Every person has heard the word “no”, be it a refusal from a potential client or a girl (or guy) they like. And it's always unpleasant. But sometimes the reluctance to hear a negative response to one’s request from the interlocutor even takes the form of a painful phobia. And then it takes a lot of effort to overcome the fear of another refusal.
About the methods proposed by psychologists to get rid of such fear - in the material of 24SMI.
"No" is not a sentence
The first step on the path, the goal of which is to overcome the fear of possible refusal, will be the realization that life is possible even after a “no”. Indeed, if you analyze the likely scenarios for the development of events after a negative answer from your interlocutor, it is not difficult to understand that in 90% of cases nothing terrible will follow the refusal.
Of course, there are situations when a positive reaction is extremely important for the questioner and can even affect the life and health of relatives. But in such cases, even that person will be worried and embarrassed, whose habits are not at all part of worrying about a possible refusal. In other circumstances, after a negative answer, tragedy does not happen, and therefore, you should not get carried away with worries on this topic.
Convince yourself of your competence!
Next comes the aspect of your own perseverance and ambition. If you are by nature a hesitant and insecure person, you will have to go by the opposite. Give yourself the facts, do you have the basic knowledge, for example in the field of marketing, to try to succeed in an advertising company? If you are going to get a job as a sales consultant in the grocery department of a supermarket, convince yourself that you certainly understand products, and this will be the absolute truth, you yourself regularly visit supermarkets... In other words, when applying for a job and talking in the HR department, you should firmly position yourself, if not as a specialist, then as a learner and purposeful person. Practice your facial expression, voice timbre, and words at home in a comfortable environment for you, and when you arrive at your desired place of work, don’t doubt yourself at all, you deserve to be a good specialist!
Nothing personal
Psychologists have noticed that the fear of hearing “no” is associated with unhealthy associations - a person is sure that he was the reason for the refusal. Turned out to be unworthy of a positive answer. In such cases, depression is especially severe in young people who are still suffering from youthful maximalism and who strive to evaluate what is happening around them from the point of view of their attitude towards their own person.
But in most cases, the mood of the interlocutor, and not the personality of the petitioner, is responsible for the negative reaction on the part of the interlocutor. A headache, lack of sleep, a quarrel with parents or a significant other - and please, the manager is left without a “closed” sale, and the young man is left without a date with a young beauty.
But we must not forget that under other conditions the person who applied could very well hear “yes.” If not for those factors that destroyed the benevolent attitude of his counterpart.
Fear of Rejection, Social Media and Real Life
Throughout our lives, each of us has been rejected. In fact, the first thing you will learn is that others do not always choose us as friends, partners or colleagues. Psychologically, fear of rejection or sensitivity to rejection is a human disposition. Fear is assimilated into a personality trait that is characterized by an anxious and persistent anticipation of rejection, involving hypersensitivity to the sensation of rejection at the moment it occurs and with an intense emotional reaction after the event.
In other words, high rejection sensitivity is characterized by intense concern for situations—real or perceived—in which a person is rejected or criticized. This involves hypervigilance to social cues and extreme attunement to other people's emotional states.
Hypersensitivity to social cues
On social networks, especially in groups or chats, those who are afraid of rejection are at risk. Refusal makes them sensitive to any expression of dissatisfaction, the situation is similar to the operation of sonar, which can detect danger through sound waves. If a person is not very sensitive, he will not be aware of and perceive the dissatisfaction of others, but if he is hypersensitive, everything will be taken very personally with a lack of an objective assessment of the situation. In other words, a person will consider comments or remarks that are not meant to be critical as signs of rejection.
The consequence of this hypersensitivity is the creation of a vicious circle that worsens interaction. In fact, a strong expectation of rejection causes a person to remain aloof and silent, creating a mirror reaction of distance. At this point, the person who fears rejection will perceive the other's distance as proof that they are not appreciated, increasing the degree of rejection in the relationship.
Unfortunately, what seems like a good strategy (personal surliness) can lead to misunderstandings.
The Evolutionary Drive to Fear of Rejection
Fear of rejection is common in humans and is considered by many psychologists to be a psychological adaptation aimed at preventing exclusion from a group.
The need to belong has played, and continues to play, a key role in the survival of humanity. It arises from the need for people to form groups that make survival easier. Groups can exchange food and resources, provide mutual assistance in raising children, and increase their ability to protect themselves from threats.
It's no surprise that fear of negative judgment is one of the biggest fears a person experiences.
From this perspective, rejection sensitivity aims to ensure good relationships with other community members. Moreover, monitoring social cues would allow early identification of signs that predict failure and the development of adequate coping strategies. For example, by activating restorative responses (submission) or an active situation avoidance response (attack-escape behavior).
Fear of sentimental rejections
A special case is the fear of being rejected by a person to whom we feel attracted and attached.
Rejection in this case can be especially painful because it is related to the opinion of oneself.
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In addition to an overall decrease in mood, sentimental withdrawal can cause depression, low self-esteem and fear of one's future. Additionally, feelings of revenge are not uncommon, which in extreme cases can lead to situations of psychological or physical abuse.
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The suffering caused by sentimental rejection serves two adaptive functions. Crying and displays of sadness serve as a social signal and promote an empathic process that will cause people who care to support those who have been rejected. In this sense, demonstrating refusal helps increase social support.
Second, the pain of rejection represents a negative consequence that the person will not want to experience again. The situation has the function of reminding the person that the strategies used in courtship have proven ineffective and will encourage the adoption of new strategies in the future.
On the way to better things
Another interesting way will help in overcoming the fear of failure. It is enough to convince yourself that every “no” is, on the one hand, a brick in the wall of accumulated life experience, and on the other, another step on the path to better things.
That is, to achieve an understanding that a person who refuses only pushes one to search for more suitable methods for solving a particular problem. Or to choosing an ideal soul mate, if we are talking about interpersonal relationships.
Types of atychiphobia
There are several forms of the disorder, which have some features of manifestation.
Self-sabotage is manifested by the atychiphobe’s persistent belief in the inevitability of failure. A person participates in any endeavor, but the confidence of defeat is embedded in him as if in the subconscious. The patient instinctively does everything to fail.
Self-isolation forces a person to give up activities that involve competition.
Perfectionism is the desire for perfection. A person tries to fulfill his plans at the highest level, and approaches the completion of every task with unbearable scrupulousness. He mobilizes all his strength to achieve the desired result. Perfectionism costs the patient severe stress and moral exhaustion. He tries to protect himself from erroneous actions and failures. The task he undertakes is carried out with amazing precision, flawlessly. It operates on the principle: do what you know, if you don’t know something, then don’t do it at all. That is, he takes on only what he masters perfectly. The patient does not take on unknown matters, as he is terrified of failure.
A businesswoman who is well versed in financial matters easily carries out complex financial manipulations, but feels like a real layman in cooking. Fearing that the dish will be spoiled, the woman avoids the kitchen, believing that she will never learn to cook.
Atychiphobia in the form of immobilization is characterized by self-doubt, inaction, and indifference to personal growth. Fear of the new, fear of failure are perceived as a character trait that cannot be changed, but only to be reconciled.
Don't make predictions
It is possible to overcome the fear of a possible “no” by stopping forecasting. Because in the case of such attempts, people (with the exception of those who are “one hundred percent” confident in themselves) tend to promise themselves failure, “predicting” a negative outcome.
Therefore, they manage to become convinced of the hopelessness of their own undertaking, even before they ask a question or seek help. And they are more likely to expect the negative than to hope for a positive solution.
It is worth remembering that a person who is prepared in advance for failure involuntarily projects his own attitude towards the situation and onto the person to whom he is addressing. And the latter, sensing the emotional background of the interlocutor, strives to stop the conversation, and therefore it is easier to say “no,” thereby breaking the distance. So the right strategy is to stop creating depression in your own mind and surrender to chance.
Understanding the Employer Agreement
If a person is afraid of talking with the head of a company from which he previously resigned of his own free will, for help it is worth turning to the legislation, which tells us about the rights to choose one’s place of work or change it at one’s own discretion. You enter into an agreement with a specific company, according to which you will perform your duties and receive appropriate payment for this. You are not hired as a slave on a galley, but offer the employer mutually beneficial cooperation. What reasons prompted you to return to your previous workplace is your own business, and you are not obliged to report on this.
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Understand the reasons
A great way to overcome the fear of “no” is to ask those who answer negatively about the reasons for their decision. This will allow, on the one hand, to accumulate experience, which will allow us to evaluate the chances of “winning” in the future. And at the same time it will give you the opportunity for a “second pass”. After all, a person talking about the reasons for saying “no” is able to revise his own initial conclusions in the process of explanation.
Naturally, the question must be asked correctly and gently, so as not to provoke the respondent to aggression.
How to deal with the fear of rejection
Below are some simple tips for dealing with rejection (real or dangerous) from others.
- Remember that rejection is a normal aspect of existence and that it is not unusual to feel emotional pain.
- Ask yourself if there are alternative explanations that might justify the other person's distant or angry attitude. For example, difficulty at work, fatigue, or simply lack of time to devote yourself to conversation.
- Use rejection as a constructive moment to improve yourself or reconsider the situation: What can you improve to avoid criticism in the future? Is what he told me really a refusal?
- Love, respect and accept yourself. Rejection is painful, but it is in the face of it that everyone should feel confident in their worth. You can try to contact a loved one who respects and loves you. His support will greatly help you in the fight against fear of rejection.
- Look at the big picture. Often the rejection is limited to a situation, context, or comes from one person and should not be considered as a general judgment.
- Don't let feelings of anger and revenge win. It is important not to let anger drive impulsive actions, but rather to recognize the anger and engage in enjoyable activities that will help overcome it.
Rejection can hurt you and make you doubt yourself. But fearing this can limit you, preventing you from experiencing much of what life has to offer. Looking at rejection as an opportunity for growth instead of something you can't change can help you feel less afraid of the opportunity. The pain usually goes away with time, and this is no exception. After a year or even a few months, it may no longer matter much. If you are having trouble overcoming this fear, counseling can help.
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In the battle for confidence
People who are insecure often have to fight their own fear of rejection. The latter think that the shortcomings that they have identified in themselves are known to others. Although in reality nothing like this is observed.
Therefore, in order to overcome the fear of “no,” you will have to overcome uncertainty. And personal growth training or a visit to a psychologist are not suitable for these purposes (except in cases of psychological trauma). And self-control and exercise - nothing gives self-confidence like a beautiful and healthy body. Plus, training helps you take your mind off the negative and not drive yourself into depression, as well as develop perseverance in your character.
Personality disorder and fear of rejection
At the psychopathological level, fear of rejection overlaps with many disorders but is of particular relevance to some personality disorders.
Borderline Personality Borderline personality disorder is characterized by pervasive emotional instability, impulsiveness in actions, and difficulty maintaining stable social relationships. These people react impulsively and emotionally to situations in which they anticipate or experience rejection. Those suffering from this disorder tend to feel more isolated from groups. They perceive less belonging even in the face of clear displays of acceptance and inclusion.
Narcissistic personality
A second disorder in which rejection sensitivity is central is narcissistic personality disorder. The experience of social rejection is very painful for these people, to the point of causing violent and angry reactions.
Avoidant personality
A third personality disorder that is based on fear of rejection is avoidant personality disorder. This pathology is characterized by a deep sense of inadequacy combined with a fear of criticism and rejection. These people tend to view themselves as chronically inferior to others, fearing most everyday interactions.
Social anxiety disorder
Finally, fear of rejection is central to social anxiety. This is not a personality disorder. It often manifests itself in a limited form due to the fear of being criticized during public speaking. Those who suffer from social anxiety are afraid of looking stupid and being criticized.
