Signs of intimacy in a relationship
In fact, each couple has its own criteria for complete relationship. For some, declarations of love are enough. Some are glad that they have financial support from their spouse. And still others generally live by the principle “what happened is what I fell in love with.” However, psychologists identify several clear signs that can help you understand how close you are to your partner:
- Personal boundaries. You see these very boundaries well and do not invade each other’s personal space. In a normal relationship, partners do not become one. They still have their own goals and interests. In addition, you react calmly if your lover inadvertently interferes with your freedom. For example, you confidently explain that at the moment it is important for you to be alone. And he understands you. This is an emotional connection.
- Trust in a couple. Your loved one does not seek to control you, just like you do not control him. Neither you nor he has any desire to anger, offend, or tease. Even if something like this happens, you are able to admit guilt and learn from your behavior. However, remember that trust does not arise instantly. It develops gradually due to the fact that you talk with your chosen one, try to listen to him, and he to you. When you are not shy to share your experiences. This is how an emotional connection with a man is cemented.
- Reciprocity and support. If each spouse pulls the blanket on himself, then such a relationship is doomed to failure. In a harmonious union, people care about each other and want to make their partner happy. You are truly interested in the development of your spouse. But at the same time, you do not give all of yourself without reserve and exchange life-giving energy. And this is already an indicator of strong spiritual relationships.
- Tolerance for shortcomings. You do not idealize a man, you do not demand that he pull a star from the sky. You calmly accept your loved one for who he is. But the trouble with many spouses is that they are not ready to look for common ground. Only insults and manipulation are used: “You are like this/like this...”. Reluctance to put up with the shortcomings of another speaks of immaturity of feelings. Perhaps passion once flared up between you, and it seemed to you that physical attraction was enough for a relationship. But the passion subsided, and you were left alone with the “cockroaches” of your chosen one.
If the above signs are close to you, I can congratulate you. Most likely, you are on the right track. Next, I propose to understand in more detail the existing levels of intimacy between a man and a woman.
How the female orgasm is hidden
The peculiarities of feeling this small, trembling happiness are different for everyone. Take orgasm: men almost always experience it. We know about the feminine that it exists. Perhaps the female orgasm is an evolutionary relic, evolved to trigger ovulation, like in rabbits, or to form strong oxytocin bonds with a partner. But so far no convincing evolutionary cause-and-effect relationship has been found.
To study the characteristics of citizens' sex, Finland regularly conducts a National Sex Survey and then analyzes the results. Despite gender equality and sex enlightenment, female orgasms have become fewer, not more, since 1971. Time steals Finnish orgasms!
Now let’s see if it’s possible to ensure a stable orgasm using external factors.
The female orgasm does not depend on education. On income level. From the ability to fall in love and have relationships. From how many men she has already had (she won’t tell you about this). It also doesn’t depend on masturbation skills.
It has a little to do with genes: women who experienced their first orgasm early and are not particularly keen on masturbation achieve it more easily and more often. Associated with who is nearby: it statistically happens more often if a woman has a regular sexual partner. If this partner is not a log. If you can talk to him about sex.
If a woman believes that her pleasure is important and that she is good in bed, she will have more orgasms.
Yes, and one more thing: those who believe in God end up more often than agnostics. I don’t know what to think about this, but just in case – thank you, Lord!
Physical level of intimacy
So, this is the most “quickly erected” level. Agree, the first five minutes of meeting a man, you notice how he looks, does he behave repulsively? All this forms the basis of physical interest.
It is clear that you are not yet ready to share a bed with this person, but you have already formed a general idea. As sympathy grows, you allow touching, hugging, kissing. Ideally, the need for tactile sensations should persist at all levels of the relationship between a man and a woman.
Physical intimacy is what gives energy to spouses throughout many years of marriage. This is when you subtly feel your partner and know how to please him. And he understands in the same way what his woman likes.
Lost in translation: what is sex and what is happiness?
Defining exactly what is and isn't sex is difficult. Everyone has their own: only for love; any interaction with another person; everything that ended in orgasm. You can call sex any meat that “meets” meat: fingers in the ass, squeezing in the kitchen while everyone is gone to smoke; you can - only erotic experiences that you remember well (and still voluntarily allow them to torment you).
Sexual intercourse, lovemaking, copulation, coitus, copulation, carnal embrace - we have many words for sex, but for happiness there is only one.
But it is easier to define. According to Aristotle, this is pleasure (hedonia) or a feeling of full existence (eudaimonia). In other words, orgasm or satisfaction with one’s life, the sum of dreams come true.
Measuring joy that lasts is difficult. In psychological studies, participants look at themselves as if from afar, from a high hill, and themselves assess their own level of happiness, and the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire and the Cantril Ladder help them in this. It is happiness that a person seeks, he takes health, wealth or sex for it, but it goes back and forth, looks from behind the fence and does not come into his hands.
Emotional level of intimacy
What is emotional intimacy? When in your relationship there is always room for mutual understanding, respect and acceptance. The strongest marriages rest on these “three pillars.” Unfortunately, over the years, a strong connection can weaken. The reason for this is various tests. Be it the birth of a child, financial crises, long separation.
Those who initially did not show empathy towards each other do not cope with difficulties. They shift the blame onto their spouse, argue, and swear. Instead of directing energy to creation, they destroy everything good that was.
The emotional connection between a man and a woman grows stronger when both are ready for dialogue. When they calmly sit down and solve problems that have arisen.
What kind of sex makes a person happy?
Our life is extended in time, and along with it the feeling of happiness is extended. Long-term happiness is no longer spoken of as “feeling happiness,” but as “being happy.” To be happy for a long time, lastingly, is not to feel every second that light is pouring out of you, that the earth is breathing with you, and other ecstasy. It’s just that “everything is fine”: I breathe, I go to work, I have sexual intercourse - complete success.
Scientists are more likely to study the happiness of sex in romantic relationships or marriages than the sexual adventures of single people. Probably, if sex is here and there - wherever you snatch it, it is more difficult to detect it using laboratory methods.
A classic 1938 study examining the psychological factors behind marital happiness reported that happiness was associated with satisfaction from sexual intercourse and (predictably!) the frequency of female orgasm.
Multiple orgasms, the duration of sex and its frequency will not affect the level of satisfaction with life. A marriage becomes unhappy because someone complains about sex, often refuses it or dreams of going to the left, and also because of the difference in sexual temperaments between husband and wife.
Further research has shown that marital happiness correlates with greater choice of sexual positions, spontaneous sex, kissing during foreplay, and less frequent refusal of sex. Simply put, people like things to be varied, fun, and not rejected. Happy wives fantasize less about other men and do not want to turn into another, sexier woman. They like to be here and now, this person in this love.
The frequency of sex in a relationship is generally associated with feelings of satisfaction with life, but this does not mean that people should necessarily mate more often. Each couple finds its own rhythm of sexual relations (and complains about it when drunk), the violation of which can negatively affect the mental state of both partners.
For the sake of science, participants in one study were asked to get hot and double their usual amount of coitus for three months. Couples from the control group copulated as much as they wanted. It turned out that the experimental group, which had sex more often, had consistently lower moods than the control group!
The US National Bureau of Economic Research analyzed the sexual activity of 16 thousand American adults and found that:
1. People who have sex in their lives are happier than those who don’t. Regardless of orientation. 2. People who have had one partner in the past year are most satisfied. 3. High income does not promise more sex or sexual partners. Ha! 4. Those who have ever paid for sex or cheated in marriage are noticeably more unhappy.
A more recent study of Chinese respondents adds a new finding:
5. Unwanted sex does not make either men or women happier.
“Statistical data should be interpreted with caution,” warns the National Bureau of Economic Research, and we interpret with caution. A huge sample of data will not reveal the secret to you and will not tell you what will make everyone happy. In statistics you won’t see the intimate, the things that turn sex into joy: kinks and funny incidents, kisses on the neck, the sound of a jeans belt falling to the floor, orgy etiquette, a truck driver’s passion for a balloon, love and the memory of love.
Spiritual level of intimacy
This is the highest level of relationship. If you have achieved it, it means that all other stages have been completed successfully. You feel good sexually, you subtly feel your partner’s desires. Listen with interest to what your lover says, support him in all matters. And you are not afraid that your idyll will be disrupted by any difficulties, because you know that you can always rely on your companion. Just like he is on you.
Figuratively speaking, it's like being married to a friend. You are sure that you can trust him as you trust yourself. The basis of such relationships is devotion. On your part, the chosen one feels care and gratitude. You feed him with your energy, and he is ready to try for you. In this case, the spiritual connection between a man and a woman is so strong that it seems as if the possibilities of each partner are limitless.
Do you want to reach this level of relationship? I hasten to please you - this is quite real. Yes, you have to try and show your best qualities. How to do this competently, without resorting to any manipulation? I talk about this at the course “The Art of Female Flirting,” organized by the Pavel Rakov Training Center. In the meantime, you can start with the brief recommendations that I give in the “Love and Sex” section.
Girls, share your experience. Have you managed to build a relationship that is ideal on all levels?
Why we like sex
If we consider sex as the road to happiness, then it is, of course, a bit short: arousal - plateau - orgasm - recovery. It's not fair that anticipation lasts longer.
Sex brings a little happiness. Light bulbs light up in my brain one after another:
- limbic system (I love you, I will not forget you);
- hypothalamus (I answer you, I touch you).
Lights go out:
- amygdala (I'm not afraid anymore);
- orbitofrontal cortex (I won't change my mind, I won't stop).
Stand out:
- dopamine;
- serotonin;
- prolactin;
- oxytocin (especially important, it often leads to attachment and love that will end).
Psychological trauma
Often, people who have suffered psychological trauma due to intimacy are afraid of physical intimacy and, on a subconscious level, are wary of sex. This unconscious action discourages the desire for physical intimacy and leads to partial or complete renunciation of intimate pleasures. Violence, taunting, ridicule, humiliation and physical/psychological abuse are mostly to blame. Similar psychological behavior among girls is observed among those who have become victims of male violence, and among boys after an unsuccessful sexual experience with a partner. Girls are afraid of repetition of violence and therefore, being wary of the past, keep their distance, even with a loved one. The man on the contrary cannot have sex, because due to an evil word or ridicule from a not-so-nice girl, he loses his masculine strength and, due to psychological factors, becomes “healthy” impotent. That is, the body and all processes work like a clock, but the corresponding reaction from arousal to the start of sexual intercourse does not occur.
Taking into account all the nuances and possible consequences for psychological reasons, the only correct and sure way to overcome the problem is to consult a psychologist and undergo a course of psychotherapy, working through all the fears, phobias and horrors experienced. Such serious problems do not go away on their own; it requires work with the subconscious and the right synergetic message. We have been working with such issues for a long time and successfully treating them. Contact us and we will help you get back to normal.
Tags: Love without sex, psychology of relationships
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Secrets of bad sex
Nobody wants to study bad sex. Even me. Seriously, it's better to remember good sex than suffer through bad sex.
Defining what “bad sex” is is also difficult: we may even want what we don’t like. Desire and awareness of desire are not as closely related as we hope (perhaps this goes some way to explaining the eroticization of pain experienced during anal sex).
But yes, sex can be unhappy. It has its own laws, which, if you think ahead, you can guess, not break, and not be held liable for violation.
Law One: Sex is difficult to understand. People are more complex than washing machines, so they can have several programs running at the same time. Take the “one-night stand”: students were surveyed to determine their levels of loneliness and depression, and surveyed again a semester later. Depressed singles who managed to pick up someone in four months felt better. Those who were more balanced, on the contrary, for some reason developed symptoms of depression after casual sex.
Another study showed that 65% of respondents were worried and trembling during casual sexual intercourse, and only 27% were happy after. The majority - 35% - were completely disappointed or regretful.
Law two: dissatisfaction with yourself can ruin sex. Women whose self-esteem depends on their appearance are less sexually satisfied and more shy. Here it is interesting to remember the Canadian psychologist Laurie Brotto and her program for women who complain of decreased libido. One of the steps of the program is meditation: the ability to return to the “here and now.” In short, you need to think about sex, not about yourself.
Law Three: Orgasm means nothing. Sex you don't want to remember may very well end in orgasm. The aftertaste depends on the circumstances. Those who had forced sex, or gave in reluctantly, or felt that they had to come, or experienced any other conflict, felt that the orgasm was more likely to hurt them. It was “empty”, “mechanical”, “weak” - in a word, a candy wrapper instead of the candy itself. Yes, internal conflicts do not diversify sex, and the destruction of one’s own principles will not increase the number of shudders.
Intimacy as openness on the part of a woman
The next most important aspect of emotional intimacy is openness on the part of the woman.
.
I won’t even tell you how much we don’t clearly understand what openness is. I’ll tell you right away how men perceive what openness on the part of a woman
. This is when a woman explains to a man in clear language what she wants, what she needs in order to become happy and content.
Honestly, ladies, one of the biggest fears of men is that they don’t understand us
do not make their life any easier
with our hints, some strange wishes, some comparative images and other florid, sophisticated things .
A man needs to understand what exactly we want. And when he understands exactly what we want, then he can fulfill our desires. And since 90% of women sincerely believe that men cannot honestly say what you think you want
, it turns out that no matter what he tries to do, he will always be at fault, because you are, by and large, a closed, mysterious book that needs to be read.
Physical disability, injury
Sometimes a person suffers a serious illness or injury that prevents him from having sexual relations anymore. However, his partner still continues to love and care for him, even despite their lack of intimacy. There are even relationships so strong that a healthy spouse, even under all circumstances, is not capable of divorce and betrayal. In this case, questions do not even arise in his head about what to choose - one-time sex without obligations or love with a person close and dear to him.
Why do you feel sad and lonely after sex?
The ancient Roman physician Galen is credited with the expression “After intercourse, every animal is sad, except the rooster and the woman.” The emperor's doctor was wrong: this sadness does not bypass either men or women. Let us rephrase: after intercourse, the animal may become sad.
Negative postcoital emotions (NPE), or postcoital melancholia (PCD), affect approximately 40% of people at least once. This melancholy can be hidden by turning your face away in the dark. You can generously share your sadness with your partner. Science does not yet know how it chooses a victim and why it touches someone with its cool palm.
Scientists have identified three types of postcoital melancholy:
1. Your partner is more distant than you would like. 2. Your partner is closer than you would like, but you can’t pull away. 3. You worry about what people think about you.
The first type is more typical for women, the second - for men. The third—anxiety for one’s reputation—is universal.
It would be nice if no one regrets anything... but it doesn’t work that way. Let us remember again the first law of sex: everything is complex, gloomy, unclear - as if you are bending over dark water and listening to its promises and threats, and you really want to jump, no matter what.
Men's freedom and its sense of sensation
The second important component of emotional intimacy is a feeling of freedom.
.
I have written an endless number of articles about the feeling of freedom in relationships among men. But, unfortunately, I can’t always convey to you, young ladies, the essence of what men perceive as freedom
.
For some reason, many women, having heard about this from me, begin to argue with me and say: “Yeah, give him freedom, and he will rush to irrigate fields, farms and other women with his own sperm.”
For some reason, women sincerely believe that freedom equals permissiveness
.
My dear, this is absolutely not true. Freedom and permissiveness are completely different things
. What is freedom in a man's understanding? Freedom in a man's understanding is doing what he likes.
Believe me, a man's world is much more complicated.
, than ours, female. In their male world, mostly men never do things that simply give them pleasure. That is, all sorts of strange hobbies, some of their attachments, some of their interesting things. Some people like to strum the guitar, some like to sit in the garage, some like fishing, some like hunting.
Look for yourself, women, with what claws and teeth they bite into their hobbies or their passions every time. Because it is precisely doing what gives them pleasure that is freedom for men. Because the rest of a man’s life is “ you have to
" and "
you must
".
Not only are you eating his brain
, believe me,
he himself knows what he should and what he is obliged to do
. It always sits in his head and knocks his head off.
Therefore, if you want a man to feel free next to you, then never cut off for him those actions that give him pleasure.
