How to stop being shy and gain self-confidence: a guide to inner liberation

Hello friends! Lyudmila Redkina is with you. I'll tell you one story. Once I had to speak in front of a large audience, but I was not embarrassed at all and performed brilliantly. But already at the next meeting they replaced me... My mouth is dry, my speech is confused, it took me a huge amount of effort on myself to finally bring the speech to the end. This experience showed me that embarrassment can arise when you least expect it. And some people have been shy their entire adult lives. And in this article we will talk about how to stop being shy and become a confident person.

Get out of your comfort zone

The comfort zone is a swamp in which all a person’s talents and dreams can drown. If you do not leave it from time to time, you will face apathy and degradation in all areas of life. For closed, too modest people, the comfort zone ends where interaction with other people begins. That is, it itself is very narrow and cramped. If you sit in it all the time, you can go crazy.

If you are afraid to communicate, then this is what you need to do as often as possible. If you are embarrassed to speak in public, you will have to start doing it despite your discomfort. Yes, it's incredibly difficult. But the result is worth it.

Exercise

Skills need to be honed, and habits that interfere with life need to be systematically eradicated. All this applies to both sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.

• Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in your brain that is launched in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go backwards and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Get into the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that you are taking a defensive position in a conversation? Try asking your interlocutor a few questions.
• Talk to strangers. Try talking to one stranger (preferably a random passer-by) at least once a day. You'll likely never see him again, so feel free to sharpen your communication skills on him.
• In general, communicate more. Try to take every opportunity to connect with people. Tell jokes, agree to speak, say hello to people you often meet but never greet.
• Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party, but are afraid to approach him? Practice on people present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about getting to know each other, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the desired person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
• And always be prepared for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with your audience. This will give you confidence.

Communicate more

It would be great to first stop being shy, and then go out into the world of people renewed and confident. But, unfortunately, this is impossible. Shyness is not a curse that can be removed by going to a fortune teller. This is an undeveloped social communication skill that can only be developed through process.

Therefore, communication cannot be avoided. Moreover, you must make sure that there is enough of it in your life. At least twice as much as now. But its significance needs to be reduced.

Shy people tend to attach too much importance to ordinary conversations. They can rehearse phone calls, scrutinize past conversations, and come up with scenarios for future dialogues.

Become a bit of a non-carer and relax. Stop thinking about what impression you make on your interlocutor. This will help you overcome social anxiety. Remember, people have too many other things to do to evaluate your communication skills.

Where does the fear of communication come from and how to stop being shy

Timid and withdrawn people have a hard time: the former move up the career ladder more slowly and more often fail face-to-face interviews, the latter are at risk for addiction to alcohol and drugs. Lack of communication gives rise to a feeling of dissatisfaction with life, and stupor and psychosomatic pain from the fear of starting a conversation often lead to uncomfortable situations.

School teachers sometimes believe that the more shy a child is, the harder he studies and achieves greater success in life. Alas, this is not true.

Shyness often prevents people from demonstrating their knowledge, such as participating in a group project or answering a question orally. This disrupts communication between teacher and student, and sometimes the performance of shy children with equal knowledge is even worse than that of their outgoing peers.

At the first meeting, the interlocutors evaluate the intelligence of a shy person much lower than the mental abilities of his talkative and sociable “opponent”. But there is good news: by the second or third meeting, this opinion can easily change.

Shyness itself is not as bad as its consequences.

Loneliness is considered a risk factor for early mortality .

Lack of communication, support and emotions from other people increases your chances of not living to old age by 14%.

This is partly due to the hormonal system. Shy people have much higher cortisol levels than outgoing people, and it directly affects the quality of sleep and blood pressure. The condition of blood vessels worsens, the adrenal glands experience increased stress, and the expression of genes responsible for anti-inflammatory reactions changes.

So where does shyness come from? Who is to blame - society or biology?

There is no evidence that we are born shy, but nevertheless, about 15% of babies have a “depressed temperament” from the first day of life. They have much more acute and long-lasting reactions (rapid heartbeat, prolonged crying, attempts to turn away) to external stimuli: noise, unfamiliar objects and people - compared to “brave” newborns (about 15–20% of the total number of newborns are also born). numbers).

However, this is not shyness, but only characteristics of a person’s character. Subsequently, such children may well become extroverts and love large companies, but social factors come into play.

Parents sometimes exaggerate the importance of temperament and protect their quiet child from games and communication with peers, thereby fertilizing the soil for the sprouts of shyness that are just emerging.

What does the type of temperament depend on? Of course, first of all, scientists decided to check the heredity factor. Behavioral genetics is a fairly young science, so long-term studies are still lacking, but a link has been found between forms of the DRD4 gene and the personality of their carrier. This gene encodes a dopamine receptor protein that operates in the brain and is partly responsible for sensitivity to the “pleasure hormone.”

DRD4 is quite variable - for example, one of its sections can be successfully repeated in the human genome from 2 to 11 times. It turned out that those who have this indicator is 7 are much more inclined to seek adventure and new emotions. Scientists even happily called this form the “adventurism gene.” But short chains, with 2-3 repetitions of a section, seem to be to blame for anxiety and overly violent reactions in children.

The most common is the four-repetition variant, which scientists have accepted as the norm. Of course, when the studies were published, it seemed that everything was decided: it was necessary to do an analysis, more actively socialize “short-gene” children and more strictly educate “long-gene” ones. But over time, it became clear that the connection between genes and character is in fact much more complex.

What if shyness depends on whether you were born at full term? What if it is in the last months of pregnancy that the embryo “learns” ways of communicating?

A group of Canadian neuroscientists and psychiatrists is studying the behavior of people who weighed less than 1 kilogram at birth. It turned out that they were more often shy in childhood and adolescence, but by the age of 30 this “skew” corrects itself - no differences were observed with the control group (those who were born weighing at least 2.5 kilograms). In addition, children born prematurely were better prepared for conflict situations.

Psychologists believe that timidity and awkwardness appear much later, closer to a year and a half. Professor Bernardo Carducci has been studying shyness and its types for more than 30 years.

In his works, he identifies three personality traits that give rise to a feeling of embarrassment: low self-esteem, excessive concern for the opinions of others and excessive reflection.

All of them are closely related to a person’s self-awareness, and according to research by behavioral psychologists, it manifests itself approximately 1.5 years after birth. It is at this time that children first begin to notice themselves in the mirror and identify the reflection with their personality. Obviously, then, after a year, shyness arises.

Shyness in children is often developed by their parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the “children” are, 5 or 35, the words and actions of mom and dad can have the same effect. Excessive parental control, protecting your child from conflict situations or from everyday decision-making reduce to zero the possibility of developing communication skills and responsibility. Of course, an adult will cope with the difficulties that arise faster (and better), but it is necessary for the child to try to do it himself. And it's never too late to offer help.

Another factor that influences self-esteem (and, as a result, the “level of shyness”) is the amount of parental love and warmth. Children who were praised more and criticized less often experience less anxiety when interacting with other people; communication does not cause them stress.

Already by puberty, there are twice as many shy girls as boys (although in childhood there are approximately the same number of shy boys as girls)!

Alas, this does not mean that “male” hormones will make you more sociable. The problem lies in the still ineradicable stereotypes that dictate “correct” behavior. A young lady should be modest and obedient, but a “future protector” should be quite the opposite; these are traits encouraged by society. Shyness is a sign of weakness, a man must be a brave conqueror! Shy boys are ridiculed, their behavior is more often exposed, and they may even be punished for “girly” emotions, such as fear or sadness.

All this leads to the fact that young “macho men” begin to skillfully hide their feelings, become withdrawn and less empathetic. Moreover, with such pretense, the level of cortisol in the blood increases - therefore, young men are in a more stressful state every day than their “honest” peers.

Feelings of embarrassment are a complex of closely related emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

The emotional part (feelings, as well as the general mood and physical state of a person) includes the psychophysiological reactions with which the body responds to anxiety when we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: rapid heartbeat, stupor and numbness (muscle tension), upset stomach (including rumbling stomach), etc.

The fact is that the brain is a rather influential part of our “self”, and if it suddenly perceives as a dangerous environment, signals about which are given by the eyes, ears and body, then it all begins.

With anxiety, anxiety moves from the head to other levels. Simultaneously with nerve signals, stress hormones are injected into the blood, and the body switches to combat readiness mode. The heartbeat, breathing and our peristalsis increase, which becomes more noticeable and unpleasant: the stomach may ache, a feeling of nausea and even diarrhea may begin. Everything is to tell the body: “Run and hide!” Unfortunately, the brain doesn't always do the right thing.

The cognitive (or mental) part is the processes happening in your head, the harmful and nagging inner voice. Here, low self-esteem (“how stupid I look”), and suspiciousness mixed with self-criticism (“everyone looks at me disapprovingly”) are precisely those traits of a person’s self-awareness that appear by the age of 1.5 years. Thoughts can be completely confusing - and the problem is again in the brain: with billions of neural connections, it is not able to work equally with many different processes and stimuli at the same time. You're busy wondering if you're good enough for the company, and you risk missing out on a couple of more interesting topics of conversation - and the snowball of your lack of communication will continue to grow.

The behavioral component is expressed in a lack of usual communication patterns, for example, when a person does not talk to other people in a group, is very worried, and avoids visual and tactile contact. This is partly a consequence of the emotional and cognitive processes already discussed. Sooner or later, such a “beech” loses the ease of small talk and ceases to be the first to start a conversation. Over time, the problem only gets worse: the less often a timid person talks, the more difficult it will be for him in the future.

But shyness is not a death sentence! And of course, caring psychologists have come up with many ways to combat it.

First you need to determine which component of the three listed is more pronounced in you. This is what you should work with first.

Relaxation techniques will help you overcome emotional instability. Yes, in a noisy crowd it’s difficult to find a place where you can lie down and detach yourself from everything, but breathing exercises, simple observation of the rhythm of inhalation and exhalation will calm the heart rushing out of your chest and even help overcome the feeling of nausea.

Don't give a damn about the people around you, take care of your body. You can translate emotional tension into muscle tension: clench your fists tightly, hold, and then release. But you shouldn’t clench your teeth - firstly, you need your mouth to speak, and secondly, the prices for dental services will upset you even more.

Difficulties with a lack of communication and its consequences are easier to eliminate. Although it will take some effort. This is mainly training and rehearsals.

The main problem is that a person simply does not have time to quickly and adequately respond to some situation. An awkward silence ensues, and the interlocutor may not wait for an answer. There are four recommendations.

1. Learn the art of small talk. Practice starting conversations with strangers in simple situations. Ask a salesperson in a store where the product you need (or maybe not so much) is, find out what time it is from a passerby, or offer to hold the door on the subway.

It is important to learn how to initiate a conversation, even if it consists of one phrase.

It may be difficult at first, but start with a smile and a greeting, and then you will be surprised to find that it is not scary at all.

2. Develop communication skills. Think ahead about what you would like to discuss. Not the weather - this is one of the most awkward topics of conversation. Ask open-ended questions: while the other person is answering, you will have time to calmly think about what you will say in turn. Prepare a few “your” topics and be happy to share your knowledge and interesting observations.

3. Rehearse. It's corny and weird, but once you've scripted a conversation with a fictional character, it will be easier to have a similar conversation with a real person. Speak your request to the control room operator before calling - and then you won’t have to be silent on the phone.

4. Help other shy people. Kindness is responded to with kindness: if you see a sad, lonely and obviously shy person, go up to him and try to start a conversation. Perhaps being shy together will be much more fun for you.

It will be most difficult for those who are afraid to communicate due to internal conflict. The causes of this type of shyness are not easy to discover on your own, and in such cases, the help of a specialist is much more often required. Nevertheless, it is still worth trying to help yourself.

First, remember: people are mostly interested in themselves, not you. Although it seems that everyone is looking at you appraisingly, in fact, each person first of all looks after himself.

Unless, of course, you are a movie or football star. Glances that appear to be directed at you may actually be directed at the subway map over your shoulder or at an interesting advertisement.

Don't fix weaknesses, improve your strengths. You can’t make funny jokes, but you talk about your favorite job in such a way that everyone wants to become your colleagues? Please those around you with stories about interesting everyday work. Play by your own rules - let others save themselves with compliments and anecdotes.

Find a place and a company where you again feel confident, and when you get used to communicating there, slowly leave your comfort zone.

Remember that no one is perfect, you don't need to be the most outgoing, the funniest, or the most charming. Shy people often make the same mistake: they set the bar too high for themselves, and when they don’t reach it, they get upset and criticize themselves for it. Not worth it. Talk to two people in an evening. And if you manage to talk to three, praise yourself. If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay, next time everything will definitely go as it should.

According to a 2009 study from the University of Indianapolis, there are only ten basic strategies for overcoming shyness, although five are the most popular.

In 65% of cases, people choose “forced extraversion”: respondents began to approach strangers more often and started a short conversation with them, overcoming their own shyness.

The second most popular strategy (26%) is working on your own self-esteem and internal state. But the next one, which was mentioned only in passing, is broadening one’s horizons. It is effective for several reasons: a person knows more and, therefore, has more topics to start a conversation and to enter into a discussion; he may experience a feeling of some superiority (this is not very good, but sometimes useful), which will allow him to raise his self-esteem a little and push himself to express his opinion; and, in general, it’s always interesting to learn something new. This path was chosen by 15% of respondents.

Another 14% sought professional help, and 12% found “rescue” in alcohol and drugs. The other five strategies for dealing with shyness were found much less frequently: “other options” (single methods that cannot be classified into any group) - 9.5%, “I don’t fight at all” - 8%, “increasing physical activity and playing sports” - 2.5%, “change in appearance” - 2.5% and another 0.6% found it difficult to give a clear answer.

There is no need to blame yourself if you are shy and timid, there is nothing wrong with that. But when shyness becomes a serious problem, it’s time to overcome it. At the end of the day, you are probably stronger than your fears, so go out and say hello to your neighbor today! In the worst case, he won’t answer, and in the best, you will celebrate a small personal victory.

Analyze situations in which you feel embarrassed

Get ready to become an analyst for a while and search for cause-and-effect relationships. Think about the situations in which you most often feel embarrassed. Why is this happening at these moments? Highlight the factors that influence the degree of your discomfort.

For example, your weak point is communicating with strangers. However, if you mentally say encouraging words before doing this, it may be easier for you to overcome your internal barrier.

Another example is that you are a girl and feel embarrassed when you are in the company of your boyfriend. But if your favorite music is playing at the same time, you relax and become more confident.

Look for the clues your subconscious gives you and learn to use them. Sometimes seemingly insignificant little things can work wonders.

#3. Take small steps

Overcoming shyness is not a quick process. It's better to confront your social fears gradually. There is no need to immediately “jump” into situations that terrify you.

Think of overcoming embarrassment as climbing a mountain, with each step a little more difficult than the last.

For example, if you're nervous about meeting new people, here are some steps to help:

• Ask someone a simple question, such as “What time is it?” After he responds, simply say “thank you” and leave it at that. Keep your very first personal interaction short and to the point.

• Find someone who isn't currently talking to anyone and introduce yourself. Ask him who he knows at the meeting. See if you have mutual friends.

• Join a group of people who are already talking. Even if you just listen and nod, that's okay.

If you avoid people you see on a daily basis, make it a small goal to greet those you encounter when you come to work. This will soon become second nature and will increase the level of comfort you feel with your colleagues.

Finally, if you are in close proximity to someone, whether in a cafe or on the street, instead of delicately tiptoeing around them, try asking how their day is going.

These are just a few examples, but there are many small steps you can take to overcome your shyness. Give people compliments, don't be shy to ask them anything.

Be neat

Wrinkled clothes, a hole in tights, socks that are not the freshest - these and similar things make us nervous in the process of communication. If you want to become more confident, eliminate all signs of untidiness. There should be nothing in your image that could make you look like a slob.

This applies not only to appearance, but also to smell. Make sure you always smell nice. Just don't overdo it with perfume, otherwise you'll get the opposite effect.

How to overcome shyness: start thinking positively

1. It is important to realize that shyness is a common feeling that has no serious basis. Most often, a certain chain of thoughts arises in the style of: “I’m awkward, I’ll look funny, awkward, I’ll worry, I won’t be able to communicate properly, they’ll think something unflattering about me.” It is important to be able to track such conclusions and reformulate them in your mind in a positive way, but without the “not” particle. They should sound in an affirmative form: “I will look confident”, “I will be able to answer all questions”, “I will make a good impression”, etc. A positive attitude will definitely launch a program of confident behavior!
2. Realize the reason for your shyness. Why do you feel insecure? In what situations do you feel the most embarrassed? How does this manifest itself? Are you blushing? Are your fingers shaking? Do you hide your gaze from others? Do you want to fall through the ground? Be sure to track your feelings that arise when you feel constrained.
3. Once you identify the cause of your insecurity, deep inner work awaits. For example, you realized that this feeling arose in childhood during the process of upbringing. Now it is important to free yourself from those negative attitudes, assessments and criticism that were received at that early time. To do this, accept the position of an adult, self-sufficient person. You are no longer a dependent child who relies on the opinion of your parents in everything. You are a free person, and only those principles and attitudes that are convenient and valuable only for you should remain in your consciousness.

It is also necessary to work with other reasons at the level of feelings and attitudes, without deceiving yourself, but accepting all your weaknesses as they are. In some situations, you may need the help of a psychologist, which you certainly shouldn’t be embarrassed to seek.

Relieve Yourself of Responsibility

Stop taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and states of other people. Let them think whatever they want about you. Let them be sad, tired, bored in your presence. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself and label yourself as a boring person to communicate with. Perhaps these conditions have nothing to do with you.

Hyper-responsibility makes you nervous and anxious, and because of this, ease and spontaneity in communication disappear. Don't create problems for yourself out of thin air, and you won't have to waste energy solving them.

How to stop being afraid of society - tips, recommendations

Overcoming social phobia and forgetting your fears is not an easy task, but it can be solved. In addition to the help of a specialist, “self-help” is useful:

In order to defeat the enemy, the enemy must be studied. Keep a diary. Write down your own experiences, analyze factors and events that provoke social phobia; Use a piece of paper to describe your fears, then try to mentally mock the objects of your fear. Imagine: “scary” individuals are stupid monkeys. Play with monkey fears, feel superior. When you are afraid of your boss, imagine: the boss is sitting in a loincloth, shaking his fat belly, making inarticulate sounds, beating his chest like King Kong. Laugh at your fears, gradually reduce their strength; When you speak, think about the topic, the purpose of the conversation. Get out of your head thoughts about how you look in the eyes of your interlocutor; look for individuals whose social phobia is worse than yours. Schizophrenics (in remission) are suitable. Paranoia and social phobia are close relatives, so it is not difficult to find a common language with a person with schizophrenia; Use your energy wisely. The more effort you put into things that bring you joy and allow you to feel in control of your own life, the less social phobia will become; always remember: strangers don’t care about you. Everyone is busy with themselves, their loved ones, there is little time left for others; thank yourself more, praise yourself for your successes. This will instill confidence and lift low self-esteem. Let go of the desire to do things perfectly. Perfectionism is the enemy of a social phobia, the cause of a lack of faith in one’s own strengths and an inferiority complex. Remember this. Then the question “How to stop being afraid of people” will be resolved; stop soul-searching

The ability to understand your own feelings is important. But only without masochism

Masochism is the enemy of the social phobe; throw away alcohol, cigarettes, and other “soft” drugs (including coffee). Fewer dependencies, less worries. Anxieties will disappear, and social phobia will also “wither.” By the way, “I’m only calm when I’m drunk” is already bad. You will begin to think that it is impossible to overcome social phobia without chemical, nicotine, and alcohol “crutches”; you will become more dependent on booze and cigarettes; love a relaxing massage. Social phobes often have a stiff back. Those suffering from the pathology are slouched, “hiding” their necks inside their shoulders. Massage for social phobes is extremely useful.

Remember sports. Physical activity is a great way to banish emotional stress, reduce anxiety, and improve sleep. Insomnia is a serious problem for social phobics.

Social phobia is a thief who steals the joy of communicating with others and makes you unsuccessful in life. It is possible to defeat pathology. Simple “life hacks” and a qualified specialist will get rid of an unpleasant problem.

Follow the example of confident people

When we are trying to change our behavior patterns and move away from familiar patterns, we sometimes need a guide. Observe confident people who are not burdened by excessive shyness. How do they behave? How do they talk? What are they thinking about? At first, you can even copy them until you develop new habits.

You can take one of your friends, public people, or movie characters as a model. Every time shyness tries to interfere with your plans, think about how your “idol” would act.

Especially for guys, we have an article “How to stop being shy about girls.” Be sure to read it.

#4. Practice active listening

Practicing active listening will help you understand the other person and get to know them a little

Just because you prefer not to talk to people doesn't mean people don't want to talk to you. People love to talk about themselves.

If you're nervous that everything you say will sound stupid, just listen.

Research shows that people only pay attention to 25-50% of what is said to them. This means that if you listen to the other person with interest, they will feel encouraged and continue to communicate with you.

Recommended reading → The effect of alcohol on the human body

Active listening is an instant technique for establishing trust and likeability. People will like you if you listen to them. This is pure psychology.

Stand up for your interests

Never let people take advantage of your shyness. If someone is too arrogant and tries to violate your interests, put him in his place. No matter what moral effort it costs you. Otherwise, the feeling of annoyance and disappointment will torment you for a long time.

This applies to everyday, familiar situations. When someone tries to jump in line, when they make unreasonable claims against you, when they try to take your place.

If you manage to stop the insolent person, you will receive 100 points to your confidence. Next time it will be much easier for you to emerge victorious from a conflict situation.

Definition of the concept

The concept of modesty is identified with calmness and restraint; such people do not strive for a luxurious life and do not make demands on it. Modest people know well the limits of what is permitted and never cross them. Such a person can be recognized even by his appearance: he will be dressed simply and discreetly.

This quality is not so bad, but not when a person develops excessive modesty.

Then he may often be in a state of awkwardness from the events taking place. It is expressed in excessive concern about the opinions of others: he can even put the thoughts of others more important than his own.

People around can take advantage of this feature and create discomfort for the modest fellow. For the same reasons, modesty can become an obstacle to achieving your goals. Such people rarely strive for leadership and always let others go ahead of them. Being in the spotlight is unacceptable for them; they strive to remain in the shadow of less talented, but more assertive individuals.

Modesty can create ongoing stress and missed opportunities for a person. When this quality interferes with life, you need to fight it.

If modesty provokes stressful conditions, it is necessary to fight it

Pros of modesty

Modesty is inherent mainly in the female sex. At all times, this character trait has been a companion to femininity. She gave the girls meekness, helpfulness and pliability. It was believed that modest girls never swear or be rude, they will always fulfill any requests and support in difficult times. To stop being modest meant to lose the femininity of your nature.

Nowadays, it is not uncommon for a woman to play someone else’s role in society because of this trait; she skillfully hides her personal position and no one knows what her thoughts are about. In the eyes of others, modest people, regardless of gender, look more dignified.

Disadvantages of modesty

Modest people rarely reach any heights and remain unknown to anyone, so modesty sometimes gets in the way.

1. Modest women attract men only at first in a relationship, then this trait can become boring and interfere with their personal life.
2. Colleagues can take advantage of the reliability of modest people; they are almost always ready to help, sometimes even to their own detriment.
3. It is quite difficult for modest people to achieve anything at work; asking for a promotion or an increase in the salary of their boss is unacceptable for them.

Exercise “Scale”

I borrowed this exercise from NLP. It helps to successfully cope with negative conditions such as fear, anxiety, and embarrassment. You can read more about it in the book “New NLP Code” by Timur Gagin and Vladimir Ukolov.

1. Imagine a scale with marked numerical divisions from 0 to 100. It can look like a ruler, a tailor's meter, a barometer - whatever you like.
2. Imagine that you find yourself in a situation that causes you moderate embarrassment and constraint. Feel your condition well and record its vivid manifestations in your memory: sweaty palms, a lump in your throat, a rapid heartbeat.
3. You need to associate your feelings with an imaginary scale. Their severity should correspond approximately to the middle of the scale. Now mentally move up the scale, trying to cause more expressions of embarrassment.
4. Having reached the extreme point, begin to reduce the intensity of emotions until complete calm and relaxation at point 0. Complete several such cycles until a strong connection is established in your subconscious.

Now, in any situation, you can imagine this scale and use it to remove manifestations of shyness. The more often you use this method, the better it will work.

Possible reasons and prerequisites

As I already mentioned, the development of social phobia is influenced by external and internal factors. Yes, even your own insecurity or anxiety is the result of outside influence (in childhood or adulthood). The following prerequisites for the emergence of social phobia can be identified.

1. Depression (70.9% of cases) or other disorders.
2. Drug addiction, alcoholism (76.7%). Public condemnation can be received more often than support and help, which forces the alcoholic to withdraw into himself, increasingly avoiding society.
3. Experienced situations of failure. Having once "shitted" in public, a person will probably avoid performing again.
4. Properties of the psyche. Accented individuals, that is, with a pronounced character trait, are more prone to phobias. For example, the schizoid and asthenic type are the most vulnerable. The same dependence is observed among temperament types. Choleric and melancholic people are more prone to phobias.
5. Someone else's experience. Often, sophiophobia begins to form in childhood and is caused by the behavior (example) of parents or parenting style. For example, intimidation, prohibitions, or one’s own experience of failure in front of a child.
6. Low self-esteem and uncertainty that arose against the background of social deprivation (deprivation) in childhood. This group includes a tyrannical type of parental education, an authoritarian teacher, and “bullying” in the classroom.
7. Low self-esteem. Often comes from a destructive type of parental upbringing or school childhood.

Exercise “Place of Power”

Find a comfortable position and relax. Throw away all extraneous thoughts, focus on the sensations of your body. Imagine that you find yourself in some very pleasant place where you feel calm and comfortable. For some it may be a village house, for others it may be a secluded pier on the ocean. Find something of your own.

Feel how this place fills you with strength and confidence. Nothing can unsettle you here and make you feel fear, anxiety, stiffness, embarrassment. Remember this feeling. The next time you step out of your comfort zone and feel embarrassed, imagine yourself in that place for a minute. Negative emotions will recede or become less pronounced.

Shyness is an inner monster

I was also very shy. It felt like there was some evil creature living inside me that wanted to take control of my body and life (it may sound stupid, but it’s true). My main goal was to fight this inner monster every day, that is, I tried to do exactly what he is afraid to do. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes and stumbled a lot before I learned all the rules of the game.

And then the inner monster left my body.

How do you deal with shyness? Share in the comments.

Books to help you overcome shyness

Shyness is a fairly common problem in modern society. Many books have been written about her. Here are just a few of them.

1. “Goodbye shyness. A practical guide to overcoming shyness and developing self-confidence” by Leil Lowndes;
2. “I always know what to say. How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator” Jean-Marie Boisvert, Madeleine Bozry;
3. "Self confidence. Simple practices for gaining inner strength and firmness” Yvonne Rubin;
4. “How to overcome shyness” Philip Zimbardo.

Why is social phobia dangerous?

A constant state of fear, anxiety and inferiority can lead to panic attacks, in which a person loses self-control. He may be afraid to leave the house, get into a crowded transport, the fear of society develops into a fear of closed (claustrophobia) or open (agarophobia) space.

It is necessary to establish an accurate diagnosis as soon as possible in order to undergo proper treatment in time, otherwise, running away from problems, a social phobe may resort to using alcohol or drugs. In this case, a person’s inability to adapt to reality is further aggravated and work activity decreases.

The worst result can be chronic depression and suicide. This outcome cannot be avoided without psychiatrists and specialized clinics.

how to get rid of mental pain