How to calm your mom down: 20 tips on what to tell your mom so she stops crying and getting upset

How to calm your mom down if she's crying?

You need to support a crying mother in the following ways:

Don't give in to emotions and don't cry with her . This is especially true for daughters, who, when they see their mother’s tears, get upset and also shed a tear. If the mother sees that she has spoiled her daughter’s mood with her behavior, she will be even more upset;
Hug her . This way mom will feel that you empathize with her and want to help. If she does not have a handkerchief in her hands, then give it to her;
Speak in a calm and low voice . Even if your mother raises her voice in tears, there is no need to do so in response. It is important for an upset person to hear a calm intonation in order to calm down faster;
Find out the reason . It is unlikely that mom will cry out of nowhere. You need to say the following: “Tell me what happened?”;
Wait patiently for a response. When upset, the mother will not immediately talk about her problem. Perhaps the emotional shock happened quite recently and she needs to properly throw out the surging feelings;
Listen to her and don't interrupt. Mom may speak confusingly, “jump” from one thought to another, and repeat one moment from the story several times in a row. The main thing here is to grasp the general meaning of the problem and not immediately rush to give advice;
Next, carefully select your words of support . It all depends on the problem. If it is solvable, then invite your mother to think together about how to fix everything. For example, if she had a fight with someone at work, then say: “It’s a pity that everything turned out this way. But that employee probably didn’t want to offend you. Maybe you shouldn’t argue with her right away tomorrow, but just ignore her and wait until the conflict situation is forgotten?”;
Tell your mom that she did the right thing or showed good character traits. For example, if in the same argument with a colleague she decided not to respond to her insults, then Fr. If my mother vehemently argued with a colleague, then you can also find positive aspects in this: “Of course, anyone would lose their temper here! Well done for boldly defending your point of view! Let her know now that you are a serious opponent!”;
Finally, say that if she wants to talk again soon, you are always ready to listen;
Show you care . For example, offer her tea or wash the dishes for her. These pleasant little things will let mom know that there are loving and caring people around her.

You are trying to assert yourself

“The process of growing up is about forming our own identity and determining in what ways we want to be like our parents and in what ways we want to be different from them,” Zelechoski says.

Nobody wants to be an exact copy of their parents. Even if you idolized them as a child, over time you begin to strive for independence and realize that they are not always right.

Physiological factors also play a role. Zelechoski notes that hormonal changes can trigger mood swings, and the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for making decisions and controlling emotions, doesn't fully develop until age 25.

“At a young age, it is very important to find a balance in your relationship with your parents,” says Jacob Goldsmith of Northwestern University in Chicago, “learning to be both yourself and part of the family.”

What should you not do?

If mom is upset about something, then it is better not to do the following things:

Load her with household chores;
Leave home. Walking with friends and hanging out at cafes can wait. Even if mom has begun to calm down, you should not leave her alone for some time;
Get into an argument. Due to a bad mood, a mother can “break down” and raise her voice over any little thing. Get into her position and try not to swear;
Deliver bad news. The only exceptions are when the news is related to something serious and urgent;
Imposing your advice. You can only offer your own solution to the problem. But if mom insists that she will sort out the situation herself, then it’s better not to insist.

Your family members are toxic people

Don't dismiss the possibility that your anger is a completely justified reaction to your parents' behavior. Even if you used to get along great, it's worth reconsidering what you think is "acceptable" behavior from time to time.

“Anger may indicate an attempt to set boundaries,” Goldsmith explains. “In that case, you need to try to transform it into persistence.”

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13 typical phrases from toxic parents: what they really mean and how to respond to them correctly

How to calm your mom down when she's angry?

You should behave as follows with an irritated mother:

Try to discuss the situation calmly and from different angles. Let mom talk. When a person is angry, he evaluates the problem biasedly, considering it extremely important. Although in fact this may be a trifle that can easily be resolved if you do not rush things or, on the contrary, take simple but decisive steps right away. Having started discussing the problem, mom herself can find the right solution, or you can push her to this with your careful advice;
Invite her to go to a cafe or just take a walk in the park. Often the cause of mother's irritability and nervousness is simple fatigue. If she has no desire to go somewhere, then run to the store and buy her mother’s favorite treat;
Say: “Mom, it’s hard for me to see you in this state. How can I help? Let me clean up the house, and you relax and watch some movie.” Showing concern always softens a negative attitude.

Symptoms of extreme maternal fatigue

Psychological distress and everyday difficulties will reduce physical resources. Constant fatigue and lack of sleep will interfere with psychological recovery. Low self-esteem, disappointment in oneself, fear for the child, dissatisfaction with the situation - this and much more swirls into an emotional funnel. And the longer a woman and her environment do not pay attention to this, the greater the likelihood of a breakdown.

The manifestations of fatigue are similar, despite the difference in personal maternal experience. It can be:

tearfulness;
irritability;
sleep disorders;
apathy or overexcitement;
aggression towards one's own child.

When these symptoms appear, it is important to notice them in yourself and acknowledge them. Most likely, a woman who is being sucked into the vortex of an emotional breakdown does not have trust in her feelings. Often all the symptoms are present, but it seems to her that wanting to sleep and rest is not normal, that she needs to manage everything, cope with everything.

Yulia Dolgova uses the following metaphor: the feeling “I can’t cope” is hidden under the heading “secret” not only from society, but even from the woman herself. But the desire to be on top is fraught with clinical depression, suicidal thoughts and even attempts to commit suicide.

We ask for help from relatives

In some cases, the mother's problems can be serious. If you feel that it is morally difficult for her, then the help of relatives will not be superfluous.

It's best to contact your dad. Of course, this should be done only when the mother is not in a quarrel with him. If he is at work, then call him and tell him how it is. He will give advice or try to arrive early.

It happens that dad has not been in the family for a long time and you can’t count on his support. Then you need to turn to the relative with whom your mother has the best relationship.

Contact him and tell him that your mother is very depressed and you are worried about her. A good relative will never refuse support.

You carry past grievances within you

If you have already left adolescence, then you need to look for other explanations.

“The first thing that comes to mind is that there are unresolved conflicts,” Goldsmith continues. “Perhaps you harbor a grudge against your parents.”

Or perhaps you are still clinging to your childhood role. Each child plays several roles in the process of growing up: baby, parent, peacemaker, helper, hero, rebel. If you are trying to change, the restrictions they place on you can make you angry.

How to calm down a drunk mother?

Mom is also a person and sometimes she can go overboard. You should not be angry with her about this, even if she begins to remember some unpleasant incidents from her life.

We must remember that a mother in such a state does not do everything out of malice, it’s just that under the influence of alcohol some psychological barriers disappear in her, and she says whatever comes to mind. The next morning she will probably regret it. Therefore, we calmly accept her criticism and follow simple advice:

We agree with her “smart” thoughts and show respect for her . A drunk person is pleased when his interlocutor praises his speech. Therefore, when mom loudly says that she is the most honest, hardworking and responsible, we agree and even remember the cases when she showed these significant traits;
We take her side in any issue . Sometimes a drunk mother makes offensive comments towards the person you love. For example, it could be dad. If he is not nearby, then we boldly agree with mom’s criticism, even if you disagree in many ways. In this situation, it is more important not to prove your point of view, but to help calm the drunk mother, who simply wanted to speak out;
We distract her with something . A drunk person easily switches his attention to an interesting activity. Of course, there is no need to go outside with your mother while she is in this condition. Distract her with something else. For example, tell her that her new hairstyle is amazing and she definitely chose a good hairdresser.

In most cases, it is possible to calm the mother down by showing concern, listening attentively to the problem and positively assessing her character traits. The main thing is not to impose your advice on her, but to delicately offer help and make it clear that you empathize with her.

What feelings might you face after a loss?

The experience of loss depends on personal characteristics, social environment, attitude towards death and relationship with mother. In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people are unable to go to work or cope with household chores because this is the acute phase of grief.

Grief researcher William Warden writes that grief and other feelings are needed to adapt to loss. There are a number of feelings that people commonly name when describing their grief experience—all of which are normal. According to the charity Independent Age, after the death of a loved one, people may experience:

shock and feeling of unreality, especially in the first days after death;
anxiety, general or about something specific;
worry about one's own mortality;
anger and irritation - for example, they can be angry with loved ones;
sadness;
guilt;
feeling of hopelessness;
the need to support others and suppress one's own grief;
some relief if a person has been sick for a long time.

Your experience may vary.
It's normal if you have difficulty identifying what specific feeling you are experiencing. Strong emotions can be scary, but they usually get weaker over time. Olga Shaveko , systemic family psychotherapist, specializes in working with trauma and loss.
There are five stages that a person goes through during the loss of a loved one: denial, aggression, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But it is important to remember that the grieving process does not follow clear stages. The stages are very arbitrary, and a lot depends on the situation, on the characteristics of the person, on what kind of support is nearby.

The stages usually go through many times, and the strength of the emotions gradually decreases. It is not always possible to reach acceptance. Then the grieving process can become chronic and last for a long time.

Aggressive behavior in adolescents: what to do?

There are many facts and even more fictions on the topic of increased emotionality in adolescents. From the point of view of common sense, adults understand everything - hormonal imbalance and restructuring are to blame. Then why can’t fully grown mothers and fathers always cope with teenagers?

Try to put yourself in their place! Your body, which you knew everything about yesterday and was quite happy with, begins to change dramatically. Your arms are long, your clothes don’t fit well, acne appears on your face, your voice betrays you. You are surrounded by complete hysterics and psychos (after all, everyone around them is going through the same changes as themselves, that is, teenagers are constantly in a rather explosive environment). And, of course, parents don’t understand.

Psychologists conducted studies that revealed that emotional reactions that would be a symptom of illness for adults are the norm for adolescents. Can you imagine how hard it is for them? How can we help our beloved children?

It will be great if you can show your child that it is normal to experience different emotions. Use yourself or your family as an example. Let him know that there are good and bad days, and his mood can vary. “But we love each other anyway. The main thing is, don’t be silent, come and we’ll talk.”
Anger control techniques will help. Beat a pillow, hit a punching bag, take a shower, take an anti-stress ball. Another great method is “writing on water with a pitchfork.” It is simple: move your finger through the water, describing all your sadness and grievances. And then you let the water down, it will pour out and take all your experiences with it.
At this age, the need for adrenaline appears. Help your child find such an activity: fly together in a wind tunnel or go karting, snowboarding or skydiving - the child will be grateful to you.
Tell him how you deal with stress. Alcohol and cigarettes don't count! Perhaps your experience will be useful to the child.

Say it differently

Watching people, I am surprised: they want to get different results when performing the same action. For example, a person said something, but did not receive the desired reaction. He repeats the same thing, but louder. It doesn't work again.

For the third time he screams. As if the louder, the clearer. Perhaps, if there was no effect the first time, it is worth reformulating the message? Draw a diagram, show a video, find a ready-made example?

How to learn to reformulate? And you already know how. Let's make sure of this.

Imagine that you need to tell a group of children in kindergarten the fairy tale “Turnip”, and in such a way that it will be remembered for a lifetime. What does that require? Repeat the text a hundred times? I'm afraid the children will hate the fairy tale. This happens with some knowledge that is given at school - the teacher simply repeats the same thing a hundred times, but there is no effect.

Let's try it differently:

You can read the story.
Draw a comic.
Put on a performance.
Make a model from plasticine.
Make a cartoon.
Watch the cartoon.
Put on an opera.
Conduct an experiment by actually planting a turnip.

Do you think that in this case the children would remember the fairy tale? 100%!

Homework. Take any topic that is difficult for you to explain to your parents: why snowboarding is better than alpine skiing; what's good about rap; why YouTube is a window to the world. Now present it to your parents in five different ways to get your point across.

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Why does an adult son insult his parents?

Such a hopeless story is unnatural for a mother who loves her son, which means that every mother is simply obliged to immediately extinguish the anger that flared up inside her and force herself to calm down. By responding with insult to insult, you will only sow the seed of discord and anger and thereby aggravate the already difficult situation. Therefore, first of all, you should figure out what are the reasons for such boorish behavior of an adult son (or daughter)?

And to do this, you need to honestly answer a number of unpleasant questions to yourself:

1. When your son, very young or already in school, came to you with his strange drawing (or he was scared in the panic room) - remember, did you laugh at him?

For a man, a woman’s ridicule is always a trauma, and a mother’s ridicule is a very deep trauma. Don't forget about it! Your little son could remember the ridicule and unknowingly harbor resentment for many years to come.

2. Kindergarten or school. Perhaps your son received a lot of comments and complaints from teachers, or third-party people tried to lecture your child in public. Have you always been on the side of your son, or did you support a stranger and, in unison with her, were indignant in public at your son’s hooligan act?

If your boy has really committed a crime, do not pat him on the head for it. But he should hear your indignation and receive a well-deserved punishment at home. And let teachers, educators or the saleswoman of a nearby store only know that you will definitely understand this situation. But you will never reprimand your son with them!

3. Have you yourself said hurtful and insulting words to your child (during a quarrel or for “educational” purposes)?

Can a child be removed from the family if his parents scold him in a raised voice?

A child can be taken away if there is an immediate threat to his life or health - this is the norm in Article 77 of the Family Code. The article does not explain what exactly is considered an immediate threat, that is, this decision remains at the discretion of the guardianship authorities.

In addition, the police can pick up a child if he is found to be neglected. Sometimes the police believe that a child is neglected even when the parents are nearby - if, in the opinion of the police, the parents are not able to supervise the child.

If a child is taken away, the guardianship authorities are required to draw up an act and, within a few days, notify the prosecutor's office and submit to the court an application for deprivation or restriction of parental rights.

If a “neglected” child is removed, then it is not necessary to demand deprivation of parental rights: when the police find the parents (or the ability to look after the child returns to the existing ones), the child returns to the family.

The likelihood of seizure without serious grounds is very low. But it exists, because there are no clear rules for removal, and guardianship officers may make the wrong decision.

Recommendations for parents

A teenager is no longer a kid with whom you did everything together: walked, played, read, etc. Now your child is growing up, and he has his own interests, hobbies, and friends. He is becoming more and more independent. To continue to get along with your son or daughter, I suggest you follow these guidelines.

Become a role model

What could be better than a satisfied and successful parent?! Don't get hung up on the child. Find time for yourself and your interests. The atmosphere in the house will become calmer and friendlier, and your teenager will follow your example.

Accept your child for who he is and support him

Teenagers have many complexes related to their appearance. Don't laugh at him, just help him. Want to dye your hair? Take me to the hairdresser. Want a tattoo? Invite him to make a temporary one. Any prohibition you make will be perceived as a signal to action. Both externally and internally he remains your child.

Knock on the room

This will let your son or daughter know that you respect his personal space.

He will feel significant, which is very important in a difficult transition period

Don't raise your voice

Shouting is not an argument. On the contrary, when you scream, the teenager begins to feel that he is right, realizing that you have no arguments. Your menacing tone will make a stronger impression than a wild scream. Even if he is rude, don’t lose your temper! Maintain your composure at all costs. This is one of the most effective ways to help win an argument.

Apologize if you do mess up

When tension increases, it is best to disperse to different corners of the ring. Both the parent and the teenager will cool down, calm down and think about the situation. Well, if you couldn’t restrain yourself and you said too much, apologize. Learn to negotiate correctly.

Share his hobbies with your teenager

Now is your time to explore the wonderful world in which your son or daughter lives. Watch youth TV series, sports competitions together, listen to music that your child likes. Perhaps his tastes will seem wild to you, but remember yourself at this age. Did your parents share your interests? And also communicate with your child in instant messengers and social networks. In the virtual space, the conversation is easier, more relaxed and simpler than in personal contact.

Keep an eye on your child so you don't miss anything important.

Unfortunately, some parents are faced with the fact that their teenager becomes difficult, completely out of control, starts smoking, drinking alcohol, drugs, breaking the law by getting involved with bad company. Here you are unlikely to cope on your own. It is better to seek help from a psychologist. Better yet, try to avoid such situations.

Another good reason to take a teenager to a psychologist is prolonged depression. He constantly sits in the room, is not interested in anything, does not know how to make friends. This condition can easily provoke suicide. This cannot be done without the help of a professional. Be sensitive and attentive parents! No one knows your child better than you!

I understand that there is a lot of information, and it is unlikely that you will be able to remember all these rules at once, so to reinforce the material, I advise you to also watch a video from a psychologist. She explains in a very interesting and accessible way the main points in communicating with teenagers.