There is a myth that single women are more prone to aggression than women who are in relationships with men. Usually, aggressive women without a partner receive the label “disliker” from ordinary people, of course, in a harsher form and less acceptable for the media. I write a lot about how unmet needs manifest themselves and once received an interesting comment.
“I used to be proud of the reasonable manifestation of emotions, now I clearly saw why the reaction “angryly infuriates” lives in me. Unfinished need for a partner.”
Personally, this female confession, confirming the opinion of ordinary people who have no idea about the causes of loneliness and aggression, seemed strange to me. I decided to debunk one of the most famous myths about single women and tell you what the connection is between anger and the lack of a relationship with a man, from the point of view of scientific psychology.
Where does anger come from?
First of all, let's clarify that anger is one of the manifestations of aggression, and aggression can be healthy and unhealthy, that is, vital and toxic, as psychologists say. Healthy aggression is very important, because it is what helps you achieve your goals and fight for life in critical situations.
The aggression that my subscriber wrote about is always born in relationships. If something or someone “maliciously enrages” you, this is a manifestation of toxic, that is, unhealthy aggression. It is destructive because it is divorced from real relationships. It often happens that some unfamiliar person or some phenomenon enrages you. This means that aggression has accumulated inside the personality, and it requires a way out. Simply put, a person needs to take out this aggression on someone or something, and he unconsciously chooses an object in order to free himself from his emotional poison.
And now the most important thing. When something “angrily pisses you off”, it means that your aggression was born in a specific relationship with someone close to you or acquaintances, but was not manifested in these relationships, but was locked inside the emotional system.
The feeling is similar to that of a person who has eaten heavily, processed food, but cannot go to the toilet. The intestines are full, and there is no way to get rid of leftover food. By the way, psychosomatics experts draw a parallel between digestive and emotional processes, so the example of the toilet is not my invention, it is a well-known psychotherapeutic metaphor.
Why did my husband become aggressive and irritable: possible reasons
Psychologists say that all the reasons that cause attacks of anger and aggression in men are conditionally classified into two types:
- psychological - most often, laid down at the genetic level. Under the influence of external factors, negative excitability increases;
- physiological – stress, fatigue, sleep problems, stress.
Let's look at common models of male aggression.
The husband was initially aggressive (hot-tempered, irritable, nervous, etc.)
Every person has a different character and temperament. The specifics of behavior and reaction to irritating factors are formed over the years. The relationship of parents to each other, childhood psychological trauma, poor relationships with classmates - all this gives rise to hot temper and a tendency to aggressive behavior in society.
Irritability is an integral character trait, displacing tolerance, gentleness, and the ability to compassion. Aggression becomes a basic component of a man’s temperament. Outbursts of anger accompany him constantly, for no apparent reason. The provoking factor is almost impossible to identify.
Why aggression haunts a woman’s nervous system
In psychology and psychotherapy there is a term “distribution of aggression”. By the way, this process is relevant for men in the same way as for women. In general, psychology and psychotherapy are universal; they describe problems and heal the personalities of both women and men. But now we are talking about women.
The placement of aggression is a response to irritation. Irritation always occurs in a relationship, which means a response must happen in a relationship. For example, a husband yelled at his wife, but the wife does not run away to yell at the child, so that the child then yells at the cat. This is toxic aggression. If a husband and wife have a healthy relationship, they experience this anger together and figure out what problems have arisen in their relationship. They regulate their anger, find boundaries and ways of expressing it that do not destroy their partner. This is vital aggression that stimulates growth and development in relationships.
But sometimes aggression accumulates in the emotional system of the individual, which was not placed in real relationships. That is, there is a woman who was angry with someone, but hid her anger and did not express it for some reason. Perhaps it was dangerous. Perhaps she was afraid of ruining the relationship. Perhaps she does not know how to express vital, that is, healthy, aggression at all; she only manages to tantrum with breaking dishes. But the result is the same - the aggression remains inside the woman, she constantly reminds herself of herself.
And as soon as some external irritant arises, the woman experiences toxic aggression and tries to drain it away from the real relationship in which this aggression arose. For example, she quarreled with her husband, and took the aggression out on some woman in the store who confronted her in line at the checkout. Or hit the house cat because it spilled milk from its bowl. There are more than enough ways to drain aggression past relationships; you don’t need to look too hard.
Husband is annoying: reasons
Over the years of living together and understatement, a lump of mutual grievances grows more and more. If spouses communicate little and do not have the habit of reaching agreement, then it is not surprising that over time the wife becomes enraged by the husband and vice versa. Every family has its own irritants. For example, one is not satisfied with the mess and scattering of socks around the house, the other is not satisfied with her husband’s unbalanced behavior while driving.
In general, my husband is annoying for various reasons, including slurping, snoring and stupid hairstyle. Just remember Charlotte, the heroine of the famous TV series Sex and the City. She was infuriated when her husband left tea bags on the table, and this despite the fact that the woman preferred perfect cleanliness. Over time, many realize that they are completely different people, their interests do not coincide. Where did they look at the beginning of the relationship?
What to do if your husband is annoying? First, figure out the reasons for your dissatisfaction. Perhaps the man mirrors your attitude or behavior? During the period of falling in love, the body produces endorphins, which interfere with a sober assessment of the situation. At the same time, each of us has an idea in our heads of how it is “should” and how it is “correct”. But trying to remake a person is a big mistake, psychologists say.
Here are other reasons why your husband is annoying:
- Constantly being together. If you work together and also live together, then you have no time to relax and miss each other. Over time, a woman develops a feeling of hopelessness.
- Lack of attention or lack of freedom. If a man is annoying, you need to correctly determine the reason. To develop a normal, healthy relationship, spouses must take a break from each other, and also pay attention and work on the relationship.
- Hormonal changes. The restructuring of the body during pregnancy leads to stress, so a woman may become irritated and offended by little things. During this period, many people say: “My husband annoys me.” Over time, this will pass, as will the reluctance to be intimate after childbirth.
- Lots of responsibilities. Sometimes women take on an unbearable burden: work, housekeeping, child care. While the man comes home from work and rests. The unhealthy situation in the family is heating up, and the wife takes out her fatigue and dissatisfaction on her husband.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. It is important for a woman to enjoy sex, otherwise the constant lack of attention develops from dissatisfaction into resentment and constant irritation. Some people are infuriated by their husbands for this very reason.
Photo: pixabay.com: UGC
The closer a person is to us, the more we show our irritation. We keep our face in front of others, because it is unclear how an outsider might react to an outburst of anger. What to do if everything is annoying? It is necessary to take action, since it is this feeling that gradually destroys relationships, leading to quarrels and scandals.
How aggression is linked to loneliness
Now let's get back to the topic of our conversation. Is there a connection between loneliness and aggression in women? Is the myth that an evil woman has a catastrophic “under-lover” true? Unfortunately no! There is no direct connection between aggression and lack of love! But there is a deep connection that has a psychothetapeutic meaning. But let's take everything in order. This means that we will first separate the need for a partner and aggression.
The need for a partner signals itself by the fact that the wife is aware of the need for love, the thirst for emotional and heartfelt intimacy, the need to see a like-minded person nearby.
Aggression is an unfinished need for aggression. Don't confuse it with the need for love! If we assume that “evilly infuriates” is a sign of need for a partner, then it turns out that a partner is needed in order to, for example, beat him or kill him. And until a woman expresses this aggression, her partner may not approach her, because such a woman charged with anger sends the message “don’t come near, she’ll kill you.”
But why do aggression and loneliness still have a connection? Because the biggest problems in relationships arise among those women who were little loved by their mothers and fathers in childhood. And “disliker” is a word that characterizes child-parent relationships, not female-male relationships.
My husband constantly yells and freaks out: the correct reaction to screams
- If constant quarrels have caused poor health or emotional stress for children who constantly watched their parents quarrel, it is likely that your relationship has become “toxic”. Trying to improve them with persuasion, threats or tears is pointless. A person cannot change unless he wants to.
- Many families turn to specialists for help to save their family. It can take years to mend relationships. If you are afraid to leave your husband because of financial dependence or attachment, be prepared to suffer for a long time. Only a small percentage of women who suffer from their husband's screams decide to file for divorce.
There are several reasons why wives decide to divorce if the husband constantly yells at his daughter, son, or herself:
- depression due to constant stress;
- lack of mental strength;
- health problems.
All these factors make it impossible to continue saving the marriage. Often, couples who have been married for more than 10-20 years file for divorce.
- Some women do not decide to divorce because they do not want to leave their children without a father. However, this may negatively affect the future of children. They will adopt the behavior of their father and mother, and will continue to follow this pattern when they have their own families.
- Think about preserving your children's sanity. Don't let them adopt this pattern of behavior in the family.
- If you decide to fight for the safety of your family, learn to support your spouse. If you can’t establish relationships on your own, turn to specialists. You may need a non-family relationship psychologist.
- Let your spouse first visit a specialist who will help him understand his personal problems.
You have to understand that this is not a healthy relationship.
What to do with aggression to find true love?
You need to understand to whom the words “maliciously infuriate” are addressed. If there is a suspicion that anger and aggression are associated with close relationships, then you need to look for the recipient of anger in the circle of close men. And if we mentioned psychotherapy and the deep roots of the problem, then this list of suspects of unrequited aggression needs to start with the father.
Sometimes years pass after unplaced, that is, unexpressed and unspoken aggression. Sometimes it is impossible to send retaliatory aggression to the recipient because he has not been around for a long time or is not alive at all. Then what to do? In such cases, a psychotherapist or psychologist-psychotherapist helps, who have special knowledge that helps drain the accumulated poison in the therapeutic relationship. And each woman decides for herself whether to treat her emotional intoxication or not.
My husband constantly yells: what to do, reviews
- Alexandra, 28 years old : Men who cannot show emotions in public often throw out their negativity at home. In our family it is not customary to do this. Before the wedding, my husband and I agreed that we would leave all problems outside the apartment. Therefore, we do not shout at each other, but clarify all misunderstandings in a calm tone.
- Renata, 34 years old: When I got married at 20, my husband seemed adequate. However, after 2 years of marriage, he began to constantly yell at me. I tried to calm him down, wrap him in care, etc. Unfortunately, it was never possible to change it. After 2.5 years of marriage, we divorced. Now I have a new family, in which everyone respects each other, and no one raises their voice.
- Maria, 40 years old : In our family, which is already 22 years old, it is not customary to shout at each other. We leave all problems that do not concern the family outside the perimeter of the house. In case of misunderstanding, everyone calmly expresses their opinion and a compromise is sought. My husband and I were taught this by our parents, who will soon celebrate their golden wedding.
As you can see, a husband can yell at his wife not only because his feelings are cooling. It is quite possible that he is not going through the best period of his life right now. Envelop him with care, support, and learn to find compromises in the family. This will save your marriage, your psychological health and the peace of mind of your children.
Interesting articles about men and women:
- Vector ring in the relationship between a man and a woman
- I am married, in a relationship, but fell in love with someone else - what should I do?
- Why you can’t build relationships: reasons
- What not to do in bed so as not to ruin the relationship
- Why can't we end failed, unnecessary relationships?
How to understand that a man likes you
He stares at you
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Do you know that feeling when you literally feel someone’s gaze on you, their gaze?
You know he's looking at you, but you don't want to look up because you're afraid of ruining the moment.
If he realizes that you know that he is watching, he will immediately turn away because he is afraid to admit to you and himself that he likes you.
2. Controversial behavior
This is an obvious sign that he cares, and it scares him. Either he is full of love, caring and attentive to you, then he becomes cold and distant.
Sometimes you have deep, heartfelt conversations about life, and then he suddenly moves away from you.
It seems like there is a constant struggle going on inside him. Is he ready to let you into his life or not?
Conflicting signs are coming from him, and you cannot understand how to behave. The only question is whether you are ready to be patient enough to wait for him to admit his sympathy or leave, thinking that he is just leading you by the nose.
He spends time with you
He asks you out on a date, invites you to the cinema and the like. This shows that he really likes you.
He would not be interested in spending time with you if you are only attracted to him as an object to satisfy your physical desires. He feels good next to you, but he is not ready to admit it yet.
He doesn't make the first move
Let's say you are sure that a man likes you. All signs point to this, but he doesn't take the first step. You know it by the way he looks at you or talks to you. The truth is, many women just feel it.
However, if he doesn't take action despite clearly wanting to, he may be afraid to do so.
Maybe someone broke his heart, he's embarrassed by you, or he thinks you're too good for him. Once you understand the reason, let him know that he can approach you and that you want him to.
He gets nervous around you
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Did you notice that he said things without thinking or acted strangely? He's visibly nervous, but you're not sure why. Well, you can tell he likes you, but he's scared. He is afraid that he might say or do something that will ruin everything. He wants everything to be perfect.
When something is of great importance to us, it is completely normal to be nervous and sweat because we care what the consequences will be. The same thing happens with a man.
His friend knows, but you don't
This is a pretty obvious sign that he is scared of how you make him feel.
If you are the subject of frequent conversations among his friends, then you can be sure that he likes you. The fact is that men are unlikely to seriously discuss a girl if they do not plan any relationship with her.
Even if he hasn't called you his girlfriend, his friends or acquaintances ask about you and act as if you are already in a relationship.
He blushes when you're around
It's not just women who feel embarrassed and blush. Men are capable of this too, especially in the presence of the object of their desires.
If you notice how he blushes when talking about himself, this is a clear sign that he likes you, but is afraid to admit it. This means that he really cares what you think of him and wants to make the best impression.
All you need to do is make your man feel comfortable and ask him questions. This will set your date in the right direction.
He's sweating
We all tend to sweat when faced with something new and unknown. Imagine how worried and sweating a man is when he goes on a first date.
He wants to show himself in the best light in front of you, but at the same time he is trying to overcome his nervousness. Don't be too hard on him. Try to calm him down by smiling at his jokes and learning more about him.
He gives you signs that you are not indifferent to him, but he cannot admit it to himself.
Mixed signals
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It constantly sends mixed signals that you cannot understand. You feel like he's trying to play with you or manipulate you by showing disinterested behavior, but your gut tells you that deep down he cares about you.
A man may push you away with his behavior, but then he realizes that he needs you and tries to win you back again.
He laughs at your jokes
You don't have to be a great comedian, but he still laughs at your jokes.
This is a sure sign that he likes you, but he doesn't dare admit it. The man tries to create a pleasant atmosphere and laughs at your jokes to diffuse the situation.
Seeing a positive response will make it easier for you to relax and enjoy a good time.
He listens to your problems
A man who is willing to listen to your problems will be a good partner. This means he cares, but is afraid to tell you because he thinks it might scare you.
By his behavior, he is trying to show you that, no matter what, he will be there and protect you from any troubles and ill-wishers.
He looks away
Body language is very important, especially when you are just starting to get to know each other. At such moments, we are not yet sure whether a man likes us or not.
If you notice how a man looks at you? and suddenly he looks away, this is a clear sign that he has feelings for you, but is afraid to say it.
Moreover, he may never dare to tell you these words in person.
It will even be easier for him to write to you about his sympathy, because he is still nervous in your presence.
He doesn't ask you out
It is unlikely that you will think this is a sign that a man likes you.
However, men can be shy too. He may have tried to ask you out several times, but couldn't find the right moment.
You shouldn’t give up on it right away. Give him a chance.
He's trying to protect you
If you have a problem, he will go to great lengths to solve it. This is his way of showing you his feelings.
His actions speak for themselves. He will never tell you that he misses you and will not confess his love, but he is ready to do everything to show his caring attitude towards you.
This is one of the most obvious signs that he loves you, but he needs time to get his feelings in order. It may take him a long time to admit this.
Men are wired that way and you need to understand that.
He sends you messages
© Lolostock
A man who likes you will want to know how your day was. He may send spontaneous messages to wish you good morning or call you to a meeting.
He wants to spend as much time with you as possible, and even though he likes you, he's afraid to admit it. He just wants to get to know you better before taking this step.
He gets jealous when another man is near you
Even if you are not a couple yet, he will be jealous if another man is near you.
He sees a potential rival and is not ready to put up with it. He wants to protect you from all greedy glances and keep you all to himself.
He has feelings for you, but is not ready to admit it. He'd rather act like he doesn't care and say you're free to do whatever you want than admit his emotions.
He doesn't mention other women
It looks like he has found what he was looking for and there is no need for him to mention other women. In fact, he is only interested in you and cannot do anything about it.
His friends may even make fun of him, but he doesn't care. He only wants one woman in his life - and that is you.
He supports you
Every time you have a problem or are facing difficulties in life, he is ready to be there for you to ease your condition.
He knows that being with the person you love is very important, so he does everything in his power to be there when you need him.
He is a man you can trust, and he is ready to do everything possible and impossible for you.
He pays attention to detail
If he can remember your dog's name or the last time you were on vacation, then he really has some feelings for you.
When a man is not interested, he will not even try to remember such things. At the same time, such little things show that you matter to him.
He mentioned a painful past
From time to time he mentions some painful moments in the past, and he is willing to do anything to avoid repeating this scenario.
This is the reason why he cannot completely give in to his feelings. He is afraid that you will break his heart, as you once did.
