Alcohol addiction is stressful for others and the family of the alcoholic. How to live with an alcoholic - advice from a psychologist often helps not just solve the problem, but make important decisions and change the situation for the better.
An alcoholic is a dependent person. The meaning of this addiction lies in the constant craving for alcohol-containing liquids. The life of people who are close to such a person turns into absolute hell. If an alcoholic in a family gives up, the wife and children suffer. The addict does not have the strength to quit without outside help, but even without his firm decision to stop drinking, nothing will come of it. Therefore, the psychologist’s advice concerns behavior and communication with such a person.
Content
- Don't correct an alcoholic's mistakes
- Stop hiding or pouring out alcohol
- Do not humiliate an alcohol addict in front of strangers
- Avoid violence towards the drinker
- Replace naivety with realism
- Don't give medications without a prescription
- Stop hiding your relative's alcoholism
- Stop being in total control
- Avoid conflicts with drunk people
- Stop drinking together and stocking up on alcohol
- Keep taking care of yourself
- Don't be self-flagellation
- Don't try to overcome difficulties on your own
Alcoholism is a problem not only for the addicted person, but also for those around him. Under the influence of the disease, the character changes. An alcoholic goes on a long binge and then his work and social life suffer. Alcohol makes him aggressive and uncontrollable.
Alcohol addiction can deprive a person of work and dull his mental abilities. In addition, loved ones suffer: children, spouses, parents. A relative’s illness can cause them to develop their own addiction, neuroses, and severe depression.
Unfortunately, there is no universal solution to how to learn to live with an alcoholic. Much depends on how much your loved one understands the problem and is ready to solve it. The only thing that can be recommended is: don’t live if you don’t have the strength or desire to do so. But this option is not always possible.
If for some reason you end up with an addict, here are some tips to help you avoid some of the most common pitfalls.
The main reasons why a husband starts drinking
There is an opinion that the main reason why a man drinks heavily is a simple lack of will and weak character. Of course, this occurs, but, as practice shows, there are more compelling reasons.
- Problems in life that are washed down with alcohol. Although previously the couple lived with this and coped without strong drinks. After all, it helps not to think about bad things and to relax. Perhaps your husband is simply trying to relieve stress from pressing problems in everyday life, at work. And he doesn’t know any other method to get rid of nervous tension. When he sees alcohol, his hands begin to shake.
- Ethyl alcohol has a strong effect on the human body, resulting in a persistent addiction. Alcohol affects the human brain centers responsible for pleasure. After the first glass of strong drink, your husband feels a surge of energy, vigor, lightness, his mood improves, and tension is relieved. It is these sensations that make him reach for alcohol over and over again.
- Character traits. This applies to men who have serious problems with emotional instability. It is very difficult for such people to give up alcohol, especially in the company of people who drink.
- Bad heredity. A husband’s love of drinking can also be passed on through heredity.
And when deciding to fight your husband’s drinking, you need to realize that you won’t be able to deal with it quickly. Everything will take time.
Don't correct an alcoholic's mistakes
A typical situation: the son drinks, gets behind the wheel and gets into an accident. Parents immediately go to resolve the conflict with the police, pay fines and compensation, and restore their rights. This should not be done for several reasons.
Firstly, by taking care of your adult relative, you encourage him to take a childish position. A person will not learn to take responsibility for his own actions if problems are constantly solved for him. Gratitude will very soon be replaced by the feeling that the consequences of mistakes are not his concern.
Secondly, you provoke a new relapse. For example, if your loved one has already driven drunk once, nothing will stop him from doing it again. Often such indulgences lead to death - more than half of the crimes are committed while intoxicated.
How to deal with an alcoholic in the family: let them deal with the consequences of their decisions and actions on their own. This will help you quickly realize that a bad habit can ruin your life if you don’t start treatment.
Practical psychology: is the wife of an alcoholic a victim or an accomplice?
In order to deal with any problem, you must first understand and understand its origins, as they say, find out the ins and outs, otherwise all efforts and efforts will be wasted, and you will only experience disappointment and emptiness inside from powerlessness and misunderstanding. Therefore, psychologists have invented a wonderful term - codependency, which must be properly assessed, since it is extremely capacious and accurate. Moreover, this is not even a term, which is a definition completely inapplicable to life, but a real diagnosis, exactly the same as alcoholism.
Need to take into account
Professional psychologists have long since agreed on a common opinion, which would not hurt the wives of alcoholics to find out. No one can ever help an addict in any way unless or until he sincerely wishes to do so. Therefore, the question of how to cure an alcoholic without his desire completely loses its relevance, remaining at the rhetorical level, which does not have and does not require an answer.
Stop hiding or pouring out alcohol
First of all, it is useless. A person suffering from addiction will still find somewhere to drink. If he himself cannot control his own actions, then another is unlikely to succeed.
But the ban on alcohol often gives rise to excitement and the desire to get booze by any means out of a sense of contradiction. Secondly, such behavior can provoke aggression.
Another option is also unacceptable - to patronize the alcoholic in every possible way. Often wives bring their husbands a “hangover” in the morning or buy alcohol themselves so that it is at hand at any time.
Do not humiliate an alcohol addict in front of strangers
This is the basic rule of how to communicate with an alcoholic in the family. Do not shame or humiliate a person - he is sick and cannot pull himself together. He needs the help of a specialist - reading lectures and reproach from loved ones will not help.
What can be done: it is better to talk with a relative, talk about the consequences that result from an unhealthy craving for drinking. These include health problems, loss of a good job and property. Try to convince him to undergo treatment.
By humiliating a relative you:
- you form the belief that he is inferior;
- you show that you do not understand the position of the drunkard, which makes him even more emotionally distant from others;
- provoke resentment, anger, and similar negative emotions.
The addict will fill all these experiences with even larger portions of alcohol.
Avoid violence towards the drinker
When trying to understand how to behave if there is an alcoholic in the family, establish a taboo on physical violence. Please note:
- this is dangerous - a drunk person does not control his own actions and can injure the offender;
- this provokes a feeling of guilt - physical punishment can only aggravate the experiences that a person drowns in alcohol;
- this is fraught with detachment - the addict needs emotional support, he will automatically “close himself” from the offender.
In addition, it is worth remembering: any manifestations of physical violence are illegal. Even a few slaps to vent anger can be the start of a serious fight in which you are the instigator and the responsible party.
What you can do: if you have no strength to restrain aggression towards a perpetually drunk relative, contact a psychological support center and make an appointment with a psychotherapist. One way to solve the problem is to stop living with the alcoholic. In some cases this is still unavoidable.
Psychologist's recommendations for women
Psychologists recommend that a woman who is the bride of an alcoholic, first of all, love herself and ask herself, does she want such a life? If not, then you need to learn to satisfy, first of all, your interests, and not the interests of others. It is also recommended that brides of alcoholics undergo a short training. It consists of asking yourself 2 simple questions. It is better to write down the answers to them on paper, but you need to answer as honestly as possible for yourself.
- Where am I going? It implies a woman’s life goal, her plans, what she would like to see herself in the future, what she would like to see her family like, what she would like to achieve in life.
- Who am I going with? He suggests reconsidering your surroundings, thinking about what place in society the main companion in life occupies.
If, answering these questions, a woman feels unhappy and understands that she will suffer in the future, then such a marriage will not bring happiness and joy to either spouse. And only after a woman honestly answers these 2 questions, she must choose whether to continue this relationship and endure everything that awaits her ahead, or does she want the life that she described when answering the first question!?
In any case, there is always a choice, and the main thing is to choose the right, thoughtful decision so as not to become that same victim.
Replace naivety with realism
Psychiatrists who treat chronic alcoholics say that the main criterion for addiction is the drinker’s categorical refusal to acknowledge the real problem. You need to realize: alcoholism is not a habit. This is a strong psychophysical dependence, similar to drug addiction and other types of addictions.
Understand: alcoholism is a disease, just like diabetes or cancer. If left untreated, the person will die. For example, from cardiovascular pathologies caused by large doses of alcohol, or cirrhosis of the liver. In addition, the risk of suicide or fatal accident increases many times over.
Alcoholism is accompanied by withdrawal symptoms and the formation of the body's tolerance to alcoholic beverages. Therefore, it is impossible to stop drinking on your own. Mandatory assistance from narcologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists is required, as well as a long period of rehabilitation.
Why are codependent women like this?
Women with catastrophically low self-esteem do not get married, but pop out. Whoever paid attention first, who caressed him, with that comes “love.” Because who else will take it, who needs it? Only an alcoholic, and thanks for that. And she doesn’t even realize this to herself.
Low self-esteem is a great field of activity on the basis of which you can cultivate your unfulfilled needs. “I’ll prove to him how wonderful I can be. And I am the mistress, and the wife, and the mistress! With me he will become perfect and stop drinking, where else will he find such a wonderful thing.” And if a man has children from a previous marriage, it’s even better: the need to feel like a heroine plays like a pioneer bugle. This is an unplowed field of possibilities. Here you will prove yourself to be a nurse, a supernanny, and generally a smart and beautiful person. However, the man is in no hurry to appreciate, he continues to drink, the woman’s enthusiasm gradually fades, and irritation increases. The time has come to teach reason.
Moreover, the motivation becomes the rule “from the opposite”, which has never led anyone to anything good. “If I don’t stop my husband from drinking, I’m nothing and no one can call me.” And why? Because since childhood she believes that she is a nonentity. This was instilled in her. And now she, wounded, lives with it.
And real needs make themselves felt. Aggression arises, the need to shout. Therefore, wives of alcoholics
scandalous, nervous, often overweight (as a protection from the world), unkempt (I have no time for that, I have to do something, and anyway he doesn’t sleep with me, that’s the point).
Considering herself an appendage of a man, a woman tries to command him, humiliates him along the way and makes it clear what an insignificance he is (and the longer the marriage, the more often this happens, because bitterness and resentment accumulate). As a result, the husband drinks even more, the wife suffers even more, and there is no end in sight until something happens, or the exhausted woman decides to divorce. But if she doesn’t change herself, she will find... another alcoholic.
Don't give medications without a prescription
The Internet is full of advice on what to do if one of the spouses drinks. Often strangers on forms advise trying miracle pills for drunkenness. But alcoholics rarely realize that they have a serious disorder, so they refuse to take anything.
Do not under any circumstances try to mix unknown drugs into food! This is fraught with a variety of consequences. At best, it's just wasted money. At worst, serious poisoning and death. The addict must take any medications consciously under the supervision of a doctor, knowing about the possible side effects and effects of the medication.
Possible Solution. My husband is an alcoholic, how should I live? Try to convince your relative that he is sick, but he can be helped. Make an appointment with a narcologist and convince him to undergo treatment.
Stop hiding your relative's alcoholism
What to do if there is an alcoholic in the family? This could be a child addicted to alcohol, a spouse, a parent. Do not under any circumstances hide the problem, do not avoid talking about it in the family circle.
Remember: you can solve the problem only after the addict admits that he cannot cope on his own. As long as you remain silent, he and others will get the impression that everything is fine and no intervention is required. However, we also need to talk about alcoholism correctly.
- Try not to react emotionally - a dry statement of facts will bring results sooner than scolding or humiliation.
- Don’t focus on the fact of addiction —it’s better to point out the consequences of drinking and outline the prospects (deterioration of health, loss of work and friends).
- Give hope - say that there is a way out of the situation if you turn to specialists for help.
Alcoholism is a family disease
Statistics on the damage caused by alcoholism in the country, alas, are not kept as thoroughly as we would like. There is only an abstract figure that speaks of the amount of alcohol consumed in Russia, the volume of sales, and data on persons officially registered with drug treatment clinics. And although these values make us think about the problem, the real picture is much more frightening.
Some of the truthful data about the disaster is hidden behind scattered figures - in reports of numerous accidents with injuries and deaths on the roads when the culprit was drunk; behind thousands of fires caused by an alcoholic who fell asleep with a cigarette; behind unmotivated murders in a drunken shop and many other facts. Including behind many, many suicides. Moreover, both alcoholics and their relatives commit suicide, who at some point cannot find the strength to continue living in fear.
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Photo: Depositphotos/Ondrooo
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A person chooses his own path, but this does not give him the right to cripple the life of his neighbor. That’s how it is, but suffering from a person’s drinking is primarily experienced by normal people from his environment. According to psychologists, this game involves an average of up to 16 people (!). Some cover up an alcoholic at work, others save him from troubles every time, others educate him, others feed him, pay his debts, etc.
It is very difficult for people who are not indifferent to the fate of an alcoholic to get off this carousel, especially those closest to the patient. Alexandra, the daughter and wife of alcoholics, was convinced of this by agreeing to tell her story to Izvestia. She, by her own admission, managed to escape from deepest depression and fill her family life with meaning - in the Al-Anon community for relatives of alcoholics.
“Since childhood, I lived in fear of my dad returning from work. This fear was on a physical level. Father was most often brought home by car, and he smelled of alcohol mixed with motor oil. I even developed an unconscious gag reflex to this “bouquet”. Not only did he smell bad, but they always started a scandal with their mother,” Alexandra says about her childhood.
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Using her own example, she revealed a number of characteristics of the family of an alcoholic.
“Alcoholism is when everyone is silent. Nobody understands that this is a disease, that there is essentially no one to blame. Someone is always looking for someone extreme, someone to blame. The resentment for the current conflict is always taken out on someone. Those close to an alcoholic are always lonely. I had no one to talk to. Drawing attention to oneself once again was fraught with risk. There was an illusion in my head that I could fix something. I earned good grades in school so as not to attract negative attention to myself. It seemed that then there would be a calmer atmosphere at home,” says Alexandra. All these ideas turned out to be misconceptions. Alcoholism is a disease of isolation, the girl says.
“Very quickly the guests disappeared from our house. Mom was constantly worried about my father, and at some point she forbade bringing friends into the apartment. My classmates couldn't come to me. Sometimes girlfriends came in, but they had to be rushed out before my father came home,” says Izvestia’s interlocutor. These actions were dictated by a reluctance to wash dirty linen in public.
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Photo: Global Look Press/imagebroker/Michaela Begsteiger
This practice is destructive, Alexandra believes, as it isolates people from help.
“There was no one to even speak out about what was boiling over, which is 2-3 scandals every week. There was a family taboo,” she says.
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She remembers how she poured a bottle of vodka she found at her father’s house down the sink, believing that the enemy was inside.
“The scandal was terrible, my mother got it. I tried to intercede, but no one heard me in the heat of the moment. This was a lifelong lesson for me: fighting the investigation, taking away alcohol from an addict is pointless,” recalls Alexandra.
The attempts that her mother made to discourage her father from using turned out to be meaningless - exhortations, promises, scandals and tears - all this turned out to be a waste of time and effort. The man continued to drink. Out of despair, Alexandra’s mother even added some drugs to her food, alcohol, and completed psychic courses to influence the head of the family. All for nothing. Even placing the man (with his consent) in rehabilitation did not help; he was discharged from there after two weeks.
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To escape from the hell at home, Alexandra quickly got married.
“I made a vow to myself that I would never make my mother’s mistake. But... quite naturally, I ended up being the wife of an alcoholic,” the girl continues.
Constant self-pity, closedness to friends - this was the case for several years of family life. On top of everything, the husband began to raise his hand against Alexandra, which even her father did not allow.
“I was still under the illusion that with my calls and actions I would help him. She led him by the hand to get a job, solved his financial problems. At some point, I had the idea that the problem was in me, in my attitude to what was happening,” says the girl.
At that moment, the interlocutor admits, she did not want to live, she felt the deepest depression. “I thought, if I’m gone, who will the child stay with? This then gave me strength to move forward,” she says.
The well-known psychiatrist-narcologist, a leading specialist in the field of family psychology, Valentina Moskalenko, to whom the girl turned, advised her to go to self-help groups in her particular case.
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“I didn’t immediately follow her advice, I admit. The turning point was a conversation with a man who had not seen me for three years. A friend said to my face: “What have you become? You’re all in fear.” She was right, I didn’t even want basic feminine pleasures—buying a dress, for example. Just an endless feeling of fear,” she says. Alexandra spent hours tormenting herself with thoughts that, for example, her husband had been killed, drawing the likely consequences of something that had not yet happened. After a decisive conversation with her friend, Sasha came to a self-help community for relatives of alcoholics. There she was warmly greeted by those who understood her completely.
“Neither my best friend, nor even my mother understood me the way the people there did. When they talked about themselves, about their experiences, it seemed that they were talking about me. They told me at the end if you want, come to us again. And they didn't ask for anything in return. So I continued going to these groups,” says the girl.
One of the main recommendations that Alexandra received while attending the meetings was to give the alcoholic back his responsibility for his actions. “Relatives act as crutches for a sick person. But sometimes you need to let him fall, make a mistake and face its consequences yourself,” the girl explains the essence of the approach. Alexandra followed the recommendations of other community members, and the situation in her family began to change. No, her husband did not stop drinking alcohol, alas. And yet he became more responsible.
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“At some point, I found the strength in myself and set a number of conditions for him. And, oddly enough, he agreed to them. For 2.5 years now, our apartment has been a territory of sobriety. Neither I nor my son saw him drunk all this time. If he wants to use, he goes to friends, out of town, anywhere. He became close to his son, with whom he had not communicated at all before - it turns out that he can be trusted with the child with confidence that he will not get drunk. It seems to me that he saw that I began to change myself, and reached out to me,” says Alexandra.
Avoid conflicts with drunk people
Alcohol intoxication seriously changes the perception of external reality, values and priorities of the drinker. Therefore, you should not try to reason with a relative by beating or swearing.
How not to provoke an alcoholic into aggression? Unfortunately, under the influence of alcohol, people often behave inappropriately and see everyone as an enemy. Therefore, it is not always possible to avoid conflict - alcoholics tend to start them themselves.
What you can do: Talk to your loved one when he sobers up. Talk about his unacceptable behavior. Let him understand that if this happens again, it will lead to negative consequences: divorce, moving, etc.
Under no circumstances should you: swear and make a scene, humiliate a person, try to lecture, beat or show violence in any other way. All the same, in such a state a person cannot normally perceive even the most correct arguments.
Stop drinking together and stocking up on alcohol
The drunkard gradually moves away from his family - he has more interests with his drinking buddies than with his husband, wife, and children. To overcome this emotional coldness, many people start drinking with their partner so as not to lose him completely.
This is a fatal mistake! According to statistics, more than half of alcoholics began to abuse alcohol precisely under the influence of a relative: one of the parents, husband, wife. Under no circumstances should you drink with an alcoholic - this is the path to your own alcoholism and a ruined life.
How to break up with your alcoholic husband?
After everything that happened, I very quickly found the strength to rent an apartment and leave. Without a penny of money, without the things necessary for life. How to break up with your alcoholic husband? I repaired and sold my old car. This money was enough for moving, a washing machine and my dream - a laptop. What happiness it was because it seemed to me that the worst was over. I stood on my weak legs, but on my own. Plans emerged, and I began to take my first steps... I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew exactly where I was trying to escape from. Isn't this happiness?
Keep taking care of yourself
Spouses or parents of drinkers are easy to recognize: gradually their appearance begins to resemble the appearance of the drinker. This is not surprising: a drunkard often organizes get-togethers at home with friends and takes out the negativity on loved ones. Drinking causes domestic violence. The addiction of one family member affects everyone else
Remember that first of all you should think about how to help yourself, and not sacrifice your own life for the sake of your partner. Get a divorce if your spouse is an alcoholic and refuses to admit it. Rent separate housing if your child or parent abuses alcohol and becomes aggressive.
Possible Solution. Of course, it’s not always possible to solve everything by breaking up. For example, minor children cannot just leave their drinking parents. Very often they themselves start drinking and follow in their footsteps. If radical steps are not possible, you should seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Literature:
- Shabanov P.D. Narcology: A practical guide for doctors. - M.: GEOTAR-MED, 2006. - 560 p.: ill.
- Eryshev O.F., Rybakova T.G., Shabanov P.D. Alcohol addiction: formation, course, anti-relapse therapy. - St. Petersburg: Publishing house "ELBI-SPb", 2002. - 192 p.
- Bekhtel E.E. Prenosological forms of alcohol abuse. - M.: Medicine, 1986. - 272 p.: ill.
- Strikalov A.V. Alcoholism: tricks and subtleties. - M.: Buk-press, 2006. - 347 p.
The text was checked by medical experts: Head of the socio-psychological service of the Alkoklinik MC, psychiatrist-narcologist L.A. Serova.
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Don't be self-flagellation
Often relatives tend to blame themselves for their loved one’s addiction. Parents feel that they have given little to their child; children may think that their imperfections are the cause of their elders’ alcoholism.
Social norms also contribute to this - many in society believe that good spouses do not have husbands or wives who become drunkards. But that's not true.
The development of addiction is influenced by many factors: active gene combinations, metabolic characteristics, upbringing, environment and social attitudes. Therefore, it is not the fault of one person.
What happens to the nervous system of an alcohol addict?
It may seem that lovers of “fire water” are quiet drinkers who only think about where to get the next bottle and “drink.” Actually this is not true. Alcohol lovers, completely ignoring the generally accepted rules of coexistence in society, invade the space of relatives, friends, and acquaintances. They do not plan such actions - the “green snake” leads to degradation: physiological processes in the brain are disrupted, including social skills. In other words:
- nerve signals are transmitted differently than normal;
- neurons malfunction;
- neurotransmitters are produced with disturbances.
Assumptions that a drunkard can be brought to the path of truth through persuasion alone are incorrect. The central nervous system is the same material as other organs and tissues. Resuming its work in case of severe disorders without resorting to treatment is like trying to persuade a stomach ulcer to disappear, and “healing” a fracture with a lecture on the importance of movement.
