How to deal with an alcoholic husband: 20 effective tips ⇒ blog by Yaroslav Samoilov

What to do if your husband drinks every day? Family relationships in which a spouse abuses alcohol-containing liquids resemble a delayed-action explosive device. A drinking husband is completely unpredictable. It is impossible to predict what mood the drinker will be in today. People who interact closely with the bottle are more often insecure subjects trying to find oblivion at the bottom of the glass. Often, having observed the wild life of their own parents since childhood, they adopt a similar behavioral model for themselves. In addition, men who do not have psychological stability can also become victims of the “green serpent.”

Coupling of a negative state with an external cause

The next stage in the development of the state of breakdown is “coupling with an external cause.”
We begin to believe that our mood has worsened due to some external reason. There is a “projection of pain” onto external circumstances.

I wrote about this process in detail in a new article, “Projection of Pain.” I advise you to read it.

We think we feel bad because:

That you are tired or overworked,
We need to rest
Some external problem in life,
Problems at work
Problems in personal life
The difficulties of our life
Or due to other external circumstances,

However, the worsening mood is caused by past drinking and we begin to experience withdrawal symptoms (negative feelings and sensations). You can find out in detail what this is from my article “Symptoms of Withdrawal.”

If we attach these feelings to an external cause, then

the state of breakdown intensifies;
without realizing it, we add fuel to the fire that burns inside us;
we begin to rock the boat we are sitting in.

“I’m afraid to die, and also what my children will drink”

According to Nikita, alcohol changes consciousness and destroys the body. You've been drinking and you don't care.

- This is weakness. And there is strong shame. Alcohol erodes important microelements in the body - calcium, potassium, magnesium, and problems with the heart, nervous system, and even panic attacks begin. You skipped work, and with a hangover a monstrous shame and fear comes over you, you don’t know how to show up in front of your boss. When the hangover goes away, your conscience no longer torments you so much.

—Aren’t you afraid of dying from cirrhosis or stroke?

- Happens. But only in a state of hungover guilt and panic attacks. Alcohol is not perceived as a danger - it is sold.

I started coding. This is a generally accepted word; it refers to forced methods of giving up alcohol. I was given injections several times - a special substance was injected into a vein that blocked the breakdown of alcohol. When I got coded for the first time, I showed the certificate to my wife - calm down, they say, finally. And I went everywhere with this certificate - I was not allowed any alcohol, not even a few drops of Valoserdin. But when coding ended, and this happened after 3 months, I started drinking again. Once I was in such despair that I went and surrendered to a drug treatment clinic. The hangover was so severe that I needed professional medical help. They dug me out for a week, after which I was “stitched up.” I installed a spiral, it used to be called a torpedo.

But instead of the promised three years, the spiral in Nikita’s body lasted only 9 months. And everything started again.

- Remember this famous moment in “The Master and Margarita”, when Styopa Likhodeev wakes up and, characteristically, it is Woland who offers him a hangover? There really is a dark meaning in this,” Nikita smiles bitterly. — I believe that now I am an alcoholic in remission. Now I’m afraid of dying, so I’ve set strict rules for myself that I try to honestly follow - don’t drink for two days in a row, don’t drink during the day, no matter how much you want to. They say that you need to replace it with something, find yourself a hobby.

I'm afraid of a monstrous hangover, when my muscles cramp, it's similar to the state of withdrawal, as heroin addicts describe it.

What stops me is that it is impossible to avoid this condition. It's not willpower, it's fear.

—Aren't you afraid that your children will drink?

- Afraid. And I don't want this. Despite all my binges and alcoholism, I always remained a social type, I always had a job, I did not drink with homeless people at a kiosk. There are millions like us all over the country. But I wouldn’t wish such a share on my children.

How can a man quit alcohol on his own?

Quitting drinking on your own is difficult, but possible, unless the addiction has turned into physical craving and we are not talking about stage 2 of alcoholism.

Awareness of the problem

You need powerful motivation to drown out the need for artificial stimulation of the body.

It is important to establish the root causes that force you to reach for the bottle over and over again. The most common:

Alcohol relieves stress.
Drinking gives you self-confidence.
A small amount of alcohol is good for your health.
Alcohol addiction cannot be cured (the principle is that then there is no need to quit).

Each of these reasons is insignificant and is easily refuted by both simple logic and medical facts. Suffice it to say that if you eliminate alcohol from your life, then no loss will occur. But addiction can take everything away.

Changing an established lifestyle

Although the support of loved ones and friends is important, it is more important to support yourself, to remind yourself that this is a path that you need to go through yourself. Internal confidence in the correctness of the decision will help you move on to practical actions that will help you get rid of your destructive addiction.

What to do with cravings for alcohol?

Our advice is to create such conditions and lifestyle for yourself that thoughts about alcohol are completely replaced by the need for a fulfilling life. And these conditions are not at all difficult.

Tell your family and friends about your decision. This way you will enlist their support, and no one will come to visit with an unexpected temptation in the form of alcohol.
Avoid alcohol anywhere. The sight of alcohol can cause additional stress, so it should be completely removed from the home and parties and events where alcohol is served should be avoided. Avoid liquor stores, beer stores, and liquor departments in stores. If a feast cannot be avoided, find a compromise or a plausible excuse not to drink. You will find such strength within yourself.
Good sleep and nutrition. A sleep-deprived or hungry body is a strong provocateur. If basic physiological needs are met, then the body is relaxed and protected from stress; it does not need additional stimulation.
Reward yourself. A sober lifestyle should be enjoyable. So choose entertainment, shop, plan a trip.
Make a plan so you don't leave yourself with free time. The busy pace of life is a barrier to the pointless waste of a period of life with a bottle of alcohol.
Take up a hobby. Maybe it will be a forgotten activity from childhood or something spied on the Internet. It is important to create factors that replace the desire to drink.
Physical exercise. Sports and physical labor are not the only loads that are so important for good heart function. Physical activity promotes the production of happiness hormones.
We understand that quitting alcohol on your own is difficult. There will be moments when you want to give up on everything. Sessions with a psychologist will help you stay on your chosen path and achieve your desired goal - a sober life.

When you realize that everything is working out, your new lifestyle will tell you which healthy habits and activities give you maximum pleasure.

there is hope

If the husband is an alcoholic, what should a woman do? The psychologist’s advice depends on each specific case: there is simply no universal answer that would suit every woman. Usually you have to act according to circumstances, and do the best you can even when the situation is bad.

And here it is very important to remember and realize the fact that the most significant factor that will force an alcoholic to change is pain and loss. The alcoholic must face the consequences of his actions: physically, emotionally, socially, financially

This motivates him to look for opportunities to improve the situation. This is what psychologists mean when they give advice when they say: “Don’t cover up, don’t shield, don’t justify, and don’t lie.”

The alcoholic must realize that he is responsible for his actions. If you manage to get through this period, applying the advice of psychologists in practice, perhaps (although not necessarily), the moment will come when the drunkard is ready to change. If you see this moment and talk to him openly and seriously about alcoholism, this can give results, and the person will take the path of sobriety.

Treatment with a narcologist

Professional help using medications and psychotherapy is the only way to cure alcoholism. All other methods - folk recipes, coding, spells, etc. - temporarily weaken the symptoms, and the person abstains from drinking for some time, but invariably returns to it.

If you manage to persuade a person to encode - and this procedure can only be voluntary - then the desire to drink will not completely disappear. Fear or an instilled aversion to alcohol will force a person to abstain from drinking. As a rule, after forced sobriety, drunkenness only intensifies.

Therefore, during the period of sobriety, you need to try to convince your spouse that it will become easier for him only after treatment. The following can help you make the right decision:

Fear of losing family
Risk of dismissal from work,
The appearance of diseases.

The most reliable treatment is in a specialized hospital. There is no risk that a person will suddenly lose his temper or that his drinking buddies will pass him the drink. But the course of treatment is long - about 3 months, and some medications may need to be taken after discharge.

The man's consent is also required for hospitalization. The only reason for compulsory hospitalization of an alcoholic is delirium tremens or other psychosis, in which the alcoholic is aggressive and dangerous.

If a woman wants to stay

In any case, when answering the question of whether it is worth saving a marriage if the husband drinks, you need to make decisions with your eyes completely open, be aware of all the consequences of your actions, not hide from reality, and see things as they really are. If it is obvious that he will not stop drinking, you need to break up, but if there is hope, you can try to save the relationship.

If a woman does not drink and hates drunkenness, but wants to save the marriage, the only way out is to strengthen her position. We must clearly set the boundaries of what is permitted and firmly stand our ground. The husband must understand what behavior is accepted and what behavior is never acceptable. After all, it’s impossible to do otherwise with a drinking husband. How else to save the family if you don’t bring to his attention what is possible and what is not? Naturally, we must do everything possible to get the husband to stop.

Psychologists, when talking about how to behave with an alcoholic husband, advise adhering to the following points:

Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be insulted: neither physically nor verbally. Therefore, we need to make him understand that he will be held accountable for this by law. As a last resort, you can call the police. But here you need to know: while it works on some, it infuriates others.
You should never cover up the misdeeds of a drunken husband: an alcoholic must learn to reap the fruits of his actions.
There is no need to lie to shield him from all problems.
There is no need to solve his problems for him. If an alcoholic wakes up and comes out of his drinking bout, and his wife has done all the work for him, he will not have much motivation or desire to change.
You should not try to protect your husband from himself.
There is no need to cut corners.
You should not humiliate your husband, respond to insults with insults, or say that he is a pathetic drunk. This will lower his self-esteem, cause internal protest and worsen the situation.
Don’t forget about yourself: you need to take care of your cultural development and spiritual growth. You also need to find friends and like-minded people who will help you cope and get through difficult times.

It is very important not to turn a blind eye to the interests of children. Therefore, if an alcoholic hurts the feelings of children through his actions, this must be brought to his attention.

Children should also be allowed to express their indignation and dissatisfaction. But at the same time, it is important to teach children and explain what a difficult condition the father is in, that he is forced to do this and he is not a bad person at all. Otherwise they will despise him.

A woman who has decided to save her family should know that it is almost impossible to force an alcoholic to stop drinking if he does not want to. Therefore, any attempts to hide alcohol from him are ineffective: he will definitely find a way to get around this prohibition. However, you need to make sure that there is no alcohol at home: if an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, one type of alcohol will make him change his mind.

Choosing behavioral tactics

The problem must be voiced, informing everyone who can influence the person and bring him back to life. After talking with people who are important to the alcoholic, whose words have weight for him, he can think about what is happening.

When a person is drunk, there is no need to bring down all your anger on him - it is useless and even dangerous. You just need to put him to bed. It’s worth waiting for sobriety to talk about painful things. You cannot remain silent about the problem; it is important to convey to the alcoholic how much stress he plunges the whole family into, how unhappy he makes loved ones. Perhaps this will make him change his mind.

It is important to talk about the problem, but you should not do it all the time; it is advisable to choose some frequency. Forcing an alcoholic to seek treatment or quit drinking is a bad strategy.

How to live with such a person: advice from psychologists

Living with an alcoholic is a real hell for a woman. Every day is unpredictable, and the wife waits with horror to see what state and mood the husband will be in. Such a nervous environment negatively affects health, both physical and mental. If you still choose to live with an alcoholic, despite the significant disadvantages of such an existence, the following advice from a psychologist will help you:

Assess the situation. Why are you with an alcoholic now? Perhaps because you have taken the position of a victim, you like to be pitied by your family and friends, and then it is simply convenient for you to live with a drunkard. In this case, there is always something to complain about and receive a dose of support and love. Or you are in the role of a rescuer, you feel needed by this person, which gives you moral satisfaction and meaning in life. The third possible reason, but the rarest, is that you yourself have driven your husband to the brink with constant reproaches, accusations and moral mockery. And now you’re used to taking out all the negativity on him, so you’re not going to leave him. Where else to pour out anger and fatigue, if not on your own husband? Try to assess the situation from the outside and understand for yourself the reason for your being with an alcoholic, and also weigh the pros and cons.

Don't wait for change. An insignificant number of men are cured of alcoholism. There is no point in waiting for a miracle. This disease is very serious, as it causes both physical and psychological dependence on ethanol. An alcoholic's brain will never be the same, and neither will his soul. She becomes callous and incapable of true love. It’s better to accept the fact that your husband will remain an alcoholic, rather than flatter yourself with vain hopes. If you can’t imagine living with a drunkard all your life, then it’s better to break up right away. Maybe your departure will finally give the necessary impetus to start treating your spouse for alcoholism.

Do not try to secretly cure a man without his knowledge and desire. Without a personal desire to heal, nothing can be done. Even if you put medicine in his food, you will only get a short-term effect. Without a dose of medication, the husband will drink the bottle again. And after he realizes that you were fraudulently trying to overcome his craving for alcohol, he may harbor a grudge against you and completely abandon thoughts of rehabilitation. The psyche of an alcoholic is like a crystal vase; it must be handled with care so as not to damage it.

Don't give him money and don't give in to blackmail. Everything is clear with money, if he wants to drink, let him earn it himself

After all, work is about contact with people, financial independence and a sense of self-worth, which is important so that a person does not sink to the very bottom. If you constantly provide him with the means to drink alcohol, the man will completely relax and sit on your neck, not worrying about anything else.

Alcoholics become excellent manipulators, and their wives often succumb to blackmail. Don’t make a similar mistake - don’t allow yourself to be manipulated, stopping even timid attempts at threats.

Don't drink it yourself. An alcoholic should have a positive example before his eyes - a wife who steadfastly endures life's adversities in a sober state. However, next to a drinking spouse, it is easy to take up the bottle yourself. Don’t be like your husband’s weaknesses, don’t drink with him. Otherwise, you can relax, succumb to the desire to escape from this terrible reality and also drink yourself to death. Two alcoholics in a family will definitely not be able to get out and cure their painful craving for alcohol. If you have children, then lead a sober lifestyle, at least for their sake, since dad is no longer successful as a parent.

See a psychotherapist. Most likely, you live with a drunkard due to incorrect life attitudes and a nervous disorder: neurosis or depression. A relationship with an alcoholic is unlikely to bring joy and happiness into your life, and you remain married to him because you depend on your husband. You are used to living by saving your spouse or escaping from his aggression, and you are gradually losing all chances to correct the situation and take the right path. Contact a specialist to get rid of destructive attitudes and reconsider your destructive relationship with your husband.

You have read the advice of a psychologist on how to live with an alcoholic in the same apartment. Remember about your personal happiness, which you are unlikely to find in tandem with such a man. If you do not yet understand the dangers of a relationship with a drunk, study the serious negative consequences of such unions.

Symptoms and signs of alcoholism in men

Alcohol addiction changes a person beyond recognition. Surely, both next to you and on the Internet, you could see how a person’s appearance changes after the disease has taken hold of a man. External changes are reinforced by changes in behavior and character.

External signs

It is impossible to make a mistake if a man exhibits the following signs:

Swelling, especially in the cheeks and eyelids.
Enlarged, purple nose with pronounced vascular network.
Tremor of the limbs.
Dull, brittle hair, baldness.
If beer alcoholism: weight gain, gynecomastia, characteristic beer belly.
A reddish tint to the skin as a result of stress vasodilation.
Sloppiness, unpleasant odor emanating from the body.

If you find these signs in your husband, you should remember that early treatment can completely rid him of addiction quite quickly. The main thing is to go to the clinic on time.

Changes in behavior

There are no exceptions here - any addicted man experiences changes in behavior. This could be aggression, apathy, depression, recklessness, quarrelsomeness, the desire to start a scandal, anxiety. Behavior can vary from unbridled joy to sudden aggression and even physical violence.

An alcoholic has only one value system: another dose of alcohol. Everything else is either indifferent to him or causes irritation.

Signs of chronic alcoholism in men

You can talk about chronic addiction if your husband or loved one exhibits the following signs:

The man experiences a strong craving for alcohol.
There is no vomiting reaction.
The habit of “treating” a hangover with a morning dose of alcohol.
Uncontrolled drinking of alcohol to the point of unconsciousness.

A chronic alcoholic wants to drink at any opportunity, he does not need a reason. Gradually the man degrades as a person.

Temperance movement.

Currently, the most effective strategy to combat alcoholism is the promotion of a healthy lifestyle.

, and not only and not so much by the state, but by civil organizations.

One of the first mass temperance movements took place in Russia in 1858–1859. Thousands of villages and villages, hundreds of thousands of people made decisions to close drinking establishments. Temperance societies began to emerge in many provinces (Kovno, Saratov, Kursk, Tula and others). However, this spontaneously started teetotaling movement was interrupted by the rude interference of official authorities who were not interested in reducing revenues from the excise tax on alcohol.

A new wave of temperance sentiments arose in Russia at the end of the 19th century. By 1914, there were 400 temperance societies operating in the country. The tsarist government continued to slow down the temperance movement: even to give a lecture on the dangers of alcohol, the temperance society had to obtain special permission from the trustee of the educational district and the governor. The Minister of Finance said that “the requirement of complete sobriety is contrary to the generally accepted opinion about the benefits of moderate consumption of strong drinks.” Despite resistance from above, in 1909 the first All-Russian congress to combat drunkenness was held in St. Petersburg. The Standing Commission under the Russian Society for the Protection of Public Health has developed a number of provisions that have not lost their relevance to this day. Let us point out as an example the following thesis: “As a poisonous substance, alcohol in any dilution cannot be counted among the strengthening or nutritious products and generally should not be considered in any respect “necessary” or “useful” for a normal body.”

The period of the most massive temperance movement in Russia was 1928–1930. In 1928, an organizational meeting of temperance initiative groups opened in the Moscow club named after Kukhmistrov. Several thousand participants in this meeting approved the charter of the Society for the Fight against Alcoholism (OSSA), which existed until 1932. However, this time, too, the civil struggle against drunkenness was suppressed, since the Soviet state did not tolerate public organizations independent of it. The temperance movement did not revive in post-Soviet Russia either.

America has more effective experience in the civil fight against drunkenness.

The American temperance movement has a long history, stretching back to the early 19th century. But if previous advocates of sobriety came out with demands for a complete ban on the “devil’s potion,” today effective programs for overcoming alcoholism are focused on painstaking, systematic work to change existing sociocultural norms. This involves, first of all, preventive work with children and adolescents, constant promotion of an alcohol-free lifestyle in the media, and increased taxes on alcohol producers. The US experience shows that a stable change in this norm requires at least 5–7 years of active action to implement such a program.

In the treatment of alcoholism, methods of group psychotherapy, as well as various forms of group psychological support for social rehabilitation, are demonstrating increasing effectiveness. The most famous experience of this kind is the activities of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) society, which originated in 1935 in the USA. It has become an example to be followed in other countries. AA is an informal fellowship of recovering and recovered alcoholics who promote healthy lifestyles through discussion meetings and support groups for other recovering but still drinking people.

Already in the 1970s, a steady decline in deaths from liver cirrhosis began in the United States, reflecting a decrease in alcoholism. As a result of promoting a healthy lifestyle over the past decade, the frequency of alcoholism among American adults has decreased from 4.4% in 1992 to 3.8% in 2002. However, at the same time, a less painful addiction to alcohol - the habit of drinking in stressful situations - has increased significantly (from 1. 6 to 4.7% of the adult population).

Thus, by the beginning of the 21st century. It is generally accepted that alcoholism as a social disease can be, if not overcome, then at least stabilized. However, this is only possible through a long-term policy, without hopes of quick returns.

Vukolova Tatyana

,
Latov Yuri

Some tips

There are a number of tricks that make it easier to treat your son’s alcohol addiction, while reducing the risk of relapse:

If you see that your son himself is trying to give up alcohol, but in the end he still breaks down and takes a new dose, do not scold him. On the contrary, in such a situation you need praise - without it, there will be no more attempts to quit drinking.
All family members should stop drinking alcohol. It’s good if there isn’t a single bottle of alcohol left in the house.
Spend more time with your son: go for walks, attend entertainment events, have heart-to-heart conversations.
We need to help change our son’s social circle. In most cases, binge drinking begins “under the influence” of a certain company. No company - no binge.

How to behave correctly during sobriety

Any, even the longest and most severe binges end. When a person is absolutely sober and able to think adequately, you should talk to him about the problem. To make the conversation productive, psychologists advise following the following rules:

speak calmly and openly;
try to listen to the interlocutor without interrupting;
do not show strong emotions, speak to the point, arguing your arguments;
do not praise or admire the fact that a person does not drink during a particular period.

During such conversations, a woman should make every effort to explain the scale and tragedy of the problem. If the drinker understands and is aware of his illness, there is every chance that he will agree to deal with the problem, including with the help of specialists.

Completely stop drinking alcohol, preferring a healthy, sober lifestyle.
Try not to attend holidays and celebrations where there is plenty of alcohol. This could trigger another binge.
You should not constantly monitor the drinker, ask in detail where he was, with whom he communicated. Otherwise, he will begin to hide, tell lies, or even get angry and avoid the conversation.
Do not remember past events that occurred during a binge, even if the behavior of the drinker went beyond all bounds of decency.

Other useful tips on how to deal with an alcoholic

It is important to remember that it is very difficult to fight alcohol addiction in a husband or other family member on your own. Therefore, it is better to gain understanding and support from loved ones, friends, and familiar colleagues.

It is necessary to stop all attempts by an alcoholic to attend noisy events and celebrations where alcohol is necessarily present. In some situations, you will have to accompany your husband and control the amount of drinking, as well as behavior.

Stages of alcohol dependence in men

All men develop addiction differently. It all depends on the initial indicators of personality and physical health. However, it is safe to say that physical dependence can manifest itself in as little as 6-12 months after starting regular alcohol consumption.

First stage

It is characterized by a psychological craving for alcohol: a man drinks every time he experiences stress. At the same time, it finds an explanation for any reason for use: a holiday, a difficult day, etc. Gradually, the man ceases to control the amount of alcohol he drinks.

Second stage

Characterized by the development of binge drinking. During periods of enlightenment in a state of abstinence, a man “cures” a hangover with a glass of alcohol. Cognitive functions are gradually lost and physical cravings develop. The man ceases to be interested in his old life.

Third stage

Drunkenness becomes almost uncontrollable. At this stage, withdrawal becomes painful, and rapid personality degradation occurs. Physical health is seriously impaired, leading to irreversible consequences. The appearance changes: swelling, tremors of the limbs, and hyperemia appear.

What is alcoholism?

The Great Soviet Encyclopedia defines alcoholism as a “chronic progressive mental disease.” This means that first of all, a person develops psychological dependence, and not physical, which occurs already in the second or third stages, but more on that later. As long as the disease has not gone too far, you can and should fight it yourself. Medical assistance is required only in the most advanced cases, which, hopefully, will not happen.

You can cope with alcoholism on your own, even after several years of regular “libations.”

It is difficult to determine the degree of dependence on your own, especially since it is difficult to assess the situation objectively “from the inside,” but the following signs should alert you:

“non-alcoholic” parties are becoming boring - it’s unclear why you should leave the house at all if you can’t drink where you’re invited. It seems that such an event will be boring, dreary, there will be nothing to talk about, everyone will sit, staring at the ceiling, and sipping tea;
a person begins to drink alone - not in company, as a socially unifying action, but solely to achieve a state of alcoholic intoxication. It doesn’t have to be something strong: it can be beer or a low-alcohol cocktail - the main thing is that it contains alcohol;
a sober state is associated with increased anxiety and a feeling of discomfort;
it becomes difficult not to drink for several days in a row - even if objective circumstances require it, for example, taking antibiotics, the need to work or study;
suspicious attitude towards non-drinkers. It seems that a normal person simply cannot help but drink - a decrease in criticality towards the problem of alcoholism, a subconscious desire to justify it;
amnesia during severe intoxication. More and more often, after drinking, a person cannot remember what happened yesterday and at what moment he lost control over himself and what was happening. The day after the party turns into “time for amazing stories.”

Most often, people start drinking in adolescence, around 15-16 years old. It is noteworthy that at first no one likes alcohol - beer is bitter, vodka is too strong and burns, there is no money for more expensive and tasty alcohol. Young adults drink literally beyond their control, and there are several reasons for this:

“Herd mentality” - in teenage groups, alcohol becomes the main connecting element;
desire to look more mature and “cooler”;
Shyness - alcohol helps you feel more confident and make it easier to communicate, especially in a new company.

For adults, the reasons are similar, except perhaps the desire to look older. It is replaced, on the contrary, by the desire to again feel the “unbearable lightness of being”, as in youth, to renounce pressing problems, to relieve oneself of the burden of responsibility. People start drinking to cope with self-doubt, fear, and anxiety.

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The dangers of alcoholism

To get rid of it and remove the harmful effects that ethanol has caused to the body, often requires not only the desire of the patient, but also the help of doctors, including a narcologist and a psychologist.

It should be said that family life with an alcoholic is a situation that is abnormal in nature, even if the husband does not beat or insult. The fact is that alcoholism in a family has long-term consequences for each member: physical, emotional, spiritual, social. The mental trauma that a non-drinking wife of an alcoholic receives remains with her unhealed until old age. And children who grew up in an environment of constant conflicts due to alcoholism will acquire stable antisocial character traits under this influence. And no one in such a situation will be able to maintain mental stability and health.

The problem is that an alcoholic is not able to be a normal, responsive person who adequately responds to the emotional needs of others. Most active alcoholics are constantly self-absorbed, unable to see reality, constantly denying everything, irresponsible, incapable of normal communication and true intimacy. Therefore, the question arises: is it worth living with an alcoholic? After all, alcoholics cannot understand that their behavior hurts others, and often do not bother themselves to fulfill their obligations and do not keep promises.

This negatively affects family relationships. The feelings of the family are divided. On the one hand, they feel compassion for the alcohol addict and believe that they should provide him with psychological assistance aimed at helping him stop drinking. On the other hand, people are deeply outraged and offended by his actions towards them. After all, calming down a drunk person is often not easy.

All this has an extremely strong negative impact on the family of an alcoholic. Therefore, many wives look at divorce from an alcoholic as a long-awaited relief. But they are so mired in their sad routine that they simply do not know how to get rid of their tyrant and alcoholic husband.

Consequences of alcoholism in men

The consequences of male alcoholism can be so catastrophic that even a fatal outcome may seem like a deliverance.

The consequences for physical and mental health are:

Cardiovascular pathologies: heart attack, stroke, etc.
Liver pathologies: cirrhosis, hepatitis, etc.
Gastrointestinal diseases.
Mental pathologies.
Loss of cognitive functions.

At the last stage of alcoholism, a man’s personality completely degrades - he is no longer the same person he was before.

An alcoholic completely loses social connections, he has no moral guidelines, his only goal becomes instinct - to get and drink the next dose of alcohol.

There comes a time when a man loses his social status, he no longer has friends except his drinking buddies. The family is unable to withstand such a test and refuses it.

An alcoholic loses everything: a good job, income, and a loving family are left behind. Alienation and marginal lifestyles become a fact

That is why it is so important to start treatment as early as possible, not to bring the person to the last line.

Wives of alcoholics

In psychology, there is even a certain category of disorders called “Wife of an Alcoholic.”
Do you want to know why women return to alcoholics? In psychology, there is even a certain category of disorders called “The Alcoholic’s Wife.” Such women are characterized by certain traits:

this is a wife who plays the role of a mother in relation to her husband;
she treats her husband as her child;
takes care of him and educates him;
cannot imagine her life without her husband.

Moreover, a woman can not only return to an alcoholic, but also several times unknowingly begin a new relationship with an alcoholic. That is, at the beginning of the relationship, the man seems quite normal and attractive to her, but over time, history repeats itself, and he becomes or turns out to be an alcoholic. Such women manage, even after several unsuccessful marriages with alcoholics, to start a relationship again with a man who is not indifferent to alcohol. The question arises, why do women look for alcoholic husbands?

If a woman returned to an alcoholic or found a new husband with the same addiction, then there are several reasons:

She likes a man who is dependent on alcohol, not because he is a drunkard, but because at first she sees in him those qualities and character traits that attract her. However, in the future they disappear due to prolonged drinking. In the future, the wife continues to cling to her husband, looking for and collecting in this degraded personality the remnants of his positive qualities.
The personality of an alcoholic is characterized by the fact that in this life he is constantly tense and unhappy, so with the help of alcohol he becomes happier, braver and more liberated. For women, these qualities in themselves are quite attractive.
Often women may like the compliments of an alcoholic, his skillful and charming manner, his stories about his previous unhappy life without her.
Moreover, alcohol at the initial stage of influence gives men's movements smoothness, softness and a certain tenderness. A psychologically unstable woman may react positively to this. She likes men with such manners and behavior.
If alcohol allows a man to become more confident and courageous, then he can earn good money, be strong-willed and achieve a lot, which is very much appreciated by women. But all this is only at an early stage.

However, all the energy and success of such an alcoholic is very deceptive. It is more aimed at making money and drinking. Returning to such a man after a while, you will notice that he began to drink more alcohol, personality degradation began, his qualifications decreased, and the bottle became his main interest.

Do you want to know how to avoid raising a girl who will unconsciously be attracted to an alcoholic? The thing is that from their very youth, many girls are taught that they need to look for a worthy person with whom she can build a relationship, family and happiness. However, in order not to end up with an alcoholic husband, the girl must first become a worthy person herself. After that, she doesn’t need to look for anyone, everything will work out by itself and she will meet a worthy person, because she herself deserves it.

Reasons why my husband drinks

The reasons that prompt a man to drink alcohol are psychological in nature. The psyche of representatives of the stronger sex is not able to cope with life's problems, pace, stress.

Alcohol serves as an outlet, an opportunity to temporarily disconnect from the outside world. By causing oxygen starvation of certain parts of the brain, the action of ethanol blocks consciousness, creating an imaginary feeling of euphoria. Reasons for men's craving for a bottle of alcohol:

Family alcoholism. Constantly drinking parents create a model of family behavior in children's minds. A grown child becomes an involuntary hostage of the childhood program. By creating their own unit of society, relationships based on alcohol are repeated.
Society or “for company”. The tradition of drinking on Friday after work, joint group outings with alcoholic beverages, and the desire to curry favor with superiors forces a man to succumb to the general trend. Unnoticed, alcohol becomes a part of the life of a former teetotaler.
Dissatisfaction with family life, low self-esteem, inflated demands of the wife, a tense work environment, weakness of character - encourage a man to temporarily escape responsibility with the help of strong drinks. Binge indefinitely delays the moment of decision-making, dulls the sense of reality, and the resulting feelings of joy, peace, and relaxation encourage you to refill your glass more often.

When to leave

Whether it is worth living with alcoholics, psychologist's advice varies: actions that are suitable in one situation are not at all suitable in another. Be that as it may, no matter what the decision is - to divorce or not, a woman should under no circumstances feel guilty.

After all, she is her own boss and has the right to make any decision. If she acts in this situation as her intuition tells her and as her heart tells her, this will be correct. After all, who, if not her, knows all the nuances of the situation. And, besides, a person has the right to make a mistake; you can always change your decision.

Perhaps, before getting rid of your alcoholic husband forever, the best decision for the first time will be to stay for a while. But the danger here is that if an alcoholic husband sees that his wife is returning, he may stop drinking for a while, organize theatrical performances, press for pity, and kneel. And after her return, we get back to the old ways. Therefore, if this happens several times, it is better not to return.

If the husband is prone to assault, he should definitely leave. A man who has at least once decided to commit violence, if he is not rebuffed, will resort to assault constantly. Moreover, he will beat not only his wife, but also his children.

Can a man stop drinking forever?

Alcohol addiction cannot be eliminated without solving the psychological problems that led to the disease. Otherwise, the treatment may not show a positive result.

In addition, in the practice of doctors, it is quite rare to encounter cases where a man asked for help on his own; few alcoholics admit the fact of their addiction, and this is perhaps one of the main difficulties in overcoming addiction.

Treatment of alcoholism must be comprehensive; each stage alone will not relieve addiction.

The drip is where the treatment begins. It cleanses the body of alcohol and its breakdown products, eliminates withdrawal symptoms, removes alcohol from the blood, and improves well-being. But as soon as the man feels good after the drip, he will drink again, because his health seems to be in perfect order.
Coding eliminates alcohol consumption for a given period, regardless of how it was done: medication, hardware or psychotherapeutic method. After the end of the coding period (and sometimes, let’s face it, even before the end), the alcoholic will have no barriers between the desire to drink and drinking.
Inpatient or outpatient rehabilitation is the final stage of treatment, which consolidates the success of the two previous stages. Psychologists and psychotherapists help the patient identify the internal problems due to which he fell into the painful captivity of addiction.

Specialists at the drug treatment center draw up an individual psychotherapeutic program that allows you to form internal resources and direct them to giving up alcohol. Thanks to a course of psychotherapy, a man builds a new value system that will not require artificial emotional stimulation. After a rehabilitation course, a man is ready for full and mutual relationships with family, relatives, friends and colleagues.

Only comprehensive treatment guarantees recovery and recovery from addiction.

How to talk to an alcoholic: advice from a psychologist

Stop hiding the fact of drunkenness

You should not justify or cover up the drinker in front of your loved ones, acquaintances, or management. Sometimes this has an effective effect on a person’s consciousness. Because of shame, he stops drinking so often, tries to behave civilly during holiday feasts, agrees to treatment and even coding.

Don't let me idle

In order for a family member suffering from alcoholism to think about drinking less often, he should be deprived of free time, because idleness often becomes the reason for entering into a new binge

Therefore, it is important for a woman to interest her husband or son in something new or to make him remember forgotten interests and hobbies. Don’t be shy about asking for help from family, neighbors, and colleagues

On the contrary, it is important that the alcoholic is more often in the circle of non-drinkers who have different interests and hobbies. Being constantly in such an environment, a person sometimes independently decides to get rid of addiction.

Make you think

How to talk to an alcoholic son or a drinking husband to make them think about the problem? Psychologists advise explaining to an alcoholic that sooner or later a woman will get tired of his behavior. She will no longer want to live with him under the same roof, preferring another man who does not drink. The spouse must realize that a sober lifestyle will help achieve great success at work and diversify life with new, pleasant events.

Stop hiding or pouring out alcohol

First of all, it is useless. A person suffering from addiction will still find somewhere to drink. If he himself cannot control his own actions, then another is unlikely to succeed.

But the ban on alcohol often gives rise to excitement and the desire to get booze by any means out of a sense of contradiction. Secondly, such behavior can provoke aggression.

Another option is also unacceptable - to patronize the alcoholic in every possible way. Often wives bring their husbands a “hangover” in the morning or buy alcohol themselves so that it is at hand at any time.

How to deal with an alcoholic: advice to wives

The main mistakes of the wives of alcoholics are:

increased guardianship of the drinker;
avoiding conversations related to the problem of alcoholism;
removing responsibility from the husband for the family, children, work, and everyday life;
lack of male responsibilities at home.

If the head of the family has an alcohol addiction, the woman, sometimes unwittingly, begins to perform male duties herself, carrying all the problems on her fragile shoulders. Embarrassed to admit to others that her husband suffers from alcoholism, the wife hides this fact, which further aggravates the situation. Wives of alcoholics, due to constant stress and problems in the family, often suffer from prolonged depression and chronic fatigue.

Psychologists give clear advice on how to behave with an alcoholic. First of all, you need to change your attitude towards a drinker, realizing once and for all that indulging a drunkard is strictly prohibited

It is important to act with unconditional and sometimes harsh methods. This is the only way to improve the situation, help the person fully understand the problem and get rid of alcohol addiction.

Signs of codependency

Codependency, in the context of all that has been said, is the behavior of loved ones of an alcoholic in which they begin to adjust their lives to his behavior. Family members stop behaving the way they are used to and coordinate their schedules with the rhythm of the alcoholic’s life.

Often a woman is fully confident that the power of her love, determination and will can influence her husband and help him cope with the disease. However, it is clear to everyone around that this is not so. It is possible to help only those who want it themselves.

You can spend the best years of your life trying to pull your alcoholic husband out of the hole in which he is diligently burying himself - controlling every step, hiding or pouring out alcohol, suffering. Looking back, the vast majority of women who did all this understand that their efforts were in vain, and they had to leave almost immediately.

No one can persuade you to quit

Who is to blame for people starting to drink? Heredity, parental script, environment? What prerequisites must exist for a person to reach physical and biochemical dependence?

Andrey Magai

“Genetics, the environment, the environment, and the characteristics of a person’s personality all work,” says psychiatrist Andrei Magai. — People who grew up in dysfunctional families have greater risks. Children raised in the same family may act out alcohol scenarios differently. Overprotection and hypoprotection are two sides of the same coin. Some parents cripple with unreasonable love, which resembles a stranglehold, others with complete rejection. But a person, even in unfavorable conditions, has the opportunity to form the correct internal orientation.

I am currently working with a girl with a severe disability, she is an athlete and competes at championships. Her mother is a drug addict, she abandoned the child, the girl grew up in an orphanage. And now my patient says: “I forgave her, I am helping her. She had a difficult life, it remains to be seen how I would have behaved in this situation.” Such a strong internal position was formed by a person living in very difficult conditions. Where does this come from? I don't know.

— Do you drink alcohol yourself? Can a narcologist and psychiatrist drink?

— Having worked with people with addictions for many years, I myself try to abstain. Although colleagues of psychiatrists and narcologists may still have problems with alcohol. It happens that even the chief doctors of drug treatment clinics can live with alcoholism.

Often, the professional attitude towards mental health problems may not coincide with the personal position of the doctor. And in this case, knowledge is, as it were, separate, and human life is separate.

— So this disease is so terrible and severe that even people who know everything about it cannot cope?

- How can you deal with it? This is a way of life, an attitude to life, these are values.

— Is it true that neither wife, nor parents, nor bosses can force or persuade a person to stop drinking? Only he himself should want it?

- Yes it's true. The main approach to rehabilitation in drug addiction is voluntariness. A person must be motivated, and the solution to this problem is his personal choice. If a person chooses sobriety, he will be sober. If he doesn’t choose, everything else is just games.

Don't be self-flagellation

Often relatives tend to blame themselves for their loved one’s addiction. Parents feel that they have given little to their child; children may think that their imperfections are the cause of their elders’ alcoholism.

Social norms also contribute to this - many in society believe that good spouses do not have husbands or wives who become drunkards. But that's not true.

The development of addiction is influenced by many factors: active gene combinations, metabolic characteristics, upbringing, environment and social attitudes. Therefore, it is not the fault of one person.