I had a fight with my wife - how to make peace: advice from a psychologist

No couple is immune from conflicts, but the main thing is to stop in time and move towards reconciliation. You will learn how to properly apologize to your wife in order to make amends and not return to the cause of the misunderstanding from the article below.

Effective universal methods that help improve family life can help with this. If your date prefers originality, you will find unusual ways of apologizing that no girl can resist.

Basic rules of conduct

Many men make ridiculous or serious mistakes in relationships, hurting the vulnerable mental organization of women. But only a few know how to beautifully apologize to your wife so that she will certainly leave all grievances behind. Psychologists recommend that in conflict situations, you first work through your own behavior; for this you need:

• do not sort things out;
• admit when you are wrong;
• ask rather than demand forgiveness;
• do it face to face;
• if she does not make contact, appease her with actions;
• choose the right place and time for dialogue.

Let's take a closer look at each point on which the success of your reconciliation attempts directly depends. Remember, no matter what words you choose, the wrong behavior strategy will reduce their effectiveness to zero.

Don't sort things out

Interpersonal relationship psychologists emphasize the important fact that men think rationally, while women think emotionally. Due to this difference, many partners encounter misunderstandings. To establish a microclimate between you, try not to find out who was right and who was wrong, justifying wrongdoings. Remember, that:

• it doesn’t matter who started the conflict;
• what factors prompted you to do bad things?
• whether she provoked you;
• whose resentment is stronger.

Expert opinion
Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

If you are committed to reconciliation, bringing logical arguments in your defense or in its wrongness will only make the situation even worse. Give up all this, focus on your own wrongness and apologies. After this, she will be able to admit her mistakes.

Admit you're wrong

A real man can always realize and take responsibility for wrongdoing. The weak will talk about how someone else is to blame, thereby making excuses. Psychologists teach that her partner is responsible for a woman’s emotional state, so be able to admit when you’re wrong, taking into account the following rules:

• in a timely manner;
• sincere;
• not silently, but out loud;
• worthy;
• no excuses.

At the same time, it is important that in every conflict you do not take the entire blow if you do not commit any wrongdoing. Be able to adequately distinguish between real guilt and situations where you made no mistakes.

Forgiveness should be asked, not demanded.

All women, due to their different temperament and character, differ in the speed of letting go of an insult. You need to ask for forgiveness in the right way, not demand it by putting pressure on it. Consider several factors that determine how quickly she will forgive you:

• character;
• giving words of apology;
• way of apologizing;
• gravity of the offense.

Consider your position in which you have no right to expect anything from her in return. Until she forgives you, you are a hostage to the situation and the time she will need to make a decision.

Personal meeting is better

Not every offended girl will be ready to immediately meet with her offender. But you should try to make sure that you utter words of repentance while looking into her eyes. This will reinforce the emotional side of your apology so that it sounds convincing. You can also take her hand and hug her, which will make her even more attracted to you. If she gave you a chance in private, you can organize a public apology to consolidate the result.

Do you know how to ask for forgiveness peacefully, without shouting or quarreling?

Not really

How to appease your wife

A serious offense can make her very angry and cause deep resentment. Therefore, the chances of a positive result during the meeting will be significantly lower. In such a difficult situation, simple but effective ways to appease your wife will help, for example:

• touching SMS message - write a few lines in poetic form;
• romantic message - write a letter, format it beautifully, support it with words of repentance, desire to improve relationships;
• postcard - you can make it yourself or find a beautiful romantic option on sale;
• a small gift - you can use a courier to deliver flowers, sweets, or some gifts;
• a broad gesture - you can make amends for a big mistake with a valuable gift, for example, jewelry, travel, a fur item, etc.

Let her see how important it is for you to atone for your guilt. A broad gesture will demonstrate the seriousness of your intentions and its value in your eyes. Romantic surprises will express the depth of feelings.

Choosing the right place

The success of your actions will largely depend on where you choose to bring words asking for forgiveness. You need to take into account her character, predisposition, personal preferences. Some will feel comfortable in a private setting, others will enjoy a public apology that strokes their pride, while others will melt from a romantic date in some beautiful place. Organize an environment that suits her character.

Ordinary quarrel

It is not so important who is the real culprit of the conflict. Most often, the guy makes the first step towards you. How to make peace with your wife? First you need to pause. Setting priorities and understanding reality takes time. It is better to announce the timeout openly:

“We need to cool down now, when I return, we will discuss everything,” “Honey, the last thing in the world I want to quarrel with you, I was probably wrong about something. I just want to say that I love you.”

At a distance, you both will put your thoughts in order. Let the wait be a few minutes, even hours. A pause that is too long will make the situation worse.

Further discussion. You should listen to your partner and speak out sincerely. If she is hot-tempered and hostile, you will have to make a huge effort on yourself to avoid a scandal. Make it clear: you understand her and are ready to compromise. What should I tell my wife to make peace?

“Darling, I realized everything, let’s not cut from the shoulder.”

My action was dictated by the fear of losing you forever and jealousy. You are so dear to me. Sorry for the offensive words. I love it when you smile, let's not cut from the shoulder.

I'm sorry this happened, please forgive me. I sincerely hope that there will be no more such unpleasant incidents and stories. Forgive me and don’t be angry, dear.

Speak, convince, be persistent. Keep excessive emotionality, impulsiveness, and temper to yourself. Patience plus prudence is the best “healing” scheme. Tactile contact will firmly anchor the world. Hugs, kisses or passionate sex? The main thing is that the initiative is appropriate, mutual, and sincere.

How to apologize correctly in different situations

You can make peace only if you clearly understand your offense and how exactly you offended your spouse. These could be unpleasant and offensive words, alcohol abuse, betrayal or betrayal, physical or mental violence. This is exactly what you need to start from when building a strategy on how to apologize to your wife if you messed up badly.

If you offended me with words

Married couples should communicate correctly not only in a state of harmony, but also in conflict. In the second case, it is much more difficult, since she is driven by negative emotions, and they are driven by rage and anger. Against this background, bad, offensive words are often thrown out, imprinted in the memory for a long time with deep resentment.

Here are some tips from psychologists:

• determine whether your apology is necessary at this time;
• analyze the misconduct, try to empathize with her;
• put yourself in her place, what would you like to hear at the moment of reconciliation;
• show that you feel guilty;
• when apologizing, look her straight in the eye;
• take your words seriously, but don’t overdo it;
• do not make offers to bribe trust.

Remember that the sooner you try to make amends, the better. Otherwise, the girl will screw herself up, and offensive insults will settle deeply in her memory.

For drinking

Not every woman is ready to put up with her husband’s bad habits, especially if we are talking about the abuse of alcoholic beverages often and without reason. Tips on how to apologize to your wife after drinking will help improve your relationship. But first, do everything to appear before her in a sober, adequate state. Then follow these simple recommendations:

• correctly apologize;
• make a promise to quit alcohol forever;
• if it is difficult to solve the problem yourself, ask for moral support;
• promise to visit a qualified specialist together for help;
• thank her for her patience;
• adjust your future behavior in the family.

Let your spouse look at you differently; to do this, pay maximum attention to her and your children. Visit interesting places together, play with children, arrange family gatherings. Establish trusting emotional communication.

For treason

Talking with the aim of reconciliation will be much more difficult if you have taken such a serious step as betrayal. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to wait a very long time for an answer; at first she will in every possible way avoid meetings or contact with you. What is important to do to promote reconciliation:

1. Immediately after the exposure, apologize, do not wait until she complains to her relatives and friends. Otherwise, she will begin to receive “good” advice, which will significantly reduce your chances.
2. Be patient, it will take you a very long time to win her trust. All this time, be prepared for beautiful actions, broad gestures, and attention.
3. Let her express everything she feels. She can say bad words, insult, accept all this with dignity without negativity and emotions. For every offense you cause that she voices, immediately ask for forgiveness.
4. Avoid any communication with your lover or other women. Don’t give even the slightest reason, because she will suspect you of infidelity for a long time.
5. Start wooing your wife from the very beginning. Invite to meetings, organize romantic dates, give compliments, give gifts.

Don't focus only on feelings. Remember that everyday problems and your marital responsibilities have not gone away. Help with raising children, financial issues, and household problems. Show maximum care, let her feel how safe and easy it is to be with a man.

If you raised your hand

Another good reason to beg your spouse for forgiveness is physical violence. According to statistics, it most often leads to divorce. So if you raised your hand and regret it, follow a few rules for atonement:

• convince her that this will never happen again in the future;
• sincerely repent so that she can hear and see it;
• if this happened in front of children, ask for forgiveness from them too;
• make sweeping gestures towards her.

Remember that by giving a man his word never to raise his hand again, you simply must not repeat the mistake. There may not be a second chance.

Have you made the biggest family mistake, have you raised your hand against your spouse?

Not really

Advice from a psychologist ↑

1. Don't take "garbage" out of your home . You shouldn’t tell your family and friends about every quarrel you have. Remember, maybe as a child you had such situations when you complained to your mother about a friend, and when you decided to communicate with him again, your mother protested, citing the fact that he was a “bad boy.” This often happens in adult life. However, telling a loved one about the quarrel can be good for you. This applies to those cases when you just can’t make peace with your loved one without someone else’s help.
2. Talk often. This way you will know about each other’s approximate train of thought, which will prevent you from making a number of mistakes that will cause moral pain to your wife. In addition, the ability to communicate will help you in those moments when you cannot agree on a common opinion. Here you should not blindly insist on your own, but should start a business conversation: ask why your wife thinks this way, if you see that these actions will lead to undesirable consequences, point this out to her, “advertise” your solution, etc. .d.
3. Know how to compromise . If, however, it was not possible to find a joint solution, please both give in to each other. Indicate that it is either like this or not at all. Thus, subsequently each of you will give up trying to “pull the blanket on yourself”, and you will begin to do everything together.
4. Don't compare your family to others. Often there are frank conversations between friends about how one hit his wife and nothing happened after that, the other practices humiliation in communication, etc. Every woman knows her worth, and if the spouses of friends are ready to tolerate such treatment, let them suffer. And your wife probably doesn't deserve this. Love and appreciate your family, because it is there that you are loved and waited for.

How to ask for forgiveness in an original and beautiful way

If your woman is not happy with banal actions and apologies, you can show creativity and an unconventional approach to solving the problem. Consider her character, hobbies, what she might like, and what seems stupid or frivolous. We offer several ideas on how to apologize to your wife in an original way.

Transform into her favorite actor/singer/entertainer

If you know her favorite artist, you can apologize in an original way in this way. How to do this to surprise her:

• find a photo of his face, print it out, cut out a hole for the eyes and put it on like a mask;
• prepare a beautiful bouquet of flowers in advance;
• write an original and touching text;
• In the morning, wake her up wearing a mask with flowers and breakfast in bed, saying words about forgiveness.

Sorry on the asphalt

Buy paint of different colors, choose the right words, and then write them beautifully under her window on the asphalt. You can simply write “sorry”, or you can add her name, words of love, romantic lines. A real drawing made in different colors will look creative. To do this, you can use spray cans instead of usually paint.

Flashlights

Flashlights laid out in the shape of the word “sorry” will look original (do this in the dark). If the weather permits, make it out of candles. In winter, a great alternative would be to say “sorry” from lit sparklers. The main thing is to light them in a timely manner when she looks out the window.

Help from friends

Ask your neighbors or close friends to use their cars to create the shape of the word “sorry,” and when she looks out the window, turn on the headlights and honk the horn. By the same principle, the word is made of their friends. The easiest and most inexpensive way is to write words in the snow and lay them out with rose petals.

Flash mob

If you manage to take her to some crowded place, such as a shopping center, organize a creative performance. To do this, gather a group of people in advance and agree that they will all be in the same place at the same time. When you arrive at the right place, they will perform some kind of dance at the same time to attract attention, and at the end they will ask her to forgive you.

Consequences of the scandal

After a strong quarrel, it is difficult to make peace. In the heat of an argument, you can say hurtful words to each other. A wise man said that of two arguing, both are wrong. You should not utter words that humiliate a person and are unfair. By repeating them many times, you destroy the tenderness and fire of love burning in the heart of your other half.

Below are two possible options that help restore peace in the family.

1. If you had a fight with your wife, buy a beautiful bouquet. In this case, it is useful to know the language of flowers or the preferences of your loved one. Present the bouquet, kneeling on one knee, with an apology. Kind words spoken from the heart have an effect and evoke a response in the soul of any woman.
2. Discuss the quarrel and admit that the offensive words were said heatedly and without thought. You don't really think so. Respect your soulmate, love her very much, cherish her. Admit that she is a wonderful housewife, a good mother, and simply beautiful. Give lots of compliments. Promise that she will never hear rude words again. Commit to self-control from now on.

If you do not apologize and do not take back the unfair words, they will accumulate in your spouse’s head, causing negative feelings towards yourself and towards you. After frequent quarrels, a woman begins to feel disgust and hatred towards her husband. Love cools down and leaves forever.

The most romantic ways to ask for forgiveness

If romance is more to her liking, choose interesting and touching ways to get her talking and melt her heart. We offer several interesting ideas that were practiced by the most sophisticated and romantic men to resolve conflict situations.

Kinder Surprise

Buy a chocolate egg with a toy inside, carefully disassemble it so as not to damage the integrity of the halves. Take the toy out of the capsule, and place jewelry and a note with the word “sorry” inside.

Romantic breakfast

Take familiar foods, but make them a romantic breakfast option. For example, use curly molds to make heart-shaped fried eggs. Cut the fruit and arrange it in the shape of the word “sorry.” If you don’t have time, you can order sweets with inscriptions and in various interesting forms.

Do you please your loved one with breakfast in bed just like that, without any reason?

Not really

Messages

You can leave romantic notes with compliments, words of love and apologies for wrongdoing in different places in your apartment. These can be multi-colored hearts hanging in all rooms. You can prepare everything at night while she is sleeping, and in the morning after waking up you can pleasantly surprise her with a surprise.

Possible mistakes

It is unacceptable to touch alcohol after a quarrel with your wife. This will only worsen the conflict in the family.

When a man thinks about what to say to his wife in order to find reconciliation, he often chooses the wrong words, which further aggravates his situation. Let's look at how not to behave in such a situation.

1. A man who realizes that he has really done something wrong often begins to lie or make excuses. Thus, he exposes himself even more to his wife.
2. If a wife reacts too emotionally to requests to make peace, it is unacceptable to reciprocate and start a scandal. It’s better to let the woman talk, and if necessary, cry. A man must listen to everything and hug his beloved.
3. There is no need to try to pay off with expensive gifts. It’s better to let it be a bouquet of flowers, given from a pure heart, than an expensive piece of jewelry with which you are trying to make amends.
4. It is unacceptable to manipulate a child. It is important to understand that children love both dad and mom equally.
5. The worst thing is when a man leaves home after a quarrel or goes on a drinking binge. Don't try to do it this way.

Accepting the other person's reaction

No matter how much is done to ensure reconciliation occurs, one should not expect it to happen immediately. Moreover, a woman may never forgive. Some actions, such as betrayal or assault, are perceived differently by everyone. What is acceptable for one person is impossible for another under any circumstances and cannot be forgiven. Remember, the offended party does not owe you anything. Perhaps your loved one will be angry for a very long time, you also need to be prepared for this. The main task is to be patient and not give up. You need to try to be heard.

Reason for action

If the situation is much more serious, then the first thing I suggest you do is think carefully about why you did what you did.

Let's start with alcohol. If you want to apologize for drinking, then answer a few questions: this is the first quarrel due to alcohol; why do you drink; do you have problems with alcohol?

The matter may be much more serious than just a quarrel over another trip to the bar. If you really have problems with alcohol, then ask your wife for help, admit your mistakes, and try to resolve this issue together.

Deception. It can be on any topic, for any reason. Why are you hiding something from your wife? What makes you lie to her? Behind any deception lies something more than just the desire to lie. Maybe you're lying because your wife is too suspicious, bossy, or doesn't trust you? I have two articles that will help you understand how to live with a domineering woman: "" and "".

If you hit your woman, then I have bad news for you - you did something terrible. Of course, situations are different. There are men who constantly beat their wives. And there are situations when a man simply gave a weak slap in the face in an attempt to calm the hysteria.

But that doesn't change the matter. You can't hit women. Walk away, yell at her, take her out of the room, break a cup or phone. But never lay your hands on a girl. This only shows your weakness.

Gift for the purpose of reconciliation

It will be great if the words “Sorry, dear” are supported by a bouquet of flowers or a gift. Let the gift be small, the main thing is that it is chosen with love and care. Perhaps it will be something symbolic, for example, paired figurines or figurines.

A good option could be tickets to the theater, cinema or concert, a certificate to a beauty salon or spa. You can also invite your girlfriend to a restaurant that she has long wanted to visit, but never had the time or opportunity, or arrange a romantic candlelit dinner at home. Moreover, it is not necessary that the gift that will complement the words of forgiveness be expensive. Rather, on the contrary, overly pretentious gifts can be regarded as a bribe.

Validate your wife's feelings and don't invalidate them

It is very important to learn to acknowledge the feelings of another - this does not mean giving up your position and agreeing with your partner in everything. You can still disagree, but at the same time acknowledge that her feelings and reaction to what happened are real, and you don’t doubt them. Agree, it’s not up to you to decide how exactly she should have been upset (or not upset) because of your action.

“When we quarreled and I went to see friends in the middle of the night, you felt abandoned and unwanted. I understand that it was very offensive and difficult.”

You are not saying that your reaction was wrong, but you are acknowledging the reality of your spouse, showing that you heard her and understand how scared and hurt she was.

Still from the movie "Pretty Little Liars"

What you absolutely CAN'T do

Hush up a quarrel (even a small one)

All conflicts have a cumulative effect. In addition, over time, the details are forgotten, only feelings remain: betrayal, mistrust, dissatisfaction, sadness, loneliness.

Learn to discuss everything, even the smallest misunderstandings, immediately after they happen - in a calm atmosphere, without shouting or insults.

Talk if anger and irritation have not yet subsided

As we already said, you need to give yourself time to cool down. It's normal to talk about what happened after a while. If emotions get the better of you, there is a risk of only aggravating the situation and taking the quarrel to a new level (even more difficult, of course).

Trying to settle the conflict with sex

A very insidious method that looks beautiful only in the movies, but in reality it only makes things worse. Firstly, this method leaves the problem at the same point, the partner’s resentment does not disappear, and understatement will corrode your relationship for a long time. And secondly, sex subsequently risks becoming a less pleasant activity, causing associations with quarrels, resentments and negative emotions.

“Settling Scores”

The phrase “I agree, I was wrong, but you too...” must be forgotten once and for all.

Pointing out your partner’s shortcomings, and at the same time listing everything that brings (or has brought) discomfort for a long time in order to look better against her background, is an extremely unfortunate technique.

You can and even need to express your dissatisfaction, but at the right time. It is worth learning to discuss problems in everyday life as they arise, without conflict and in a polite manner. Now is not the time to remember past grievances.

Gnawing yourself (long and painfully)

Admitting that you were wrong - yes, getting carried away and thinking only about it - no. Internal torment can play a cruel joke on you.

Firstly, there may be a feeling that you have already “suffered” enough, so there is no need to apologize (in fact, no).

Secondly, during torment, anger and irritation can flare up with renewed vigor, and the conflict will resume.

Thirdly, it often happens that the offender is so upset because of his incontinence that his partner has to console him: “Well, I’ll forgive you, it’s okay.”

In fact, this situation is manipulation in its purest form. Of course, it is pleasant for the aggressor himself, but it has destructive power for relationships. Agree, it is the injured party who should receive consolation and compensation (and in this case it is not you).

What to do after the truce?

Great, the situation is settled, the conflict is resolved. But how to avoid quarrels in the future?

Your main ally is calm. Women are more emotional, so she may be trying to make you angry. But she doesn’t necessarily do it intentionally. Maybe emotions are still boiling inside her, even though she understands everything with her mind.

So there is no need to respond to her accusations and get involved in a new circle of scandal, much less prove that you are right. Exhale and try with all your might to control yourself. Otherwise, you risk saying a bunch of unnecessary nasty things to her.

The next time you are faced with the question “how to make peace with your wife,” remember the advice that you read in my article and try to follow them.

Guilty plea

Before taking steps towards reconciliation and starting to think about how beautifully to ask a girl for forgiveness, a man must realize within himself that by his behavior he has greatly offended his wife or lover. This is difficult for many people to do. For some people, admitting guilt seems like a sign of weakness, but it is not.

On the contrary, only a strong person sees his own mistakes and tries to correct them. An admission of guilt is necessary so that the words “Forgive me, my love” sound sincere. Otherwise, the woman will treat them with distrust, and the final goal will not be achieved.

Short SMS messages

If the opportunity arose to return everything back, I wouldn’t think twice about it, I would return it and fix everything. But, since this is impossible, all that remains is to ask for forgiveness, in the hope of your apology. I love you, I'm sorry.

I have no excuse, this realization is driving me crazy. I'm sorry, no, don't even forgive me. Please don't make hasty decisions, let everything be fixed. Infinitely loving you (name).

Oh, my light of eyes, I just can’t forgive myself for the stupid thing I said to you in anger. You don’t deserve to listen to such sayings and I assure you, I said these nasty things to you out of passion. Forgive the fool!

How I want to become a happy person again, but I can’t without your presence in my life. Sorry, my dear woman, let's forget everything and continue to live happily and carefree.

How hopelessly stupid I was when I took actions that could have hurt you. I’m sorry if I humiliated you with my words or insulted you with my actions, if you can forgive, then I’m sure we can put everything back together.