Psychological violence in the family and relationships against women

Psychological violence against women is a phenomenon that often occurs in families. Nature has legitimized the process when representatives of the stronger and weaker sex find a life partner, plan children, and raise them. By forming a union, the spouses agree to experience all the failures, successes, ups and downs together. In addition to the intentions to support the family hearth, in a couple there is also room for the personal desires of each of them, which are not always to the liking of the other half. A person is born with a sense of self-esteem, when personal boundaries are violated, pressure is applied, he tries to defend himself and not allow himself to be offended.

What is psychological violence in the family: definition

According to the website of the European Institute for Gender Equality (eige.europa.eu), psychological violence is any intentional behavior that causes serious psychological harm to a person. It may take the form of coercion, defamation, verbal abuse, threats or harassment.

Emotional abuse is defined as the repeated abuse of another person's mental health and well-being through nonphysical acts, according to the American Psychological Association (APA).

The most common scenario of psychological violence against a woman occurs in family relationships, where the husband is the emotional tormentor and the wife is the victim.

For free psychological help, you can contact: Hotline for emergency psychological assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia: 8-499-216-50-50 Unified all-Russian helpline: 8-800-2000-122 Division of the Moscow psychological assistance service. In Ukraine : Women's Crisis Center Tel. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Tel. 0 800 500 335 or 386 from mobile.

What's in the numbers?

According to published figures, about 20% of women in our country experience violence at home, and more than half do not seek help.[2] About 9% of all violent crimes against minors are committed by parents (the absolute number is 2,676, according to data for 2022).[3] However, global figures (published by WHO) are no less “impressive”: a quarter of the adult population was subjected to physical violence in childhood, one in five women was subjected to sexual violence in childhood, one in three women was a victim of physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. [1] According to a telephone survey, 24.8% of US women reported experiencing sexual and/or physical violence from an intimate partner at various points in their lives. (More details...) According to Australian resources, every fourth resident of the country becomes a victim of one of the forms of domestic violence (and 17% of all residents - physical and/or sexual) (More details...) (More details...)

Consequences

Violence can have a range of consequences, both immediate and long-term.
In addition to the obvious physical injuries, the development of unwanted pregnancy and infection with sexually transmitted diseases, physical forms of violence are almost always accompanied by psychological and social consequences. In addition, the damage caused by purely psychological violence differs little in significance from physical injury. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. CDC, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Available at (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/ IPVBook-a.pdf. March 2003, Smith, S.G., Chen, J., Basile, K.C., et al. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010-2012 State Report. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control , Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Available at https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf. 2017; Accessed: June 12, 2022, US Department of Justice - Office of Justice Programs. Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993–2010. November 2012. McCoy M. Domestic violence: clues to victimization. Ann Emerg Med. 1996 Jun. 27(6):764-5. [Medline]. English, Diana J. J. Christopher Graham, Rae R. Newton, Terri L. Lewis, Richard Thompson, Jonathan B. Kotch, and Cindy Weisbart. 2008. At-risk and maltreated children exposed to intimate partner aggression/violence: what the conflict looks like and its relationship to child outcomes. Child Maltreat, 14 (2)),) In any form of violence, immediately after a violent act, the victim to one degree or another (up to acute mental reactions) may develop feelings of fear, isolation, anger, guilt and shame, and a sense of betrayal. The victim can take responsibility for the situation of violence. Subsequently, victims of violence often suffer from chronic mood and anxiety disorders, sleep disorders, low self-esteem and impaired perception of the world, and a tendency to dissociative states. The impact of violence on children is of particular importance. It is important to emphasize that violence experienced in childhood affects health and well-being throughout life (developmental disorders, the formation of chronic mental disorders and risky behaviors that increase the risk of developing infectious and non-infectious somatic diseases, unplanned pregnancies), and in addition, influence well-being of subsequent generations. (More details...)

Psychological abuse

We should talk separately about psychological violence (today the term “abuse” is becoming increasingly popular). The fact is that it is carried out in both verbal and non-verbal forms and is often not at all obvious. Sometimes violence is hidden behind the mask of a desire to “improve” a person, to “do him good.” Most often, the concept of psychological violence includes actions such as ignoring, devaluation and humiliation, intimidation and blackmail, gaslighting, control, isolation, and involvement in illegal activities. [7] Most often we encounter the phenomenon of psychological violence in intra-family relationships: both partner and child-parent relationships (including from adult children in relation to elderly parents). And also in cases of collective violence: bullying by peers, bullying of children by teachers/educators, adults at work, people of any age in cyberspace, hospital patients (especially for vulnerable groups - the elderly, those with disabilities, the mentally ill) .

How to recognize psychological violence?

Psychological violence is in some way a form of relationship; it is usually carried out systematically. You have become a victim of psychological violence if: 1. You are constantly ridiculed and/or insulted (especially publicly), including being labeled as a stupid, infantile or inferior person; 2. Any miscalculations and mistakes are constantly pointed out to you; 3. Your thoughts, feelings, desires are constantly devalued and/or ignored; 4. You are constantly compared to others (usually in a negative way); 5. You feel strict, total control in all aspects of life, including limiting your circle of contacts, interests, hobbies, insisting on reports of time/place of stay, even setting up surveillance, monitoring activities on social networks, violating the privacy of correspondence and telephone conversations; 6. You are allegedly being convinced of “inadequacy”, you are constantly being convinced of the fallacy of your feelings, memories, perception of the situation; 7. You are limited in freedom, including financial; 8. You are kept in constant fear, threatened with both physical violence and causing material or reputational harm; 9. You are inclined to commit illegal actions (mainly typical for violence against children and adolescents).

What to do?

Violence is everywhere. There are people ready to help. Violence can be stopped and prevented. The first thing you need to do is ask for help.

Unified all-Russian children's helpline number: 8—800—2000—122 (24 hours a day)

Emergency psychological assistance service of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia: 8— 499— 216— 50— 50 (24 hours a day)

Online consultation: psi.mchs.gov.ru

Moscow service for psychological assistance to the population: 051 (24 hours a day)

Online counseling is provided not only for Moscow residents: msph.ru

There are also various public organizations and crisis centers.

Qualified psychotherapeutic assistance can help a victim of violence minimize its consequences. Often, victims of intrafamily violence are participants in codependent relationships, which means psychological help will include working through this problem and preventing a recurrence of events. It is necessary to draw a clear line between victim codependency and guilt. Violence is always a matter of power/power. The victim cannot be its source, the victim CANNOT be blamed in any case. A person who uses violence, but wants to change it, can also get professional help, including learning to become more aware of their feelings, developing skills to resolve conflicts without using force, and normalizing their perception of themselves. Again, there are people willing to help. Family therapy is one of the most effective means of overcoming domestic violence, subject to the mutual desire of the partners. Treatment for the consequences of child abuse and prevention of new cases almost always requires the involvement of the family. It is extremely important to understand that ANY violence is unacceptable. It cannot be justified either by circumstances, or by the behavior of the victim, or by the past of the aggressor. Contrary to popular belief, a “tyrant” can control his behavior. As a rule, aggressors “successfully” choose a victim who is capable of committing violent acts without external witnesses, in quite certain “safe” conditions for themselves” and, as a rule, are able to abruptly stop them when a conditional benefit arises for themselves (for example, a call from the boss, the appearance of police, etc.)

[1]WHO Global State of Violence Prevention Report 2014 https://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/handle/10665/145087/WHO_NMH_NVI_14.2_rus.pdf?sequence=2

[2] Human Rights Watch: The problem of domestic violence in Russia and the state’s response. https://www.hrw.org/ru/report/2018/10/25/323648

[3] Speech at a round table in the Public Chamber of the Russian Federation by Elena Mikhailovna Timoshina (candidate of legal sciences, senior researcher at the Federal State Institution All-Russian Research Institute of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia)

[5] FORTY— NINTH WORLD HEALTH ASSEMBLY GENEVA, WHA49.25 Prevention of violence: a public health priority. https://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/media/en/173.pdf

[6] WHO: Violence and its impact on health. https://www.who.int/publications/list/9241545615/ru/

[7] The National Clearinghouse on Family Violence (Canada). https://web.archive.org/web/20050224221048/https://www.phac—aspc.gc.ca/ncfv—cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/emotion.pdf

[8] English, Diana J, J. Christopher Graham, Rae R. Newton, Terri L. Lewis, Richard Thompson, Jonathan B. Kotch, and Cindy Weisbart. 2008. At—risk and maltreated children exposed to intimate partner aggression/violence: what the conflict looks like and its relationship to child outcomes. Child Maltreat. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1077559508326287

[9] Assessment of the Harmful Psychiatric and Behavioral Effects of Different Forms of Child Maltreatment, David D. Vachon, Robert F. Kruger, Fred Rogosch, Dante Cicchetti, JAMA Psychiatry, 2015.

[10] Assessment of the Harmful Psychiatric and Behavioral Effects of Different Forms of Child Maltreatment.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26465073

[11] Behavioral Problems After Early Life Stress: Contributions of the Hippocampus and Amygdala. https://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/article/S0006— 3223(14)00351— 5/fulltext

[12] Association of a History of Child Abuse With Impaired Myelination in the Anterior Cingulate Cortex: Convergent Epigenetic, Transcriptional, and Morphological Evidence. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2017.16111286

[13]https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/full/10.1161/CIR.0000000000000536

[14] Is the childhood home food environment a confounder of the association between child maltreatment exposure and adult body mass index? https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0091743518300434?via%3Dihub

[15] Adverse Childhood Exposures Associated with Adult Insomnia Symptoms, Abstract ID: 0784. Journal Sleep.

[16] Childhood maltreatment and migraine (part I). Prevalence and adult revictimization: a multicenter headache clinic survey. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19845782

[17] The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect: A Systematic Review and Meta- Analysis https://journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371/journal.pmed.1001349

[18] Burden attributable to child maltreatment in Australia https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213415001684?via%3Dihub

[19] Childhood maltreatment and adult suicidality: a comprehensive systematic review with meta-analysis. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological— medicine/article/childhood— maltreatment— and— adult— suicidality— a— comprehensive— systematic— review— with— metaanalysis/043CB9ABD61C68B00C4F72EFE02B9A17

[20] Child Abuse, Sexual Assault, Community Violence and High School Graduation https://www.nowpublishers.com/article/Details/RBE— 0065

[21] Association of Child Maltreatment with South African Adults' Wages: Evidence from the Cape Area Panel Study https://healtheconomicsreview.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13561— 018— 0206— 6

[22] The Legacy of Early Abuse and Neglect for Social and Academic Competence From Childhood to Adulthood https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cdev.13033

Types of psychological abuse you need to know

According to medicalnewstoday.com, psychological abuse takes many forms and falls into one of several categories depending on what the abuser is trying to do. For example:

1. Humiliation, devaluation, criticism
2. Control
3. Shame
4. Ignoring
5. Blame, gaslighting and denial
6. Emotional isolation

Let's consider the signs by which one or another type of psychological influence on a woman can be recognized.

Types of domestic violence

1. Physical. These are acts aimed at harming physical health. Causing bodily harm, beatings, pushing, slapping.
2. Psychological. This is harmful to psychological health. Humiliation, threats, deception, blackmail, control.
3. Sexual. Forcing a sexual act through deception, blackmail, or force.
4. Economic. It manifests itself in the form of prohibitions to work, study, buy necessary things, control expenses and income.

All types of violence can occur in one family. The main thing is to recognize the problem, not turn a blind eye to it, and start fighting it.

Psychological violence is rarely discussed and does not cause public outcry. However, psychological violence is no less dangerous than physical violence.

As a rule, a rapist in society shows his best side: polite, calm, caring, loving. It depends on other people's opinions. Therefore, the victims are left without the understanding of their loved ones, because the husband seems to be a good person and, of course, “the problem is only her.” Thus, a woman loses control over her feelings, and a feeling of guilt and inferiority arises.

Signs of psychological abuse in a relationship

Humiliation, devaluation, criticism

Through harsh and merciless insults or criticism, a psychological tyrant tries to undermine your self-esteem. Here are some examples:

1. Labeling. You are called “stupid”, “loser”, and the child is “clueless”, “stupid” and other labels in the same spirit. In case of confrontation, the abuser passes it off as sarcasm.
2. Humiliating nicknames. These are not just affectionate names in relationships, but offensive nicknames under a thin mask. “My skinny match” or “My little cow” are not terms of endearment.
3. Reproaches and accusations using the word “always.” You are always late, make mistakes, slow down, and so on.
4. Screams. Insults, shouting and swearing are designed to intimidate and make you feel insignificant. May be accompanied by punching objects or throwing things.
5. Patronizing tone. "Honey, I know you're trying, but it's just beyond your comprehension."
6. Depreciation. You tell him about something important to you, and he says that it’s nothing. Rolling your eyes, smirking, shaking your head and sighing have the same purpose - to invalidate your words and feelings.
7. Bad jokes. With their help, the victim is portrayed as a stupid person.
8. Sarcasm, mockery. The goal of a psychological tormentor is to annoy, make you feel bad, and bring you to tears. And in response to your grievances, you hear accusations that you have no sense of humor and you need to stop taking everything so seriously.
9. Insults about appearance . They tell you that your hair is ugly, your hairstyle is ugly, and your outfits are tasteless and ridiculous.
10. Downplaying your accomplishments and interests. You are told that your achievements mean nothing, and they take credit for your success. Your interests are a waste of time .
11. Deception. You can be cheated on, if not literally, then virtually in games, watching porn films in order to hurt, humiliate or hint that you are not desirable.
12. Outbursts of anger. Failure to do what a man asks of you can lead to an outburst of anger on his part. After which you are blamed for all the problems, difficulties of life or misfortunes of the tormentor.

Control

Controlling behavior is a red flag in any relationship. Examples of controlling behavior include:

1. Threats and intimidation for the purpose of control. They threaten you that they will take your children, leave you without money, and throw you out onto the street. In this way, a person’s fears are manipulated in order to control him.
2. Monitoring your location. A domestic tyrant wants to know where you are at all times and insists that you answer calls or text messages immediately. He can come and check that you are really where you said you are.
3. You should always ask permission. A victim of psychological violence must always ask the “family dictator” for permission to go to family or friends, even if he is not at home.
4. Digital surveillance. Your correspondence in instant messengers, email, page visiting history, and call log are checked. At any time, it may require account passwords from your social networks or email.
5. Unilateral decision making. Rules and norms are constantly and roughly set for you: how much to eat, when to go to bed or wake up, what to wear and what color or style your clothes and hairstyle should be.
6. Financial control. Complete control over a woman’s finances and quarrels over imaginary waste. Blocking bank accounts so that a woman, humiliatingly, asks for money for what she needs, and has to account for every penny spent.
7. Your personal time and desire to relax are regarded by an emotional tyrant as laziness and shirking from work. Therefore, he tries to constantly add work to you.

Shame

The goal of the psychological tormentor in this case is to make the woman (children) feel shame for her shortcomings. This takes many forms, including:

1. Reading lectures and notations. With long monologues about your behavior, they make you understand that you are a worthless person and worse than others. The abuser constantly records and remembers a woman’s flaws, mistakes or shortcomings in order to then prick her with them, causing a feeling of shame.
2. Lie. An emotional tyrant can outright lie, expressing false opinions of his friends about your “bad” behavior and disrespect for them. After which you will have to make excuses for a long time and prove the opposite.
3. Avoiding dialogue and problem solving. In disagreements, all the blame, responsibility and responsibilities are shifted onto you, in order to then accuse you of incompetence and make you feel ashamed. It's easier for him to call you "crazy" than to solve the problem.
4. Simplification. You may be criticized for wanting to talk about your feelings, experiences and problems. They may shame you for having a problem or say that you are “making a mountain out of a molehill.”
5. Unpredictability. A psychological abuser can explode with rage out of nowhere and then suddenly shower you with love. Or he will be gloomy and sullen at any mistake you make, forcing you to walk on tiptoe and not catch his eye.
6. Using others. In their desire to shame the victim, the emotional abuser may say that “everyone thinks” you are stupid or “everyone says” that you are wrong.
7. Contempt. The family looks at the woman with contempt, showing her offensive or threatening gestures, figures, and hints.
8. Public ridicule of any shortcomings and secrets of a woman in front of other people. A male abuser loves to tell others about his intimate life with a woman, savoring the details. Because of this, the woman is haunted by a feeling of dirt and self-loathing.

Ignoring and opposing

Boycott or ignoring is one of the oldest and most severe types of psychological violence in the family. Because of him, a woman feels rejected, useless, and is “eaten up” by loneliness. Here are some signs of being ignored:

1. Demands respect. A woman is regularly accused of disrespecting a man without acknowledging the clear fact of her respect. Therefore, he believes that your perceived disrespect should not go unpunished. (We have collected several ways a woman can show her respect for a man.)
2. Termination of communication. He will ignore your attempts to talk in person, via SMS or over the phone. They basically avoid talking to you and discussing problems, so you feel emotionally depressed.
3. Dehumanization of the victim. They will turn away from you when you speak or look at something else when talking to you, but not at your eyes.
4. Silence. When you want to talk about your relationship, they will simply brush you off or silently ignore your words.

5. Indifference. He sees how bad you feel or you cry, and does nothing.
6. There is only “I” and that’s it. A psychological abuser tends to put his own emotional needs before yours. The victim’s feelings are ignored or deliberately not noticed, since the abuser is focused only on his loved one.
7. The abuser objects to everything you say. Challenges your perceptions, opinions and thoughts. Treats you like an adversary, essentially saying “no” to everything, so constructive conversation is impossible.
8. Denial of close affection. He won't take your hand or pat you on the shoulder. May refuse sexual relations to punish you or force you to do something.

Blame, gaslighting and denial

Because of his insecurity, the abuser wants to create a hierarchy in which he is at the top and the victim is at the bottom. Here are some examples:

1. Jealousy. The man is pathologically jealous and suspicious, accusing you of flirting or cheating. This leads to constant quarrels and suspicions on his part.
2. Shifting the blame. They try to convince the victim through insult and verbal pressure that she is constantly wrong, which causes pain to the offender. The goal is to make you believe that the tormentor is always right in everything.
3. Gaslighting or denial of obvious facts. This is one of the most insidious forms of psychological manipulation when the abuser tries to make you doubt your own memory and sanity. If you notice that your overt fears or memories are often dismissed as false, stupid, or far-fetched, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
4. Using guilt. The abuser says something like: “You owe me. Look at everything I’ve done for you, and you…”, trying to get a confession of guilt from your victim.
5. Incites, then accuses. The abuser knows how to make someone angry and can irritate the victim until he becomes upset. But once the problem begins, it is not he who is to blame for its creation, but the victim.
6. Denies his own abuse and blames others. When you complain about his attacks, the bully denies it, saying that you are the one mistreating him and he is just a helpless victim.
7. He says you have no sense of humor. He may make fun of you, and if you object, he will accuse you of being too sensitive and tearful because you are overreacting to a “harmless joke.” It’s sad, but a woman is more inclined to blame herself rather than the tyrant, considering her reaction to the tormentor’s jokes to be wrong.
8. Blames you for his problems. Everything that is wrong in his life is your fault: you do not support him enough; or do; or “they stuck their nose in the right place.” You have come to terms with the fact that a man will always get what he wants from you by any means. Therefore, you always give in, wanting to reduce the flow of discontent and insults towards yourself.

Emotional isolation

In psychological abuse, the abuser will try to make the victim feel isolated from others by any means, including:

1. It prevents you from communicating. Whenever you plan to go out, he distracts you or begs you not to go out.
2. Trying to come between you and your family. May resort to deception by telling your family that you don't want to see them or that you can't attend family events. May ridicule or belittle your family, making you feel bad about spending time with them.
3. Actively works to turn others against you. He will tell coworkers, friends, and even your family that you are unstable and hysterical.
4. Interrupts. You're on the phone or texting and he interrupts you to keep your attention on him.
5. Total isolation. Prohibits spending time with friends or family. Hides car or apartment keys, locking you in a room or house. Damages or breaks mobile phones and computers so that the victim cannot contact others.

Watch this video to help you recognize psychological abuse in a relationship.

Signs of moral violence

1. Aggression. Humiliation, insult to a woman. This can happen both in private and in public.
2. Absolute criticism. Criticize everything a woman does. For example, what he looks like, how he cooks, sex, communication with other people.
3. Total control. Looking through the phone, social networks, monitoring every step of the spouse.
4. Re-education. A man, after “getting” a woman, begins to re-educate her “to suit his taste.” In healthy relationships, people accept each other for who they are.
5. Total domination. The husband treats his wife as a servant and makes decisions for the woman and other family members. He believes that he is always right, dictates his own rules to everyone, he is the head of the house, everyone must obey him.
6. Insulation. The aggressor will try to cut off the woman from the outside world. Prohibit seeing family, loved ones, and friends. Perhaps a woman, in order to go somewhere or see someone, will have to ask permission, accept the tyrant’s conditions and succumb to blackmail.
7. Threats. The tyrant threatens and manipulates in various ways to achieve the desired goal.
8. Intimidation. Threatening looks, pogroms, and other intimidation tactics in order to subjugate a woman.
9. Jealousy. A man makes scandals and shows aggression due to unreasonable jealousy.
10. Lack of support. The partner does not support the woman in anything and does not fulfill his own promises. He does everything to make the woman feel guilty.
11. Fear. A woman is afraid of her partner, she is careful in her actions, she tries not to provoke anger, she is afraid to meet her friend, she is afraid to do something without approval.
12. A man does not take into account a woman's opinion. He makes important decisions alone, does not listen to advice, does not respect, and ignores his wife’s feelings.
13. Lack of mood. Sadness, melancholy, loss of strength and energy are signals that times are difficult in a relationship.
14. Coordination of all actions with a partner. The woman feels dependent. Shopping in the store, appearance, everything is consistent with him.

What are the consequences of psychological and emotional violence in the family?

Medicalnewstoday.com states that psychological domestic violence has short-term and long-term effects on the brain and body of the victim.

Short term impact

• Shame
• Hopelessness
• Fear
• Confusion
• Moodiness, aches and pains
• Difficulty concentrating
• Muscle tension

The longer emotional abuse continues, the longer lasting these effects may be.

Long term impact

According to research, emotional and psychological abuse can be as destructive as physical abuse and contribute to:

• depression
• low self-esteem
• chronic fatigue syndrome
• fibromyalgia
• insomnia
• chronic pain
• panic attacks
• social isolation
• worries
• guilt and the feeling that the torturer is right, and the victim is really “bad” or “insignificant”

According to some studies, emotionally abused children are more likely to develop toxic behavior and may choose bad relationships over healthy ones. They may also be more likely to experience emotional abuse again in adulthood. Children who are psychologically abused may develop symptoms such as:

• toxic behavior
• feeling of worthlessness
• difficulty regulating emotions
• regression
• difficulty trusting others
• sleep disorders
• problems developing relationships with others
• preferring bad relationships to healthy ones
• headache
• eating disorders
• obesity and substance use disorders
• negative thoughts
• outbursts of anger
• insomnia
• nightmares

Moreover, the University of Rochester Medical Center claims that victims of psychological abuse develop a codependent relationship with their tormentor.

You may be codependent if:

• unhappy in a relationship but afraid of the alternative
• constantly neglecting your own needs for the sake of your tormentor
• are willing to ignore friends and family to please their partner
• for any reason, seek the approval of your tormentor
• criticize yourself through the eyes of your abuser, ignoring your own strengths
• making many sacrifices when your partner does not reciprocate
• prefer to live in an unhealthy relationship than to be alone
• always biting your tongue and suppressing your feelings to keep the peace
• feel responsible and take blame for things you didn’t do
• defend your abuser when others point out that he is an emotional tyrant in the family
• feel guilty when you defend yourself
• think you deserve this kind of treatment
• believe that no one else will ever want to be in a relationship with you
• You can’t leave your offender who tells you: “I can’t live without you,” so you forgive again and again and stay with him.

Results of domestic violence

1. Lethal outcome in the form of murders, suicides;
2. Violence during childbearing threatens miscarriage, untimely birth, premature fetus, and stillbirth;
3. Depression, stress, insomnia;
4. Alcohol and drug abuse, the emergence of nicotine addiction;
5. Migraines, back pain, gastrointestinal disorders, deterioration of health;
6. Negative psychological impact on children;
7. Increased morbidity in children;
8. Victims suffer from isolation and lack of financial independence.

How to resist psychological violence in the family

Recognizing the problem

The first step to stopping emotional abuse in a relationship is to acknowledge that it is happening. You need to be honest with yourself if you notice signs of emotional abuse. This will help you take a sober look at your own life and make reasonable decisions.

Know your rights and the long-term risks of an abusive relationship

It's true that emotional abuse is difficult to prove, but you have a right to protection, even if they refuse to help you. You, like your partner, have the right to respect. You have the right to have your own opinion and change it, even if someone doesn't like it.

You have the right to leave a destructive relationship that is threatening your mental health. And you have the right to get honest answers to your questions.

These are your rights, so don't let others convince you otherwise. It is important not to remain silent about violence by men. Firmly tell your tormentor to STOP, promising to report to the appropriate authorities if he does not stop his actions.

Stop emotional abuse of women

Understand the danger of psychological violence in family and relationships, which can lead to both physical and mental health problems. You simply cannot allow your abuser to continue to traumatize you, even if it means ending the relationship.

Realize that you cannot change a person

You cannot make a change in the heart and mind of a person who does not want to change. And you don’t have to make your partner understand that his behavior hurts you.

The one who hurts you must want to change himself, admitting that he is hurting you with his words and behavior. Even if you are inclined to defend him in some way because of a codependent relationship, do not minimize the pain that he causes you. Staying with someone who doesn’t respect you and torments you psychologically is not the kind of heroism you should strive for.

Make your safety a priority

Recognize that a person who is accustomed to emotionally tormenting others rarely changes. And mental abuse can escalate over time and lead to physical abuse. Therefore, your safety should be your priority.

Take care of your needs. Do things that help you improve your self-esteem and think positively.

Ask for help

You don't know where to turn for help? Seek professional help and guidance from a psychotherapist who will explain how to properly act in such situations. A professional psychologist will help you cope with the emotional baggage of the past and increase your self-esteem.

Talk to close friends, family, or a lawyer about your relationship and ask for their support. Tell them about what is happening in your relationship and ask for help in getting out of this situation. You can even agree on a special signal or phrase that you can send when you need help.

Spend more time with those who love and support you. This will help you feel less lonely and isolated.

Develop a care plan

If finances, children, or another valid reason prevents you from ending the relationship now, develop a plan to leave as soon as possible. Start saving money, look for a place to live after a breakup and a job to support yourself.

End the relationship

Sometimes continuing a relationship is simply pointless and cannot be saved. Therefore, try for the sake of yourself or your children and your mental health to understand whether you need to continue working on this relationship. It is unlikely that a psychological tormentor will change, especially if this is not the first time he promises this.

Don't cling to painful relationships just because you're afraid of being alone. Just think about all the pain this relationship has caused you and how much more it will cause you if you stay in it. Every person deserves respect and love, including you. Therefore, do not allow psychological pressure to continue on you.

Factors that provoke a person to commit violent acts

All cases of domestic violence against a woman cannot be explained by one specific reason. Violence is provoked by a series of factors:

• Violent acts in the family circle;
• Low cultural and educational level;
• Financial instability, problems with work, lack of own housing, inability to provide for a family;
• Personality disorder, psychological problems;
• Drug and alcohol use that contribute to decreased behavioral control;
• Low self-esteem, improper upbringing;
• Social and economic situation in the world, politics;
• The success of the wife, the tyrant’s own failures;
• Different salaries of spouses;
• Wife's pregnancy, emotional tension, fear of fatherhood, approaching increased responsibility;
• Lack of attention from the wife, sexual hunger;
• Adultery;
• Stereotypical thinking about male dominance.

What to do after ending a relationship

Break off all contacts

Once you have ended your relationship with your abuser, do not allow him or her into your life again, under any conditions. He can admit his guilt, say that he has changed, promise that now everything will be different, but often these remain just words and empty promises. Don't let it take over your mind again.

1. Psychological abuse is likely to recur again, especially if he has made similar promises before.
2. Delete and block all contacts of this person from your phone, email, or even better, change your number.

Start recovering

Take care of your health and remember that the psychological violence against you was not your fault. No person deserves to be treated humiliatingly and humiliatingly. Which means you didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Do what brings you joy and good mood. Walk more, relax, do fitness, start keeping a diary in which you write down the good things that happened to you that day. All this will help you recover emotionally and teach you to value yourself.

Possible reasons

The desire to feel power over a person is a possible cause of domestic violence.
Domestic violence against children or a partner can develop due to the presence of certain factors. We will look at the most common reasons.

1. Building relationships according to the scenario of parental behavior. An adult, as a child, was oppressed by his parents, was a victim, or observed aggressive behavior of his father or mother directed at a second partner. In the first case, he now strikes back, in the second, he copies the behavior model of the aggressor parent.
2. The controller has very low self-esteem. With his behavior he tries to compensate for his damaged pride.
3. A person directing violence towards his loved ones shows a need for dominance. By controlling his family members, he feels power over them.
4. Lack of normal communication skills.
5. The presence of a mental disorder, possible sociopathy.
6. The reason may lie in endocrine pathology affecting the nervous system.
7. The presence of fears can also prompt such behavior.
8. Violence can come from a drug addict or alcoholic, a person who has some kind of addiction that affects the control of his emotions.
9. Dissatisfaction with your life and yourself in particular.
10. The presence of an unfavorable environment: low social status, unemployment.
11. The appearance of an unwanted child.

Causes of psychological violence against women in the family

1. Feelings of anger, pain, fear, or powerlessness from the offender. He may have been humiliated and emotionally scarred as a child. Therefore, he grew up as an insecure person with low self-esteem, embittered and ignorant of healthy, positive family relationships;
2. The emotional tyrant grew up surrounded by permissiveness, inflated self-esteem, and exaggeration of his abilities and talents. This fostered a feeling of superiority over other people, the idea that he was allowed to treat a woman as he pleased. (We recommend reading the article about perverted narcissists in relationships and their methods of influencing a woman).
3. Men who use domestic violence, both psychological and emotional, have a high level of personality disorders: borderline, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder.
4. Using emotional pressure to control your family.
5. Some men believe they have the right to have unconditional sex with their partner.

Why do women endure psychological and emotional abuse?

Women tolerate and are willing to continue to tolerate mistreatment from their partners for several reasons:

1. They are not aware of it, especially when they grew up in a family environment where violence against the mother was the norm of the father’s behavior.
2. They are afraid to end the relationship, falsely thinking that the chosen one is a good person. He will be re-educated over time, but there is still no better one to be found. Therefore, most women are silent about how a man treats them.
3. They mistakenly think that in marriage, physical or psychological violence is the norm. And it's better than being a single woman.
4. Victims of psychological abuse often do not view the abuse as offensive. They deny or minimize violence to cope with stress.
5. Economic and housing dependence on a man
6. Manipulation of parental rights over children
7. Threats, intimidation

Answers on questions

1). Why does psychological violence occur in families and relationships?

Family violence is about power and control . By intimidating someone, the violent person maintains power and control in the relationship.

2). Is the victim of psychological violence to blame for what happens to her?

There is no excuse for emotional abuse in families and relationships . It is unacceptable and cannot be justified by feelings, family circumstances, past experiences or alcohol and drug use. The person who has been subjected to domestic violence is never to blame .

3). What is the difference between emotional and psychological abuse?

Their difference is in the factor of impact on the mental abilities of the victim. Emotional abuse affects how a person feels, while psychological abuse affects what a person thinks.

4). Can you sue someone for emotional abuse?

Courts recognize the consequences of emotional abuse as one of the types of damages that can be recovered in a civil lawsuit or criminal law. This means that you can sue your psychological abuser if you can provide evidence to support your claims.

“Women are beaten not because they are good or bad, but because they are women”

Anna Rivina, lawyer, founder of the Moscow Center for Work against Violence and the Violence.Net project, is one of the most prominent figures covering the problem of domestic violence today. In September 2022, Anna opened a center where women who have experienced or are experiencing abusive relationships can turn. It also hosts lectures and seminars, and operates a civil escort school, whose students accompany victims to the police and medical institutions. The Center organized training courses for volunteer psychologists; per month, its specialists conduct about 250 personal and 50 remote (by e-mail) consultations, 167 face-to-face legal consultations and 24 meetings of psychological support groups. Previously, women received assistance by telephone or email.

We meet on the territory of the Center and talk about society’s attitude to the problem of domestic violence, stereotypes and the connection between domestic violence and gender discrimination.

The first stereotype is associated with people who deal with the topic of violence: they say that they themselves were victims of abuse. What brought you to this field?

— Many years ago, I accidentally read an article by journalist Anna Zhavnerovich. It is about an article by the editor of the WOS publication Anna Zhavnerovich entitled “Your True Face.” The material was published in two parts in the WOS publication. First part: https://wos.ru/article/13906. The second part: https://wos.ru/article/16481., which the young man beat after the girl decided to break up after three years of relationship. He beat me until I was blue in the face, took my mobile phone, and did not let me out of the apartment. But Anna still managed to ask her friend for help and contact the police. The district police officer did nothing for several weeks; after the girl’s repeated appeal, he was surprised that the couple had not yet reconciled, and Anna still wanted to bring the young man to justice. Thanks to the legal assistance of lawyer Marie Davtyan, the trial took place. Anna's offender was convicted, but pardoned in honor of the 70th anniversary of the victory in the Great Patriotic War; According to the court decision, he had to pay the girl 30,000 rubles as moral compensation in a civil suit.

That article consisted of two parts. I read both and, to be honest, I was shocked. I had never experienced abuse in my life, and the evidence that abuse was not normal pushed me to study this issue. After the material, Zhavnerovich found an interview with Marie Davtyan and wrote to her: “Hello, I’m a lawyer, I don’t know anything about domestic violence, but I really want to work on this topic.”

At first I thought that I would get a job in some organization and help. But it turned out that there are simply no such organizations - there is, rather, targeted assistance, but I wanted to change the overall attitude towards the issue. What worries me more is what accompanies every case of domestic violence - the huge amount of negative comments. Society's attitude to this problem plays a key role! If the reaction had been different, there would have been much less violence.

Only later did I remember how one of my friends confessed to me that her husband had taken a swing at her. I asked: “Apparently a divorce?” She replied: “Yes, yes, yes.” And then I came across photos of a happy family together, and I asked: “How can this be?” She said: “Mom said it was my fault.” And this was the first time I heard such an “excuse”.

Domestic violence is a gender discrimination issue. To understand this, it was necessary to study a lot of information. Previously, like many, it seemed to me that this was a marginal problem: a bottle of vodka, an ax and everything like that. And many friends thought so too, but when you come across this, the opinion changes completely: no one is immune from becoming a victim of domestic violence. And my task is to tell you over and over again what domestic violence is. In this case, information is the key weapon.

What is the connection between domestic violence and gender discrimination?

— The UN regards violence against women as gender discrimination, that is, women are beaten not because they are bad or good, but because they are women. This is the same historical heritage when the head of the family was allowed to punish his household for some offense. Domestic violence is permissible. I repeat once again: women are not beaten because they are not good enough, because they drink or cheat; women are beaten because they can be beaten. They will still say that it is her own fault. Society has fixed violence against women as the norm. I know that there are women who behave monstrously towards both their husbands and their children. But, according to the experience of our center and the experience of our colleagues, the absolute majority of victims (about 90%) are women, and these numbers make it clear that there is a failure somewhere in the system. When we talk about domestic violence as an international problem, we mean forced marriages of young girls, female circumcision, and various forms of economic dependence. I am sincerely angry - it often happens both on air and in personal conversations - when a person comments: “Well, how come, I haven’t had anything like this.” But I'm not talking about your personal experience, but about a systemic problem. Just because I don't have cancer doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I like to introduce people to Article 31 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, that is, to help them learn about the principle of equality proclaimed by the state. Those who say that a woman should stand at the stove and obey her husband must understand: they are violating our legislation, which has been in force for twenty-five years. I am trying to educate the audience using the legal framework. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights and human dignity are not an empty phrase.

You opened a center in Moscow, now residents of the capital have somewhere and someone to turn to, but what about those who live in the regions?

— We must not forget that we are the only state crisis center in Moscow, and Moscow is a city in which the population of several countries lives. In Sweden, for 10 million people, there are 200 crisis centers for women and men.

The largest number of crisis centers are in St. Petersburg and the Rostov region, but there are regions where there are none at all. However, it is wrong to think that things are better in Moscow. In Moscow, the same police officers, the same society and the same violence - they beat both the professor’s family and the hipster family. It’s not just the uneducated who beat, everyone beats: and the higher the financial status of the family, the more the violence is hidden.

How to prevent

Be able to stand up for yourself and fight back

Let's look at how to avoid manifestations of psychological or physical violence in the home circle.

1. If you notice that you are starting to show dominant behavior, you can directly ask why your partner is behaving this way.
2. It is important that you are able to clearly set the boundaries of what is acceptable. This is especially true for communication in conflict and controversial situations. At such a moment, the controller must understand that it is behaving inappropriately. Your rebuff will sober him up.
3. If you are accused of something, you should not immediately take it personally. You need to analyze the situation, realize whether you are really to blame for something or whether you are now being unfairly accused. If this is true, then you need to fight back.
4. People from your general circle can influence such a tormentor. In particular, this applies to those individuals who have authority in the eyes of your partner.
5. If you see that there are no changes in behavior, then you need to gradually prepare yourself for separation, stock up on a financial cushion, a roof over your head.
6. The best way to prevent violence from occurring is to visit a family psychologist together with your spouse. A specialist will help you understand the reasons for this phenomenon and teach you how to behave.

How to be

You can’t be idle and tolerate violence against yourself

It is important to understand what to do in a situation where violence occurs in the family.

1. You shouldn’t tolerate everything that happens and keep silent about the problem. If the situation is already critical, you need to ask for help. You can contact your loved ones, a psychologist, or in the most extreme cases, law enforcement agencies.
2. If you decide to leave the tyrant, then you should not listen to his pleas and promises to improve. Upon return, the victim will face punishment for disobedience and leaving. There are cases when a man who had previously psychologically belittled the dignity of his wife, after her return, let his hands go, sometimes leading to serious beatings.
3. You can turn to a support group, talk to people who have already experienced domestic violence.
4. If you are afraid of the upcoming divorce and the possible problems arising from this background, you need to consult with a lawyer.

Remember, you must not allow anyone to violate your personality. It is unacceptable to calmly watch someone abuse your children, even if it is their father or mother.