How to overcome hyper-responsibility syndrome?

It’s very nice when you have a hyper-responsible colleague at work. You can delegate all tasks to him and go home, knowing that everything will be done by morning. However, such a person is also comfortable at home - he will clean, prepare dinner, get the children ready for school, and do much more. Hyper-responsibility syndrome is a serious problem of modern man. Because of him, he loses the opportunity to be happy, destroys his personal life, and constantly drives himself into a dead end.

In this article:

Hyperresponsibility syndromeCauses of hyperresponsibilityHow to fight

Don't give in, avoid despair - how it happens

The first way a person responds to an extremely difficult situation is “you can’t give up,” something like, you know, “Moscow is behind us.”

How does this turn out? Popular wisdom has long described the negative component of the process of “not giving up.” In the joke about two flies:

two flies are flying in the room, the young one and the old one, the old one accelerates every time - and BAM, head hits the glass, BAM the young one: “why don’t you fly out next to me, the window is open!” old: “Hey, any fool can go through the window, but you try it like me!”

As a result, a person

a) does not give up, but expends energy, b) continues the SAME process, does not change its goals (you must be able to see through the glass, like that fly!), c) maintains the usual patterns of behavior, hoping for a new result.

In total, to get something new, you need to do something new. And this is only possible if you

consider your goal,
consider the real conditions around,
recognize the goal as bankrupt, unattainable,
go through despair, give up (“yes, I can’t do it”),
Thus, you will regain your strength, stop wasting it on “breaking glass”,
spend them on familiarization (“okay, this isn’t there, but what is there?”), on trials, attempts (“and what of what is there might suit me?”) and finally on defining a new goal.

It may well turn out that the new goal is not so new, but simply “next to” the old one. A little different.

Examples of how to successfully “give up”

“I wanted to get married, but it’s better to have a smart person nearby than a ring from a stupid person.”
“I liked the profession, but the labor market has changed, and we have to admit that there is a related, in-demand one to replace the old, unnecessary one. Oh, looks like I should just go study!”
“We wanted to live on our own, with our own minds, we can’t rent - we found the strength to talk to our parents, agree on non-interference and put a lock in the room.”
“I didn’t go to university, I found myself in another field, I’m quite happy with life, I’ll study at the “wrong” correspondence course, but at my own expense.

How does split personality on a “everyday” scale hinder people?

1. As soon as you have “split off” some quality, the whole range of solutions related to it is not available to you.

For example: they decided that taking money for sex is terrible, terrible, unacceptable. That you can do this business “only out of love.” But what about cases of extreme need? Suppose a person has already addressed his family, friends, acquaintances and strangers, and stood on the porch? What if the amount of “voluntary donation” from society is significantly less than the amount of remuneration? If this is the only way to solve the problem as quickly as possible?

2. Strength is spent on “holding and not letting go.” Remember the article “Where to get strength if you don’t have enough strength?”

So here it is. In this case, just such a place for investing forces appears. Energy is spent scolding prostitutes, entrepreneurs, and athletes. Instead of deciding “this is not suitable for me, although there is a possibility that one day it will be suitable”, the person again and again mentally finds himself in a situation that causes anxiety. He mentally talks to careless students, admonishes dishonest leaders, or swears at salespeople.

Where is such a person at this moment? He is anywhere but in his own life.

3. It is impossible to act in such a situation!

If someone admits “but the point is in me!” – from now on, at least something can be done. If a person splits his personality into “good” and “bad”, encouraged and unacceptable, and “throws out” the second every time, does not recognize in himself at all (gets angry at others who have these qualities, attributes qualities to others, considers the whole world to be like that) – then there is really nothing that can be done.

You can only throw up your hands and admit your powerlessness. Indeed, “I’m not bad, it’s the world around me that’s bad!”

For this person, such a picture of the world is true. And it is impossible to “fix” it by any external means, not by the will of this person.

How to get rid of hyper-responsibility in 3 steps

If you notice that you have hyper-responsibility and are looking for how to get rid of this syndrome, remember just three steps. It's about sharing responsibilities (boundaries), recognizing that the other person is an individual, and adding value to what you do. By and large, it’s enough for everyone to stop being a “good boy” or “good girl” and recognize themselves as the center of their own universe.

Having recognized your hyper-responsibility, figure out how to deal with it correctly.

Step 1. Take a break if you are being “put on a horse”, being played with emotions. Most likely, you are being manipulated with a simple goal - so that you answer.

Step 2. Recognize the right of others to act in their own ways and in their own interests. That is, by controlling you will not achieve safe and predictable behavior

You can only exchange: you will do it like this because it is important to me. And I'll do something else that's important to you

Mutual interest is better than control, from which others try to slip away. Important: if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, drug addict, i.e. an unreliable person, you will have to strongly, strongly separate boundaries so as not to get involved in control and guardianship.

Step 3. Adequate self-esteem is the key to happiness. If you know what you can and cannot do as an employee, it will be impossible to “divorce” you into excessive responsibility. If you know what your value is as a woman/man, you won’t be able to be manipulated by “lose weight - then I’ll love you”, “do as I said”, “what a man you are”, “you’re unfeminine”.

Hyper-responsible people – “good girls” and “good boys”

If you carefully read about the reasons for hyper-responsibility, you noticed that the child was taught “you are bad”, “you are responsible for everything - and it doesn’t work out for you.” Or they abandoned him completely, without giving him so-called feedback. Such a person grows up and proves for a long time that he is good. He (or she) is going into a relationship - to be told about it. This is how they get a job - to be recognized as good, important, valuable.

For one simple reason. At work, people work, but in the third place they increase their self-esteem and affirm their own goodness. Rarely does anyone praise their employees for completing a task. For this, it is believed, there is a salary. In relationships, people, by and large, play with each other, interest each other, excite each other. But a good person will do something - and wait for the right response he needs. In psychology, hyperresponsibility is considered as “responsibility not for oneself,” i.e. a good boy or a good girl expects that they can do something (right) in order to receive (from a substitute parent) the right feedback.

This creates responsibility for the state, mood, and beliefs of another person. And this does not lead to the desired result.

Or the other person (employer, partner) is not interested.
Or it plays into his hands - and he begins to manipulate.

He should unhook his self-esteem (it’s not for nothing that it is “self”) from other people and begin to evaluate himself a) more adequately, not so harshly, b) himself, and not based on the mood and state of another.

This also helps to get out of dependent relationships in time, stop controlling children, relatives, being responsible for the whole world, and, to be honest, get damn tired of it.

I am writing this to you as a former hyper-responsible person.

And I wish that your normal, healthy responsibility will only help strengthen your personality.

Consequences: What are the dangers of hyper-responsibility?

It seems that hyper-responsible people are ready to solve all problems, except those that need to be tackled first and second.
These are situations and problems of one’s own life related to health, professional and personal development, mood and self-understanding. Refusal to realize one’s interests and needs is spiritual desertion, which will certainly make itself felt through treacherous illnesses and a feeling of inner emptiness. One morning, looking in the mirror, you can just see the tired look of a stranger. And you will have nothing to say to him.

Why is hyper-responsibility bad?

Hyper-responsible people live someone else's life, constantly worry, do not find peace, do not feel the joys of life, are nervous a lot, get sick and die faster. I'm serious.

You need to live with comfort in your soul. With the realization that the beauty of life is its unpredictability. That she needs to be accepted as she is. That troubles must be accepted, no matter how difficult they are, and solvable difficulties must be solved to the best of one’s ability and ability.

You need to see the limits of your responsibility and not encroach on someone else’s. Are relatives having problems? Help them, but with the understanding that the problems are not yours, it is not for you to solve them. And it was not your mistakes that led to the development of these problems.

What do you absolutely need to know about despair and when and how to give up?

There aren't many basic rules. Literally two.

Suicide is not a solution. No one can help a dead person.

Be careful: don’t try to change “the whole world.” But you can try a piece.

Be responsible for yourself. Don’t change “everyone at once” around. Start small - with personal responsibility.

And a little completely wrong.

The fact is that “not to give up” is a call from the “inner savior”, an expenditure of additional strength. And any investment, in a good way, should pay off.

Therefore, if you don’t give up once, twice, or three times, sooner or later the moment of despair comes. That's it, you're in the corner. And now there is really nowhere to retreat. You become honest with yourself.

This is the most important process. It allows:

gather your strength “in a bunch” (suddenly neither the past nor the future become particularly important - it’s as if you instantly find yourself in the “here and now”),
identify desires, dreams, goals - as ineffective, illiquid, harmful to you,
be able to refuse them and minimize the damage as much as possible.

After this, you will be freed from fruitless dreams and what would tug at your veins every day - for any length of time.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is another thinking trap that can poison a person’s life. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal. However, the pursuit of perfection, which simply does not exist, leads many people not to success, but to failure.

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A perfectionist must learn to love his mistakes. He needs to consider them as valuable lessons that life itself teaches. It is mistakes that allow you to develop, become better and stronger. You can't allow yourself to get stuck in the past; you need to constantly look to the future.

Where does hyper-responsibility come from?

Not only every adult, but also every child should take on obligations. For example, criminal liability for a child in the Republic of Belarus begins at the age of 16 (at the time of the commission of the crime). But often, instead of the usual “be responsible for your words!” hyper-responsibility arises. The most common options:

a person emotionally “serves” another, i.e. cares about the well-being and mood of a loved one;
the child processes (“contains”, withstands) the feelings and experiences of the parent;
Life, health, and well-being depend on responsibility for the state/mood of another.

Hyper-responsibility in children occurs more often where they are either given exorbitant demands (tasks that are not appropriate for their age), are given responsibility for the parent’s condition (“you go for a walk, and my heart will break”), or are abandoned. The second option is also bad, despite the child’s independence. After all, instead of relying on parents and adults, they are forced to stop themselves, to “set boundaries” for themselves.

The main reason for hyper-responsibility is a lack of understanding of one’s boundaries. Where am I, where is mine, where the other person and his boundaries begin. What actions (whose) caused these consequences? And feelings like:

fear (the consequences are terrible, you need to do everything to avoid a terrible event);
guilt (especially toxic, excessive, “it’s all because of me”);
anxiety (not knowing the future gives rise to attempts to control it).

Hyper-responsibility test

If you suspect you have hyper-responsibility syndrome, do not rush to jump to conclusions. Test yourself. Answer simple questions:

Are you often overloaded with a lot of different things?
Do you have enough time for yourself?
Are you willing to take on new tasks?
Do you know the feeling that you constantly owe something to someone?
Do the experiences and difficulties of your loved ones come first for you?
Do you tend to control the actions of others, as if nothing would happen without you?
Are you annoyed by people who have no control over what is happening, do you think they are irresponsible?
You can’t say “no” to your family, friends, bosses, as if it is prohibited or everything will collapse without your participation?

Even half the answers “yes” are enough to understand: you are a hyper-responsible person. You tend to blame yourself for mistakes, control the actions of others, and suffer from excessive stress yourself.

A lot of emotional energy can be saved if you do not get involved in the “game of Atlanta supporting the firmament.” Believe me, the world will not collapse without you!

Golden husband

Although the family, and the wife in particular, do not understand this at first. He’s even proud of your hyper-responsibility. This is what he says to his friends:

Your friends, understandably, are bursting with envy - their childish husbands are no match for you. You are a man, the head of a family, a stone wall. Their chosen ones are a flimsy support, behind which it is dangerous not only to hide, but even to lean against them. However, sometimes you are not at all happy about your hyper-responsibility.

Eternal debtor

The prefix “hyper” is a hint that something excessive, redundant, superfluous is happening. Even in medicine, everything that is “hyper” is no longer the norm: hypertension, hypertonicity, hyperhidrosis... Hyperresponsibility is also clearly too much.

After all, what does a responsible person do? He sensibly assesses his capabilities and takes on exactly as many obligations as he can handle. Before taking on any task, he will think carefully about whether he can handle it. If not, he will politely refuse; if yes, he will set a goal, develop a plan and implement it step by step.

But the hyper-responsible person has a different approach. He takes on everything in a row because “I can’t let anyone down,” because “I’m a man, I have to be responsible for my loved ones,” because “there’s no one else.” That is, he always feels indebted to his family, loved ones, friends, colleagues, neighbors - to the whole world! And there is a big difference between “can” and “should”...

Hyperresponsibility

Why is it harmful

As a result, a responsible person chooses the amount of load that will not break him, but will allow him to develop further. Your hyper-responsibility will force you to take on everything and even more, which will sooner or later end in emotional and physical “burnout” - human strength is not limitless.

In addition, hyper-responsible people are overly anxious. It seems to them that they didn’t have time to do something, couldn’t, and if they could, it wasn’t good enough. Life turns into an eternal race. Which again threatens burnout.

There is another danger: hyperresponsible individuals are absolutely irresponsible towards themselves. The interests of others are always more important to them than their own. So sometimes you want to spit on the next hack and go to the bathhouse with friends (they’re calling for the fifth year!), but you immediately stop yourself:

And this inner voice constantly puts a spoke in your wheels. You want to sleep longer on Sunday - you are tired during the week, but your conscience is tormenting you again:

Hyper-Responsibility: Fathers and Sons

But when a child is born, there is no time left for yourself. Whole life will revolve around the heir - his illnesses, sections, circles... With your characteristic hyper-responsibility, you will be so deeply immersed in the life of the child that you will be aware of everything - what he eats, what he plays, which letters he has learned and which he has not yet learned. Naturally, you will do everything so that the heir does not need anything, goes to the most prestigious school, and makes friends with children from good families. Then you will find him a job at the university, then a job.

Of course, such care on the part of the father is commendable. But sometimes caring turns into hyper-concern. When the child grows up, this will irritate him quite a bit. Moreover, if you do not stop constantly caring for and guiding him, the heir will grow up helpless and infantile. His decisions will be difficult for him, the slightest difficulties will cause panic. After all, since childhood he was accustomed to the fact that he has a mega-dad who will rush in and do everything for him. Is this the result you want?

However, it is in your and your family’s interests to at least slightly weaken your hyper-onslaught:

Respect the right of others to make independent decisions;
If your wife is quite tired of your “dictation” (what she should eat, how much she should go out, with whom she should communicate), do not impose your opinion;
You can give advice, but she has the right not to use it. As your child grows up, don't forget that he is his own person. Don’t suffocate him with over-concern—allow him to show independence sometimes. Even if some of his actions seem ridiculous to you. A person learns only from his mistakes;
Dose the load. If you feel that you can’t handle it, refuse. Against the background of chronic fatigue and stress, psychosomatic diseases, depression, neuroses, and panic attacks can develop. Remember what is interesting and meaningful to you. Be sure to set aside time in your schedule for yourself;
Use the word “should” less often. It presses down like a concrete slab. Replace it with “I would like”, “I plan”. Such designs are perceived much more positively.

Short term pleasures

Psychologists believe that there is nothing wrong with the ability to enjoy the current moment. On the contrary, it helps people avoid stress and depression. However, when a person completely surrenders to short-term pleasures without thinking about the consequences, he makes a big mistake.

An example is being overweight. People fill their menu with unhealthy foods, the consumption of which leads to extra pounds. They get short-term pleasure from the taste of food without thinking about the danger they pose to their health in the long term. Other examples of such a psychological trap are addiction to alcoholic beverages and cigarettes, and gambling addiction.

Every person should fill their life with pleasure. However, he must avoid activities that will do him much more harm than good.

How to learn responsibility?

Just like everything else. Daily mindfulness. Daily choice of actions.

Watch yourself carefully. Catch moments when you start thinking in terms of guilt. I just ask you very much - don’t start feeling guilty if you don’t succeed! Of course, at first it won't. Look closely; realize that this is neither your nor anyone else’s fault. Be aware of your responsibility.

Respond to everything. This doesn't mean you need to become emotionally unstable; this does not mean that you need to fuck your brains out trying to solve the global problems of humanity in your mind. Just respond with the natural response that arises within you; just don't suppress it.

You will begin to notice that following your attitude, your actions, the people around you and the events that happen to you begin to change.

It will be so because you are part of life. You don't have to fight it. You can be in harmony with it. But to do this, you need to answer her, and these answers must be sincere.

This is what it means to be responsible. This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to live.

Difficult but important step

You need to understand that from time to time it is normal to experience difficulties, problems, and even the desire to “send everything to hell.” There are not enough straws to protect our dear people from harm. And we are just people: ordinary mortals with a limited amount of time on earth. We don't have the gift of foresight. And even if he was, another person has the right to act in his own way just because he is different. The choice of loved ones can surprise, upset and even shock. But we must admit: they have the right to do so.

Where does this come from?

This type of hyper-responsibility often comes from childhood. The most common reason is ambitious parents, for whose sake the child tried to do everything in the world or even more. Or, conversely, parents who were unable to answer for anything. There can be a lot of examples, each with their own. Sometimes it’s not just the parents: I, for example (and half of my classmates) suffer from hyper-responsibility because of my school teacher. She, I am sure, did not wish any harm to any of us, she tried in her own way to convey the moral “We are responsible for those we have tamed,” but in the end we have what we have. I have an almost panicky fear of letting my friends/classmates/colleagues down, and I would rather finish and redo a group project that everyone has given up on than relax and go to the movies on my only day off.

However, “fear of failing” is not the only reason why hyper-responsible people take on everything themselves. Deep down (or maybe not deep down) they may believe that they can do better. That is, this is an internal feeling that you are smarter/more experienced and so on. On the one hand, being confident in your abilities is, of course, good.

Reasons for development

Psychologists talk about several reasons for hyper-responsibility:

Lack of understanding of one's own boundaries. A woman often does not realize where she ends and another person (husband, son, parent) begins.
Attempts to live the lives of others, to accept “blows of fate” for them.
Problems and fears from childhood. Often, hyper-responsible girls become those who wanted to be the best for their parents, but the latter ignored them and belittled the girl’s importance.

As a result, hypertrophied responsibility will not bring positive results. You will only destroy yourself and your relationships with other people.

Who else but me?

There is no one else! There is no one to do, for example, general cleaning. Imagine: a house full of people, but no one to do the cleaning! No one to trust!

I can clean even at night! Because I can't stand dirt. Is it possible to leave it for the next day? In general, it’s easier for me to do everything myself than to ask someone and trust someone. And then I complain that no one does anything. But I taught them to do this myself!

General cleaning is just a little detail.

Hyper-responsibility in everyday life

People who have a sense of hyper-responsibility tend to take responsibility for everyone around them. So, a woman may be tormented by guilt because she introduced her friend to a man, and their family life did not work out. So what if she didn’t quarrel with them? I introduced you! Now both are unhappy...

When a person suffers from hyper-responsibility, he takes on too much. So much that he forgets about himself, his problems and experiences. The feelings and troubles of others come to the fore. Moreover, no one places their problems on him; he takes them on himself and is painfully worried that he cannot create an ideal life around him.

Experiences deprive a person of peace and joy. He constantly feels responsible for everything that happens, wants to save and protect everyone. He wants to destroy all the dust on the planet, reconcile those who have quarreled, protect the oppressed and punish the guilty. What a judge! System Cleaner! Is it just me, or is there something of a megalomania in this?

I know from myself what hyper-responsibility is. Want an example? Please. My older sister keeps having personal problems, and I feel with every cell of my brain that I have to somehow solve them. No, don’t get involved in your own business, but decide. So that everyone can finally feel good.

My other sister cannot find a life partner. And again, this is not my problem (if it is even a problem). But I worry about this too, as if someday they will ask me for how well she has settled in life.

When a problem arises in my family, I understand that those directly affected by it worry many times less than I do. How long will this last me? I’m actually surprised how I was able to earn money this month, considering that all my thoughts are about other people’s problems?

So, the diagnosis is clear, we will look for a cure... What to do with hyper-responsibility?

Hypercontrol test

Do you want to know if you have hypercontrol and responsibility? Here's a test for you, take it and sign it.

To pass the test, answer “yes, it's about me” or “no, it's not about me” to the following statements:

You think you can do better than those around you;
You are a walking diary and reminder - remember all important dates and events;
Know where all the important documents are, remember how much money is kept in the bank;
Love to plan (sometimes you even plan how you will plan);
As a child, you were a headman, a counselor;
Management puts more workload on you than other employees;
Without you, your husband forgets his keys/money and loses his receipts. Children are unassembled - you help them collect their briefcase, check their lessons, etc.;
You feel anxious when things don't go according to plan;
When getting into a car/minibus, you try to choose a seat near the driver;
You like to play it safe and have a plan B, C, D...

If you answered “Yes” to at least 6 questions, then hypercontrol is your friend, comrade and brother. Living with him, of course, is possible, but it’s not easy (I went through this stage, and remember Nastya from the fairy tale) - ... psychosomatics catches up, stress overcomes, but all these are consequences. And in order to eliminate the consequences - to get rid of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control, you must first deal with the causes.

How does split personality help people?

1. You can finally avoid unpleasant feelings and experiences.

You can avoid disappointment (that you, it turns out, are not who you “thought you were”), sadness, powerlessness, despair, and anger at yourself. And also a feeling of guilt (for the fact that my qualities, like my way of doing things, can prevent others from living peacefully) and a feeling of shame, usually toxic (that I am not suitable as I am).

2. Mental protection.

It’s not for nothing that splitting off is called one of the mechanisms for protecting the psyche.

If you once decided a long time ago that being (this way), doing (this or that), feeling (something) is dangerous, impossible, bad - then you have to deal with it somehow. You may not remember this decision at all.

For example, a girl decided at a fairly early age that screaming was terrible and unacceptable. “I will never scream in my family!” (horror from the screams of mom and dad in childhood). Moreover, this decision was made completely unnoticed, simply because the experiences were unbearable. And in addition, it is also forgotten as very difficult.

And the boy decided the same thing about tears and manifestations of weakness.

Now, when these heroes from the example will collide:

girl - with the need to scream to be heard,

boy - with the need to cry, to be defenseless in order to cope with another situation or experiences,

will automatically “split off” these manifestations from themselves.

What is hyper-responsibility?

Let us clarify right away: there are two types of hyper-responsibility. In the first case, you don’t have to worry, we’ll just tell you how to live with it and what to do so that the above-mentioned free riders don’t take advantage of your weakness not only in the academic sphere, but also in life. But with the second, everything is somewhat more complicated, but more on that later.

So, hyper-responsibility number 1. The prefix “hyper” means “over”, that is, exceeding the norm. This means that you are too responsible - you take on obligations not only for yourself, but also for others, and are always afraid of letting everyone down. At first, this may seem like something very good: everyone praises you, teachers are not overjoyed at what a responsible person you are, and your parents are delighted too.

Hyperresponsibility and Irresponsibility

When it comes to responsibility, we all understand what it is. However, we rarely think about the two extreme sides of responsibility in which we can unconsciously live - Hyperresponsibility and Irresponsibility. What is especially interesting is how these facets manifest themselves in relationships.

Each of us in life moves along a scale, on one end of which there is a conditional o, and on the other o. Most of us live somewhere in the middle. We would be happy to do nothing, but we have to.

At the same time, hyper-responsible people live among us. They live much closer to Fr. When you need to do something, help someone, or make someone's life easier, these people are always happy to help. These people are not afraid of the consequences of their actions; they know that if they don’t do it, no one will. When Garry Kasparov was asked what his life principle was, he answered: If not you, then who?

But there are also irresponsible people. They are not inherently irresponsible, but their pattern of behavior that makes them feel insecure is to avoid responsibility in any form. People who are accustomed to running away from responsibility live closer to Fr. The less they do, the less guilt they will feel if something goes wrong. No one can accuse them of doing anything wrong. Thus they are always “in the house”.

For obvious reasons, hyper-responsible people pair up with irresponsible people in relationships. Both benefit from this relationship. You may say: but wait, it’s clear what benefit comes from this to irresponsible people - everything is done for them. And what benefit comes from being hyper-responsible? The answer is - absolutely the same. Just as irresponsible people have a need to run away from responsibility, hyper-responsible people have a need to run away from responsibility. In this way, two people “feed” each other what they need.

However, this is where the happiness ends. The irresponsible, like a parasite, attaches itself to the hyper-responsible and begins to suck energy and vitality from him. And often, so that this scam never ends, the irresponsible person deliberately, although often unconsciously, lowers the self-esteem of the hyper-responsible person. Hyper-responsible people say: “Oh, if only he helped me, how easy it would be to live!” Or he didn’t even help, or at least didn’t interfere... Or he at least supported...” However, read above, an irresponsible person will never do this, otherwise your union in its current form will collapse. And this is scary, both for an irresponsible partner, and if you face the truth, for a hyper-responsible one too.

What to do and how to live if you are in a union in which one partner is hyper-responsible and the other is irresponsible?

Tips for the hyper-responsible:

1) Contrary to what you might think, your partner will not be lost without you. He is not as helpless as you think. He's just used to you doing everything, and if you continue like this, you will become increasingly tired and out of balance, both in the relationship and with yourself.

2) Relying on your partner is the most fundamental thing in a relationship. If your partner is irresponsible, you cannot rely on him. As a result, you choose to do everything yourself. However, if you do not rely on your partner, if in your opinion he “can’t”, “can’t”, “can’t”, this automatically affects the adult part of your relationship: equal partnership, parenthood, sex. If you want an adult relationship, then you will have to learn to trust and rely. Or, if this is impossible in principle with this person, then draw conclusions.

3) You cannot escape from finding your boundaries and answering the question of where your sphere of responsibility ends and your partner’s sphere of responsibility begins.

Tips for those running away from responsibility:

1) Your life is in the hands of your partner. And not only him, but also various other people. Do you really like not being your own person? If you don't take responsibility for your life, you are not free.

2) Start acquiring the skill of not blaming anyone for your problems.

3) Irresponsible people feel like victims. The position of the victim is obviously a losing one. Get out of it with the help of thinking, constantly asking yourself: “Am I a victim in life? and now, am I behaving like a victim or like an independent adult?” If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project here.

Mind Reading

Some people think that they are able to read the thoughts of others. In reality, they can give meaning to other people's words and actions that is not intended in them at all. They evaluate other people's behavior based on their own experience. Often their interpretation turns out to be wrong.

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A person who falls into this trap must remind himself more often that the world does not revolve around him. In most cases, the words and actions of others have nothing to do with him. Therefore, you should not attach too much importance to them.

Symptoms of hyper-responsibility

Let's define them point by point again so as not to inadvertently confuse them with something else.

You are hyper-responsible if:

you take on other people's problems;
you worry too much when you let someone down (even over trifles and not on purpose);
you can’t sleep at night because of heavy thoughts, or you wake up and fall asleep with disturbing thoughts;
you constantly worry about what you cannot solve;
you take too much responsibility for everything in your life;
you feel like everyone is riding you,

I will explain the last point. The fact is that people around have a keen sense of “who needs it most.” Having found such a person in their environment, they begin to play along with him. They seem to say: “Do you want to be responsible for my life? Okay, bring it, it’s easier for me...”

By doing this you are doing your loved ones a disservice. They really lose the habit of taking responsibility for themselves. Who should be blamed for this then? It’s you who are so zealous in solving their problems. And then you complain that everyone who is not too lazy rides on you...

You may also ask, what does “too responsible” mean? Is it possible to have too much responsibility for your life? It turns out, yes, it can. Life is unpredictable, not everything in it can be regulated. This is not a TV with a remote control: I set it up the way I wanted.

There are many things in life that we cannot influence, no matter how much we would like to. An overly responsible person constantly experiences anxiety and guilt. These feelings are like sisters. At first, a person worries that he won’t be able to do something, and if he still didn’t do it (or did it wrong), he begins to suffer from guilt, which in itself contributes to anxiety. Vicious circle.

Self-deprecation

Many people tend to downplay their strengths. Such individuals focus on their negative sides and give them too much importance. People with low self-esteem are constantly faced with failures, which only strengthen their negative opinion of themselves.

The solution to the problem in this case can be a frank conversation with yourself. Suppose a person feels that he is not suitable for the position he occupies in the company. He should ask himself what is stopping management from firing him. It is possible that these are abilities and talents that he simply does not notice in himself.

A person with low self-esteem may think that he is not worthy of the attention and love of other people. He needs to think about what makes his family and friends happy to spend time with him. It is likely that these people see his positive traits, which he simply ignores.

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How to get rid of hyper-responsibility?

Take a pen and write down... Or print out this article. Better yet, put it on the wall of your favorite social network.

Be confident

Everything “hyper” comes from uncertainty. We are trying to prove to ourselves that we mean something, that we can do something. And often we overdo it. In addition, insecure people are very concerned about what others think. What if someone considers me a loser and a weakling? We must prove the opposite no matter what!

Give others the opportunity to take charge of their own lives.

Well, really. Don't think that everyone around you is incapable of solving problems. They are capable. But give them this opportunity - just retreat, and they will have nowhere to go. And if they don’t know how to bear responsibility, let them learn. This doesn't concern you. Even if you see that the person is solving the problem incorrectly. You can give a recommendation and that’s it. This is where your area of responsibility ends. Let go of your hyper-responsibility.

Learn to share responsibility with others

Let me give you an example. Will an enterprise whose manager tries to do everything himself be successful? He comes up to the accountant and says: “Ugh, how ugly you have drawn up this statement, well, let me do it myself.” Or he passes by the cleaning lady and remarks: “But the dust could be wiped off better, give me a rag.” Or he sees the system administrator and takes the screwdriver from him: “It was necessary to stretch the cable so ugly!”

And it’s also good if this is not a production manager, otherwise the person would work extremely hard, running from machine to machine and back! Who is running the company at this time? Yes, the jester knows! The manager has no time, because he alone knows how to work conscientiously. Conclusion: know how to delegate responsibilities and duties.

Make compromises with yourself

And if you can’t see them, find them and go. In life you constantly need to make choices. A hyper-responsible person takes on everything and tries to do everything perfectly. But this is impossible. Therefore, try to make compromises.

Imagine the situation: you agreed to go shopping with your loved one, but suddenly a lot of urgent matters fell on you. A hyper-responsible person will try to get things done and go shopping, despite being tired (I promised!).

Why can't you reschedule your shopping? Or cancel it altogether. Is your loved one offended? Why does he think it is possible to dispose of your time at his own discretion?

Set goals and priorities wisely. If you don't do it, someone will do it for you.

When you have a goal, you know what to strive for and what means to achieve it. When it’s not there, you’ll be scattered about anything, in particular, solving other people’s problems (you don’t have enough of your own, you still need more).

Do what is important to you first. The principle of “pay yourself first” works not only in business, it is quite applicable in life

If you solve your problems, please, you can help others.

Keep a diary

I know from myself that hyper-responsibility forces us to resolve problems, to think about them constantly, which is why even a microscopic difficulty acquires universal proportions. Paper will endure anything. Pour everything that’s brewing in your head onto her and forget about it. Then you re-read it and realize how meaningless your experiences were.

Always ask yourself: is this my business? My problem? If not, get her out of your head. Anyway, if you get in, no one will thank you. They will also make you guilty.