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Dominance and submission are two opposing states of the human psyche. In psychiatry, dominance is characterized as an innate need of any person. Dominance implies a dominant position in a relationship, psychological priority. However, in the process of social adaptation and education, this need is suppressed.

When my friend's marriage failed, we were all at a loss. Why did such a happy couple suddenly decide to separate? It turned out that two dominant personalities got married. In the article I will talk about who dominants are, how to communicate with them, and how to become the leader of a social group or in your family.

What does dominant mean?

Dominance is the need to dominate and suppress. However, this is expressed differently in different situations, because... You can gain power over other people or an individual in different ways.

Dominance and submission are two mutually opposite states of human behavior, which are defined by psychiatry. Dominance is considered as an innate need of every individual.

A dominant is a person who strives for dominance in a relationship, demonstrating his psychological priority. The educational environment and the process of socialization often suppress this need in a person. Since man is a social being, he realizes that the ability to dictate his will to others and influence the thoughts and actions of people, contrary to their wishes, is not always necessary. Sometimes it is much easier to voluntarily give up the role of leader, remaining an outside observer.

As an example, we can cite the events of the film “Aty - Baty, Soldiers Came.” Leonid Bykov's hero, Corporal Svyatkin, an experienced fighter, in a difficult battle for the station, temporarily takes command of the platoon of the young and inexperienced Lieutenant Suslin, played by Vladimir Konkin.

Block 6. Submission. Example of negotiations.

Dominator.

– You didn’t complete the order on time, it’s your fault!

Subordinate.

– Vasily Petrovich, the mistake made is a consequence of the lack of regulations in our organization, when each action is clearly defined. Everything must be written down and documented. Then there will be no mistakes.

Dominator.

– Don’t make excuses, you’ll still be punished!

Subordinate.

– Vasily Petrovich, I have already been punished for discrediting myself in your eyes. Now you will think badly of me, consider me a bad specialist. I have lost your trust, which I need to earn again, and this is difficult to do.

Dominator.

- You have not only lost trust, but you will also lose money, because I will fine you!

Subordinate.

– Vasily Petrovich, a mistake in my work is an opportunity to review the current vehicle maintenance standards and replace them with more adequate ones, taking into account operation in difficult conditions, fines will not help this, systemic solutions are needed here.

Dominator.

- Well, make these system solutions so that orders reach customers on time!

Subordinate.

– Vasily Petrovich, this is a difficult question that we all together have not been able to answer for several days now, and we cannot cope with it quickly, but if on Wednesday at 13:00 before lunch we gather the leaders and set such a task, then in an hour you can get a couple of solutions. Should I notify everyone?

In this way, the subordinate took the conflict situation into a productive direction, and the issue of the fine ceased to be important for the boss. You can learn how to cope with all sorts of difficult situations in negotiations when you are under pressure in my trainings.

Types of people

In society, a conditional division of its members into leaders and subordinates is accepted. Psychologists have identified types of characters, according to which one can determine how a person behaves in society:

Alpha;
Beta;
Omega.

The first type includes the leader of the group, the dominant, who is not afraid to take initiative and responsibility, while withstanding competition with other alphas, defending his position. These people are characterized as selfish and willful, aggressive and assertive, intolerant of disagreement and defending their point of view. Leaders of society are able to quickly navigate and adjust to changing circumstances, making smart decisions. Very few people have these qualities.

Beta people, by virtue of their nature, do not strive to take a leadership position, but due to circumstances they will be able to temporarily lead a social group. In other conditions, such individuals may be subordinate to stronger dominants or rise to the level of omega type.

Omega-type members of society are passive enough to even think about the position of a dominant. They do not strive for leadership and competition, preferring a calm, worry-free, simple plant life. Life in unquestioning submission to leaders is their norm. And any society of each state overwhelmingly consists of omega-type people, for whom no fish is a toad - a nightingale.

It is interesting that the same person can, in different situations or social units, simultaneously represent all hierarchical levels. For example, the head of the family, as a rule, is the dominant figure for the household. But he can also be a beta type among friends, and in the workplace exist as a “gray” average omega.

Rule five: the person who dominates is always in the role of evaluator.

When you evaluate someone, you are always higher psychologically. Because who can evaluate? Mom, dad, boss at work, etc. People who are taller than you. And the one who is being evaluated usually tries to correspond to this assessment, tries to please. He automatically becomes dependent on her. Note that this works with both the plus and minus signs. And when you praise a person and when you criticize, in both cases it elevates you above him. Of course, your partner is pleased when you use techniques with a plus sign. And some people make the mistake of using a lot of negative criticism. If you do this too often, you can push your partner away. It is most effective to use both techniques alternately, first then second, because it allows you to create an amplitude of emotions and get a person hooked on it.

Characteristic features of a dominant

Not all representatives of any social stratum possess high-quality, leadership character traits in a social group, since dominance implies the desire and ability to occupy a leading position in a certain group of society. But the desire to become a leader is not enough, since one needs the skills to become one and skills that allow one to maintain a dominant status. In order to gain a degree of dominance in a social group, you need to value yourself highly and, at the same time, force others to respect your aspirations and life position.

Dominants, regardless of gender, must have a whole set of qualities, both positive and negative, so that people can recognize them as a potential leader.

Positive character traits and behavior include the presence of:

Assertiveness;
Stubbornness;
Waywardness;
Independence;
Self-sufficiency;
Independence;
Ability to defend your point of view.

The list of negative qualities of leaders is slightly smaller and the main ones are:

Authoritarianism;
Aggressiveness;
Desire for worship and admiration;
Reluctance to submit to another system, laws, or authority.

The leaders of social units are often former rebels who achieved their level of power and leadership position by overthrowing previous leaders. And sometimes, not quite adequate people who are accustomed to making decisions in a strong emotional outburst can become leaders at different levels.

In the countries of the USA and Western Europe, dominance is identified as a positive quality. This is explained quite simply: it is better to be a leader than a helpful subordinate.

To achieve a dominant position in a relationship or social group, you should first of all use favorable moments of the environment, which encourages new achievements. The path to leadership achievements consists of five components:

Having high personal self-esteem;
Ability to manage your emotions;
Self-sufficiency;
Skillful construction of value judgments;
Having social status.

It should be noted that dominants have the ability to evaluate any situation from the position of reason, and not emotions or feelings.

Dominance in personal relationships

There are relatively standard examples of how dominant relationships are built between a man and a woman, since it is in a couple that the dominance-submission combination is quite clearly manifested.

Alpha + Alpha

At first, the relationship will be passionate and romantic, causing outright envy of others. But, with the passing of the first bright impressions, alas, the battle for leadership will begin. Such an alliance, with a sound approach and common commitments, can last quite a long time. But more often it falls apart.

Alpha + Beta

This symbiosis occurs quite often, being a union of two confident people. The beta type does not strive for leadership, while maintaining its independence in judgment. Such couples, based on mutual respect and trust, have existed for quite a long time.

Alpha + Omega

A mixture of dictate and submission, and sometimes sadism and masochism, is doomed to collapse due to the lack of mutual respect and interest in each other. Outbursts of passion and, sometimes even rage, eventually turn into boredom and monotony.

Beta + Beta

A fairly harmonious union based on partnership and mutual respect. Without open dominance and subservience. A sincere desire to make a healthy compromise, accepting the partner’s point of view and not insisting on one’s decision contributes to such relationships for a long and happy existence. The initial passion in such a couple smoothly turns into sincere and conflict-free friendship. This union is ideal and is an example for many couples.

Beta + Omega

A rather unstable connection between people who do not strive for either leadership or friendly partnership. Such families live by the principle: the day has passed - and okay. In such cases, the beta should either grow to leadership and take everything into his own hands, or “sink” to the level of omega. Changes towards increasing status are more optimistic for the continued existence of the couple.

Omega + Omega

This is where the “revelry” of despondency and loneliness is. Two partners completely devoid of the desire for initiative and self-development. “It’s all the same whether it’s will or whether it’s captivity.” Such unions, as a rule, are brought together by more proactive people from close circles, believing that the quiet Mana will be perfect for the boring Vanya. The daily life of carousel horses with unpretentious desires and actions becomes a trigger for further quiet hatred of themselves and each other. But even for a break, emotions, initiative and expression of will are needed, which are completely absent from the parties. Again, outside help, again, leads to a break in such a dull existence and, possibly, the creation of new, more promising alliances in terms of development.

Male dominance

Frankly speaking, a man’s dominance in a relationship, his dominance, is the most understandable, most common and correct position. Throughout the existence of civilization, in the upbringing of boys, in addition to studying various sciences and acquiring the necessary skills, great importance has been given to acquiring leadership qualities. With the simultaneous ability to bear responsibility for his decisions, which he made for the entire family.

This is a patriarchal, pragmatic and established model of the existence of the family as an important unit of society.

In the post-war period, when there was an acute shortage of physically capable men, women were forced to become the dominant part of society. But in our time, we still need to give the main positions to the stronger sex again.

How dominant men behave

Male representatives, due to their natural inability to veil their actions, are often too rude and straightforward when dominating. They almost always want complete submission and servility from a woman. They have the following behavior:

An alpha, successful in financial, physiological and social status, often chooses a girl who is not brilliant, but very attractive, as his life partner, becoming her friend, sexual partner and sponsor. Such dominant relationships between a man and a woman are very noticeable to others, since they are initially too pronounced in their classicism. A man, having got himself a Barbie, treats a girl like a doll who needs new outfits, houses and gifts. In return, complete and unquestioning submission is required. In everything.
There are hidden, domestic dominants who are accustomed to “putting on a mask” of integrity in public. At home, behind closed doors, they arrange scandals for their woman for the slightest real or imagined offense. They blackmail everyone - from deprivation of finances to complete rupture. Sometimes children are involved in a dispute, and their parents begin to “divide” them among themselves.
There are situations when the dominant in a relationship between a man and a woman grows out of a former beta or even, rarely, an omega. This happens with a sharp jump in male financial well-being, when the newly-minted nouveau riche overnight begins to consider himself the center of a small, family “universe,” demanding praise and worship.

The most correct form of male dominance is defined in Valentin Chernykh’s book “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears.” The hero said: “Remember, I will always decide everything myself on the simple basis that I am a man.” And let the whole world flourish or collapse, but a woman has reliable support in the form of a beloved and caring partner. Whether he is always right or wrong is not subject to discussion. After all, a wise companion will always find a “loophole”, through the heart or through the stomach, to get to the man’s brain in order to tactfully correct his behavior.

How to react if a woman dominates

There are women who sincerely believe that with a good wife, even a man can become a man. And then, from the first days of communication, she begins to literally creep out her chosen one, adjusting him to her internal standards by changing his hairstyle, manner of dressing and behavior in general. Like Papa Carlo, whittling out a male “blank” from the “blank” given to her – an ideal. The alpha male immediately sharply suppresses such attempts, defending his individuality. But simpler partners, especially those who are deeply in love with such a lady, obey almost immediately, turning into the anecdotal character of a typical henpecked man.

Subsequently, with the expansion of the family, the power of the wife, without weakening on the husband, extends to the children. Moreover, the moral and physical freedom of all subordinate members of this social unit is determined by the length of the “chain” allowed by the alpha woman. If she is smart, self-sufficient and has the common sense of initiative, then such unions are positive and can exist happily ever after. But in cases of open manifestation of despotism and waywardness, everyone in her family feels like servants, who are periodically sent to public execution, and at the last moment a manifesto for pardon is read out. Until tomorrow.

How men behave

For men, communicating with a strong, dominant woman can be interesting, but not easy. And here are several options for developing relationships.

A confident and self-sufficient man can occasionally allow a woman to show commanding qualities. Just not in public and within the bounds of reason. Or he once and for all gently, but categorically and categorically, stops these attempts.
A partner who is constantly told, like a dogma, “if it weren’t for you, we would be an ideal couple,” either one day, after prolonged humiliation, begins to defend his rights in a very harsh form, or silently leaves without a hearing. There is another option to try to “grow up” to the ideal invented by your partner, but this is difficult to do, because... The bar of requirements is constantly rising.
The husband, with the humility of a ram led to the slaughter, patiently endures all the instructions of his wife, which become more and more demanding and humiliating every year. When visiting, they show him which piece of chicken he is allowed to take from a common dish, when he is with neighbors, they check whether he is using the right screw to repair the fence, and when he is with children, they notice that he is wearing the wrong T-shirt. Long-suffering, in this case, can be explained either by moral blindness, due to great love, or by an absolute lack of self-respect. Such submissive men always live in this atmosphere, until one day an epiphany comes to them, revealing to him his true, insignificant position in the couple. And then - either an explosion of emotions and parting, or a continuation of the usual type of existence, at which everyone around them laughs so as not to cry.

There is an unusual version of mutual existence in which a man, smart and confident, initially demonstratively supports the thesis: “my wife has one dignity - that’s me,” and accepts himself in an eternally secondary role. He is, as a rule, intelligent and well-read, has a good character and is considered a good conversationalist. But not in front of his wife. In her presence, he behaves as quietly and unnoticeably as possible. This is a skillfully adaptable beta type who has transferred all responsibility for the existence of the family to his wife, skillfully “playing” the role of a weakling.

Block 4. Submission. Definition.

Submission is a set of interactive technologies that reflect a person’s readiness to carry out orders, instructions, assignments, and instructions from another person.

The demonstration of submission techniques does not clearly indicate that submission will actually be performed. Techniques are markers indicating submission, not characteristics of submission. At the same time, these markers are often correct for predicting a future situation in which the corresponding behavior scenarios of the type of submission will unfold.

What to do

Knowing the basic principles of dominance, you can successfully develop the missing good qualities in yourself and get rid of the unwanted ones. Because man is a rational and constantly developing being.

You can feel equally comfortable being a follower or a leader. And it doesn’t matter who is dominant in a relationship between a man and a woman, as long as it suits everyone in the couple. You don’t even need to start “pulling the blanket” over yourself, trying to defend your leadership position with foam at the mouth and stomping your feet. It is very easy to lose existing relationships, but whether it will be possible to create new ones is a big question.

Alexandra Marinina in her novel “Alien Mask” wrote: “When a weak man is next to you, there are two options: either leave him or pretend that he is strong.” You have to fight for your happiness. With yourself first. Fighting in different ways for supremacy is an empty and unnecessary exercise in which there are no winners. After all, the one who runs to the finish line first finds himself alone.

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Signs of a psychological tyrant.

Emotional or psychological abuse is difficult to identify. Unlike physical, it does not leave scars or bruises on the body. But it leaves invisible scars on the soul. Gaslighting, emotional blackmail, withholding - emotional abuse varies from harmless jokes to open humiliation and insult. If you don’t want to become a victim, learn to recognize it.

7 Signs of Emotional Abuse

Insult and excessive criticism: the aggressor partner argues for criticism solely with his own judgments and conclusions, contrary to the wishes of the partner.
Sneak rudeness: when your partner says nasty things in a casual voice or treats you like a clueless toddler.
Guilt manipulation: The abusive partner makes the other feel guilty, but never apologizes or admits the blame.
Isolation: when a subordinate is boycotted for the slightest disobedience, met with a straight face or given the cold shoulder.
Codependency: the personal boundaries of the subordinate partner are constantly violated, deprived of will and independence.
Bad Treatment: The aggressor displays bad attitude but claims that the partner has got it all wrong.
Gaslighting: the most destructive type of psychological aggression, when a person is convinced of his own insignificance.

Today, the term “prospecticide” is increasingly used - a type of psychological violence in which the aggressor partner changes the victim’s thinking and imposes his ideas, beliefs, and principles. But this is a stage that has long-term effects. Therefore, it is better to learn to resist violence at an early stage.

Take a self-confidence test

4 tips from psychologists for those who seek to resist emotional abuse

Think about the situation in a state of mental balance.
You should not solve the problem through bickering. Instead, you can use less conflicting options:
Speak for yourself instead of blaming others.
If you can’t tell, write a letter.
Ask a close friend for support, but don't choose mutual friends.
Contact a family counselor or psychotherapist.

Psychologists warn that we will have to prepare for resistance. Don't try to change your partner, rather work on yourself. If you couldn't fix the broken relationship, try to break the vicious circle and avoid mistakes in the future.