Even if you get along with your parents—talking often, exchanging recipes and guesses about the next season of Descendants—you'll likely snap at them from time to time and regret it later.
Maybe every time you come home for the holidays, you yell at your mom for being late or get mad at your dad for buying the wrong snacks. You know perfectly well that they love you and your brother or sister equally, and yet you still take the opportunity to accuse them of always having a favorite. So why are we unable to control ourselves even when we realize that we are being unfair and disrespectful towards our parents?
It is completely normal to quarrel with your ancestors. As a 2009 study states, “conflict is a natural part of the relationship between children and parents.” According to clinical and forensic psychologist and Valparaiso University professor Amanda Zelechoski, conflicts with your parents during adolescence or young adulthood are inevitable, even if you didn't quarrel with them as a child.
But if you constantly snap at your parents and at the same time calmly communicate with other people, here are some possible reasons why this is happening.
You are trying to assert yourself
“The process of growing up is about forming our own identity and determining in what ways we want to be like our parents and in what ways we want to be different from them,” Zelechoski says.
Nobody wants to be an exact copy of their parents. Even if you idolized them as a child, over time you begin to strive for independence and realize that they are not always right.
Physiological factors also play a role. Zelechoski notes that hormonal changes can trigger mood swings, and the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for making decisions and controlling emotions, doesn't fully develop until age 25.
“At a young age, it is very important to find a balance in your relationship with your parents,” says Jacob Goldsmith of Northwestern University in Chicago, “learning to be both yourself and part of the family.”
How does your relationship with your mother affect your life?
Our relationship with our mother, whether good or bad, directly affects our personality. This person brings up almost EVERYTHING in us.
When we are little, we don’t know whether it’s good or bad to interrupt adults, lose in competitions, lie to others, or make slips with people.
Of course, it’s not only our mother who brings up certain qualities in us. Is there some more:
- dad;
- teachers;
- Friends;
- environment;
- relatives;
- different life situations.
But it is she who lays the foundation of personal qualities.
A mother's unconditional love helps us love and accept ourselves as we are. Her dislike inspires self-hatred, insecurity and complexes about appearance and character traits.
Mom influences our perception of ourselves. For the future, relationships with men. After all, how much we love ourselves now depends on how much she loved us in childhood. What kind of attitude are you willing to accept from the opposite sex, and what kind of attitude are you not going to tolerate?
You carry past grievances within you
If you have already left adolescence, then you need to look for other explanations.
“The first thing that comes to mind is that there are unresolved conflicts,” Goldsmith continues. “Perhaps you harbor a grudge against your parents.”
Or perhaps you are still clinging to your childhood role. Each child plays several roles in the process of growing up: baby, parent, peacemaker, helper, hero, rebel. If you are trying to change, the restrictions they place on you can make you angry.
Stages of growing up
Experienced psychologists divide the relationship between children and parents into three main stages:
- “Mom, hug me.” This is the stage of childhood when the child is in dire need of his mother’s affection, touch, and communication. Until a certain period of life, mother and baby are connected by invisible ties that are not only spiritual, but also physical.
- “Mom, let me go.” This is adolescence, when the need for independence appears. This time may be accompanied by protests, rebellion, and leaving home. The young girl strives with all her might to replace her mother in some way, to take on her functions. But the young body is not yet strong enough, so mistakes are made, and the daughter returns to her mother again.
- “Mom, leave me alone.” This is the time of full maturation, when a girl has already become an adult woman. Now my mother’s advice and instructions seem unnecessary. Not only do they not help, but they also irritate you because they don’t give you the opportunity to live the way you want.
Your family members are toxic people
Don't dismiss the possibility that your anger is a completely justified reaction to your parents' behavior. Even if you used to get along great, it's worth reconsidering what you think is "acceptable" behavior from time to time.
“Anger may indicate an attempt to set boundaries,” Goldsmith explains. “In that case, you need to try to transform it into persistence.”
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Say it without "no"
Now for some magic. Have you heard anything about how our consciousness does not perceive the particle “not”? It works like this: if you tell a person “Don’t forget to take the keys,” there is a high probability that his brain will “not” ignore it. And - dammit - the keys will be left at home.
Therefore, if you want results, formulate your request without “no”.
Homework. Try to formulate your requests for a week without using the particle “not”. During this time, firstly, you will get used to avoiding it, and secondly, you will have time to evaluate whether anything is changing.
In the meantime, practice with my examples: say these phrases without “not.”
Coronavirus has messed things up for you
Quarrels with parents have happened since the beginning of time. “But now the situation is more difficult than ever,” Zelechoski says. How to become independent if, due to a pandemic, you have to stay under the same roof with your family all day long?
Maybe you moved in with your parents because there were too many new cases in your area, like those who left New York City in the early days of the pandemic. Perhaps you are a student and, since classes have been cancelled, you have to stay at home. Many of Zelechoski's students were eager to return to the classroom simply because they could not study comfortably at home.
Mother's selfishness
Some mothers, not wanting to let their daughters go, do their best to protect them from meeting men. And, if a girl still manages to get married, her mother will certainly be unhappy with her choice.
And later the reproaches begin: “You dress wrong, behave wrong, raise your child wrong,” etc. It gets worse if the daughter falls under the influence of her husband. In such a situation, scandals are inevitable.
So is it possible to leave endless quarrels behind and find a healthy relationship?
You're freaking out because it's your parents.
“Sometimes our parents are simply the easiest and safest target for our anger,” Goldsmith says. — It’s paradoxical, but most often it is on the people closest to us that we dump negativity. They won’t get away from us anyway, so we can take our anger out on them as much as we want.”
Ask yourself, are your parents really the source of your dissatisfaction? Perhaps all is not well with you personally or at work, and your negative emotions are directed at your parents simply because they are nearby.
Mom's instructions
There is no point in analyzing the mother's mistakes, because this will not make it any easier. The smart thing to do is to think about what to do next. For example, if there is no common language with your mother due to her constant moralizing and even authoritarianism. Some mothers try to constantly control, prompt, demand an account from their daughters, forgetting that the time of the girl’s childhood has long passed. You have to constantly justify yourself and find an explanation for every step you take. You notice that your mother is trying to advise you in areas that she herself no longer understands (life priorities have long changed).
How to prevent breakdowns (and recover from them)
Conflicts happen, but they don’t always end with a loud slamming of the door, an angry pressing of the “end call” button, or just an angry exclamation of “Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly4earll44l9l99999999999999ears have have. Here are some ways to help keep yourself in control when a fight seems inevitable.
Be carefull. “Monitor your body and pay attention to what triggers you,” says Zelechoski. Perhaps you grind your teeth or clench your fists? Things like this should be your signal to relax.
Talk about your feelings. If you're still angry at your parents for something that happened years ago, maybe it's time to talk about it? “We must talk openly about the past and related experiences in order to build healthy relationships in the present,” Goldsmith believes. “Sometimes a difficult conversation is just necessary.”
Whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotion, say something like, “I know you're just trying to help. I need a few minutes to calm down and then we can continue.”
According to Zelechoski, when we leave during an argument, it is often perceived as disrespect, but in reality the person just wants to be alone. Instead of slamming the door, hanging up or yelling, it's better to say: “Let's come back to this conversation a little later. I feel like I'm losing my temper." It is very important to say this before you leave.
Analyze your behavior and its reasons. Zelechoski advises to analyze each moment of the conflict and try to understand your goal: were you trying to convey something to the other person or were you just yelling at him so that he would understand how unhappy you are? If you identify why you snapped, you can respond differently next time.
“Become an emotional detective. Find out what was behind the outburst of emotion,” Zelechoski says. When do you usually lose your temper? When you are asked to do something over and over again? Or when you are asked personal questions?
Don't isolate yourself. It is quite natural that if you relapse, you feel shame and guilt. According to Zelechoski, these feelings should not be suppressed. Families often pretend that nothing happened, but this does not help avoid conflicts in the future. Try to discuss the problem later.
All these tips also apply to parents. But you cannot be responsible for them. You can only work on yourself.
Remember that her toxicity has nothing to do with you
Some victims of emotional domestic abuse feel like blaming themselves for the relationship becoming toxic, but it's always important to remember that this has nothing to do with you. Take the pressure off yourself and stop believing that if you make a specific choice in life, everything will change. Even if you choose a job at her behest or marry a person she approves of, she will remain just as toxic.
It is also worth remembering that you are unlikely to make such a mistake in your relationship with your children. You can repeat this like a mantra: you are not your mother. You have nothing to do with the offensive things she says to you. You don't have to love your mother, but you can be attached to her. Remember also that what causes you the most pain is that you forbid yourself to be angry and offended, although you really have the right to these feelings.
Read on topic: Medical gaslighting: why women are convinced that they are healthy
Criticism and criticism, two sides of the same coin
A person with an anal vector prioritizes cleanliness and cleansing
from "dirt". Strives to find a drop of ointment in a barrel of honey. Applies constructive criticism, which helps to bring any task to perfection and is beneficial.
But when such a person feels offended, he accumulates internal dissatisfaction and tension, which turns into frustration. Frustrations change direction from “clean” to “dirty”. The desire for cleanliness is replaced by filthiness
. A person becomes stubborn, you can’t argue with
.
In a state of stress or frustration, he often uses words from the toilet vocabulary. Can humiliate, dirty, criticize
. Just to prove your point. At the same time, he may have absolutely no knowledge of the subject in question. He carries a drop of ointment into the ointment and enjoys the process.
He tends to experience not only social, but also sexual frustration. Possessing a powerful libido and not receiving enough pleasure, he accumulates tension, which manifests itself as aggression and criticism.
Having made his poisonous remark, he receives temporary relief. But, after some time, it becomes even more aggressive and cruel
. He throws out the newly accumulated portion of dirt, choosing words to sting even more painfully. It is useless to argue or prove anything to a person in such a state.
