How to resist stress – even in difficult times

There have been plenty of stressful situations in recent months - we were worried about our health, work, children, restrictions... Why did some suffer more, while for others, little seemed to have changed in their lives? What does our reaction to stress depend on – and is it possible for a person to change it?

Let's ask ourselves a question: what causes a person to experience negative mental (emotional) states? What makes us afraid, angry, anxious, irritated, guilty and ashamed, angry, remorseful, or any other negative emotion? What is the cause of all these conditions, which in everyday life are often called in one word - stress?

Yes, there is physiological (biological) and psychological stress. Let me give you a simple example. Biological stress is the physiological tension that a person will experience if you pour cold water on them on a hot day. What will happen? The head will be pulled into the shoulders, the face will wrinkle, trembling will go through the body, and vascular spasm will occur. These physiological reactions will manifest themselves in the vast majority of people in a given situation.

But psychologically , people will react differently to what will happen to them. Most likely, the majority will be dissatisfied with this event, will begin to complain, be indignant: “Oh-oh! Stop it immediately, I feel bad!” And someone will react joyfully: “Hey, hey! Let's! Hooray!". Obviously, the former can reach the point of emotional overload and stress, while the latter cannot. Although their physiological reaction will be the same.

We are, of course, interested in psychological stress, not biological. Therefore, in the future, by the word “stress” we will mean exclusively emotional stress of high intensity.

The most stressful life events, table

There are quite a few definitions of stress, but we will take the one that is most understandable to a wide range of readers. So, stress (from the English stress - load, tension; a state of increased tension) is a state of excessively strong and prolonged psychological stress that occurs in a person when his nervous system receives emotional overload. Stress disorganizes a person’s activity and disrupts the normal course of his behavior1.

What is the cause of stress (emotional tension) from the point of view of modern scientific psychological thought? What causes people stress? According to many researchers (fortunately, not all, and why fortunately - read on), the cause of stress is the so-called stress factors, or stressors, that is, events and situations.

A huge number of classifications of stress factors have been created, which even provide an assessment of the intensity of stress. I will give only one of them. This scale was created by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Ray based on a survey of more than 400 men and women of different ages, with different education, marital status and from different cultures. They were asked to rate their level of stress when each of these events occurred.

It's impossible to be calm without it

Look, if you take any non-standard situation of a person where he feels insecure, do you know what can save him? Humor and self-irony. I believe this is the most important key that will allow you to be calm, at least in most non-standard situations that you manage to find yourself in.

What does humor mean? Well, for example, you are standing to defend your thesis in front of an audience and a commission or in another public place. You are very worried and it is normal to worry. And imagine that you ironically tell a joke about your anxiety and thereby defuse the situation not only around you, but also within yourself.

“The voiced jamb is not a jamb.” What does this phrase mean? The fact is that if you voiced your problem and showed other people that you are aware of it, then it is no longer a problem, but a small problem. \

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An example from my life:

When I was young, I met a girl, invited her to a cafe, we sat and talked, but suddenly she suddenly stood up and left. To be honest, I was a little freaked out, my pride and self-esteem were below not only the baseboard, but also the floor itself.

Still, I became bolder and asked her a question: why did she leave? To which I received the answer that my ear was dirty and that meant I was dirty and not washed.

And you know, what’s interesting is that I’m not a dirty person, but at that time my ears often hurt and I couldn’t clean them with cotton swabs, I could only use my fingers, but it wasn’t thick enough.

So, the girl thought that I was all so terrible and disgusting, but in fact, it turned out that it was just my illness at that time. Of course, I told her about my otitis media, but she still apologized. But we never saw her again.

What was done after?

I met another girl and went to meet her, but before I met, I told her that I had otitis media and if my ear was dirty, I shouldn’t worry. The girl, accordingly, took it normally and there was a happy ending, a wedding and three children. NO, I lied, we just talked, met and ran away.

Why do people experience stress differently?

There are many other scales and classifications that can be cited, with only one big and bold “but”. The approach on which this study was conducted is fundamentally flawed . In fact, researchers and scientists who say that stress (emotional tension) is a consequence of events and situations are wrong! Let me explain my point.

Let's take any situation, even the most stressful: the death of a person. And we will find out that, it turns out, there are people on earth who rejoice at the death of their beloved relatives. These people were brought up in other cultural and philosophical-religious traditions. For example, it is known for sure that Buddhists view death differently than Europeans. This is not about the emotional state of a person, but about the intensity of the manifestation of this experience.

Again. It is important. We analyze not different, but identical situations. For example, we do not consider the death of a rich relative who left an inheritance, and the death of a poor relative who left only debts. And it turns out that in absolutely the same situation people can have very different emotional reactions:

• Some people will indulge in grief all their lives. This will deprive them of the strength and opportunity to create something valuable. It is precisely such people, having lost a loved one, who become drunkards or die;
• others will grieve, but it will not deprive them of life itself. After some time, they will recover from grief and move on;
• still others will smile sincerely, beat the drums and dance around the fires, rejoicing that their loved one has finally left this world and is now in a place where he is incomparably better.

We can take a situation that is less traumatic for a person raised in our culture, for example, a traffic jam. And we will also see different psychological reactions. For one person, traffic jams will be a strong stress factor, but for another it will not be at all, although they are both late for work and their bosses are angry. One will arrive exhausted and devastated, and the second will be in quite a resourceful state.

We can continue to give examples where, in very similar life situations, people experience mental states that are different in intensity and sometimes in sign. This means that not everyone will experience stress equally.

How to stop being nervous and become calm

For some people, the question of how to stop being nervous and worried is the most pressing in their life; usually for such individuals, all matters are important and urgent, the future is filled with worries because it is unknown, and there is not enough time in the present. Constant worry does not provide an opportunity for relaxation, because when one problem is solved, another is immediately discovered, and the quiet corners where no one gets on your nerves are over.

This is long and hard work, by definition, with its own system of priority goals in order to solve problems that are important now (i.e. if the cutlets are burnt, then focus on saving leftover meat and ventilating the kitchen, and not on the quarterly report, nerves about which and led to burnt cutlets). Rumination about the past should also not take up much time, especially negative experiences where you replay the conversation and select new answers, if these are situations where you continue to be nervous about your reputation - all this unwinds the nervous system, leading to its instability. At the same time, you cannot change these events, but you will still have time to harm what is happening in the present moment with your semi-absent state and bad mood, triggering reasons for worries in a circle. So conscious presence in the present moment of your life is the key to adequate perception and a full feeling of life, removing unnecessary empty experiences regarding unchangeable things or possible but not happened events.

To figure out how to stop being nervous and worried, you need to understand the mechanism by which such a worldview arises. Usually behind increased nervousness is a person’s habit of inflating his negative emotional state and exaggerating the significance of minor troubles. To become calmer, you will have to not just swallow tranquilizers, but carry out serious intrapersonal transformations, requiring both external lifestyle changes and internal ones, affecting the motivational sphere and the ability to concentrate and determine what is important.

For peace of mind, it is necessary to eliminate the causes of anxiety, and they cannot always be expressed by external factors in the form of annoying neighbors or constant incidents at work, since this happens in everyone’s life. Rather, we are talking about the presence of internal factors that contribute to the perception of the situation overly emotionally, giving it excessive significance and not letting go over time. Among the qualities that contribute to the development of nervousness is egocentrism, which, on the one hand, implies the importance of only one’s own opinion, and it would seem that it should free a person from worries, but everything turns out to be the opposite, since one’s own importance is too high and requires constant feeding and admiration of the outside world. A self-centered person is not sensitive to the needs of others, but is extremely vulnerable to criticism of himself; add increased attention to the reactions of others and we get manic fixation, which can cause serious worries due to the sidelong glance of an unfamiliar passerby.

The need to always be on top gives rise to a constantly elevated level of anxiety and tension, which leads to irritation over the smallest reasons and an overly sensitive attitude even to those moments that would not bother an ordinary person, such as the rudeness of a salesman or an insult from a drunk. Somewhere next to egocentrism lies the need for constant pleasure and pleasure, while everyday affairs, work, obstacles to pleasure cause excessive irritation, and a person does not calm down until he reaches the desired nirvana. The aspiration is good and characteristic of absolutely all people, but it is a priori unattainable, because life is not a beautiful picture of the Garden of Eden and also consists of necessity and pain, of the need to endure and postpone one’s pleasure. If you do not learn such qualities, then the world can seem very cruel and cause a lot of resistance - reactions quite similar to adolescence, when the universe stops revolving around one's desires, but forces him to earn what he wants.

If the first two reasons are the product of an infantile personal organization, then among the characteristics of a more mature structure that interferes with living in peace, perfectionism and independence are the leading ones. Perfectionism forces a person to strive for the impossible, bringing every detail to perfection (this is how not only leaves but also dust can be swept out of the yard, a sweater can be re-knitted a dozen times, and a table for passing a diploma can be measured to the nearest millimeter). In addition, such exactingness is distributed not only to one’s own life, but also to the actions of others, causing a lot of irritation.

The requirement for perfection in everything gives rise to a lot of reasons for worries that are groundless and do not lead to results, so lowering demands and increasing the ability to enjoy what is happening and the imperfect world can bring more peace to the life of a perfectionist. Independence, as a factor that causes nervous feelings, manifests itself in its extreme forms, when a person cannot delegate responsibilities and pulls everything on himself. From such a state of overload, even little things begin to irritate, and envy of freer friends will fuel a negative attitude towards others and the desire to prove one’s toughness by overcoming everything on one’s own.

The second manifestation of independence, as a factor that disturbs inner peace, is the independence of the opinion and structure of one’s personality and life from social norms; in such cases, a nervous reaction will be caused by any collision with rules that cannot be explained logically (for example, why it is necessary to come to work at eight and sit until five, if you can show up at ten and leave at four, having completed the same volume, but with better quality due to better health). Such people need to either develop their own system of life, going into private practice and freelancing, surrounding themselves with like-minded people, or try to find the advantages of the established system, which still cannot be broken.

Trying to do everything as quickly as possible, to resolve all tasks in one day is commendable, but encounters many obstacles in the form of the leisurely participation of the people involved, closed doors of the necessary structures and slowly moving escalator stairs. If your speed is higher than those around you, then you can be nervous while you are rushing them indefinitely; it is better to try to do other things while you wait: if you are sitting in a queue, then instead of crazy and nervous comments towards the recipient, you can do your mail, watch a training video or write the necessary article. Keep track of the time you are nervous, because in fact you cannot change the situation and use it in another useful way.

The cause of stress is within a person

From this we can conclude that the cause of stress is not a situation or event, but something that is hidden inside a person! And many scientists agree with our conclusions.

For example, American specialists J. S. Everly and Robert Rosenfeld published the book “Stress: Nature and Treatment” in 1985. Its main idea is that not all events and phenomena (external or internal) become stressors, that is, they perform a stress-generating function. If the stimulus is not interpreted by a particular person as a threat or something that has a negative consequence, then the stress reaction does not occur at all! Thus, most of the stress reactions people experience are actually self-created, according to Everly and Rosenfeld! I specifically highlighted the word interpreted, for which in Russian there is a good synonym interpreted.

Long before Everly and Rosenfeld, in 1966, American psychiatrist Richard Lazarus published the book Psychological Stress and Coping Process, which conveys the opinion that the occurrence of psychological stress and its intensity depend on the personal characteristics of a particular individual. This approach is called Lazarus' cognitive theory of stress. A very bright and helpful theory, which for some reason is almost never used by psychotherapists...

And since we now know that people experience states of different intensity and sign during the same events and situations, it is important to find an answer to the question of what is the difference between these people. By answering this question, we can try to change within ourselves what is the true cause of stress, automatically receiving as a result a resource that was previously spent on negative states.

How to stop being nervous over trifles

You can't do without worries. They make us alive, show the significance of not only positive events, but also indicate problems, perform all sorts of useful functions, but it’s worth thinking about how to stop being nervous about every reason that is not significant, making you a neurasthenic. Ignoring such a state, suppressing attacks of irritation or waiting for a better period to come, if it happens for a long time, then negative consequences will appear in the form of accumulation and growth of tension to a state where it is ready to splash out at the slightest provocation in an inappropriately destructive manifestation. It’s great if you can find useful moments even in nasty things and turn minor troubles into positive signs (for example, if you are stuck in an elevator, you can rejoice at the good reason to be late for work and take a nap while you are freed from metal captivity). The ability to see the positive comes from the ability to accept both good personal qualities and events, as well as bad ones. And the desire to display only approved traits and adjust everything that happens to the ideal option often forces one to concentrate on the negative. If it is critically important for you that everything goes perfectly, then you will control the course of all events and especially opportunities not according to the script, the number of things requiring your participation, experience and control will increase. This all resembles a self-fulfilling prophecy, because worrying about the ideality of what is happening, you overload yourself with responsibility and nervousness so much that the chances of making a mistake increase.

Try to relax and be able to accept imperfections. Both in the manifestation of your individuality and in the world, such an attitude relieves you of unnecessary tension and worries, and automatically improves the situation, and even if it does not improve, it does not destroy your mood and health. In the end, it is much more important to remain calm than to have bows tied in the same way, to adhere to time frames down to the second and to keep the appearance in line with the latest trends in Milan.

Nerves for minor reasons reveal problems in mood lability and stability of the nervous system, and if you do not work to improve its condition, then you can remove irritating factors ad infinitum, but this still will not help stabilize the emotional background, since the problem is located inside the body. To reduce the load on the central nervous system, it is worth temporarily eliminating or maximally reducing the consumption of substances that have a stimulating effect on it (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, drugs, some hormones); instead, it is worth introducing into the diet a greater intake of B vitamins, which are responsible for the good functioning of neural systems. connections and conduction of nerve pathways. During periods of nervous overstrain and stress, you should definitely support your central nervous system with the help of appropriate vitamin complexes or herbal decoctions. Ensure yourself a productive and useful rest not only during the vacation period. Let there be one day a week completely free from work issues, you can even turn off your phone so that they cannot find you and pull you out, putting pressure on your sense of responsibility. Quality sleep is the basis for restoring neural pathways, and switching activities promotes real rest.

If you spent the whole day looking at the monitor, came home and stared at the tablet, this will not reboot your nerves; you’d better take a walk or go to the gym. If your work involves physical activity, then on the contrary, it is better to spend the evening at the cinema, reading a book or quietly communicating with your family. Follow a daily routine so that your psyche is prepared for the fact that at a certain period it will have to work at full capacity, but then within the designated period it will get its rest - unsystematic behavior leads to disruption and destabilization of the psyche.

If you notice that having adjusted your own life, providing your nervous system with decent conditions, nothing has changed in your nervousness, then contact a psychologist who may determine the development of neurosis (which happens if you pretend for a long time that everything is normal) or help identify the true cause problems (perhaps you are depressed by your relationship with your spouse, then no matter how much you take vitamin complexes, his presence will irritate and provoke disruptions in the functioning of the nervous system and only termination or restructuring of the relationship will help).

Why do people react differently to the same stressful situation?

In order to answer this question, I propose to introduce another model, according to which a person’s life is a journey, and the person himself is a traveler.

This traveler is each of us. We go through life, choosing a goal and moving towards it. The goal may be hundreds or thousands of kilometers away, but we are still trying to go our way, overcoming all obstacles, and get what we want.

Tell me, how exactly does a human traveler know that somewhere there is something that he can achieve?

Suppose a person wants to go to Brazil for a carnival, but at the same time he lives in a town forgotten by everyone. None of his friends had ever been to Brazil. He himself had never been there either. How does he know about the existence of Brazil? The answer is quite simple: he watched the carnival on TV, read a book about this country or saw it on the map.

So, society tells us about possible goals, we receive certain knowledge about the world from society. From parents, school teachers, friends, directors, writers, bloggers and so on. And this knowledge about the world, within the framework of the model we are talking about, will be called the word map.

That is, a person is a traveler exploring the real world. But in his head he has a map where this world is depicted. A map is an idea of ​​the world in which each of us moves and lives, or, if you like, a worldview (view of the world) given to us by the society that surrounds us.

Not all of the information on the map was created by us ourselves. Most of it has not been personally verified by us. But often we believe in it as an inviolable dogma, because we are used to thinking so. Because in childhood we were told something by people whom we trusted 100 percent - our emotional authorities (moms and dads and other loved ones).

So, on maps we mark our goals and plot routes. And we travel (live) in the real world. And now, attention, we are exploring the question: what is so different on the cards that people, finding themselves in the same life situation, react to it differently?

So what can we do about this?

First of all, take a deep breath... You cannot control other people's behavior. You can't even control everything that happens to you. But you can always control how you react to all of this. In your reactions lies your power and your control.

So when you feel like the world around you is making you crazy and you're about to explode, the first thing to do is take a deep breath. Deep, steady breathing relieves tension, eases our instinctive reactions to stimuli, and helps us calm our irritated minds, allowing us to choose a more thoughtful and constructive response in almost any situation.

So, when another driver cuts you off on the road once again, instead of immediately starting to yell, throwing your last words at him (which he may not even hear), try taking a deep breath and exhale... inhale and exhale - and so on until you calm down. A survey we conducted of 1,200 new students enrolled in our course found that minor road accidents were the most common occurrence of overreactions to minor stimuli. Just imagine how much more pleasant our city driving would be if all drivers at least tried to take a deep breath and calm down before making rude gestures or hurling obscenities at each other.

Yes, when we don’t get what we expected from other people, especially if they behave rudely and irrationally, it really infuriates us, and that’s a fact. But trying to change what we can't change, trying to force other people to behave exactly the way we want them to... they just don't work. What remains for us? We are left with an alternative to this behavior that is almost unthinkable for most people: breathe calmly and evenly, lead people by example, and accept them for who they are, even when they infuriate us.

This is the way of action and existence that I have been cultivating in myself for a long time, and I advise everyone else, because I believe that I should:

• Monitor your breathing, breathe deeply and deeply.
• Remember that I cannot control other people's behavior.
• Remind yourself often that other people can live the way they want.
• Remember that I should not take their actions to heart.
• Seeing the good in them even when I don’t feel like it.
• Give up ideas and expectations about others that cause unnecessary irritation, quarrels and outbursts of anger.
• Remember that when other people behave in ways that I consider unworthy, it is often because they have a lot of problems to deal with that I have no idea about. And instead of growling at them, it is better to give them empathy, love, and give them space so that they can spread their wings.

It took time and many attempts to align my life with these principles, but the end result was more than worth it. I became much less irritable, my relationships with other people improved significantly, I got rid of most of the stress, and all this allowed me to make the world around me a little calmer, a little kinder... a little better. And I hope you will join me in this world.

Loud silence

Two companies - customer and supplier - were negotiating possible cooperation. The director of the customer company continually provoked the supplier with harsh, even boorish statements, forcing him to defend himself. And then he interrupted with the phrase: “Do you negotiate in such an aggressive manner all the time?”

The first reaction is to start making excuses or attack in response. One can only sympathize with the supplier who faltered, began to ask for forgiveness and assure that he respected the interlocutor - and thereby accepted the opponent’s game, ultimately giving away discounts and bonuses. Such provocation is not uncommon in personal relationships, and is especially common on the Internet. I regularly see comments like this under my videos and posts:

• Have you even declared yourself an expert?

• How naive, where did you get it?

• I made it through the entire video. Now I know why he is bullied in the company.

• You think you're an expert on conversations, but you're not.

And these are only the most censored statements.

Of course, they offend me, I want to respond to the troll. But... Think for yourself, what will this lead to? You just feed him, and the troll will poison his victim - that is, you - with even greater strength and energy. In Chapter 9, on gaslighting, we will examine completely sadistic manipulations.

Schoolchildren encounter similar behavior when communicating with peers, and adults have plenty of similar cases in their personal lives.

Let’s figure out how to react correctly—and you need to react.

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I recommend keeping silent out loud, that is, looking intently into the person’s eyes and mentally (!) saying: “I understand what you mean.” Don't say anything out loud. Neither in person nor online. I will immediately answer those who object that such behavior will be considered weakness. “To remain silent loudly” does not mean to retreat with your eyes downcast. We keep our gaze and calmly leave. And online we simply don’t respond to provocative comments—and don’t listen to experts who suggest engaging in dialogue to increase your reach. No. You can't do that. And explain to the children that any answer in this case is a victory for the attacker. No reaction - no food for further trolling. I also recommend blocking such commentators if they cause inconvenience.

Remember, it is not the one who has the last word who is right, but the one who reacts correctly and does not get drawn into meaningless ping-pong. By using this trick, you will even show the person without words that you see right through him and know why he is doing this. If the manipulator tries to attack again, you can use the second method - say directly who he is. You explain that from the first time you understood his strategy - to hurt you and bring you to the emotional level. This is a good technique and usually works in tandem with the first one.

Let me give you an example. Once I was negotiating on the side of the bank, the issue concerned the collection of debts. From our opponent’s side came an authoritative and adult man holding a major position. He constantly tried to hook me, throwing phrases: “Who are you anyway? Are you writing smart books? When this happened the first time, I looked at him and remained silent. But when he did it again, I asked: “Why did you repeat this phrase a second time? I already understood that you are trying to manipulate me, so please, stick to a businesslike tone of communication.” Thanks to the fact that I put the person in his place, the negotiations went as expected. The two methods are best used in pairs, as a single technique.

And I would also recommend that the supplier, who was pressed by the customer in the example above, initially remain silent out loud, and respond to a repeated injection with one of these phrases.

A way to make everything around you friendly

The method is quite simple, but it needs to be trained constantly. Look, you are in some environment where you feel unconfident, uncomfortable, out of place, afraid that you will be judged or laughed at.

Imagine that a clean, light, sparkling, golden stream of energy begins to flow from your chest area. And start filling everyone with this energy. You will immediately understand that you are doing the right thing, as soon as you feel the warmth from other people, you will feel comfortable and cozy.

conclusions

Never try to be calm and confident in any situation, it won't work. We are all human and we all have feelings. Moreover, our anxiety is a defensive reaction that was formed by evolution long before the appearance of the first homosapiens.

Be calm about everything that people surround you with and remember that it is not people who treat you badly, it is inside you that there is a part of your personality that thinks that people treat you badly and you will find confirmation of this over time.

Simply put, everything that happens in our world is our responsibility. Accordingly, any part of our personality can be worked on so that it stops harming us and only brings us benefit.

Phrases that will help you

{ "id": "bx7ewgZejq", "type": "checklist", "data": { "items": [ { "text": "Why did you repeat this phrase a second time", "checked": false } ] } }

{ "id": "OCiDxwFnK9", "type": "checklist", "data": { "items": [ { "text": "Are you knocking me down on purpose?", "checked": false } ] } }

{ “id”: “sjiJhPSzOJ”, “type”: “checklist”, “data”: { “items”: [ { “text”: “You’ve been interrupting me throughout the conversation and trying to tease me, is this on purpose, or just not want to chat?”, “checked”: false } ] } }

{ "id": "i17owdO8sU", "type": "checklist", "data": { "items": [ { "text": "Let's not be distracted by mutual jabs", "checked": false } ] } }

And you should definitely immediately lay out the “carpet carpet” (I write about this technique in detail in the book “The Kremlin School of Negotiations”), and then direct the conversation in the right direction with the link “I propose to move to...”

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Material on the topic

PS

Thank you for reading my article on how to be calm in any situation and not get nervous. Psychology is a subtle science, but by and large all people have similar problems.

And most importantly, any problem can be healed so that it no longer appears in life. For example, I removed a bunch of fears, one of which was the fear of heights, and now I can safely visit the Ostankino tower with a glass floor.

Previously, I was very scared of any height, even when looking from a third-floor window.

Determine if criticism is valid

Obviously, the social circle of any of us is not so wide that each time criticism addressed to us comes from a new person. Most likely, the source of criticism is our immediate environment, with whom we are in constant contact. Therefore, do not be afraid to take a break to think about it - after all, the situation will repeat itself soon, but you will already know exactly how objective it is in relation to you.

As we have already said, there can be many reasons to criticize you. The comments or complaints made to you can be either “dummies” or completely constructive. There are 2 simple ways to determine the validity of criticism:

• Brainstorm

So, if you are objective and honest with yourself, then you are quite capable of independently determining how justified you are being criticized. To do this, the situation must be thoroughly analyzed:

- try to understand for what purpose the interlocutor is making complaints to you;

— weigh your actions, give them an objective and independent assessment;

- give an objective assessment of the “critic”, determine whether he is a “toxic person” or objectively wants to help you;

To carry out such an analysis, you will need time. Therefore, do not rush to react as usual - argue or get upset, but give yourself time to think. You can answer directly: “I’ll think about it.” The main thing is, even if you are 100% sure that you are right, always allow for at least a small chance that this may not be the case. And with this attitude, subject the situation to a deep analysis.

• Call a friend

The second effective way that will help you understand whether you are being criticized objectively or not is an outside view from a person close to you, for example, a friend. If you have a trusting relationship, explain the situation to him and let him express his opinion. Perhaps it will help you realize your mistakes, or verify the bias of your claims.

What is aggression

Aggression is behavior aimed at moral suppression or causing physical harm to an object that causes a negative reaction. Not only people, but also inanimate objects can provoke aggressive behavior.

It is important to distinguish between aggression and anger. Anger is an emotion that arises in response to the negative impact of the environment. In other words, you don’t like something or someone, you get annoyed. Outwardly, this is manifested by a change in facial expressions or impartial expressions addressed to the provoking factor.

But aggression is not just an emotion, it is actions whose purpose is to uphold what is right, protect personal boundaries, and self-affirmation. Insults, shouting, threats, beating are manifestations of aggression; in a fit of rage, a person is quite capable of murder.

Where does self-doubt come from?

All people cannot always be confident in every situation. This is impossible! Even Elon Musk will feel insecure in a village toilet, this is normal. We feel confident where we feel comfortable. And when we leave our comfort zone, that’s where our worries begin.

Accordingly, there are concepts of confidence and excitement. It’s anxiety, aka fear, that prevents us from feeling comfortable. And as we know, fear is just an emotion that can be worked through. Usually fears are in the chest. What does it mean to process emotions?

The fact that you feel fear in adulthood means that you learned to be afraid in deep childhood, which means that the situation from childhood can be worked out so that you stop being afraid in childhood. Accordingly, if you stop being afraid in childhood, you stop being afraid in adulthood. It’s easier to say with the fashionable phrase “Close the gestalt”

In total, we get that our whole life, namely: relationships, success, earnings, health, love, confidence is laid down in childhood from our parents and environment. But this does not mean that we will follow in the footsteps of our parents; if we turn to a psychologist, we can direct ourselves in a different direction.

Example from life:

My father is a drinker, and he drinks out of boredom, if he doesn’t drink enough. Although I can understand him, his parents left him early and he was left an orphan at the age of 10. Whether it’s good or bad, it doesn’t matter, unfortunately, this happens. And usually, people whose parents leave early feel severe mental pain that they cannot cope with on their own.

But children, they are always altruists, they try to take the pain away from their parents and thereby help them cope with the pain. But unfortunately, children doom themselves to suffering by taking on someone else's pain. Because a person himself must cope with his emotions and problems.

So I was such a child who picked up the negative states of my parents and walked through life with it, as I walked, crawling on my knees. With such baggage, it is impossible to talk about success and a happy life until all this is worked through.

I lived and suffered until I met a good psychologist who explained it all to me and helped me work through it. Thanks to him.

So, when I freed myself from my parental conditions and programs, I was able to independently walk through life with a confident step. And you can if you want. You can become whoever you want!