I freed up space that could be filled with whatever I wanted. And this was just the beginning...
Let me list a few advantages of a self-sufficient life:
- “Alone again” is a time of unlimited possibilities. You are free to do what interests you, what is important to you, what excites and pleases you.
- This is a rare chance to pamper yourself - to spend time on self-improvement, to realize your dreams, goals, aspirations, without asking anyone's permission and without being obligated to anyone.
- Your hands are free, your mind is open, your eyes are open - you can try new things, learn something, laugh, enjoy life.
- In the language of an independent woman, the phrase “single again” rhymes with concepts such as “new chapter in life,” “clean slate,” “fresh start,” “new beginnings.”
As the ancients said, carpe diem - seize the moment! If you are alone, it means you have the courage and intelligence to face the unknown and overcome any difficulties that arise on your own.
Breakup shakes
The period after a breakup is the best time to understand who you are and what you want from life.
They say that from love to hate there is only one step. And I’ll tell you that it’s not far from despair to joy. Whenever shocks occur that break your heart, the gates of the soul simultaneously open wide for new emotions, new knowledge, new experiences that can lift you to another level of existence.
It's scary to leave the comfortable haven that is a long-term relationship. But think about what will happen if the butterfly refuses to come out of its cocoon?
She will never grow, transform, spread her wings. Imagine that you no longer fit into a dress: even if it once fit perfectly, you will no longer wear it. So why do we hold on to our old connections so much, even if it is absolutely clear that we have outgrown them and the person next to us is not suitable for us?
Parting shakes a woman up, makes her wake up and helps her see what she really needs. Thanks to this, we stop adapting to circumstances and begin to understand ourselves.
Just being around people isn't enough.
It is important to understand that the usual advice that is often given to lonely people - go somewhere, volunteer, call loved ones - does not always work. University of Arizona professor Corey Floyd, who studies the communication components of loneliness, advises not to get attached to the idea that you will get rid of this feeling as soon as you go out into people. This can lead to additional frustration. It is more correct to treat working with loneliness as a process that takes time. As Floyd points out, loneliness makes people feel inadequate, needy, and intrusive, which further alienates them from others. In this case, it is worth recognizing that no one should always remember about your existence, and there is nothing shameful in hinting to people that you want to spend time with them. Read on topic: 9 reasons why you won't cope well with loneliness
Leave the past in the past
The day will come when you will look back and feel grateful that some people and some temptations have disappeared from your path. Without freeing ourselves from them, we will never find ourselves. I often think that if I had not gone through that terrible and heartbreaking breakup several years ago, I would not have been able to implement my favorite project, “Self-sufficient Woman.”
What would have happened if I had stayed with the man we were dating at the time? Unknown. Perhaps we would have gotten married and lived “happily ever after” with him. You wouldn't be holding this book in your hands!
Only after that disaster was I able to realize what I should be. The difficult experiences and subsequent “rising from the ashes” help me now inspire others to find their authentic self. So my breakup turned into a breakthrough?
Everyone who leaves you does so because they no longer belong to your world and are no longer part of your personal history. Tell them thank you for being with you and then say goodbye. Parting is a powerful stimulus for development. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who, despite the fact that her wings have been broken for some time, can fly again.
Is loneliness so scary: what to do with it and when is it useful?
Scientists say that loneliness is as dangerous to health as smoking. Developed countries are already sounding the alarm, and the UK even created a minister for loneliness this year. Is loneliness really dangerous and what benefits can be derived from it, the editors of the Moscow 24 portal tried to figure out.
Photo: depositphotos/Gladkov
The world's first Minister for Loneliness appeared quite recently - in January, at the initiative of Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. The post was created in part as a tribute to the work of Labor leader Jo Cox, who led the Loneliness Commission and was assassinated in 2016. There are 9 million people in the country who often or constantly feel lonely, and about 200 thousand elderly people have not spoken to friends or relatives for more than a month.
The UK is not alone in these statistics: in Japan there is even a separate term for a lonely, unnoticed death - “kokodushi”. Due to increasing social isolation, more elderly Japanese are dying alone at home every year.
Numerous studies show that loneliness is truly dangerous to health, even more than smoking and obesity. This means that a solitary lifestyle not only affects the psyche, contributing to the appearance of depression, but also directly harms one’s physical condition (statistically, lonely people move less, eat worse, suffer more often from heart disease and generally have lower immunity). At the same time, established social connections can halve the risk of early death. True, all this relates specifically to forced loneliness, isolation from society. But it’s no secret that feelings of loneliness can also occur among those who, at first glance, are surrounded by friends and loved ones.
Photo: depositphotos/magann
According to practicing psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov, if, with forced loneliness, which in the long term threatens the health of people and their lives (for example, in the case of the elderly), or with aurophobia (a psychological disorder characterized by a fear of loneliness), a person is not able to cope with his condition on his own, then in most cases, fear or the very feeling of loneliness that a person living in a big city experiences can be overcome on their own.
First of all, we need to understand the root of the problem - here we most often encounter two cases: in the first, a person has a limited circle of friends or is dissatisfied with them, in the second, a person, on the contrary, is constantly surrounded by friends and acquaintances, and any need for privacy causes him psychological discomfort .
In the first case, the key to solving the problem is to understand your situation, take a sober look at the problem and evaluate its possible consequences. You don’t have acquaintances who can support you in difficult times, you can’t expand your social circle, make friends? Awareness of the problem is already the first step towards change, giving rise to motivation. And the decision comes to a motivated person, as a rule, by itself. You need to overcome your fear of new contacts. Think about the worst thing that could happen to you when you step out of your comfort zone. Is this really worse than the possible consequences of loneliness? Set a specific goal for yourself and take the initiative over your own life. And don’t be upset by failures – they shouldn’t deprive you of motivation. Work on yourself - learn to listen, think positively, make compromises, and not judge. Learn flexibility - all this is achievable at any age. And if that doesn’t work out, you can always contact a psychologist or the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service to the Population, where they will help you completely free of charge. The main thing is not to isolate yourself.
By the way, the Minister for Loneliness is not the only unusual minister in the world. For example, in Bhutan, which according to statistics has 97% of happy people, there is an entire Ministry of Happiness. It is worth noting that in this happy country cigarettes are not sold, TV is hardly watched, animals are not killed and forests are not cut down. India and the United Arab Emirates followed Bhutan's example - they also organized their own ministries of happiness. True, in the ranking of the happiest countries, northern and economically prosperous Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland and Finland are still in the lead.
Another unusual ministry is the Ministry of Ayurveda, Yoga, Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homeopathy, which appeared in India in 2014 with the aim of promoting national medical practices and yoga.
But Japan has its own “minister of toilets.” True, this is rather a joke position - this is the name of Minister Haruki Arimura, responsible for the empowerment of women. Capable of determining body temperature and weight, as well as taking tests, Japanese toilets are an object of cult and pride in the Land of the Rising Sun, often leaving visiting tourists with more impressions than its entire ancient culture.
The second case has become increasingly common lately. Social networks and online communication develop and nourish the illusion of constant “connection” to a community of many people following each other’s lives and successes. At the same time, they develop in a person an unhealthy dependence on others. Many people begin to feel uncomfortable in their own company and confuse solitude with loneliness.
It is important to understand here: solitude is not a source of sadness, but an opportunity for spiritual development, a chance to be alone with yourself, understand yourself, and establish a dialogue with yourself. People are afraid of loneliness when they are dependent on other people and cannot compensate for their absence with their own internal resources.
The ability to feel self-sufficient in solitude is one of the key qualities of a developed personality. Occasional loneliness is not only normal, but necessary. If a person does not feel comfortable alone with himself, he needs to work on his dependence on the external world and learn to get more satisfaction from the inner world. Reading greatly contributes to this - it helps to develop fantasy and imagination, and reduce the need for constant communication with other people.
“Usually we receive energy from the outside, but we can just as easily draw it from within ourselves. Give yourself time to think, to be alone with yourself in peace and quiet. Learn to observe and notice details, admire nature. Discover your inner world for yourself and get used to it - this way your best friend and interlocutor will always be with you,” adds Kuznetsov.
Another great way to become more self-sufficient is through creativity. Not a single person absorbed in creativity experiences a feeling of loneliness. Find a hobby, learn to switch from the outside world to the inside if necessary, and enjoy internal dialogue - this will help you become not only a more self-sufficient person emotionally, but also open up the outside world from a new side.
By the way, in Russia they can also establish a Ministry of Loneliness. Not long ago, the chairman of the upper house of parliament, Valentina Matvienko, did not rule out such a possibility, Fr.
How a Gap Turns into a Breakthrough
If you're going through a painful breakup right now and are trying to take off on a solo flight, remember that happiness is just around the corner. It is around the very corner where you will find yourself immediately after saying goodbye to the past.
It must be said that almost always the end of a relationship is replaced by something new. But this is wonderful! Events go “joint to joint”: one ended, the other immediately began. Doors open that previously could not be opened because the past blocks them and does not allow them to open.
Pain shakes you up and makes you wake up. Thanks to this, we begin to realize that today we deserve more than what we had yesterday.
The heart will not remain broken forever. A new start awaits you. Right now, at this very moment, you are face to face with something incredible and unexpected. Accept it, open your arms to him. And you will see how old wounds heal, wisdom is acquired through painful experience - your main treasure, found on the difficult path of life.
What do we know about loneliness
Loneliness is widespread in the West. According to sociologists, 10-15% of Americans are likely to die alone, and this figure will only grow in the coming decades. Numerous studies in the US and Europe show that between 30% and 60% of people feel lonely. What is most surprising is that young people complain of loneliness more often than older people.
Let's just say: loneliness is harmful.
There are statistics that show loneliness shortens your life expectancy as much as if you smoked 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness increases your risk of anxiety and depression. It also harms your physical form. Studies show that lonely people are more likely to suffer from heart disease and high blood pressure, and they have a weak immune system.
How to get rid of loneliness?
If you set yourself a goal, you can find a lot of other reasons that lead to female loneliness. It also happens that there are no obvious reasons at all, and a woman still fails to build a relationship. By and large, even appearance does not play a special role, because many truly beautiful women live alone for some reason.
First of all, don’t panic and give up on yourself in advance. Having found the reasons for your loneliness and eliminated them, make a clear plan for further actions and strictly follow it. And the following advice from psychologists can help you with this:
- How and where to meet? The most common way to find a life partner is to visit crowded places more often. You can visit clubs and various exhibitions, friends' parties and even social networks. Even at an ordinary city festival you can find the man of your dreams, the main thing is not to withdraw into yourself and be ready for new acquaintances. Be confident in yourself and don’t be afraid to be the first to start a conversation with the man you like.
- Love yourself. One of the problems of short-term relationships is not loving yourself. If a woman does not know how to correctly perceive compliments and considers herself worse than she is, then the man will definitely feel this and will not initiate the continuation of this relationship. Therefore, learn to love yourself and then everyone else will love you.
- Legibility. Learn to look not only at the shell, but also deeper. If you notice that a man is not in the mood for a serious relationship, but prefers a light affair, then immediately cross him off the list of potential suitors. Clearly set your priorities: why do you need a relationship, what kind of man do you want next to you, what are you willing to do to achieve your goal. You should not start a relationship with a person who will not meet your ideas about a worthy life partner.
What we don't know about loneliness
Sounds crappy, doesn't it? Wait, it's even worse... we still have a lot to understand about loneliness:
- Where does it come from? No other civilization is affected by loneliness as much as the Western world. There are many theories on this matter, but not a single clear answer. Some point to Western individualistic culture, in which the role of family and community is small compared to the role of the individual. Others blame urbanization and its cultural norms like home ownership, independent work, and so on. Still others point to demographics: people are having fewer children, moving from one city to another, and spending less and less time with older relatives. Finally, some talk about the decline of religiosity: historically, the church stood at the center of any community. Perhaps it is one of these factors, or perhaps a combination of them influences.
- What to do with him. There are also many theories here. Communication online and via devices does not provide the same emotional and psychological support that we receive through face-to-face communication. Social media and video games are like cola without the sugar: we seem to be spending time with people, but the “emotional calories” are clearly not enough. In this case, the lack of calories only harms us, we starve. Loneliness depends on both the quality and quantity of social connections. We need not only to see our acquaintances often, but also to feel a certain degree of closeness and trust in them.
Some states are taking action.
In 2022, the United Kingdom has a “Minister of Loneliness.” Scandinavian countries such as Denmark are having success with “sharing policies”: pensioners and young families who need help with childcare are housed together so they can look after each other. Overall, this seems to be a serious problem. Even doctors are already concerned about it, and pharmaceutical companies are wondering whether it is possible to create a cure for loneliness similar to a cure for depression.
For myself
If you are single now, then the best way to survive loneliness is to take time for yourself with your loved one. If you are lonely, this is not a reason not to love yourself! You need to please yourself, take time for yourself, communicate with friends and lead a fulfilling life.
How to implement this: try starting with shopping. End a hard day with a trip to the cinema. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or, better yet, flowers in a pot. Good literature, quality music, delicious dinner - train yourself to receive only the best. Worthy men often “fly” to the best, like butterflies to the light, don’t forget about it.
Read also: Psychologist explained why we often remain lonely
