Shyness can be compared to a high fence surrounding a person on all sides. There may be a beautiful building inside it with beautiful gardens and ponds, but, unfortunately, no one will see it. Everyone sees only brickwork or slate, when the beautiful “inner world” remains behind the scenes.
A similar situation occurs in life. No matter how interesting, purposeful and educated you are, everything breaks against the wall of shyness . People around you see you only as a pleasant quiet person who poses no danger. They are indifferent to the volcano of energy that may be boiling inside you.
It is clear that this has more disadvantages than advantages. Yes, shyness shows your modesty, good manners, restraint, but without emancipation, this, as they say, is not the same compote. Well, quiet, well-mannered, so what? Although this is appreciated, as we see, it does not really affect the standard of living.
It's another matter when all this is combined together. Uninhibited, modest, simple, not arrogant, in general - a great guy (girl). It’s really nice to communicate with such people on all sorts of topics. You feel comfortable with them, because no one “climbs” to the top and the conversation takes place on equal terms.
It’s good that we already have the first part – modesty. All that remains is to “loose it” a little and make some room for openness. This is what we will try to do in this article, using a few tips.
Make a list of problem situations
It is better to start solving a problem with analysis. Therefore, take the time to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel constrained. Be very specific. Instead of “talking to people,” specify what kind of people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or those in authority.
When you break a problem down into parts, it seems more solvable.
Then try ranking the situations you wrote down in order of increasing anxiety (calling a stranger is likely less anxiety-inducing than speaking in front of an audience).
In the future, this list can be used as a plan to combat shyness. Starting small, you will overcome increasingly difficult situations for you. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, accordingly, will decrease.
Where does timidity come from?
Shyness, like other character traits, can be congenital, or it can be acquired. With innate everything is clear: if, for example, the father is timid and timid, then the child, having inherited the corresponding genes, can grow up the same. Acquired timidity is the result of improper upbringing.
A timid person in childhood was probably often criticized, compared unfavorably with his peers and received little praise. He breaks a cup or falls and immediately hears: how awkward you are. If he is not given some kind of activity, parents must give the example of a neighbor’s child, who, let’s say, already fluently reads not only the primer, but also newspaper text, or spends hours learning scales with inspiration, or has some other fantastic skills.
As a result of such upbringing, a whole bunch of complexes arise. A person considers himself worse than others, has no self-respect, and sometimes does not even love himself. Hence the false confidence that others perceive him in the same way.
Decide on a goal
Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with your life, but you need to explain to yourself exactly how it interferes with you. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.
Eric Holtzclaw
Serial entrepreneur, author of Laddering: Unlocking the Potential of Consumer Behavior, radio host
Even though I perform, write, and host a radio show, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to come out of my shell and deliver a message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I could ensure that my message was delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make public speaking and meeting new people easier for myself.
Training
When a person enters an acting school, difficult challenges await him. On instructions from his teacher, he is forced to approach strangers and tell them complete nonsense. At first he feels ashamed and uncomfortable, but then it greatly helps him feel more relaxed on stage. [adsense1] This test can be transferred to our lives. Of course, you don't need to make an idiot of yourself and humiliate yourself in front of people. It is enough to simply ask passers-by for directions or time. In fact, it’s not so easy, especially when in front of you is a “cool guy” in his Mercedes.
You can also try to always take the initiative into your own hands. If you are in a company and need to resolve any issue, take it upon yourself . Talk on the phone, order a service, show the way. The more often you communicate with strangers, the faster you will get rid of shyness.
Exercise
Skills need to be honed, and habits that interfere with life need to be systematically eradicated. All this applies to both sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.
- Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in your brain that is launched in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go backwards and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Get into the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that you are taking a defensive position in a conversation? Try asking your interlocutor a few questions.
- Talk to strangers. Try talking to one stranger (preferably a random passer-by) at least once a day. You'll likely never see him again, so feel free to sharpen your communication skills on him.
- In general, communicate more. Try to take every opportunity to connect with people. Tell jokes, agree to speak, say hello to people you often meet but never greet.
- Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party, but are afraid to approach him? Practice on people present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about getting to know each other, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the desired person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
- And always be prepared for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with your audience. This will give you confidence.
Lifehacks
Let's look at a few small life hacks to help remove shyness and uncertainty. These are short tips that fit into one or two sentences.
- Record a video with your camera, for example, summing up the day. This way you will learn to express your thoughts and will worry less about speech deficiencies.
- If you mess up in communication, then you can admit it to the person. “For some reason words don’t work for me at all, I’m probably overworked.” This will indicate that you are an open person who admits his shortcomings.
- If you don’t know where to look and what to do, don’t do anything . This will give you freedom and relaxation. Don't play on others.
- Come up with a couple of prepared phrases that you can talk about with a stranger. If you can't think of anything, use surrounding events and objects to talk.
- Switch attention from yourself to the interlocutor, ask him questions.
- If you are embarrassed about your shortcomings in appearance, go online and Google. For example, if you have a big nose, look for “big nose.” You will be shown the faces of other people, and you will understand that you are worrying in vain .
- Everything is determined by your condition. If the pause is awkward and you are embarrassed, then it will be awkward for the interlocutor too. If you are silent and behave as if nothing had happened, then everything will be fine for the other person.
Books to help you get rid of shyness
At the end of this article, we would like to recommend books that will help you get rid of self-doubt and shyness. In combination with the above methods, they guarantee you the desired result.
- “How to Overcome Shyness” by Philip Zimbardo
- “How to talk to anyone. Communicate confidently in any situation" Mark Rhodes
- “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie
- “How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life" Mark Goulston
- “I always know what to say. How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator" Jean-Marie Boisvert, Madeleine Bozry
- “Goodbye shyness. A Practical Guide to Overcoming Shyness and Building Confidence" by Leil Lowndes
- "Self confidence. Simple practices for gaining inner strength and grit" Yvonne Rubin
- “I can hear right through you. Effective Negotiation Techniques" Mark Goulston
We hope these tips will help you control yourself in any situation and forget about the fears that prevent you from communicating with people. Good luck!
Reasons for Shyness
Shyness, which manifests itself in the inability to normally express one’s thoughts and desires, or to be calm among people, is, of course, a pathology. Many live with this without thinking that they don’t have to feel this discomfort. But how to get rid of it? First you need to find out the reasons for its appearance.
Why does shyness appear?
- Complexity.
- Diffidence.
- Fears and phobias.
- Increased anxiety.
- Social phobia.
- Character type.
- Genetics and education.
Let's look at each point in more detail.
Genetics and education
Modest and well-mannered (essentially insecure and shy) parents will have children with a similar character. This will be transmitted in genes and temperament - innate personality traits. A child may be born with different qualities, but parents, by their example, will teach him to be shy. This is how the influence of heredity and genetics manifests itself.
Personality
There are people with a certain temperament and character. As a rule, these are phlegmatic people who are not used to pushing forward and interrupting. Such qualities in a person are considered the norm. But in certain circumstances he will not have enough courage to achieve what he wants. Here, too, it’s worth working on reducing shyness.
Social phobia
Fear of society. Occurs in people who have often been offended, who have found themselves in a conflict situation, or have been victims of abuse or shame. But this is something else: here we are not talking about shyness, but about a feeling of fear of society, discomfort. Such situations are dealt with by psychologists.
Anxiety and fears
People with a rich imagination often imagine how they will enter the theater and trip, causing people to laugh at them. They try their best to remain confident, but such tension gives rise to stiffness. They imagine how they will be judged, disgraced, afraid. Because of this, they commit clumsy actions. This is what shyness looks like in action.
Uncertainty
Insecure people are ashamed of themselves. They imagine that they look funny or ugly in the eyes of others. This shyness makes them behave awkwardly and refuse an offer to meet. They avoid public places and try to be where they are surrounded exclusively by close people.
Complexes
These are psychological pressures that arise due to traumatic situations. Let’s say a child was yelled at while he was sitting at the table with friends eating pie. This can create an inferiority complex in him for the rest of his life. The child will be afraid to eat in public places until his hands tremble. Such complexes affect the ability to feel free in society.
Is shyness always a disadvantage: negative and positive aspects
Is shyness always a disadvantage: negative and positive aspects If you are trying to see something good in your complexes and inability to behave freely in front of people, then you are unlikely to succeed. Modesty is decorative. And shyness makes a person a slave to his worries. Don't look for positive sides to shyness, there are none.
Modesty differs from shyness in that a modest person does not feel discomfort and communicates freely. He simply behaves with restraint because he considers it right, and not because he is afraid or ashamed.
Modesty is a belief. Shyness is a pathology. A modest person can do anything, but he does what his upbringing and character tell him to do. Shyness causes you to limit yourself due to uncertainty, fear or shame.
Ways to overcome modesty
How to stop being shy?
- Analyze situations in which a feeling of awkwardness arises.
- Understand yourself, find the true reasons for shyness.
- Work on yourself, explain why you shouldn’t be shy, why there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed of yourself.
- Imagine a situation in which shyness usually occurs and mentally overcome it.
- Facing fear halfway is a real practice of a traumatic situation and a new model of behavior.
You can overcome shyness on your own or by visiting a psychotherapist. The scheme is always the same:
- behavior analysis;
- identifying the cause;
- work on mistakes.
This method is applied to almost all types of psychological problems.
