Emotional dependence is a type of psychological dependence in which strong or polar emotions are experienced when in contact with the object of passion. Emotional dependence on a person is a kind of dependence that pushes into the background the life, interests and affairs of the person himself, leaving only relationships and the object of dependence. There is a merging and loss of one’s own self, the need for vivid emotions increases (as with chemical addiction, the required dose of a substance increases).
Emotions do not necessarily have to have a positive direction (more often this happens only in the initial stages of a relationship, and then they are replaced by fear, jealousy, resentment, anger), but they must be very strong or have the character of a sharp contrasting difference.
The opposite pole of emotional dependence is counter-dependence, into which a person plunges after experiencing the experience of dissolution in another. This is a state of denial of the importance of relationships and attachment, when merging is frightening, people keep a distance from others and close relationships, avoiding attachment and responsibility.
What is emotional dependence?
Normally, in relationships of any kind, we may occasionally experience feelings of dependence.
Simply because we are always in a state of exchanging emotions with other people. For example, we are always not indifferent to what our loved ones or our boss think about us. And if, for example, the boss criticized our work, then we will be sad or worried. And if a friend gives us a compliment, our mood will improve. However, no matter what emotions other people make us experience, we can still recognize ourselves as individual individuals whose opinions about ourselves may not coincide with the opinions of others. Normally, we maintain a sense of our own autonomy and are not destroyed by the fact that someone does not approve of us. In the case of pathological emotional dependence, which is especially characteristic of love relationships, a person does not recognize himself as a separate person; he is almost always in a state of psychological fusion with another person. As a rule, any love relationship goes through this stage of merging - at the stage of falling in love, when both partners are literally absorbed in each other, and practically do not part. However, in a mature relationship, the stage of falling in love gives way to partnership. And at this stage, the relationship between the partners may not be so touching, but it is more comfortable - in a couple, everyone has their own space and autonomy.
But this does not happen with dependent people - they experience the autonomy of another as a threat to the security of the relationship. Such people always try to maintain relationships at the level of the first stage of merging, when “we are one,” “we watched the movie and we didn’t like it.” In essence, a dependent relationship in a couple is a regression, an attempt to reproduce a child-parent relationship, in which one is an “adult” who must support, pay attention, give gifts, etc., and the other is a “child”, small and weak , which consumes all these emotional benefits.
Most often, in such a couple, the “child” always clings to the relationship, craves emotional intimacy, and the “adult” is always emotionally cold, distancing himself. One seems to be running away all the time, and the other is catching up. And due to cultural and gender characteristics, the role of the one who is catching up is usually a woman, and the role of the one running away is usually a man.
What's bad about emotionally dependent relationships?
Well, what's so scary about that, you might think? Women can be small and weak, but for men, on the contrary, it is important to feel their importance and take care of the lady of their heart. The fact is that in dependent relationships there is strong emotional tension all the time, and therefore both partners feel unhappy. For example, a woman is always worried that she will be abandoned, and a man is angry because she always demands something from him and does not give him freedom. He wants to go fishing with friends, but she whines that he doesn’t love her and leaves her “all alone on the day off.” In dependent couples, relationships are always unstable - from merging, when the couple walks somewhere together, cooing, holding hands, to a new wave of alienation, when tired of the merging, the man slams the door and leaves for the night, and the woman sobs and tears herself up. hair in alarm that she was abandoned after all. Then the lovers make up, and the cycle repeats again. Over time, tired of such tension in the couple, the man, as a rule, leaves, once again justifying the woman’s alarming fears - “I really was abandoned, no one needs me.”
Very often, it is in such relationships that abuse develops, when a man, realizing his power and importance, shows aggression, manipulates his other half, realizing that he will not be abandoned anyway. A dependent partner, by his behavior, seems to constantly deny his own value, unconsciously signaling to his beloved - “I don’t know if I’m good enough for love, you evaluate me.” And naturally, at some point, the other half begins to take advantage of this.
Husband is king, god and lord
There was that dependence not because the children were like peas in the shops, and the husband was the only breadwinner in the house. Not because the young woman married the old, expecting to live as a lady, without worries and hassle, even depending on the generosity of her husband. Such financial dependence in a relationship is not scary when it suits both parties. No, that dependence arose from the great love of the wife for her husband. So, at least, it seemed to the woman herself.
She loved him so much, idolized him so much that she elevated him to the rank of master, controlling all her thoughts and actions. In the morning he will prepare the vestments, serve the royal breakfast in bed, and faithfully await the return of his master after a working day. Not a step out of the yard, no fun with girlfriends, no plans for the future without the consent of my husband. And there are no outside desires, just to be next to him, to hold his hand, to faithfully look for a response to your love in his eyes.
One big fear lived in her constantly - losing her beloved. One big concern constantly overcame me - to earn a good attitude towards myself, to prove that I was worthy of the love and affection of my betrothed. And the more she loved him so much, the less joy there was in her life, the more time passed in the difficult expectations of her husband, who was increasingly reluctant to return to her.
There is such a disease - dependence on your husband
Unfortunately, statistics show that every third woman who comes for a consultation with a psychotherapist suffers from love addiction to her husband. A psychologist can easily determine when women confuse love with love addiction. After all, their manifestations are diametrically opposed.
Love inspires, charges with positivity and vital energy. Dependence on a husband is only called love, but love here is supplanted by the fear of being left alone. This fear deprives a woman of the ability to experience pleasure in life, since all her strength and desires are directed toward keeping her husband close to her.
There are a number of symptoms by which a woman dependent on a man immediately recognizes herself:
- lack of personal hobbies and circle of friends;
- a tendency to sacrifice one’s interests, desires, and comfort to please one’s husband;
- inability to say no;
- the desire to always be good for him, to earn his love;
- terrible panic at the thought of losing her husband;
- inability to make your plans and make your decisions without looking at a man.
Emotional dependence on husband
Love addiction is also an emotional addiction, since a woman does not receive the necessary satisfaction from life. A woman tries to get a lack of emotional experiences, even negative ones, from her husband. Envy and jealousy grows towards the husband’s more interesting, eventful and meeting-filled life outside the walls of the house. Resentment, reproaches, growing aggression towards the spouse and simultaneous attempts to justify his inattention and indifference to her needs lead to constant suffering.
The husband is nearby, he said a kind word - again he feels good and calm in his soul, he leaves - terrible thoughts besiege the woman, depriving her of peace. Such emotional swings exhaust her both physically and mentally. It is no coincidence that emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease.
What can cause addiction to form?
As a rule, the cause of addiction lies in childhood. Often these are people who experienced the trauma of rejection at an early age - when the mother, for example, ignored the needs of the child, was emotionally cold, rejecting, or simply often separated from the baby for a long time. Such individuals grow up with low self-esteem, a feeling of insufficient value and importance. Therefore, they unconsciously strive to find a relationship in which they can “get” love and acceptance, and feel needed at the expense of another. The tragedy is that this need turns out to be insatiable, and therefore dependent individuals are constantly focused on their partner “proving” their love and devotion to them every day. And if the “evidence” is not enough, severe anxiety and fear appear, thoughts arise: “he doesn’t love me,” “he doesn’t need me,” etc. Again, unable to survive these unpleasant feelings, the dependent person clings to the partner, the feeling “I can’t live without him,” etc. appears.
How to find time for yourself?
This is not about visiting a cosmetologist or going to the gym. Time for yourself – a few tens of minutes a day, spent completely alone.
At these moments, you can try to meditate, do breathing exercises, paint a watercolor landscape, think about the book you read. In other words, this time should be devoted to self-development and peace and harmony.
It's important to find a gap in your daily routine that you can stick to consistently.
How to understand that a woman is dependent on her partner?
If you are wondering whether there is an emotional dependence in your relationship, pay attention to the following alarming symptoms:
You are often jealous of your partner. Self-doubt and constant fear of losing the object of passion makes dependent individuals suspect your loved one of infidelity.
of any changes. Any changes in relationships, life, and even more so in a man’s behavior cause great anxiety.
You are constantly focused on your partner. “He came home from work somehow cheerful,” “Why did he lock himself in the bath for so long?”, “Who’s writing to him?” - an addicted person is constantly focused on his partner. His behavior, mood - everything becomes extremely significant and affects his overall emotional state.
Your partner's autonomy causes you great anxiety . “Should I let him go to a bar with friends? Will he go on vacation alone? And what about me?" It is completely intolerable for a dependent person to accept the fact that a loved one is a separate person, with his own friends, interests and even thoughts. If a partner seeks to spend time separately, this is always perceived as an attempt to destroy the relationship.
It is difficult for you to make decisions on your own . Dependent individuals are emotionally immature and always need support from their partner. It is difficult for them to act independently, especially if a loved one expresses their dissatisfaction with them.
You often abandon your interests in favor of the interests of your partner . Ideally, you would like to spend all your free time with your loved one and not be separated. Well, if he decided to go fishing, then what kind of meetings can you have with your friends? You will go fishing with him. A dependent person, out of fear of losing a significant object, begins to live a life that is not his own, and even often completely forgets about who he is and what he wants.
You can't imagine your life without a partner . Imagine for a moment that your loved one broke up with you. What will your life be like? If thinking about this confuses you and makes you anxious, there may be an addiction creeping into your relationship.
Advice from psychologists
How to get rid of love addiction to men? Most psychologists consider this condition to be a disease that should be treated. If a girl has discovered symptoms of attachment to her partner, she should not fall into despair, since awareness of the problem is a step towards solving it.
You can't try to dismiss the problem. Running away won't solve anything and won't lead to anything. Most experts on the issue of combating love addiction give the following advice:
- One of the most suitable ways to fight is to switch and develop your own interests. It’s worth taking up a hobby, getting involved in sports, immersing yourself in work and communicating with other people;
- You cannot close yourself off from the outside world and withdraw into yourself - more communication, more new acquaintances and self-development;
- Talking with friends helps a lot in getting rid of an internal crisis;
- Aggression should not be present in relationships. If a man is a tyrant, he should be immediately removed from life.
Unhealthy relationship
The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman has been studied for many years. You should not drive yourself and your partner into a slave relationship. This kind of phenomenon does not lead to anything good.
How to cope with dependence on a partner?
- Pay attention to yourself. Instead of once again monitoring your crush’s likes on social networks, think about what exactly he gives you in a relationship, why do you choose him? Every time, in incomprehensible and alarming situations, return the focus of attention from his actions to yourself, your feelings and thoughts. In the end, you cannot control and change another person, but you cannot completely change yourself.
- Strengthen your self-worth. If you didn’t have anyone to support you as a child, then become your own mom and dad! Support yourself, praise, celebrate what you do great, what others value you for and what you can value and love yourself for.
- Develop autonomy. Think about what you want from life, what you are striving for and try to realize it little by little. You can start with some interesting hobby that you will do on your own, without a partner. Don't be afraid to act autonomously, you have everything for this.
- Become financially independent. Oddly enough, money can also be a therapeutic resource. As a rule, dependent individuals also depend on their partner financially. Therefore, focus on starting to earn money on your own, or pay for all your “wants” yourself. As soon as you start doing this, you will notice how much more confident you become, and the constant anxiety about your partner decreases.
- Accept your anxiety and don't try to control it. A dependent person is constantly afraid that their partner will leave, and in order to cope with this, they spend a lot of energy. So, stop it. Accept as a fact that you are anxious not because of your partner, but because of your personality traits. Every time you feel this anxiety, focus on it as much as possible, do breathing exercises, and remember that it will pass.
Well, remember: if your relationship is connected not only by painful dependence, then it will only improve as your independence develops. If everything rests on your anxiety and “clinging” to a man, then in any case, sooner or later they will collapse.
Love for a married man
Two friends are talking. One asks the other: “Which husband should I choose?” - Leave your husbands alone. Choose your single man!
The problem of “I love a married man” is as old as time. It has existed almost as long as monogamous marriage, and at the same time it retains its sharpness to this day. In other words, no matter what the millennium is, quite a lot of girls fall into this trap. Moreover, for a variety of reasons.
It can be assumed that such a girl is unconsciously looking for an older male protector as a partner, and older men are already all family. We can hypothesize that the girl may have difficulties with self-esteem, and she is afraid of “not liking” a free man. It can be assumed that the girl is under “pressure” in the family and in the surrounding current society - they say, why don’t you have a man yet, grab the first one you come across, you never know if he’s married! There are even wonderful phrases among the people, for example - “A wife is not a wall, she will move.”
Quite often in articles on this topic the eternal question “Who is to blame” is raised. It is said with pathos that “the girl is not to blame, you can’t order your heart, it’s all a man!” And the other side answers: “No, the man has nothing to do with it, it’s the girl’s fault, there was no need to attract a married man!” Still others get excited: “It’s the wife’s fault, she ran the house badly, rarely went to bed with her husband - this is the result!” However, looking for someone to blame is a very unproductive move in any decision. And if you like, there are no “guilty” people in such a situation. It is much more effective here to puzzle over the mechanism that draws a person into such relationships. By the way, let’s not forget that there are usually two people in a relationship (and if there is a “love triangle”, then there are de facto three). And everyone has their own specific needs and possible problems, as well as their own reasons for creating and maintaining such relationships. Moreover, as a rule, if a girl managed to free herself from one “love for a married man,” then often after a while she falls in love with a new gentleman, who is also “not single.”
At the same time, we will not consider situations like “a married man had been thinking about divorce for a long time, met another lady, proposed marriage to her, got divorced and remarried,” or “his wife found out about his mistress and immediately filed for divorce,” or “his mistress found out about having a wife and left.” In this material, only those “triangles” that have entered a chronic, long-term phase are analyzed. When the “alignment of roles” lasts for years, or even decades: with “tug of war”, conflicts, manipulative games, etc.
So, the young girl met a man whom she liked and fell in love with. It doesn’t even matter here whether she knew that the man was married, or whether it became obvious after the fact. But you can’t command your heart, as they say. But further events can develop in approximately two ways.
Option one, which actually doesn’t occur as often as journalists like to write about it: a man simply believes that having a mistress is prestigious and honorable, like an expensive car. Plus, in such cases, a mistress can be an additional confirmation of a man’s “sense of power” in his family, another human unit in the “hierarchical structure controlled by him.” All this is more typical for owners of pronounced epileptoid accentuation.
In this option, a man may well support both his mistress and his wife, but at the same time quite openly disregard either one or the other. And his mistress wins psychologically in only one way: she is immediately informed that there will be a relationship, financial support will most likely also be, but there will be no divorce and subsequent marriage. And here the problem of “love for a married man” often flows into the problem of dependence on this very man.
But there is also a second version of the “I love a married man” situation: I suspect that it has been much less studied, although it occurs much more often. When a man with some intimate phobia appears as a mistress. Before marriage, almost all the women they know try to manage such men, and after marriage (if such a man does get married) - the legal spouse: what is called - legally. He is trying to find at least some outlet in life: and suddenly a young girl appears in his field of vision, who seems to understand him, and seems ready to respect his personality!..
***
A man walks into a jewelry store. Saleswoman: - Oh, it’s so good that you came to us, we have discounts! Buy something as a gift for your girlfriend! Man (sadly): - But I don’t have a girlfriend... - It can’t be! Such a prominent man - and no girlfriend? Why? - My wife doesn’t allow...
Much more often, the “chronic love triangle” is built on the basis of the girl’s own motive: “If you feel bad, find someone who is worse off and help him.”
Often such a girl also initially feels in life, let’s say, lonely and rather restless, so she is quite ready to understand her lover in this regard. And when a family man, sighing, begins to talk about how difficult his family life is, how his legal wife does not understand him, and so on, the girl quite often sincerely decides to console him and help him. And she becomes his mistress.
If we call everything by its proper name, then in such a situation she gets involved in the so-called Karpman triangle in the role of the Savior. At the same time, entering into a competition imposed on her (albeit in absentia) with her legal wife. His wife doesn’t understand him - but I will! She doesn’t have sex with him - but I will! She doesn’t listen to him, doesn’t respect him, and so on and so forth - but I will!.. And she really will, and actively does it all, sometimes openly to the detriment of herself and her needs.
But after some time the realization comes: what next? After all, logically, if “that wife” is really as bad as a man often says, then, having seen and clearly appreciated the “alternative,” he will at least think about leaving “that bad one” and exchange her for “that one.” good”?.. And when this doesn’t happen and doesn’t happen, the girl begins to get lost.
Some start a conversation with their man on this topic directly. And, as a rule, they receive the answer: they say, a divorce will have a bad effect on his career, or his wife has just fallen ill, or the children are still small... In general, dear, we should wait a little longer. And the next stage of waiting drags on for several more years.
But is a man in such a situation always really going to “exchange one thing for another”? Unfortunately no. Quite often, the situation suits him by and large: he is “under the influence” of not one, but two women who are clearly or subtly competing for his male attention. For many, despite all the tension of the moment, the situation is frankly flattering, and it turns out to be simply unprofitable for a man to change his disposition. Only in this situation, he is unlikely to voice this to his mistress. Many girls ask “Why doesn’t he make a choice” - and few people understand that often a man has already made such a choice. This means not making a choice at all and staying with both your wife and your mistress.
But seeing this, realizing it, taking note of it can be quite painful for a girl. Especially if this actually becomes the collapse of the main hope of “someday becoming the only one for your man.” Here, common methods of self-deception are often involved, for example, “He doesn’t really love his wife, but loves me.” But if you think about it, what prevents a man from loving both women at the same time? And in different ways? Or love the very fact that there are two of them in his life?..
It is curious that over time the situation can change in a rather specific direction. If the wife really “rules” this man, then usually the mistress over time... begins to do the same. Because she has a stereotype: “He’s so indecisive!” The mistress perceives a man’s desire to keep a “harem” in his charge as “an inability to make a decision,” and the further he goes, the more he becomes a kind of “mommy” looking after his adult “son.” But then, even more so, if it’s the same here, what’s the point for a man to change one thing for another?
Yes, having become a “servant of two masters,” he usually unconsciously continues to feel like “a sultan who can please and support two whole women.” In addition, with increasing pressure from both, he may develop some additional pleasure from the fact that he is not completely controlled by any of his ladies. And accordingly, especially for him, “making a decision” means again leaving everything as it is.
***
Two friends meet: - You know, I had such sex yesterday, with such a man - just a fairy tale! - Well, yes! And who is he, if it’s not a secret? - But I will never tell anyone this! Especially his wife!
The question naturally arises: why are we talking about a triangle in terms of relationships, because usually the wife and mistress do not know about each other until the very end?
About “ignorance” - this, alas, is more a myth than a reality. If only because the mistress eventually develops a motive “so that the wife finds out”: they say, since the man was caught so indecisive, then maybe the wife, when she finds out, will take some radical measures? Moreover, this desire - to make the affair public in front of his wife - may not always be conscious: hence - accidental slips of the tongue, SMS messages on the wrong phone and other seemingly random troubles... And a man can often also consciously or unconsciously strive “for everything to come out.” out." Firstly, it is psychologically difficult to live in constant tension. And secondly, sometimes a man’s mistress actually appears when his legal wife is convinced that he is “worthless.” And so, oh
For a man who maintains a chronic love triangle around himself, it is almost always important to “prove his worth” to someone. What in financial terms, what in sex, what in the ability to be loved... And the inexperienced girl who looks at him with loving eyes is perfectly suited to the role of “partner” in this process of proof. But this is precisely where the foundation of the future “long-lasting triangle” is laid: because he will have to prove something to his wife, which means that a wife is needed for this. And then, having voluntarily or unwittingly provoked something like the well-known manipulative game “Come on, let’s fight” between wife and mistress, many men also begin to feel better psychologically, even with all the possible negative consequences of such a game.
Moreover, even if a man breaks this triangle and leaves his wife, he most often changes his mistress along with this. Since this mistress arose in his life only due to the specifics of the relationship with a particular wife, and is complementary, so to speak, to this particular wife. But even if a man, under the yoke of guilt or for some other reason (although the option is quite rare), still marries his mistress, then most likely he will soon find a new one, and the “chronic triangle” will go into a new circle.
***
Women wear a wedding ring to make their friends jealous. Men wear a wedding ring to get sympathy from their friends.
The problem “I love a married man” is so widespread and psychologically acute that it involuntarily acquires a fair number of common myths (more like bad advice). For example, “Don’t think about his wife.” However, it is difficult for a mistress not to think about his wife if he somehow mentions her, constantly goes to see her (at least spend the night), goes on vacation with her, spends weekends with her, and, in the end, complains about her to the same mistress! And finally, a fairly well-known psychological experience: if they constantly tell you “Don’t think about the white monkey,” what will you think about all the time?..
Another piece of advice: “Fight for love.” If you are offered to fight, it is advisable to at least have a rough idea of who you are going to fight with. With his wife? Then it will increasingly resemble the already mentioned game “Come on, let’s fight” or its variants. Considering also that the wife may feel at least a legal right “to fight not only for love, but also for the family.” Then who to fight? With the man himself? How can you fight him for his own love? And which of the two rivals should win in this fight? And the struggle with oneself is even more ineffective in such a struggle - I emphasize, precisely in struggle, and not in cooperation! — there are no winners.
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And another piece of advice: “Increase your self-esteem.” This, unfortunately, can be even more difficult. If a girl initially fell into this trap largely because she was used to living “waiting for miracles”, then during all the time while she is waiting for these miracles, and they do not happen, her self-esteem is unlikely to grow. Especially if there is such a “negative evaluative factor” from the outside, such as a man who “will not express his preference” in any way.
Moreover, this whole struggle wastes time and other resources: mental, material and intellectual. Yes, if all these resources are close to complete depletion, the chronic triangle may one day fall apart on its own and it seems possible to “start a new life.” But by that time, all participants, as a rule, have practically no strength left for this.
But then, readers may ask me, what can a psychotherapist do in such a situation?..
It is often believed that nothing can be done. Because he cannot “force a man to marry a girl who is in love with him.”
However, “to force” is not exactly the diocese of a psychotherapist. To “force” you need to hire other specialists with irons and soldering irons. And psychotherapy, and in particular advisory psychotherapy, can help in such a situation in other ways.
Again, I can’t speak for all my colleagues, but specifically I, as a specialist, can help one of the participants who seeks advice, analyze the current situation, see important (but not yet obvious) connections, bring into the realm of consciousness unconscious motivations for participation in one or another manipulative game and analyze options for possible exits from destructive interactions. Of course, each participant in a particular triangle will have their own exits. In principle, there are no universal recipes here: but it is quite possible to help one of the participants in such a “triangle”, even if the others do not yet realize the full destructiveness of the situation that has arisen.
The problem of loving a married man is quite serious, and it is unlikely to be solved with simple advice from the “choose a single man” series. But such problems can be solved, but solving them requires knowledge and work: both from a psychotherapist-consultant and your own. Because in reality, no one except you knows what “real happiness” is for you - and the task of a psychotherapist is only to help you formulate it, extract it from your unconscious and, in fact, implement it in the most effective ways for you.
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