“Why doesn’t my mother love me?” and 5 more questions about traumatic relationships with your mother

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Why doesn't my mother love me?

This question is like a weed with long and tenacious roots.
It is especially dangerous because you believe that if you can find a definite answer, you will be able to change what does not allow you to love, no matter what it is. Chances are, you, like me and every other little girl in this world, have believed in the mother myth that all mothers love their children. So just asking this question creates fear and shame.

If only I could find the answer! Then, perhaps, everything will change, and the mother will turn into one of those mothers who, in a fit of tenderness, ruffles their daughters’ hair, always smiles at them and looks into their eyes. This is the dream of all abandoned, neglected girls.

The problem is that any answer you can find always contains only a grain of truth. To begin with, you're probably thinking: the whole point is that you're nothing like your big sister, whom your mom obviously loves, but no matter how hard you try to be just like her, you remain itself and nothing changes.

At another moment, it dawns on you that everything will change with your success and popularity, and now you’re already studying with straight A’s and playing the main role in a school theater production, but this doesn’t help either. Or, on the contrary, you go to great lengths with the idea that any attention is better than ignoring and neglect.

Finally, as an adult, you reevaluate your mother's emotional history and decide that it would be best to treat her with empathy and compassion, but then you discover that you have become even more vulnerable because you have lost your guard, and you realize that the pain caused by rejection and her constant attacks on you is as excruciating as ever, and your empathy does not stop her from trying to trample you into the dirt.

There are any number of possible explanations, and none of them matter. The truth is that it's all about her, not you. And it was always only in her.

As a child, I often asked my mother if she loved me. She gave an evasive and, as I already understood then, a false answer: “Every mother loves her child.” However, she never responded with the three simple words I was waiting for. (To be precise, I expected four words because my mother always spoke Dutch to me, but that's not the point.)

I always believed that my mother avoided this question in order to protect me and not destroy me with a sincere answer. It wasn't until I wrote Bad Mothers that I realized she was doing this to protect herself from the shame of answering honestly.

It is a deep shame, perhaps the deepest shame except for the shame of killing a mother, father or child, to admit that you do not love the creature you carried and gave birth to or, in the case of adoption, vowed to love and protect as your own child. An additional source of shame is admitting that you don’t even like your child—and my mother didn’t like me.

By continuing to ask this question, you remain tied to the carousel and force yourself to look for less and less realistic answers and reasons. It controls your relationship with your mother (and other family members), forces you to continue the dance of denial, reinforces the underlying conflict, feeds false hopes in you and, most importantly, undermines all attempts to heal.

Oddly enough, when you stop asking yourself this question, you will feel sad at first. Why? Because by closing it to yourself, you will give up the hope that one day a miracle will happen and, with the wave of a magic wand, everything bad will disappear.

You were hoping that this miracle would happen because of the right answer, and giving up the search for it is painful, but this emotional pain must be endured. Seek professional help and support if you find it too difficult to cope on your own.

As long as you continue to ask yourself this question, you yourself remain the main obstacle to healing. This is the brutal truth.

Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy

In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.

Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”

What should I change in myself to make her love me?

This question seems to be part of the previous one, but in reality it is independent and there is an answer to it: nothing.

There is nothing you could change about yourself to make your mother treat you differently, because her reaction to you has nothing to do with you and is entirely related to her.

This situation should be separated from the relationship between mother and child, if not simple, but still filled with care.

I urge you to remember that it is always the mother, and not the child, who has the opportunity to change the nature of the relationship.

This situation continues even when the child grows up, because the mother-daughter relationship never becomes a partnership, and the daughter expects something from the mother, and not vice versa. Let's start with what experts call “quality of fit,” a concept focused on the personalities of the child and his mother.

Consider the case of a relatively introverted mother who has a high need for time to herself and values ​​silence. She has two children: one is calm, independent and rarely behaves reactively, the other is emotionally demanding, lively and active. Which of the two will be easier for such a mother?

The answer is obvious: with a child whose needs are closer to her own. And it is in this case that we will talk about high “quality of compliance.” However, the parent-child relationship is not a relationship of equals, and it is the mother's responsibility to recognize the difficulties that come with raising a child who is different from her and to find ways to cope with them.

The solution is not to reproach, avoid or ignore the child who expects his mother to meet his emotional needs, which would allow him to grow and develop safely.

What to do with old grudges

Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.

For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.

I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.

Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”

Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.

Am I to blame for the fact that she doesn't love me?

It is natural for a child to blame himself, and this is understandable. After all, our parents are older, taller, they know more and are the undisputed authorities in the small world of our childhood. Therefore, there must be something we have done wrong that makes us unloved.

The child is pushed to this conclusion by what he hears about himself from his mother: that he is difficult or disobedient, stupid or lazy, and simply not good enough.

Self-recrimination can haunt us long after childhood is behind us, especially when there are sisters or brothers whom the mother obviously loves.

Self-blame maintains an internal acceptance of abuse: we believe that it is simply the norm in our family, and most likely in most other families—until we discover that it is not—and we deny that it is abusive or traumatic.

In addition, self-recrimination is also fueled by shame sitting deep inside: we are ashamed of our shortcomings and, of course, of being unloved in a world where every mother loves her child.

Blaming oneself, as well as denying the abuse, appears to be a better alternative for many, according to some research. Paradoxical but true! A number of studies have found significant differences between victims' assessments of acts as cruel and the scientific definition of abuse.

For example, in a large 1994 survey of 11,600 college students, only 26% of respondents who had experienced severe physical punishment or mistreatment (some even requiring medical attention!) were likely to consider it cruelty. But how is it possible for a person to suffer from abuse, especially from a parent, and not want to openly call a spade a spade?

Rachel Goldsmith and Jennifer Freud set out to answer this question. Their study was designed to find out whether people who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused have problems recognizing their feelings.

The answer, not surprisingly, was positive. It also turned out that victims of emotional abuse, as defined by researchers, rarely call their treatment cruel. How can this be explained?

Scientists point to the fact that because children are essentially confined to their home, they find ways to adapt to a hostile environment.

Their strategies include denial and dissociation: keeping threatening information out of the mind makes it easier to cope with everyday stress, but later it interferes with the understanding of what happened.

Might be interesting

What is “torturous intimacy” and how can children and parents stop being a burden to each other?

Should we forgive our parents and should we love them?

Obviously, this discovery applies to you too, and goes a long way toward explaining why you deny and are slow to acknowledge abuse from your mother or another person. Even more valuable, however, are the scientists' findings about why children tend to explain abuse by saying that they are "bad."

Self-blame, the researchers write, “blocks the idea that the adult caregiver cannot be trusted and provides the illusion of self-control.” Again, what could be worse than realizing that it is unsafe for you to be around the very person who is entrusted with taking care of you? This explains why victims of abuse prefer to blame themselves for everything - it's less scary and there is hope that you can make things right.

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Such different dislikes

Maternal dislike can be expressed in different ways. For example, in detachment
. The mother is not at all involved in the child, is not interested in him, and maintains her distance with all her might. There is no warm emotional exchange between them. At the slightest opportunity, a woman entrusts the child to other people - father, grandmothers, nannies. The child feels that he is assigned a secondary role in his mother’s life, and concludes that he is “somehow different.”

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Dislike can manifest itself in aggressiveness

. So, if a woman has gone through a difficult divorce and is overwhelmed with negative feelings towards her ex-husband, she begins to see the child as a continuation of his father. This results in rude or cruel treatment, demands that are not according to age, reproaches: “If it weren’t for you, your father and I would not have gotten married” or “Because of you, I can’t arrange my life.” Such a child feels guilty and gets used to thinking that there is something shameful about him, something worthy of condemnation.

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It happens that a mother gives preference to other children

. She treats her pets more affectionately and more often expresses care and concern. They receive coveted and more expensive gifts. In such a situation, the child suffers from a strong hunger for love, attention and is desperately jealous of his “rivals.” Sometimes envy develops into hatred not only towards a brother or sister, but also towards the mother. A person can carry the conviction “I am not worthy of love” throughout his entire life.

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Another option for dislike is overprotection

.
“Excessive care through food, cleanliness, excessive control in school causes aggression in a child, because his emotional needs are ignored, his feelings are not accepted, his voice is not heard,”
explains Anna Khidiryan. The mom who “knows best” is actually busy suppressing her severe anxiety. She is focused on herself. As a result, the child feels abandoned and unloved.

What could I become if I had a loving mother?

This question is a road to nowhere, and usually arises when the daughter begins to realize the harm done to her and feels great anger and resentment because she was deprived of the most necessary things. Some of this anger may be directed at herself - because she has been unable to see her mother in her true light for so long, because she has denied harm and tried to appease her mother instead of taking action, and so on.

At some point, such a question may even seem emotionally fruitful, but here's the hard truth: it's like wondering what your life would be like if you were born a princess or fantastically rich and high-ranking person, had world-class talent, or any other quality that would predetermine your life path.

This question also distracts from working on yourself, which helps you heal and become the best version of yourself - and not someone else. And the good news is that healing is possible. So put that question out of your mind and move forward lightly.

The good thing is that giving up this question doesn’t hurt. If you start to think about it, tell yourself no and ask any of the many productive questions suggested in this book.

How can we try to improve the current situation?

Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.

The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.

Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.

If my own mother didn’t love me, then who will?

This is the secret fear that a little unloved girl hides deep inside. He is reinforced by self-accusations and accompanies her in adult life, now hiding in the shadows, now coming to the surface.

Behind the fear is a powerful cultural myth - that all mothers love their children with unconditional love - and the enormous power that a mother has over her children. This fear makes the daughter feel like an outcast who never feels comfortable with anyone and is always ready to be rejected.

Of course, such a question could not arise without the confidence that the sun around which the unloved daughter revolves is not only the only source of love, but also a storehouse of wisdom and insight. This is the question of a frightened and lonely child, and although it haunts its victim again and again, it must be abandoned.

If you bring this question into the light of adult understanding, its source is immediately visible, especially if you allow yourself to think about all those people who did not believe your mother's false accusations when you were little.

Experts call relationships with such people “islands of safety,” and these relationships can become the source of acquired secure attachment. By abandoning the “damned” question, you can turn your attention to all those people who have shown you love and kindness and supported you in the past and present. And we are not just talking about deep and close relationships.

For example, I still remember the kind look and affectionate gestures of my teacher in the first grade and how, thanks to her, I felt good more than 60 years ago.

So, instead of asking, “If my own mother didn’t love me, who will?” - ask yourself: “Who was and is a guiding beacon for me, the promised land, where I really feel good?”

That, my friends, is the question worth asking.

How does hatred of a mother affect a child's life?

Hatred towards a loved one is a destructive condition that is associated with an equally severe feeling of guilt. A person cannot bear them for a long time without talking through them and without changing the situation. Suppressed anger is directed against the person himself, health, and against the people around him.

A man thinks about his mother

When aggression cannot be directed at the address, it moves on to one’s body - this is how psychosomatic problems or self-harm appear. If hatred is turned against the person himself, a tendency to destructive or risky behavior, dangerous habits, and addictions appears.

Ignoring difficult emotional experiences creates a risk of depression and outbursts of anger. In adulthood, this affects relationships with your partner and children. The model of interaction that was once created with the mother continues to be played out within one’s own family.

Maybe I should have tried harder to make things right?

This question stems from a deep aspiration and hope - tormented, abused, bleeding, but still alive and fueled by the idea that all mothers are loving, and therefore, if something goes wrong, it is solely due to the daughter’s mistakes or shortcomings.

It is accompanied by a huge feeling of guilt, since no one thinks about the really important responsibilities of a mother: she must not only love her child, but also achieve an attunement to him, help him cope with his emotions and learn to restore mental balance, raise him to be confident enough, so that he is ready for risks and possible failures, and also sees and perceives himself holistically, with all his strengths and weaknesses.

Instead, society instills: “she is your mother,” “she gave you life,” “she fed, clothed and supported you,” and finally, “you owe her.” As I often say, in the eyes of public opinion, the accused is always the daughter.

This issue is also fueled by an unwillingness to admit that you were unable to change the relationship because it was beyond your capabilities. As an adult, it's painful to realize that any power you seemed to have was just an illusion.

It is difficult to comprehend the fact that you could do nothing—literally nothing—except to maintain the status quo and endure the pain and humiliation that it entailed.

How to deal with the feeling of guilt and the idea that you are indebted to your mother because she fed, clothed and supported you?

First, put them in the right context. In fact, parents are required by law to provide clothing, food, and shelter for their children and can be punished if they fail to do so. If this is what it means to be a parent, then an orphanage can be called a place where children receive parental care.

Realize how reflexive your feelings of guilt are and trace them back to their roots. Ask yourself to what extent your feelings of guilt are formed by the unfounded opinions of other people who did not even bother to listen to you and understand your point of view. And how much it is strengthened by the cultural myth of the mother...

You may also have personal beliefs, including religious ones, that are important to you, which prompt you to ask this question. If this is the case, seek professional help to learn how to achieve some kind of balance where your views do not interfere with recovery and personal growth. Discussing such issues can be a huge relief.

Signs of a normal relationship between parents and adult daughter

Finally, I would like to touch on the topic of signs of a normal relationship between parents and their grown daughter. Such a discussion will help you understand what you should strive for when interacting with your child. What factors are included in a harmonious relationship? Let's figure it out.

Signs of a good and strong relationship with an adult daughter:

• you often talk on the phone and tell each other about your sorrows and joys;
• you consult with your daughter on important issues and respect her opinion;
• you want to see your grown child as often as possible;
• if your daughter encounters difficult situations in life, then she may come to you for advice, without warning. After all, she knows that she will always be welcome at home;
• if misunderstandings arise between you, then you try to resolve them “on the shore”, without getting into hysterics and scandals;
• your daughter is sincerely concerned about your well-being;
• she trusts you with raising her grandchildren;
• you never try to criticize your adult child for no reason, wanting to raise your own self-esteem or bad mood.

Mothers and Daughters - how to build healthy relationships

As can be understood from all of the above, the ideal relationship between parents and daughter is built on mutual understanding, support and unconditional love, which does not pursue any selfish goals. Only under such conditions will the connection between generations be truly reliable and filled with affection and care.

Article updated: 05/13/2020

"Thin skin"

When you have a wound inside you, you feel the world very keenly. You are good at taking bearings of those wounded like you.

But you are also mega-sensitive to good manifestations addressed to you. And this becomes a “mine”, which in the end is easy to blow up. The man asked you, “How are you?” - and you’re already thinking: “How attentive he is!”, He opened the doors for you - “How caring he is!”, Treated you to ice cream and coffee - “How lucky I am, how cool he is.”

The unloved girl was not used to being asked, given something, or shown attention. Therefore, she repeatedly exaggerates and embellishes what is commonplace for her beloved daughters

And having embellished the ordinary, she no longer sees the real thing - that interest in business can be routinely polite, and ice cream and coffee can talk about male attention, but do not at all clarify what it is and what a man is like

Therefore, she repeatedly exaggerates and embellishes what is commonplace for her beloved daughters. And having embellished the ordinary, she no longer sees the real thing - that interest in business can be routinely polite, and ice cream and coffee can talk about male attention, but do not at all clarify what it is and what a man is like.